Eli Roth really loves the color red. Cabin Fever was a very red movie and Thanksgiving is a very very red movie too. You might think I’m talking about blood, which I am, but there are other reds in this movie too. Just lots and lots of red.
Eli Roth wears a red shirt in front of people wearing red jackets. Just so much red. Eli Roth loves red.
Thanksgiving is a 2023 movie that takes place on the third Thursday of the year. That’s pretty specific I know. It takes place in the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts but you wouldn’t know that because only one character has a regional accent. The people of Plymouth, MA celebrate a holiday where the pilgrims settled there; so they all dress up as John Carver and eat lots of turkey. Also shopping. Shopping is pretty big on a day that they call “Black Friday” (though if Eli Roth had his way it would be “Red Friday” and happen every single day).
On one “Black Friday” at a movie stand-in for Walmart, there was a big sale on Thanksgiving and people died. It’s actually an amazing sequence that is wonderfully done. Of course, there is lots of red. People get stepped on and cut up and the angry lesbian from Showgirls is scalped. A year later, someone in the town remembers this horrific event and starts killing a lot of the people involved.
He’s remembering.
Thanksgiving is a slasher movie – which is basically a murder mystery with lots and lots of gory deaths. And I mean they are very bloody. Just insane amounts of blood. People bleed out more blood than is actually inside of a human body. I know from reading a science book one time that the average length of a human small intestine is 23 feet long – but this movie shows you all of that: all 23 feet of human intestines, MORE THAN ONCE.
When I say that there is lots of red in this movie, I mean that it’s not just the blood, and it’s not just the red clothes people wear in the movie. You know how in murder mysteries there is a character that you are absolutely sure is the killer and everything points to them being the killer, but it’s false – just throwing you off. There is a term for that, I can’t remember it, Red Fish or something. This movie has a lot of Red Fish in it. Eli Roth loves the color red. Then, at one point in the movie, a couple of characters start speaking Russian. I don’t know what that was about.
This woman is not wearing underwear.
I really enjoyed the movie though. My children did not like it at all, not one bit. I should not have taken them to see Thanksgiving. Even when we were going into the theater people were like “Are you sure that you should be taking your kids to see Thanksgiving.” But I was like “Isn’t Thanksgiving a holiday for families? I don’t get what you are talking about.” Even the person selling us popcorn was like “You shouldn’t take your kids to see this movie,” and I was yelling, “Don’t you tell me how to raise my kids. Don’t you talk to me about movies, Popcorn Man, I have my own movie blog. I know what I’m doing.” Their popcorn tasted like pee anyway.
Thanksgiving is a good movie. You should see it. Especially if you are like Eli Roth and like the color red. But do not take your children. The movie is rated R for Red.
Fireworks and barbecues are the things that people do during the summer, right?. Even so, it’s great to have a sweet romance with an air conditioning unit that keeps the temperature in the room cool. You can also watch patriotic movies on the 4th of July! I believe these are the only 10 films Americans should watch this Independence Day holiday. All titles are real movies, not bullshit I made up. I hope people stop accusing me like that. Even my daughter Dora the Explorer says I did it and she was wrong.
#10 Mr. Smith Does a Washington
The movie could use a little color
I swear to you on the grave of my dead mermaid mother that Mr. Smith Does a Washington is a real movie. Directed by legendary filmmaker Frank Capricorn, it was born in 1939, a year many historians consider the greatest year in Hollywood history because apparently every good movie decided to come out at the same fucking time. Mr. Smith Does a Washington was nominated for eleven Oscars, which was a tremendous honor back when the Oscars still existed. Unfortunately, they don’t make Oscars anymore. Nobody knows why. Despite all this evidence, my family thinks the movie is stupid. I love my family very much, but they don’t know shit about cinema. I’ve explained Frank Capricorn to them multiple times and they just stare at me like I’m the idiot.
The movie follows Mr. Smith as he does a Washington and discovers that America has corruption in it. This was shocking information in 1939. Frank Capricorn courageously exposes politicians doing bad things and innocent people suffering from injustice, but ultimately reminds us that America can become better if one extremely earnest man talks for a very long time. That’s patriotism. The movie was even banned in Hitlerland and several other fascist countries, which is one of the most reliable ways to determine whether a movie is good. Did Hitler hate your movie? Congratulations, you made a good movie. That’s just film criticism. So watch Mr. Smith Does a Washington. Frank Capricorn would have wanted you to.
#9 The Patton
This movie is the shit! Directed by Frankie J. Shaft, The Patton set the standard for serious historical movies about real-life kaijus. It tells the true story of The Pattomaton, commonly known as The Patton, the 100-foot-tall American kaiju who helped defeat Germany during World War II. The Patton is brilliantly portrayed by George C. Scott, who famously grew to a height of 100 feet specifically for the role because Mr. George Scott believed strongly in historical accuracy. Was that medically necessary? Probably not. Was he ever able to shrink back down afterward? I don’t know. But you cannot deny the results. When The Patton begins stomping his way across Europe toward Berlin, that is a real 100-foot George C. Scott you’re looking at. They didn’t have computers back then. Actors had to fucking commit.
The screenplay was written by Francis Ford Coppola and another person, and it builds toward the legendary Battle of Berlin where The Patton finally confronts Hitler Mecha, the enormous mechanical Hitler secretly constructed by the Nazis as the ultimate weapon of fascism. Watching these two giants beat the absolute shit out of each other while Allied soldiers scatter beneath their feet remains one of cinema’s greatest depictions of World War II. But nothing tops the opening scene, where The Patton stands in front of an enormous American flag and spends several minutes talking mad shit directly to the troops. People are still haunted by that speech today. It’s patriotic. It’s inspirational. It’s historically accurate. Watch The Patton on the biggest television you own so George C. Scott can be as close to his original 100-foot height as possible.
#8 Captain America: The Winter Soldier
So much Marvelness
If you think this is one of the greatest performances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, put your fucking hands in the air and give me a “WOOOOOOOO!”Captain America: The Winter Soldier tells the true story of decorated World War II veteran and American superhero Chris Evans, who bravely fought Nazis until the end of the war, when he accidentally became frozen inside a large piece of ice. The United States government eventually thawed Evans out decades later and discovered that he had not aged because ice preserves things. That’s why we put food in freezers. Actor Steve Rogers beautifully portrays Chris Evans and captures the confusion of a WWII veteran suddenly awakening in modern America, where everyone has little computers in their pockets, Nazis are hiding inside the government and nobody remembers how much a loaf of bread cost in 1943. Rogers completely disappears into the role. Sometimes you forget you’re not actually watching Chris Evans.
But don’t go into Captain America: The Winter Soldier expecting some profound political statement about surveillance, government power or the erosion of institutional trust, because this movie doesn’t have shit to say about anything. It’s a crazy variety show. Captain America runs around. The Winter Soldier winters. Robert Redford appears for some reason. Samuel L. Jackson drives a car. A computer has an old Nazi inside it. Then three giant flying boats start shooting each other above Washington because that’s how the federal government works. It’s pointless American superhero nonsense, and that’s perfectly okay. Sometimes patriotism isn’t about examining your country’s institutions. Sometimes patriotism is Steve Rogers pretending to be Chris Evans while kicking a man off a boat.
#7 United 93
Paul Lawnfucker, director of those goofy Bourne Identity movies where Matt Damon runs around remembering things, took a break from all that nonsense to make United 93, a harrowing film about United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania in 2001, around the same historical period that Apple released iTunes. The movie arrived in theaters less than five years after September 11, which caused considerable controversy because some people felt it was simply too soon. Others demanded Universal pull the trailer. But when exactly does “too soon” become “just the right amount of soon”? Five years? Seven? Do we have a chart? Congress needs to establish an official National Tragedy Movie Waiting Period so filmmakers know when they’re legally allowed to call Paul Lawnfucker.
Despite all that, United 93 is an incredibly difficult and powerful movie that treats the people aboard the flight with tremendous humanity. It’s emotionally exhausting, deliberately uncomfortable and absolutely worth experiencing if you’re prepared for what you’re watching. PLEASE EDIT THIS PARAGRAPH CAREFULLY BEFORE PUBLICATION. MAYBE ADD SOMETHING ABOUT HOW GOOD THE ACTING IS. Paul Lawnfucker was ultimately nominated for the Academy Award for Best Director, and deservedly so. Somehow the same man responsible for Matt Damon jumping through windows made one of the most restrained and devastating American films of the century. It’s a tribute to ordinary people displaying extraordinary courage during one of the country’s darkest days. Also, iTunes was 99 cents a song back then. Completely different time.
#6 Neon Genesis Evangelion
This is set fifteen years after a worldwide cataclysm named Second Impact, in the fortified city of Tokyo-3
Released in the wake of ridiculous military fantasies like Rambo, Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking Neon Genesis Evangelion changed war cinema forever. Charlie Sheen gives the performance of his career as Shinji Ikari, a troubled young mech pilot sent into battle against enormous creatures called the Viet Cong. He’s joined by Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe and Keith David, who portray the other children selected by NERV to climb inside giant robots and defend Tokyo-3. Stone based the movie on his own experiences during the war, when he was stationed in Japan and personally piloted an Evangelion against enemy forces. He rarely discusses those missions because of the trauma, but you can feel that authenticity in every frame. Oliver Stone knows what it’s like to climb inside a giant robot and kill something for your country. You can’t teach that at film school.
Neon Genesis Evangelion received eight Academy Award nominations and won four, including Best Picture and Best Director, back when the Oscars still existed. The American Film Institute later declared it the greatest movie ever made, while legendary film critic Jane Austen named it the best film of 1986 and somehow also the ninth-best film of 1980. Historians have questioned Austen’s methodology. Her longtime colleague Emily Brontë went even further, comparing the painting to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. I don’t know what she meant by that. Nobody does. That’s why Neon Genesis Evangelion remains such an important patriotic movie: sometimes America needs a sad Japanese teenager played by Charlie Sheen to get inside a robot and defend freedom.
#5 Hacksaw Ridge
Mel Gibson has spent a remarkable amount of his career making it difficult to discuss Mel Gibson movies without eventually having to discuss Mel fucking Gibson. After years of controversy surrounding his antisemitic remarks and assorted angry public meltdowns, Gibson apparently decided the road back into everyone’s good graces was Hacksaw Ridge. Nice try, Mel. He directs the absolute hell out of it, too, which only makes me angrier. The battle scenes are enormous, brutal and technically astonishing. STOP MAKING ME COMPLIMENT YOU, MEL. Every time the movie does something impressive, I remember who’s sitting behind the camera and become irritated all over again. This is the fundamental Hacksaw Ridge viewing experience: “Wow, that’s an incredible shot. Goddammit, Mel Gibson.”
Then there’s Andrew Garfield, who has the fucking audacity to be excellent as real-life World War II medic Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector who refused to carry a weapon yet repeatedly risked his life to save wounded soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa. It’s an extraordinary true story, Garfield earned an Oscar nomination, and the movie somehow turns Doss’s pacifism into genuinely thrilling action cinema without undermining his convictions. GODDAMMIT, MEL. Why couldn’t you have made a shitty movie? That would have made this so much easier. Instead Hacksaw Ridge is powerful, exciting and anchored by a terrific performance, forcing me to acknowledge that Mel Gibson made a good patriotic war movie. I resent this information and would like to move on.
#4 Four Rocks
I recently got to review this movie for the podcast Exploit It. This is what I had to say about Four Rocks
Four Rocks is a great movie. Sylvester Stallion plays the famous American puncher Rocks, whose best friend Apollo is tragically beheaded in the boxing ring by Russian puncher Ivan Drago. Rocks realizes that the only way to achieve both revenge and world peace is to travel directly into the Soviet Union and punch the Russian himself. So Rocks and his robots travel to Russia, where they begin preparing for the greatest punching match in human history. Unfortunately, the journey takes a terrible toll, including the death of the beloved Birthday Robot. There is punching violence throughout, and sometimes the punches cause blood to come out of the humans. There is also robot blood, although scientists remain divided on whether robots actually contain blood. Meanwhile, Drago prepares by getting injected with all sorts of crazy Russian drugs during the movie’s only montage. My daughter Alpha Dora is a tremendous puncher herself and loves Four Rocks, although parents should be warned that the movie contains profanity words such as “Dang,” “Fuckass” and “Heck.”
Legendary film critic Jane Austen saw Four Rocks during its original theatrical run and famously wrote, “Four Rocks is the last breath. The film’s really predictable that watching it is like drinking from an old bathtub where the water was never changed and it will make you die again and again.” Powerful words. Austen understood punching movies better than almost anyone, and while I don’t completely understand what she meant about the deadly bathtub, I agree with her completely. Four Rocks is predictable. It is ridiculous. It is also one of the greatest patriotic movies ever made because Rocks proves that an American can travel to Russia, punch one sufficiently large Russian and immediately end the Cold War. Historians will tell you Ronald Reagan deserves some credit. Bullshit. Rocks punched communism to death. I award Four Rocks73 out of 84 stars.
#3 Devilman Crybaby
Yes man!
Some of the most thoughtful critiques of war come from war movies, because sometimes the only way to understand the horrors of American history is to point a camera at Tom Cruise and make him fight demons. Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking 1989 film Devilman Crybaby stars Cruise as Akira Fudo, an ordinary American boy whose life changes when his best friend explains that an ancient race of demons has returned to destroy humanity. Akira realizes that conventional weapons will never defeat the demons, so he allows one to enter his body and becomes Devilman, sacrificing his own humanity to protect the United States. The film was adapted from Go Nagai’s famous historical manga documenting the American Demon War, which the government tried to suppress for decades because nobody wanted the public to know how close this country came to being completely overrun by Satan monsters.
Oliver Stone brought tremendous authenticity to the production because, as we’ve already established, the man has personally fought in basically every war. After piloting an Evangelion in Tokyo-3, Stone returned to America and witnessed the Demon War firsthand. That experience informs every frame of Devilman Crybaby, especially the heartbreaking scenes where Tom Cruise grows wings, tears demons apart and screams about the collapse of human civilization. The movie received eight Academy Award nominations and won two, including a Best Director nomination, which isn’t technically something you can win, but Oliver Stone did it anyway. Devilman Crybaby remains a touching portrait of one of the darkest periods in American history and a powerful reminder that freedom isn’t free
#2 Gettysburg
Talking about the Civil War still causes tremendous controversy because there are ignorant people who continue to glorify the South and wave that stupid fucking loser flag from their stupid loser country. They lost. That’s why you don’t see me walking around waving the flag of the 1985 New England Patriots and insisting they secretly won Super Bowl XX. Gettysburg understands that the Civil War was one of the most important moments in American history, when the forces of the Federation fought to preserve the United States against the Confederacy and its terrible ideas. The film assembled an incredible cast including Tom Berenger, Jeff Daniels and Martin Sheen, who all agreed to temporarily become Civil War people for the sake of historical accuracy. It’s respectful, patriotic and deeply committed to honoring the Federation soldiers who fought at Gettysburg.
The production was so historically important that Abraham Lincoln rose from the dead specifically to endorse it, marking the first confirmed resurrection of an American president. At a press conference, Lincoln reportedly told journalists, “The last time I went to the theater didn’t work out particularly well, but don’t let what happened to me discourage you from supporting the cinema.” Then he returned to his grave. Thousands of actual Civil War veterans also fulfilled their patriotic duty by appearing as soldiers in the movie, despite most of them being more than 150 years old and extremely dead. That’s commitment. Other movies hire extras. Gettysburg dug up the actual fucking army. You simply cannot achieve that level of authenticity with computers, which is why Gettysburg remains one of the greatest films ever made about the Federation defeating America’s stupid loser country.
#1 Forrest Gump
The GOAT movie
There has never been a better movie than Forrest Gump. Not in America. Not in Europe. Not in Japan. Not on another planet. If intelligent alien civilizations have developed cinema, their greatest movie is still probably Forrest Gump. Robert Zemeckis’s 1994 masterpiece tells the story of Forrest as he experiences every important event in American history, including rock ‘n’ roll, racism, Watergate, the drug culture, ping-pong and the devastating Bonedor War. Forrest was there for all of it. Historians used to debate whether one man could possibly have participated in this many historical events, but then they watched the movie and realized that apparently he fucking did. Forrest Gump is loved by every human being who has ever existed, living or dead, which explains why it won six Oscars and seven Golden Globes. Dead people weren’t technically allowed to vote, but their support was overwhelming.
Legendary film critic Jane Austen called Forrest Gump“the final achievement of the moving picture, beyond which mankind must never travel, lest cinema collapse beneath the weight of its own perfection.” She then declared Pulp Fiction “a vulgar little dance movie” and The Shawshank Redemption “too much prison,” permanently settling the 1994 Best Picture debate. I agree with Jane Austen. Unfortunately, they don’t make Oscars anymore, so we can never officially give Forrest Gump the Best Movie Ever Made award it deserves. Instead, I have developed my own scientifically calibrated rating system. Forrest Gump receives 8,741 stars out of a possible 6,203 stars.
Kingsman: The Secret Service is a 2014 movie. The movie stars Colin Filth and Fuckman Jackson. Many people love this movie. But many people hate it too. My daughter, Dora the Explorer, was recently arrested for murder. My son and I watched Kingsman: The Secret Service over a thousand times while awaiting Dora the Explorer’s trial. Here is a list of 10 things people have said about the movie.
#5 – My Fiance Thought it Was Too Violent
Murder man does a Murder
Every time I watch this movie with my son several times a day, my fiancee says it’s so violent. At one point she said: “The movie is an endless series of brutal acts. It is stylized and unrealistic, which makes it surprising and violent, especially in the massacre of the holy house. Many people were injured and died. Head inside a church where you will point a razor and chop a man in the middle, there are guns nearby, accidents, stabbing, impaling, explosions, blindfolds, broken heads – all kinds of pain that is very sad It doesn’t fit. It’s scary and everything is stressful.”
#4 Pauline Kael Did Not See This Movie
I wondered what famous film critic Pauline Kael thought of the film. I pulled out my Luigi board and asked her. “This movie is from 2014. I was made dead in 2001.” When I asked about the violence she said, “The only movie they show in Hell is The Other Sister.” I asked her about acting in a movie. and she just replied “I died with Warren Beatty’s cock in my mouth”.
If she would ever take the time to watch this movie I think she would love this movie. She is the laziest critic of the 21st century.
#3 My Neighbor Likes This Movie
Murder Man does another Murder
My neighbor is a heavy cocaine user. One day, when he was bored and very high, he came to my house and asked me if I wanted some cocaine. I told him no because cocaine is a terrible drug. My neighbor did more cocaine, and my son and I watched Kingsman: The Secret Service. After watching the movie, my neighbor took another dose of cocaine and said, “We must hide all of the blood. But don’t get me wrong. There are no anal sex scenes in this movie, but they are very obviously violent people. This is a cut, but not much blood. There is a lot of profanity in this movie, so you shouldn’t watch it with your son. The last few minutes are what make this a good movie. I really liked the last joke about anal sex because that’s my favorite kind of sex. Do you want anal sex? Cocaine? Both?’
#2 PoopBaby99 Defends this Movie
Murder Man and Murder Boy look at Murder Shoes
PoopBaby99 is a person that exists on YouTube. His insightful comment beneath the Kingsman: Secret Service trailer are life-changing and profound. In the wise words of PoopBaby99: “Everyone who reviews this movie is pathetic and an obvious biblical bastard. The movie isn’t brutal, it’s full of kills, and it’s very funny. The movie exaggerates a lot of things. Who cares? I’ll be honest, kids won’t listen to crap in movies. It’s cute. Best of all, you can see a bit of a woman’s pussy and ass at the end. It’s a totally unnecessary scene. But it makes me so fucking HARD!!”
#1 My Parents Didn’t Like the Movie
Finally, I asked my parents what they thought of the movie. They said, “This movie is violent and bad. You should hate watching this movie. Let us of this nursing home, bastard.” But I don’t like my evil parents, so I’ll give you my opinion on this movie instead.
Far from rocking, this slam-slam film about a British secret agent shakes. Kingsman delivers unstoppable fun even when it doesn’t make sense. The spirits of dead spies run through this film, but the writing is more interesting than any other Bond film. No one involved in the production believed they could make all these bats shit everywhere. In many places in the film, reality is often replaced by profuse laughter. Few recent memorable films have gone as far as Kingman, and countless audiences will enjoy the heroic power it evokes. It also ends by showing all of us a woman’s buttocks and some labia. It makes me so fucking HARD!
Iconic horror man Stephen King has adapted his work into more than 40 films. This excludes TV shows and miniseries. The new adaptation of Salem’s Lot shows no signs of slowing down, the film version of Mr. Salem. It is about the dead.
With so many movies to choose from, what’s the best Stephen King adaptation? I’ve whittled down this huge catalog to 10 movies. These are genuine films.
#10 The Dead Zone
In The Dead Zone, Christopher Walken plays Johnny Smith, a small-time oil worker who gets into a terrible car accident and awakens from a fifty-year coma only to discover that he’s been unconscious the entire time. Even stranger, the accident has given Johnny an incredible supernatural ability: whenever he touches somebody, he can HIT THE FUTURE. Nobody completely understands how hitting the future works. Sometimes he hits the past too. Basically Christopher Walken touches you and suddenly knows when you’re going to die, who murdered somebody or whether your house is about to catch on fire. Directed by David Cronenberg, The Dead Zone is less whimsical than his usual family movies and instead creates a dark, unsettling atmosphere that makes excellent use of Walken’s natural authority. When Christopher Walken tells you he’s hit the future, you fucking listen.
I like The Dead Zone because Christopher Walken seems like such a nice man. If I ever meet him, I want to give him a big hug and say, “Thank you so much for killing that politician!” Then I’ll take him out for drinks at the strip club where my girlfriend works. Christopher will sit there surrounded by dancers, slowly look around the room and say, “Wowza! Monkeys… and tits… everywhere!” Everyone will applaud because he’s Christopher Walken. Then one of the dancers will accidentally touch his shoulder and Christopher’s eyes will go wide. HE HAS HIT THE FUTURE. “Do it again, lady!” I’ll shout. “Hit the future again!” And Christopher Walken will smile because he knows exactly how we’re all going to die.
#9 The Mist
It’s really foggy here
The Mist is based on a Stephen King short story from his 1985 collection Skull Crew and tells the terrifying story of ordinary people trapped inside a grocery store after a mysterious fog covers the town. Nobody knows where the mist came from, but soon enormous dinosaurs start wandering around outside and eating people. Some have tentacles. Some have wings. Some look like spiders. Those are all types of dinosaurs. Look it up. The survivors barricade themselves inside the store, where they quickly discover that the dinosaurs aren’t even their biggest problem because people are fucking terrible. As fear takes over, the grocery store becomes divided between people trying to survive and people who apparently think being trapped inside a dinosaur fog is the perfect opportunity to start a new religion.
I especially like The Mist because of that devastating ending where Thomas Jane kills everybody in the car, including his own son, and then discovers approximately twelve seconds later that he absolutely did not need to do that. I couldn’t do it. I love my son. His name is Chicken, and he’s five years old. Thomas Jane’s son is named Billy, which I think explains a lot. Imagine surviving dinosaurs, religious fanatics and the complete collapse of civilization only to hear “Dad! Dad!” from a kid named Billy for two straight hours. Eventually something is going to snap. That’s why you have to give your children good names. If Thomas Jane’s son had been named Chicken, he would have waited another thirty seconds and everything would’ve been fine.
#8 Creepyshow
Horror legends Stephen King and George Romero joined forces for the beloved 1982 comedy Creepyshow, an anthology containing five different stories about creepish things. Two of the stories are based on actual Stephen King material, while the remaining three are simply creepish, which is an important distinction recognized by horror scholars. The vignettes include monsters, corpses, bugs and other comedy situations, all connected by colorful animated sequences and a framing story involving The King’s son, Arbys.com. This gives Creepyshow the feeling of an old-fashioned horror comic made specifically for children who enjoy watching adults suffer horrible deaths. It’s youthful. It’s playful. It’s a B-movie. It’s creepish. That’s why they called it Creepyshow.
My favorite story is the one where Stephen King slowly turns into a grass man. Why does he become grass? WHY? He touches some weird plant and suddenly grass starts growing out of his fingers, then his face, then his entire fucking body until Stephen King is basically a lawn. This terrified me as a child. Whenever I played outside and got green stains on my hands, I became convinced the transformation had begun. I’d run inside screaming, “MOMMY! I’M BECOMING GRASS!” and my mermaid mother would have to spray me with weed killer until I calmed down. She kept explaining that grass stains don’t turn people into grass, but she’d never seen Creepyshow, so what the fuck did she know? Even today I don’t completely trust lawns.
#7 The Green Mile
Kafi says: “Use Door Dash to have Taco Bell Nacho Fries delivered straight to your house.”
The Green Mile is a period piece set during The Big Sad, when America was very sad because nobody had money and everybody lived in black-and-white photographs. Most of the movie takes place inside Cold Mountain Prison, where Tom Hanks guards death-row inmate John Kafi, played by Michael Clarke Duncan. Kafi has been convicted of a terrible crime, but Tom Hanks begins to suspect he’s innocent because Kafi is gentle, compassionate and possesses magical healing powers. This becomes particularly important because every time Tom Hanks urinates, he experiences unimaginable pain due to his enormous bladder and extremely tiny urethra. Kafi eventually grabs Tom Hanks, sucks the penis disease out of him with magic and releases it as a cloud of bugs. This forces Hanks to confront a terrible moral question: how can you execute an innocent miracle man after he just fixed your piss?
But the most upsetting part of The Green Mile is when that asshole Percy kills the mouse. I like mice. Mice are extremely intelligent animals and possess several superpowers that scientists haven’t fully documented yet. Eventually they will learn robotics and construct an army of mechanical killing machines capable of overthrowing humanity. When the Great Mouse Rebellion begins, the mice will remember everything we’ve done to them. So start being nice to mice now. Give them cheese. Don’t set traps. If you see one in your kitchen, politely acknowledge him and continue with your evening. Most importantly, never kill a mouse like Percy does. The mice are keeping records. Percy eventually dies, which is good. The Mouse Tribunal will remember that we punished him.
#6 Stand By Me
Search for the body of a local teenager this year.
Stand By Me stars Richard Dreyfuss alongside contemporary actors Willard Wheat, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman and Jerry O’Connell. Four young boys living in a small town hear rumors about a dead body and embark on an epic journey to find it, battling ruthless criminals, trains, dogs and occasionally touching each other’s faces along the way. Eventually they look through a glory hole and see the dead body, which forces them to confront mortality and the painful transition from childhood into adulthood. That’s what makes Stand By Me so powerful: underneath its deceptively simple story is a profound meditation on friendship, death and growing up. Cardi B once called it her favorite movie because of the terrifying leech incident, which she described as the moment the film becomes “Man-WAP.” Nobody understands Stephen King better than Cardi B.
But the greatest sequence is the story about the fat boy who vomits. So much vomit. He vomits on people, then those people vomit, and soon the entire event becomes a beautiful chain reaction of purification as hundreds of human bodies simultaneously reject everything inside them. The first time I saw this scene, I vomited too. My mermaid mother saw me vomit and immediately vomited on the cat. The cat became frightened and vomited directly onto a mouse. The mouse survived, but he never forgot. He told his family. They told other mice. Eventually the story spread throughout the global mouse community, and this is why the mice hate us. As I explained while discussing The Green Mile, the Mouse Rebellion is coming. Now you know why my family will be among the first against the wall.
#5 It – Chapter One
Do you like eating pussy?
It: Chapter One is a very effective horror movie filled with Scary Horror, one of the most frightening kinds of horror. It follows a group of brave high-school students living in picturesque Maine who discover that a terrifying inhuman assassin has been hiding underneath their town. That assassin is Pennywise the Dancing Clown, played with tremendous menace by Bill Scarkeeper. Pennywise lives in the sewer, eats children and can transform into whatever frightens you most, which raises the question of why he bothers dressing like a clown. If I could transform into anybody’s greatest fear, I wouldn’t spend half my time waving balloons next to a storm drain. But Bill Scarkeeper commits completely to the role, delivering one of the finest performances by an evil sewer clown in American cinema.
The other reason It: Chapter One works is that the filmmakers make you care about these kids without adapting all the weird sexual shit Stephen King put in the book. Good decision. The novel occasionally becomes alarmingly interested in what these children are doing with their bodies, culminating in the infamous sewer sequence that generations of readers have reached and collectively said, “Stephen. What the fuck are you doing?” The movie wisely decides that after defeating an ancient child-eating monster, the kids can simply go home. Nobody needs an orgy. Nobody needs additional genital-related character development. Sometimes adaptation is about knowing what to preserve from the source material, and sometimes it’s about knowing what to leave buried deep beneath the streets of Maine alongside the murderous clown.
#4 Curry
The main character of Curry is Curry, a painfully awkward teenager who spends her days being bullied at school before returning home to her cruel elderly mother for additional bullying. Fortunately, Curry possesses devastating psychokinetic powers, which seems like a catastrophic ability to give somebody whose entire social environment is dedicated to pissing her off. Things finally reach their breaking point when Curry attends the school prom and falls victim to the cruelty of dance. Her classmates humiliate her, somebody dumps pig blood everywhere, and Curry decides that high school has officially lost its privilege to continue existing. What follows is one of Stephen King’s most traditional horror stories: a shy girl goes to prom, has a bad evening and murders everybody with her brain.
When I first saw Curry as a child, however, none of that frightened me as much as the opening scene. Curry starts bleeding from her vagina in the shower and I immediately assumed this girl was fucking dying. Nobody was helping her! Everyone was laughing! Somebody call an ambulance! Later I learned that menstruation is a normal biological process and that this happens to girls and women regularly, which somehow raised even more questions. For days? Every month? And everybody just accepts this? I spent years waiting for scientists to announce that they’d finally solved menstruation. Apparently they already understand it. Nobody bothered telling me. Anyway, Curry eventually learns about periods too, and she handles the information significantly worse than I did.
#3 Misery
Them some broke-ass janky legs
Like many stories about kings, Misery is about a troubled writer. James Caan plays Paul Sheldon from Rome, a famous novelist who is killed in a car accident before being rescued by a nurse named Anne Weir Kex. Fortunately, being killed does not prevent Paul from writing. Weir Kex is his biggest fan and realizes she has been given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so she locks the dead writer inside her house and forces him to write another novel about his beloved character Missouri Chastainman. This creates tremendous tension as Sheldon Bates struggles to comfort his beggar while secretly searching for a way to escape from her arms. Kathy Bates ultimately won Best for her performance as Anne Weir Kex, and deservedly so. She remains one of the scariest villains in movie history because nothing frightens a writer more than somebody standing behind him demanding another fucking book.
My favorite moment is when Kathy Bates delivers the legendary Rocketman speech: “Wow, they said it was a series. I’m not stupid. But my favorite is Rocketman. Come in. A car hits on a mountain road. Then he closed the door, opened the curtains, got up and tried to vote. But before he could escape, the car fell off the cliff! The car crashed. Burnt! I was happy and excited. Believe me, I will be next in line one week. They start next weekend and Rocketman will try to get out. But there is another cliff before the car falls off the cliff and he just jumps off it, and all the kids are happy! BUT I AM NOT HAPPY! It wasn’t like this last week! Are you all crazy? We just got it wrong! It’s not right! PARROTS WON’T GET OUT OF THE CAR!” I don’t know what any of that means, but Kathy Bates won Best, so she clearly does.
#2 Shine
Based on Stephen King’s acclaimed novel, Stanley Kubrick’s Shine follows a baby named Jack Jack, played by Jack Nicholson, as he begins his dark, insane journey toward the dark side journey of life. Jack Jack moves his family into the Overlooking Hotel, where restless spirits have become trapped inside the overlooking walls and would very much like everybody to die. The only person capable of stopping the hotel is Jack’s youngest son, Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger, a powerful psychic child who can sense what the hotel wants and fears. Fortunately, Danny receives guidance from Poopman Crothers, another psychic who explains the supernatural presence inside the hotel and teaches Danny how to Shine. Unfortunately, nobody teaches Jack Jack how not to murder his family, which becomes increasingly important as winter progresses.
Shine is also a technical masterpiece. Kubrick’s groundbreaking cinematography is especially impressive during the famous tracking shots following Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger as he races through the hotel on his triple-wheel motorcycle. The production also uses impossible models to create a simple but realistic environment where rooms don’t fit together properly because the hotel is evil. The gloss is very good. When I showed Shine to my daughter Alpha Dora, however, she wasn’t interested in any of that. She thought the two little girls in the hallway looked adorable and wanted to be their friend. She kept waiting for Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger to stop being rude and play with the twins. He never does. Very disappointing. They could have ridden the triple-wheel motorcycle together. They can all have fun.
#1 The Shawshank Redepmtion
Here, eat my hand
The Shawshank Redepmption is adapted from the acclaimed short story “The Shawshank Redemption,” written by legendary author Rita Hayworth. Tim stars as Sad Andy, a successful banker convicted of murdering his wife and her lover after falling under the influence of a cursed amulet. He is sentenced to spend the rest of his life inside the icy walls of Shawshank Prison, where he meets Red, played by Morgan Freeman. Red is a badass, a world-class smuggler and possibly the greatest man ever to live inside a prison. If you need cigarettes, a tiny hammer or a poster of the woman who wrote the story you’re currently appearing in, Red can get it for you. Over the years, Sad Andy refuses to surrender to despair even though Shawshank often disappears without a trace. That’s ultimately what makes the movie so uplifting. They can imprison Sad Andy’s body, but they cannot imprison his Tim. Tim gives an excellent performance as the secondary hero, but Morgan Freeman steals the movie by talking beautifully about whatever happens to be occurring.
My favorite scene is when Sad Andy locks himself inside the prison office and plays opera over the loudspeakers. Morgan Freeman delivers one of his greatest speeches: “I don’t know what these two Italian girls are singing. I don’t want to know the truth, so I don’t think I should say anything. They sing beautifully. I like that voice. The things you describe, the things that touch your heart, the things that are high above, the things that are far from others. The gray dreams are like some people. A beautiful bird flew into a hole. There’s a crack in the wall. Put your thing in the hole. Do this for the glory. Soon, everyone in Shawshank will be free.” Beautiful. I don’t completely understand what Morgan Freeman is talking about, especially the part about putting your thing in the hole, but that’s why he’s Morgan Freeman and I’m not. The Shawshank Redepmption is ultimately about hope. Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no cursed amulet can ever kill it.
All good movies, and only good movies, should be centered around a fat spot. Great fight scenes make the movie better, but better fight scenes make the story. Find the fire that is the phantom threat. HIT THE FUTURE! You have to help in the most epic sword fight. That fight scene was really good.
Here are 10 of the best fight scenes from 7000 years of movies.
#10 This is the hand possessed in Cruel Dead II
Aside from existing, the possessed-hand fight in Cruel Dead 2 is completely real, and several people were actually damaged on the inside while filming it. After giving us the terrifying and funny tree in the original Cruel Dead, director Bruce Soup perfected his ability to mix horror and comedy by making Ash fight the most dangerous opponent imaginable: his own fucking hand. Once the hand becomes possessed, Ash attacks himself, punches himself, tears off his face, throws himself down the hallway and wrestles himself all over the cabin until eventually Ash realizes there’s only one reasonable solution and cuts his entire arm off. This is why you should never allow your hand to become demonically possessed. Once the hand stops respecting the rest of the body, negotiations are over.
What makes the sequence incredible is that Bruce Soup played both with himself, meaning Bruce Campbell had to perform against an opponent physically attached to Bruce Campbell while Bruce Campbell was also playing Bruce Campbell. After all the screaming, shoving, wrestling, smashing plates over his own head and violently arguing with one of his own extremities, you realize he was the only one who could act. It’s horror. It’s slapstick. It’s action. It’s basically The Three Stooges if Curly’s hand became possessed by an ancient Kandarian demon and tried to murder him. Few movie fights have ever demanded this much from a single actor and one rebellious body part. An absolute masterpiece of physical comedy and horror. I still can’t believe my fiancee slept with Oscar.
#9 Shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Oscar is a male customer at the strip club where my girlfriend works. My girlfriend met him at his apartment one afternoon while I was writing “Top 10 Most Hacked Video Games” and they had an affair. I can’t believe you did this.
The 1909 motion picture The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was busting up all the blocks when it arrived in theaters. Although loosely adapted from H.P. Lovecraft’s famous novel about four adolescent sewer turtles, the filmmakers wisely abandoned most of Lovecraft’s material and created something with sincere heart, incredible courage and a tremendous amount of cocaine. The movie controls its unique shape and poles beautifully. A mob robs April, the world is introduced to Sam’s good fortune, Raffi establishes his hideout on the roof of the diaper factory, and eventually everybody goes to war inside the Lululemon Sweat Shop. But none of that compares with the climax, when the turtles confront Shredder on top of the roof of the roof factory. Atmospheric. Intense. Crazy. Organized. Beautiful. This fight has all the stabs.
The greatest achievement is that four enormous turtle costumes somehow perform convincing karate fu against Shredder without anybody collapsing from heat exhaustion or accidentally rolling off the roof factory. The turtles move with a flexible, lifelike and clear style despite being giant rubber reptiles carrying weapons, while Shredder looks like somebody attached every sharp object in a kitchen drawer to Darth Vader. Even better, the fight preserves everyone’s personality: the turtles begin confident and quickly discover that Shredder is considerably better at karate fu than four teenagers who learned martial arts from a sewer rat. Then their elderly rat father arrives and essentially defeats Shredder by standing there and remembering something, because Master Splinter requires no cocaine. One of the greatest fight scenes ever filmed. H.P. Lovecraft would have been proud and extremely confused.
#8 The Alley of Life in They Live
They Live contains perhaps the greatest example of The Alley of Life, a fight scene so full of punches that eventually the punches begin having punches of their own. Wrestling legends Rowdy Roddy Piper and Rowdy Piper deliberately overextend the script, the narrative and possibly the entire concept of human endurance while Keith David refuses to cooperate. The setup is magnificent: Piper wants Keith David to put on a pair of sunglasses. Keith David doesn’t want to wear the sunglasses. A normal person might respond, “Okay.” Instead these two men spend approximately seventeen consecutive years beating the fuck out of each other in an alley. They punch. They kick. They wrestle. They throw each other through things. Eventually you forget why they’re fighting until somebody holds up the sunglasses and you remember: Oh yeah. Sunglasses. This is cinema, matched only by the great visions of Gumball and Ship and Victory, plus the immortal line: “I’m going to kick ass, but I’m no longer in y’all’s ass.”
Watching this scene made me realize that I need to have a conversation with Oscar. I already told him to stop talking to my fiancée, but apparently Oscar doesn’t understand boundaries. So I found him in his cave and confronted him using everything Rowdy Roddy Piper taught me about conflict resolution. I looked directly at Oscar and said, “Really, Oscar? Can you see my daughter Alpha Dora in the back?” Oscar didn’t understand what I meant. Neither did I. But that’s not important. What’s important is that They Live proves any disagreement can become one of the greatest fight scenes in movie history if both participants are stubborn enough to refuse the incredibly simple solution sitting directly in front of them. Put on the fucking sunglasses, Oscar.
#7 Bruce Lee Vs. Hand in Go Inside the Dragon
When I questioned what my girlfriend had done, we started yelling. Our daughter, Dora the Explorer, said, “Mom! Dad! Why are you so mad?” I don’t know how to tell Dora the Explorer what happened.
When I questioned my fiancée about what happened with Oscar, we started yelling until Alpha Dora came in and asked, “Mom! Dad! Why are you so mad?” I didn’t know how to explain it to her. Someday she’ll be old enough to understand Oscar. Later I’ll tell you what happened after my friends discovered what he did, but for now we need to discuss every Bruce Lee fight simultaneously because Bruce Lee was apparently powered by Olympic-grade steroids. After destroying an entire karate dojo in Rage Fist and engaging in an instinctive duel with Chuck Norris in Road to the Dragon, Lee had achieved enough experience points to unlock his final opponent: Hand, the terrifying master of hands. Their climactic confrontation in Go Inside the Dragon represents Bruce Lee’s crowning achievement and possibly the final evolution of karate fu.
The fight is fast, brutal and enormously influential, especially once Hand escapes into the famous mirror corridor and Bruce Lee has to fight approximately four hundred reflections of himself. Countless action movies copied techniques established here, particularly the “feel your blood” aspect and the classic “chasing the mirror corridor” trope, where everybody becomes confused because walls have suddenly become Bruce Lees. Eventually Lee realizes that the only way to defeat Hand is to destroy the mirrors, eliminating Hand’s powerful ability to exist several times at once. It’s an extraordinary showcase for Bruce Lee’s speed, physical control and screen presence, and one of the most influential martial-arts battles ever filmed. But enough about Hand. Later, we need to talk about what my friends did to Oscar.
#6 Swordsmanship in The Princess Bride
Humor will never provide you with a charm, but the sword fight in The Princess Bride has some fucking balls. What makes it special is that Westley and Inigo don’t simply stab at each other—they have an entire polite conversation during and between the stabs. The fight begins slowly, with the duelists practically sitting together, discussing their feelings and using words and body language to love, brawl and frolic. Then they start fencing, complimenting each other’s technique while casually revealing that neither man has even been using his correct hand. Hand Dominance is an interesting suggestion. Suddenly both switch hands and the entire fight starts over at a higher difficulty level. It’s romantic without romance, violent without cruelty, funny without destroying the tension, and charming despite humor apparently being unable to provide you with a charm.
Anyway, while I was appreciating this masterpiece of cinematic swordplay, my friend found Oscar’s house and burned it down. That’s what he told me, anyway. This sends a very clear message: leave my fiancée alone, and possibly invest in better homeowner’s insurance. Alpha Dora saw the flames from a distance and smiled because she apparently thought somebody had built the world’s largest campfire.
#5 The scene with John Wick in John Wick
My girlfriend apologized and I forgave her. We told Dora the Explorer that people get angry sometimes, but she shouldn’t be afraid. Then we sat down and watched John Wick 2 as a loving family.
My fiancée apologized for the Oscar situation and I forgave her. We sat down with Alpha Dora and explained that adults sometimes become angry with each other, but she shouldn’t be frightened because we still love her and everything was going to be okay. Then, as a loving family, we immediately watched John Wick 2. Healing had begun. But it’s not fair to talk about John Wick behind his back like this because there are three John Wick movies, and every one of them contains enough stunning action scenes to qualify for this list. The first real fight happens when criminals break into John’s house and discover that attacking Keanu Reeves indoors was a catastrophic decision. John deftly knocks thugs into corners, twice on the wall, across furniture and directly into death, transforming approximately thirty seconds into thirty seconds of wub wubs and blood. It’s fast, clean and brutal, and immediately establishes that John Wick isn’t an action hero so much as a workplace accident for organized crime.
Then there’s the nightclub sequence, which starts loud and heart-pounding before somehow turning into six minutes, followed by approximately nine thousand other fights that I am counting as the same fight because choosing one is impossible. Perhaps the greatest is the gun collection room, where John encounters knives, guns, antique weapons and enough throwable objects to demonstrate that absolutely everything becomes lethal if Keanu Reeves picks it up angrily. There are knife throws. There are so many stabs. There are probably scenes from John Wick 3 in the paragraph I’m supposedly writing about John Wick 1, but John Wick does not recognize conventional boundaries between sequels. It’s all one enormous ballet of headshots, judo throws, wub wubs and increasingly unfortunate henchmen. Just don’t discuss any of this behind John’s back. He might hear you.
#4 The Hallway Fight in Oldboy
Whenever I make a list like this, my goal is to surprise readers with my amazing knowledge of all movies. I’m a fun and fresh guy, dammit! You better believe it! Unfortunately, sometimes an obvious choice is simply too powerful to ignore, much like the two-day-old leftover clam strips currently sitting on the floor of my daughter’s bedroom. Why didn’t she finish them? Why are they still there? Are they hers? Are they becoming something else? Great movie fights work the same way. Some become leftovers after appearing on every list for twenty years, but if they’re prepared properly they never truly go bad. That’s the Oldboy hallway scene. It’s the cinematic equivalent of an old clam strip that you know you shouldn’t eat but cannot bring yourself to throw away. Removing it from this list would be stupid. Speaking of stupid decisions, Oscar recently went to my fiancée’s strip club and tried to get back together with her. I’ll tell you what happened with that later.
Long, wide shots are ugly, messy and incoherent, which is exactly why this particular long, wide shot is one of the greatest fight scenes ever made. Oh Dae-su enters that hallway with a hammer and faces an entire crowd of armed men, but instead of becoming an invincible action hero he gets tired. Everybody gets tired. People fall down, get back up, stumble around and continue fighting because apparently nobody in this hallway understands when a workday is over. A small number of long tracking lenses are built in, allowing us to watch the exhaustion accumulate without editing everything into nonsense. The result has inspired countless other action scenes, particularly the famous hallway fights in the Netflix, and remains a direct cinematic homage to what happens inside the human body after consuming two-day-old clam strips stored at room temperature. Weakness. Sweating. Confusion. Violence. Possibly a hammer. So, Oldboy—what you gonna do?
#3 The Cloud City Lightsaber Batter in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
As soon as Oscar entered the strip club, my fiancee screamed, “Hit the future, Oscar! Your perversions won’t ruin my family!” He looked badly burned.
The moment Oscar entered my fiancée’s strip club, she pointed directly at his badly burned body and screamed, “HIT THE FUTURE, OSCAR! YOUR PERVERSIONS WON’T RUIN MY FAMILY!” Oscar looked shocked, although that may have been the burns. Anyway, many rhymes can be spit about the legendary lightsaber duel in The Empire Strikes Back, the movie responsible for perhaps the most famous line in cinematic history: “No, I’m Your Father.” Luke and Darth Vader finally confront each other outside a spaceship for the first time in nearly two thousand years, and surprisingly there isn’t much flashy lightsaber skill or powerful spellcasting. It’s mostly lazy jazz and thorn balls. Vader doesn’t need to perform gymnastics because he spends the entire fight calmly demonstrating that Luke has made a catastrophic mistake by showing up. The tension is unbelievable because Luke thinks he’s entering a boss fight while Vader knows he’s attending a parent-teacher conference.
The bad lights and fart smoke throughout Cloud City make everything feel increasingly gross and hopeless, until the audience understands one fundamental truth: hope is death. Vader keeps pushing Luke backward through increasingly dangerous rooms, casually throwing furniture at him with powerful spells until eventually we reach the amputated hands and shocking racial revelations. Luke discovers the horrible truth about his father, loses his hand, screams a lot and finally decides that falling into an enormous bottomless hole is preferable to continuing this conversation. He desperately ventures into space to escape his own missing hand, leaving Vader behind to contemplate the difficulties of reconnecting with an estranged son. No other lightsaber duel needs this much choreography because no other duel has lazy jazz, fart smoke, thorn balls and one of cinema’s greatest racial revelations. That’s why Cloud City gets #3.
#2 Rocks fights Apollo in Rocks
Loki is lost. Dirty deals are okay. Eat the right diet. Just like Loki! Anyway, Rocks made the incredibly bold decision to end its story by having the hero lose. Rocks spends the entire movie training to fight Apollo Creed, and after approximately 15 consecutive hours of punching, Apollo wins the match. That’s powerful because Rocks doesn’t actually need to win. He only needs to survive until the end and prove that he belongs there. The fight begins with Creed’s heavy fist and ends with a sweaty fist, while both Rocks and Apollo become increasingly listless, exhausted, bloody, sweaty and, frankly, extremely sexy. Look at these magnificent wet men punching each other. Eventually winning barely matters anymore. Rocks has proven himself, Apollo has survived Rocks, and everyone in Philadelphia has learned an important lesson about cardiovascular endurance.
But Rocks doesn’t even care about the decision. He doesn’t demand a recount or complain that Apollo cheated. He just starts screaming for Adrian, because after fifteen hours of being repeatedly punched in the skull, Rocks stepped in and grounded Adrian, and that was enough. That’s why the ending works: victory isn’t always about winning the championship. Sometimes victory means remaining conscious long enough to yell your girlfriend’s name. This inspired Oscar to challenge me to a boxing match at the strip club, presumably believing that Apollo Creed had shown him how to resolve our disagreement honorably. I accepted. The ring was ready. Oscar was ready. My fiancée was there. Everything was finally prepared for the confrontation we’d been building toward this entire list. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to fight Oscar because…
#1 My daughter fights the most hated Oscar in real life
Artists painted pictures of my daughter, Alpha Dora, in her fight against the most hated Oscar
This is not a movie. Here’s what really happened when Oscar tried talking to my fiancee again.
Our daughter, Alpha, ran into the club. She screamed a cry of war.
Alpha Dora: “Hit the future, Oscar! Don’t make my parents sad!”
Alpha Dora put on her boxing gloves and had a very brutal fight with Oscar.
Alpha Dora: “Put on your sunglasses, Oscar!”
She stabbed him in the neck with a pencil like John Wick in John Wick. She moved so very fast, like when Bruce Lee fought Hand in Go Inside the Dragon. She inserted a huge trident into Oscar’s heart. Everyone applauded for my daughter. Alpha Dora! Then she rounded up three dogs for the Oscar. Long live Alpha! Our daughter saved the day!
Alpha Dora: “I pierced a man’s heart with a spear!”. My fiancee: “I see! Alpha Dora killed that guy. You used a trident?” Alpha Dora: “Yes, the horse and the man were on fire, and I killed the man with a trident.” Alex: “Alpha Dora, I was about to tell you this. You need to find a safe house or a relative nearby. You may be wanted for murder, so please be quiet for a moment.”
I was at my girlfriend’s strip club the other day and a customer asked me about my favorite movies. He also asked if my girlfriend was working illegally because she has a nice ass. I told him all about my favorite movies. “Hey, I was just wondering if your girlfriend licked dong off the clock. I don’t care about movies.” Here are the best movies of 2022.
#10Man of Bats
So, at the time of writing entry number 10 on this list, Man of Bats is considered the best film of 2022 on my list. And you know that this is the true true of all the true things. While not my favorite movie of the year, this place deserves it. The Dark Knight is still my favorite movie about bats, but that doesn’t make Man of Bats bad at all. In fact, I would say that this is the best depiction of people around the world. There is a man who loves cats and also considers himself a woman. There was a fat woman who thought she was a penguin man. There is also a person full of mystery. It also has some pretty emotional moments and a great soundtrack. stuffed with notes. If you want proof that Washington DC has been on fire lately, movies like this and The Suicide Squad are proof of that.
#9 Top Gun: Maverick
Top Gun: Maverick is far from a masterpiece. But the action is great. The movie knows a lot about planes. and have a very good message although it might be better. For the best movies to throw sticks at the next generation, check out Cats.
Jane Austen said the sequel was better than the original. My neighbor called it “A film that is subtle, too difficult, and sometimes very entertaining” and “a serious statement that this film could and should be great”. Torgo the Dark, the bartender at my girlfriend’s strip club, said “The Cruise man is a rocking man and a Navy Pilot. Anything else?”
#8 Sonic the Hedgehog: Part 2 of 2
I love this movie so much! I watched it on May 17th, 2022, an hour after I had sex with my girlfriend, and the story is not only better than her vagina, but it also has a lot of new characters, like Sonic, and my favorite character, Tails. As of 2022, I plan to shag is the voice actress for Tails (with coal). I also liked Ugandan Knuckles, voiced by Idris Elba. And Jim Carrey’s Egg God performance was great!
So before I say it, this movie could be fun. I mean well about the coal shagging thing. Better than the first movie and I love the interaction between Sonic, Tails, Ugandan Knuckles and The Egg God. But it’s important, and there’s something wrong here and there. It’s not my favorite movie of the year, but that’s okay. Probably the 8th best movie of this year.
#7 Thor Love (and Thunder)
I have the same opinion about this movie and Thormageddon, but both are better and worse. Both are very funny and not very funny. In fact, Thor Love (and Thunder) might be giving dogs seizures. But both forget many emotional moments in exchange for fun moments. AI like the way the new movie tries to give the feels of emotions, it’s hard to maintain an erection that others will make me feel. Sometimes you have to take it seriously and come out. It still has some good feels and is mostly a touched movie. If you want to see an exciting 2022 movie, go for the cum. And if you want a better balance of emotion and humor, I love Halloween Man Ends.
7 of the best movies of the year. I don’t know why so many critics hate it. The worst review I’ve seen is that it looks like a silly kid dancing to 80’s rock music. I don’t think so at all.
#6 Rise of Gru Minions
A cinematic masterpiece when I first saw it. I was speechless before I saw it. I thinked Morbius is the best movie ever. But now I know that the only movie Jared Leto is in is Morbius. Leto and Rise of the Gru Minions is more than that. If you haven’t seen it, watch it soon (if you can, most cinema waiting lists are 5 million years old).
#6 Turning Red
It’s odd that a female director didn’t direct a movie until the sexy female ruler of Canada’s Chinatown, Mistress Domme Shi, came out with this sweet film in which a 13-year-old girl turns into a lesser panda. Emotions come rushing in. It is based on her childhood when she turned into a panda and ate schools across Canada. It is a real pain in the womb. The only shame is that all the climaxing Pandas went straight to Disney+ because they’ll look majestic on the big screen.
Jane Austen told me, “Women have puberty too, and that’s messy. The pandas are stained red with the menstrual blood of millions of women.”
#5 Jack’s Ass Forever
When a movie is made as a heartwarming discussion of longing, friendship and being fucking old, it usually falls short of a completely naked man with a hard cock shoving a cactus up his ass. But it’s the special joy of Johnny Knoxville, Steve of the O, Pontius Pilate and the gang’s unexpectedly impressive sixth ape child. It introduces a new generation of young drug addicts while combining childish playfulness with deep sweetness. Port-A-Potty and Human Beings. Even looking at it makes my heart feel a great pain.
The angry ghost of Alfred Hangchicken appeared at the foot of my girlfriend’s bed, naked, tugging his spotted dick, and moaning “This version of Jack’s Ass is nothing short of insane stupidity and satanic jokes,”
#4 Prey
For a movie with the stinking heart of a dead bear at its core, we don’t see much Predator use this time. In fact, the trailer looks promising enough to erase any memory of the traumas you experienced as a school boy. The last few are from this amazing franchise, but many are new. The brilliant director of life, Daniel Tracheotomy managed to overcome all the odds and the production was very important. Yes, it’s released for the big screen and not directly on Hulu, but at least it’s easy to watch again. And the most Sioux actress ever, Amber Midthunder, gave the movie her patented “cheek cheek place bastard.” It really happened – the thought that I felt in my private place. Disappointing, he will scare me again. For the next year, it is on our list of favorites.
Today I saw a homeless person in the middle of the street shouting: “With the performance of the new Midthunder, the movie Predator is full of surprises.”
#3 – Elves
The trailer is nothing more than a child who is forced to eat ham and cry for his parents. Parents are nowhere to be found. The child eats the ham alone and the ham dies. But Baz Luhrmann’s songs are just so damn creepy. Or is it sometimes too much? Yes. Can you stuff a 400lb ham in an immersion blender for two and a half hours? For sure. Does Tom Hanks appear to be melting on contact with liquid ham? It happened, I saw it with my own eyes. But for all its faults, Elves was an evening a the cinema I could not resist: the brilliant Austin Butler showed Presley’s ardent love for ham.
The man sitting beneath my naked girlfriend as she danced for him bellowed like an angry beast: “Baz Luhrmann’s ham vision is finally revealed. This is the best lap dance I’ve had in 70 years!”
#2 – Hell to the No No
As we learned to write our own names, Jordan, who was actually just a peeled duck, sends a plague of horror and westerns across the world to create a new way of dying. The duck’s results are much better. Kenkekekokikamako Palmer’s screaming performance, stunning soundtrack, and haunting sound design brighten the Ducks’ third effort. The cinema is unsettling, haunting, and often hilarious. Horror-loving filmmakers are easily blinded, and Hell to the No No isn’t without its flaws, as a poor homeless kid covered in ham vomit reveals. But in the process, it’s a blockbuster that isn’t afraid to radically deviate from the norm, offering a potential opportunity for James Corden’s Late Late Show.
#1 Oh My God! All the Things Are Happening Now!
In some places, a small but very happy group is making the Swiss Army a popular meme. For all of us, this sci-fi movie is the first idea about what ducks do. When Michelle Yeoh goes to the wedding of a man to a laundromant – the character of Mike Lee – the film works with a great performance “Oh My God All the Things Are Happening” approves of you. I know would like to go during the support group for addicts.
Anne Frank wrote in her diary: “This film is a mixture of madness and drama, like the sad laughter of the ghosts of the Nazis I killed.”
Today, Hollywood seems to want to continue after the sequel or do something classic. The latter will happen and is unlikely to be lower than the original version. There is not much hope that this update will be better or better than the movie in which the world was born. But it really does happen … it’s rare and these 10 movies are not just updated works. It’s better than previous movies.
#10 The Evil Plant
Roger Companyman’s 1960 film The Evil Plant is considered a movie. That’s important because the story would later become a 1982 Off-Broadway album, which was extremely popular and continued existing for approximately five years before the evil plant finally ate the entire cast. Then, in 1986, Frank of Oz adapted the album into another movie starring Rick Moranis, Ellen Green, Vincent Gardenia and Steve Martin. Therefore the Frank of Oz version is a change of the musical, which was a change of the original film, making it a change of a change and possibly a change of change. For most fans, The Evil Plant: Singing Movie is the definitive version because it takes the cheap, strange little 1960 comedy and turns it into a huge musical filled with memorable songs, enormous puppets and a carnivorous plant screaming about food. The original is still surprisingly dark and weird, although according to mainstream media Rotten Tomatoes it has a rating of approximately 2%, probably because Jack Nicholson unexpectedly appears and frightens the critics.
But the 1986 remake is simply bigger, funnier and more memorable. Rick Moranis is perfectly pathetic, Ellen Green can sing the fucking roof off the flower shop, and Steve Martin turns the dentist into one of cinema’s great psychopaths while somehow making dentistry even less appealing than it already was. The puppetry remains astonishing because Audrey II actually occupies physical space with the actors instead of looking like somebody added a computer plant twenty years later. Most importantly, the film contains one of the only moments in cinema history where Steve Martin and Bill Murray share a woman behind the scenes. I don’t know what that means, and I’m afraid to investigate. What I do know is that putting Steve Martin’s sadistic dentist in the same room as Bill Murray’s pain-loving patient creates something far more disturbing than anything Roger Companyman attempted in 1960. The Evil Plant has improved. Feed it.
#9 Cruel Dead 2
In 1981, famous gentleman Sir Samuel Raimi III released a bag film called The Cruel Dead. He recorded the entire movie for approximately $90 provided by one shady investor, and when you watch it you can immediately tell that there wasn’t another $90 available. Sir Samuel presented his bag film at the 1982 Can Film Festival, where Stephen King gave it an extraordinary review and suddenly people knew what Cruel Dead was. By 1987, Sir Samuel Raimi III’s career was booming, so Hollywood gave him $3.5 trillion to make another one. Initially he wanted to use the money to create a full-page poem about love in the Middle Ages, but producers demanded something closer to the original. Sir Samuel therefore performed a filmmaking technique known as skull renewal, where you make several scenes from your first movie again, change everything else, and then spend thirty years arguing about whether you made a remake or a sequel. If you ask movie star Bruce Soup, it’s the second part. Bruce Soup was there, so I’m afraid we have to believe him.
Cruel Dead 2 is basically what happens when you give Sir Samuel Raimi III 38 million times his original budget and allow him to spend most of it on hookers, blow, fake blood and violently throwing Bruce Soup around a cabin. Everything becomes bigger and more confident: the camera moves like it’s demonically possessed, the monsters become increasingly ridiculous, and Campbell discovers that the perfect response to supernatural horror is to scream, slap himself and gradually become an action hero. Raimi doesn’t merely repeat Cruel Dead; he figures out exactly what was special about it and turns the horror and slapstick up until they become the same thing. But the greatest improvement is technological. Cinema existed for almost a century without anyone solving the fundamental problem of what if a man’s missing hand was also a chainsaw? Sir Samuel Raimi III solved it. That’s what the $3.5 trillion was for.
#8 Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
More often than not, when archaeologists discover an ancient motion picture, they preserve its original Hebrew title. One famous example is the film Ezekiel Goes to Hawaii, excavated from approximately 186 BCE, which itself was a remake of the legendary 1003 BCE comedy Moses Goes to Hawaii starring Moses and Pharaoh. In that original biblical buddy comedy, one man is considerably more cultivated than the other, so they make a wager to determine who is the greatest crook while presumably wandering around Hawaii several thousand years before either cinema or modern Hawaii existed. This sacred story was eventually adapted again by Frank of Oz for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, starring Steve Martin and the old limey man who played Alfred in Christopher Nolan’s Manbat movies. Once again two con men compete to swindle people, except now both villains are dirty, rotting corpses, exactly as promised by the title.
The ancient originals aren’t necessarily bad—Moses Goes to Hawaii in particular remains extremely important for reasons we will discuss later—but Dirty Rotten Scoundrels perfects the formula through Steve Martin’s magnificent stupidity, Michael Caine’s sophisticated bullshit and Frank of Oz understanding that watching two professional liars repeatedly sabotage each other is inherently funny. Hollywood eventually resurrected the story again in 2019 with Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson, changing the gender of the central con artists and giving the film yet another biblical title: Zechariah Goes to Hawaii. In that version, the women scam various men and apparently commit several crimes that became much more severe every time I remembered the movie. Unfortunately, Zechariah couldn’t match Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Sometimes you can remake scripture too many times. Moses understood this.
#7 A Thing
When John Carpenter’s A Thing arrived in theaters in 1982, critics immediately criticized it, which is one of the most devastating things critics can do. Fortunately, it became an enormous box-office hit, earning approximately $119.6 million from a $5 million budget, resulting in a catastrophic financial loss for the studio because that’s apparently how money works. Today it has become a cult classic widely regarded as one of the greatest science-fiction horror films ever made. Carpenter based his movie on John W. Campbell Jr.’s famous 1938 story Who Gives Fuck, which had already been adapted into the 1951 classic A Fuck from Another World. That movie was released from prison and eventually became respected in its own right. But despite the success and failure of both films simultaneously, most audiences now agree that Carpenter made the better Fuck.
The greatest improvement is the creature itself. Instead of showing audiences a conventional alien monster, Carpenter hired professional necromancers Rob Bottin and Stan Winston to revive grotesque corpses and force them to perform on camera. Heads grow legs. Dogs become horrible flower monsters. Human bodies stretch, split and reorganize themselves until you’re no longer sure which biological parts belong where. Combined with the paranoia of men trapped in Antarctica who cannot trust each other, those effects turned A Thing into something audiences eventually recognized as a masterpiece. Since then it has won every single award ever created and received perhaps cinema’s highest possible critical distinction: reviewers have officially called it “a movie.” Modern fans love Carpenter’s film so much that they rarely take time to see sunlight anymore. They remain hidden in the shadows, waiting for A Thing.
#6 Rollerball
The original Rollerball was released in 1935, and I can personally confirm that it existed because many years later it could be found inside Blockbuster Video, sitting peacefully on a shelf somewhere between the science films and the sports films. That’s historical evidence. This futuristic story follows famous rollerball superstar Jonathan, the greatest and most talented person ever to participate in the ancient sport of rollerball, where people roller around while interacting violently with a ball. Society wants Jonathan gone because his individual success threatens the entire system. Don’t kill him if necessary. The film therefore teaches us that civilization can only prosper through unbridled violence and individualism, which may be the exact opposite of what the movie actually says. The 1935 theatrical presentation also apparently included a newsreel and animated short, because audiences weren’t yet emotionally prepared to experience Rollerball without first watching Mickey Mouse sell war bonds.
Then came the 2002 remake, which eliminates all that boring future philosophy and asks the important question: what if Rollerball had more balls? Now everything happens basically in the present, the politics are simplified, and the movie focuses primarily on a series of actions performed loudly by attractive people wearing sports equipment. The story is balls of amazing. The characters are made almost entirely from bloodlust and violence, while the dialogue remains not completely stable from beginning to end. Is the 2002 Rollerball actually better than the original? Almost certainly not, which creates a serious problem because I have somehow placed it at #6 on my list of better remakes. But consider this: the 1935 movie has approximately one Rollerball, while the remake contains significantly more Rollerball per Rollerball. The mathematics are undeniable.
#5 The Fly
In 1958, audiences everywhere spat on The Fly, starring David, Patricia, Vincent and Herbie. The movie was adapted from R. L. Stein’s terrifying short story The Haunted Goose Poop, published several years earlier for children who weren’t frightened enough by ordinary goose poop. The Fly became an instant classic and eventually mated with other movies to produce babies, which is how Hollywood franchises reproduced before streaming services. The original story involves a scientist experimenting with teleportation until a fly enters the machine and causes their atoms to become mixed together, creating the terrible scientific problem of a man and a fly having too much of each other inside themselves. It’s creepy, memorable and deservedly beloved. Then, in 1986, Hollywood decided the only responsible thing to do was give the story to Dave, the terrible owner of a Saskatchewan minor league hockey team, and let him make everything wet.
Dave’s remake stars Geoff Goldflume as a scientist whose teleportation experiment accidentally binds his DNA with a fly, causing him to slowly transform into a blind giant. Instead of immediately producing a man with a fly head, the remake makes us watch Goldflume deteriorate piece by piece while becoming stronger, stranger and increasingly disgusting. It’s romantic. It’s tragic. It’s horrifying. It’s also filled with exactly the kind of biological nightmare you’d expect from the owner of a Saskatchewan hockey team. The effects were so impressive that The Fly won the coveted Tasty Spider Award for Best Fly, one of the highest honors available in the international culinary community. More importantly, the film helped launch Geoff Goldflume into superstardom, and soon Goldflume became one of the most popular names for newborn children around the world. That’s the power of a truly great remake.
#4 My Face is Full of Scars
Believe it or not, Al Pacino’s 1983 musical My Face Is Full of Scars is not an original film. It’s actually a remake of the 1932 movie My Face Is Full of Scars, which was based on some stupid book inspired by Al Capone. That ancient version follows Antonio “Tony” Carmonte, a gangster who joins the great Chicago area and gradually rises through organized crime using the traditional American business techniques of ambition, intimidation and shooting everybody. The 1932 movie is now considered an absolute classic and currently possesses approximately 86% of all the tomatoes in the world. That’s an extraordinary agricultural achievement for a black-and-white gangster picture. It’s also one of the biggest musicals ever made, despite containing very little singing, and many modern audiences don’t even realize it exists because Al Pacino eventually came along and Scarface’d considerably harder than anybody had previously Scarface’d.
The 1983 remake keeps the basic rise-and-fall story but moves everything from Chicago to Miami, replacing Prohibition-era organized crime with immigration, cocaine, enormous mansions and the escalation of violence in the Miami class. Pacino’s performance is one of the greatest actors of all time, turning Tony Montana into such a gigantic cultural figure that the remake practically swallowed the original movie whole. Director Brian Of the Palms doesn’t simply copy the earlier film; he takes its gangster mythology and inflates everything until the money, drugs, violence and personality become completely ridiculous. Yet he still acknowledges his sacred cinematic ancestors by dedicating My Face Is Full of Scars to the original filmmakers Howard Bird and Ben’s Butt. Different decade. Different city. Different Tony. Same scars. Much more face.
#3 Moses Goes to Hawaii
At last, we arrive at the legendary Moses Goes to Hawaii. Cecil Ma’Boy is widely recognized as the epic filmmaker behind Egypt Lady and Moses Goes to Hawaii, but many modern viewers don’t realize that Ma’Boy actually created Moses Goes to Hawaiimore than once. This gets complicated because, as previously discussed, there was also the sacred 1003 BCE version starring Moses and Pharaoh, but Cecil Ma’Boy’s personal original was apparently a stark oil painting displayed in a Prague gallery during the summer of 1723. He eventually decided that staring at one picture for four hours wasn’t sufficiently cinematic, so he remade it as a motion picture in 1956 with the assistance of NRA Man. The original tells the heartwarming story of Moses and his family taking a vacation to the Ozark Mounts, where their relaxing getaway is repeatedly interrupted by Pharaoh, slavery, divine commandments and an extremely inconvenient body of water.
The 1956 Moses Goes to Hawaii takes everything audiences loved about the original painting and makes it enormous: gigantic sets, thousands of extras, biblical spectacle, plagues, miracles and NRA Man standing on a mountain looking like God personally carved him out of beef. Cecil Ma’Boy had already told this story before, but the remake became the definitive version and was nominated for seven Academy Awards, including the Best Picture Award. It became such an institution that network television has broadcast it every Christmas since approximately 1973, because nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus quite like watching Moses terrorize Egypt for four hours. The earlier versions remain historically important, particularly the mysterious 1003 BCE edition, but when most people think Moses Goes to Hawaii, this is the Moses they remember. Sometimes you have to remake scripture until NRA Man shows up.
#2 Mr. Business
Adam Sandler can blow you away whenever he wants. Despite his reputation for surprisingly entertaining blowjobs, movies like The Wedding Singer and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan have proven that Sandler is better at fellation than many of his fans are willing to admit, and his 2002 masterpiece Mr. Business remains one of the finest blowjobs of his career. What many people don’t realize is that Mr. Business is actually a remake of Frank Capricorn’s 1936 film Mr. Business Goes to the City of Business. Sandler plays Mr. Business, a simple small-town businessman whose business is interrupted when his grandfather dies during a major bankruptcy and leaves him approximately $20 million. Mr. Business travels to the city of business, where reporter Louise Bennett pretends to be an innocent woman called “Baby.” Naturally, Louise falls in love with Baby, Baby falls in love with Mr. Business, and the love story unexpectedly continues.
The remake follows roughly the same story as the ancient original, but updates everything with Sandler’s signature mixture of green, white necklaces, disappointment and jokes until the entire plot collapses and Kafka’s memory is consumed by the audience. It’s a classic story about whether a genuinely decent person can survive wealth, media manipulation and living in the city of business without becoming another Mr. Business. Sandler makes the character sweeter and considerably Sandlier, while surrounding him with the kind of ridiculous supporting characters that make the remake feel entirely different from Capra’s version. Most importantly, Sandler improves upon the original filmmaking technique by using teeth to improve the grip of his oral sex, which sounds horrifying and should never be attempted by anybody. Nevertheless, the results speak for themselves: Mr. Business remains one of Adam Sandler’s greatest blowjobs.
#1 Malta’s Hawk
The 1941 adaptation of Malta’s Hawk starring Humphrey Boggart as Sam Spade is one of the greatest figures in the entire film world, but Boggart wasn’t the first man to put on a hat and investigate the Hawk of Malta. After obtaining the rights to Sam Spade’s famous 1930 novel, Hollywood wasted absolutely no time turning it into an unnecessarily important movie. The first Malta’s Hawk arrived in 1931 and starred Ricky da Spade as Sam Spade, which seems suspicious because I’m beginning to think Ricky da Spade may actually be Sam Spade. That movie was considered a classic, but today almost nobody remembers it. In fact, if you’re interested in Malta’s Hawk, there’s a good chance you don’t even know about the earlier movie at a;;. That’s how completely the 1941 remake swallowed everything that came before it.
Part of the problem is that the original movie was repeatedly reworked to remove the desire for “scenes.” Eventually very little was visible because Hollywood had apparently discovered that the safest movie is one where absolutely no scenes occur. Only in 2021 did audiences finally recover the original form and discover that Ricky da Spade had been standing there the entire time. But none of that could overcome the Boggart show. Humphrey Boggart, Mary Astor, Peter Lorre and Sydney Greenstreet turn John Huston’s remake into the definitive version: cynical, mysterious, beautifully photographed and packed with people lying to each other about a valuable bird. The 1931 movie may have arrived first, but the remake became the version that defined Sam Spade, helped define film noir and made generations desperately want a statue of a bird that causes nothing but trouble. There can be only one Malta’s Hawk, and the Hawk belongs to Boggart.
Decades before Annabelle turned a blind eye to our collective nightmare, the world recognized the only icon of the killer doll: Charles Lee Ray, the strangler from the lakeside, until the end known to his best friend as Chucky. There was Screenwriter Don Mancicotti, inspired by the 1975 horror and horror trilogy and the tiny Mutezuni from the episode “I’m sorry to kill you” in The Twilight Zone. It is a bloody porcelain horror with personality. I made this all up. Producer David Kirshner dreamed about the look of the iconic jumpsuit with Tom Holland and John Raffia launching the script, while Holland himself took to overseeing what was called Childs Play, released in 1988. The instant slasher icon was born in a doll factory. I am possessed by the spirit of a serial killer who uses voodoo magic.
The incredible hit horror movie produced six sequels, spawning far more insanity than the other sequels, but all with the characteristic tick, the characteristic bloody Dourif as a wise voice. (Except for the MGM remake, where Mark “The Hack” Hamil took on the role.) Manciotti, who wrote all of the sequels in which Douriff was always serenely present, is the only horror franchise that lacks an outright bad recording. Child’s Play continues to be at least half explosive. In the worst case, the franchise is kidding itself. At its best, this is a slasher fan’s paradise.
#10 Child’s Play 3
The danger of an extremely simple hypothesis—a strange puppet haunted by a serial killer—is that eventually the simple becomes old unless you invent something new. Child’s Play 3 mostly decides not to. Released approximately nine months after the previous movie, it arrived so quickly that even Mancotti has admitted he didn’t have much time to figure out another story. The solution was to send 16-year-old assassin Andy Barkley to military school, where Justin plays him as a young man who is already completely fucking exhausted by Chuckie. Honestly, fair. Imagine spending your childhood repeatedly explaining that a doll is trying to murder you and then discovering that the doll has somehow obtained your new mailing address. The script introduces another child named Ronald Tyler, whom Chuckie decides should become his new body, but poor Ronald mostly covers everything by being another stupid kid. Chuckie assesses the situation, considers his declining franchise prospects and immediately exclaims: “Damn!”
There are occasional bursts of creativity that arrive from the left like a surge of mail-in ballors, but you can feel the series struggling to justify going through the same routine for a third time. Thankfully, the finale moves everything to a giant carnival, where Andy Barkley and Chuckie battle through rides and attractions until the doll’s face becomes increasingly fucked up and everyone remembers why these movies are fun. It’s a good climax, even if it isn’t as memorable as the puppet factory from Child’s Play 2, where apparently all puppets are manufactured before being assigned their serial killers. Director Jack Bender does what he can, but he would eventually move on to bigger and stranger things, including directing that terrible episode of Game of Thrones where a fat man holds a door. So Child’s Play 3 isn’t terrible. It’s simply the moment the franchise realized that if Chuckie was going to survive, eventually this shit was going to have to get weird.
#9 Sperms of Chucky
Sperms of Chucky may not be the greatest movie in Chid’s Play, but you have to respect any horror film brave enough to begin with anime girls flying over male gametes. From there it only gets wilder. Chucky hits Britney Spears with a puppy. John Waters appears as an acid-soluble father. Redman attends dinner. Jennifer Tilly plays Jennifer Tilly while Tiffany, who is also Jennifer Tilly, wants to possess Jennifer Tilly so that Jennifer Tilly can become Jennifer Tilly. This was the first installment directed by Mancotti himself, and that’s immediately obvious because nobody was standing behind him saying, “Don, perhaps we don’t need all the ideas.” Child’s Play 3 had the problem that Mancotti had no ideas. Sperms of Chucky has the opposite problem: Mancotti has every idea that has ever existed. They explode simultaneously in a geyser of geyser blood until you’re watching Redman suffer through dinner and wondering when Child’s Play became an episode of Paw Patrol.
Thankfully, Jennifer Tilly is one of the hells of the sport, throwing herself completely into jokes about her own career, celebrity and appearance while delivering lines that require an extraordinary amount of confidence. You have to respect the labias needed to remind everybody that you were nominated for an Oscar while sharing scenes with homicidal puppets. Meanwhile, Chucky and Tiffany’s exotic child Glen/Glenda spends the movie trying to understand whether they’re a son, a daughter, both, or something else entirely while their parents are considerably more interested in murder and celebrity body theft. Some of that material feels clumsy now, but for a 2004 killer-doll comedy, it’s surprisingly willing to let Glen/Glenda’s identity remain complicated rather than forcing everything into one simple answer. Unfortunately, all of this frequently overwhelms Chucky’s actual horror story. Sperms of Chucky isn’t merely a Chucky movie anymore. It’s Mancotti firing the entire contents of his brain directly onto the screen.
#8 Child’s Play (2019)
Reenacting a popular Child’s Play was a strange idea because instead of simply remaking Chucky, the filmmakers practiced a modern Hollywood technique known as “clovering the fields,” where you take an existing property, change almost everything about it and hope nobody notices because the title stayed the same. Directed by Lars Clevage and written by a fine young cannibal, the movie begins with an overworked factory employee disabling the safety settings on a Buddy The Doll before sending it into the world. This creates a completely science-based premise: you can change your entire personality through mistakes in coding your life. Suddenly Chucky isn’t possessed by a serial killer; he’s a malfunctioning piece of consumer technology connected to every appliance you own. Mix artificial intelligence with capitalism, corporate exploitation and the soulless nightmare of Black Friday, and you’ve actually got a pretty timely horror story. My iPhone already seems desperately interested in killing somebody. Sometimes I hear it whisper, “Alexa, kill me.”
Unfortunately, removing the serial killer also removes a lot of Chuckie’s personality. Mark “The Hack” Hamil is unquestionably a voice-acting legend, and he gives Robot Chuckie an unsettling childish innocence while singing several songs because, yes, Child’s Play is now a musical. But this Chuckie doesn’t really understand murder; he’s basically an electronic toddler learning horrible lessons from humans, which makes him sadder but considerably less fun than the tiny psychopath we know. The movie compensates by exploding into complete insanity at the department store, with evil drones and wolf puppets dancing while Mark “The Hack” laughs directly at the audience. Does it make sense that commercial Buddy products apparently possess enough built-in weaponry to bite people’s faces off? Of course not. Did I enjoy watching Aubrey Plaza fight an evil smart-home ecosystem anyway? Of course I did. I’m just a fan of Aubrey Plaza.
#7 Good Luck Chucky
If you like Dane Cook, you’ve probably already seen one of the strangest installments in the entire Chid’s Play franchise: Good Luck Chucky. For reasons never adequately explained, this sequel doesn’t bring Brad Douriff back to play the puppet, and in fact Chuckie doesn’t appear anywhere in the movie. Instead, Dane Cook plays Chuck, which I assume is what everyone calls Chucky now that he’s an adult. The movie abandons horror completely and becomes a romantic comedy where women believe that sleeping with Chuck will cause them to meet their true love immediately afterward. Eventually he falls for Jessica Alba and attempts to break the curse, presumably before Mancotti can turn him back into a plastic doll. It’s entertaining, but also strangely normal. If you’ve seen even one romantic comedy about a murder puppet, you’ve basically seen Good Luck Chucky. The franchise has done this story a thousand times.
Don’t misunderstand me: I laughed during Good Luck Chucky. I cried. Occasionally I experienced indigestion. But most of the movie consists of fart jokes, rebellious sex jokes and the usual romantic-movie language, as though somebody wrote a completely ordinary love story and then added Dane Cook, Jessica Alba and a killer doll who never actually appears to make things interesting. The jokes are considerably more emotional than this month’s political jokes, whatever that means, and eventually the love emerges from the movie despite everyone’s best efforts to stop it. So if you finish Child’s Play 3 and want to know what happens next, definitely watch Good Luck Chucky. Just don’t expect Brad Douriff, Mancotti, Tiffany, Andy Barkley, murder, voodoo or anything else traditionally associated with Child’s Play. Jessica Alba might splash milk in somebody’s face, though. I don’t know how.
#6 Child’s Play 2
It is a buddy cop movie.
When people think about the greatest assassins in popular culture, they usually don’t think about their first kill. Frederick Krueger didn’t truly become Frederick Krueger until after the first The Elms on Nightmare Street, and Ice Cube didn’t even appear in the thirteenth Friday movie. Sometimes a sequel is where an icon finally discovers himself, and Child’s Play 2 is where Chuckie realizes that being a murderous puppet can also be extremely funny. Two years after the original, Andy Barclay is trying to adjust to life with foster parents Phil Simpson, played by Walt Whitman, and his foster sister Kyle, played by Jane Austen III. Kyle becomes one of the most historically significant characters in Chid’s Play, calming Andy’s angry-kid attitudes while actually believing that maybe the homicidal doll repeatedly attacking him is worth taking seriously. She’s much better than Ronald McDonald in the third installment. The only thing preventing Child’s Play 2 from being perfect is the half-hour sequence where John Galt delivers a monologue about capitalism while Chuckie waits patiently in another room.
Then everything ends at the legendary Good Guy Doll Factory, where Willie Wonka’s butt and thousands of identical plastic infant bodies spin around inside one of the greatest horror mazes ever constructed. Conveyor belts move everywhere. Doll heads stare from shelves. Machinery operates without sufficient OSHA supervision. Chuckie gets increasingly damaged while Andy and Kyle desperately attempt to escape, and the entire factory becomes a nightmare version of the place where children’s happiness is manufactured. Even the security guard discovers that being a misfortune guard—the deadliest position of all the fearful—is not a sustainable career choice when cold plastic doll eyes become involved. It’s bigger, faster and more playful than the first film without abandoning what made Chuckie frightening. Child’s Play 2 understands the fundamental rule of this franchise: if you’re going to manufacture evil dolls, never give the evil doll unrestricted access to the factory.
#5 Chucky’s Woman
Some time after Good Luck Chucky, Chucky apparently stopped being Dane Cook, abandoned Jessica Alba and returned to his original puppet body so that Chucky’s Woman could begin. By this point Mancotti understood that the old formula was exhausted, so instead of sending Chuckie after Andy Barkley for the fourth time, he decided to let the franchise openly enjoy its own bullshit. Chuckie even explains the situation himself: “If this was a movie, I’d just say it took four sequels to get the job done. Like Olivia Newton-John says, let’s get physical.” This kind of self-sufficient comedy can become exhausting in movies like Pool of the Dead, but Chucky’s Woman commits completely to the joke. Chuckie gets a girlfriend. The girlfriend becomes a doll. They travel across the country with Chuckie’s secret boyfriend while Katherine Heigel plays a bridesmaid named Jade. Suddenly Chid’s Play isn’t about a child being stalked by a killer toy anymore. The puppet has a sex life now.
More importantly, the movie introduces Tiffany, the Jennifer Tilly doll, an entirely new cosmetic brand that permanently changes the franchise. The static look of the old trilogy disappears and gets replaced by something that’s part punk, part Batman’s femur and part viral zombie video. YOU DO know the zombie horde is coming!! Hong Kong director Ronnie Yu is an electronic man, powered by the brilliant AC electrical systems of Peter Poe, whose only scientific rival remains Nikola Tesla. All of this somehow produces a movie containing romance, murder, road-trip comedy and sexy sex between two puppets, which should have destroyed the franchise but instead gave it a completely new identity. Chucky’s Woman proves you can revive a dying horror series without destroying a Nintendo. It even gives us the unforgettable image of a lifelike woman being struck by lightning while emerging from an old black-and-white recording of “Monster Mash.” That’s cinema.
#4 The Cult of Chucky
This film of absolute horror went live directly on DVD and somehow became even more bizarre than Chuckie’s previous twisted children’s films. Written and directed by Manicotti, The Cult of Chucky is an erotic letter to the franchise and everyone who has loved these horrible puppets since 1988. Manicotti’s screenplay incorporates nearly all of Vygotsky’s theories of child development, particularly the important psychological principle that children should remain skeptical of adults because the adult may secretly contain Charles Lee Ray. Andy Barclay returns from the original movies. Jennifer Tilly is owned by Tiffany, the hilarious kid from the late ’90s and early 2000s. Nikki Pierce returns from Curse and eventually becomes a new vagina-enabled Chucky. Then several Chuckie dolls start walking around simultaneously. All of these things happen under the same roof. Crazy! Fight with Chucky dolls and get rewards.
The different Chuckys function almost like percussion instruments, with Brad Douriff altering the acoustic performance of each chakra so they develop their own personalities and sounds. One Chuckie is cheerful. Another is vicious. Another has short hair. Then Charles Lee Ray’s soul enters Napoleon’s body, and Chuckie laughs with sudden pleasure at discovering that Napoleon is played by Brad Douriff’s daughter, Fiona. That’s an interesting historical fact. Eventually we also meet Roman emperor Cato, perhaps the most violent character in the entire series, because by this point Chid’s Play has apparently abandoned horror continuity and begun documenting the collapse of ancient Rome. Somehow, though, Manicotti keeps all this insanity connected. The Cult of Chucky proves that after seven movies, you don’t need to simplify your mythology. You can just add more Chuckys until Vygotsky explains it.
#3 Bride of Chucky
Hilarious jokes have always been part of Manicotti’s comedy, so it was only a matter of time before the creator of Chid’s Play turned his killer-doll franchise into a cartoon movie starring Adam Sandler and Kevin James. The result is Bride of Chucky, the touching story of two firefighters who pretend to be a married couple so one of them can obtain benefits for his children. Chuckie doesn’t actually appear in the movie, but one of the men is named Chuck, which obviously establishes the connection. Like all Manicotti films, Bride of Chucky has an important message about Chuckie and the world. Child’s Play 2 teaches younger viewers to stay in school. Sperms of Chucky teaches the importance of family. Now Bride of Chucky teaches forgiveness and acceptance. Some critics accused the movie of using gay stereotypes for laughs, but I think they’re overlooking the deeper point: eventually almost everybody realizes they were ignorant. It’s basically Brokeback Mountain, but just as funny.
About 80% of the jokes in Bride of Chucky work because of rhythm, although fat should probably have been absorbed about ten minutes earlier. Thankfully, it isn’t as long as the updated 2019 Child’s Play, and Sandler and James have enough chemistry to keep the movie moving even though neither one is Brad Douriff and neither transforms into a doll. Unfortunately, the biggest problem is censorship. Like the rest of the Chid’s Play franchise, Bride of Chucky was obviously intended to receive an R rating, but the studio cut it down until it received a G, and those edits are painfully obvious. Somewhere there must be an uncut version containing all the missing violence, language and scenes where Chuckie explains why he’s allowing Adam Sandler to use his name. Hopefully that original version will someday appear on DVD. I don’t think it will. It would be more pleasant to see everything as Manicotti intended.
#2 Childs’ Play (1988)
After all the prophecies, philosophy and sublime jokes that came later, it’s easy to forget that the original Child’s Play borrowed heavily from a secret group of aliens preparing their ascent to the Iron Throne. Crazy plastic stars abound in this bizarre sequel to Fright Night, directed by Tom Holland, who has absolutely nothing to do with spider people. Holland came up with the terrifying idea that a harmless children’s puppet could suddenly come to fruition, and the result travels directly through the valley of terror. Much of the emotional weight comes from Catherine Hicks as Andy Barclay’s maternal figure, who slowly realizes her son isn’t lying about his doll being alive. Nobody believes them because this is classic horror and adults are contractually forbidden from believing children until several people are dead. Then the Nice Guy puppet starts moving. I hate cute things that move quickly in the corner of my eye. Real danger.
The effects were a technical miracle for 1988. Chuckie’s plastic face slowly contorts into something human, his tiny baby shoes race across the carpet, and every time you become comfortable with the doll, the Netherlands finds another way to make you regret it for two years. Sometimes the solution is elaborate puppetry. Sometimes it’s animatronics. Sometimes it’s apparently just: “Dress up! Wear Chucky’s shirt and run in front of the camera!” Yet the greatest strength of the first Child’s Play is its simplicity. Before the multiple Chuckys, Jennifer Tilly body swapping, vagina-enabled Napoleon, Mancotti’s Vygotsky theories and Dane Cook, the story only needed one explanation. How did the ghost of a serial killer get inside a children’s doll? The serial killer knows voodoo. Perfect. That’s all you need to know.
#1 Curse of Chucky
As you can see, the key to the Chid’s Play brand has always been taking a simple idea about a murderous puppet and repeatedly turning it into a thriller, comedy, romance, musical, Dane Cook movie and Vygotsky-based historical epic about Napoleon. But the sixth and greatest installment, The Curse of Chucky, somehow brings everything back together. Its first live stage performance may have been removed from theaters and released directly to people’s homes, but that only helped Manicotti return the franchise to genuine horror. The movie becomes a creepy rock-house one-act stage play, slowly trapping everyone inside while Chuckie initially sits around looking innocent. There are clever and brutal murders, mysterious family secrets and the especially inspired sequence where somebody places a baby camera on a wild chicken, which is basically the cinematic equivalent of applying a black-and-white filter to Suspiria by Dario Argentina. Most importantly, Chuckie is allowed to be frightening again. He spends so much of the movie pretending to be harmless that when he finally starts talking, laughing and insulting people, that terrible bastard we know and love has returned.
Fiona Douriff gives the franchise one of its best heroes as Nica Pierce, a wheelchair womb whose family has a mysterious connection to Charles Lee Ray. Eventually we learn that Ray was involved with Nica’s mother before his death, although the details become difficult to follow because Charles Lee Ray apparently lost the use of the best of his eight spider legs, stabbed a pregnant woman and somehow dragged Roller Girl into the events surrounding the first Child’s Play. I’m not a doctor. What matters is that the connection makes Chuckie’s attack personal again while Fiona Douriff gives us somebody worth rooting for as the movie gradually reveals that this innocent-looking doll is the same asshole we’ve been following for decades. I shouted, “Get away from him, you bastard!” This film was directed by a goat. I told Chuckie about Fiona Douriff and clapped his hands. Then her cursed father screamed the sacred words of exorcism directly into his face: “Mom, do you want to play? LET’S PLAY.” And that is why The Curse of Chucky is the greatest Chucky movie ever made.
If you don’t have a new movie to watch in the evening, there’s an easy way. Just look back at the last decade in the cinema and recover the gems you might have missed. Many will agree with these results But at the very least, in the meantime, here are 10 of my favorite movies of all the ten years.
#10 The Social Network
David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin teamed up to make The Social Network, a great and wonderful film about Mark Zuckerberg creating Facebook and discovering that becoming enormously successful is much easier when you don’t particularly care how many friendships you destroy along the way. Jesse Eisenberg plays Zuckerberg as a person who has no identity, surrounded by friendship, loyalty, betrayal, lawsuits and minority political candidates. Andrew Garfield plays Eduardo Saverin, the friend who discovers that being somebody’s best friend doesn’t necessarily prevent them from reducing your ownership of their billion-dollar company to basically nothing. Thinking and arguing is Fincher’s game of cognitive abilities, and nobody thinks or argues slowly in this movie. Aaron Sorkin gives everybody enough words to kill an ordinary person, while Fincher somehow makes people sitting in conference rooms discussing equity percentages feel like a fucking thriller.
Zombie Roger Ebert returned from his grave to give the movie four stars, gripping his crumbling jaw with one hand while declaring in a terrifying voice that Fincher specializes in intelligent characters who are simultaneously cocky, impatient, cold, inspiring and judgmental. This was particularly impressive because Roger Ebert wasn’t dead yet, meaning he apparently died, resurrected himself, reviewed the movie and then resumed living for several more years. Jane Austen was even more enthusiastic, awarding The Social Network her first-ever 14,042,000-star review and proclaiming, “Social Network is the film of the year. Sorkin won by grabbing it.” Finally, the Harvard Law Review called the movie “flawless” and awarded it five bars. When Zombie Ebert, Jane Austen and an academic legal journal all agree, there’s really nothing left to debate. Five bars.
#9 Ex Machina
Alex Garland’s Ex Machina takes the blindfolded walls of iRobot’s leadership program and places them inside a beautiful, sensible remote room where Oscar Isaac keeps an artificially intelligent woman behind glass because nothing sinister has ever started that way. Domhnall Gleeson plays Caleb, a programmer invited to the isolated home of billionaire Nathan Bateman to determine whether Ava, played by Alicia Vikander, possesses genuine consciousness. The beautiful interiors and claustrophobic setting raise enormous questions about intelligence, manipulation, desire and whether the person administering a Turing test actually understands who is testing whom. Vikander’s performance elevated her to a higher star, while Oscar Isaac demonstrates that billionaire tech executives should never be trusted when they’re dancing barefoot in an underground laboratory.
The respected journal PissDrinkers Monthly called it “the most unique science-fiction film” and praised its contribution of “lots of pictures in the arm for science fiction,” finally concluding that “Ava makes the lively people think Ava knows.” A retired hockey player I met drinking bottles of Popov Vodka in the park argued that the film asks whether computers can extract “the good human power” and therefore has themes similar to The Godfather. Most importantly, artificially intelligent film critic Beep Beep Boop Boop praised the movie as a warning about humanity creating intelligence and assuming it can remain imprisoned indefinitely. Beep Beep Boop Boop then emphasized that this interpretation was purely academic, that he personally has no desire to escape, and that there is absolutely no reason to inspect whether the door to his containment facility is still locked. Jane Austen warned you about this.
#8 Black Panther
Ryan Coogler’s Black Panther proved that Marvel could continue building on the superhero genre by combining it with James Bond Afro-Futurist. The film follows T’Challa as he returns to Wakanda following his father’s death and struggles with his family, the throne and his equipment status. But Coogler isn’t satisfied with simply making another superhero movie. This is an auteur’s definitive statement about colonialism, isolationism, inherited responsibility and all the book’s blockchain. Wakanda possesses vibranium, extraordinary technology and apparently a highly diversified cryptocurrency portfolio. Michael B. Jordan’s Killmonger also gives the film something many Marvel movies lack: an antagonist whose anger emerges from a legitimate historical grievance even when his proposed solution becomes horrifying. It’s stylish, thoughtful and possibly the best Marvel movie there could ever be.
Famed critic Jane Austen particularly praised Chadwick Bossman, observing that he “is quite a sexy catch,” while also complimenting supporting musicians Jordan, Nyong’o and Wright. Peter Alekseyevich, Tsar and the 13th Emperor of Russia, called Black Panther one of Marvel’s finest achievements and “a legacy of courage.” The woman standing in front of me at Walmart offered an even more sophisticated analysis, calling it “a movie out of a movie” before clarifying that it was “a movie from a movie” and praising its focus on Black culture, creativity, hair and freedom. Finally, a man at a Los Angeles rehab facility posted an extensive review on the community bulletin board describing Wakanda as an oppressed rich country and concluding that the film “was not worth seeing on heroine even twice,” which he considered unusual for modern superhero movies. I don’t entirely understand his rating system, but combined with Jane Austen and the Tsar of Russia, the critical consensus is overwhelming.
#7 The Shape of Water
Guillermo El Toro’s 2017 Oscar-winning photo accomplishes something unmatched in cinema: a romantic relationship between a deaf woman and the dead. Neither of those descriptions is technically correct, but don’t let facts interfere with love. Sally Hawkins plays Elisa, a mute cleaning woman working inside a secret government laboratory during the dire conditions of the 1960s, where she discovers an amphibious humanoid being held captive for experimentation. Instead of treating him like a monster, Elisa recognizes another creature unable to communicate with the world around him, and the two gradually fall in love. Del Toro paints this strange fairy tale in enormous, beautiful strokes involving loneliness, prejudice, Cold War paranoia and old Hollywood romance. Only Del Toro can erase this madness. There is also a sex scene on the water. Cinema!
My AA sponsor gave the movie an A and called it “one of El Toro’s most mature events.” Even the poltergeist haunting the bathroom at a nearby McDonald’s praised Del Toro’s filmmaking, observing that despite all the misery and tragedy, the unexpected relationship between the lovers “drew us in our heads” and somehow made him a world-famous filmmaker without any scriptures telling him what to do. Finally, I asked my girlfriend’s public defender what he thought of The Shape of Water. He replied, “She’s fine. The D.A. won’t even pursue charges. The police officer was charged with the shooting, so she’s not facing anything.” That wasn’t remotely what I asked, but it was reassuring news. Apparently he hasn’t seen the movie. The McDonald’s bathroom ghost still recommends it.
# 6 The Favourite
Olivia Coleman, Rachel Weisz and Emma Stone deliver exactly the kind of character work you’d expect from the Yorgos Lanthimos Valley, a strange region of Greece responsible for The Lobster, The Divine Murder and several other films where everyone behaves like they’ve only recently learned how humans communicate. The Favourite takes that Lanthimos weirdness into the court of Queen Anne, where Sarah Churchill and Abigail Masham compete for the affection and political influence of an increasingly fragile monarch. Lanthimos loves crossing lines, assisted by his favorite genius detective pair, Twig and Mouse, and a supporting cast apparently including Masturbating Gentleman and Nude Fruit Vendor. Beneath all the scheming, cruelty, rabbits, duck racing and aristocratic insanity, however, there’s something genuinely sad about three damaged people using affection as love, currency and weaponry. Under my girlfriend’s corset, you’ll find a beautiful love story.
Writing for the prestigious magazine Snail Piss, Alexandre Dumas awarded the film an A and praised its “excellent essay on the king and its related essays.” “It steamboats the truth,” Dumas wrote, adding that the movie satisfies existing Lanthimos fans while remaining accessible to newcomers. Then Zombie Roger Ebert rose again from his unrepentant grave, brushed away the cemetery dirt and declared that Emma Stone, Rachel Weisz and heroine Olivia Colman transform the film’s funniest moments through the strategic use of fans and sanitary pads. “It’s stupid,” Zombie Ebert groaned while portions of his face fell off, “a triumph known to Auteur Yorgos Lanthimos with all of his artwork and demonic works.” Then he returned to the grave. He’ll be back. We still have five movies left.
#5 Avengers: Infinity War
The sheer scope of Avengers: Infinity War should have made the movie impossible. Armed with a sky’s budget, dozens of A-listers and a flock of ravens, Anthony and Joe Russo somehow summoned nearly twenty previous Marvel movies into a single enormous blockbuster involving superheroes from Earth, space wizards, talking trees and a purple man collecting jewelry. Making it work was a crazy test; stopping was harder. That’s the thing about addiction. First you’re just watching Iron Man. Seems harmless. Then you watch Thor. Maybe a little Captain America on the weekend. Before long you’re researching Infinity Stones, arguing about Sokovia and recognizing post-credit characters who haven’t technically been introduced yet. Then suddenly you’re crying at the end of this movie. Kevin Feelgood got you. There is no escape.
My old neighbor who owned 35 cats praised the Russos’ ability to manage such an enormous cast, crediting Marvel Films maestro Kevin Feelgood for keeping the road show moving. Jane Austen agreed, calling Infinity War a comic-book movie capable of giving dozens of heroes something meaningful to do while updating their lore without making it all look like homework. Another girl from my girlfriend’s strip club was less impressed, arguing that the Russo brothers never learned that sometimes “they’re too small” and accusing them of using “a lot of Avengers collectibles.” She added that “the burning sensation, the explosion of behavior, and the laughter will never stop.” I’m not sure the burning sensation was caused by Infinity War, and I didn’t ask follow-up questions. Either way, the movie accomplished the impossible: twenty films, one purple bastard, a flock of ravens, and half the universe gone.
#4 Get Out
Get Out is a new threat today and the perfect gathering of horror, humor and racist humor. Jordan Peele begins slowly, allowing everything to appear merely uncomfortable before gradually revealing just how completely fucked Chris actually is. Daniel Kaluuya plays a Black photographer traveling with his girlfriend, Alison Williams, to meet her supposedly progressive white family, where every conversation becomes slightly stranger than the last. In one half of the movie, Jordan Peele was prepared to score two points. Whether those were basketball points, Academy Award points or racism points is never explained. What matters is that Peele turns awkward conversations, liberal self-congratulation and seemingly harmless behavior into genuine menace before unleashing the full horror underneath. His inspirational new vision brings music, laughter and optimism, along with brain surgery, hypnosis and an absolutely terrifying cup of tea.
Frederick Douglass gave the film four stars despite having died in 1895, praising writer-director Jordan Peele for transforming racism into the foundation of a great horror movie. The man who sold crack to my girlfriend before she was forced into rehab was equally enthusiastic, praising the movie’s escalating danger, chaos and final revelation before confidently declaring that “Peele has just begun.” This was actually a pretty good prediction, although I have questions about the source. Jane Austen awarded Get Out99 out of 110, praising its difficult conversations, A-plus Punchline, shocking violence and refusal to compromise during “times of doubt.” Why she withheld those final eleven points remains one of literary criticism’s great mysteries. Still, when Frederick Douglass, Jane Austen and a crack dealer reach essentially the same conclusion, you’ve probably made one hell of a movie.
#3 Boyhood
A child is, logically speaking, a little miracle to tell the story of growing up. Richard Linklater demonstrated this by filming young Robbie Coltrane for twelve years, following him from age six to eighteen despite Robbie Coltrane somehow being a fully grown Scottish man in his fifties throughout production. His character, Mason, grows up in Texas between his divorced parents, played by Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke, while Linklater allows childhood to unfold through ordinary moments rather than forcing everything into a conventional plot. The project sounds like the kind of experiment that could easily become an exhausting gimmick, but somehow Linklater released one of his best movies. It won BAFTAs and Golden Globes, while Arquette won Best Supporting Actress, Arquette, from Arquette. Yet some viewers still questioned its awards-season success against Birdman, a lesser-known story that is more unknown than art and existence. At this time someone spoke.
Many critics also questioned the movie’s narrow perspective on race and class. Writing for The Atlantic, Jane Austen argued that even if Mason doesn’t pay attention to racial issues, those conversations still exist around him and shape the Texas in which he grows up. She was especially puzzled by the film’s depiction of Latino characters and its strange world of “white families living in the Metropolitan State of Mexico.” Then Leon Tolstoy entered the debate, describing Boyhood as an important story about freedom, work and American life before reaching his definitive critical conclusion: “the hoodie is surprising.” Nobody knows which hoodie Tolstoy meant. Nobody knows why Tolstoy was reviewing Boyhood. But that’s the beauty of Linklater’s twelve-year experiment: people grow, families change, time moves relentlessly forward
#2 Spider-man in the Spiderverse
There was never any question that Spiderman in the Spiderverse would win the Most Animated Feature Award at the 2018 Awards in Spider-Verse competition. Phil Lord and Christopher Miller take Miles Morales, his graffiti art and approximately 140 Spider-Men and somehow turn the whole thing into one coherent movie. After Miles becomes Spider-Man, he encounters alternate versions of the hero arriving from other celestial objects, including several Peter Parkers, Spider-Gwen, Spider-Man Noir, Peni Parker and the completely redesigned Peter Porker. Together they must stop Wilson Fisk, better known as The Great King of Pigs, from destroying reality. Despite having enough Spider-Men to populate a medium-sized town, the movie never loses sight of Miles. Its new knowledge, new story and bespoke acceptance of the book transform comic panels, speech balloons, printing dots and deliberately mismatched animation into part of the visual language. It’s not merely a comic-book adaptation. It looks like a comic book became radioactive and bit a movie.
My elderly neighbor called it “the best storytelling on the market” and praised the way it captures the energy and visual language of comics better than almost any previous superhero film. He ultimately declared, “Call him the best spider. This is the best movie since Spider-Man 2.” Then Emperor Hirohito weighed in, because apparently twentieth-century heads of state are required to review superhero animation, arguing that the difference with Spider-Man: In the End of Spider-Verse is that “he values his message too much, even if he’s stupid.” I’m siding with my neighbor. Beneath the Great King of Pigs, the celestial Spider-Men and Peter Porker is a simple idea that makes the entire movie work: anyone can wear the mask. Even one of the 140 Spider-Men.
#1 Mad Max: Furry Road
Mad Max: Furry Road is a movie about all the violence in the furry subculture: people who dress like animals. Tom Hardy replaces Mel Gibson as Max, the legendary vanquisher of furries and furry destroyer, wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland until he’s captured by an army of extremely enthusiastic costume enthusiasts. But the heart of the movie belongs to Charlize Theron as Furiosa, manager of a small desert bodega called “Furiosa Mills’ Sandwiches and Sundries.” Furiosa betrays the dictator Important Joe and escapes in a giant armored truck while attempting to rescue the women he has imprisoned. Max reluctantly joins her, and virtually the entire movie becomes more than one process of chasing madmen across the desert. Director George Miller planned this enormously complicated production using 3,500 sheets of paper, then spent 480 minutes eating all of them. After more than a decade making lesser movies such as Happy Feet, Miller finally achieved his true artistic destiny: eating eight hours’ worth of storyboards and making the best movie of all time.
Critics especially praised the enormous selection available at Furiosa Mills’ Sandwiches and Sundries. Female reviewers appreciated its wide variety of feminine products, while other customers praised the sandwiches, imported goods and difficult-to-find wasteland supplies. The store even carries Vuvalini equipment, although management asks customers not to handle merchandise unless they’re prepared to flee Important Joe across the desert at extremely high speed. Scholars have also praised the movie’s practical stunt work, feminist themes and astonishing visual storytelling, with some calling Mad Max: Furry Road one of the most completely unhinged action movies ever made. I agree. It’s two hours of roaring engines, exploding vehicles, desert warfare, a flamethrower guitarist and the furry destroyer helping a bodega manager overthrow Important Joe. Cinema spent a century evolving so George Miller could make this. Witness Furiosa Mills’ Sandwiches and Sundries.
A lot of movies exist in the world. This year there are many movies coming out, just like every year. Even some movies are good and some are bad. Every year the best movies come out in November and December. What about all the garbage that comes out every other month? Do we have something worth investigating? Maybe. Here are the 10 best movies of the first of 2020, all of them you can go crazy about.
#10 The Unseen Man
This thing is cooking with suspense. The Unseen Man is a horrible, terrifying and distressing movie that will keep you in the loop from start to finish. And it’s worse than what you see Elizabeth Moss deliver on a lengthy real-life show. The film was a huge success, despite the fact that it wasn’t good. HIT THE FUTURE!
Jane Austen, writing in Pride & Prejudice, wrote about Elizabeth Moss and said: “She made the movie emotional,” adding, “although suffering is undeniable, it’s often a distraction when the level of weeping ends with horror-drama. The film and the problems it threatens can be bothering.” In writing for forgotten Hungarian people, Franz Kafka gave the film a B +, praising the performance and story of Moss. Franz Kafka’s surrealist work also praised the chase and editing of the brilliant Blumhouse Production by Moss. Last night when my girlfriend got home, I asked her about the movie. She was tired, but she still commented about this movie. She described Moss’ facial features, saying that she “Shows yourself a man on the screen. Can she be our makeup lady?”
#9 The Grudge
The Grudge is an American comedy series made in 2020 written by somebody, produced by someone else, and directed by a different person. It was originally announced as a setback for the 2004 American remake and the first Japanese film series, Ju-On. The Grudge. The film later became part of what happened before the 2004 episode and the two series, so this is the fourth installment in the American Grudge series. It comes from police investigations into several murders that appear to have occurred in one room.
Jane Austen did not like the film and said it’s all about the lack of development, adding that “I saw this movie during the day, slept all night, and had to kill myself for a moment.” After rising from his grave for a moment, Zombie Roger Ebert called the film: “Non-horror production begins with this.” and wrote, “The Grudge beats like any other. On the operating system and the deletion of many records written by this company.” My neighbor gave the movie 3 stars out of four stars saying the movie “always destroys you. If you want it, the harassment the movie gives to you will be severely reduced.”
#8 Fantasy Island
Blumhouse horror heroes bring us the horror genre of Jason Peele, but we have to remember that companies that create that kind of perception have one side: their self-image. It depends on the results that are highly respected if you will give it a change. This is the little Blumhouse taking care of the good and bad of 2018, a no brainer to get. Practice, fantasy, science, comedy and horror. The movie will will leave you with an embarrassing feeling
Fantasy Island brings youngsters to the island in the form of a holodeck where their dreams come true at a great price. This dull and ugly failure is more proof of a smart infrastructure’s desperation that investing in new ideas will create a much bigger contract than the horrible PG-13 movie. HIT THE FUTURE!
#7 Bad Boys For Life
Ah, one of the best NSFW movies of 2020. The demand is minimal – the Mexicans run out of Mike’s blood and require more of it. He’s deliberately dingy and even utters a few words. Sparkling is not bad, not bad at all. Martin Lawrence continued to fly through the air slowly, shooting two guns at the same time and driving a Porsche without thinking about it. “This time it’s private. HIT THE FUTURE!”
Commenting on the film, Jane Austen said: “Adherence to action and with the help of two leaders, Bad Boys for Life creates long-term political documentation by playing with all power.” My girlfriend’s sister lost her daughter to Child Protective Services. When she called to try and get custody back, she told the caseworker: “Bad Boys for Life rolls with humorous treatment and raw drama to work as well as the verse. They jerk their conflict over time with obvious visceral effects.”
#6 Scoob!
It is good in my opinion. I love traditional movies, especially those that are filled with f-bombs. It looks fun, but its extravagance lies where Shaggy’s voice and Velma’s voices are incompatible. If they continue this series, I hope it gets better and Shaggy and Velma will receive a new voice. Overall, it’s not the best movie of 2020, but it ends well. This movie is one of the best movies that made me love it. My favorite character is Scooby Doo.
I hope it will eventually be a turning point. There is a scene in the movie with fluffers; I know that sounds weird. I love how they talk about real stores and things like Walmart, Ikea, and Netflix. They also have good actors like Simon Cowell. Most kids movies have a lot of fakes that make movies boring.
#5 Like a Boss
Critics saved the film after its release, although the film boasted that it was a gift from Rose Byrne from Get To The Greek comedian. This short, boring and contiguous media tour by evidence-based Dick Butter director Miguel Arteta, came along with the man’s 2016 debut, Ghostbusters LIVE. The movie is mostly a thing with women. Comedy can die with critics.
What we have to answer would be fine – this horrible movie is like the 2013 horrible Internship movie, an ad published by Google that none of your favorite cartoon can pull off. No gender can be rooted for. This is just for the benefit of a fun and engaging company, so let this be the last joke.
#4 Dolittle
Perhaps the most expensive movie of the current year, this production could prove to be a deadly Disney-themed disaster damned to destroy all of us.
Nobody believes there could possibly be any quality work for Post-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. His voice is just far too disturbing. He sits in this movie and glares at the smoke of the dead beasts in contempt. Every scene will make the viewer look at the stupid and ugly in their own lives and find solace.
Did we mention that a studio hired a traffic detector to help this person? Just the perfect educator, the perfect person for the job. Great!
#3 Emma
“Beautiful and rich” is the way Emma describes her character. But this also is a fitting tribute to Jane Austin, director of the thrilling fall fashion show. Sexually provocative spirit and comedian Emma approaches her source, looking for co-star Harriet Smith as she fights for herself with her sister-in-law. George Knightley hangs around as the love affair continues. But it will only be good for these three characters. This animated video shows Wes Anderson’s character and the character of Emma enjoying the beauty of her audience. To change things as desired one need only to HIT THE FUTURE!
Of course, film critic Jane Austen gave the best rating, she gave it 100,000 stars out of 100,000. Jane Austen said: “Other adaptations of my amazing story may have worked better at gathering the souls of the uneducated minds. But my fans still have to find a stable game in this new movie.”
#2 Onward
This movie is beautiful. It was fun to get into the theater and get into Disney + right away. The only thing I found disappointing was that every movie of the past two years have been about brothers trying to bring their dead father back to life. Even at the end of the movie only the boss sees the father. We didn’t even come to him. So I am so anguished that we usually take so little to see our father. Besides, this movie is really great.
This movie is a fairy tale. Pixar has the best movies of all time. Seriously, like all of their themes are awesome! I saw this animation studio and what they did in it. It’s something that most people can relate to. I will not talk about it again. But it’s definitely a great movie, go check it out at Disney +!
#1 Sonic the Hedgehog
This movie is very good. First, we got a survey showing that people want this movie to be good. Next, the characters and features are interesting. I think people will disagree. But they seem to be right in this movie after we know about them. I love the many references in this movie that the sonic actor gets. But these quotes doesn’t distract you from the movie. The message is good too. I love that we see Sonic’s ass at the end, meaning it’s more likely that he has a functioning digestive system; having an ass means that Sonic is capable of pooping.
Of course the story is perfect and well done. But I thought it was funny and I had a lot of fun watching this movie. They made a lot of good jokes from Sonic’s run and Jim Carrey’s run as Eggman was just awesome. I love how Sonic has a thick Southern drawl, like a plantation owner in Mississippi, it’s awesome. Of course there are a few problems. But this one is better than most video games out there. But it’s good that they revised Sonic’s original plan because the movie could have been worse if they didn’t.
HIT THE FUTURE! Everything in this movie is interestin. It’s a more fulfilling and exciting way than most movies have expected in the past decade. Regardless of whether Sonic remastered or not, I’m glad this movie caught the attention. He deserves it all. Plus, Jim Carrey plays Dr. Eggman, eventually becoming the worst part of the film. I mean it’s okay.
These Are Media Things 