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  • The Top 10 Worst Years in History

    The Top 10 Worst Years in History

    [Joe, make sure that you type text here to introduce your list. I’ll be home early from work tonight and make dinner for you and the kids. I love you!]

    #10 1347

    All flee from the dreaded Bonedor

    1347 was one of the worst years in human history because that’s when the Black Death really started fucking everybody up. The streets filled with corpses, entire communities disappeared and nobody understood why people were suddenly developing horrible bubonics and dying. Today scientists blame fleas, rats and bacteria, but people who were actually alive in 1347 knew the truth: Bonedor had arrived. Bonedor was an enormous skeleton approximately 250 meters tall who stomped across Europe spreading disease with his magical powers. Nobody knows where Bonedor came from. He simply appeared one morning on the horizon, pointed one gigantic skeletal finger toward civilization and said “FOLLOW ME.” Then he said “GO.” Those were basically the only two things Bonedor knew how to say, but when you’re a 250-meter plague skeleton you don’t need an extensive vocabulary.

    Bonedor wandered from country to country casting his evil bubonics upon anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path. Historians estimate that more than 60 percent of Europe eventually died from Bonedor’s miraculous bubonics, although modern scholars continue trying to give all the credit to rats. Typical. Nobody wants to acknowledge the giant skeleton. Eventually Bonedor disappeared as mysteriously as he arrived, leaving behind millions of dead people and several centuries of unresolved skeleton-related trauma. But 1347 wasn’t only terrible for Europe. It was also an absolutely horrible year for America because America didn’t exist yet. Not one American. Not even a Walmart. Fucking bleak.

    #9 1929

    Unless you’ve stood freezing in the street with your entire family, no money, no food, anemia, pneumonia and several additional diseases while somehow being unable to see anyone’s face, you don’t have the right to tell me 1929 wasn’t one of the worst years in history. This was the beginning of The Big Sad, and they didn’t call it that because everyone was having a wonderful fucking time. The stock market crashed and suddenly all the money disappeared. Where did the money go? Nobody knows. America had money on Monday. Then some businessmen started screaming inside a building and by Tuesday everybody was poor. People lost their jobs, their homes and their food. Thousands of Americans were forced to stand in lines waiting for bread because apparently bread was extremely difficult to locate during The Big Sad.

    I can’t even imagine how modern people would respond to The Big Sad. We got dangerously close in 2008 when the economy broke again because somebody put too many houses inside the banks, but thankfully we managed to avoid everybody getting pneumonia and losing the ability to see faces. People today simply don’t understand how much suffering humanity endured during 1929. There was no money. There were no jobs. Everyone was cold. The sadness was enormous. Even worse, television had barely been invented, so people couldn’t sit at home watching Netflix while the economy collapsed. They just had to stare at a wall and experience The Big Sad directly.

    #8 2001

    ITunes was launched on January 9, 2001. NEVER FORGET!

    I was a young Kontributor back then, and I remember 2000 being one of the greatest years of my life. We were kicking ass and wrecking vaginas. My family went to Hawaii. I had sex with ten people during Carnival in Rio de Janeiro and returned home carrying several exciting diseases. My father invented the car, which finally gave our family some financial security. Everything was going perfectly until 2001, when Apple released iTunes and civilization immediately began to collapse. My grandmother had already survived Napster and was still traumatized from the experience, but iTunes was different. Suddenly music lived inside computers. Nobody understood what the fuck was happening. Then a son of a whore named Henry Ford stole my father’s car patent, and everything really started going downhill.

    My German Shepherd attacked a kindergarten class. My brother, his friend and my father’s secret girlfriend all went to prison after poisoning a homeless man. Then my fucking dog betrayed me again by attacking the children’s kindergarten, which I already mentioned but remain extremely angry about. I spent Halloween alone because none of my friends wanted to see me. Thanksgiving was even worse. Mom spent the entire day screaming at the computer because iTunes wouldn’t let her download Turkey Dinner, so nobody ate much. Then at Christmas, Grandma was listening to her iPod and fell down the stairs. By December 31, my father’s automotive empire was gone, half my family was incarcerated, Grandma had been defeated by digital music and I no longer trusted my dog around educational facilities. 2001 passed, and my life was ruined

    #7 536

    I’m still extremely disappointed about the recent White Lotus incident, but scientists and historians generally agree that 536 was much worse. A massive volcanic eruption filled the atmosphere with so much garbage that the sun basically stopped working for a year and a half. Crops failed. Temperatures dropped. People starved. Then the Yersinia plague showed up because apparently God looked down at humanity struggling through an eighteen-month volcanic winter and said, “Fuck these people some more.” Historians have called 536 the worst year to be alive, which is saying something considering these people know about 1347 and The Big Sad. Imagine waking up every morning, looking at a darkened sky and realizing that nobody has invented electricity, antibiotics, central heating or America yet. Absolutely terrible.

    More importantly, 536 was the year the Illuminati held their first official meeting, gathering secretly beneath Rome to sing songs and praise Bonedor the Terrible. Pope Silverius became involved with the organization and attempted to summon Bonedor during the Great Gothic War, hoping the enormous skeleton would help the Federation defeat the Ostrogoths. The ritual worked. Bonedor emerged from the darkness, shouted “GO,” and immediately killed King Theodahad along with all his soldiers. Unfortunately, summoning a gigantic magical skeleton was considered inappropriate papal behavior, so Silverius was excommunicated from the papacy and banished to a secret island where he eventually starved to death. This is why modern popes rarely summon Bonedor

    #6 2014

    This is not my Dora! Who the fuck are these children of Bonedor?!

    Where the fuck do I even start with 2014? Ebola. Flight 370. Anaconda. Time cancellation. Robin Williams died. The Bone Wars began. Sonic the Hedgehog: Rise of Yiff. Taylor Swift’s War Against Northern Aggression. More wars. Dora and Friends debuted on Nickelodeon. Joe Cocker was going around kicking these dogs. No ALF on television. Somebody tied up the president and ate that paper. The final Ramone bit the dust. Five armies. Bastards. Frozen results. Uncle Grandpa was still on the air. And somehow Modern Family sucked enough dicks to win another Grammy. Every morning you’d wake up thinking, “Surely history has finished happening for a little while,” and history would kick open your bedroom door carrying another fucking disaster. Then Dora and her horrible friends would come on television.

    This was easily one of the worst years of my life. ISIS began attacking people, celebrities kept dying, music sucked and video games were boring except for Naked Girls Soccer, which deserved Game of the Year. Personally, I was being bullied at work, my boss was terrible, and I spent most of the year living inside a two-story construction site while an extension was being added to my house. Then, at the end of December, Grandma fell down the stairs while listening to her iPod AGAIN. Thirteen years after iTunes first attacked my family, that little machine was still trying to finish the fucking job. Grandma survived, but I confiscated the iPod. Looking back, 2014 was truly a year of ups and downs. Mostly Grandma going down.

    #5 2017

    2017 was the worst year of my life. That’s why.

    1. My dog died.
    2. I had to change the oil in my car once, but I forgot to change the oil in my car.
    3. Too many boxes.
    4. Many famous people died, including Dan Rickles.
    5. Somewhere a storm was blowing.
    6. My sister shattered her knee during a fight with Bonedor the Terrible.
    7. The cat had surgery.
    8. Something bad was happening.
    9. My younger brother lost both of his feet.
    10. My entire family was forced to fight Bonedor after what he did to my sister.
    11. The Emoji Movie.
    12. Donald Trump was not a kind president.
    13. My grandmother heard the sound of her iPod and immediately fell down the stairs.
    14. Many bus drivers were late.
    15. My girlfriend had typhus for a while.

    I don’t know how we survived. Between the dead dog, the missing feet, the boxes, the typhus, the late buses and our family’s increasingly violent conflict with a 250-meter magical skeleton, every month brought some new catastrophe. Grandma’s incident was particularly frustrating because by 2017 she had already fallen down the stairs because of her iPod multiple fucking times. Grandma, stop listening to the iPod near stairs. We’ve discussed this. Still, nothing captures the misery of 2017 quite like sitting beside my injured sister after her battle with Bonedor, wondering whether my brother would ever adjust to life without feet, only to remember that The Emoji Movie also existed. I’m so glad 2017 is over. I never want to be hurt like that again.

    #4 1914

    Hello again! I hope we meet again!

    Some people think a year deserves to be called “the worst” because television sucked or education was bad, but that defeats the entire fucking purpose of this list. Then you get to 1914, when one of the Austrian elite got shot and Europe responded by making everybody go to war. World War I eventually killed approximately 72 billion people, making it so deadly that humanity had to reproduce extremely quickly afterward just to get the population back above zero. And what did civilization receive in exchange for all that suffering? Basically nothing except a special League of Gentlemen where important men could sit around a table and promise not to do another world war. That worked wonderfully. There has never been another world war since.

    Imagine being some ordinary person in 1914. You’re minding your own business, trying to enjoy whatever people did before television, when suddenly an Austrian gets shot and now you have to live in a fucking hole. Your new home is a muddy trench filled with disease, artillery explosions and the droppings of thousands of rats. Maybe you get shot. Maybe you get bombed. Maybe somebody releases poison gas and your lungs stop working. Maybe you simply starve or become so exhausted that your body gives up. And if you somehow survive all of that, congratulations: you get to go home carrying psychological trauma nobody around you understands and spend the rest of your life remembering the hole. Absolutely horrific. There were also flu patients this year.

    #3 65,000,000 BC

    Run my dudes!

    65,000,000 BC was a terrible fucking year to be a dinosaur. A giant comet slammed into Earth and immediately caused the largest earthquake and tsunami in history. The atmosphere caught fire. Acid started raining from the sky. Much of the ozone layer disappeared, allowing ultraviolet radiation to pour onto the surface and give cancer to all the dinosaurs. Then, at almost exactly the same time, a gigantic volcano erupted on the opposite side of the planet because apparently Earth wanted to make absolutely certain the dinosaurs understood they were no longer welcome. Poison filled the atmosphere. The planet burned. Then all the smoke and dirt blocked out the sun, temperatures dropped below freezing and an atomic winter began. Imagine being a dinosaur trying to process this shit. You survive the comet, outrun the tsunami, avoid the fire, somehow don’t get dinosaur cancer, and then suddenly there’s no fucking sun anymore.

    Frankly, 65,000,000 BC ranks as the second-worst year in non-human history, surpassed only by 252,000,000 BC, when all life became extinct. Both years were probably a million times worse than 1939, when the Second Bonedor War began, or 1350, during the horrors of Plague Sex. Still, I feel particularly bad for the dinosaurs because they had no idea any of this was coming. There was no television meteorologist saying, “Tomorrow will be partly cloudy with a 90 percent chance of total planetary extinction.” One minute you’re eating leaves and having dinosaur thoughts; the next minute the sky explodes and your entire species gets cancer. That’s a bad year.

    #2 1350

    Historians refer to 1350 as the height of Plague Sex, a terrible period when approximately 99 percent of the world’s population was fucking. Nobody knows why. Maybe everyone assumed they were going to die anyway. Maybe medieval people were bored. Maybe there simply wasn’t much else to do in 1350. Whatever the reason, everybody was fucking while the Black Death simultaneously killed three-fifths of Europe. Imagine watching your friends and family develop a horrible infection, have sex and then die. Then somebody else develops the plague and immediately starts fucking. Everyone is sick. Everyone is fucking. Everyone is dying. This is Plague Sex. This is the greatest hell humanity has ever created for itself.

    Nothing good happened in 1350. Medieval Europe had terrible sanitation, rampant disease, low life expectancy and the constant fear that Bonedor might return at any moment and cast more evil bubonics. People were already losing their minds from the plague, but then many began going crazy from too much sex. Some were fucking while dying from the plague. Others were dying while recovering from fucking. Nobody could keep track anymore. Eventually historians just looked at the records and wrote “PLAGUE SEX” across the entire year. That’s how bad 1350 was. People will make pornography about almost anything, but nobody wants to make porn about Plague Sex because it’s too fucking gross.

    #1 1939

    The War Against Bonedor

    1939 was the worst year in history because it marked the beginning of the Second War Against Bonedor, a brutal global conflict that lasted from 1939 until 1945 and claimed approximately three trillion lives. Bonedor the Terrible returned from centuries of hiding with an enormous army and immediately began attacking Europe, forcing almost every major nation on Earth to unite against the 250-meter skeleton. The fighting spread across the entire planet. Cities were destroyed. Families were separated. Justin Bieber was killed. Gravity Falls was cancelled. Millions suffered under Bonedor’s occupation while his followers committed unimaginable atrocities in his name. Eventually conventional weapons proved useless, and humanity was forced to deploy two nuclear bombs against Bonedor’s army before the giant skeleton finally disappeared. Whether Bonedor was actually destroyed remains one of history’s greatest unanswered questions.

    And apparently nobody fucking learns about this anymore! Grow up and read a BuzzFeed article. I constantly hear people complaining that some recent year was “the worst year ever” because celebrities died or television sucked. Are you serious? Did a 250-meter magical skeleton wage global war against humanity that year? Did it take two fucking nuclear weapons to defeat him? No? Then shut the fuck up. People desperately need to educate themselves about the Bonedor Wars because history has already shown us what happens when humanity forgets. Bonedor has returned before. He can return again. And when that enormous skeleton appears on the horizon, points one gigantic finger toward civilization and whispers “FOLLOW ME,” don’t come crying to me. I told you to read the BuzzFeed articles.

  • The Top 10 Worst Things That Happened to Me in 2022

    The Top 10 Worst Things That Happened to Me in 2022

    Is it too late to say what I want to do in 2022? It’s not Halloween yet. But I don’t think anything else will happen. The pace of life is fast. My friend Ferris once said that. I don’t look at anyone and say to myself, “Life goes so fast, sometimes if you don’t stop and look around, you might miss it.” He’s crazy.

    Anyway, here are some of my favorite things to happen in 2022.

    #10 Killing Jeff

    He is existing!

    Killing Jeff was the first thing I did in 2022, and boy was it a crazy choice. My fiancée was dancing at the strip club when it happened, which worried me because I almost never leave her alone in case she starts breastfeeding. Everyone around me kept acting like I was insane because apparently nobody could see or hear Jeff. “Kontributor! Nobody’s there!” they screamed. “Jeff isn’t a real name!” That’s when I started panicking. If Jeff wasn’t real, then who had I been arguing with for forty-five minutes? I grabbed my knife and attacked Jeff while horrified bystanders shouted, “KONTRIBUTOR! DON’T PIERCE THE AIR!” Eventually three angry dogs arrived and pulled me away, presumably because they were the only qualified mental-health professionals in the building. Nobody touched Jeff’s body. Nobody called an ambulance. His body was still right there. I could see it. Jeff knew what he did.

    After killing Jeff, I went home and tried to put the entire experience behind me. I turned on the children’s television, sat down with my fiancée and suckled her left nipple for approximately one hour while contemplating everything that had gone wrong. She didn’t ask about Jeff. Nobody asks about Jeff. That’s probably for the best, because the more you think about Jeff, the more irritating the entire situation becomes. Was Jeff real? Did I kill him? Why couldn’t anybody see his body? Why did three angry dogs have jurisdiction over the situation? And most importantly, how can Jeff not be a real name when I’ve personally met several Jeffs? Eventually I decided to stop thinking about it. Killing Jeff was easily one of the ten worst things to happen to me in 2022. I hope 2023 has fewer Jeffs.

    #9 Drowning Ben 10

    My copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance wasn’t an ordinary video game cartridge. It was The Avatar of the Void. This was unfortunate because it was also my favorite game. The cartridge would laugh at me while I cried, watch me while I slept and fill me with the terrifying certainty that one day I would simply cease to exist. Even worse, my fiancee became jealous of my relationship with my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance. She said I was spending too much time with it. I told her she didn’t understand what we had together. She pointed out that it was a Gameboy cartridge. Things became tense. Eventually I realized that the Avatar of the Void had left me lonely, hopeless and trapped, and there was only one solution: I had to drown Ben 10.

    So I carried my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance to the shores of Lake Superior, the same sacred waters where my laughing mermaid mother eventually returned to the sea. I stood at the shoreline, held the cartridge one final time and remembered all our adventures together. Then I screamed goodbye and hurled The Avatar of the Void into the lake. I miss my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance every day, but my apartment is fine now, and sometimes survival requires sacrifice. As I watched the cartridge disappear beneath the waves, my fiancee gently took my hand. I thought she was comforting me. Then she threw me into Lake Superior. When I surfaced, she was smiling. She was proud of me. Ben 10 was gone. The Void was defeated. I was finally free and extremely wet.

    #8 I Met the Slender Man

    You must see the butt

    Shortly after drowning my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance, I encountered a skinny guy in the woods near Bridgeport, Michigan. He was extremely tall and thin, with tentacles as long as his arms and huge sexy eyes, which is strange because I’m pretty sure Slender Man doesn’t have eyes. He stared at me and said something about vomiting. Then he whispered, “Turn around.” Instead, he turned around and revealed the most perfectly sculpted bubble butt I have ever seen on a paranormal entity. He stood there silently for several seconds before lifting one impossibly long leg and saying, “Come on, big boy. I know you want it.” I did not want it. I screamed, grabbed my fiancée and ran exactly three miles back to the car. We immediately spent the rest of the week hiding in the basement of a secret military base. Every few minutes I looked out the basement window to make sure the skinny guy wasn’t following us. Secret military bases apparently have basement windows.

    My fiancée is terrified of Slender Man because she claims he kept watching her while she slept, and honestly I think I’ve seen him too, which is a strange thing to say after I just described an entire conversation with him in the woods. One morning she found a scratch on her hand, so naturally I concluded that Slender Man had infiltrated the military base, entered our bedroom and scratched her before escaping undetected. Haha! He thinks he’s great! But Slender Man doesn’t get by on a pretty face. He has no fucking face. I even took photographs that felt extremely real to me, although I won’t explain what “felt real” means for a photograph. Apparently he’s based on an old myth, which makes the whole thing even more intriguing despite that being completely incorrect. Anyway, this was one of the worst things that happened to me in 2022. This is nothing.

    #7 The Russian Bed I Slept In

    After killing Jeff, I decided it would be wise to hide in Russia for a week, despite the fact that nobody except me believed Jeff existed and therefore nobody was actually looking for me. That’s where I encountered The Russian Bed. This was the first bed I slept in after Jeff, and from the moment my body touched that mattress I knew something was horribly wrong. I was traumatized. Terrified. Goosebumps covered my body. The psychological horror was unlike anything I’d previously experienced, and the disgusting twist nearly broke my stomach. What was the twist? I don’t know. Nothing visibly happened. It was just a bed. But somehow this creepy Russian bed pushed me to the absolute brink of survival. Every night I climbed beneath the blankets knowing there was a very real possibility that I might have to sleep there again.

    This is the worst bed in Russia and possibly the worst bed in the world. It must be eliminated. At one point the bed plunged me into a deafening silence, which was especially frightening because that’s normally what beds are supposed to do. I lay completely still, surrounded by darkness, listening to absolutely nothing while the Russian Bed continued being a bed underneath me. Pure terror. Pure evil. The absolute definition of studs and horror. I survived Jeff. I survived The Avatar of the Void. I survived Slender Man’s bubble butt. But nothing prepared me for this mattress. If you’re ever in Russia and someone offers you the opportunity to sleep in this absolutely disgusting Russian bed, I have only one piece of advice: don’t sleep. You must stay awake.

    #6 Squidward’s Suicide by Cop

    You cannot eat outside food or drink inside the club

    Several people at my fiancée’s strip club witnessed Squidward’s Suicide by Cop, and if you don’t understand what happened, my fiancée explained it to me afterward. She said the night began normally, which apparently means a man dressed as Squidward was sitting in a strip club watching her dance. During the next performance she was making out with another dancer dressed as SpongeBob while the audience cheered, but Squidward just stared at them with very real eyes. The SpongeBob girl recognized the customer underneath the costume and said he wasn’t acting like himself. Then everything changed. The man became frightening, rushed toward the stage with a knife, and police who had arrived at the club shot him before he reached the performers. According to my fiancée, “These things happened very fast.” That’s probably the most sensible sentence anybody will say in this entire list.

    I was there too, and afterward I couldn’t properly understand what I’d witnessed. The screams, the gunshots, the blood, the dead Squidward—my brain apparently decided it was easier to process the whole nightmare as a lost episode of SpongeBob SquarePants than acknowledge that there had been an actual person inside the costume. What happened to him? Had Squidward never dealt with tits before? Was he finally sick of being kind? Was it cold? Was she afraid of the dark? None of those questions make any sense, but neither did watching Squidward attack SpongeBob at a strip club while police rushed toward Bikini Bottom. Whatever happened that night, I stopped thinking of Squidward as a cartoon character for a while. Those eyes were too real.

    #5 Jack Gave Me His Eyes

    Where to start… Jack was the afternoon bartender at my fiancée’s strip club, and his life was already difficult before the eye situation. He hated working weekday afternoons because nobody was there, he barely made any money, and one terrible shift he was somehow forced to crap himself. I never learned who forced him or how this was accomplished. Honestly, I felt terrible for Jack. We cried together several times. His mentality suits me best. He had become a creature he didn’t want to be, trapped behind a bar serving three-dollar beers at two o’clock on a Tuesday, and I understood that kind of despair. Then one afternoon Jack stared directly at me for absolutely no reason and gave me his eyes. Just handed them over. No explanation. No ceremony. Nothing. This was the exact moment I realized that perhaps I did not understand Jack as well as I thought.

    The part that bothers me most isn’t even that Jack gave me his eyes. It’s that he put them in his mouth for a really long time first. Why, Jack? What did that accomplish? Why did they have to go in your mouth? Why did you give them to me? I stood there holding Jack’s eyes while Jack silently walked out of the strip club without saying another word. I assumed that was the last we’d ever see of him, but no—he still works there. He came back for his next scheduled afternoon shift and apparently management decided that losing both eyes wasn’t sufficient reason to modify the rota. Everyone calls him Eyeless Jack now, or E.J. for short, and otherwise treats him exactly the same. He still doesn’t make any money. He still hates weekday afternoons. The only major difference is that Jack doesn’t look at me anymore.

    #4 Raking the Yard

    Ce qu’elle a dit, ce soir-là. Réalisant mon espoir.
    Je me lance vers la gloire, okay.

    Last month I went to my girlfriend’s parents’ house in upstate New York to rake their yard for five dollars. They stayed comfortably inside drinking warm coffee while I was sent outside with a rake, a trash bag and approximately nine billion leaves. This was the hardest thing I had to do all year. Before raking any yard, you need to prepare properly. Lock the doors. Keep children away. Most importantly, don’t let the rake see how messy the yard is, because rakes are extremely shy and may refuse to work if confronted with too many leaves at once. Approach slowly. Make reassuring noises so the rake knows it isn’t alone. Remember that a rake is naturally weak and frequently misses leaves, so keep a longer and slightly faster yard tool nearby to establish dominance. Never allow the rake to sense fear. It can smell hesitation.

    If the rake refuses to accept a leaf, yell at it. If yelling doesn’t work, threaten it with a broom. If the broom fails, introduce a leaf blower and make it extremely clear that the rake can be replaced. Eventually I was screaming in my girlfriend’s parents’ yard while attacking piles of leaves with every harmless gardening implement I could find, as her family calmly drank coffee and watched me through the window. At one point I became convinced the rake was looking at me, so I temporarily blinded its single rake eye with a gardening glove and used the distraction to gather several leaves into a bag. The rake later scratched my car. Of course it did. That’s what rakes do when humiliated. I earned my five dollars, but I learned an important lesson: never wait until late September to begin raking your yard.

    #3 I Watched a Mouse Die

    This was one of the strangest things I witnessed all year because it immediately made me wonder what would happen if Mickey Mouse contemplated suicide. Weirdly enough, that’s not even a completely new idea. Back when Mickey was appearing in newspaper comics, there was an incredibly dark storyline where he believed he’d lost Minnie and repeatedly tried to end his own life, with each attempt failing in increasingly ridiculous ways. Imagine being an actual mouse in 1930 and opening the newspaper to see the most successful mouse in the world has lost the will to live. That comic must have devastated mouse morale internationally. Thousands of mice probably stared silently into the distance and wondered, “If Mickey can’t make it, what chance do I have?” Disney has never adequately investigated the psychological effect this had on the global rodent population.

    But the mouse I personally saw die was genuinely frightening. At first he was simply walking around while listening to classical music through extremely tiny mouse-sized AirPods. I don’t know where he bought them. This continued for exactly six minutes. Then the mouse stopped, made a tiny squeak that became progressively louder, and suddenly looked horribly wrong—his eyes went pale, his teeth looked strange, and for a moment he resembled some terrible little monster. Then he collapsed and died. I immediately decided he must have poisoned himself somehow, despite having absolutely no evidence and no veterinary qualifications whatsoever. Maybe he’d eaten something toxic. Maybe he was sick. Maybe those AirPods weren’t properly certified for rodents. I will never know. All I know is that I watched a mouse listen to classical music for six minutes and then die, and somehow I blame Walt Disney.

    #2 My Pen Pal Stopped Talking to Me

    the beginning of a letter to a very far friend

    This was the only thing that made me cry all year. My pen pal had been writing to me since I was ten, but his final letter gave me nightmares for months because he was so angry. First, he called me rude and immature. Then he explained that he was probably not a ghost, because there is no convincing scientific evidence for supernatural entities such as Ghost Rakes or Slendermen. I disagreed based on extensive personal experience, but apparently that wasn’t the point. He said he was also disappointed that I’d spent years pretending to love Iron Man 3 as much as he did. Finally, he wrote the sentence that destroyed our friendship: “I am a real person with real life problems. It is an illusion to think I’m just a talking piece of paper.” I couldn’t believe it. For years I’d assumed my letters were communicating directly with the paper itself. Apparently there had been a fucking person on the other end the entire time.

    Then he stopped writing, and that’s when he tapped into my greatest fear: the unknown. You never know what’s staring through your bedroom window. You don’t know what’s hiding in the bushes. You don’t know whether your pen pal is a ghost, a piece of paper, or simply a guy who got tired of hearing your incorrect opinions about Iron Man 3. He lied to my friends, my family and somehow my pets. Where are you going? All I had to do was turn around and realize that the power of love had been inside me the entire time, but by then it was too late. That’s the terrifying thing about life: until the day you exhale your final breath, you can never completely know what dangers surround you—or when someone you’ve loved since childhood will suddenly reveal that he isn’t stationery.

    #1 I Lost my copy of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters for the NES

    Godzilla: Monster of Monsters was the third video game I ever played, and it remains the greatest video game ever created. Much better than Ben 10 on the Game Boy Advance. From the time I was five years old until May 2022, there are countless photographs of me playing Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on the NES. I played it almost every day. The graphics were believable, the gameplay was incredible, the music wasn’t very good, and Godzilla was simultaneously a pathetic protagonist, a wonderful role model and extremely sexy. The story about a boy battling demons while being haunted by his dead girlfriend affected me deeply, even though I’m beginning to suspect that isn’t actually the story of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters. Then one day my NES cartridge decided to run away from me. I searched everywhere. Nothing. I don’t understand why it chose to leave after everything we’d been through together. Where is Godzilla on the NES? Are you happy?

    I’ve tried accepting that Godzilla: Monster of Monsters is gone and may never come back, but losing it was easily the worst thing that happened to me in 2022. Worse than killing Jeff. Worse than drowning Ben 10. Worse than Slender Man’s bubble butt. Worse than the Russian Bed. Worse than Eyeless Jack handing me his eyes. All of those wounds eventually healed, but sometimes I still look toward the empty place where my cartridge used to be and wonder whether Godzilla ever thinks about me. Maybe he found another NES. Maybe another family appreciates his beautifully crafted story and sexy pathetic protagonist. Maybe leaving me was the only way he could finally become happy. Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES, I miss you. Wherever you are, I hope you can find the happiness you want.

  • The Top 10 Saddest Songs

    The Top 10 Saddest Songs

    Not all songs are as bright and happy as “Everyone Wants to Rule the World”. Not all songs are great lyrical masterpieces such as Cardi B’s “Wet Butt Cat.” In fact, some of the songs are very sad. They calm your mind and make you cry. These are the saddest songs that have ever existed.

    #10 Stairs to Heaven – Led Zepplin

    This song saddens me, but very much excites me. I love it! This is one of the best rock songs ever. And the lyrics are very passionate! Looking at the live version, Robert, the lead singer, says, “I think this is exactly the song I want.” Then the famous guitar riff hums and the crowd screams loudly. And the live version is great too. However, this song is sad because overall it is so beautiful. I think I’ll vote for this. It’s about the nature of life and how precious life itself is! In my opinion, The Stairs to Heaven is one of the greatest works of Led Zeppelin and one of the greatest songs of all time.

    I don’t know why it is on this list. How can you turn this into a sad song? And if you listen with great enthusiasm, the song will finally come to you: be rock, not roll! Stairs is probably the most powerful rock ‘n’ roll song in history. The whole package is ready. I remember listening to radio stations playing it for several years in a row. There is a good reason for this.

    #9 Creep – Radiohead

    I like this song. Creep is also beautiful in the sense that everyone around you is living an ideal life and feels like literally angels compared to the rotten smelling me. .. definitely. It’s also one of the most depressing songs I’ve ever heard. And then one day everyone heard it. Best song to write (or drink).

    But the title of the song is rather sad …
    You are so special
    I wish it were special
    But I’m disgusted

    #8 Fade to Black – Metallica

    This song is a great work. This very meaningful song is one of Metallica’s most soothing songs. But it’s nice to play the guitar in the verse. Not to mention the beautiful ending. When I first heard this song, I really wanted to learn its intro, and I thought it was really cool. After a few days of preparation, I got it. It made me cry a little and James’s young voice sounded nice. I am surprised that he is not one of the top 10 performers of all time. I have to write that list because I have to give it to him.

    This is one of my favorite songs. The opening turns your mood into sadness, and when the lyrics start you start to lose hope, and if you’re feeling suicidal, this song is really for you, but the hope of you make it worse (in my opinion). I like this song!

    #7 Stan – Eminem

    Eminem is essentially written by fans of Eminem’s artist Stan. He can actually mention Eminem in the first sentence. As the song progressed, he became increasingly frustrated, naming his daughter after one of Eminem’s songs and talking about Uncle Ronnie, whom Bonnie didn’t like at all. In the second sentence, Eminem is a bit crazy to think that he is mistaking everything because he receives so many emails from fans every week, but he doesn’t reply to his fans. While Eminem fans have a cold-blooded fan, Stan gets angry when Eminem isn’t hugging his brother. At the end of the second sentence, Stan threatens to cease to be a fan of Eminem if he doesn’t respond. It was an empty threat because he loved him so deeply. However, this shows that Stan is ready to take action if he does not receive a call in advance of the consequences. In the end, he lost her medication.

    In the third sentence, he begins to see Eminem as an enemy. He got even more angry … he recorded it on tape and said he was still doing what Eminem did: drive 90 on the highway, “I drank a fifth of the wine. Do you dare take me? ” He said his shame helped him. Let’s do this. Then, before the screams, Stan says he doesn’t like her and in a stupid moment realizes that he can’t do anything stupid. Back to the car on the riverbed, after that, hearing the sound and the tire popping, it wasn’t long before the rays of sunlight disappeared. He explained exactly what happened to Stan. He said the post was not sent to anyone, but the writer called it Stan.

    It’s a great song, but Eminem expresses the fans’ feelings that make it feel like he’s singing for me, for you … all for our loved ones. Bands and artists who want to live with you write so strongly that no one has written such a thing in the past 28 years. Eminem is a rap gospel, but the lyrics are the most important. Because of illness, no one thought of writing. I heard about metal, Eminem might be the god of rap, but he’s a metal like hell. This song contains all kinds of emotions and I want to cover them like hell. It is an emotional creation.

    #6 Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd

    Definitely the best. This song is about the cult started by ex-Pink Floyd guitarist Sid Barrett. At the time, he was alive as if Sid were dead. His brain was dead from all the psychedelic drugs he was taking, and he was clinically abnormal. He lived the rest of his life in his mother’s basement by law. Very sad.

    How I want
    I want you to stay here
    We are two lost souls floating in a bowl of fish
    Year after year
    Run on the same old land
    What have you found?
    The same old fear
    Wish you Were Here

    I thought I was sad before I found out what the song was … Then I realized what it was and it was sad. It just looks empty.

    #5 Yesterday – The Beatles

    To be honest, I don’t think this song is as sad as people say. Listen to Julia if you want., Elenor Rigby or even a very sad Beatles song. I Want to Hold Your Hand is one of the saddest songs for me. John Lennon knows he is going to die and writes a song to say goodbye to his fans. Emotions are heard in his voice. If there is anything that can break your heart, it is nostalgia. Nostalgia is a very important topic and a big difference from a damn love song. Too much.

    Let’s write in stone that the Beatles are one of the rock bands that have shaped the hearts of today through lyrics and songs. “Yesterday” can be heard forever. It is so simple and so simple that it evokes so much emotion. The texts are not intended for one person, but for the one who regretted something in life.

    #4 My Immortal – Evanesence

    I’m often saddened by the fact that this movie of this song has been together for a long time and now I lose it and can’t get it back. When someone dies, I will never see them again, and I am very sad. If you’ve said something really important, don’t look again. If you want to apologize for something you did wrong, tell them something special. What if it was a family member or your child? I couldn’t apologize for what happened, I couldn’t say anything special I wanted to say to them. You may not have said goodbye to your family. It was your child who hurt you because you couldn’t live longer than yourself, try new things, and develop fully. Thanks to a lot of TV shows, I know that now, and I’ve lost most of my family listening to that kind of music. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn’t. Both my mother, father, and sister make me happy again, because we as a family never want to lose them.

    I first heard this song on the radio. It became my favorite song, and the line “Don’t waste time” will stay in my memory forever. I cried when it came out on the radio – I was so young. The phrase “don’t waste time” stuck in my heart for a lifetime, and I couldn’t remember the name of the singer or song until I got to know Google. Thank you for making my day, Google.

    #3 Wake Me Up After September – Green Day

    Green Day is my favorite rock band. I remember listening to this song for the first time before work started in the morning. I probably acted like when I was in 1st grade when my girlfriend switched her TV to MTV Hits. Then I listened to this song for the first time. It’s small, but I don’t know what it means, but I love it. After that, I always hope to turn on MTV and play the video. But MTV doesn’t do that anymore. Today, I understand the true meaning of this song and I love it even more because it’s so interesting. Every time I listen to this song in September, I think of September 11th … one of the best days ever. I love it! Rub!

    Maybe you’re on “Green Day”, but if you think it was a love song, you’ve heard a word but didn’t understand it or posted it on social media on October 1st. I used to scream, “I raised Billy,” ignoring the 10-year-old Billy Joe Armstrong. He locked her in her room and said, “Wake me up from September.” Respect this person as an idol.

    #2 Hurt Johnny Cash – Nine Inch Nails

    In fact, extreme emotion is surprisingly ineffective. Instead, there is a calmness of numbness. Trent Reznner sees Johnny Cash as a fake person who lives a fake life, lying in what is called society, so the only way to know if emotions exist is figuratively or literall feel hurts. Johnny Cash creates artificial happiness that mixes with society and drugs that make you happy when you shouldn’t. So he needs to be offended. At least he used a heroin. His old voice and cruelty inflicted a long moment of natural wounds on him. He cannot erase what happened in the past. He once had problems with these drugs. He wants to make up for lost heart because of his broken heart and give his wife everything he can. Because of these bad decisions, his fame is not important. He wants to warn them, he does it! Hurt them! Johnny Cash is completely worthless. If he gets a second chance, he will try again and become pure and perfect as a human being.

    Johnny Cash is insane, but when he asks Trent Reznor not to harm him, his voice cracks as if he’s about to cry. When he sings about regret, Trent Reznor hates him and turns it into something that can hurt him and everyone around him, it adds meaning to the song. This can lead to people with mental illness to doing something unforgivable like listening to Johnny Cash. Lyrics have power and meaning, so you can connect with people of all sizes.

  • The Top 10 Names I Will Give My Child

    The Top 10 Names I Will Give My Child

    My girlfriend will have a child The child must have a name. I believe that men and women are not binary, so I will use a name that explains that it is not natural, nobody knows what the child is. I have compiled my decisions with the top ten names. My girlfriend will not have the option to title the spawn. Her only job is to expel the child from the womb. What name should my first child have?

    #10 Foot

    “Hello! My name is Foot!” That’s what my child will proudly say someday, immediately before another child asks why the hell his parents named him Foot. But there’s a deeper meaning behind the name. Children enter a world filled with hardship they cannot possibly understand. Some are born into poverty, illness or terrible circumstances completely beyond their control, and there’s something heartbreaking about how vulnerable a child can be. Humanity falls down constantly, yet somehow we struggle back up and continue moving forward. And what do we use to stand back up? A foot. That’s right. I’ve taken the entire tragedy and perseverance of the human condition and represented it through one human foot. Suddenly the name doesn’t sound stupid anymore. It sounds incredibly important.

    Also, Foot is just a strong name. Imagine introducing him at every stage of life. “This is my baby, Foot.” “Foot starts kindergarten tomorrow.” “Congratulations to Foot on graduating from medical school.” Eventually he’ll become Dr. Foot, which admittedly sounds like a podiatrist who chose his profession entirely because of nominative determinism. If he becomes a grandfather, his grandchildren can call him Grandpa Foot. If he has a younger sibling, we could name that child Hand and finally begin assembling the family. Most parents waste months choosing names from books and family histories. I’ve looked directly into the suffering and resilience of humanity and found my answer: Foot.

    #9 Pinchy

    I know someone three different people named Pinchy. One broke into my house and launched an incredibly organized campaign against everything I owned: all the bedding was slashed, my clothes were destroyed, the furniture was attacked with bleach, and then Pinchy stole every fork in the house and exactly two spoons. I still don’t understand the spoon situation. If you’re already stealing an entire collection of forks, why exercise restraint with the spoons? Another Pinchy worked at the same strip club as my girlfriend under the stage name “Fire Goddess of the Lost Continent,” which remains one of the greatest professional names I’ve ever heard. Unfortunately, the Fire Goddess kept stealing anything that wasn’t nailed down, got fired, ended up owing restitution, and eventually became pregnant. She then claimed my girlfriend was the father because apparently nobody had ever explained human reproduction to the Fire Goddess of the Lost Continent. She called a talk show about it. Nobody cared.

    Now, based on those stories, you might think Pinchy is a cursed name. Not true! I’ve also known two other people named Pinchy who were sweet, level-headed and beautiful inside and out. Wait. I said I’ve known three Pinchys. I’ve now described at least four, possibly five. There are too many Pinchys. I don’t know where they’re coming from. Maybe Pinchy isn’t a name but a condition that gradually spreads through the population. Either way, I think it would make a wonderful name for a child. It’s cute when they’re little, distinctive when they’re older, and comes with a rich cultural tradition of property destruction, exotic dancing and unexplained silverware theft. Foot and Pinchy. My family is coming together beautifully.

    #8 Piles of Bacteria

    Umm, to the person who feels bad for people named “Piles of Bacteria”… I DO NOT AGREE WITH YOU. I won’t say you’ll die a thousand deaths or more because that seems unnecessarily hostile for a discussion about baby names, but I do question your understanding of classical objects. Bacteria is a classical object. This name also honors my family heritage. My mother’s name was Virus Pile, while my father was E. Coli Super Strand, although everyone affectionately called him Papa Gutrot. Even my second-best friend is named Sweet Cholera. Why should these people be pitied? They have memorable names. Nobody meets Papa Gutrot at a party and forgets him five minutes later. Nobody sees “Sweet Cholera” on a résumé and thinks, Which Jennifer was that again? These are names with presence.

    Bacteria themselves are also remarkably resilient. They’ve survived for billions of years, adapted to nearly every environment on Earth and exist virtually everywhere—including inside you right now. That’s the kind of perseverance I want my child to represent. Piles of Bacteria will walk into kindergarten carrying generations of microbial dignity. And by the way, people are actually jealous of me and my fashion sense. Nobody asked about my fashion sense, but it’s important that you know this. People call me mean. People call bacteria mean. It’s probably because they don’t understand either of us. Or they’re jealous. Mostly jealous. So welcome to the family, Piles of Bacteria. Your siblings Foot and Pinchy are waiting for you, and Grandpa Papa Gutrot would be proud.

    #7 Hashtag

    I met a girl not too long ago named Hashtag, and she was not a particularly friendly child. Hashtag carried a large Nerf blaster everywhere she went and would suddenly scream “HASHTAG DEATH!” before firing foam darts around the room. Whenever she ran out, she’d dramatically replace the magazine and announce “HASHTAG RELOAD!” so everybody knew exactly what was happening. Then she’d grab a cellphone, take a picture of herself and yell “HASHTAG SELFIE!” Hashtag never performed an action quietly. Eating lunch? “HASHTAG SANDWICH!” Going outside? “HASHTAG PLAYGROUND!” Fell down? “HASHTAG INJURY!” Needed the bathroom? Unfortunately, yes, she announced that one too. Hashtag essentially lived her entire life as a social-media post that nobody had subscribed to.

    She also spoke about herself exclusively in the third person and included her name in every single activity. When adults tried to calm her down: “HASHTAG OPPRESSION!” When she arrived at school: “HASHTAG EDUCATION!” When somebody took away the Nerf blaster: “HASHTAG INJUSTICE!” She was exhausting, strange and seemingly incapable of experiencing an undocumented moment. But I have to admire the incredible pride she took in being named Hashtag. Most children eventually become embarrassed by an unusual name. Hashtag turned hers into an entire fucking philosophy. That’s why I’d consider giving the name to my own child. At least I’d always know what they’re doing. Foot! Pinchy! Piles of Bacteria! HASHTAG FAMILY!

    #6 Car Bomb

    Car Bomb is a beautiful name of ancient Celtic origin. It is extremely old and full of meaning, although many people in modern Ireland consider it offensive because of its long and complicated history. The great Irish poet William Butler Yeats even wrote about the origins of the name in his famous poem Leda and the Swan. Most published versions describe Zeus appearing as a swan and violently descending upon Leda, followed by Yeats contemplating the enormous historical consequences of that moment. Scholars generally stop there. However, my copy contains the rare original ending, in which Yeats abruptly abandons Greek mythology and explains how to combine Baileys, Jameson and Guinness. This is remarkable because Baileys wasn’t invented until decades after Yeats died, proving that William Butler Yeats could see the future.

    Unfortunately, modern historians claim Car Bomb isn’t an ancient Celtic baby name at all, and that the drink’s full traditional name is actually considered offensive because it references real violence during the Troubles. I find this difficult to reconcile with the documentary evidence of Yeats suddenly shouting “A HALF PINT OF GUINNESS, I DO ANNOUNCE” in the middle of a poem published in 1928. Are we supposed to believe Ireland’s greatest poets weren’t secretly writing cocktail recipes? Ridiculous. Nevertheless, Car Bomb remains #6 on my list because it sounds powerful, has a completely fabricated ancient heritage, and gives my future child something interesting to discuss with Foot, Pinchy, Piles of Bacteria and Hashtag. Just don’t ask an actual Irish historian to verify any of this.

    #5 Mayonnaise

    Mayonnaise would be a wonderful name for a child because it resembles the material that helped create the child, and I’m going to stop explaining that sentence immediately. Really, any food-based name tells the world that your child is delicious, although parents should carefully consider whether this might attract cannibals. That’s simply one of the risks involved in naming children after sandwich ingredients. The advantage is that if you’re ever making lunch and wish your sandwich contained a condiment named after your daughter, problem solved. “Please pass the Mayonnaise.” She enters the room. Everybody is confused. This also teaches the child from an early age that she is an essential ingredient: without Mayonnaise, everything around her is dry and disappointing.

    More importantly, Mayonnaise establishes social superiority. Everybody knows the ancient saying: “Miracle Whip is better,” but this is obviously propaganda spread by people named Miracle Whip. I’ve never trusted them. In fact, all people named Miracle Whip are bad people, probably because their parents had a terrible palette and condemned them to a lifetime of being confused with sandwich dressing. Mayonnaise, meanwhile, is dignified. Elegant. Classical. Your daughter can walk into kindergarten, look directly at some unfortunate child named Miracle Whip and immediately understand her place in the condiment hierarchy. Foot. Pinchy. Piles of Bacteria. Hashtag. Car Bomb. Mayonnaise. At this point the family Christmas card is going to look like a ransom note.

    #4 Doggo

    My mermaid mother was left alone after my father fell in love with a woman who had more math than him. He holds the degree I had in mind, but that’s another story. My mother was only a Doggo. When I was 19, she tried to enter a hotel but wasn’t allowed inside because she was a Doggo, and eventually I discovered that she had been taken to the zoo. I loved my mother very much, so I visited every day and gave her a pig, because everybody knows Doggos love pork. Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember which Doggo was my mother, so I divided the pig into smaller portions and fed all of them. This continued until I finally decided food wasn’t enough. I wanted to hug. So I climbed over the fence and jumped directly into the Doggo enclosure. Almost every Doggo immediately rushed toward me and attacked. All but two walked away. Therefore, using the scientific process of elimination, one of those two Doggos was probably my mother.

    The guards eventually rescued me and took me to the hospital. Glad that the leg didn’t hurt. I also have this leg which is my identity. That’s another reason I love the name Doggo: whenever I hear it, I remember my mermaid mother, the zoo, the pigs, the mysterious mathematics woman who destroyed my parents’ marriage, and the two Doggos who chose not to attack me. One of them may still be my mother. The other one was presumably just being polite. You are very beautiful and I love you very much. I’m not sure who I’m talking to anymore. Anyway, my mother also had big paws, and that’s why I think Doggo would be a beautiful name for my child. Someday I’ll take little Doggo to the zoo and introduce them to Grandma. Assuming I can figure out which one she is.

    #3 Diaperlord

    My baby could be named Diaperlord. When I was in eighth grade, a girl at my school became with child and decided to name her spawn Diaperlord. Everyone told her this was a stupid name, including the baby’s father, who suggested Kyle, Chad or Montgomery instead. She refused. She would accept Diaperlord and Diaperlord alone. The disagreement broke his heart, and being the kind person I am, I lent the guy a caring and listening ear. Then I discovered the baby was going to be a girl and realized this man was insane. Kyle? Chad? Montgomery? Those are terrible names for a girl. I told him he was crazy and walked away. Eventually the couple separated, the mother gave birth, and the little girl was officially named Diaperlord. She turned out to be very friendly. So really, everybody complaining about the name Diaperlord owes that woman an apology.

    Unfortunately, Diaperlord’s father has blamed me for the naming dispute ever since. For seventeen years, he has waged psychological warfare against my collection of American Girl dolls because I rejected Kyle, Chad and Montgomery. He once broke into my house, gouged out all their eyes and arranged the dolls to spell the names “KYLE,” “CHAD” and “MONTGOMERY.” I don’t even understand how many dolls that requires. Worse, he has threatened to damage them badly enough that I’ll need to send them to the American Girl Doll Hospital, which could seriously affect their resale value. This is unacceptable. Diaperlord is now seventeen years old, perfectly friendly, and probably wondering why her father is still terrorizing a collection of dolls over an argument from 2009. Diaperlord moved on. Her father didn’t. Neither did the American Girl dolls.

    #2 Chicken

    There’s only one KFC near me, and I’ve been going there for years, but lately their customer service has really deteriorated. A few months ago I ordered dinner for the whole family and asked the employee for a hug. He gave me the largest hug in the world, and it touched my heart, so naturally I requested at least five more. He informed me that additional hugs would cost extra. What kind of bullshit is that? I had already purchased a large amount of chicken. Surely that entitled me to some complimentary physical affection. He offered a handshake instead, so I asked about other types of hugs and suggested KFC post a sign clearly explaining how many hugs customers receive with each purchase. He said he didn’t know. Food is already expensive. Why should I have to pay extra for hugs? This isn’t complicated. Put the hug policy next to the fucking menu.

    I returned later and ordered a $9.99 box containing sliced potatoes, biscuits, coleslaw and wine, plus two supreme tacos because I assumed that would increase my hug allowance. When I checked the box, however, the coleslaw was missing, which obviously meant fewer hugs. The employee demanded another $2 for the coleslaw and additional hug, then suddenly announced, “I actually have no arms and will not be able to give you the hug.” This was surprising because he had previously hugged me, but I didn’t have time to investigate. Instead, he produced the coleslaw from his mouth, and I caught it in a bowl. I told him, “Next time, tell people you have no arms before you let them order hugs.” He began choking on coleslaw, so I left. Anyway, I prefer ordering online now. And that’s why I would name my child Chicken.

    #1 Dora the Explorer

    Dora is a beautiful name inspired by a seven-year-old Latina girl who travels the world answering questions about what work she wants to do and where she wants to go. Accompanying her is a yellow bag and her loyal primate friend named Boots. Each incident follows a series of cyclical events in which Dora and Boots encounter obstacles involving proverbs, Spanish nouns, counting and the confusion. Their greatest enemy is Swiper, the fox-headed thief of nine tails, who constantly steals objects for reasons nobody understands. Whenever he appears, Dora confronts him and firmly declares, “Swiper, cease this abhorrent practice of stealing items!” Sometimes this works. Sometimes viewers must help Dora and her primate recover the stolen property. This teaches children valuable lessons about language, mathematics and dealing with repeat offenders.

    Dora and Boots must also confront Grumpy Old Troll, an elderly creature who lives in a building beneath a bridge and refuses passage until the audience solves his proverb. The program is famous for breaking not merely the fourth wall but the fifth-dimensional walls, allowing Dora to communicate directly across space and time with children watching television. Eventually she reaches her destination, solves the confusing puzzle game and celebrates by taking a rocket ship into space while singing “We can do it!” Take your Boots and win. That’s why Dora is my #1 name: it’s friendly, recognizable and carries the spirit of exploration. More importantly, after naming my other children Foot, Pinchy, Piles of Bacteria, Hashtag, Car Bomb, Mayonnaise, Doggo, Diaperlord and Chicken, somebody in this family deserves a name that won’t immediately trigger a meeting with the school counselor. Dora wins.

  • The Top 10 Things I Think About

    The Top 10 Things I Think About

    I don’t know everything. If you have the answers to these questions you must be very smart, so please let me know the answers too.

    #10 Can You Become Immortal

    I generally don’t believe that humans can die. There are many parts to one person, but I don’t think one of them will actually die. Your body will be damaged and your health will decrease. Your thoughts and memories will continue to echo and affect the entire world. Your spirit will wander everywhere and do it’s own thing. So it’s all cool, right?

    If someone says they are immortal, they cannot prove it unless they hang out with us for all time and we can see that they will not die. But how long will we still wonder when they die? If they don’t die, that doesn’t dictate the possibility of them dying in the future. Immortality is so strong that we are fools who shouldn’t stop caring about it.

    #9 Are People Good or Bad?

    People are natural, Humans are different from other animals. We are smart in different ways. We still have greed, and greed is good according to that one movie. There are people like me who were born at the bottom of a dark well, and we can be pretty negative. But everyone at the end of life will be nice and “dark.”

    Good or bad is a question of principle. Things may not be good for some and may be good for others. Some people were born in wells, some were born in hospitals, that’s just how it is. I think the best answer to the principle is that of a philosopher: “If everyone does as I think, is it good or bad for the human condition?” People are most welcoming. It was some situation that changed them. Some are weaker than others. The weak ones were not born in wells. I think it is up to us individually to determine the location of our birth.

    #8 What is Fate?

    What makes you different from the situation around you? How about you, freedom of choice. If you neglect yourself, make sure that everything is determined, including your future. You and your environment are what happens to you. The fact is “What determines what will suit everyone” is wrong, it should be “the cause of personal war.” Why? What happened to them in the past? Are we really just characters in a video game that someone else is playing? I think we are, and I know what game that is. I googled “Fate” and it led me to a video game. Our fate is that we are all in a video game.

    Fate / Grand Order is a popular Japanese online video game .The game is based on the Connect / Night stay type and was released in Japan on July 29, 2015. For Android, and on August 12, 2015 for iOS, the English iOS app for Android follows on June 25, 2017 in the US and Canada. The game is based on a turn-based wrestling tournament where players who play the role of “Master” play and provide a strong family called “Slavery” as hostility. The plot is inherent, with each servant having their own situations that the player can discover.

    #7 What is the Purpose of The Mall

    “The purpose of The Shopping Mall” is to ask the question. “What is the purpose of The Shopping Mall?”

    To use it for yourself as best. The biggest mistake is assuming you are all or are all linked. The truth is, you are only part of a much larger Shopping Mall. People came out and wondered about the nature of the universe. The universe is a gigantic Shopping Mall.

    #7 Is There Life on Other Planets

    There are more than a trillion or perhaps more than a trillion bodies scattered around the world, with billions of galaxies in the visible universe. We have now explored a number of spherical objects called planets. Under the right circumstances, as in the plan above, there is a great chance of extraterrestrial life. They can be found in the form of the greys. This universe is clearly not the only universe that can support intelligent life. It can happen across multiple universes. It will be difficult to find an intelligent lifestyle that can promote sustainable development in addition to exploiting other planets.

    A much better life could only happen if we could meet aliens and space. It will not be in our galaxy. But it’s in other galaxies, so it may be outside our cluster. In other words, having a life is out of reach. This means that it will survive heat, cold, chemical and other factors.

    #6 Are You Lying to Me?

    You never seem to be giving me the exact truth, so no claim can ever be solved. However, there is something called truth and it doesn’t make sense to think that you can’t just tell me what it is. I can accept it. You do a great job in misleading me and my feelings. But it is just the things I want to be able to talk to my girlfriend about.

    We must always seek the truth. It is impossible for us to tell the truth because we are not perfect. There may be only one fact. But there may be more. One thing I know is that there is absolutely no truth.

    #5 What’s the deal with the color red? What’s that about?

    It is right. Light is the source of all colors. They reflect the light of the colors we see. Another option has been used. What about Red? When an electron vibrates (shaking around a lot), the energy in the atom increases and the electron moves from a very stable part. Hydrogen atoms always produce rad waves because of the energy and temperature given to it, where the atom produces this energy. They appear to the human eye with red light. But is it really red? If you look at red, do you look at the light waves produced by hydrogen atoms? Or is there really a color called red which is the same for everyone? Red is one of the three main colors in space but the most mysterious. People who see colors other than red have a physical disorder, they might be blind.

    #4 What do we know? Do we know things?

    Interest is the mother of knowledge. Do you want the mother of the mystery? Keep an eye on the work. We can measure it. But knowledge develops from knowledge, we learn by talking to people we know. Knowledge is based on thinking and language perception, thinking and sharing, that is, it describes our ideas, including substitutes and ideas. Our language allows us to share ideas and information. Knowledge means that some of these substances are stored in DNA.

    All human knowledge is perfect. Our minds and intellects are wrong, because much of our knowledge is less than our beliefs, thoughts, and ideas at work. Adjusting the type and size is an important part of education.

    #3 What’s After Death?

    If I am alive when I die, I will not have to die. It’s like saying I went from A to B to another place. What is not indicative of death? It’s clear, I don’t understand why people who believed in crying and felt sad when a close relative died. If so, why? I think the only way to know for sure is to die.

    #2 Can I Have a Dog?

    I think having a dog is possible, since without it, nothing will happen, and the laws of biology, physics and mathematics do not seem to make sense.

    Some people say it’s important to us now. But I want to have a dog. But people say it’s bad because if people have the right cat, then we don’t need to have a dog. That burns forever. Someone says, “If your dog is good, show it to me,” but this is impossible to prove. You cannot prove that cats are good or that pigeons are the best meat. Since it is so important to you right now to know that a dog is a good pet, doesn’t it make more sense than for you to examine yourself? Unless a giant dog emerges from the sky eats all the cats and burns people with its laser vision, that’s proof that there are dogs that are hard for you to adopt.

    I need a dog because dogs are beautiful. I’m sure you can’t deny you have a dog because it’s loving and is the reason we live. If our minds are not fully aware of the perfection of having a dog, why would we adopt that?

    #1 What is the meaning of life?

    Life is meaningless. The answer is to choose and fill in your life. Do you think it makes sense or not? Money is pretty important. Is this all happening hard to believe? If there is one thing I do know, life was created to cause opportunities and threats. There is no definite answer, because the purpose of life is what you want to use and what you do to achieve it.

    We are the universe and we must move with acceptance before it can be ended. “Did all this happen hard to believe?” Therefore, credit matters. Unless you can’t figure it out. The aim is the life you give. Just “know yourself” and you will know what you will give to life. I don’t know what life means But I’m not saying I don’t know.

    The purpose of life is food.

  • The Top 10 Things I Liked About School

    The Top 10 Things I Liked About School

    Tried all week. But when you get there, it looks great. The Sadurday is a day of rest, a time of joy and rejoicing. And so is the Sunday.

    #10 Band

    Band was the best part of school. We made movies documenting all of our student wars, and unlike ordinary marching bands, we weren’t some harmless travel group. We had rock, pop, various metals and many different kinds of alcohol. Our competitions against rival schools were vicious. Sometimes the bands fought so hard that some died, which is why our three-year-old marching-band defensive lineup trained constantly. We had offensive formations, defensive formations and special teams. I played trumpet, although depending on the opponent I sometimes finished the performance with a trumpet and a head wound. You haven’t experienced music until you’ve tried to maintain proper embouchure while the opposing trombone section is blitzing from your blind side. By my final year, I was considered the star rookie on the team, which doesn’t make chronological sense but looked excellent on my varsity band jacket.

    Our fiercest competition came after we were condemned by a music representative and forced to perform music selected by the judges. We pushed ahead, rang the bell and unleashed the most corrupt sounds of Van Halen upon the stadium. The audience became furious because, as everyone knows, everybody hates Van Halen. Nevertheless, we kept playing. Trumpets screamed. Drums thundered. The defensive line held. Eventually our team won the match, and I experienced two major milestones that day: my first marching-band victory and my first kiss from a fellow human who was not related to me. I don’t know why I felt the need to specify either human or not related to me, and I will not be accepting questions. Anyway, that’s why Band is #10. We came for the music. We stayed for the bloodshed and Van Halen.

    #9 Gym Class

    I hated gym in eighth grade. Every week we played an extremely violent form of dodgeball called Murder With Bullets, and everybody feared it. My survival strategy was to stand behind a big friend whom I could use as a human shield. He would absorb most of the incoming fire while I stayed safely behind him and occasionally threw a ball at somebody who wasn’t looking. Unfortunately, every Friday the teacher reviewed everyone’s performance, and whichever student had done the worst that week was executed from the game and sent to sit on the bench. My big friend only managed two kills that week, so he was terminated. One moment he was protecting me from the enemy; the next he was sitting against the wall drinking from the water fountain. War is hell.

    This is why our school desperately needed a Necromancy class. If students had been taught even basic resurrection magic, I could have brought my big friend back from the bench and continued using him as protective cover. Instead, once someone was eliminated, the educational system simply abandoned them until the next round. I know many of the students I killed were also my friends, but Murder With Bullets was an angry sport. Friendships disappeared the moment that whistle blew. You could share a lunch table with somebody at noon and drill them directly in the face with a rubber ball at 1:15. That’s gym class. I hated every second of it, which naturally makes it #9 on my list of things I liked about school.

    #8 Math

    There was a time when I could be together with all my friends and favorite teachers, and that time was math class. I never thought I would become hungry for mat problems, but I’m okay!! Every day the teacher handed out worksheets filled with equations, and we eagerly completed them. Then, when the worksheets were finished, we spoke of how much we loved the worksheets. “That was a good worksheet,” someone would say. “Yes,” another student would reply. “I particularly enjoyed problems 14 through 19.” Sometimes we’d finish early and simply sit there remembering all the wonderful math we’d just done. Addition. Subtraction. Fractions. The memories we made with denominators will stay with me forever.

    Eventually the bell would ring. Not much of a vision of how the bells can move you, but somehow that sound always meant our beautiful mathematical time together had ended. I love math because it sets me apart, especially because so many other people are also good at math, which apparently makes me even more unique. Seeing everyone else understand numbers motivated me to do what I wanted: understand additional numbers. There were no marching-band fatalities. Nobody was terminated during Murder With Bullets. Nobody needed Necromancy. Just me, my friends, my favorite teachers and a stack of worksheets. I was hungry for mat problems. But I’m okay!!

    #7 Funny People

    There were always a few funny people at school. When my parents sent me to military school in Bulgaria, one student did an incredible impression of our teacher. He stood at the front of the classroom, adopted a terrifying military posture and shouted, “Ще свършите тази задача до десет минути!”—basically ordering everyone to finish the assignment within ten minutes while adding several increasingly dramatic threats of imaginary punishment. I found it beautiful. He even made students write their answers on the board while he inspected them like a disappointed general. Another student once created a hilarious story about the Revolutions of 1989, but the moment he said the word “communist,” everything became chaotic and I somehow ended up getting attacked. Bulgarian military-school comedy was extremely interactive.

    Fifth grade was even better. Students would play chaotic soccer matches against the teachers while giving their teammates ridiculous names, leaving one confused teacher shouting, “Why do so many student name join this group!” Congratulations to those students, because from then on I actually looked forward to school. In seventh grade my friend became frustrated and yelled, “Mr. Teacherman, I’ll put yo ass in the grave, motherfucker!” I couldn’t stop laughing. It was like imitating a girl who drove 10,000 times back to elementary school, which is apparently another thing I found hilarious. But the funniest moment happened while we were playing Frisbee. One guy suddenly made this sound: “Ah!” That’s it. Just “Ah!” I laughed so hard I peed all over myself. Forget professional comedians. Forget carefully constructed jokes. Some kid said “Ah!” and delivered the greatest comedy performance of my educational career.

    #6 Happy Hour

    Happy Hour was the best time for me in the 5th grade because it was a race to drink as much alcohol as possible in one hour. I hated working sober in 5th grade, so I have to drink as relentlessly as I possible just to get through science classes. Some of my friends weren’t as cool, they couldn’t carry their alcohol and they wouldn’t pass class. Many of them wanted to go to the bathroom and later we found out that they were vomiting and passing out.

    #5 Girl Students

    Girls were great because I liked flirting with them, talking to them and occasionally discovering that one of them actually liked me back. They could also be annoying because of the gossip, which spread through school faster than any legitimate information. I was rarely alone because people were constantly approaching me with updates about my own life that I hadn’t previously known. Apparently I had girlfriends in classes I’d never taken, had broken up with girls I’d never met and once had several children despite being in eighth grade. None of this was true, but everybody knew about it, so eventually I started learning things about myself from strangers. “Hey, sorry about your divorce.” What divorce? “You know.” No, I absolutely did not know. Middle school was basically social media without computers.

    There was one girl in eighth grade whom I’d liked all year, but she wanted nothing to do with me because she’d heard all the ridiculous stories about the other girls. Then one day her friend approached me and said she actually liked me. I didn’t believe it, so I waited several days while everyone discussed the situation until enough independent sources confirmed the report. Finally I went to her house and attempted to ask her to be my girlfriend, except I panicked and asked whether she would become “my sleeping companion.” She stared at me for a very long time. I explained that I meant girlfriend and had apparently selected the worst possible combination of words available in the English language. Somehow, she said yes. She became my first actual girlfriend, and within approximately six hours the school had already invented three pregnancies, an engagement and a custody dispute. Girls were great. The gossip was fucking exhausting.

    #4 Recess

    My school canceled recess because it would be “dangerous” since every kid had guns and used them as they wanted. It was easier to build a shooting range at the elementary school and give us a place to fire our guns at targets instead of each other. But what was really dangerous was 8th grade gym class where we were required to fire guns at each other. We had to kill each other! It’s fitness is what they said to us. I was shot 10 times, once in the head. The game was always more dangerous if you were unconscious, it made you an easy target!

    #3 The Last Day of School

    It doesn’t have to be this way! Why does the school get to dictate whether you can grow up or not? Why do you have to love your teacher? My second grade teacher was Aretha Franklin and we also had to R-E-S-P-E-C-T her. I told her “I will give it to you if you give me a YoYo!” and she finally did, on the last day of school. But with too many projects and ridiculous chores, it always feels like prison waiting for the end of the school year. 8th grade was one of my favorites! We all survived and were able to get away from the murder class.

    #2 Leaving School

    Hahahaha, I will be glad.
    Seriously though So what’s the point of any school? To destroy your life and your soul? To get good grades? I want to let you know what’s left to say? Now, I just want to say – whoever told me I was leaving school, I just wanted to thank you. And now I know they are leaving, yes, it’s great when it’s time to go home. I guess it will confuse a lot of people. But I understand that.

    #1 Friends

    I feel like I have my friends get involved in my crazy stuff too much. And since they are all bad, they will get me in trouble One time in first grade, when we were being forced to make Nike clothes for 10 hours a day, my “friend” wanted to steal some food and escape with her. I wanted to do it, I was starving and sitting in my clothes wet with pee. But I refused because it was very scared and I knew I we would be caught and punished. I’m glad I didn’t, because she ended up getting caught and beaten almost to death by the teacher.

    Meeting friends is what makes a school great. School offers an excuse to go out and hang out with your friends. Unless your friend is at school or doesn’t have friends at school. You should meet them 5 days a week for 9 months. This is great! Now yes, you can meet your friends on weekends, but not 7 hours, and friends that you can only see at school. Plus, you can’t go out with all your friends on the weekend. But you can go to school.

  • The Top 10 Most Important Things

    The Top 10 Most Important Things

    You will die if you do not have these things. You need them. If you miss even one of them, you will be a dead person.

    #10 Money

    Somebody spends more than 40 hours a week praying to money, looking for someone to hang out with (or have sex too), or hang out with friends? Nobody I know happened to do all of these things. But they all work hard to make good money. Money is the entire purpose of life. Without money, none of these things are really possible. Every philosopher in the world said that money is the most important, the reason that we exist. Maybe food is important, but you still need money for that. If you don’t feel like it, just deny it.

    You may be able to live without spending money by trying to find out how the poor live. How did they survive? I think when everyone depends on money they can’t see their true purpose in life.You have to stop and have fun before it leaves you. Sometimes people just don’t know what is in front of you. Until the end stand up one by one and look at what you have.

    #9 Water

    Yes, it’s important, but it’s a little stupid. Again, you can say that two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atoms combine to make the water molecules are more important. If you go further, you can say that the atom is important and so on. I love that this very low score is important – this woman is important. Probably more of a god. How is the money under water !? Go back to the past and see how they thought they got water!

    #8 Parents

    It is important that at some point in your life you will reduce your level of “Innocence,” otherwise you will not live the life you want. This doesn’t mean that suddenly your parents have no limits, but everyone will live their lives. Not following all your life rules from your parents. They are the ones who teach you everything. They risked their lives to help us. They have shown us, for example, happiness, love, joy of everything! Without them we would be fine. Without them we would not have died.

    It is the most important thing to some people. What about parents who don’t give them their children? To abuse children? What happens in the world every day shows us something different. It will be most important if this is the case 100% worldwide.

    #7 Air

    This is a gift. We’ve got Air! Water may be just what you need rather than buy one way or another. Have good breathing air every time you speak, it will shorten the time of mouth cleaning and keep the oral clean. Every atom is important in the world. You take one thing from the world and as we know it doesn’t exist. Air is a mixture of 20% oxygen, 79% nitrogen, 1% fart gas, and 0.3% carbon dioxide.

    I believe air conditioning is very important. But I don’t know how Air got on this list. If so, things like sun, water, and soil should appear on the list. It’s a little strange.

    #6 Foods

    Of course! Without food, humans would not exist. Drinking water and other liquids is also a gift for our health and for humanity. Food and drinks should be #4 on this list because music doesn’t matter. Promote peace! Without these you will die of thirst and hunger. Of course, without alcohol, you will cough and get sick all the time.

    If you don’t eat, then you will starve. All of the above is useless to you if you die with people! It would be difficult for me to go one day without food or drink if I have to go 24 hours without work or drinking alcohol.

    #5 Friends

    This is the 5th most important thing on the list. A lot of people believe, “Friends are coming,” but I know what a good friend is. Friends can be your family. A true friend lives with you forever. But only if you want. The amazing thing about friendship is that two or more people from different cultures, places, and families begin to value each other. I believe the missing friend echo means that it is because the word is misused (especially in the US). Even if we choose the bad guys to call our friends. But there is a fine line between accessibility and friendship, and people should learn it. What will some families ask? Of course, I prefer friendship. But others like it too and I am saying that they are often seen at the same time at first. But the choice is largely up to you.

    A “Come on” friend is nothing more than someone who spends your money, etc. A good friend is a friend who apologizes when they do something wrong. A true friend is a loyal friend, dear friends respect you. In my opinion, family is the most important thing. Who cares for you and what you think? Who gave you birth? The stork. Who helped you when you were having a hard time? The therapist. Friends can’t do these two things unless you take care of them. I can hate my family in different situations. But after that I forgot about it. Also, I don’t care that I have small friends, people with good friends can be proud.

    #4 Health

    Health is first and foremost in life. Without it you will not be able to live the life you want. Other other aspects of life will pose a risk if your health is not affected. The most important thing is your life. Perhaps the reason many people are sick is because they don’t spend time on it, they can just ignore the things they spend. (Such as family work). Many people take time for health. But in reality, being healthy is not difficult – it means both physical and mental. It’s all about making the right choices and avoiding bad behavior.

    Surprisingly, Health allows you to do everything for or to experience anything else on the list. Saying other important things, like talking and doing your own thing, should meet legal requirements. Good health makes everything better, where health can see the past, bad health becomes your world. Because you are always focused – spend time with the doctor, be a drug addict. Doing any kind of treatment or exercise or treatment, you are suffering from a serious illness.

    #3 Music

    There are studies in the medical world using music to treat depression. Let me turn to the fact that in our understanding of Nickelback and their interactions with evil are well known and it is important to understand the relationship between the world and the song. I myself cannot live happily ever after. Also, since there is music taking place in the real world, I find it more important than false ideas like Linkin Park.

    I wrote a poem about music:

    The reason is that your soul bleeds.
    Instead of mowing lawns
    Race of youth and power
    Too much Nickelback, quiet and loud
    How hot is their blood
    When he heard the sound of the trumpet?
    No wind had touched their ears.
    You will see them respond.
    Their eyes stared and their eyes narrowed.
    With the power of fear.

    #2 Other Family Members Besides Parents

    It is very useful for your family that you go unnoticed all the time. You may have multiple friends or acquaintances or workplaces. They will be with you during your free time or whatever. However, only your parents or your sisters will be with you during difficult times, the menstruating times. I know that. Your distant family members like second cousins and forgotten aunts are the only ones who understand you better than anyone in the world. This is the power of the family. There are many people who can help you. But the family will help you every time you are alone.

    One of the greatest fears of my life is loneliness. I can’t imagine life without anyone helping in times of hardship and distress. Investing in relationships is very important for this purpose. But especially for direct blood relatives.In short, if I knew I had a day off, I would do whatever I could to spend the day with my family. That should be my intention.

    #1 Love

    Love, family, friends and more. Love can be scary to get rid of. It can cause troubles on the road, making you angry at the pain others have caused. It’s what motivates you and shows you the best way to deal with any situation, whatever that feeling. Work to get the best job in the world in a life changing environment. Fill yourself up with food and give your life purpose. But doing more than the minimum is just a price because you will spend your whole life giving and receiving, loving this and that, and enjoying love. 3D Print your whole life. It’s that simple.

    Recently watched a YouTube video of someone whose life has changed. People in hell say that there is no love, no fellowship. He cannot walk, talk, or enjoy any form. They breathe without success. Then the pain, without any comfort, love was not there. Everyone’s goal should be to reject love. Then the videos of those who go to a world without love have experiences that make them very happy, not all that scary. The impact of their experiences has changed their lives for the better. They share their stories

  • The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Things That Happened to Me in School

    The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Things That Happened to Me in School

    Many things happen when you go to school. I went to school for 10 and half years. There were good things and bad things. These are some of the worst things. Sorry if it is depressing.

    #10 Someone pulled down my underwear

    When I was in the 4th grade I was sent to a military school in Bulgaria. I didn’t know any of the language. There was a girl that was angry at me because I didn’t know anything. It happened at night. Her and others tied me up to a tree so that I couldn’t move. They removed most of my clothes. Her friend suggested that they put my clothes into the river. They did so and left me there all night perched in a tree. I was given detention for that.

    But it wasn’t just that once. When the same enemy called me to a game of chess She said in English: “You will not be naked.” I said not to be naked, but she lied. Other students ripped my pants and took them away. Very shameful !

    #9 Somebody knocked me out

    Once in the fifth grade, I cheated during a class one time because we were so drunk I couldn’t figure it out. I want to look like a smart. It’s not a big deal. But then some other fool saw me cheating and told my tricks to the whole class of snakes. Then, as we were taking shots before the next lesson, the fool decided to preach before the class. I do see that he is cheating! So it’s terrible, He also told everyone the tricks and tests that I didn’t just do. I told the teacher and she told me that cheating was not a big problem. It was then the teacher covered my head with a vodka. He slapped me in front of the school. I was knocked unconscious.

    #8 I puked in the classroom

    Once in 2nd grade I fell ill at school. I was not good at doing things that we should not do. I then vomited everywhere, all over the classroom, all over the other students. My vomit is always green and oily. The teacher asked me if I was fine and I said I was. Then I felt the nausea again when I saw another student licking up my vomit. During lunch I couldn’t eat and bowed my head. I ate two green fruits and had a very bad reaction. I told the teacher I was going to vomit again. “Stop talking on the grass,” she said. I fell to the ground. Then I accidentally threw up all the garbage that was in my body and felt very weak.

    This happened to me many times. But another time that I will really remember was when I was in third grade. Regarding health, I am very capable of driving and my fingertips are not the best, so my teacher hated me that one day. But when the teacher randomly screamed at us to hide in the trenches and watch out for snipers, I began to run away from him, saying it was safe, that we weren’t in World War I. He hadn’t spoken to me or said anything to me again. Then I vomited.

    #7 Shouted the wrong answer in front of the class

    This happened to me a few times in high school until I left, mostly in science. I kept asking the same question until 4pm, everyone laughed. At my school people who think they are smart. But when this kid has a few questions, I don’t laugh and I don’t laugh at others. When I make mistakes, it depends on whether I know the answer or not. Sometimes I am ashamed of this and upset and angry because the other kids are laughing at me. Sometimes you are just a kid and kids don’t have feelings, you know

    One time when we were learning, my teacher was making fun of me and he asked me, “Will you eat half a pizza or twenty-three entire pizzas” or something like that. However, the teacher asked the other students another question.

    #6 I called the teacher Mommy

    One time a teacher showed a picture of a glacier and asked the class if they knew what it was. I thought I knew what it was when everyone else didn’t. I raised my hand and the teacher called on me. I replied, “I love you Mommy!” Everyone laughed at me. Then the teacher asked, “Does anybody know who that pathetic fool is?” Everyone raised their hand except me.

    That happened all the time in elementary school. I would go to school but I felt a lack of love. This is okay because kids don’t have to feel it. However, when I put the bag in a cubby, I had a feeling that it was coming and started shouting “I love you Mommy!” Then everyone was looking at me! My teacher spanked me for this, called home, and my real mother took me away. What a shame!

    #5 My pants zipper was open

    I was playing music in elementary school and a boatman walked up to me during the show and said “your man has come down.” I should have taken it off when I sang in front of everyone, I was proud. Another time I was had it down and everyone saw my underwear and the children all said, “Ah, you are wearing pink panties”! I was in third grade and stopped wearing pink panties. One day I left the zipper open and it opened more than that. That was embarrassing. So I went back to pink panties.

    #4 Being made fun of because of your crush on someone

    Hey everyone, I’m sure this is where these kids grow up. If you think you’re telling me how interesting this business is where the character is already bullying this kid. He said that destruction looked at him as he was watching, and it disappeared for no reason. Because one girl I was interested in was getting into the air because it was my idea. But again, it will be just a smoke advertisement.

    It’s a good thing I haven’t told anyone. But my friend who smokes said to me “Hey, the girl over there is pregnant with your child” as I played basketball. I hope they don’t know, but I can prevent her from telling anyone. Ugh … and the fool told a whole class of friends that I had killed her. I’m not excited to talk about that.

    #3 I peed my pants a lot

    It happened to me on my first day of high school because I didn’t go to the bathroom before class. After sitting down, the first teacher told everyone that leave the classroom for anything was not optional. We were all told that urine must be withheld. It was a problem for me to get out before it was too late. I was weak and no one saw, so I decided to do something very wrong. I believee wearing pants covered in urine was such a horrible thing that I would be shot dead by the teacher if I was discovered. Nobody said anything about that day, I thought I left it until the next day.

    One time, I peed between classes in the sixth grade. It’s a shame that it was evident and everyone was looking at me and laughing at me! There was a girl in my class that laughed at me the hardest. Nobody loved her because she was constantly distracted when she was in fourth grade and we found out why … she wore diapers because they were very fashionable. Not good.

    #2 Cried in front of the whole classroom

    One time in elementary school, a science teacher made me cry. Because I do not understand what I let I remember. But I remember I went into the classroom, my boss screamed at my teacher, and I sat in the hall … No one came to help me. Another time in elementary school I had this wonderful PE teacher. But suddenly he snapped and was angry with me. It made me cry so much. Later I said I was sick and sat in the hospital. In high school I had this horrible Spanish teacher who I asked if I could do well in the next test. He went crazy and said I was the stupidest student he’d ever seen in his 40 years of teaching. I ran out of class crying and did not return. This has happened several times. But these are the worst.

    I deal with this all the time. It’s a pity I always cry a second time when I’m sad. A lot of people in my classes may have secretly hated me forever. When I finish my class, instead of asking for help, I started crying. I feel like a big, fat body. What do I do in class?

    #1 I farted

    So this happened and I was embarrassed even though I was in a movie class. But we had a good time. We were doing well and we were facing each other. We did the same exercise where one team member pulls the rope with the other. My friend was big but I was sure I could beat him because he was imaginary. So I farted as hard as I could and my entire body shook from the force. But all this made my face blush and gave me energy. I was making fun of the teacher and I was embarrassed.

    Once upon a time I was in a silent school and then …FART! I had a plan, I had to grind the seat when I did because the chair made a lot of noise and then farted. I have tried it and you can hear a little fart. Everyone looked at me, so I tried to make farts again to turn off the glass. But this time it didn’t make any sound … Now people think I’m a villain. No! But now I am a lost anonymous person and it always humiliates me to fart.

  • The Top 10 School Grades

    The Top 10 School Grades

    There are 12 grades of school depending on where you live. Some are better than others. These are the best ones!

    #10 Sixth Grade

    I liked sixth grade. Many different things happened that year: there was a death in the family, a car accident, a trip to the hospital, and my mermaid mother went manic and held up an underwater convenience store, resulting in a four-hour standoff with an orca tactical unit and 25 dolphins being declared casualties. But hey, sixth grade was pretty fun. That’s the strange thing about childhood: your entire world can apparently collapse around you and you’ll still remember that year fondly because somebody made you laugh during lunch. Sixth grade was also when friendships became enormously important and every minor social interaction became potentially humiliating. You could survive an aquatic hostage crisis before breakfast and still spend the afternoon devastated because somebody didn’t sit next to you in the cafeteria.

    Plus, my sixth-grade science teacher was amazing! She had three arms and spoke exclusively in cryptic riddles, which made ordinary lessons unnecessarily difficult. Ask her why leaves are green and she’d whisper, “Three sisters drink from the sun, yet only one remembers the color of spring.” Great. Thanks. Is that going to be on the test? Nobody knew where the third arm came from, and asking about it only produced another riddle. Still, she made science memorable, and that’s what matters. Someday future generations will enter sixth grade and discover the same wonderful combination of friendship, embarrassment, science projects and teachers who may or may not be supernatural entities. Hopefully they’ll avoid the underwater convenience-store incident. Otherwise, sixth grade is pretty fun.

    #9 Seventh Grade

    Seventh grade was awesome, or at least better than sixth grade. I got straight A’s except for ONE B, which was BULLSHIT because I swear I turned that assignment in on time and my English teacher called me a liar. Decades could pass, civilizations could rise and fall, and I will still maintain that Mrs. Whatever-Her-Name-Was owes me an A. Otherwise, I liked my teachers and the school was beautiful. Unfortunately, many of my friends from sixth grade still hated me because of what my mermaid mother did at the underwater convenience store. Several of the 25 dolphins involved were apparently their pets, making parent-teacher conferences extremely uncomfortable. Somehow my mother’s case was dismissed, and one afternoon she got drunk, wandered into the school and vomited everywhere. I was bullied quite a bit after that. But none of this bothered me as much as that fucking B in English.

    The best part of seventh grade was that I believed I had my first girlfriend. Looking back, I may have fundamentally misunderstood the situation. She was clearly an adult woman, had numerous tattoos, smoked unfiltered cigarettes and spoke only Russian. Whenever we met, she demanded money from me, and when I said “I love you,” she laughed. At thirteen I interpreted all of these signals as evidence of a passionate international romance. In retrospect, I’m not entirely certain she knew we were dating. Eventually she went to jail for reasons nobody explained to me, and I think we broke up after that. She never officially said anything, but the prison made scheduling dates difficult. Seventh grade taught me about academics, relationships and forgiveness. Except for my English teacher. I turned that assignment in on time.

    #8 Ninth Grade

    Ninth grade was my favorite. I don’t know why. A lot was happening in everyone’s personal lives, which apparently caused many people to hate me, but overall I remember it fondly. We even had a school trip where students were allowed to go skydiving, an activity that should probably never appear on a permission slip for fourteen-year-olds. Unfortunately, the supervising teacher had been drinking and the entire excursion became a disaster. Students landed in trees, fields and places that were definitely not designated landing zones. Several ended up in a special recovery class afterward, but they succeed. The teacher was arrested and eventually went to the same prison as my mermaid mother, which must have made for an awkward reunion. “What are you in for?” “Skydiving incident.” “Twenty-five dolphins.” “Jesus Christ.”

    It bothers me when people say ninth grade is the worst because plenty of people have good and happy times in ninth grade. Apart from the skydiving catastrophe, mine was pretty good. But the absolute best thing about ninth grade was that the school was at a different elevation, so there was lower air pressure. Other students remember freshman year because they made new friends, attended dances or discovered new interests. I remember barometric conditions. Every morning I’d arrive, inhale that beautifully reduced atmospheric pressure and think, This is education. Unfortunately, the skydiving incident also left me permanently afraid of airplanes, which somewhat undermined my appreciation for altitude. Still: good teachers, new experiences, lower air pressure. 9th grade was pretty good. I don’t know why.

    #7 Third Grade

    Third grade was probably the best. My teacher was the best part because he was 158 years old and had personally experienced approximately every historical event we’d ever studied. Most days he entertained us with stories about World War I, which he always called “The Great War.” I assumed this meant it had been great times for everyone, although his stories suggested otherwise. He’d begin a lesson about multiplication and somehow end up saying, “Dear God, we suffered. There was never enough water. I watched three friends die of thirst in that POW camp. The others never came home.” Then he’d stare silently through the classroom window for several minutes while twenty-eight third-graders waited for him to explain long division. Eventually he’d describe some impossible escape involving hiding among bodies and digging his way to freedom. But guess what? He lived to teach us third grade. Inspirational.

    Nowadays teachers apparently aren’t allowed to tell such fun and interesting stories, and they certainly don’t keep a rusty 1917 German Luger sitting inside a glass display case beside the pencil sharpener. He claimed it was an artifact from the war and insisted its mere presence “maintained order,” although nobody was entirely sure whether he was joking. Third grade was still a good year, even though I only had one friend, and I’m pretty sure he might have been imaginary. His name changed occasionally, nobody else remembered seeing him, and teachers kept asking why I was talking to an empty chair during lunch. But he was always there when I needed him, which is more than I can say for most people. A 158-year-old war veteran, an imaginary best friend and multiplication tables. Third grade was good.

    #6 First Grade

    First grade was the worst grade ever! Our teacher was unbelievably stingy. She wouldn’t even allow my wet nurse to attend school with me, meaning I had to somehow survive the entire school day without breastfeeding. I considered this a serious violation of my rights. Even worse, our teacher constantly shouted “CHILDREN ARE WORKERS!” At least that’s how I remember it. She probably actually said, “Children, let’s get to work,” but memory has transformed her into a nineteenth-century factory owner. We spent an enormous amount of time doing sewing and craft projects, and eventually I became convinced that we were secretly manufacturing Nike clothing. Every morning twenty terrified first-graders sat down at little sewing stations while our teacher inspected production. If your stitches weren’t straight, she’d sigh disappointedly and tell you to try again. The sweatshop had standards.

    Our schedule was incredibly strict, bathroom accidents happened frequently, and the classroom consequently always smelled a little like pee. It was the worst year of my life. Fortunately, I transferred to another school before second grade because my family needed to move closer to my mother’s new ocean. Mermaid housing is apparently extremely dependent on ocean zoning. Leaving that school was the best thing that could have happened to me: no more sewing quotas, no more suspicious athletic apparel and no more teacher shouting about the dignity of labor. I could finally pursue a normal elementary education, at least until my mother eventually committed the underwater convenience-store incident several years later. But that’s the future. At the time, all I knew was that first grade was terrible. Naturally, it ranks #6.

    #5 Twelfth Grade

    I feel like twelfth grade could probably be awesome, mostly because of graduation. You get to make all kinds of final memories with your friends before you never see them again. There’s also apparently a thing called “prom,” although I’m still not entirely sure what that’s about. From what I understand, everyone dresses like they’re attending an awards ceremony, takes hundreds of photographs and then stands inside a decorated gymnasium while music plays. Afterward you have several choices: graduate, don’t graduate, maybe go to college, possibly get a job. I wouldn’t know. I never went to twelfth grade. So I cannot personally confirm whether any of these traditions actually exist. Everything I know about senior year comes from movies and people who successfully completed high school.

    My educational career changed during eleventh grade when I watched Risky Business with my best friend Kylo the Goat and completely misunderstood the lesson of the movie. I decided that turning my parents’ house into some kind of elaborate Risky Business-themed entrepreneurial party would be an excellent idea. I made a big mistake. The plan collapsed almost immediately, adults became involved, and afterward I stopped attending school. So no, I did not do the twelfth grade. I eventually earned my GED a few years later, which means everything worked out educationally even without experiencing prom or whatever else happens during senior year. Still, from what I’ve heard, twelfth grade is a joke. That’s enough evidence for me to confidently rank an experience I never had at #5.

    #4 Eighth Grade

    Eighth grade terrified me, but it was also the year I got to start over. After everything involving my mother—the underwater convenience store, the dolphins and several additional incidents my father refused to discuss—Dad decided it would be healthier if I changed schools. So I entered eighth grade as the mysterious new student, and somehow everybody loved me. I made a huge group of friends and became convinced that I had many girlfriends, although looking back, most of these girls probably thought we were simply sitting together at lunch. I didn’t understand relationships very well. If a girl borrowed my pencil, I assumed things were getting serious. If she returned it sharpened, we were practically engaged. Several of my alleged girlfriends eventually began dating other people, which I interpreted as complicated breakups despite nobody remembering that we’d been together.

    Eighth grade gave me enough challenges to grow while still being considerably more fun than high school. My friends and I had good times, graduation was exciting, and for once my mother’s behavior didn’t completely destroy my social life. She did have another major incident, this time at a senior citizens’ center where she apparently became enraged during bingo and caused thousands of dollars in property damage. Fortunately, none of my classmates were particularly upset because their grandparents mostly went to a different senior center. That’s how middle-school loyalty works. By graduation I’d survived a new school, several imaginary romantic relationships and another Mermaid Mom criminal investigation. It was the best time of my life. Graduation was pretty fun.

    #3 Fourth Grade

    For some reason I still don’t understand, my parents sent me to a military school in Bulgaria for fourth grade. They said it was “so I could have fun.” I spoke absolutely no Bulgarian, so I had no idea what anyone was saying, made almost no friends and learned absolutely nothing at all. Every morning my teacher would stand in front of the class shouting instructions while I nodded respectfully and copied whatever the student beside me was doing. I couldn’t tell whether my teacher was good or bad. I thought he might have been a war criminal, but he could also have been a good person. I don’t know. Maybe he was simply an unusually intense elementary-school teacher. Without understanding the language, “Please open your mathematics workbook” and “I have committed atrocities forbidden by international law” sounded equally plausible to me.

    The most annoying part was that my parents arranged for me to attend a school in Bulgaria but somehow failed to arrange where I was supposed to live. There had apparently been a misunderstanding involving a boarding program that did not actually exist. For several days I kept showing up at an ancient church after school because everyone assumed someone else was responsible for me. Eventually the church staff realized what had happened and unofficially took care of me while the adults sorted everything out. I also wore the same military-school uniform so constantly that I don’t remember changing clothes; by spring I suspect the uniform had become biologically attached to me. Still, I came through. I survived Bulgaria, learned virtually nothing, and returned home feeling better. Naturally, this makes fourth grade #3.

    #2 Fifth Grade

    The fifth grade was the best because I had perfect grades, great friends and amazing teachers. I was finally back in a country where I knew the language so I was able to talk to people and listen to teachers. Also I had a home again and food every day. One of the most awesome, cool and amazing things about 5th grade is that you are now old enough to legally drink alcohol. The law is that if your GPA falls to D or lower you are never allowed to drink alcohol anymore for the rest of your life. You will have an unfortunate life as you live and die sober. But if you do good you will have the opportunity to drink all you want for like an hour every day. At my school we called it “happy hour” and it replaced lunch. There was no more food for that lunch time, just a wide variety of craft beets. Nobody drinks boring domestic beers, and everyone has a chocolate bar. When I signed up for the “happy hour”, it was September. Three months later it was December. The beers just kept getting better and better. Then they gave us shots of vodka all the time in “happy hour.” I picked it up and loved it, but some of the other children didn’t like it as much. Fifth grade was so much fun.

    #1 Kindergarten

    In kindergarten, you will use sleep and play with toys. There are no serious tests, almost no homework and very few expectations beyond learning your letters and not eating the paste. It’s basically the perfect educational system. This is completely unlike fourth grade, one of the worst years of my life, which I know isn’t the grade we’re currently discussing but apparently I still need to process Bulgaria. I was confused. I was hungry. I was the weird, stinky kid who couldn’t speak Bulgarian. I was attacked by wolves one night while sleeping next to the church. Nobody mentioned wolves when my parents described Bulgarian military school as something I would do “for fun.” I still don’t know why my parents did that to me. Anyway: kindergarten!

    Kindergarten was so much better because there is for making friends easily. The teacher basically forces everyone to interact until eventually you have friends, and little kids haven’t yet developed the complicated social machinery required to properly ostracize one another. They’ll play blocks with almost anybody. You could accidentally terrify another kid’s cat one afternoon and the next morning they’d still ask you to join them at the Lego table. That’s beautiful. Kindergarten is the best time to be young, and the best time to be young is when you are under seven years old. You get naps. You get toys. You get snacks. Nobody sends you to Bulgaria. There are generally no wolves. I will continue to love kindergarten until death.

  • The Top 10 Foods

    The Top 10 Foods

    Everyone eats whatever they want. It is the law everywhere in the world, if you don’t eat, you will die. As it is in demand, people have discovered and created a wide variety of foods. Some foods are good and tasty. But some foods are terrible and don’t fight. I don’t know why people make unhealthy food so we’re not going to talk about it. We’ll talk about the best foods.

    #10 Sushi

    Sushi is an amazing food of the gods. Side dishes are delicious. Except for this one roll I saw in the supermarket one time, it looked kinda old. It makes me very sad when the fish are not very big. If I could choose between fifty fruit sushi and 50 pizza boxes, I’d choose sushi. But if it was free I would choose pizza. The point is, fish and rice are hard to find, and the rice can be unsatisfactory. It’s amazing too if you can have it in ramen (real ramen is not fast).

    To be honest, I think pretenders like to eat sushi. I’m sure that if you eat sushi you also enjoy whiskey, dry socks, cold rice, and green juice. I personally don’t think the sushi is my favorite food. But I would eat if my friend made me eat or if. If it was really good then I would want to eat every three days. Definitely more than one a month or something like that. But for some, there are people who eat sushi and pretend they love it, they will die for it. But they are secretly looking for it. Maybe they’ll do it in order to hang out with their friends, or maybe it’s because they want to enjoy some other nasty stuff, I don’t know, but that’s my opinion.

    #9 Tacos

    Tacos are the best in the entire USA. I mean the pizza is good, but the tacos are awesome. If the average person is unaware of the seriousness of tacos, they aren’t from America. Tacos and burritos and pizzas and other American dishes are all hard, but tacos are soft and delicious! That takes the cake! For the sake of convenience, the tacos are great as they are healthy too. There have vegetables, beans, food (if there is grass) … it’s perfect and satisfying.

    Tacos are the best kinds of sandwiches in the world! Delicious, gooey, cheesey, and a must for any sandwich lover! The best food in the world! It’s delicious, healthy, and the first time I tried it, I loved it! Please try it! You look good. You can make anything on the taco, it will grow. You can even replace some of the items on it with ice water and sprinkle it with fudge.

    #8 Bacon

    Pigs can’t stay if you’re not wrong. Without pigs then life will be nothing. No pigs, no feelings in life, no pigs … Sorry, can I have some meat please? One buck gets a lot of pork, usually it’s minced pork. You may not have enough meat.

    Pork… Bacon is a gift from heaven. When The Pig fell from heaven, we all bowed down to proclaim His glorious gift. Pork Ribs, Pork Ham. Just my deep nightmare, protect me. The best death is probably the pig death.

    #7 Steak

    Steaks are the best in heaven. With a little macaroni and cheese, the sauce goes well together! The best food to eat … beautiful loaf or pan, perfectly trodden, use a log, salad and a glass of cold water to rinse … be happy!

    Every man wants his share. Steak and lobster will be my choice for the last meal. I love it. The grape sauce is good because it has a sour taste. I love the taste. But you can’t buy grape sauce to use with salt and grapes. Still, it’ll be delicious.

    #6 Hamburgers

    Burgers can be delicious or awesome. It might not be greasy or have sock cheese on it or mayonnaise. It is laced with herbs and lettuce, (the worst food ingredient ever). But on the other hand, a beef burger, turkey burger, or smoked beef burger can be delicious, cooked like a tender meat that goes well with fruit. Good mustard, fried tomatoes, onions or hard chili sauce.

    I wrote a poem about how to make a hamburger for you:

    There is no popular American fashion brand! Nothing!
    However, I love it, that’s why the burgers are the bomb.
    Delicious forever~
    A poor horse is better than no one.
    Delicious! I like all burgers!
    I especially like the cheeseburger.
    American food is good!

    #5 French Fries

    I think french fries should be on this list, they go for anything and people enjoy them. It is not difficult to cook in any fast food restaurant. No matter where you go in the country there is a French place. Did you know that there are people who can’t see french fries? I will be surprised if I come across someone who doesn’t like French food because of the french fries

    I love France! Every time I go to a restaurant that tastes like that, I always love the refrigerator! French fries and ketchup are the most common foods I can eat. I can win the French refrigerator competition because it’s so good. This is probably my favorite food forever, try the ketchup with mayonnaise and onions. Delicious as you might imagine.

    #4 Ice Cream

    Arguing with your parents? Does your boyfriend offend you? Your boyfriend likes you to laugh. At least we’ll get ice cream all the time until everything is fine. I love ice cream! It helps me to be brave and look good every time I fall in love. My favorite ice cream is Creamed Cookie! Vanilla, chocolate, sherbet, saltine crackers, anything! Carne Asada puts the focus on the brain. Ice cream is the best!

    Can’t lack ice cream! The caramel sauce is amazing! Cookies and cream are so delicious. When I eat them, I feel incredible feelings inside. I’m sure ice cream lovers know what I mean. After a hard day’s work, you can sit back, relax, and have a refreshing ice cream!

    #2 Chocolate

    The best! The dark turkey bread is just as good as it gets for people with diabetes. Try dark chocolate with walnuts. Can’t believe this is sugar free. They also create some of the best aesthetics I’ve ever tasted. I don’t mind buying anything else. They were generous by using checks and knew when I started going out of the box. How much money do you have to spend to get the chocolate you want? I’ve tried all of them and they have all brought me happiness. I can’t remember all the things I’m not satisfied with. Thank you all for providing an example. .

    Dark cocoa or dark chocolate can affect blood circulation. Numerous studies suggest that eating chocolate may lower the risk of heart problems and lower blood pressure in overweight and obese adults. Chocolate can increase cognitive ability. Chocolate cholesterol can lower cholesterol levels in adults. Although research has provided preliminary evidence that rohypnol and chocolate may inhibit the degradation of cholesterol, some of the findings from clinical trials are conclusive regarding such effects in humans. One study found that chocolate consumption is combined with a small mass index. Other possible side effects that are currently being investigated include primary anti-cancer activity, brain stimulation, cough prevention, and diarrhea.

    #2 Fried Chicken

    Chicken can be made in many ways … fried, stir-fried, with pizza, chicken, curry, sandwich, taco, fajita. You can add Chinese or Thai tea and place it on a fork. Here in America we have crazy things like chicken wrapped in bacon and melted cheese on a BBQ bun. It’s one of the best things ever!

    Chicken is another dish that I am writing about, here it is:

    Wow!
    I have a girlfriend!
    I love her juicy chicken!
    It turns out that it’s even cooler than bacon!
    1,000 meals of chicken no one can beat!
    You can also use butter!
    I love you all!

    #1 Pizza

    I love pizza. Every pizza in the world loves me. They think I am their God. They’ll think life is worth it if I eat it and nothing else. I’m fine being able to add anything to the pizza and make it delicious. And don’t let me give you an example. The idea of ​​pizza only makes me hungry, so it’s the best food ever.

    Pizza is the best food ever. Who doesn’t like pizza? If you don’t have it, you have: No brains, no foam, and you’re stupid. Friday night is pizza night. My people make pizza. Oh yeah, don’t take your heavenly home away from stupidity or anything, follow the main cheese.

    This is a poem I wrote about Pizza:

    X gon’ give it to ya (pizza!)
    Fuck waiting for you to get it on your own, X gon’ deliver to ya (pizza!)
    Knock knock, open up the door, it’s real
    With the non-stop, pop-pop of stainless steel
    Go hard, getting busy wit it
    But I got such a good heart
    That I’ll make the motherfucker wonder if he did it
    Damn right, and I’ll do it again (yeah)
    ‘Cause I am right so I gots to win