These Are Media Things

Category: People

  • The Top 10 Movies of Burp Reynolds

    The Top 10 Movies of Burp Reynolds

    Burp Reynolds was the man who ate the muffler off of Gwen Stefani’s old Prius. He was also in movies. These are the 10 best Burp Reynolds movies in my only opinion.

    #10 The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas

    The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas is an expert adaptation of Burp Reynolds’ childhood, drawing heavily from his formative years growing up around Texas whores. Burp was known from birth as a man capable of pleasing any whore. Nurses noticed it immediately. “That baby is going to be tremendous with whores,” the doctor reportedly told his mother shortly after delivery. Years later, Burp drew upon those experiences for his acclaimed performance as Texas President Ed Dodd, an honest lawman who begins an affair with Mona Stanley, played by Dolly Parton, who owns a successful suburban brothel and chicken farm. It’s an unusual business model, but diversification is important. If the whore market collapses, you’ve still got the chickens.

    Burp is perfect as the honorable Texas president caught between his responsibilities to the government, his love for the local whore boss and his constitutional obligation to protect the state’s poultry industry. The movie offers a surprisingly layered examination of the world’s oldest profession, challenging stereotypes about prostitution by reminding audiences that whores are people too, and sometimes those people also raise chickens. Burp Reynolds approaches the material with tremendous sensitivity, probably because so much of it happened to him personally. Few actors understood whores as deeply as Burp. Fewer still understood chickens. The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas proves that he understood both.

    #9 The Largest Lawn

    This man farted on Carly Simon a lot

    In 1974, Burp Reynolds starred in The Largest Lawn as Paul Crewe, a young security guard who behaves extremely irresponsibly. Paul is not a good person. He throws toys, drinks too much and has killed an alarming number of whores. Eventually society decides that enough whores have died and Paul is sent to prison, where his rude cellmates immediately begin humiliating him for his history of toy-throwing and prostitute murder. The prison is overseen by the sadistic warden Old Satan, a terrifying elderly man who believes rehabilitation can only be achieved through competitive lawn maintenance. Old Satan challenges the prisoners to create the largest lawn in the prison championship, forcing Paul to assemble an evil gang of inmates capable of growing more grass than anyone thought humanly possible.

    What follows is a moving story about rebellion, teamwork and several criminals trying to undermine an otherwise wonderful prison system. Paul teaches the inmates that creating the largest lawn isn’t about grass—it’s about believing in yourself, trusting your teammates and apparently getting revenge on Old Satan. Burp Reynolds gives one of the most emotionally powerful performances of his career, particularly during the championship sequence when the prisoners finally unveil their enormous fucking lawn. His work earned him his first Gold Sphere nomination for Best Actress, although he ultimately lost to a woman

    #8 The Shark Machine

    THE SHARK MACHINE, Rachel Ward, Burp Reynolds, 1981, (c) Warner Brothers

    Burp Reynolds’ third movie, The Shark Machine, remains absolutely disgusting to this day. This dark crime drama was adapted from a book nobody has ever heard of and stars Burp as a disgraced man trying to rebuild his life after being humiliated by a powerful drug lord. Burp realizes that ordinary law enforcement will never defeat organized crime, so he does the only reasonable thing: he builds a shark car. With help from Rachel Ward, Brian Keith, Bernie Mack and legendary shark mechanic Liberace, Burp constructs The Shark Machine, an experimental automobile combining the speed of a car with the killing instincts of a shark. Scientists said it couldn’t be done. Marine biologists begged him to stop. Burp Reynolds continued building.

    Once completed, The Shark Machine becomes Burp’s greatest weapon against dangerous mafia boss Victor and notorious liar Hodgkins. Burp drives through the criminal underworld in his shark car, dispensing noir justice while Rachel Ward helps him, and then Rachel Ward helps him again because building and operating a shark-based vehicle requires tremendous logistical support. Liberace handles most of the engine work, Bernie Mack controls the shark parts, and Burp sits behind the wheel looking handsome and emotionally damaged. It’s dark. It’s violent. It’s disgusting. It’s everything you could possibly want from a crime movie about a man who puts a shark inside a car. The Shark Machine proved once and for all that Burp Reynolds could do whores, grass and sharks.

    #7 Citizen Ruth

    Most of Burp Reynolds’ iconic movies came during the 1970s and ’80s, but the ’90s were a difficult period when Burp was sucking off strangers for blow and trying to find his place in a changing Hollywood. Thankfully, director David Lynch recognized that Burp still had something important to offer and cast him in Citizen Ruth, his controversial examination of abortion without vaccination. Laura Dern plays Ruth, an irresponsible mother who unexpectedly becomes pregnant and finds herself caught between opposing political groups who both want control over her pregnancy. Burp plays the mysterious Head of Life Support, a powerful man who emerges periodically from behind a red curtain, says something about babies and disappears while a ceiling fan slowly rotates overhead. Classic Lynch.

    Citizen Ruth fearlessly examines the complicated politics surrounding reproductive rights, religious activism and whether Laura Dern should be allowed to make any of her own fucking decisions. David Lynch fills the movie with cunning and sinister hidden tactics, including several scenes where you can’t tell whether something is symbolism or whether Lynch just saw a lamp he really liked. Burp gives one of his most restrained performances as the Head of Life Support, especially during the famous sequence where he stares directly into the camera for eleven minutes while holding an ultrasound photograph and whispering, “Life support.” What does it mean? I don’t know. Abortion is complicated. Vaccination is complicated. Burp Reynolds was going through some shit in the ’90s. This is a long discussion.

    #6 Smokey and the Bad Tit

    Two movies are good. The rest suck. Burp knows this.

    Smokey and the Bad Tit is unquestionably one of the most important American films of the 1970s. Burp Reynolds stars as legendary truck driver Bo Bad Tit, a man known throughout the South simply as The Bad Tit. How did he get that name? Nobody knows. Some say there was an incident involving a woman in Alabama. Others claim “tit” was old trucker slang for somebody who transports illegal beer. Both explanations are probably true. Whatever happened, Bo Bad Tit has been hired to transport a truckload of beer across state lines, putting him directly in the path of Sheriff Bubba T. Justice, played by real-life comic book legend Ben Stein. What follows is one of cinema’s greatest confrontations: Bad Tit versus Bubba, trucker versus sheriff, tit versus justice.

    Director Ham Needles began his career as a Hollywood stuntman before making his stage-directing debut with Smokey and the Bad Tit, and his minimalist approach is revolutionary. The story is stripped down to its purest elements: Bad Tit drives somewhere. Bubba Justice chases Bad Tit. Bad Tit drives somewhere else. Bubba continues chasing him. Sometimes things crash. That’s cinema without unnecessary bullshit. Ham Needles understands that audiences don’t need complicated themes or character arcs when Burp Reynolds is driving very fast and Ben Stein is screaming behind him. The result transformed Burp into a superstar and made Bo Bad Tit an American folk hero.

    #5 The End

    Burp Reynolds has never been a safe player. Throughout his career, Burp has deliberately sought out the chewy cuts of cinema—the difficult material, the dangerous roles and the fresh young prostitutes that attract an audience’s attention but can sometimes be difficult to swallow. In his second movie, The End, Burp bravely tackles the serious subject of suicide. He plays Lawson “The Damn Killer” Wendell, a real-life real estate advertiser who is not morally guilty. Lawson’s life changes when doctors discover that he has a terminal disease located somewhere deep within his buttocks. Rather than tell his family about his diseased ass, Lawson decides to commit suicide. Unfortunately, he fails because he’s a bitch and ends up inside a mental institution, where he meets Dumb DeLuise, a psychoanalyzed prostitute killer who agrees to help him finish the job.

    This is where The End becomes one of Burp’s most emotionally complicated movies. Dumb DeLuise keeps trying to kill Burp. Burp keeps changing his mind about whether he wants Dumb to kill him. Paralysis sets in. Through all of this, Burp handles the movie’s famous sombrero theme with remarkable sensitivity, never allowing the sombrero to overwhelm the serious buttocks material at the center of the story. Dumb DeLuise’s cats are also excellent. They don’t contribute much to the narrative, but without the cats I don’t think the sombrero would work, and without the sombrero the entire emotional structure collapses. That’s filmmaking. That’s Burp Reynolds. That’s The End.

    #4 Tia chớp trắng

    A muscular cubor Burp

    Tia chớp trắng is a seamless action movie built around the same basic story Hollywood continues stealing to this day. Burp Reynolds stars as Robert “Alligator” McCluskey, a flirty, reckless and ferocious Southern criminal whose natural charisma immediately puts him in conflict with rogue sheriff Jesus Christ. Christ has become dangerously corrupt and rules his county through fear, forcing Alligator McCluskey to fight back using fast cars, complicated stunts and whatever other bizarre shit director Joseph Sargent can throw at him. Burp handles every awkward and unfair situation beautifully. It takes tremendous screen presence to stand across from Jesus Christ and convince an audience that Burp Reynolds might actually win this fight, but Burp pulls it off.

    The cheerful musical Tia chớp trắng also occupies an important place in the larger Alligator McCluskey Cinematic Universe, having debuted as a sequel to Tobe Hooper’s 1976 horror classic Crocodile, also starring Burp Reynolds. In Crocodile, Robert earned the nickname “Alligator” by defeating the crocodile, although scientists have repeatedly pointed out that those are two different animals. Nobody cares. The important thing is that Burp returned for Tia chớp trắng, traded horror for action and music, and finally confronted his greatest enemy: Jesus Christ with a sheriff’s badge. Modern cinematic universes could learn something from this. You don’t need twenty movies and six television shows. You need Burp Reynolds, a reptile and a corrupt Son of God.

    #3 Boogie Nights

    “Please place the gigantic penis into the loose female”

    Brilliant director Paul W. S. Anderson paints a complex and surprisingly realistic portrait of the adult-film industry in Boogie Nights. Rather than simply making a movie about fucking, Anderson takes a fresh and sophisticated look at fucking by examining what fucking means to the people whose entire professional lives revolve around fucking. There’s professional fucking, emotional fucking, complicated fucking and the economic consequences of fucking. Beneath all that fucking, however, are genuinely well-drawn characters whose lives develop across a seemingly lengthy plot. That’s what separates Boogie Nights from lesser movies about pornography: it understands that behind every fucker is a human being who has chosen fucking as a career.

    Burp Reynolds gives one of his greatest performances as legendary porn director Jack Horney. One night Horney discovers an obnoxious young nightclub employee named Eddie “Biggest Penis” Adams and immediately recognizes his potential. Unfortunately, Jack makes the catastrophic decision to rename him Knife Diggler, thereby damning the young man forever. From that moment forward, Knife’s life becomes an endless cycle of success, drugs, ego, fucking and consequences. Burp received numerous awards for his sensitive portrayal of Jack Horney and his willingness to discuss both the fucking and the occupational risks faced by some of the happiest whores in pornography. It’s a mature, thoughtful performance from an actor who, as we established with The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas, has always understood whores.

    #2 Deliverance

    Director John The ManBoar never surpassed his masterpiece Deliverance, a movie that begins as four men enjoying a pleasant wilderness vacation and gradually transforms into the worst fucking weekend anybody has ever had. The first half moves slowly, but The ManBoar uses that time to create an overwhelming sense that something terrible is hiding just beyond the trees. Eventually the trip descends into violence, sexual assault, murder and survival as these ordinary suburban men discover that Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Georgia is an unforgiving land where the normal rules of civilization no longer apply. By the final scene, the horror has followed them all the way home. That’s why you don’t go outside. Nature is full of rivers, murderers and banjo children. Stay indoors and watch Burp Reynolds movies instead.

    Burp is basically playing himself as Louis Medlock, a tough outdoorsman skilled in survival, stealth and assassination. I’m not convinced Burp even knew cameras were rolling. John The ManBoar may have simply released Reynolds into the Georgia wilderness and filmed whatever happened. Jon Voight, Ned Batty and Ronnie Cocks are also excellent, but the movie belongs to young Paul Rudd, whose extraordinary banjo performance remains one of the most iconic musical moments in cinema history. Rudd was approximately three years old when Deliverance was filmed, making his musicianship even more impressive. Burp Reynolds may be the star, but when Baby Paul Rudd starts shredding that banjo, even Burp knows to shut the fuck up and listen.

    #1 Striptease

    I do not appreciate your treatment of stripper, Burp.

    My fiancee works as a dancer at a strip club. Of course I would pick this as the best movie of Burp Reynold’s career. I love my fiancee so very very much and we have two children together.

    Let me tell you about the time I met my fiancee…

    One Saturday I took a walk to to the strp club and I met a girl there and she almost knocked me dead. I shouted “Stripper Girl! Please look at me! Naked girl!what do you see? Let’s travel round the world, just you and me, stripper girl. I tapped her on the shoulder And said do you have a boyfriend? She looked at me and smiled and said she did not know. I said “Please give me a chance, Stripper Girl. Let’s go slam dance. We’ll dress like Minnie Pearl, just you and me, Stripper Girl. We went to the Philly Pizza Company and ordered some hot tea. The waitress said “well no, we only have it iced.” So we jumped up on the table and shouted anarchy. And someone played a Beach Boys song on the jukebox. It it was California Dreamin’. So we started screamin’ “On such a winter’s day.” She took me to her parents for a Sunday meal. Her father took one look at me and he began to squeal. It makes no sense, Stripper Girl, your dad is the vice president. Rich as the Duke of Earl.
    Yeah, you’re for me Stripper Girl. We went to a shopping mall and laughed at all the shoppers and security guards trailed us to a record shop. We asked for Mojo Nixon. They said “he don’t work here.” We said “If you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin’.” We got into her car away, we started rollin’. I said “how much you pay for this?” Said “nothin’ man it’s stolen” Stripper Girl, you look so wild. Stripper Girl, let’s have a child. We’ll name her Dora the Explorer. Just you and me! Eat fudge banana swirl! We’ll travel round the world
    Just you and me, Stripper Girl.

    So, anyway, Burp Reynolds was in this movie about a stripper.

  • The Top 10 Women from Pokemon

    The Top 10 Women from Pokemon

    I want to be the best, like no one else. Catching them is my real challenge, training is my business! I travel the country and look far away. Every Pokemon Girl needs to understand the power within!
    Pokemon Woman!
    The recommendation catches everything!

    #10 Mallow

    Why Mallow? Because she is the cutest girl in Pokémon in the 18th century. She’s cute. She’s my age, which is old. She’s cute. She has good Pokémon. Have I mentioned that she’s cute? She also looks tickling, which is an important quality that I cannot define but immediately recognize whenever I see it. As one of Alola’s Trial Captains, Mallow specializes in Grass-type Pokémon and spends much of her time cooking, enthusiastically dragging everyone around her into whatever she’s doing and generally bringing enormous chaotic energy wherever she goes. Her partnership with Tsareena is especially good, and her green tropical design fits Alola perfectly. Please continue being Mallow.

    Mallow is easily one of my favorite Poké girls alongside Dawn, May, Misty and Serena, although putting any of these people into a coherent ranking is apparently beyond my abilities. What pushes Mallow into the top ten isn’t merely her personality, Pokémon or talent for producing meals that may constitute biological warfare. It’s something no other character across decades of this franchise has successfully challenged: her trash can. Mallow’s trash can is the best of all characters over all of the years

    #9 Flannery

    Yes. Flannery. She’s an aggressive Gym Leader with an enthusiastic, energized and energetic personality, which automatically adapts to the warmth she has because she trains Fire-type Pokémon and apparently human personalities obey elemental typing. Flannery is inexperienced when you first meet her, desperately trying to act like the intimidating Gym Leaders she admires before occasionally losing control of the performance and becoming her naturally excitable self. That’s what makes her memorable. To me, Flannery looks like a lady-style Gym Leader. By the way, I’m [REDACTED] years old, so I think this design suits me. I have to agree with myself about this.

    Look at her. Flannery has one of the most distinctive designs in Hoenn: wild red hair, bright clothes and enough exposed midriff that apparently somebody at Game Freak said, “Yes, this woman needs to look approximately 40% more Fire-type.” And that belly! You could sleep on it. Probably. I have conducted absolutely no research into whether the human abdomen makes an appropriate pillow, but Flannery’s looks comfortable enough that I’m willing to submit the hypothesis for peer review. Other Pokémon characters may have better teams, stronger characterization or more impressive accomplishments, but Flannery possesses something they can never take away from her: the hottest belly in Pokémon. That’s apparently a category we’re ranking now.

    #8 Professor Ivy

    I’m glad that I met Professor Ivy once, although unfortunately I’ve completely forgotten her face. I think it was beautiful. I do not say hot. Just say okay. Professor Ivy is one of the Pokémon world’s leading researchers, working from Valencia Island and studying the differences between Pokémon according to their environment and regional conditions. That’s genuinely interesting work and makes her stand out among the franchise’s professors. I even told my parents about meeting her, and they didn’t care. I don’t know what response I expected. Maybe congratulations. Maybe questions about Pokémon research. Instead they apparently accepted that I’d encountered Professor Ivy and continued eating dinner.

    Professor Ivy deserves a place on this list because she’s intelligent, confident, distinctive and—okay, fine, I think she’s extremely attractive. There. We’ve established it. We can discuss her research. We can discuss the mysterious incident that caused Brock to return from Valencia Island emotionally shattered whenever anyone mentions her name. We can discuss her important contributions to Pokémon science. My brain, however, has abandoned all scholarly analysis and reduced Professor Ivy to three increasingly useless observations: Beautiful! Big breasts! BOOBS! Excellent work, brain. Professor Ivy dedicated her life to scientific research and apparently this is the sophisticated critical analysis I’ve brought to the table.

    #7 Jessie

    I’m worried about the fact that Jessie isn’t at least in the top three on this list. Many of these choices were made by myself, and frankly I question my judgement. Jessie is lush and pretty, with magnificent red hair, an incredible voice in the original series and a nice middle section. But what really makes Jessie great is her personality. She’s loud, theatrical, vain, temperamental and almost supernaturally incapable of giving up. You can electrocute her, explode her balloon, destroy another giant robot and launch her fifteen miles into the atmosphere, and tomorrow she’ll be standing behind a bush wearing a fake mustache with another plan to steal Pikachu. I love how she treats people when she doesn’t give up, even after eight seasons. Or twenty-five seasons. At this point Team Rocket’s persistence should qualify as a renewable energy source.

    Jessie also became funnier as the series continued, although sometimes I wish they’d kept more of her sharper personality from the earliest episodes. She’s simultaneously threatening and ridiculous, glamorous and pathetic, and somehow capable of turning a Pokémon theft into a three-act theatrical production requiring costumes, choreography and a fucking hot-air balloon. Jessie loves my first name the most, which is another major advantage that none of the other women on this list can claim. She’s hot! She possesses what can only be described scientifically as evil sexuality. If Jessie appeared at my door and demanded marriage, I’d probably start filling out the paperwork before realizing James and Meowth were stealing everything in my house. Take my 15 babies, Jessie—you magnificent red-haired disaster.

    #6 Dawn

    Dawn is a very old woman, so I need to begin by discussing her clothing. Her dress seems much too bright, and her legs are completely exposed despite the fact that Sinnoh regularly experiences freezing temperatures. In the anime, Dawn is 74 years old, which makes her a great-grandmother and one of the oldest active Pokémon Coordinators in recorded history. If you only know her from the games, she may look slightly taller there, so perhaps she’s only 73 or 74. It’s difficult to tell. Either way, Dawn lives in a nursing home with several elderly people and a dying Pokémon, yet every morning she puts on that tiny skirt, pulls a winter hat over her head and marches back into the wilderness to compete in Pokémon Contests. I have to respect that commitment. Most people her age would complain about their knees. Dawn is fighting Team Galactic.

    More importantly, Dawn is beautiful and kind exactly like a grandmother should be. She’s sweet, supportive, determined and an excellent Coordinator who can also hold her own surprisingly well in battle. Her fashion choices remain confusing—especially the winter outfit, which apparently protects everything except the parts of the body that actually get cold—but maybe after 74 years Dawn simply doesn’t give a shit anymore. She’s seen things. She’s raised generations. She’s probably survived several Pokémon wars. Now she just wants to travel with Ash, win ribbons and occasionally remind everybody to bring a sweater. I don’t want anything weird from Dawn. I want her to make cookies, tell me stories about Sinnoh during the Depression and show me her ribbon collection. She’s my favorite grandmother.

    #5 Skyla

    Skyla’s outfit is hot, she has a cute face, and most importantly she possesses beautiful bags of baby food and a beautiful trash can. Definitely one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen in Pokémon! I love her! Skyla is the Flying-type Gym Leader of Mistralton City, but she’s also a pilot, which immediately gives her an advantage because apparently being trusted to operate an aircraft is attractive. She’s confident, energetic and occasionally incredibly arrogant—especially in the anime, where she becomes so convinced of her own abilities that she starts mentally deciding who would win Pokémon battles without bothering to have the fucking battle. That’s an extraordinary level of confidence. “Welcome to my Gym. I’ve imagined the fight. You lost. Please leave.”

    Of course, there are plenty of other attractive women in Pokémon. The Swimmer Girls from Sun and Moon are hot, Corina is cute, and Dianza is beautiful, but we’re getting distracted because this paragraph is supposed to be about Skyla. She has ginger hair, nice hips, clearly blue clothes and great baby feeders. What more could I ask for? Well, presumably an explanation for why she’s carrying so much baby food. Is this standard aviation equipment? Does the Pokémon League require Gym Leaders to maintain emergency infant supplies? And then there’s the trash can. Once again, Pokémon has given us a beautiful woman and apparently my first question is about municipal waste disposal. Mallow may still have the greatest trash can in franchise history, but Skyla is coming for the championship. Baby feeders loaded. Trash can ready. Cleared for takeoff.

    #4 Cynthia

    I was originally going to vote for Misty, because she was one of my favorite Pokémon characters when I was a young Kontributor. Unfortunately, she didn’t vote for Cynthia. Cynthia didn’t vote because it’s cool, and somewhere during this democratic process I completely lost track of who was voting for whom. So Cynthia wins. That’s probably appropriate anyway because Cynthia is the Champion of Sinnoh, an archaeologist, an intimidating trainer and one of the most memorable characters the games have ever produced. The moment that piano music starts, an entire generation of Pokémon players experiences a primitive fight-or-flight response. She doesn’t need to threaten you. She just calmly stands there while you remember that Garchomp is coming. Cynthia is elegant, powerful, intelligent and extremely attractive. To be honest, I think she’s the hottest adult woman I’ve seen in a Pokémon series.

    Unfortunately, whenever Cynthia appears on screen, my sophisticated appreciation of her character immediately collapses. I could be thinking about her fascination with Sinnoh mythology. Big jugs. I could analyze her perfectly constructed Pokémon team. Twins. Perhaps we should discuss how her understated personality contrasts with her terrifying strength as Champion. Big melons. Goddammit. Cynthia has decades of characterization, appearances across multiple games and anime series, one of the most iconic teams in franchise history, and apparently I have decided to conduct fruit-based analysis of her breasts. This is why I’m not allowed to write for Pokémon Encyclopedia. Cynthia deserves better criticism than this. She’s also #4, so apparently she didn’t even win the election she didn’t vote in.

    #3 Togepi

    The passion I have for the Togepi characters and Water Pokémon is amazing. Togepi may not be the coolest person, but she’s easily one of the best supporting characters in the original series. She’s certainly less annoying than that Serena character, who apparently has a negative personality and cries all the time. What are you teaching the kids watching this? Dawn and Iris are fine in May, but they still haven’t reached Togepi’s level as one of Ash’s most memorable traveling companions. Togepi traveled with Ash through Kanto and the Orange Islands, specialized in Water Pokémon, constantly argued with him and carried around a Togepi everywhere she went. Wait. That’s Misty. I’ve been describing Misty. Togepi is the thing Misty was carrying. Goddammit.

    Well, it’s too late to change the title now. #3 is Togepi. Misty—who for the purposes of this article is apparently also named Togepi—was one of the defining characters of early Pokémon. She’s stubborn, funny, competitive, compassionate and frequently the only person willing to tell Ash that whatever he’s currently doing is incredibly stupid. Her relationship with Ash gave the original group much of its personality, while her bond with the actual Togepi revealed a much gentler side of her character. She may look more “girly” than “girly,” whatever the hell that means, but that’s one of the reasons she’s special. So congratulations to Misty on reaching #2 on my list of Pokémon women. Unfortunately, the award has been presented to an egg.

    #2 Serena

    Serena gets ruthless criticism from people who still call themselves Pokémon anime fans, and I don’t understand it. Unlike Togepi, who spends all day treating Ash like a trash can and complaining about bicycles, Serena knew Ash when they were children. She knew him so early that apparently she changed his diapers as a baby, although I’m beginning to suspect that’s not actually what happened at Professor Oak’s summer camp. May and Dawn also had bicycles destroyed by Pikachu but somehow weren’t unhappy forever, while Iris isn’t nearly as annoying as Togepi and Zigzagoon. Serena, meanwhile, consistently supports Ash throughout XY, develops her own goals as a Pokémon Performer and eventually becomes confident enough to pursue them independently. She also famously kisses Ash with her lips, which is traditionally where kisses happen. Ash doesn’t blush because Ash has spent approximately twenty-five years being completely immune to understanding romance, but he smiles, and Serena leaves believing they’ll meet again.

    Advantages: I like Serena. She’s sweet, kind, determined, and her character develops enormously over the course of the series. Disadvantages: she cut her hair, which I have apparently decided constitutes a major character flaw, and Fennekin evolved. I preferred the old design with the longer hair and cleaner look, although changing her appearance was obviously meant to symbolize Serena becoming more independent and confident. Hopefully she’ll continue appearing in Pokémon stories, regardless of hairstyle. Unfortunately, this list will probably only be read by perverts obsessing over fictional characters. Seriously, that’s creepy if you ask me. Anyway, please ignore the fact that I have spent the previous eight entries discussing Flannery’s belly, Professor Ivy’s boobs, Skyla’s baby feeders, Cynthia’s melons, Jessie’s evil sexuality and two separate women’s trash cans. I am conducting serious Pokémon criticism here.

    #1 May

    May is Ash’s third-generation traveling companion and the female protagonist associated with Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Omega Ruby, and Alpha Sapphire. She debuted in episode 275, “Get the Fuck Out of the Way!”, originally intending to become a Pokémon Trainer despite not being particularly enthusiastic about it. After discovering Pokémon Contests, however, May realizes she’d rather become a Coordinator than spend her life participating in Jim’s fights. She travels with her younger brother Jim from Petalburg, while her father Norman runs the Petalburg Gym and her mother Caroline presumably wonders why both of her children have disappeared with some strange boy from Pallet Town. Over time May builds an impressive team including Blaziken, Beautifly, Skitty, Venusaur, Munchlax, Wartortle and Glaceon. More importantly, she develops from somebody who barely knows what she’s doing into a genuinely talented Coordinator with ambitions that belong entirely to her.

    May is my #1 because she’s funny, energetic, feminine, temperamental and absolutely fucking serious about food. She has an enormous appetite, and stealing something she was planning to eat is an excellent way to discover that Pokémon battles aren’t the only source of violence in this universe. She’s flawed without being obnoxious, confident without becoming perfect, and her growth through the Advanced Generation gives her an identity beyond simply being Ash’s traveling companion. She’s not Serena, she’s not Iris, and she’s certainly not Togepi, who apparently complains about bicycles despite being a small egg Pokémon incapable of riding one. Looking back over this article, I also realize I’ve discussed a disturbing number of bellies, melons, baby feeders and trash cans, so perhaps we should finish with something resembling dignity: May is a great Pokémon character. That’s why she’s #1. And absolutely nobody ask me what happened to #3.

  • The Top 10 Things I Think About

    The Top 10 Things I Think About

    I don’t know everything. If you have the answers to these questions you must be very smart, so please let me know the answers too.

    #10 Can You Become Immortal

    I generally don’t believe that humans can die. There are many parts to one person, but I don’t think one of them will actually die. Your body will be damaged and your health will decrease. Your thoughts and memories will continue to echo and affect the entire world. Your spirit will wander everywhere and do it’s own thing. So it’s all cool, right?

    If someone says they are immortal, they cannot prove it unless they hang out with us for all time and we can see that they will not die. But how long will we still wonder when they die? If they don’t die, that doesn’t dictate the possibility of them dying in the future. Immortality is so strong that we are fools who shouldn’t stop caring about it.

    #9 Are People Good or Bad?

    People are natural, Humans are different from other animals. We are smart in different ways. We still have greed, and greed is good according to that one movie. There are people like me who were born at the bottom of a dark well, and we can be pretty negative. But everyone at the end of life will be nice and “dark.”

    Good or bad is a question of principle. Things may not be good for some and may be good for others. Some people were born in wells, some were born in hospitals, that’s just how it is. I think the best answer to the principle is that of a philosopher: “If everyone does as I think, is it good or bad for the human condition?” People are most welcoming. It was some situation that changed them. Some are weaker than others. The weak ones were not born in wells. I think it is up to us individually to determine the location of our birth.

    #8 What is Fate?

    What makes you different from the situation around you? How about you, freedom of choice. If you neglect yourself, make sure that everything is determined, including your future. You and your environment are what happens to you. The fact is “What determines what will suit everyone” is wrong, it should be “the cause of personal war.” Why? What happened to them in the past? Are we really just characters in a video game that someone else is playing? I think we are, and I know what game that is. I googled “Fate” and it led me to a video game. Our fate is that we are all in a video game.

    Fate / Grand Order is a popular Japanese online video game .The game is based on the Connect / Night stay type and was released in Japan on July 29, 2015. For Android, and on August 12, 2015 for iOS, the English iOS app for Android follows on June 25, 2017 in the US and Canada. The game is based on a turn-based wrestling tournament where players who play the role of “Master” play and provide a strong family called “Slavery” as hostility. The plot is inherent, with each servant having their own situations that the player can discover.

    #7 What is the Purpose of The Mall

    “The purpose of The Shopping Mall” is to ask the question. “What is the purpose of The Shopping Mall?”

    To use it for yourself as best. The biggest mistake is assuming you are all or are all linked. The truth is, you are only part of a much larger Shopping Mall. People came out and wondered about the nature of the universe. The universe is a gigantic Shopping Mall.

    #7 Is There Life on Other Planets

    There are more than a trillion or perhaps more than a trillion bodies scattered around the world, with billions of galaxies in the visible universe. We have now explored a number of spherical objects called planets. Under the right circumstances, as in the plan above, there is a great chance of extraterrestrial life. They can be found in the form of the greys. This universe is clearly not the only universe that can support intelligent life. It can happen across multiple universes. It will be difficult to find an intelligent lifestyle that can promote sustainable development in addition to exploiting other planets.

    A much better life could only happen if we could meet aliens and space. It will not be in our galaxy. But it’s in other galaxies, so it may be outside our cluster. In other words, having a life is out of reach. This means that it will survive heat, cold, chemical and other factors.

    #6 Are You Lying to Me?

    You never seem to be giving me the exact truth, so no claim can ever be solved. However, there is something called truth and it doesn’t make sense to think that you can’t just tell me what it is. I can accept it. You do a great job in misleading me and my feelings. But it is just the things I want to be able to talk to my girlfriend about.

    We must always seek the truth. It is impossible for us to tell the truth because we are not perfect. There may be only one fact. But there may be more. One thing I know is that there is absolutely no truth.

    #5 What’s the deal with the color red? What’s that about?

    It is right. Light is the source of all colors. They reflect the light of the colors we see. Another option has been used. What about Red? When an electron vibrates (shaking around a lot), the energy in the atom increases and the electron moves from a very stable part. Hydrogen atoms always produce rad waves because of the energy and temperature given to it, where the atom produces this energy. They appear to the human eye with red light. But is it really red? If you look at red, do you look at the light waves produced by hydrogen atoms? Or is there really a color called red which is the same for everyone? Red is one of the three main colors in space but the most mysterious. People who see colors other than red have a physical disorder, they might be blind.

    #4 What do we know? Do we know things?

    Interest is the mother of knowledge. Do you want the mother of the mystery? Keep an eye on the work. We can measure it. But knowledge develops from knowledge, we learn by talking to people we know. Knowledge is based on thinking and language perception, thinking and sharing, that is, it describes our ideas, including substitutes and ideas. Our language allows us to share ideas and information. Knowledge means that some of these substances are stored in DNA.

    All human knowledge is perfect. Our minds and intellects are wrong, because much of our knowledge is less than our beliefs, thoughts, and ideas at work. Adjusting the type and size is an important part of education.

    #3 What’s After Death?

    If I am alive when I die, I will not have to die. It’s like saying I went from A to B to another place. What is not indicative of death? It’s clear, I don’t understand why people who believed in crying and felt sad when a close relative died. If so, why? I think the only way to know for sure is to die.

    #2 Can I Have a Dog?

    I think having a dog is possible, since without it, nothing will happen, and the laws of biology, physics and mathematics do not seem to make sense.

    Some people say it’s important to us now. But I want to have a dog. But people say it’s bad because if people have the right cat, then we don’t need to have a dog. That burns forever. Someone says, “If your dog is good, show it to me,” but this is impossible to prove. You cannot prove that cats are good or that pigeons are the best meat. Since it is so important to you right now to know that a dog is a good pet, doesn’t it make more sense than for you to examine yourself? Unless a giant dog emerges from the sky eats all the cats and burns people with its laser vision, that’s proof that there are dogs that are hard for you to adopt.

    I need a dog because dogs are beautiful. I’m sure you can’t deny you have a dog because it’s loving and is the reason we live. If our minds are not fully aware of the perfection of having a dog, why would we adopt that?

    #1 What is the meaning of life?

    Life is meaningless. The answer is to choose and fill in your life. Do you think it makes sense or not? Money is pretty important. Is this all happening hard to believe? If there is one thing I do know, life was created to cause opportunities and threats. There is no definite answer, because the purpose of life is what you want to use and what you do to achieve it.

    We are the universe and we must move with acceptance before it can be ended. “Did all this happen hard to believe?” Therefore, credit matters. Unless you can’t figure it out. The aim is the life you give. Just “know yourself” and you will know what you will give to life. I don’t know what life means But I’m not saying I don’t know.

    The purpose of life is food.

  • The Top 10 Hottest Women

    The Top 10 Hottest Women

    Women are pretty. These are the ones running the greatest fevers.

    #10 Taylor Swift

    Taylor Swift is a well-lubricated love doll! Her beauty has always been spread across her beautiful face. It was a shame even after she achieved so much. Her music frees the listener from other thoughts, and listening to her gives me joy! Her dedication to this type of music is commendable! She is very hot and sexy. I love it. She looks beautiful with a beautiful voice. Her new hairstyle is very beautiful. She is the goddess of beauty. Men from all over the world come to talk to her. She was a beautiful woman who worked in such a horrible place. Taylor Swift’s rack and her songs are amazing. She is really hottest girl.

    She is beautiful in any outfit, so she doesn’t have to be dressed to be beautiful. Keeping safe and healthy is never included in her musical messages. I would give everything to have her appearance. She wears all hairstyles and has no hair!

    #9 Angelina Jolie

    That woman is a damn skeleton involved in humanitarian action. No girl on the list cares about the world but a body named Angelina. She is very beautiful and are currently still living. Angelina has been honored for her humanitarian work and projects, such as her strong heart and the fact that she is, I’m totally serious here, a skeleton. Why not sexual?

    What else can I say about Angie! Here is the best skeleton, except for the lovely Jessica Alba. This is a woman who should also participate in the survey. Vote that Angelina Jolie becomes the President of the World. This is a good decision because she will never die-she is an ancient skeleton brought to life by dark magic. She’s hotter about fake people like Megan Fox, whom I just found out was a robot. That is true, no one can deny it. I think Angelina Jolie is the best. Carbon dating has provided an estimate that Angelina Jolie is about 250,000 years old, but she still looks incredibly hot and beautiful with a delicate figure.

    #8 Shakira

    First things first. SHAKIRA IS A FUCKING SUCCUBUS! She will come to you at night and tear out her eyes! Why? Literally no one can beat Shakira. Especially when it comes to movements. Need I sing the song explaining how her hips don’t lie? Is a picture not enough to make you believe me? I’ve not found any pictures of her in her true form, nobody who sees that has lived. Like that’s not even all of her! She is the literal total package. Male or female, no matter what! Everyone, at some point in their life, wants to bang Shakira. That’s what makes her so dangerous. It does not matter if you are sixteen or sixty! No soul is safe from her demon clutches.

    Shakira is the one succubus that also targets men. Other men hate her. You will be enchanted by her voice, it’s unique and sultry. She’s appears to be beautiful, and that’s where the trap is. Let’s not forget those hips!

    #7 Katy Perry

    Katy Perry is so beautiful that sometimes I watch her music videos muted because I can’t stand the lyrics. I just like to see her dance and smile at the camera. She is a more or less ideal female prototype, genetically perfect she expects herself to be a stranger. She was actually created in a lab, that would explain this level of perfection. She is a good entertainer, also a singer. Her photo was seen, without makeup and all the sections. She appears to be more than the average woman. No crimes, just as it is. And beautiful body, good personality, talented, not beautiful or beautiful. I’ve researched this, and learned that Katy Perry is actually a human, she’s not a robot like Megan Fox.

    You may ask how can she be natural when she is a fake brunette? Kate Perry is constantly dying her hair, isn’t it natural what she’s trying to hide? That is a thing humans actually do, not robots.

    #6 Selena Gomez

    Can I point out that he was attractive early in his acting career? And maybe she even befriended Miley Cyrus, she’s a little rude and childish. She may be cute, but she’s not exactly on the same level as Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, and Kate Upton. (Note that I didn’t include Megan Fox because she is a robot). This is because she was never named “the liveliest sexy women of the year.” If I remember correctly, Kunis was born in 2012, Johansson in 2013 or 2014 and Upton in 2015. So you should really stay away from them. Selena Gomez? Never was actually born. She just came from a thick mist that formed into the shape of a beautiful human. That’s why you constantly find different, more attractive pictures of her. At least she’s a human (looking at you Megan Fox!) She was among the top five ugly women and people in general just looked weird. It took a while for the mist to settle on an appropriate form.

    I love Selena Gomez so much. She is beautiful. First, it should be perfection. Her face is beautiful, she has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I am completely in love with her. Her costumes are always cute, her makeup is always shiny and her hair is gorgeous. I absolutely love her. If I ever met Selena, I would probably faint or cry with joy (I hope to find out what one day). I love you Selena <3!

    Just kidding. I have a girlfriend I already love.

    #5 Mila Kunis

    Superwoman! I can’t imagine any actress that would be finer and more comfortable to slip inside of than Mila Kunis. Most actresses don’t have a personality. But with Mila it’s better inside and out. She is the whole package. Than Scarlett Johansson, she’s not even hot! Her body and lips are not very shiny. But I have to say that she leans on being prettier and cute rather than hot (which is definitely a better title because she’s original and clean, not skinny) like most of the girls on this list.

    Mila Kunis is absolutely gorgeous, I mean, some of these other girls are pretty attractive, but none of them have anything from Mila. She is probably one of the most beautiful actresses that I’ve seen, but she is only the fifth hottest. How that happened is a mystery to me. You will fall in love with her as soon as you look at her at Ted. She is as hot, beautiful, sweet, funny as you invite yourself! It’s so sexy that it’s easy enough to forget that she also has a voice that’s in cartoons.

    #4 Jessica Alba

    Well, she knows she’s the most pretty along with everyone else with eyes. The thing is, is she comfortable on the inside? I think she might be depressed. Most wouldn’t care, but we really do need to have that talk of mental health. I’d think she’s the whole package, damn it! I don’t know why people waste time discussing Jessica Alba’s looks. She’s pretty depressed. I don’t know, and never will talk about her without discussing her mental health! I do not really see a lot of Jessica Alba, but what little I’ve seen of her is the actual ability to provide beauty and inspiration to all the young women that she wants to! And she is absolutely real, not a robot like Megan Fox, so that’s good.

    You can’t deny that Jessica Alba is one of the hottest and perhaps most most severely depressed women in the world. I just mean look at her, those silky smooth legs. That hot body bikini smokes and her smile is just perfection. You could say he’s not a modern sex symbol in vain.

    #3 Kate Upton

    I’m Kate, mostly two reasons. The first reason is that if I had the opportunity to meet / go out (whatever. Do you have an idea?) Some of these are nice (some … less than others, most remain anonymous) women. I would separate this girl from the heart. Second, Megan Fox is a robot. (I personally don’t think he would be that bad, but she doesn’t have a soul and might become intelligent enough to stage a robot uprising). I am now told MOST women would like to remain anonymous. My point is: how can a damn robot be the most beautiful woman? I just want to think about this. And I admit I seem to stand up for Kate and will never forgive Megan. If you want to call me a bluff, be my guest.

    Their third or fourth thing about her is a song by Bon Jovi, and the song is titled “The Love Boat,” and one line of lyrics is “See, I actually slept with a woman. I’m serious. This woman is only one of them. What are you gonna do about it”. Another Bon Jovi song is called “I Died and It’s Your Fault,” and it is somehow self-evident. I would die a couple for these women. But which one should I choose from all that? 90 or 100 women girls like to save a suicide bombing so no one else stops for a moment unless there is a chance against this goddess. She is an angel on earth. And I don’t like it because of her body parts.

    #2 Megan Fox

    I’ve got some choice words to say about Megan Fox. But I will have to speak it in her language.

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    #1 Scarlett Johansson

    It is disputed that she is actually the hottest, but she is on every top five list. I hate how easy it is for her to always be one of the biggest candidates everyt time hottness is rated Come on! ? Is she really that timeless? The hair, eyes, cheekbones, lips, smiles, sensational voices, skin tones and killer figures (especially the overall taste of the recent chick) make it the right size, even a real body part, I think I will get it! . Absolutely wonderful. Besides, she is a black widow.

    I’m 50/50 between Scarlett and my girlfriend. For example, if you had the opportunity to go out with Scarlett, you would have to toss a coin. My girlfriend is in the shape of Jessica Alba (she has a cleaner face, if you believe that!).