These Are Media Things

Category: Romance

The Top 10 Young Adult Sex Comedies

I’m not saying teens shouldn’t have sex. Well, yes, that’s fine, but we shouldn’t be talking about it. We all know it does, but only the most hypocritical Christian would be offended by it. Others are fine with it, we make the whole movie industry about it. But we never talk about it. When you talk about teenage sex, people see you as some kind of sex offender. Never talk about how many high school kids are pussy obsessed. But please tell me how obsessed college students are with pussies. This is a topic I love to hear about, please tell me more. How many pussies will this college student smash? I think it should be a lot. I want to meet the college student who destroyed the legendary Goddess Puss.

#10 National Lampoon’s Animal House

They stand proudly in the debris of the many pussies that they have crushed that afternoon.

Animal House isn’t really a teenage sex comedy because most of these people are in college, but there is a teenage girl in there somewhere and she seems to be doing fine. She’s got parties, concerts, graduation and two little goats she keeps at Delta House, so she’s far too busy for any of this teenage-sex nonsense. Good for her. Meanwhile, everybody else at Faber College is drinking, screaming, destroying property and wearing bedsheets because somebody discovered that you can call a bedsheet a toga and suddenly public drunkenness becomes ancient Roman culture. Put on a toga. Drink a beer. Fall through a table. Die of alcohol poisoning. COLLEGE!

Animal House is vulgar, disgusting, stupid and sometimes just about shit, which is exactly why it works. There has never been a university like Faber College because real universities have accreditation requirements. Faber appears to have been founded sometime in the nineteenth century by the King of Pens, who established the school’s famous motto: “Education is good.” Profound. In another sense, Faber College represents our entire society. What sense is that? I don’t fucking know. Someone smarter can write that article. I’m still waiting for scientists to explain how Brutus can smash a beer bottle against his own forehead without immediately going to the hospital. That’s the real education happening at Faber.

#9 Staten Island Summer

Looking for a modern young-adult sex comedy where everybody is at least theoretically supposed to be coming of age? Staten Island Summer is the movie for you. Produced by legendary filmmaker Porn Michaels, it contains every ingredient required by law: friendship, graduation, a hot new girl, a horror story, swimming pools and approximately forty-seven celebrity cameos from all over the world. The young characters spend their final summer working at a pool, getting high and participating in increasingly elaborate stone-her shenanigans, including one incident where they become convinced they’ve ceremonially murdered a woman. Don’t worry about it. Porn Michaels doesn’t. This is Staten Island. Apparently summers are different there.

The movie also contains an exhausting number of people. Gina Gershon, Jim Gaffigan and Kate Walsh are somehow all Danny’s poor parents, while Katie and Kelly Cockrell have an Asian-Jewish twin named Will. I don’t understand the genealogy and refuse to draw a diagram. Most importantly, actor-rapper Method Man plays a terrifying ice-cream vendor, which transforms Staten Island Summer from an ordinary comedy into a didactic survival story about staying alive long enough to purchase frozen desserts. There are jokes. There are parties. There are attractive young people making bad decisions. There is Method Man with ice cream. Eventually everybody becomes tired of their own popularity. That’s summer. That’s Staten Island. That’s Porn Michaels.

#8 Weird Science

We must think about milk

You can’t discuss teenage sex comedies without talking about John Hughes, the man who actually invented pornography. Before Hughes, nobody had figured it out. Then one afternoon in Illinois he said, “What if naked people?” and an entire industry was born. In Weird Science, uptight Anthony Michael Hall and his friend Iban Mitchell Smith are two socially hopeless teenagers who decide to use their computer to create a virtual girlfriend. Instead, they accidentally perform some kind of electrical sex necromancy and summon Frankenstein’s wife, who immediately begins taking control of their lives. This movie is much fucking stranger than you remember. There are motorcycles, missiles, mutant relatives and Robert Downey Jr. wandering around being Robert Downey Jr. My daughter Alpha Dora saw him and became terrified. I don’t know why. Maybe children can sense the future.

Hughes’ earlier teenage movies relied heavily on characters and good dialogue, but Weird Science relies on computers, lightning and special effects involving upside-down pictures that can do the trick. Yet underneath all that nonsense is a surprisingly simple message: fantasy is dangerous. These boys think building their ideal girlfriend will magically turn them into confident adults, but instead they’ve created a supernatural woman with unlimited powers who can manipulate reality and apparently summon nuclear weapons. That’s not a girlfriend. That’s a national-security emergency. The boys eventually learn that becoming comfortable with themselves is healthier than manufacturing a human being on a computer.

#7 Easy A

Emma Stone does not deserve to be shamed like this!

It’s difficult to become famous in high school when you’re already a socially outcast pariah, but Oliver and Emma Stone discovered a way to change the game: sex. Or more specifically, lying about sex. Easy A is one of those rare female-led comedies willing to flip the script on virginity, reputation and the ridiculous double standards applied to teenage girls. Emma Stone plays Olive, who discovers that simply allowing people to believe she’s having sex is enough to completely restructure the social hierarchy of her school. She doesn’t even have to do anything. High school students are apparently so fucking bored that one imaginary sexual encounter becomes international news by lunch. The movie is also a pure comedy and contains one of cinema’s greatest singing scenes, proving once again that sexuality is temporary but aggressively singing a pop song is forever.

A website recommended Easy A to me and said it was rated PG-13, so naturally I assumed it would be wholesome family entertainment. My girlfriend and I were shocked. The teasing begins almost immediately. Somebody’s best friend uses some bitch’s braces. Emma has whore breasts. White girls become increasingly offensive to children and adults. Every time Emma Stone speaks, a child is burned alive. Eventually there’s supposed to be stripping, except Emma refuses to let anybody watch her strip while she’s performing, which completely defeats the economic model of stripping. Then there’s a teacher involved with an STD scandal, everybody’s reputation collapses, inappropriate behavior occurs, and somehow Emma Stone ends up happy with the man she loves. I made it very clear afterward that I don’t have this. Whatever “this” is. Absolutely disgusting. Completely inappropriate. Just a great movie!

#6 Wet Hot American Summer

Wet Hot American Summer takes everything stupid about old summer-camp teen movies and makes it even stupider. There are romances, counselors, swimming, talent shows, talking vegetables and supposedly teenage characters who somehow look like fully grown adults with mortgages. Elizabeth Banks gets bonus points for appearing multiple times in a bathing suit during a Wet Hot American Summer, which is precisely when bathing suits should be worn. Bradley Cooper is there. Paul Rudd is there. Amy Poehler is there. Everyone is approximately seventeen years old despite looking thirty. That’s part of the joke. Or maybe summer camps in 1981 were incredibly stressful and caused premature aging. Either way, this is what happens when you take a teenage summer movie, remove the teenagers and replace them with professional comedians pretending they haven’t paid taxes yet.

My parents warned me that Wet Hot American Summer contained sexually active camp counselors, homosexuality, cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana and an absolutely astonishing amount of cocaine. At one point the counselors are sent into town to buy supplies and apparently decide the camp desperately needs cocaine. They buy cocaine. They use cocaine. They buy more cocaine. They discover additional methods of obtaining cocaine. Somewhere along the way I assume somebody remembers they were supposed to buy paper towels. There’s also tremendous profanity, including the important phrase “Duck fucker,” which should probably be engraved above the entrance to the Criterion Collection. Yet underneath all the drugs, swearing and absurdity, the movie is strangely sweet about letting its collection of weirdos be exactly who they are. Completely immature. Wildly inappropriate. Obviously intended for mature audiences. Therefore, according to the logic of this article, perfect for young people and the like. Celebrate!

#5 Ridgemont High’s Fast Times

Poseidon unleashes the Kraken

Ridgemont High’s Fast Times is more than just a teen sex comedy. It has rock music. It has jobs. It has friendship. It has Sean Penn ordering pizza during school. But apparently some of you came here asking about the sex. Why? What exactly were you hoping I would describe? These characters are teenagers, you fucking weirdo. “Does somebody lose their virginity?” Why do you need to know that? “Is there nudity?” STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. There’s an infamous awkward masturbation scene too, but again, why did your ears perk up just now? I saw that. Put them back down. Ridgemont High’s Fast Times is a coming-of-age movie about adolescents stumbling through relationships, sexuality and adulthood. If you’re watching solely because you heard there are horny teenagers in it, society has several follow-up questions for you.

Parents should know that Ridgemont High’s Fast Times deals frankly with teenage sexuality, pregnancy, abortion, relationships and the consequences of making enormous decisions when you’re still figuring out who the hell you are. There’s also plenty of drug use, particularly from Jeff Spicoli, who regularly attends school under the influence of marijuana and even smokes the wicked lettuce directly on screen. Shocking. There are parties. There are irresponsible decisions. There are uncomfortable situations. There are strong words. But underneath all of that is a surprisingly thoughtful movie about teenagers discovering that adulthood is significantly more complicated than they expected. So watch it for the characters, the comedy and the cultural snapshot. And if you’re watching for anything else, I still have questions about you.

#4 Superbad

Is there a movie that captures the awkward stupidity surrounding teenage sex better than Superbad? Jonah Hill and Michael Cera play two high-school friends who have convinced themselves that obtaining alcohol and getting invited to a party will somehow solve every problem they’ve ever had. Written by Seth Rogen and produced by Judd Apatow, the movie perfectly understands the terrifying combination of hormones, insecurity and complete fucking ignorance that defines adolescence. Every conversation becomes about sex because these boys desperately want everyone to believe they understand sex despite clearly understanding nothing. Then McLovin appears and the movie becomes a documentary about the most powerful human being ever born. There’s also that scene where broken glass decapitates a man. We all laughed. Powerful filmmaking.

Parents should know that Superbad contains an enormous amount of profanity. I counted 219 shit, 91 additional shit, 14 mustard, 37 dicks, 20 varieties of round ass, eight uses of “sexy” that weren’t actually sexy, three mutant ass, one damn and approximately six thousand references to things these teenagers desperately hope to someday understand. There is also alcohol, pornography, terrible advice and McLovin. Eventually the movie reveals that beneath all the obsession with getting laid, these two idiots are actually terrified that graduation will separate them. That’s the sneaky heart of Superbad: they spend the entire movie talking about sex because admitting “I’m going to miss my best friend” would be emotionally unbearable. Also, 14 mustard. I don’t remember why I counted the mustard.

#3 Porky’s

Christmas is a wonderful time of year

The epic fantasy novel Porky’s is about a group of teenage boys who think about sex approximately nine thousand times per minute. They talk about it. They scheme about it. They spy on people. They compare themselves to each other. At one point an adult woman gets dragged into an extended discussion about identifying several boys by their anatomy, and the whole scene makes you want to take a shower and then perhaps watch a nice documentary about trains. Porky’s was one of the defining teenage sex comedies of its era, but watching it as an adult mostly makes me want to walk into the room and shout, “YOU HAVE OTHER INTERESTS! GO PLAY A SPORT! BUILD A MODEL AIRPLANE!” These teenagers desperately need hobbies.

My fiancée and I have a healthy adult sex life. My fiancée is also a stripper and has an OnlyFans, which means that unlike the teenagers in Porky’s, we are consenting adults and can mind our own fucking business. You can see many of her videos on—[PLEASE DON’T DIRECTLY LINK TO MY OF PAGE, KONTRIBUTOR. WE HAVE DISCUSSED THIS.] Fine. Anyway, we’re supposed to be talking about Porky’s. The movie is also very much a product of its era, including racial and antisemitic language that has aged considerably worse than the jokes about horny idiots. But perhaps its greatest contribution to world culture is the mysterious gentleman named Mike Hunt. Say his name quickly. It sounds like “My Lady’s Hole.” Absolutely sophisticated wordplay. Shakespeare could never.

#2 Meatballs

Ivan Reitman and Bill Murray began their film careers with the 1979 summer-camp masterpiece Meatballs. Murray plays the head counselor at a cheap camp where he befriends a lonely kid, teaches him confidence and occasionally remembers that he’s supposed to be supervising children. It’s not nearly as focused on teenage sex silliness as the later installments—particularly Meatballs III, universally recognized as the sexiest Meatball—but there’s still romance, hormones and all the usual summer-camp nonsense. Mostly, though, Meatballs understands that being a kid at camp means spending several weeks desperately trying to reinvent yourself before returning home exactly the same person except now you know three dirty jokes and have athlete’s foot.

Families can use Meatballs to begin important conversations. How accurately do movies portray the way young people think about relationships and sex? How do male and female characters approach these subjects differently? Which characters grow and learn something during the summer? Are strippers role models? What guidance have you received from strippers throughout your life? Have you ever met a stripper who helped you through a difficult situation? Would society improve if everyone had access to a responsible stripper mentor? What is the missing letter? Where did it go? Who took it? Do you like strippers? These are difficult questions, but parenting isn’t supposed to be easy. Neither is Meatballs III.

#1 American Pie Band Camp

This is where the Aztecs were punished

The greatest young-adult sex comedy ever made is, of course, American Pie Presents: Band Camp. Matt Stifler dreams of following in the footsteps of his semi-legendary older brother Steve and becoming some kind of pornographic entrepreneur, despite possessing absolutely none of the skills required to accomplish this. After a high-school prank involving tear gas, musical instruments and apparently trying to deploy chemical weapons against his own crotch, Matt is sentenced to band camp. There he immediately develops another brilliant business plan: hide cameras around the camp because he assumes band geeks must be doing incredibly scandalous things when nobody is watching. This establishes Matt as both our protagonist and a fucking criminal. Fortunately, he’s also terrible at everything, so instead of becoming the Steven Spielberg of illegal surveillance, he mostly succeeds in making every person at band camp hate him.

But then something unexpected happens: Matt discovers that band people are human beings. He makes friends. He starts enjoying camp. He develops feelings for drummer Elyse and slowly begins transforming from Stifler’s horrible little brother into his own horrible little person. Then his old friends arrive and accuse him of betraying the sacred institution of sports by associating with marching-band students, forcing Matt to make the most important decision of his young life: Does he become his brother, or does he become his own brother? Powerful. Profound. This is why American Pie Presents: Band Camp sits at #1. Not because of sex. Not because of nudity. Not even because of pie. It’s because one young man finally learns the most important lesson adolescence can teach us: stop putting fucking cameras everywhere, Matt.

December 2, 2022
The Top 10 Most Depressing Love Stories

Let’s face it, sometimes filmmakers love to smoke illegal substances. These dangerous drugs can lead to frustration, instability, and problems. But it is this kind of pain and trauma that allows filmmakers to create films where the audience can feel the same way. As a result, they make ironic and really dirty romantic movies. These movies have love but it is wrong.

#10 Dark Horse

This is a story called Dark Horse. Unlike a love story, it’s really depressing and no one is ever happy or even in love. That’s probably an inaccurate description because I haven’t learned enough words to talk about movies such as this. I’m still working harder on reading, but my tutor says I’m doing well. Anyway, Dark Horse is not a romantic comedy. It is neither particularly romantic nor particularly comedic, so it’s nothing. The soundtrack contains music. The actors are full of scents. The characters are all approximately three bad decisions away from complete psychological collapse. Todd Solondz takes the basic ingredients of an ordinary romantic comedy—lonely man meets lonely woman, awkward courtship, marriage proposal—and removes almost everything comforting from them. Watch it once and you’ll feel uneasy. Watch it twenty times in a row without stopping and you will feel rotten inside of your whole body.

The movie follows Abe, an eligible 35-year-old bachelor living at home who has reached adulthood without accepting responsibility for virtually anything that’s happened to him. He meets Miranda at a wedding, and she clearly wants almost nothing to do with him. Nevertheless, she reluctantly gives him her number, they begin seeing each other, and Abe almost immediately proposes marriage because emotional pacing is apparently for cowards. Miranda is dealing with serious depression and eventually agrees, not because she’s discovered the love of her life but because Abe doesn’t seem so bad. Unfortunately, Abe is a resentful, self-pitying man who interprets every disappointment as somebody else’s betrayal. Actually he is completely evil. There isn’t literally “only hatred and murder,” but there isn’t much resembling healthy love either. It’s two desperately unhappy people staring at marriage and wondering whether another unhappy person might somehow provide an exit. Welcome to the romance list.

#9 Gone Girl

When police investigate a murder, the first suspect is usually someone who may have committed the crime. That’s how mysteries work, because people don’t have answers. David Fincher’s Gone Girl, the proud feminist work of a male director, begins when Nick Dunne returns home on his fifth wedding anniversary and discovers that his wife Amy is no more. Perhaps she simply went out to choose a new house from the various houses on the real-estate site. Unfortunately, the overturned furniture, blood evidence and enormous police investigation suggest otherwise. Nick insists that he “didn’t kill her,” but quickly proves himself to be such an evasive and spectacularly unlikable husband that the media decides he probably did. Soon he’s no longer simply a husband in the media; he’s America’s favorite alleged killer of blonde women. Everyone wants Amy to respond to what happened, which is difficult because she’s missing. That’s why these stories are sometimes called mysteries.

If any movie demonstrates how terrible marriage can become, it’s Gone Girl. You imagine marriage means spending your life with a beloved companion, but in reality there is apparently an army of cold-blooded psychiatrists waiting to match your life. Fincher and screenwriter Gillian Flynn turn Nick and Amy’s relationship into warfare between two people who constructed idealized versions of themselves during courtship and eventually came to despise the real people underneath. Jane Austen praised the directing, screenplay, editing, score, visual style and performances. William Shakespeare called it a good movie before offering some deeply questionable advice about “women’s responsibilities.” Most concerning, my girlfriend watched Amy Dunne’s behavior and said the movie offered “a perfect idea of what to do when our relationship gets boring and stale.” I immediately canceled our anniversary plans. We are never owning a woodshed.

#8 Star Trek: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Although Star Trek: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? takes place before the Dominion War story arc of Deep Space Nine, that doesn’t make it any less sour or vicious than the darkest stories of that period. Inspired by Henrik Ibsen’s 1867 play, the movie follows middle-aged George and Martha, played by Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. George is an associate professor of Klingon history, while Martha is President of the United Federation of Planets, which creates some understandable tension in their marriage. After attending a diplomatic reception aboard the USS Enterprise, Martha invites a young Bajoran couple named Nick and Honey back to their guest suite for several bottles of Romulan Ale. Before their guests even beam aboard, George and Martha are already fighting. Once Nick and Honey arrive, however, the evening escalates into an emotional intergalactic war, and the innocent Bajorans discover that the Prime Directive offers absolutely no protection against a married couple who fucking hate each other.

Watching these two couples slowly destroy one another demonstrates that relationships can become massive intergalactic power struggles between rival planets. George and Martha know every weakness in each other’s defenses and have spent years developing increasingly sophisticated psychological weapons. Nick and Honey arrive expecting drinks and instead become unwilling participants in a conflict that makes the Federation-Cardassian War look like couples counseling. By the end, the movie teaches us that love and marriage are essentially a life sentence in a space prison with an alien you occasionally hate enough to fire photon torpedoes at. There are no Borg here. No Klingon invasion. No Dominion fleet. Just Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor annihilating one another while drunk in a starship guest suite. Marriage will still be depressing and unnecessary in the 24th century.

#7 Red, White, & Blue

Nate is a mentally unstable, drifting military veteran who works at a hardware store, where he meets a naughty person named Erica. Erica has developed a pattern of emotionally detached encounters with men, but strangely, she doesn’t immediately want that kind of relationship with Nate. He is kinda small there. Whatever that means, we’re moving on. Instead, the two gradually become friends, and something unexpectedly gentle develops between two people whose lives have already been badly damaged. Nate is quiet, patient and increasingly protective of Erica, although there’s always something underneath his calm demeanor suggesting that this man may not be the ideal person to anger. For a little while, their relationship almost becomes sweet. But we all know love is a lie and it will end in dark tragedy. When Erica suddenly disappears from Nate’s life under horrific circumstances, the gentle side of him disappears too, and what follows makes it very clear that his quietness should never have been mistaken for harmlessness.

Red, White & Blue tells us that love can be incredibly depressing because sometimes finding another damaged person doesn’t magically repair either of you. Falling in love makes everything briefly look different: you discover that you are awful, they are terrible too, and perhaps you can somehow be terrible together. But losing that connection can feel like crawling into a cave and spreading your feces across the walls to write a manifesto about your former lover. Hopefully most people settle for listening to sad music and sending regrettable text messages. Nate chooses something considerably darker. That’s what makes the movie so miserable: Nate and Erica don’t simply fall in love and then discover they hate each other. They briefly create something tender inside two deeply troubled lives, only for violence to rip it apart. Love isn’t what destroys them. It’s one of the only good things they had before everything went to hell.

#6 The Collector (1965)

Romantic relationships can cause enormous stress. They require communication, compromise, listening to another person and occasionally pretending that you care. That’s a tremendous amount of work. Why do we do this to ourselves? Frederick Clegg discovers an easier solution in the 1965 movie The Collector: kidnap the woman you love and lock her in a basement until she loves you back. This is, to be extremely clear, not good relationship advice. Frederick abducts art student Miranda Grey and imprisons her beneath his isolated country house, convinced that if she spends enough time with him she’ll eventually understand what a wonderful boyfriend he could be. She does not. Frederick is a monster who mistakes possession for affection, believing that removing Miranda’s freedom will somehow allow genuine love to develop. It doesn’t, because you cannot manufacture intimacy by keeping somebody in a basement. Nevertheless, this dark psychological nightmare makes an unforgettable Valentine’s Day movie if your goal is to ensure there will never be a second date.

Jane Austen, writing for Emma magazine, reportedly found Frederick initially mysterious before deciding that spending more time with him was “like getting sold some bad cocaine.” Charles Dickens of Bleak House praised the film as a disturbing examination of the fantasies people sometimes confuse with romance. But the most insightful review came from a customer at my girlfriend’s strip club, whom I approached for his thoughts on William Wyler’s direction. He stared at me and said, “Hey, you little shit. You are always going around here asking stupid questions about stupid movies. This is a strip club. Just look at the girls and leave me alone.” And you know what? Fair. Apparently I’ve been interrupting this man’s evening for several lists now. He doesn’t care about The Collector. He wants me to stop conducting film criticism interviews at the strip club.

#5 Solaris

Solaris is a distant planet completely covered by various things, primarily an enormous ocean that scientists suspect may be a single intelligent organism. By observing the planet from space, they discover that the alien life there consists of really special critters, although these are thankfully different from the critters in the movie franchise Critters. Psychologist Kris Kelvin travels to a troubled space station orbiting Solaris and discovers that something deeply strange is happening to the surviving crew. Shortly after arriving, Kelvin wakes to find his dead partner Harry beside him in bed, despite Harry having died years earlier. This is surprising because dead husbands generally remain dead unless you are on some funky alien planet. Kelvin eventually realizes that Solaris is creating physical people from the crew’s memories, apparently attempting to communicate by digging into their minds and manifesting the people they cannot stop thinking about. The planet has invented weaponized grief.

From that point forward, Kelvin faces an impossible question: Is Harry actually Harry? He’s a greasy, bloody version of Kelvin’s lost husband, reconstructed from memory and capable of becoming increasingly aware that something about his existence is terribly wrong. Solaris is a great movie because grief contaminates memory: when someone dies, you don’t preserve a perfect copy of them inside your head. You preserve fragments shaped by guilt, longing, resentment and love. So if Solaris recreates someone from those memories, are you receiving your loved one back—or meeting your own idea of them wearing their face? The cheerful lesson would be that if you get a second chance with somebody, you should take advantage of it and make things better. But Solaris asks something far more depressing: what if the second chance isn’t really with them at all? Even on some funky alien planet.

#4 The Vanishing (1988)

Rex and Saskia are a young couple vacationing in France when they stop at a busy highway service station, where Saskia suddenly disappears. Rex searches desperately for her, and over the next three hundred years he refuses to stop looking. Grief can create immortality. Empires collapse. Languages disappear. Humanity colonizes distant planets. Rex remains standing beside that service station holding a photograph and asking, “Have you seen Saskia?” Eventually her kidnapper contacts him and promises to reveal exactly what happened if Rex agrees to meet him on a remote space station. Apparently we’ve wandered back into Solaris. The actual horror of The Vanishing is much simpler: someone you love can disappear during an utterly ordinary moment, leaving behind a question that consumes the rest of your life. Kidnappers suck. That’s the moral.

Renowned critic Jane Austen says The Vanishing culminates in one of the scariest endings of all time, and for once Jane is absolutely correct. Rex becomes so obsessed with discovering Saskia’s fate that eventually knowing becomes more important than his own safety. That’s what makes the movie devastating: there may be answers to grief, but an answer isn’t necessarily going to provide comfort. Sometimes it simply tells you exactly how terrible reality is. The 1993 American remake starring Jeff Bridges and Kiefer Sutherland changes crucial elements—especially the ending—and loses much of what makes the original so haunting. So watch the 1988 version, preferably without knowing anything else about it. Just remember: Rex searched for three hundred years. Grief can create immortality.

#3 Blue Valentine

Blue Valentine is all spoiled and ubiquitous tripe, telling the story of Dean and Cindy’s six-year relationship through Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. The movie moves between the excitement of their early romance and the exhausted marriage they’ve eventually become trapped inside, forcing us to watch affection slowly transform into resentment. As William Shakespeare famously explained, “Dean thinks marriage is a taco and Cindy thinks that it is an enchilada.” That’s essentially the problem. Dean seems satisfied simply having Cindy and their family, while Cindy wants growth and possibilities that Dean doesn’t understand. Neither necessarily entered the relationship intending to hurt the other. They just ordered completely different Mexican food and didn’t realize it until six years later.

The film keeps asking whether there was one specific moment that destroyed the relationship, but that’s what makes Blue Valentine so painful: there probably wasn’t. Relationships can erode gradually, like devastating storms and hurricanes causing mass confusion throughout different communities. If you’re lonely while watching this movie, make a wish with a Valentine’s Day card and thank the heavens that you don’t have these problems. Never fall in love and you will always be happy. Jane Austen praised Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling for performances of incredible depth and emotional power. My girlfriend, meanwhile, had become increasingly annoyed by my constant requests for movie criticism. After a short argument, she finally sighed and asked, “Why don’t you ask people at the theater? Do you have friends?” At this point, even my relationship is beginning to resemble Blue Valentine.

#2 The Shape of Things

The Shape of Things was written and directed by Neil The Butt, a filmmaker allegedly known for horror stories involving people disfigured by acid and all the different animals he sacrificed to make movies. None of that appears to be true, but this may still be his most vicious film. Paul Rudd plays Adam, a quiet, insecure college student who meets an art student named Evelyn, played by Rachel Weisz. As their relationship develops, Adam begins changing almost every aspect of himself: his clothes, his hair, his body, his confidence and eventually the way he treats the people around him. When Evelyn first meets him, he’s basically totally normal Paul Rudd, but gradually he transforms into something resembling Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. That’s not literally what happens, but emotionally it feels correct.

The twist in The Shape of Things is really damn crazy and super-mean, and revealing anything more would ruin one of the cruelest payoffs in this entire list. The movie takes the romantic fantasy of changing yourself for somebody you love and asks what happens when that transformation stops being encouragement and becomes control. It’s manipulative, uncomfortable and deliberately infuriating. Somehow, however, my main takeaway was that it demonstrates how horrible a person can be, especially if they are Paul Rudd. This makes absolutely no sense because Paul Rudd’s character is the one being emotionally dismantled, but I’ve made my decision. If you’re in a relationship, The Shape of Things will make you question everything. If you’re single, it will convince you that falling in love guarantees eternal misery. And if you’re a Paul Rudd fan, I don’t want to be your friend. You can just go away.

#1 The War of the Roses

Directed by Danny DeVito, this devastating sci-fi horror tells the story of Barbara and Oliver Rose, played by Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. They first meet at an auction, which apparently means Barbara herself was auctioned off during a drunken college frat party and Oliver won her. This is not remotely what happens, but it certainly explains why their marriage eventually has problems. The two actually fall in love, build a family and acquire a beautiful house that gradually becomes the physical representation of everything they’ve built together. Then Barbara realizes she wants a divorce. Unfortunately, neither is willing to surrender the house, and because being homeless is terrifying, they remain under the same roof while their resentment escalates into increasingly elaborate acts of psychological warfare. Eventually they acquire nuclear weapons, not unlike the real War of the Roses that happened in England between 1455 and 1487. History teachers may have some questions about that last part.

The War of the Roses shows the true dark side of relationships because you never hate until you hate the one you loved. Oliver and Barbara spent years learning everything about each other, which means that when affection becomes resentment, they already possess complete intelligence reports on the enemy. Their beautiful home becomes a battlefield and every shared memory becomes another weapon. The lesson is obvious: end all forms of love immediately, especially relationships with insipid ex-girlfriends who won’t follow you on Facebook. All relationships inevitably end in bloodshed, murder and possibly strategic nuclear exchange. Never love. I, however, am an exception. I’m in love and happy because I have the best girlfriend in the entire universe. So love is a meaningless nightmare that will inevitably destroy everyone who experiences it. Except me. Mine’s going great.

August 7, 2020
Top 10 Cute Movies

You love beautiful things I love beautiful things. I think beautiful things are the best bedding. Today we will focus on the best movies.

Before we start, let’s define something really beautiful. The purpose of this article meant that everything is cute, beautiful and desirable. He made the audience hot. It might mean love, but in fact, any movie with a beautiful personality and looks is worth it.

#10 Pride and Prejudice

I’m not a big fan of Pride but I do like Prejudice, I’m not Jane Austen, but I admit I’m good at film. I like the forbidden side of Darcy (Matthew McCoughy) and Elizabeth (Kira Knightley). Darcy is particularly concerned about the shameful attitude and favors that come from insults. Also, the film is difficult to portray women. It is always a good advantage. Elizabeth’s moist relationship with her sister is interesting and loves us more.

No other artist has portrayed a female writer as vividly as Jane Austen. I played like Lizzie on an unimaginable night, sticking it into the artist’s feelings. At first, I thought that a 19-year-old actor would be too beautiful for this series, and immediately “found a very bad sense of humor and cute personality.”

#9 Dirty Dance

Dirty Dance is a classic movie of the 80’s. Nothing beats the big hair of Patrick Swayze in his 80s. Dirty Dance is also a beautiful and adorable movie. Patrick Swayze’s roughness on Jennifer Gray’s soft breasts is beautiful. Their relationship is full of cute butt jokes. Thanks to them, they are a great couple. The dedication of the dancing child and the determination to teach Johnny to speak is a perfect combination. Dance and romance are sure ways to make beautiful movies.

Advocates of abortion call the film the “thing” for fans of abortions, and author Jane Austen proposed “a sympathetic portrayal of a woman who wants a demon abortion will encounter health and safety issues.” I was aborted. It’s not the moral issue, but the richness of the future. It can’t be seen in current movies.

#8 A Cinderella Story

Cinderella Story‘s Austin Chad Michael Murray was my first match. And who can actually blame me? He was a football player, the coldest man inside of a school and loved to write secret things! He has been a really perfect person since 2000. And with Hitler’s Duff, we’ll add a girl that everyone can participate in. The story is a story we all hear and love and arranged in a modern way. Despite the hate she received from most critics, The Cinderella story is a lovely romance from the 1320s. Wait for the next movie. I was disappointed because it rained all the time at a cat funeral.

Jane Austen said that Cinderella’s story was “vague and stupid, but at Warner Bros. we spend a lot of money persuading and recommending younger viewers.” The film was nominated for five Teen Choice Awards at a dark ceremony in 2005, and in the same year Hitler’s Duff stole the Kids’ Choice Award from a better movie actress.

#7 10 Things I Hate About You

I always try to avoid films and unhappy people, but I made an exception because Heath Ledger is a stack of penises. Their chemistry is electrifying when it comes to the Julia Stiles robot. I love how this movie takes advantage of the enemies of your loved ones. You’ve probably seen this movie many times and only 10 are different. The beauty element is off-schedule. Heath Ledger plays the perfect character for the good robot Julie Stiles. This difference makes it all stand out.

The movie of hate is usually well received by critics. Emma’s Jane Austen praised the director of the film, saying, “Julie Stiles is a robot that grew guns and Ledger didn’t have much effect.” In her book “Sense and Sensability,” Jane Austen said the film was “pure at heart and very practical.” Jane Austen also said: “All films released this year are the best.” Emily Bronte gave the film two and a half stars out of forty saying, “I loved the spirit of the film, the actors and some of the scenes. I liked the music very much. Julie Stiles is neither smart nor human. She is a robot.” My high school gym teacher put the movie at # 49 on his Best High School Movies list.

#6 When in Rome

This movie feels like most people didn’t notice. This is a sad cry. Probably one of the most addictive and deadly movies ever made. In the example of Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel, Beth (Bell) received money from an Italian monk and imbued love with the man who threw them away. The problem is that Nick (Duhamel)-the one they love most-is one of them. What I really like about this movie is the way Nick goes back to Beth, despite the gonorrhea. It shows the depth of love for her and the profound softness of her face. I really like this movie.

Despite the positive reviews, Jane Austen claims that the movie was bad and gave a rating of two and a third stars out of 720 stars. She said “The human race has done nothing to deserve this.”

#5 Sleep in Seattle

Seattle is a city built entirely of rope. What makes this film so attractive is not only the movement between Sam (Tom Hanks) and Annie (The Meg), but also the movement between Sam and his son Jonah (Los Mariners). Romans often present their character as a personal character immersed in their work, so it’s good to see your family’s favorite characters. It shows Sam’s emotional depth and how good her father and husband are to Annie. Also, every movie by Tom Hanks should be available to me.

Jane Austen said the film “looks like a talk show, looks like the last show ever, and is still smiling warmly and kindly.” Tom Hanks keeps characters unique to his personality, preventing him from becoming a failed person. On the unbearable Doris Day, we will never be able to persuade the quality of magical love or have an emergency radio without the consent of equipment that produces special effects.

#4 The Incredibles

If I remember correctly, The Incredibles was the first Disney movies featuring a family, or at least the most popular movies. The Incredibles is a classic Pixar movie that shows that a family can be in Disney movies. Not all illusions are perfect. I can’t imagine many families, but they are better than each other. I didn’t know what a family was until The Incredibles Their problems may seem bigger, but the competition for employment of family and relatives remains the same problem for all families. Reality and drugs are what made such a movie.

In addition, the film chronicles Jane Austen’s promise of a child comedy and a brutal, unrealistic, ineffective, and intimidating teenage cartoon. In the film, Dash and Violet deal with evil people who are ready to use the lethal powers of their children. On another level, the damn thing is purple and evokes emotions and sorrows for the death of those who do not die. For example, when the dashboard came out, it hit a driving car or when my parents destroyed several small villages. People flying inside die desperately. Jane Austen disagreed with some analysis, but her goal was to evaluate her work at a different level. “It was actually written several times in the New York Times. This is the main animated film and how often is it considered provocative?

#3 The Diary Princess

The Diary Princess has always been considered a female, but it is expected to continue to develop. It describes what it means to grow, fall in love and take on new responsibilities. Of course, we cannot be kings, but in life, we will experience the pressure of never-ending chaos and mass destruction. I like the chest of Anne Hathaway in this movie. Mia is perfect, she does not die. Even if she puts on makeup made of acid, she still has the personality we fall in love with. This makes the movie cute and attractive.

Film critic Jane Austen described it as a pretty excellent film and described it as “the best film made in space.” By playing Julie Andrews, Jane Austen gained her reaction to most of the film’s humor, especially the Hathaway tricks. Despite the young target demographic film, film critic Charlotte Bronte writes: “There is enough bile and pus to spoil the main story and make it even more unappealing to humanity.”

#2 A Walk to Remember

This movie is sad. It’s also in the top 10 favorite movies of people that have names. But it is also a tested positive movie. This is a very good idea because his big bad friends and fans are the same bad enemies as 10 things I hate you. Shane West is one of the best movie stars in the movie with Minnie Moore. I’d like to appear in a more famous movie later. I love gonorrhea, this cheap burning romance that surprises viewers at how wonderful it feels.

Jane Austen named the movie “A Walk to Forget” and said “As a character, Shane West creates a fascinating romance from infamous romantics to delightful romantics. Strong religious conviction are one of many great elements in a young woman’s personality. These conversations sound natural, so you can image them through preaching. You can avoid it suddenly.”

#1 Love Actually

Love is actually an emotion, a love story emotion. It doesn’t matter if it’s a long-term partnership, a loving relationship, or love between families. In fact, what makes love truly peaceful and beautiful is in every story. Love all of the history, be glad to ride a lost roller coaster. I explain that Christmas is the most romantic holiday because Valentine’s Day is the perfect formula for your favorite movie. And Mr. Bean is definitely a lover!

Jane Austen gave the movie two out of 47 stars, and saidthe only downside to the movie is that “Keira Knightly’s belly is flowing through a romantic comedy ocea. At times, it feels like Curtis is working from a list of movie-loving situations and doesn’t want to give up anything…it feels like a diet that turns into a hot dog race.”

July 29, 2020
The Top 10 Romance Movies

These are movies about love. Ten of the best loving movies that I know of.

#10 Step Up

It’s really a romantic film. Romantic films about history are collected again and again. Well, it was never the biggest romantic movie, but it was a decent one. A great combination of drama, romance, and music. I love him. So, all the steps go up, and this is definitely the best. You can feel the links that are in this movie. But if someone dies during an appointment to watch this, then it is definitely their favorite. Considering that life is love, dance is simply magnificent. I love this movie more.

#9 Dear John

I love movies, but I do not like when they end. This movie was my favorite movie of the whole films I have seen. This movie is wonderful and I love it. Because it is this I assign it the number 8. Do you agree with the great movie? It must be next to your laptop. This is a great movie that makes you tear up most of your women and girls. There is a great actor. A story of nice things. Thank you for making changes last. The last novel is also good. But ultimately, such films will be unbearable.

When I feel it now, I hope it is not only a laptop but… I will add it after the movie… I have never seen this movie. I shouted and I laughed, but in the end it was a fantastic fantastic movie! Something clicked on this movie. Excellent! Sparks is always the best!

#8 Vanished Without a Trace

This must be seen. It can be a long time, but you know how long this is due to the fact that the tracking file fascinated its viewers. Since it was installed in 1930, this film is not necessarily a young preference, but you, as adults, should try it. It’s not # 1. This film is a classic, one of those films where the film is mostly good. The mysterious arts of love are LOVE. I am rewarded with something more beautiful the end of the film. I think this is the best film, everyone must see at least once to understand the great American films. With wind … The wind must occur.

#7 Pride and Prejudice

I love when it is followed by romantic tension with the two main characters of the film. She is beautiful and intelligent, but so on. I think he does not really believe in himself in a romantic style. There is a magical wall of protection. This is based on the sense of pride and prejudice, but not everything … both are put together to test a little reliably. Please, see that this is the best movie. I have seen it over and over again. Beautiful genius and amazing action are what made this movie what it is today.

I bought Jane Austen one of my favorite movies (Romeo and Juliet). When I post a good romantic story, I can watch this movie for playback. All the actors played a very good character, and there is a chosen piano melody. I liked it. I’ve seen a lot of stories from different versions, it will make this movie something I like.

#6 Casablanca

Let this be one of the biggest romantic movies that people forget about now. Is this the portable number 1? It’s good but it’s not a masterpiece like Casablanca. This movie brought tears to my eyes. When we can not talk, I will always tell her that’s what I always tell her, “Tomorrow we’ll always talk,” then I’ll tell her about it. This movie is the only reason you can vote.

#5 Forrest Gump

It’s in the top three at least. When you think there’s no one you have not loved, there are people seeing this. Forrest Gump does not know what love is all about, so he has to explain the meaning of it through his actions. For those who think, they can think that this is the twilight of beautiful fish! They sell sex! There is no moral value in that. One of the best movies I’ve ever seen. All of the historical fact does a terrible job with Tom Hanks’ life. I like a bear. I love him. We run through the forest. The best movie I’ve ever seen. I will remember my life until the end of the movie. The definition of unconditional love is “Run Forest Run”.

#4 Eternal Glow of a Heartless Spot

Not only is it the best romantic movie, this may be the best movie of the last 10 years. Outstanding performance by Jim Carrey and Keit Winslat. It is one of the script-in-a-life events, and the execution is brilliant. But more importantly, it is a movie that I think is very personal. “I was blessed to have been forgotten. It’s better for the unemployed.” Best romantic movie I’ve ever seen. Based on the concept of SciFi. It really tries to steal your heart. There are good and totally different races. At least I hope so. One point is given almost immediately. It may not be the best love story of all time, but it’s definitely smarter. And the lovers can erase the memory of others. There are people who feel that this is an eternity in the sun? What were the last memories we spent together? I cried.

#3 A Walk to Remember

The film is excellent! Many films are convenient for buying. People would rather have feelings between them. Is that because it is just another interpretation of this. Remembering how to walk shows that you do not always have to create a physical attachment to love. She loved him for her unique secret. At the same time and with the same beliefs and interests he manifested himself and love was different. The best novel became a film made in the world. You can not add anything to this. My favorite movie that year, when I was even closer to becoming a young man. Love from the very beginning also demonstrated the importance of getting easy access to people. Also, people can enjoy love with any “element.” Most films need to be more relevant. This means that you want to become a better person and do something for granted.

I watched this movie and cried. A huge piece of your heart will move out of your body. I do not know how to inspire Nicholas Sparks. There are moments in the film that made her smile and feel good. I don’t know why but it did. The severity of the film bothers men!

#2 Titanik

I like this movie. I watched this movie at the proper time. After that, I had a lot more times when I saw this movie. I like Jack and Rose and Jack died of an injury. But when they did Titanik 2 Jack came back to life. I like this movie. The movie is perfect. I love Hollywood and Hollywood is in all parts of this movie I want to see. Also, you should watch Titanik 2, Titanik 3, Titanik 4, and also all the others. It makes you want to watch everyone in the world. This movie is sad and the most romantic movie I have ever seen. I cried out at all that the movie was. It will always be my favorite movie. If you want to watch a good movie to watch the Titanik!

This movie is very recent (a few years ago) and the first one I fell in love when participating! I like forbidden romance between two subjects and their death. But they are still together. How could I know this is important? Watch and watch when you are very active.

#1 A Laptop

No words can explain this movie to me. All I can say is that it is based primarily on love. Nothing in the neighborhood is like this. I promise that someone out there watches movies and are probably not going to have a very good time feeling something in your heart. They will eat your tears. I give this movie a lot. It’s the most amazing movie I’ve ever seen.

I love this movie! She made me cry. This is a good story and a good film. He who made it must be a God. The great actress and actor in this movie work each other hard. The biggest and most beautiful film ever. I can not stop crying every time I see it. It really touched me to my heart. And fall in love with Noah, I want to be his Allie. This film always brings tears to my eyes. This is the relationship with me and the many amateurs I keep. After looking at it, I always go to the basement and tell them that they should never leave.

February 14, 2017