These Are Media Things

Tag: film

  • The Top 10 Worst CGI In Movies

    Since the dawn of computers, movies have used them to generate images. This happens because they are either too lazy to use practical effects or they are just making impossible things. These 10 movies have the worst CGI in the world of movies. But all of them are better than Eli Roth’s movie Ice Cream Man. Even the worst CGI is better than the use of generative AI in filmmaking.

    #10 Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

    The birds are gifs

    I introduced Birdemic: Shock and Terror to my children because apparently part of being a parent is exposing the next generation to important works of cinema. My son, Chicken, was genuinely scared by the attacking birds. He is a pathetic coward. My daughter, Alpha Dora, took a different approach and hit the television with a clothes hanger.

    Calling what happens in Birdemic “CGI” feels disrespectful to computers. The birds look like someone found an animated eagle GIF on a GeoCities page, copied and pasted it forty times, and slapped the resulting flock directly over the footage. They don’t interact with the environment. They barely interact with physics. There’s no convincing lighting, shadows, or attempt to make these creatures appear as though they occupy the same physical universe as the actors. Alpha Dora apparently understood the assignment better than anyone: while other children might hide behind the couch from menacing bird gifs, my child looked upon these digital abominations, grabbed the nearest available weapon, and attempted to physically defend our household from the visual effects. She saw the CGI in Birdemic and tried to kill it. I can’t criticize that decision.

    #9 – The Lawnmower Man (1992)

    I cut grass

    In the summer of 1992, I was an unemployed 12-year-old, so I did what any ambitious child would do: I started mowing people’s lawns for money. Naturally, when I saw a movie called The Lawnmower Man, I assumed it was a training video. The CGI was absolute dogshit, but that didn’t concern me. Employment training videos always look like shit. I just figured the floating chrome heads, primitive polygons, and psychedelic virtual-reality sex were somehow important information that OSHA needed me to know before operating a Craftsman.

    Unfortunately, The Lawnmower Man left me woefully unprepared for the actual lawn-care industry. Customers became disturbed when I showed up with a lawnmower and an entire VR rig. They became considerably more upset when I started shooting chimpanzees. Apparently you’re just supposed to cut the grass, collect your twenty bucks, and leave. Nobody told me that. Pierce Brosnan certainly didn’t tell me that. It was a terrible summer. I made no money, the chimpanzee situation got completely out of hand, and the CGI still looked like somebody had given a Windows 3.1 screensaver a $10 million budget.

    #8 – Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

    This is a shot from a movie that exists. I don’t know what’s happening.

    My daughter Alpha Dora is very interested in the martial sport of mortal combat and quite active on the youth MMA circuit. She recently won the Tri-State MMA Championship in the Girls 8-to-10 division, although her victory became somewhat controversial after she tore the heart out of her competitor. When horrified officials asked where she learned such a move, Alpha Dora proudly explained, “I learned it by watching Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.” As a parent, this was deeply embarrassing. Not because of the heart thing. Kids get competitive. I was embarrassed because now everyone knows I let my child watch Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

    Worse, it’s absolutely terrible instructional material. The CGI creatures look like unfinished PlayStation assets, the environments resemble screensavers, and the climactic animality battle is so spectacularly unconvincing that no responsible youth MMA organization should recognize any of its techniques. If Alpha Dora is going to rip out another competitor’s vital organs, I want her learning proper form—not studying a movie where the visual effects department couldn’t convincingly render a goddamn dragon. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation isn’t merely terrible CGI. It’s bad training for America’s next generation of youth MMA champions.

    #7 – Son of the Mask (2005)

    This man is evil and nothing can be done about it

    I never wanted to watch Son of the Mask. Unfortunately, one afternoon Jamie Kennedy entered our home carrying a gun and a DVD of Son of the Mask and informed us that nobody had appreciated “his masterpiece” in theaters, so we were going to appreciate it now. He even captured our miniature pinscher, Bark, and painted him green while forcing us through the movie. The experience was horrifying—and then the CGI started. The digital baby looks like an escaped medical simulation, the cartoon physics make everyone appear boneless, and the CGI dog somehow looks less convincing than my actual dog after Jamie Kennedy painted him green.

    When the movie ended, we smiled and told Jamie Kennedy it was wonderful. What else could we do? The man owns all the police. He’s a Kennedy, after all. He eventually left satisfied, and Bark was physically unharmed, although he remained green for several baths and still becomes visibly nervous whenever someone opens a DVD case. I learned two important lessons that day: Son of the Mask contains some of the most hideous CGI ever committed to film, and Jamie Kennedy takes criticism extremely poorly.

    #6 – Spawn (1997)

    Did Image comics ever make anything good?

    I was a terrible person in 1997. One afternoon, bored and apparently operating without anything resembling a conscience, I beat up a bunch of sixth graders and took their money. I spent my ill-gotten fortune on many different drugs and seventeen pounds of Red Vines, then headed to the theater with a gang of vicious sex workers to see Spawn. We were all spectacularly high, which turned out to be the optimal viewing condition, because Spawn has some genuinely cool practical makeup surrounded by CGI that looks like somebody tried to render Hell on a Commodore 64.

    And then we actually go to Hell. Thousands of identical demon soldiers cover the landscape like somebody discovered copy-and-paste, while Malebolgia resembles the final boss from a PC game packaged free with a box of cereal. The only way this CGI becomes remotely convincing is through an aggressively altered state of consciousness; the sort where you’ve completely lost track of reality and are no longer entirely certain whether you’re watching Spawn or experiencing a catastrophic neurological event. The only way this movie becomes tolerable is when you are snorting cocaine through a Red Vine off of a woman’s posterior. When the credits rolled, I knew two things: the CGI was fucking terrible, and I really needed to make some significant changes in my life

    #5 – The Scorpion King (2002)

    I think this is a thing that happened in the movie. I don’t know.

    I remember watching The Mummy Returns in 2001 and having a perfectly good time right up until The Rock appeared as that ridiculous CGI scorpion monstrosity. Apparently someone at Universal looked at one of the most hilariously unconvincing digital creatures ever put in a major studio movie and said, “Give that beefy man his own movie.” So when The Scorpion King arrived the following year, some friends and I prepared appropriately: we spent an entire Saturday day-drinking, got thrown out of several bars for our increasingly inebriated behavior, and eventually wandered into a movie theater.

    We somehow finished two large bottles of Jack Daniel’s during the movie and, according to witnesses, made quite a scene. I don’t remember the plot. I don’t remember leaving the theater. I don’t remember being arrested. I simply woke up the next morning in county jail with a pounding headache and one crystal-clear memory: the terrible CGI in The Scorpion King. Think about that. My brain discarded an entire night of drunken criminal misadventure, yet preserved those shitty digital effects in perfect detail.

    #4 – Green Lantern (2011)

    It sucks

    My daughter Alpha Dora absolutely loves Ryan Reynolds in the Deadpool movies. She wants to be Deadpool when she grows up. I made the mistake of mentioning that Reynolds had starred in another superhero movie before Deadpool. I didn’t think this information posed any danger because surely no respectable streaming service would still carry Green Lantern. Curse you, HBO Max!! Alpha Dora found it. She watched it. And she witnessed Ryan Reynolds flying around space in a glowing CGI onesie with a digital mask that looks like someone circled his eyes with a radioactive green Sharpie.

    My fiancée and I awoke in the middle of the night to find Alpha Dora standing over our bed holding a butcher knife. She didn’t attack us. She simply stared down at me and asked, “Why? Why did Green Lantern happen? Why was the CGI so bad? Why did you fail to set parental controls on your HBO Max account?” I didn’t have an answer. No parent does. All I could do was apologize and promise to be more responsible. Parental controls aren’t just there to protect children from sex and violence. Sometimes they’re there to make sure your eight-year-old never has to see Ryan Reynolds wearing a suit that looks like it was rendered by a Mountain Dew commercial.

    #3 – Die Another Day (2002)

    Don’t do this

    Remember when I woke up in county jail after The Scorpion King with the worst hangover of my life? Well, everyone knows the cure is a little hair of the dog that bit you. So I ate some dog hair, picked up a few bottles of booze, befriended some drifters, and drunkenly wandered into another movie theater. Not the theater where I’d seen The Scorpion King, obviously. I was banned from that one. We chose Die Another Day because James Bond was the guy from GoldenEye on the Nintendo 64, which is the greatest video game ever made, so how could this possibly go wrong? Then Bond started driving an invisible car through an ice palace and parasurfing across a CGI tidal wave that looked like ass.

    And suddenly, through the alcohol-induced fog, I recognized Pierce Brosnan. THAT SON OF A BITCH! He was the scientist from The Lawnmower Man. The man whose shitty CGI training video had taught me absolutely nothing about mowing lawns and ruined my entire summer of 1992. Eleven years of suppressed trauma came roaring back as I watched his digital stunt double surf across an avalanche of visual-effects diarrhea. I became violently angry. There was shouting. There were accusations. Security became involved. I was subsequently banned from another movie theater. At this point, bad CGI wasn’t merely ruining movies for me. It was systematically ruining my life.

    #2 – The Mummy Returns (2001)

    Just because.

    #1 – Cats (2019)

    Sacrifice them all to the Dark Lord

    For the longest time, I believed cats were simply the furry little creatures I regularly sacrificed to the Dark Lord. Then one day, while scrolling through Netflix with the family, we discovered Cats. Apparently it’s based on a Broadway musical. Who the fuck is making plays about cats? We watched it, and every frame presented some fresh digital obscenity. Human faces float inside furry humanoid bodies. Their hands are sometimes paws, except when they’re hands. Their proportions constantly feel wrong. My daughter Alpha Dora had to be physically restrained from attacking the television again. My son Chicken, meanwhile, was delighted by the movie because that kid sucks. How did my seed create a human being who finds James Corden entertaining? Somewhere along the bloodline, something has gone terribly wrong.

    Eventually, some horrible CGI beast started singing about horrible CGI trains, and that’s the last thing I remember. I awoke the following morning soaked in blood, standing inside an animal shelter and muttering incoherently about Lawnmower Men, Scorpion Kings, and The Mummy Returns. Nobody would tell me exactly what had happened, but I was immediately and permanently banned from the shelter. Still, there was a silver lining: at least I wasn’t banned from another movie theater. That’s Cats: a film with CGI so catastrophically wrong that watching it apparently activated twenty-seven years of accumulated visual-effects trauma and sent me on a fugue-state rampage.

  • The Top 10 Chuck Norris Movies

    Chuck Norris is the action man. He is ugly like dog farts and just as deadly as dog farts. He uses his martial arts mastery with a tough-guy screen presence that made him one of the biggest stars of the history of the world. His films are packed with brutal roundhouse kicks, over-the-top roundhouse kicks, and memorable one-liners delivered with a roundhouse kick. Whether he’s kicking at terrorists, drug lords, or supernatural forces, Norris always delivers. Here are his top 10 films, along with my personal take on what makes them great.

    #10 – Hellbound (1994)

    The one where he roundhouse kicks ghosts

    Unlike most Chuck Norris movies, Hellbound takes Chuck Norris directly into the hell of Hell. He plays a Chicago cop investigating a murder connected to an ancient demonic force, which eventually results in Chuck doing what Chuck does best: kicking things. He kicks criminals. He kicks demons. He kicks supernatural entities that probably haven’t been kicked in several thousand years. Eventually he’s basically fighting the goddamned Devil, which is a fascinating tactical error on Satan’s part because if there’s one human being you don’t want arriving in Hell with his boots on, it’s Chuck Norris. The supernatural stuff makes Hellbound a wonderfully strange detour in his filmography, but don’t worry—beneath all the demons and ancient evil, this is still a movie about Chuck Norris kicking his way into our hearts.

    I first saw Hellbound on late-night cable when I was a kid, and I remember that night vividly. Mommy and Daddy were fighting again. Daddy had been drinking because he’d discovered Mommy was sleeping with another neighbor, Mommy was using meth again, dishes were breaking, and I kept turning up the television because the sound of Chuck Norris violence was better than the sound of real violence bouncing off the thin walls of our little trailer. The movie ended around the time the nice woman from Social Services arrived to take me away. I remember sitting beside her and asking whether she ever had to fight demons. Then I asked if Chuck Norris could be my foster dad. She said no. I cried. Anyway, Hellbound is a fun little supernatural action movie and an interesting change of pace for Chuck Norris. Worth a watch.

    #9 – Code of Silence (1985)

    The one where he is a quiet cop

    In Code of Silence, Chuck Norris is once again a tough Chicago cop, only this time he’s battling organized crime and corruption within his own police department instead of the goddamned Devil. He’s also much quieter because after the events of Hellbound, Chuck took a sacred vow never to speak of the demons he encountered. Mobsters try to make him talk. Corrupt cops try to make him talk. People shoot at him. Nothing works. Chuck Norris will take the secrets of Hell to his grave. Fortunately, a vow of silence doesn’t prevent you from roundhouse-kicking somebody through a window, and the movie delivers plenty of excellent action, including a remote-controlled machine-gun robot in the finale. It’s one of Chuck’s most well-rounded films—or, more appropriately, one of his most well-roundhouse-kicked.

    This was one of the first Chuck Norris movies I ever saw. I was still an infant, suckling milk from Mommy’s breast while Code of Silence played on television. Her milk was remarkably sweet and creamy, a flavor I still remember whenever I go to Shake Shack and pay nine fucking dollars for a vanilla shake. Normally feeding time demanded my complete attention, but I became mesmerized by Chuck Norris. I pulled away from the nipple, looked into my mother’s eyes and said, “Mommy, Code of Silence demonstrates an unusual degree of restraint for a mid-’80s action vehicle. Andrew Davis’s direction is assured, the pacing is economical, and Norris delivers one of the strongest dramatic performances of his career.” Mommy stared down at me in absolute horror and whispered, “What the fuck?” Then I returned to the breast. Anyway, if you want a more grounded Chuck Norris movie, Code of Silence is a must-watch.

    #8 – Nonconsensual Vengance (1982)

    The one in Kong Hong

    Set in Hong Kong, Nonconsensual Vengeance stars Chuck Norris as a casino security man whose boss gets murdered, making him the only employee in the history of employment to genuinely give a shit that somebody killed his boss. Most people would hear the news and think, “That’s terrible. Does this mean we’re still having the staff meeting at three?” Not Chuck. Chuck has tremendous respect for the corporate ladder, and if you murder somebody above him on the organizational chart, he will personally hunt you down and kill the motherfuckers responsible. The problem is that none of these people have consented to Chuck’s vengeance. He asks politely, they refuse, and Chuck is therefore forced to administer the vengeance nonconsensually. It’s right there in the title. Against a gorgeous neon-soaked Hong Kong backdrop, Chuck proceeds to roundhouse-kick his way through the local criminal population because nobody fucks with middle management on Chuck Norris’s watch.

    I discovered Nonconsensual Vengeance completely by accident. I was walking home one afternoon when a car slowed beside me and somebody shouted, “KONTRIBUTOR SUCKS!” before throwing a rock that struck me directly in the head. I became disoriented, stumbled into an alley and collapsed face-first onto a VHS copy of Nonconsensual Vengeance. I took this as a message from God. Or possibly a symptom of the concussion. Either way, I watched it that night and loved the raw, brutal fights and the Hong Kong setting, which gives the familiar American action formula an entirely different flavor. It’s like somebody served you an egg roll with a cheeseburger. Does that make cultural or culinary sense? No. Did I have a significant head injury when I came up with the comparison? Yes. Anyway, Nonconsensual Vengeance isn’t Chuck’s most famous movie, but it’s a hidden gem that deserves more attention.

    #7 – The Delta Force (1986)

    The one with a delta force

    Based on completely real events, The Delta Force is a documentary about one of America’s greatest heroes: elite commando Officer Delta Force, played in historical reenactments by Chuck Norris. When terrorists hijack a passenger plane, Officer Delta Force and his fellow Delta Forces are dispatched to rescue the hostages using all the sophisticated counterterrorism techniques available to the United States military in 1986: machine guns, roundhouse kicks and motorcycles with fucking rocket launchers attached to them. Some historians have questioned the documentary’s accuracy, particularly the motorcycle rockets, but those historians weren’t there. Chuck Norris was. The Delta Force remains an important historical document about the brave men who protected America during a dangerous period when apparently every international crisis could be resolved by putting more weapons on a dirt bike.

    This movie was a staple in our house because my dad was the actual Officer Delta Force whose life inspired the film. Most evenings Daddy would get drunk, pull The Delta Force off the VHS shelf and watch Chuck Norris reenact his greatest military accomplishments. Sometimes he would become very emotional and cry when the terrorists killed his friends. Other times he’d point at the television and angrily explain that Chuck was holding the rocket-launcher motorcycle wrong. Those are some of my fondest childhood memories. Daddy eventually went to prison for reasons unrelated to his service and died there a few years ago after being shanked during a dispute over several cigarettes. I like to imagine that somewhere up in Heaven, he’s riding that rocket motorcycle again. RIP The Delta Force.

    #6 – Hitman (1991)

    The one where he hits a man

    In this darker entry in the Chuck Norris canon, Chuck plays a man who gets hit so hard that he dies. But death cannot stop Chuck Norris. He returns from beyond the grave as The Hit Man, a vengeful spirit whose unfinished business is apparently hitting every man responsible for his death. And there are a lot of men. Fortunately, there is also a lot of hitting. Chuck goes undercover inside a criminal organization, identifies the various men who require hitting, and then systematically hits the absolute fuck out of them. It’s considerably darker and more violent than the average Norris movie, but the premise is refreshingly straightforward: there are men, and Chuck must hit them. Sometimes cinema doesn’t need to be complicated.

    I first saw The Hitman as a teenager while lying on the floor of the trap house I called home, shooting heroin with several homeless strangers. We were all impressed by the intensity of the hitting when the ghost of a dead child wandered into the room, watched quietly for several minutes and said, “Chuck Norris usually plays the clean-cut hero, but here he’s much more morally ambiguous.” We stopped what we were doing and nodded thoughtfully. The ghost child was right. Chuck was living a morally ambiguous life, and as I looked around at the needles, unconscious strangers and whatever the fuck was growing behind the radiator, I realized that we were living morally ambiguous lives too. Then the ghost child disappeared through a wall and we finished the movie. The Hitman remains criminally underrated and deserves more recognition, especially if you’re a fan of hitting or men.

    #5 Firewalker (1986)

    The one where he fire walks with me

    Firewalker sees Chuck Norris teaming up with Louis Gossett Jr. for a mind-bending adventure filled with mysticism, trippy imagery and a mysterious place called the Red Room. Chuck sits there speaking backwards and waiting patiently for Louis to arrive. Eventually Louis wanders into this ethereal plane and Chuck looks at him and says, “Hey, Louis. Come fire walk with me.” So they do. They walk across some fire together while a little man dances nearby and jazz music plays from nowhere. I don’t completely understand what any of this has to do with treasure hunting, but that’s the beauty of Firewalker. David Lynch refuses to explain everything to you. Sometimes you just have to accept that Chuck Norris exists simultaneously in our world and the Black Lodge.

    I have a soft spot on the top of my head because my skull never completely formed. One afternoon I was at the video store renting Emanuelle 4 for my little foster brother’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese when a VHS copy of Firewalker fell from a high shelf and struck me directly in the soft spot. Something happened. I suddenly knew everything. I understood quantum mechanics. I knew what happens after death. I knew exactly how many civilizations exist beyond our solar system and why mankind must never contact them. I also knew that Firewalker is an entertaining change of pace from Chuck Norris’s usual no-nonsense action movies. Unfortunately, a second VHS fell and hit me moments later, causing me to forget almost everything. But I still remember the part about Firewalker, so if you’re looking for something different from Norris, it’s worth a watch.

    #4 Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

    The one where he is a lonely wolf

    This film is essentially the prototype for Walking Texas Rangers. Norris plays a wolf that doesn’t get along with other wolves and goes alone against a ruthless drug dealing Wolf Lord, played by David “The Choke” Carradine. The final showdown between Norris and Carradine is one of the best martial arts fights of the 80s, making this a standout film in his career.

    This movie is pure Norris, and I love it for that. It has everything you want—fistfights, shootouts, and that classic Texas tough-guy vibe. It’s also the film that directly inspired Walking Texas Rangers, which makes it a key part of his legacy.

    #3 – Good Guys Wear Black (1978)

    The one where he wears black

    Made when Chuck Norris was still just a baby man, Good Guys Wear Black stars young Chuck as a little war orphan in Vietnam who uncovers a deadly government conspiracy. Most war orphans would probably be overwhelmed by this situation, but Chuck Norris had already mastered several forms of martial arts by infancy, so he begins kicking and punching his way toward the truth. The government quickly discovers that covering up a secret military operation is considerably more difficult when a furious baby Chuck Norris is investigating you. The highlight is his legendary slow-motion flying kick through a car windshield, which is especially impressive when you remember that his little baby legs had only recently learned to walk. Other children were learning their ABCs. Chuck was learning how to roundhouse-kick the federal government.

    I first saw Good Guys Wear Black when I was a young adult living in another crowded trap house, where privacy was impossible. Eventually I discovered that the viewing booths at the local porn shop were quiet, comfortable and perfect for watching movies, so instead of using the pornography provided, I’d bring VHS tapes from home and treat the place like my own private screening room. One afternoon I was deeply engrossed in Good Guys Wear Black when a stranger entered my booth and unexpectedly began performing a sex act on me. I probably should have said something, but Chuck was uncovering the government conspiracy and I didn’t want to miss anything. Eventually the stranger finished, politely left, and I continued watching. Five stars for customer service. Anyway, the political-thriller elements give Good Guys Wear Black considerably more substance than your average Chuck Norris action movie.

    #2 – Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

    The one where he invades U.S.A.

    If you love over-the-top ’80s action, Invasion U.S.A. is the ultimate Chuck Norris movie. Chuck plays a one-man invading army who decides to conquer the United States using every weapon at his disposal. The Army can’t stop him. The Navy can’t stop him. The Air Force looks at the situation and says, “Fuck that, that’s Chuck Norris.” America spent hundreds of billions of dollars building the most powerful military on Earth but apparently nobody prepared for the possibility that one bearded karate man might declare war on Florida. Chuck shoots people, blows up buildings and marches steadily across the country like a one-man coup of death. There are so many explosions that by the end I’m not even sure there’s an America left for Chuck to invade. He may technically be president now.

    Invasion U.S.A. is ridiculous, excessive, loud, exhilarating and probably terrible for your heart, which is why it reminds me so much of cocaine. I used to enjoy cocaine and I used to enjoy Invasion U.S.A., and eventually I realized they were basically the same thing. Both make you feel fucking incredible for about ninety minutes. Both convince you that you’re capable of defeating an entire terrorist organization by yourself. Both involve a lot of sweating, screaming and unreasonable confidence. And afterward you look around at the destruction you’ve caused and think, “Jesus Christ, I need to make some changes.” I don’t use cocaine anymore, but occasionally I’ll watch Invasion U.S.A. and remember the old days. Then Chuck fires two machine guns at once, something explodes for absolutely no reason, and I remember exactly why I quit.

    #1 – Way of the Dragon (1972)

    The one where he is a dragon

    Yes, Way of the Dragon is technically a Bruce Lee movie, but we’re not here to talk about Bruce Lee. We’re here for Chuck Norris in his unforgettable role as American Dragon Jake Long, the greatest martial artist America has ever produced. The movie builds toward the legendary showdown inside the Roman Colosseum, where Bruce Lee and American Dragon Jake Long settle their differences using the ancient diplomatic traditions of hitting and kicking each other. It’s one of the greatest fight scenes ever filmed because these men possessed real-life hit-and-kick skills. No computers. No stunt doubles flying around on wires. Just Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris beating the absolute shit out of each other while a little cat watches. History remembers Rome for Julius Caesar, the rise and fall of an empire and two thousand years of Western civilization. I remember it as the place Bruce Lee ripped out Chuck Norris’s chest hair.

    This was also the first time I ever saw Chuck Norris. It was the day I was born, and Way of the Dragon happened to be playing on the television in my mother’s hospital room. As I emerged from my mother’s vagina and took my first terrified look at this strange new world, I glanced toward the television and saw Chuck Norris punch Bruce Lee. I didn’t understand language yet. I didn’t understand movies. I didn’t even understand that I had just been born. But somehow I pointed my tiny newborn hand toward the screen and whispered my first word: “Daddy.” The doctors became very concerned. Mommy started crying. My actual father left the room and didn’t come back for several hours. But none of that mattered. Chuck Norris had welcomed me into this world with a fist, and I’ve been a fan ever since. Way of the Dragon isn’t just the perfect introduction to Chuck Norris. It was my introduction to life.