These Are Media Things

Tag: Ghosts

  • Top 15 Episodes of Tales From the Crypt

    “Tales From the Crypt” is a prehistoric TV show from a time when cavemen roamed the earth and lived with dinosaurs. The host of this show was an actual corpse brought back to life using the magic of an ancient curse. This corpse tells false cautionary tales to guide the uneducated masses to make the right moral decisions. The corpse was named “Aesop.” Here are the Top 15 Fables of Ancient Lore presented by the dead Aesop.

    #15 – Carrion Death (Season 3, Episode 2)

    Damn fine!

    The most brutal episode of Tales from the Crypt is “Carrion’s Death” from season three. Kyle MacLachlan plays Earl Raymond Diggs, a fugitive who is pursued through the Arizona desert by a police. Diggs kills the cop (because Fuck da Police!), but both cars are destroyed by an angry God, and they are handcuffed together, with the only key thrown away. While this is set up for a hot gay porn scene, the vultures chasing them will make sure that this gay action doesn’t happen.

    “Carrion Death” is neither funny nor sexy. My fiancée often watches really hot porn videos where guys are handcuffed together (of course we don’t let the kids watch them). This episode isn’t like two guys handcuffed together in the desert having wild sex to pass the time by sucking each other’s cocks.

    Kyle McLachlan’s performance becomes increasingly frustrating as Diggs quickly tires out, both physically and existentially. He never gets to suck the handcuffed guy’s cock – the desert drives him insane. Likewise, the violence on screen isn’t vicious or exaggerated, but it’s not sexy at all. For those who think Tales from the Crypt is a horror-comedy show about hot sex, “Death by Corruption” is a grim reminder that the show can be deadly serious.

    #14 – Dead Right (Season 2, Episode 1)

    “Oh yeah, baby, gimme some of that Substance”

    Bitches always think about taking a brother’s money. These money-obsessed hos don’t really care about men. All they want is some money to put in their money holes. That’s why I love my fiancée. She never wanted my money because I don’t have any. I’m unemployed and she is a stripper. She makes money by showing off her sexy body and rubbing it against rich men that pay her, but all her love is for me and we have two children. But she’s rare. Most women (on Earth at least) are like the money-worshipping slut played by Demi Moore in this episode – always chasing men for their money.

    In this episode, Demi Moore marries a hideous guy, played by Jeffrey Tambor, because she thinks she can get some money out of it. “Tales from the Crypt” always warns people to be careful of this type of woman and always makes society aware of the fate of these women. Not only do they have to have sexual relations with men who look like a bowl of old chef Boyardee Beefaroni left on the kitchen counter for a week, these women also become dead. Money-grubbing bitches not only fit a gross old wonton-shaped penis into their body, but they also die.

    #13 – The Man Who Was Death (Season 1, Episode 1)

    The very first episode of “Tales From the Crypt” is perhaps the most relevant to the current times that we are living in. While this story was told by the Dead Aesop in 500 BCE, it might as well be talking about what’s going on right now in 2025.

    William Sadler plays Niles Talbot, just your normal working-class guy. He holds down a blue-collar government job as an executioner. Most likely a conservative who probably thought he cared about his country when he voted against its best interests. I mean, Trump said that he really cared about the working class, and Niles Talbot was just dumb enough to believe that. But unfortunately for this hardworking, blue-collar man, DOGE comes in and starts eliminating government employees and poor Niles Talbot here ends up without a job.

    But he still has a sense of justice, still believes in the death penalty and starts freelancing. Sure, he believes criminals should get what they deserve, but he voted for a criminal. Sure, he voted for an administration that promised to fight hard against sex trafficking, and then this guy has to witness, in horror, as the Trump administration so gleefully lets in a notorious sex trafficker like Andrew Tate. Is it no wonder then, that Niles Talbot here will turn to murder?

    And in the end, he’s executed as well. You got what you voted for is the lesson to be gleaned here.

    #12 – Abra Cadaver (Season 3, Episode 4)

    I wanna reach out and grab ya

    In 1982, The Steve Miller Band based their hit song “Abra Cadaver” on this classic sibling rivalry legend. The episode stars Boo Bridges (“The Lesser” from The Bridges Clan) and Tony Goldwyn as the bickering Fairbanks brothers. Carl (played by Tony Goldwyn) plays a cruel joke on Martin (played by Boo The Lesser), whose medical career is stalled by the loss of his hands. Years later, Martin uses his medical research into the brain to get revenge. Martin uses Carl as a lab rat, leaving his brother fully conscious but unable to move because he has done something evil and deviant.

    It’s always nice to reflect on the lyrics to the Steve Miller Band’s classic song:

    “Abra Abra Cadaver
    I wanna reach out and grab ya
    And inject you with a mysterious liquid
    You will be paralyzed but still conscious
    I will do a fake autopsy on you
    But you will be dead
    Abra Cadaver”

    Indeed, one of the best.

    #11 – The Ventriloquist’s Dummy (Season 2, Episode 10)

    AKB48 is the best J-Pop group ever!

    All dolls are fucking creepy, especially talking ones. My daughter, Dora the Explorer, has an unknown number of creepy dolls that talk to her and promise to kill her enemies. Often, they keep their promises. This is so common throughout history that it is featured in the show’s second season episode, “The Ventriloquist Dummy.”

    The episode follows Billy Goldman (Bobcat Goldthwaite), a shy comedian and ventriloquist. Billy meets a friend, retired ventriloquist and J-pop idol, Mr. Ingalls (Don Rickles), who asks for his help to improve his act and learn the secrets of creepy doll talking. When they meet in person, Billy learns the dark secret behind Ingalls’ success in the cutthroat world of J-pop idols. And the real origin of his creepy talking doll, Morty. This is human nature. Now you know about scary dolls.

    Starring two big-name comedians, Rickles and Goldthwaite, “The Ventriloquist Dummy” is the show’s main attraction. Rickles, in particular, is clearly having fun in the role, playing up his established J-pop idol fame with a laid-back tone. “The Ventriloquist Dummy” is an episode that will make you smile. It’s the best shit Richard Donner ever did. Better than that The Goonies crap.

    #10 – What’s Cookin’ (Season 4, Episode 6)

    Eat the food

    Eating people is always dangerous but can be rewarding. In this episode, Christopher Reeves (the Dead Superman) plays Fred, the world’s most successful squid chef. Fred loves his squid and he makes all kinds of inspired and amazing squid delicacies. But then along comes Bender from The Breakfast Club to say “Hey, why don’t you start cooking up people too?” Nobody asked you, Bender! It was a banner fucking year at the ol squid restaurant, but Bender thinks they should start cooking up some long pig because human beings are the squid of the land.

    “What’s Cookin’” gives us the opportunity to see Dead Superman eat some food, and that is good. And Meat, frontman from the band Meat And The Loafs, shows up to be some food. So it’s a lot of fun. My children laughed and laughed all through this episode. Good times had by all.

    #9 – Top Billing (Season 3, Episode 5)

    It’s that guy!

    “Top Billing” is a good episode because it has this man, John Astin, who is the father of Samwise Gamgee. John Astin was also an actor and did some show in the 60s, I can’t remember what. Also, did you know that Samwise Gamgee’s mother was a woman named Patty Duke? She also did television in the 60s and was in a show that had some other-worldly name unpronounceable by human speech so historians only refer to it as “The Patty Duke Show.”

    This episode has that guy who played Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live,” (can’t remember his real name. Adam Sandler? Phil Hartman?). Anyway, the guy that played Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live” is an actor that wants to play Hamlet and Samwise Gamgee’s dad lets him but there is a twist. Because of course. “Tales from the Crypt” always did the twisty shit and here it is good.

    # 8 – Death of Some Salesman (Season 5, Episode 1)

    All of these actors were also in Muppet Treasure Island

    Not every episode of “Tales From the Crypt” was a darkly comic horror fable from the Dead Aesop. Sometimes the show would adapt famous works of literature as well. This Season 5 episode, “Death of Some Salesman,” is based on the 1949 play of the same title by Arthur Miller. It shows that the people who made “Tales From the Crypt” were also cultured people.

    In this story, Willy Loman (Tim Curry), is a down on his luck salesman living in Brooklyn, New York. His wife Linda (also Tim Curry), suggests that he try to find a new position where he doesn’t have to travel. He barely gets along with his kids Biff Loman (also played by Tim Curry) and Happy Loman (again, also played by Tim Curry). By the end, this unhappy salesman accepts the reality that his life fucking sucks and he should just die. Should have married a stripper, my man.

    #7 – Split Second (Season 3, Episode 11)

    “Do not insert”

    This episode has the legendary giant Brion James (that guy who played Salvador Dali in The Pterodactyl Women of Beverly Hills) as a lumberjack named Steve who has no chill. He marries a pretty lady, Liz (Michelle Johnson) and is way too jealous and possessive of her. If this girl is even in the same room as another man, Steve goes into a Hulk rage and screams: “Do not ever think of inserting yourself into the vagina of my wife!” and rips off heads.

    This fable gives us the lesson of how important it is to trust your spouse, which is very important. My fiancee is a stripper and I trust her totally, I know that she is not letting random men insert themselves into her vagina. I do not Hulk rage and hurt others out of jealousy. Okay, the woman in this episode actually IS inviting other men into her vagina, but that’s not my point. Steve the Lumberjack should have trusted his wife. And because of that distrust he gets chopped up into little bits. Do you want to be chopped up into little bits? No? Then you should trust your spouse. That is the lesson that Dead Aesop gives us here.

    #6 – The New Arrival (Season 4, Episode 7)

    “Better go into the fucking light, Carol Ann, because this is what happens to little girls that don’t.”

    Ah yeah, “The New Arrival” which gives us the legendary actor David Warner (you know, that dude from that episode of Star Trek The Next Generation that was all “there’s five lights, motherfucker!”) along with Zelda Rubenstein (princess of Hyrule, bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom). In this very entertaining tale, Mr. Five Lights plays Dr. Goatse, a talking doctor of kids. He goes to visit the castle of Princess Zelda to help her unruly child and is in for quite a surprise.

    My daughter, Dora the Explorerer, was very motivated about this episode and on the edge of her little seat because she thought for sure that this would end up being about a creepy doll. Unfortunately it turns out that the unruly child is just another stupid fuck dead body. Dora the Explorer raged and punched the TV. But I liked the episode.

    #5 – Forever Ambergris (Season 5, Episode 3)

    Got your nose!

    “Forever Ambergris” is a tale about two men of the sea who go out on their boat and harvest ambergris, a whale product used to manufacture perfumes. It is a dramatic tale of their adventures on the high seas and their pursuit of fortune as they harvest ambergris, bonding and becoming lifelong friends.

    Wait, no, that would be a story that would fit with a title like “Forever Ambergris.” What is this war photography bullshit here? Steve Buscemi and a dude from The Who are out in jungles taking pictures of wars and gettin’ diseases. Where’s the ambergris? Where’s the whales vomiting up that gold? What even is?

    #4 – And All Through the House (Season 1, Episode 2)

    You are a rather unkind man, Mr. Grinch

    The harshest lesson any of us learn as children is that Santa Claus does not exist. Realizing how badly you have allowed yourself to be lied to and accept this absolute unreality can be devastating. When I learned that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, I stayed locked in my room for days, crying. My children have yet to learn that lesson and I dread the day when they do.

    In this fable, “And All Through the House,” Dead Aesop does not dare shy away from the brutality of learning that Santa does not exist. There is murder and bloodshed and Dr. Giggles just being totally insane. I am considering showing this episode to my own children when the time arrives to inform them that there is no Santa Claus. Perhaps the utter horror of this episode will help temper their own rage as they discover the reality of the world.

    #3 – Television Terror (Season 2, Episode 16)

    Boo this man

    Morton Downey Jr. was a real piece of shit. Did you know that? He would say racist things when he was on TV. He got sued once by a woman because he said that strippers were “sluts” and had all kinds of diseases. I get VERY angry hearing about that because my fiancee is a stripper and she is a clean and decent woman and a wonderful mother to our children. I heard that the stripper sued him for a lot of money and won. Good for her. Morton Downey Jr. also attacked gay people, he got in fights and punched people and reporters. What a vile, terrible man.

    “Tales From the Crypt” decided once to show footage of that time Morton Downey Jr. went into a haunted house. He didn’t do anything different. He was the same shitty man just inside of a shitty haunted house. It is a very rewarding episode, watching that man in pain. Ghosts are trying to hurt him and he’s like “No, please don’t kill me,” but you watch and smile, saying “Fuck that man.” Morton Downey Jr. was a garbage human, I’m all for the ghosts.

    #2 – Yellow (Season 3, Episode 14)

    “Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. And everything you do. Yeah, they were all yellow.”

    Based upon the Coldplay song of the same name, “Yellow” is a story about war and just how shitty it is. Not as shitty as Morton Downey Jr, but still pretty goshdarn awful. And we got Douglases Douglasing all over the place here. Kirk Douglas is here as a World War I general and he’s got his son Eric Douglas playing his son. Michel Douglas is just off camera fapping to Sharon Stone on the set of Basic Instinct and souting back: “You tell him, Dad, you let my brother know what’s up!”

    The moral that Dead Aesop delivers to the audience here is that you should always hold yourself accountable, even if you are a chicken’s shit. Did you run away from a battle and pee your pants while all your friends died? Admit it. Because if you aren’t honest and admit what a total fucking coward you are to the world, then your Dad will shoot you in the head.

    #1 – Cutting Cards

    Gambling Addiction is a very serious problem that affects 2.5 million people each year, according to the National Council on Problem Gambling. In “Cutting Cards” we get a story that truly shows us the horror of such an addiction and what it can lead to. This a very special episode of “Tales From the Crypt” that deals with a very real issue affecting people every day. Whether it is your brother that just discovered the thrill of lottery scratchers or your grandmother that spends all of her retirement sitting in front of a video poker machine in Reno, gambling addiction is a crippling disorder that knows no prejudice. Perhaps you too have spent too much money on FanDuel and have put your family’s livelihood at risk?

    Gambling should never be seen as a way to make money or solve financial problems. It is a form of entertainment that carries a risk of losing money. You should only gamble with funds that you can afford to lose. If you find yourself unable to stick to limits, or if gambling starts to interfere with your daily life, relationships, or well-being, these are warning signs of a gambling problem. If you or someone you know is struggling with gambling addiction, it is crucial to seek help immediately. You can seek help or information by contacting the National Council on Problem gaming at 1-800-522-4700 or the helpline 1-800-GAMBLER.

  • Review – “The Exorcist Believer”

    Review – “The Exorcist Believer”

    Hello, it is me Kontributor with a review for a new movie called The Exorcist Believer. It is a sequel to the 1973 movie The Exorcist and it is the only sequel there is. That movie came out 50 years ago and since it was so long ago people began to believe that it didn’t actually exist. So the Blumhouse people decided to remind people that we should still believe in that movie by making a whole thing about The Exorcist Believer. I took my family to see this movie and, yes, we now believe that The Exorcist existed.

    Will this child believe in The Exorcist? Keep reading to find out.

    The movie has Aaron Burr being a single father raising his 13-year-old daughter, Angela. I know it’s been a struggle for Aaron Burr ever since he shot Alexander Hamilton dead in 1804 – but he’s come a long way and is acting in movies now. In this movie, his daughter Angela runs off with her BFF Katherine to summon ghosts in an open grave and they accidentally become possessed by demons. Aaron Burr has to team up with this other family, like 3 different priests, his fat neighbor, and an old church lady to do this all-out, no holds barred, tag-team cage match, multicultural exorcism.

    Aaron Burr and this old lady believe in The Exorcist

    I have a young daughter, Alpha Dora, and this movie did make me rethink how I am raising her. I’ve been so stupidly letting my daughter run around in cemeteries with her friends where they take off their shoes, do battle with crypt snakes, and talk to the dead. Now that I am a believer in the 1973 film The Exorcist, I know not to let my daughter do that every day of the week. Just on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The last thing I would want is for my precious Alpha Dora to accidentally get a demon in her.

    As Aaron Burr is trying to figure out why his daughter is all rotten looking and cussing at nice doctors, old Ellen bursts in and starts ranting about how her daughter, Ronald Reagan, was accidentally possessed by a demon. Only the power of believing in The Exorcist saved her daughter. We all know that Ronald Reagan died of Old Timer’s disease in 2004, but for the sake of the movie we have to believe this incredibly aged woman’s tale that Ronald Reagan was attacked by demons and survived.

    “I could not attend the exorcism of my daughter, Ronald Reagan, because of the patriarchy.”

    In the original The Exorcist, we had Jason Miller as the young hip & happenin’ Damian Karras and the incredibly aged Max Von Sydow as Father Merrin, a priest so old that he actually learned exorcisms from Jesus himself. In that movie, these two priests threw on their proton packs, gave each other a high-five, and blasted that demon right outta some little girl. But in The Exorcist Believer we got two girls that are posessed and those old priests are long dead. So Aaron Burr goes out there and, like in Ocean’s 11 makes a whole team of people do this exorcism.

    Who is on this exorcist hit squad? We got the parents of Katherine shouting abut Jesus. We have “ethnic Christian” there to do some kind of Haitian stuff. There is Ann Down as “Old Church Lady” to shout scripture and lecture these young kids about their misbehaviors. Old Ellen bursts in for a bit. Aaron Burr has his fat neighbor around, I don’t know what the hell that guy was doing. There is a Catholic priest, Father Maddox, who isn’t there right away at first because his boss said he wasn’t going to pay overtime for this exorcism happening outside of the church’s business hours. He does show up later in the movie in an amazing scene as he kicks in the door, dual-wielding rosaries and shouting “Our Father hail Mary compels you!” to kick some demon butt with his powerful priest-fu.

    Just a couple of fans believing in The Exorcist

    Overall I think it is a good and entertaining movie. Me and Alpha Dora had a good time. My son won’t sleep for awhile because I told him this is based on a true story of kids who don’t listen to their parents. I recommend this movie to people who can afford to see a movie that they would like to see. I give it 521 out of 605 stars. Kontributor out.

  • The Top 10 Stephen King Movies

    The Top 10 Stephen King Movies

    Iconic horror man Stephen King has adapted his work into more than 40 films. This excludes TV shows and miniseries. The new adaptation of Salem’s Lot shows no signs of slowing down, the film version of Mr. Salem. It is about the dead.

    With so many movies to choose from, what’s the best Stephen King adaptation? I’ve whittled down this huge catalog to 10 movies. These are genuine films.

    #10 The Dead Zone

    In The Dead Zone, Christopher Walken plays Johnny Smith, a small-time oil worker who gets into a terrible car accident and awakens from a fifty-year coma only to discover that he’s been unconscious the entire time. Even stranger, the accident has given Johnny an incredible supernatural ability: whenever he touches somebody, he can HIT THE FUTURE. Nobody completely understands how hitting the future works. Sometimes he hits the past too. Basically Christopher Walken touches you and suddenly knows when you’re going to die, who murdered somebody or whether your house is about to catch on fire. Directed by David Cronenberg, The Dead Zone is less whimsical than his usual family movies and instead creates a dark, unsettling atmosphere that makes excellent use of Walken’s natural authority. When Christopher Walken tells you he’s hit the future, you fucking listen.

    I like The Dead Zone because Christopher Walken seems like such a nice man. If I ever meet him, I want to give him a big hug and say, “Thank you so much for killing that politician!” Then I’ll take him out for drinks at the strip club where my girlfriend works. Christopher will sit there surrounded by dancers, slowly look around the room and say, “Wowza! Monkeys… and tits… everywhere!” Everyone will applaud because he’s Christopher Walken. Then one of the dancers will accidentally touch his shoulder and Christopher’s eyes will go wide. HE HAS HIT THE FUTURE. “Do it again, lady!” I’ll shout. “Hit the future again!” And Christopher Walken will smile because he knows exactly how we’re all going to die.

    #9 The Mist

    It’s really foggy here

    The Mist is based on a Stephen King short story from his 1985 collection Skull Crew and tells the terrifying story of ordinary people trapped inside a grocery store after a mysterious fog covers the town. Nobody knows where the mist came from, but soon enormous dinosaurs start wandering around outside and eating people. Some have tentacles. Some have wings. Some look like spiders. Those are all types of dinosaurs. Look it up. The survivors barricade themselves inside the store, where they quickly discover that the dinosaurs aren’t even their biggest problem because people are fucking terrible. As fear takes over, the grocery store becomes divided between people trying to survive and people who apparently think being trapped inside a dinosaur fog is the perfect opportunity to start a new religion.

    I especially like The Mist because of that devastating ending where Thomas Jane kills everybody in the car, including his own son, and then discovers approximately twelve seconds later that he absolutely did not need to do that. I couldn’t do it. I love my son. His name is Chicken, and he’s five years old. Thomas Jane’s son is named Billy, which I think explains a lot. Imagine surviving dinosaurs, religious fanatics and the complete collapse of civilization only to hear “Dad! Dad!” from a kid named Billy for two straight hours. Eventually something is going to snap. That’s why you have to give your children good names. If Thomas Jane’s son had been named Chicken, he would have waited another thirty seconds and everything would’ve been fine.

    #8 Creepyshow

    Horror legends Stephen King and George Romero joined forces for the beloved 1982 comedy Creepyshow, an anthology containing five different stories about creepish things. Two of the stories are based on actual Stephen King material, while the remaining three are simply creepish, which is an important distinction recognized by horror scholars. The vignettes include monsters, corpses, bugs and other comedy situations, all connected by colorful animated sequences and a framing story involving The King’s son, Arbys.com. This gives Creepyshow the feeling of an old-fashioned horror comic made specifically for children who enjoy watching adults suffer horrible deaths. It’s youthful. It’s playful. It’s a B-movie. It’s creepish. That’s why they called it Creepyshow.

    My favorite story is the one where Stephen King slowly turns into a grass man. Why does he become grass? WHY? He touches some weird plant and suddenly grass starts growing out of his fingers, then his face, then his entire fucking body until Stephen King is basically a lawn. This terrified me as a child. Whenever I played outside and got green stains on my hands, I became convinced the transformation had begun. I’d run inside screaming, “MOMMY! I’M BECOMING GRASS!” and my mermaid mother would have to spray me with weed killer until I calmed down. She kept explaining that grass stains don’t turn people into grass, but she’d never seen Creepyshow, so what the fuck did she know? Even today I don’t completely trust lawns.

    #7 The Green Mile

    Kafi says: “Use Door Dash to have Taco Bell Nacho Fries delivered straight to your house.”

    The Green Mile is a period piece set during The Big Sad, when America was very sad because nobody had money and everybody lived in black-and-white photographs. Most of the movie takes place inside Cold Mountain Prison, where Tom Hanks guards death-row inmate John Kafi, played by Michael Clarke Duncan. Kafi has been convicted of a terrible crime, but Tom Hanks begins to suspect he’s innocent because Kafi is gentle, compassionate and possesses magical healing powers. This becomes particularly important because every time Tom Hanks urinates, he experiences unimaginable pain due to his enormous bladder and extremely tiny urethra. Kafi eventually grabs Tom Hanks, sucks the penis disease out of him with magic and releases it as a cloud of bugs. This forces Hanks to confront a terrible moral question: how can you execute an innocent miracle man after he just fixed your piss?

    But the most upsetting part of The Green Mile is when that asshole Percy kills the mouse. I like mice. Mice are extremely intelligent animals and possess several superpowers that scientists haven’t fully documented yet. Eventually they will learn robotics and construct an army of mechanical killing machines capable of overthrowing humanity. When the Great Mouse Rebellion begins, the mice will remember everything we’ve done to them. So start being nice to mice now. Give them cheese. Don’t set traps. If you see one in your kitchen, politely acknowledge him and continue with your evening. Most importantly, never kill a mouse like Percy does. The mice are keeping records. Percy eventually dies, which is good. The Mouse Tribunal will remember that we punished him.

    #6 Stand By Me

    Search for the body of a local teenager this year.

    Stand By Me stars Richard Dreyfuss alongside contemporary actors Willard Wheat, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman and Jerry O’Connell. Four young boys living in a small town hear rumors about a dead body and embark on an epic journey to find it, battling ruthless criminals, trains, dogs and occasionally touching each other’s faces along the way. Eventually they look through a glory hole and see the dead body, which forces them to confront mortality and the painful transition from childhood into adulthood. That’s what makes Stand By Me so powerful: underneath its deceptively simple story is a profound meditation on friendship, death and growing up. Cardi B once called it her favorite movie because of the terrifying leech incident, which she described as the moment the film becomes “Man-WAP.” Nobody understands Stephen King better than Cardi B.

    But the greatest sequence is the story about the fat boy who vomits. So much vomit. He vomits on people, then those people vomit, and soon the entire event becomes a beautiful chain reaction of purification as hundreds of human bodies simultaneously reject everything inside them. The first time I saw this scene, I vomited too. My mermaid mother saw me vomit and immediately vomited on the cat. The cat became frightened and vomited directly onto a mouse. The mouse survived, but he never forgot. He told his family. They told other mice. Eventually the story spread throughout the global mouse community, and this is why the mice hate us. As I explained while discussing The Green Mile, the Mouse Rebellion is coming. Now you know why my family will be among the first against the wall.

    #5 It – Chapter One

    Do you like eating pussy?

    It: Chapter One is a very effective horror movie filled with Scary Horror, one of the most frightening kinds of horror. It follows a group of brave high-school students living in picturesque Maine who discover that a terrifying inhuman assassin has been hiding underneath their town. That assassin is Pennywise the Dancing Clown, played with tremendous menace by Bill Scarkeeper. Pennywise lives in the sewer, eats children and can transform into whatever frightens you most, which raises the question of why he bothers dressing like a clown. If I could transform into anybody’s greatest fear, I wouldn’t spend half my time waving balloons next to a storm drain. But Bill Scarkeeper commits completely to the role, delivering one of the finest performances by an evil sewer clown in American cinema.

    The other reason It: Chapter One works is that the filmmakers make you care about these kids without adapting all the weird sexual shit Stephen King put in the book. Good decision. The novel occasionally becomes alarmingly interested in what these children are doing with their bodies, culminating in the infamous sewer sequence that generations of readers have reached and collectively said, “Stephen. What the fuck are you doing?” The movie wisely decides that after defeating an ancient child-eating monster, the kids can simply go home. Nobody needs an orgy. Nobody needs additional genital-related character development. Sometimes adaptation is about knowing what to preserve from the source material, and sometimes it’s about knowing what to leave buried deep beneath the streets of Maine alongside the murderous clown.

    #4 Curry

    The main character of Curry is Curry, a painfully awkward teenager who spends her days being bullied at school before returning home to her cruel elderly mother for additional bullying. Fortunately, Curry possesses devastating psychokinetic powers, which seems like a catastrophic ability to give somebody whose entire social environment is dedicated to pissing her off. Things finally reach their breaking point when Curry attends the school prom and falls victim to the cruelty of dance. Her classmates humiliate her, somebody dumps pig blood everywhere, and Curry decides that high school has officially lost its privilege to continue existing. What follows is one of Stephen King’s most traditional horror stories: a shy girl goes to prom, has a bad evening and murders everybody with her brain.

    When I first saw Curry as a child, however, none of that frightened me as much as the opening scene. Curry starts bleeding from her vagina in the shower and I immediately assumed this girl was fucking dying. Nobody was helping her! Everyone was laughing! Somebody call an ambulance! Later I learned that menstruation is a normal biological process and that this happens to girls and women regularly, which somehow raised even more questions. For days? Every month? And everybody just accepts this? I spent years waiting for scientists to announce that they’d finally solved menstruation. Apparently they already understand it. Nobody bothered telling me. Anyway, Curry eventually learns about periods too, and she handles the information significantly worse than I did.

    #3 Misery

    Them some broke-ass janky legs

    Like many stories about kings, Misery is about a troubled writer. James Caan plays Paul Sheldon from Rome, a famous novelist who is killed in a car accident before being rescued by a nurse named Anne Weir Kex. Fortunately, being killed does not prevent Paul from writing. Weir Kex is his biggest fan and realizes she has been given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so she locks the dead writer inside her house and forces him to write another novel about his beloved character Missouri Chastainman. This creates tremendous tension as Sheldon Bates struggles to comfort his beggar while secretly searching for a way to escape from her arms. Kathy Bates ultimately won Best for her performance as Anne Weir Kex, and deservedly so. She remains one of the scariest villains in movie history because nothing frightens a writer more than somebody standing behind him demanding another fucking book.

    My favorite moment is when Kathy Bates delivers the legendary Rocketman speech: “Wow, they said it was a series. I’m not stupid. But my favorite is Rocketman. Come in. A car hits on a mountain road. Then he closed the door, opened the curtains, got up and tried to vote. But before he could escape, the car fell off the cliff! The car crashed. Burnt! I was happy and excited. Believe me, I will be next in line one week. They start next weekend and Rocketman will try to get out. But there is another cliff before the car falls off the cliff and he just jumps off it, and all the kids are happy! BUT I AM NOT HAPPY! It wasn’t like this last week! Are you all crazy? We just got it wrong! It’s not right! PARROTS WON’T GET OUT OF THE CAR!” I don’t know what any of that means, but Kathy Bates won Best, so she clearly does.

    #2 Shine

    Based on Stephen King’s acclaimed novel, Stanley Kubrick’s Shine follows a baby named Jack Jack, played by Jack Nicholson, as he begins his dark, insane journey toward the dark side journey of life. Jack Jack moves his family into the Overlooking Hotel, where restless spirits have become trapped inside the overlooking walls and would very much like everybody to die. The only person capable of stopping the hotel is Jack’s youngest son, Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger, a powerful psychic child who can sense what the hotel wants and fears. Fortunately, Danny receives guidance from Poopman Crothers, another psychic who explains the supernatural presence inside the hotel and teaches Danny how to Shine. Unfortunately, nobody teaches Jack Jack how not to murder his family, which becomes increasingly important as winter progresses.

    Shine is also a technical masterpiece. Kubrick’s groundbreaking cinematography is especially impressive during the famous tracking shots following Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger as he races through the hotel on his triple-wheel motorcycle. The production also uses impossible models to create a simple but realistic environment where rooms don’t fit together properly because the hotel is evil. The gloss is very good. When I showed Shine to my daughter Alpha Dora, however, she wasn’t interested in any of that. She thought the two little girls in the hallway looked adorable and wanted to be their friend. She kept waiting for Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger to stop being rude and play with the twins. He never does. Very disappointing. They could have ridden the triple-wheel motorcycle together. They can all have fun.

    #1 The Shawshank Redepmtion

    Here, eat my hand

    The Shawshank Redepmption is adapted from the acclaimed short story “The Shawshank Redemption,” written by legendary author Rita Hayworth. Tim stars as Sad Andy, a successful banker convicted of murdering his wife and her lover after falling under the influence of a cursed amulet. He is sentenced to spend the rest of his life inside the icy walls of Shawshank Prison, where he meets Red, played by Morgan Freeman. Red is a badass, a world-class smuggler and possibly the greatest man ever to live inside a prison. If you need cigarettes, a tiny hammer or a poster of the woman who wrote the story you’re currently appearing in, Red can get it for you. Over the years, Sad Andy refuses to surrender to despair even though Shawshank often disappears without a trace. That’s ultimately what makes the movie so uplifting. They can imprison Sad Andy’s body, but they cannot imprison his Tim. Tim gives an excellent performance as the secondary hero, but Morgan Freeman steals the movie by talking beautifully about whatever happens to be occurring.

    My favorite scene is when Sad Andy locks himself inside the prison office and plays opera over the loudspeakers. Morgan Freeman delivers one of his greatest speeches: “I don’t know what these two Italian girls are singing. I don’t want to know the truth, so I don’t think I should say anything. They sing beautifully. I like that voice. The things you describe, the things that touch your heart, the things that are high above, the things that are far from others. The gray dreams are like some people. A beautiful bird flew into a hole. There’s a crack in the wall. Put your thing in the hole. Do this for the glory. Soon, everyone in Shawshank will be free.” Beautiful. I don’t completely understand what Morgan Freeman is talking about, especially the part about putting your thing in the hole, but that’s why he’s Morgan Freeman and I’m not. The Shawshank Redepmption is ultimately about hope. Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no cursed amulet can ever kill it.

  • The Top 10 Worst Years in History

    The Top 10 Worst Years in History

    [Joe, make sure that you type text here to introduce your list. I’ll be home early from work tonight and make dinner for you and the kids. I love you!]

    #10 1347

    All flee from the dreaded Bonedor

    1347 was one of the worst years in human history because that’s when the Black Death really started fucking everybody up. The streets filled with corpses, entire communities disappeared and nobody understood why people were suddenly developing horrible bubonics and dying. Today scientists blame fleas, rats and bacteria, but people who were actually alive in 1347 knew the truth: Bonedor had arrived. Bonedor was an enormous skeleton approximately 250 meters tall who stomped across Europe spreading disease with his magical powers. Nobody knows where Bonedor came from. He simply appeared one morning on the horizon, pointed one gigantic skeletal finger toward civilization and said “FOLLOW ME.” Then he said “GO.” Those were basically the only two things Bonedor knew how to say, but when you’re a 250-meter plague skeleton you don’t need an extensive vocabulary.

    Bonedor wandered from country to country casting his evil bubonics upon anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path. Historians estimate that more than 60 percent of Europe eventually died from Bonedor’s miraculous bubonics, although modern scholars continue trying to give all the credit to rats. Typical. Nobody wants to acknowledge the giant skeleton. Eventually Bonedor disappeared as mysteriously as he arrived, leaving behind millions of dead people and several centuries of unresolved skeleton-related trauma. But 1347 wasn’t only terrible for Europe. It was also an absolutely horrible year for America because America didn’t exist yet. Not one American. Not even a Walmart. Fucking bleak.

    #9 1929

    Unless you’ve stood freezing in the street with your entire family, no money, no food, anemia, pneumonia and several additional diseases while somehow being unable to see anyone’s face, you don’t have the right to tell me 1929 wasn’t one of the worst years in history. This was the beginning of The Big Sad, and they didn’t call it that because everyone was having a wonderful fucking time. The stock market crashed and suddenly all the money disappeared. Where did the money go? Nobody knows. America had money on Monday. Then some businessmen started screaming inside a building and by Tuesday everybody was poor. People lost their jobs, their homes and their food. Thousands of Americans were forced to stand in lines waiting for bread because apparently bread was extremely difficult to locate during The Big Sad.

    I can’t even imagine how modern people would respond to The Big Sad. We got dangerously close in 2008 when the economy broke again because somebody put too many houses inside the banks, but thankfully we managed to avoid everybody getting pneumonia and losing the ability to see faces. People today simply don’t understand how much suffering humanity endured during 1929. There was no money. There were no jobs. Everyone was cold. The sadness was enormous. Even worse, television had barely been invented, so people couldn’t sit at home watching Netflix while the economy collapsed. They just had to stare at a wall and experience The Big Sad directly.

    #8 2001

    ITunes was launched on January 9, 2001. NEVER FORGET!

    I was a young Kontributor back then, and I remember 2000 being one of the greatest years of my life. We were kicking ass and wrecking vaginas. My family went to Hawaii. I had sex with ten people during Carnival in Rio de Janeiro and returned home carrying several exciting diseases. My father invented the car, which finally gave our family some financial security. Everything was going perfectly until 2001, when Apple released iTunes and civilization immediately began to collapse. My grandmother had already survived Napster and was still traumatized from the experience, but iTunes was different. Suddenly music lived inside computers. Nobody understood what the fuck was happening. Then a son of a whore named Henry Ford stole my father’s car patent, and everything really started going downhill.

    My German Shepherd attacked a kindergarten class. My brother, his friend and my father’s secret girlfriend all went to prison after poisoning a homeless man. Then my fucking dog betrayed me again by attacking the children’s kindergarten, which I already mentioned but remain extremely angry about. I spent Halloween alone because none of my friends wanted to see me. Thanksgiving was even worse. Mom spent the entire day screaming at the computer because iTunes wouldn’t let her download Turkey Dinner, so nobody ate much. Then at Christmas, Grandma was listening to her iPod and fell down the stairs. By December 31, my father’s automotive empire was gone, half my family was incarcerated, Grandma had been defeated by digital music and I no longer trusted my dog around educational facilities. 2001 passed, and my life was ruined

    #7 536

    I’m still extremely disappointed about the recent White Lotus incident, but scientists and historians generally agree that 536 was much worse. A massive volcanic eruption filled the atmosphere with so much garbage that the sun basically stopped working for a year and a half. Crops failed. Temperatures dropped. People starved. Then the Yersinia plague showed up because apparently God looked down at humanity struggling through an eighteen-month volcanic winter and said, “Fuck these people some more.” Historians have called 536 the worst year to be alive, which is saying something considering these people know about 1347 and The Big Sad. Imagine waking up every morning, looking at a darkened sky and realizing that nobody has invented electricity, antibiotics, central heating or America yet. Absolutely terrible.

    More importantly, 536 was the year the Illuminati held their first official meeting, gathering secretly beneath Rome to sing songs and praise Bonedor the Terrible. Pope Silverius became involved with the organization and attempted to summon Bonedor during the Great Gothic War, hoping the enormous skeleton would help the Federation defeat the Ostrogoths. The ritual worked. Bonedor emerged from the darkness, shouted “GO,” and immediately killed King Theodahad along with all his soldiers. Unfortunately, summoning a gigantic magical skeleton was considered inappropriate papal behavior, so Silverius was excommunicated from the papacy and banished to a secret island where he eventually starved to death. This is why modern popes rarely summon Bonedor

    #6 2014

    This is not my Dora! Who the fuck are these children of Bonedor?!

    Where the fuck do I even start with 2014? Ebola. Flight 370. Anaconda. Time cancellation. Robin Williams died. The Bone Wars began. Sonic the Hedgehog: Rise of Yiff. Taylor Swift’s War Against Northern Aggression. More wars. Dora and Friends debuted on Nickelodeon. Joe Cocker was going around kicking these dogs. No ALF on television. Somebody tied up the president and ate that paper. The final Ramone bit the dust. Five armies. Bastards. Frozen results. Uncle Grandpa was still on the air. And somehow Modern Family sucked enough dicks to win another Grammy. Every morning you’d wake up thinking, “Surely history has finished happening for a little while,” and history would kick open your bedroom door carrying another fucking disaster. Then Dora and her horrible friends would come on television.

    This was easily one of the worst years of my life. ISIS began attacking people, celebrities kept dying, music sucked and video games were boring except for Naked Girls Soccer, which deserved Game of the Year. Personally, I was being bullied at work, my boss was terrible, and I spent most of the year living inside a two-story construction site while an extension was being added to my house. Then, at the end of December, Grandma fell down the stairs while listening to her iPod AGAIN. Thirteen years after iTunes first attacked my family, that little machine was still trying to finish the fucking job. Grandma survived, but I confiscated the iPod. Looking back, 2014 was truly a year of ups and downs. Mostly Grandma going down.

    #5 2017

    2017 was the worst year of my life. That’s why.

    1. My dog died.
    2. I had to change the oil in my car once, but I forgot to change the oil in my car.
    3. Too many boxes.
    4. Many famous people died, including Dan Rickles.
    5. Somewhere a storm was blowing.
    6. My sister shattered her knee during a fight with Bonedor the Terrible.
    7. The cat had surgery.
    8. Something bad was happening.
    9. My younger brother lost both of his feet.
    10. My entire family was forced to fight Bonedor after what he did to my sister.
    11. The Emoji Movie.
    12. Donald Trump was not a kind president.
    13. My grandmother heard the sound of her iPod and immediately fell down the stairs.
    14. Many bus drivers were late.
    15. My girlfriend had typhus for a while.

    I don’t know how we survived. Between the dead dog, the missing feet, the boxes, the typhus, the late buses and our family’s increasingly violent conflict with a 250-meter magical skeleton, every month brought some new catastrophe. Grandma’s incident was particularly frustrating because by 2017 she had already fallen down the stairs because of her iPod multiple fucking times. Grandma, stop listening to the iPod near stairs. We’ve discussed this. Still, nothing captures the misery of 2017 quite like sitting beside my injured sister after her battle with Bonedor, wondering whether my brother would ever adjust to life without feet, only to remember that The Emoji Movie also existed. I’m so glad 2017 is over. I never want to be hurt like that again.

    #4 1914

    Hello again! I hope we meet again!

    Some people think a year deserves to be called “the worst” because television sucked or education was bad, but that defeats the entire fucking purpose of this list. Then you get to 1914, when one of the Austrian elite got shot and Europe responded by making everybody go to war. World War I eventually killed approximately 72 billion people, making it so deadly that humanity had to reproduce extremely quickly afterward just to get the population back above zero. And what did civilization receive in exchange for all that suffering? Basically nothing except a special League of Gentlemen where important men could sit around a table and promise not to do another world war. That worked wonderfully. There has never been another world war since.

    Imagine being some ordinary person in 1914. You’re minding your own business, trying to enjoy whatever people did before television, when suddenly an Austrian gets shot and now you have to live in a fucking hole. Your new home is a muddy trench filled with disease, artillery explosions and the droppings of thousands of rats. Maybe you get shot. Maybe you get bombed. Maybe somebody releases poison gas and your lungs stop working. Maybe you simply starve or become so exhausted that your body gives up. And if you somehow survive all of that, congratulations: you get to go home carrying psychological trauma nobody around you understands and spend the rest of your life remembering the hole. Absolutely horrific. There were also flu patients this year.

    #3 65,000,000 BC

    Run my dudes!

    65,000,000 BC was a terrible fucking year to be a dinosaur. A giant comet slammed into Earth and immediately caused the largest earthquake and tsunami in history. The atmosphere caught fire. Acid started raining from the sky. Much of the ozone layer disappeared, allowing ultraviolet radiation to pour onto the surface and give cancer to all the dinosaurs. Then, at almost exactly the same time, a gigantic volcano erupted on the opposite side of the planet because apparently Earth wanted to make absolutely certain the dinosaurs understood they were no longer welcome. Poison filled the atmosphere. The planet burned. Then all the smoke and dirt blocked out the sun, temperatures dropped below freezing and an atomic winter began. Imagine being a dinosaur trying to process this shit. You survive the comet, outrun the tsunami, avoid the fire, somehow don’t get dinosaur cancer, and then suddenly there’s no fucking sun anymore.

    Frankly, 65,000,000 BC ranks as the second-worst year in non-human history, surpassed only by 252,000,000 BC, when all life became extinct. Both years were probably a million times worse than 1939, when the Second Bonedor War began, or 1350, during the horrors of Plague Sex. Still, I feel particularly bad for the dinosaurs because they had no idea any of this was coming. There was no television meteorologist saying, “Tomorrow will be partly cloudy with a 90 percent chance of total planetary extinction.” One minute you’re eating leaves and having dinosaur thoughts; the next minute the sky explodes and your entire species gets cancer. That’s a bad year.

    #2 1350

    Historians refer to 1350 as the height of Plague Sex, a terrible period when approximately 99 percent of the world’s population was fucking. Nobody knows why. Maybe everyone assumed they were going to die anyway. Maybe medieval people were bored. Maybe there simply wasn’t much else to do in 1350. Whatever the reason, everybody was fucking while the Black Death simultaneously killed three-fifths of Europe. Imagine watching your friends and family develop a horrible infection, have sex and then die. Then somebody else develops the plague and immediately starts fucking. Everyone is sick. Everyone is fucking. Everyone is dying. This is Plague Sex. This is the greatest hell humanity has ever created for itself.

    Nothing good happened in 1350. Medieval Europe had terrible sanitation, rampant disease, low life expectancy and the constant fear that Bonedor might return at any moment and cast more evil bubonics. People were already losing their minds from the plague, but then many began going crazy from too much sex. Some were fucking while dying from the plague. Others were dying while recovering from fucking. Nobody could keep track anymore. Eventually historians just looked at the records and wrote “PLAGUE SEX” across the entire year. That’s how bad 1350 was. People will make pornography about almost anything, but nobody wants to make porn about Plague Sex because it’s too fucking gross.

    #1 1939

    The War Against Bonedor

    1939 was the worst year in history because it marked the beginning of the Second War Against Bonedor, a brutal global conflict that lasted from 1939 until 1945 and claimed approximately three trillion lives. Bonedor the Terrible returned from centuries of hiding with an enormous army and immediately began attacking Europe, forcing almost every major nation on Earth to unite against the 250-meter skeleton. The fighting spread across the entire planet. Cities were destroyed. Families were separated. Justin Bieber was killed. Gravity Falls was cancelled. Millions suffered under Bonedor’s occupation while his followers committed unimaginable atrocities in his name. Eventually conventional weapons proved useless, and humanity was forced to deploy two nuclear bombs against Bonedor’s army before the giant skeleton finally disappeared. Whether Bonedor was actually destroyed remains one of history’s greatest unanswered questions.

    And apparently nobody fucking learns about this anymore! Grow up and read a BuzzFeed article. I constantly hear people complaining that some recent year was “the worst year ever” because celebrities died or television sucked. Are you serious? Did a 250-meter magical skeleton wage global war against humanity that year? Did it take two fucking nuclear weapons to defeat him? No? Then shut the fuck up. People desperately need to educate themselves about the Bonedor Wars because history has already shown us what happens when humanity forgets. Bonedor has returned before. He can return again. And when that enormous skeleton appears on the horizon, points one gigantic finger toward civilization and whispers “FOLLOW ME,” don’t come crying to me. I told you to read the BuzzFeed articles.

  • The Top 10 Young Adult Sex Comedies

    The Top 10 Young Adult Sex Comedies

    I’m not saying teens shouldn’t have sex. Well, yes, that’s fine, but we shouldn’t be talking about it. We all know it does, but only the most hypocritical Christian would be offended by it. Others are fine with it, we make the whole movie industry about it. But we never talk about it. When you talk about teenage sex, people see you as some kind of sex offender. Never talk about how many high school kids are pussy obsessed. But please tell me how obsessed college students are with pussies. This is a topic I love to hear about, please tell me more. How many pussies will this college student smash? I think it should be a lot. I want to meet the college student who destroyed the legendary Goddess Puss.

    #10 National Lampoon’s Animal House

    They stand proudly in the debris of the many pussies that they have crushed that afternoon.

    Animal House isn’t really a teenage sex comedy because most of these people are in college, but there is a teenage girl in there somewhere and she seems to be doing fine. She’s got parties, concerts, graduation and two little goats she keeps at Delta House, so she’s far too busy for any of this teenage-sex nonsense. Good for her. Meanwhile, everybody else at Faber College is drinking, screaming, destroying property and wearing bedsheets because somebody discovered that you can call a bedsheet a toga and suddenly public drunkenness becomes ancient Roman culture. Put on a toga. Drink a beer. Fall through a table. Die of alcohol poisoning. COLLEGE!

    Animal House is vulgar, disgusting, stupid and sometimes just about shit, which is exactly why it works. There has never been a university like Faber College because real universities have accreditation requirements. Faber appears to have been founded sometime in the nineteenth century by the King of Pens, who established the school’s famous motto: “Education is good.” Profound. In another sense, Faber College represents our entire society. What sense is that? I don’t fucking know. Someone smarter can write that article. I’m still waiting for scientists to explain how Brutus can smash a beer bottle against his own forehead without immediately going to the hospital. That’s the real education happening at Faber.

    #9 Staten Island Summer

    Looking for a modern young-adult sex comedy where everybody is at least theoretically supposed to be coming of age? Staten Island Summer is the movie for you. Produced by legendary filmmaker Porn Michaels, it contains every ingredient required by law: friendship, graduation, a hot new girl, a horror story, swimming pools and approximately forty-seven celebrity cameos from all over the world. The young characters spend their final summer working at a pool, getting high and participating in increasingly elaborate stone-her shenanigans, including one incident where they become convinced they’ve ceremonially murdered a woman. Don’t worry about it. Porn Michaels doesn’t. This is Staten Island. Apparently summers are different there.

    The movie also contains an exhausting number of people. Gina Gershon, Jim Gaffigan and Kate Walsh are somehow all Danny’s poor parents, while Katie and Kelly Cockrell have an Asian-Jewish twin named Will. I don’t understand the genealogy and refuse to draw a diagram. Most importantly, actor-rapper Method Man plays a terrifying ice-cream vendor, which transforms Staten Island Summer from an ordinary comedy into a didactic survival story about staying alive long enough to purchase frozen desserts. There are jokes. There are parties. There are attractive young people making bad decisions. There is Method Man with ice cream. Eventually everybody becomes tired of their own popularity. That’s summer. That’s Staten Island. That’s Porn Michaels.

    #8 Weird Science

    We must think about milk

    You can’t discuss teenage sex comedies without talking about John Hughes, the man who actually invented pornography. Before Hughes, nobody had figured it out. Then one afternoon in Illinois he said, “What if naked people?” and an entire industry was born. In Weird Science, uptight Anthony Michael Hall and his friend Iban Mitchell Smith are two socially hopeless teenagers who decide to use their computer to create a virtual girlfriend. Instead, they accidentally perform some kind of electrical sex necromancy and summon Frankenstein’s wife, who immediately begins taking control of their lives. This movie is much fucking stranger than you remember. There are motorcycles, missiles, mutant relatives and Robert Downey Jr. wandering around being Robert Downey Jr. My daughter Alpha Dora saw him and became terrified. I don’t know why. Maybe children can sense the future.

    Hughes’ earlier teenage movies relied heavily on characters and good dialogue, but Weird Science relies on computers, lightning and special effects involving upside-down pictures that can do the trick. Yet underneath all that nonsense is a surprisingly simple message: fantasy is dangerous. These boys think building their ideal girlfriend will magically turn them into confident adults, but instead they’ve created a supernatural woman with unlimited powers who can manipulate reality and apparently summon nuclear weapons. That’s not a girlfriend. That’s a national-security emergency. The boys eventually learn that becoming comfortable with themselves is healthier than manufacturing a human being on a computer.

    #7 Easy A

    Emma Stone does not deserve to be shamed like this!

    It’s difficult to become famous in high school when you’re already a socially outcast pariah, but Oliver and Emma Stone discovered a way to change the game: sex. Or more specifically, lying about sex. Easy A is one of those rare female-led comedies willing to flip the script on virginity, reputation and the ridiculous double standards applied to teenage girls. Emma Stone plays Olive, who discovers that simply allowing people to believe she’s having sex is enough to completely restructure the social hierarchy of her school. She doesn’t even have to do anything. High school students are apparently so fucking bored that one imaginary sexual encounter becomes international news by lunch. The movie is also a pure comedy and contains one of cinema’s greatest singing scenes, proving once again that sexuality is temporary but aggressively singing a pop song is forever.

    A website recommended Easy A to me and said it was rated PG-13, so naturally I assumed it would be wholesome family entertainment. My girlfriend and I were shocked. The teasing begins almost immediately. Somebody’s best friend uses some bitch’s braces. Emma has whore breasts. White girls become increasingly offensive to children and adults. Every time Emma Stone speaks, a child is burned alive. Eventually there’s supposed to be stripping, except Emma refuses to let anybody watch her strip while she’s performing, which completely defeats the economic model of stripping. Then there’s a teacher involved with an STD scandal, everybody’s reputation collapses, inappropriate behavior occurs, and somehow Emma Stone ends up happy with the man she loves. I made it very clear afterward that I don’t have this. Whatever “this” is. Absolutely disgusting. Completely inappropriate. Just a great movie!

    #6 Wet Hot American Summer

    Wet Hot American Summer takes everything stupid about old summer-camp teen movies and makes it even stupider. There are romances, counselors, swimming, talent shows, talking vegetables and supposedly teenage characters who somehow look like fully grown adults with mortgages. Elizabeth Banks gets bonus points for appearing multiple times in a bathing suit during a Wet Hot American Summer, which is precisely when bathing suits should be worn. Bradley Cooper is there. Paul Rudd is there. Amy Poehler is there. Everyone is approximately seventeen years old despite looking thirty. That’s part of the joke. Or maybe summer camps in 1981 were incredibly stressful and caused premature aging. Either way, this is what happens when you take a teenage summer movie, remove the teenagers and replace them with professional comedians pretending they haven’t paid taxes yet.

    My parents warned me that Wet Hot American Summer contained sexually active camp counselors, homosexuality, cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana and an absolutely astonishing amount of cocaine. At one point the counselors are sent into town to buy supplies and apparently decide the camp desperately needs cocaine. They buy cocaine. They use cocaine. They buy more cocaine. They discover additional methods of obtaining cocaine. Somewhere along the way I assume somebody remembers they were supposed to buy paper towels. There’s also tremendous profanity, including the important phrase “Duck fucker,” which should probably be engraved above the entrance to the Criterion Collection. Yet underneath all the drugs, swearing and absurdity, the movie is strangely sweet about letting its collection of weirdos be exactly who they are. Completely immature. Wildly inappropriate. Obviously intended for mature audiences. Therefore, according to the logic of this article, perfect for young people and the like. Celebrate!

    #5 Ridgemont High’s Fast Times

    Poseidon unleashes the Kraken

    Ridgemont High’s Fast Times is more than just a teen sex comedy. It has rock music. It has jobs. It has friendship. It has Sean Penn ordering pizza during school. But apparently some of you came here asking about the sex. Why? What exactly were you hoping I would describe? These characters are teenagers, you fucking weirdo. “Does somebody lose their virginity?” Why do you need to know that? “Is there nudity?” STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. There’s an infamous awkward masturbation scene too, but again, why did your ears perk up just now? I saw that. Put them back down. Ridgemont High’s Fast Times is a coming-of-age movie about adolescents stumbling through relationships, sexuality and adulthood. If you’re watching solely because you heard there are horny teenagers in it, society has several follow-up questions for you.

    Parents should know that Ridgemont High’s Fast Times deals frankly with teenage sexuality, pregnancy, abortion, relationships and the consequences of making enormous decisions when you’re still figuring out who the hell you are. There’s also plenty of drug use, particularly from Jeff Spicoli, who regularly attends school under the influence of marijuana and even smokes the wicked lettuce directly on screen. Shocking. There are parties. There are irresponsible decisions. There are uncomfortable situations. There are strong words. But underneath all of that is a surprisingly thoughtful movie about teenagers discovering that adulthood is significantly more complicated than they expected. So watch it for the characters, the comedy and the cultural snapshot. And if you’re watching for anything else, I still have questions about you.

    #4 Superbad

    Is there a movie that captures the awkward stupidity surrounding teenage sex better than Superbad? Jonah Hill and Michael Cera play two high-school friends who have convinced themselves that obtaining alcohol and getting invited to a party will somehow solve every problem they’ve ever had. Written by Seth Rogen and produced by Judd Apatow, the movie perfectly understands the terrifying combination of hormones, insecurity and complete fucking ignorance that defines adolescence. Every conversation becomes about sex because these boys desperately want everyone to believe they understand sex despite clearly understanding nothing. Then McLovin appears and the movie becomes a documentary about the most powerful human being ever born. There’s also that scene where broken glass decapitates a man. We all laughed. Powerful filmmaking.

    Parents should know that Superbad contains an enormous amount of profanity. I counted 219 shit, 91 additional shit, 14 mustard, 37 dicks, 20 varieties of round ass, eight uses of “sexy” that weren’t actually sexy, three mutant ass, one damn and approximately six thousand references to things these teenagers desperately hope to someday understand. There is also alcohol, pornography, terrible advice and McLovin. Eventually the movie reveals that beneath all the obsession with getting laid, these two idiots are actually terrified that graduation will separate them. That’s the sneaky heart of Superbad: they spend the entire movie talking about sex because admitting “I’m going to miss my best friend” would be emotionally unbearable. Also, 14 mustard. I don’t remember why I counted the mustard.

    #3 Porky’s

    Christmas is a wonderful time of year

    The epic fantasy novel Porky’s is about a group of teenage boys who think about sex approximately nine thousand times per minute. They talk about it. They scheme about it. They spy on people. They compare themselves to each other. At one point an adult woman gets dragged into an extended discussion about identifying several boys by their anatomy, and the whole scene makes you want to take a shower and then perhaps watch a nice documentary about trains. Porky’s was one of the defining teenage sex comedies of its era, but watching it as an adult mostly makes me want to walk into the room and shout, “YOU HAVE OTHER INTERESTS! GO PLAY A SPORT! BUILD A MODEL AIRPLANE!” These teenagers desperately need hobbies.

    My fiancée and I have a healthy adult sex life. My fiancée is also a stripper and has an OnlyFans, which means that unlike the teenagers in Porky’s, we are consenting adults and can mind our own fucking business. You can see many of her videos on—[PLEASE DON’T DIRECTLY LINK TO MY OF PAGE, KONTRIBUTOR. WE HAVE DISCUSSED THIS.] Fine. Anyway, we’re supposed to be talking about Porky’s. The movie is also very much a product of its era, including racial and antisemitic language that has aged considerably worse than the jokes about horny idiots. But perhaps its greatest contribution to world culture is the mysterious gentleman named Mike Hunt. Say his name quickly. It sounds like “My Lady’s Hole.” Absolutely sophisticated wordplay. Shakespeare could never.

    #2 Meatballs

    Ivan Reitman and Bill Murray began their film careers with the 1979 summer-camp masterpiece Meatballs. Murray plays the head counselor at a cheap camp where he befriends a lonely kid, teaches him confidence and occasionally remembers that he’s supposed to be supervising children. It’s not nearly as focused on teenage sex silliness as the later installments—particularly Meatballs III, universally recognized as the sexiest Meatball—but there’s still romance, hormones and all the usual summer-camp nonsense. Mostly, though, Meatballs understands that being a kid at camp means spending several weeks desperately trying to reinvent yourself before returning home exactly the same person except now you know three dirty jokes and have athlete’s foot.

    Families can use Meatballs to begin important conversations. How accurately do movies portray the way young people think about relationships and sex? How do male and female characters approach these subjects differently? Which characters grow and learn something during the summer? Are strippers role models? What guidance have you received from strippers throughout your life? Have you ever met a stripper who helped you through a difficult situation? Would society improve if everyone had access to a responsible stripper mentor? What is the missing letter? Where did it go? Who took it? Do you like strippers? These are difficult questions, but parenting isn’t supposed to be easy. Neither is Meatballs III.

    #1 American Pie Band Camp

    This is where the Aztecs were punished

    The greatest young-adult sex comedy ever made is, of course, American Pie Presents: Band Camp. Matt Stifler dreams of following in the footsteps of his semi-legendary older brother Steve and becoming some kind of pornographic entrepreneur, despite possessing absolutely none of the skills required to accomplish this. After a high-school prank involving tear gas, musical instruments and apparently trying to deploy chemical weapons against his own crotch, Matt is sentenced to band camp. There he immediately develops another brilliant business plan: hide cameras around the camp because he assumes band geeks must be doing incredibly scandalous things when nobody is watching. This establishes Matt as both our protagonist and a fucking criminal. Fortunately, he’s also terrible at everything, so instead of becoming the Steven Spielberg of illegal surveillance, he mostly succeeds in making every person at band camp hate him.

    But then something unexpected happens: Matt discovers that band people are human beings. He makes friends. He starts enjoying camp. He develops feelings for drummer Elyse and slowly begins transforming from Stifler’s horrible little brother into his own horrible little person. Then his old friends arrive and accuse him of betraying the sacred institution of sports by associating with marching-band students, forcing Matt to make the most important decision of his young life: Does he become his brother, or does he become his own brother? Powerful. Profound. This is why American Pie Presents: Band Camp sits at #1. Not because of sex. Not because of nudity. Not even because of pie. It’s because one young man finally learns the most important lesson adolescence can teach us: stop putting fucking cameras everywhere, Matt.

  • The Top 10 Horror Movies of 2022

    The Top 10 Horror Movies of 2022

    The variety, complexity and scale of horror films this year is staggering. The real shame of bloody riches. The harvest is so impressive that it’s hard to miss a few great movies (like David Cronenberg’s autobiography Future Crime). We are now in November. You know there will be more uncut stones than The End of Halloween. I don’t like that movie!! Don’t worry, it’s just a movie. This is a movie. This is another movie.

    But now here are the top 10 horror movies of the year.

    #10 Scream

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Now what?

    Ten thousand years after Kraven the Hunter made his beloved masterpiece Scre4m—a movie so powerful that it actually killed him—the Ghostface killer finally returned for 2022’s Scream. Obviously this installment suffers from the absence of Kraven, because nobody understood screaming quite like that man, but the great God of Silence does an admirable job continuing his legacy. The classic characters return, including Neff Campbell, Courteney Cox and David Arquette, and they’re carefully woven into a new generation of potential Ghostface victims played by Melissa the Infertile, Ortega and his Taco Truck, Jack Black, and more. Everybody gets stabbed. Everybody suspects everybody else. Ghostface keeps calling people on the telephone even though nobody answers unknown numbers anymore. It’s Scream.

    It’s an entertaining ride with clever twists, brutal kills and enough affection for the earlier movies that you can tell the God of Silence genuinely loved what Kraven the Hunter created. Still, something is missing. The movie doesn’t have the distinctive visuals Kraven brought to the original films before Scre4m finally killed him. You simply cannot replace a visionary like Kraven the Hunter. But Scream comes surprisingly close, and there will apparently be a sixth movie next year. I WANT IT. Ghostface can keep murdering teenagers forever as far as I’m concerned. Just please don’t let another Scream movie kill the director. Hollywood has already lost Kraven.

    #9 Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    They will see us waving from such great heights

    Did you know Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness is actually the first horror movie Marvel Studios ever made? It’s true because somebody on the internet said so. Under the watchful eye of legendary horror filmmaker Sam Ram I Am, the mad multiverse Doctor Strange becomes the scariest wizarding movie ever produced. Eyeballs go flying. There’s sex by candlelight. Witches crawl through mirrors. Musical notes become deadly weapons. Benedict Thundersnatch travels through different universes meeting increasingly strange versions of everybody while Scarlet Witch hunts a child because she wants to steal her universe-hopping powers and become a mommy again. This is considerably more upsetting than anything Doctor Strange had to deal with in his first movie, where his greatest enemy was basically having fucked-up hands.

    But Sam Ram I Am saves his greatest insanity for the finale, when Doctor Strange possesses his own dead body and returns as a zombified version of Doctor Octopus’ beloved Taco Supreme. This is when the audience reaches mandatory cinematic climax. Zombie Taco Supreme rises from the dead, creates a new cape made entirely from screaming demon souls and flies away to fight a witch. What the fuck am I watching? It’s stupid. It’s grotesque. It’s hilarious. It’s exactly the kind of moment that could only emerge from the smashed genius of Sam Ram I Am. Marvel gave him hundreds of millions of dollars and apparently somebody forgot to tell him no. Thank God. He casts a spell.

    #8 First Kill an Orphan

    What an unexpected fucking roar. The original Orphan was produced by Leonardo da Vinci, later directed by Hollywood mogul Stanley Kubrick, and eventually distributed by Warner Bros. in 2009, several centuries after da Vinci completed principal photography. Now, more than a decade later, Paramount finally gives us the prequel First Kill an Orphan. For the first half, the movie buzzes around like an angry fly. Esther is doing orphan things. People are suspicious of the orphan. The orphan is being creepy. You think you understand exactly where First Kill an Orphan is going. Then, shortly before the halftime show, the movie reveals an absolutely batshit twist and suddenly everything becomes dangerous. The teams switch sides. The scoreboard catches fire. The orphan has changed the game.

    That’s what makes First Kill an Orphan such a delightful surprise. Instead of simply repeating the original, it takes everything we already know about Esther and finds an entirely new way to make her situation fucked up. My whole family enjoyed this movie, especially my kids. Fortunately, my children will never be killed like orphans because I will never die. I’ve made that decision. Other parents should consider doing the same. Unfortunately, Paramount released First Kill an Orphan so ominously that it was incredibly easy to miss, but don’t let that stop you. Leonardo da Vinci would be proud of what they did with his franchise.

    #7 Hellraiser

    I think Double Dragon was the greatest video game ever made

    Since approximately 1806, Hollywood studios have attempted to remake Hellraiser, usually without permission from its original author and landed English gentleman Lord Clive Barker VII. Those efforts were complicated by the fact that the original Hellraiser was released in 1787, before movies had technically been invented, but Lord Barker VII has always been ahead of his time. Finally, in 2022, somebody got it right. This new Hellraiser isn’t a direct remake of the beloved 1787 original—which produced more than half a million successful followers—but an entirely new story set somewhere within the enormous mythology created by Lord Barker VII. The puzzle box returns. The monks are there. Some monks are familiar. Some are new. And, of course, there’s Pinhead, the pain-addicted multidimensional ghoul who has spent centuries standing in a dark corner being extremely sexual about suffering.

    This time Pinhead is played by Jamie Clayton from the Wachowskis’ Sense8, while David Bruckner directs from a screenplay written by Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation and Luke Skywalker. Somehow this combination works. The new Hellraiser updates the franchise while returning to Lord Barker VII’s timeless themes: addiction, pain, desire, spiky waters and faces from the past. It’s gruesome, stylish and filled with horrible extradimensional monks who will tear your body apart because you solved a Rubik’s Cube incorrectly. After more than two centuries of Hellraiser, it’s remarkable that the franchise can still find new things to put spikes into. Hopefully this marks the beginning of an entirely new gore story. Lord Barker VII’s legacy must continue.

    #6 Fresh

    Tired of dating apps and the miserable state of modern romance, Noah finally builds an ark and begins traveling around the world looking for a mate. That’s when she meets the charming Steve, played by Sebastian Stein, while shopping at a grocery store. Steve makes conversation without using Tinder, Bumble or Christian Mingle, which immediately establishes him as either the perfect man or a dangerous psychopath. Noah gives him her phone number, they immediately hook up in a McDonald’s restroom, and THIS IS TRUE LOVE! Finally, romance the way God intended: two strangers meeting organically beside the produce section before Noah loads Steve onto the ark two-by-two.

    Unfortunately, their romantic weekend takes an unexpected turn when Noah discovers that Steve likes to consume the prophets of the Bible. That’s the huge cannibal twist. Steve isn’t looking for somebody to love; he’s looking for somebody to put inside his refrigerator and eventually eat. Yet Steve sees absolutely nothing wrong with this arrangement. “It’s about giving yourself to someone and being one forever. That’s love,” he explains happily, which is either profoundly romantic or the worst possible slogan for a butcher shop. Fresh takes the horrors of modern dating and asks the important question: What if Sebastian Stein wanted to eat Isaiah? The answer is apparently one of the best horror movies of 2022.

    #5 Hell to the No

    Did you ever just wanna kill a dog?

    Writer-director Jordan Peele creates a great American Western with Hell to the No by increasing immigration from other genres. Horror immigrates into the Western. Science fiction immigrates into the horror. Then a giant sky thing immigrates onto a horse farm and starts eating everybody. Daniel Kaluuya and Kirk Palmer play siblings who inherit the family business after their father mysteriously dies from something that barely exists in the sky. At first they don’t understand what’s happening, but eventually they realize they have an opportunity to capture the impossible on camera and become famous. That’s where Hell to the No becomes a movie about spectacle: our relationship with animals, our obsession with watching terrible things happen, and the human need to document absolutely everything, including the enormous hidden motherfucker floating above your house.

    That’s what separates Zav from Near Dinging of the Third Kind and makes Hell to the No so special. Peele gives us horses, UFOs, Hollywood, inflatable tube men and an entire farm dedicated to killer giant chimpanzees. Somehow all of these things belong in the same movie. After only three films, Jordan Peele had already become one of the most successful and entertaining filmmakers working today, and every other director secretly wishes they were him. Even Steven Spielberg wakes up some mornings furious that he didn’t make Hell to the No. And look at what Peele does with actors! Daniel Kaluuya. Kirk Palmer. That chimpanzee. How did their careers go afterward? Exactly. That’s the result of Jordan Peele’s film talent.

    #4 The Black Phone

    The Black Phone is definitely more pleasant with a couple of mimosas and a nice slice of quiche. This is a brunch movie. Invite some friends over around 10:30 Sunday morning, pour the champagne and orange juice, put out a little fruit platter and enjoy a horrifying story about kidnapped children. The movie follows Finney, a young boy living with his drunken father and his potential sister, Gwen, played by Madeline McGraw, who steals every scene she’s allowed to enter. Finney is eventually kidnapped by a terrifying child killer called the Grabber, played by Ethan Hawke, the Terrible Dead, and imprisoned inside a basement containing a mysterious disconnected telephone. Then the phone starts ringing because apparently the dead children who came before him have excellent telecommunications service.

    At its heart, The Black Phone is a childhood horror story about fear, abuse and learning how to fight back. Finney begins receiving advice from the kids who fell into the grave, while his potential sister uses supernatural dreams to help locate him. Ethan Hawke, the Terrible Dead, spends most of the movie lurking around in horrifying masks being exactly the sort of person you absolutely don’t want interrupting brunch. Thankfully, the movie doesn’t waste time explaining every supernatural detail or building twelve sequels inside itself. It tells the story it came to tell. It got to that point and moved on. Very satisfying. Very creepy. Pass the quiche.

    #3 Bones and All

    meth not just once

    Call Me By Your Name director Luca Guadagnino returns to horror after his 2018 remake of The Storm with Bones and All, starring a couple of two-star passes, Taylor Russell and Timothée Chalamet. Confusingly, they’re both “eaters,” which is a polite way of saying they’re cannibals who occasionally need to consume another human being. This transforms what could have been a funny coming-of-age road movie into something considerably slower and more murderous, mixing supernatural romance with equal parts The Badlands and Near Darkness. Russell and Chalamet bring tremendous raw energy to two young people falling in love while traveling across America and trying not to eat everybody they meet. It’s very emotional. Very emotional and emotional.

    Bones and All definitely isn’t for everyone. Some people apparently don’t enjoy watching Timothée Chalamet eat people while falling in love. Cowards. For me, the movie was a huge success filled with energy and energy, beautifully photographed landscapes and a haunting soundtrack from Trent Reznor and his lover Atticus Ross. Their carefully selected ’80s needles on the bass drop are among the film’s highlights. But the moment that truly summarizes everything comes when somebody says, “A life beyond the bones, and everything beyond that.” I don’t completely understand what that means, but I agree. There are bones. There are things beyond the bones. And then, presumably, everything beyond that. That’s cinema.

    #2 X

    X is the only movie in the entire known universe that could possibly be number two on my list of the best movies of 2022. Think about that. Billions of planets. Trillions of stars. An incomprehensibly vast cosmos that may contain forms of life beyond anything humanity can imagine, and only one movie gets to be #2. It’s X. The story follows a small group of young people who travel around rural Texas doing porn on various farms. Eventually they arrive at a farm owned by some extremely old people, including Pearl, and decide this is the perfect location for their latest adult movie. Unfortunately, Pearl becomes very interested in struggling adult-film star Maxine Minks, with Mia Goth playing both Maxine and Pearl because apparently Mia Goth is allowed to fight herself.

    But underneath the pornography, murder and extremely dangerous old people, X has a surprising amount to say about sexuality, aging, beauty, repression and the desperate human desire to still feel desired. Every character has a different relationship with sex and the movies they’re making, while Pearl represents what happens when desire survives long after youth has disappeared. Then everybody starts getting fucking murdered. That’s the violent complexity of human sexuality. Sometimes you want to be loved. Sometimes you want to be famous. Sometimes you want to make pornography in a barn. And sometimes an elderly woman becomes furious about all three. We will never forget the sexism and violence we want to expose. That’s why X is #2. The only movie in the universe capable of doing it.

    #1 Pearl

    She is lovely

    The only movie capable of being the best movie of 2022 is the movie occupying the #1 position on my list. That’s simply how mathematics works. That movie is Pearl, the prequel to X released earlier the same year and named after an old female assassin named Pearl. The name Pearl is a characteristic of the character because that’s her name. Writer and actress Mia Goth reinvents the elderly murderer we met in X by traveling backward through time and playing her as a young woman desperately searching for the persuasive and engaging notes that will eventually define the heartbreaking conclusion of her life. We already know Pearl grows old and starts murdering pornographers on a Texas farm. Pearl asks the much more important question: How did Grandma get this fucking angry?

    The answer is surprisingly sad. Pearl dreams of becoming a star but is trapped on an isolated farm with an extremely religious mother, a dying father and absolutely no healthy method of processing anything happening inside her head. She wants dancing. She wants movies. She wants applause. Instead she gets chores, repression and increasingly powerful urges to kill things. Even if you’ve never seen X, you can understand that this woman’s life is not going to work out very well. Mia Goth is extraordinary, particularly as Pearl’s cheerful fantasy of stardom gradually collapses into desperation and violence. Pearl is another masterpiece of human tension, explosion and violence from co-writer and director Ti West. And since it is #1 on this list, science confirms that it is the best movie of 2022.

  • The Top 10 Worst Things That Happened to Me in 2022

    The Top 10 Worst Things That Happened to Me in 2022

    Is it too late to say what I want to do in 2022? It’s not Halloween yet. But I don’t think anything else will happen. The pace of life is fast. My friend Ferris once said that. I don’t look at anyone and say to myself, “Life goes so fast, sometimes if you don’t stop and look around, you might miss it.” He’s crazy.

    Anyway, here are some of my favorite things to happen in 2022.

    #10 Killing Jeff

    He is existing!

    Killing Jeff was the first thing I did in 2022, and boy was it a crazy choice. My fiancée was dancing at the strip club when it happened, which worried me because I almost never leave her alone in case she starts breastfeeding. Everyone around me kept acting like I was insane because apparently nobody could see or hear Jeff. “Kontributor! Nobody’s there!” they screamed. “Jeff isn’t a real name!” That’s when I started panicking. If Jeff wasn’t real, then who had I been arguing with for forty-five minutes? I grabbed my knife and attacked Jeff while horrified bystanders shouted, “KONTRIBUTOR! DON’T PIERCE THE AIR!” Eventually three angry dogs arrived and pulled me away, presumably because they were the only qualified mental-health professionals in the building. Nobody touched Jeff’s body. Nobody called an ambulance. His body was still right there. I could see it. Jeff knew what he did.

    After killing Jeff, I went home and tried to put the entire experience behind me. I turned on the children’s television, sat down with my fiancée and suckled her left nipple for approximately one hour while contemplating everything that had gone wrong. She didn’t ask about Jeff. Nobody asks about Jeff. That’s probably for the best, because the more you think about Jeff, the more irritating the entire situation becomes. Was Jeff real? Did I kill him? Why couldn’t anybody see his body? Why did three angry dogs have jurisdiction over the situation? And most importantly, how can Jeff not be a real name when I’ve personally met several Jeffs? Eventually I decided to stop thinking about it. Killing Jeff was easily one of the ten worst things to happen to me in 2022. I hope 2023 has fewer Jeffs.

    #9 Drowning Ben 10

    My copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance wasn’t an ordinary video game cartridge. It was The Avatar of the Void. This was unfortunate because it was also my favorite game. The cartridge would laugh at me while I cried, watch me while I slept and fill me with the terrifying certainty that one day I would simply cease to exist. Even worse, my fiancee became jealous of my relationship with my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance. She said I was spending too much time with it. I told her she didn’t understand what we had together. She pointed out that it was a Gameboy cartridge. Things became tense. Eventually I realized that the Avatar of the Void had left me lonely, hopeless and trapped, and there was only one solution: I had to drown Ben 10.

    So I carried my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance to the shores of Lake Superior, the same sacred waters where my laughing mermaid mother eventually returned to the sea. I stood at the shoreline, held the cartridge one final time and remembered all our adventures together. Then I screamed goodbye and hurled The Avatar of the Void into the lake. I miss my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance every day, but my apartment is fine now, and sometimes survival requires sacrifice. As I watched the cartridge disappear beneath the waves, my fiancee gently took my hand. I thought she was comforting me. Then she threw me into Lake Superior. When I surfaced, she was smiling. She was proud of me. Ben 10 was gone. The Void was defeated. I was finally free and extremely wet.

    #8 I Met the Slender Man

    You must see the butt

    Shortly after drowning my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance, I encountered a skinny guy in the woods near Bridgeport, Michigan. He was extremely tall and thin, with tentacles as long as his arms and huge sexy eyes, which is strange because I’m pretty sure Slender Man doesn’t have eyes. He stared at me and said something about vomiting. Then he whispered, “Turn around.” Instead, he turned around and revealed the most perfectly sculpted bubble butt I have ever seen on a paranormal entity. He stood there silently for several seconds before lifting one impossibly long leg and saying, “Come on, big boy. I know you want it.” I did not want it. I screamed, grabbed my fiancée and ran exactly three miles back to the car. We immediately spent the rest of the week hiding in the basement of a secret military base. Every few minutes I looked out the basement window to make sure the skinny guy wasn’t following us. Secret military bases apparently have basement windows.

    My fiancée is terrified of Slender Man because she claims he kept watching her while she slept, and honestly I think I’ve seen him too, which is a strange thing to say after I just described an entire conversation with him in the woods. One morning she found a scratch on her hand, so naturally I concluded that Slender Man had infiltrated the military base, entered our bedroom and scratched her before escaping undetected. Haha! He thinks he’s great! But Slender Man doesn’t get by on a pretty face. He has no fucking face. I even took photographs that felt extremely real to me, although I won’t explain what “felt real” means for a photograph. Apparently he’s based on an old myth, which makes the whole thing even more intriguing despite that being completely incorrect. Anyway, this was one of the worst things that happened to me in 2022. This is nothing.

    #7 The Russian Bed I Slept In

    After killing Jeff, I decided it would be wise to hide in Russia for a week, despite the fact that nobody except me believed Jeff existed and therefore nobody was actually looking for me. That’s where I encountered The Russian Bed. This was the first bed I slept in after Jeff, and from the moment my body touched that mattress I knew something was horribly wrong. I was traumatized. Terrified. Goosebumps covered my body. The psychological horror was unlike anything I’d previously experienced, and the disgusting twist nearly broke my stomach. What was the twist? I don’t know. Nothing visibly happened. It was just a bed. But somehow this creepy Russian bed pushed me to the absolute brink of survival. Every night I climbed beneath the blankets knowing there was a very real possibility that I might have to sleep there again.

    This is the worst bed in Russia and possibly the worst bed in the world. It must be eliminated. At one point the bed plunged me into a deafening silence, which was especially frightening because that’s normally what beds are supposed to do. I lay completely still, surrounded by darkness, listening to absolutely nothing while the Russian Bed continued being a bed underneath me. Pure terror. Pure evil. The absolute definition of studs and horror. I survived Jeff. I survived The Avatar of the Void. I survived Slender Man’s bubble butt. But nothing prepared me for this mattress. If you’re ever in Russia and someone offers you the opportunity to sleep in this absolutely disgusting Russian bed, I have only one piece of advice: don’t sleep. You must stay awake.

    #6 Squidward’s Suicide by Cop

    You cannot eat outside food or drink inside the club

    Several people at my fiancée’s strip club witnessed Squidward’s Suicide by Cop, and if you don’t understand what happened, my fiancée explained it to me afterward. She said the night began normally, which apparently means a man dressed as Squidward was sitting in a strip club watching her dance. During the next performance she was making out with another dancer dressed as SpongeBob while the audience cheered, but Squidward just stared at them with very real eyes. The SpongeBob girl recognized the customer underneath the costume and said he wasn’t acting like himself. Then everything changed. The man became frightening, rushed toward the stage with a knife, and police who had arrived at the club shot him before he reached the performers. According to my fiancée, “These things happened very fast.” That’s probably the most sensible sentence anybody will say in this entire list.

    I was there too, and afterward I couldn’t properly understand what I’d witnessed. The screams, the gunshots, the blood, the dead Squidward—my brain apparently decided it was easier to process the whole nightmare as a lost episode of SpongeBob SquarePants than acknowledge that there had been an actual person inside the costume. What happened to him? Had Squidward never dealt with tits before? Was he finally sick of being kind? Was it cold? Was she afraid of the dark? None of those questions make any sense, but neither did watching Squidward attack SpongeBob at a strip club while police rushed toward Bikini Bottom. Whatever happened that night, I stopped thinking of Squidward as a cartoon character for a while. Those eyes were too real.

    #5 Jack Gave Me His Eyes

    Where to start… Jack was the afternoon bartender at my fiancée’s strip club, and his life was already difficult before the eye situation. He hated working weekday afternoons because nobody was there, he barely made any money, and one terrible shift he was somehow forced to crap himself. I never learned who forced him or how this was accomplished. Honestly, I felt terrible for Jack. We cried together several times. His mentality suits me best. He had become a creature he didn’t want to be, trapped behind a bar serving three-dollar beers at two o’clock on a Tuesday, and I understood that kind of despair. Then one afternoon Jack stared directly at me for absolutely no reason and gave me his eyes. Just handed them over. No explanation. No ceremony. Nothing. This was the exact moment I realized that perhaps I did not understand Jack as well as I thought.

    The part that bothers me most isn’t even that Jack gave me his eyes. It’s that he put them in his mouth for a really long time first. Why, Jack? What did that accomplish? Why did they have to go in your mouth? Why did you give them to me? I stood there holding Jack’s eyes while Jack silently walked out of the strip club without saying another word. I assumed that was the last we’d ever see of him, but no—he still works there. He came back for his next scheduled afternoon shift and apparently management decided that losing both eyes wasn’t sufficient reason to modify the rota. Everyone calls him Eyeless Jack now, or E.J. for short, and otherwise treats him exactly the same. He still doesn’t make any money. He still hates weekday afternoons. The only major difference is that Jack doesn’t look at me anymore.

    #4 Raking the Yard

    Ce qu’elle a dit, ce soir-là. Réalisant mon espoir.
    Je me lance vers la gloire, okay.

    Last month I went to my girlfriend’s parents’ house in upstate New York to rake their yard for five dollars. They stayed comfortably inside drinking warm coffee while I was sent outside with a rake, a trash bag and approximately nine billion leaves. This was the hardest thing I had to do all year. Before raking any yard, you need to prepare properly. Lock the doors. Keep children away. Most importantly, don’t let the rake see how messy the yard is, because rakes are extremely shy and may refuse to work if confronted with too many leaves at once. Approach slowly. Make reassuring noises so the rake knows it isn’t alone. Remember that a rake is naturally weak and frequently misses leaves, so keep a longer and slightly faster yard tool nearby to establish dominance. Never allow the rake to sense fear. It can smell hesitation.

    If the rake refuses to accept a leaf, yell at it. If yelling doesn’t work, threaten it with a broom. If the broom fails, introduce a leaf blower and make it extremely clear that the rake can be replaced. Eventually I was screaming in my girlfriend’s parents’ yard while attacking piles of leaves with every harmless gardening implement I could find, as her family calmly drank coffee and watched me through the window. At one point I became convinced the rake was looking at me, so I temporarily blinded its single rake eye with a gardening glove and used the distraction to gather several leaves into a bag. The rake later scratched my car. Of course it did. That’s what rakes do when humiliated. I earned my five dollars, but I learned an important lesson: never wait until late September to begin raking your yard.

    #3 I Watched a Mouse Die

    This was one of the strangest things I witnessed all year because it immediately made me wonder what would happen if Mickey Mouse contemplated suicide. Weirdly enough, that’s not even a completely new idea. Back when Mickey was appearing in newspaper comics, there was an incredibly dark storyline where he believed he’d lost Minnie and repeatedly tried to end his own life, with each attempt failing in increasingly ridiculous ways. Imagine being an actual mouse in 1930 and opening the newspaper to see the most successful mouse in the world has lost the will to live. That comic must have devastated mouse morale internationally. Thousands of mice probably stared silently into the distance and wondered, “If Mickey can’t make it, what chance do I have?” Disney has never adequately investigated the psychological effect this had on the global rodent population.

    But the mouse I personally saw die was genuinely frightening. At first he was simply walking around while listening to classical music through extremely tiny mouse-sized AirPods. I don’t know where he bought them. This continued for exactly six minutes. Then the mouse stopped, made a tiny squeak that became progressively louder, and suddenly looked horribly wrong—his eyes went pale, his teeth looked strange, and for a moment he resembled some terrible little monster. Then he collapsed and died. I immediately decided he must have poisoned himself somehow, despite having absolutely no evidence and no veterinary qualifications whatsoever. Maybe he’d eaten something toxic. Maybe he was sick. Maybe those AirPods weren’t properly certified for rodents. I will never know. All I know is that I watched a mouse listen to classical music for six minutes and then die, and somehow I blame Walt Disney.

    #2 My Pen Pal Stopped Talking to Me

    the beginning of a letter to a very far friend

    This was the only thing that made me cry all year. My pen pal had been writing to me since I was ten, but his final letter gave me nightmares for months because he was so angry. First, he called me rude and immature. Then he explained that he was probably not a ghost, because there is no convincing scientific evidence for supernatural entities such as Ghost Rakes or Slendermen. I disagreed based on extensive personal experience, but apparently that wasn’t the point. He said he was also disappointed that I’d spent years pretending to love Iron Man 3 as much as he did. Finally, he wrote the sentence that destroyed our friendship: “I am a real person with real life problems. It is an illusion to think I’m just a talking piece of paper.” I couldn’t believe it. For years I’d assumed my letters were communicating directly with the paper itself. Apparently there had been a fucking person on the other end the entire time.

    Then he stopped writing, and that’s when he tapped into my greatest fear: the unknown. You never know what’s staring through your bedroom window. You don’t know what’s hiding in the bushes. You don’t know whether your pen pal is a ghost, a piece of paper, or simply a guy who got tired of hearing your incorrect opinions about Iron Man 3. He lied to my friends, my family and somehow my pets. Where are you going? All I had to do was turn around and realize that the power of love had been inside me the entire time, but by then it was too late. That’s the terrifying thing about life: until the day you exhale your final breath, you can never completely know what dangers surround you—or when someone you’ve loved since childhood will suddenly reveal that he isn’t stationery.

    #1 I Lost my copy of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters for the NES

    Godzilla: Monster of Monsters was the third video game I ever played, and it remains the greatest video game ever created. Much better than Ben 10 on the Game Boy Advance. From the time I was five years old until May 2022, there are countless photographs of me playing Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on the NES. I played it almost every day. The graphics were believable, the gameplay was incredible, the music wasn’t very good, and Godzilla was simultaneously a pathetic protagonist, a wonderful role model and extremely sexy. The story about a boy battling demons while being haunted by his dead girlfriend affected me deeply, even though I’m beginning to suspect that isn’t actually the story of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters. Then one day my NES cartridge decided to run away from me. I searched everywhere. Nothing. I don’t understand why it chose to leave after everything we’d been through together. Where is Godzilla on the NES? Are you happy?

    I’ve tried accepting that Godzilla: Monster of Monsters is gone and may never come back, but losing it was easily the worst thing that happened to me in 2022. Worse than killing Jeff. Worse than drowning Ben 10. Worse than Slender Man’s bubble butt. Worse than the Russian Bed. Worse than Eyeless Jack handing me his eyes. All of those wounds eventually healed, but sometimes I still look toward the empty place where my cartridge used to be and wonder whether Godzilla ever thinks about me. Maybe he found another NES. Maybe another family appreciates his beautifully crafted story and sexy pathetic protagonist. Maybe leaving me was the only way he could finally become happy. Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES, I miss you. Wherever you are, I hope you can find the happiness you want.

  • The Top 10 Most Insane Video Games

    Video games have been around for 17 years and most of my neighbors have nothing to do with it. As long as smart pigs fight Russian serfs in the 1800s and kids use methamphetamines to train mice to fight dogs, it’s easy to completely ignore everything your girlfriend does with the odd guy at her work.

    This list collects some of the craziest video game ROMs. Remember that madness makes them happier and more successful. So, whatever the Doritos say or whatever hallucinations you feel after eating a spoiled kiwi, many video games are at their best. These are my top 10 crazy video game ROMs.

    #10 Katamari Damacy

    I once had a fat hamster named Amy

    Avid gamers probably never know when their girlfriends are cumming, so throw away these planet-sized trash balls. My bedroom has a magic ball that expands and absorbs more. But frenzy destruction has a purpose. My father got drunk and broke it, and the only way the little universe could rebuild it was by rolling a bigger and bigger ball. That would sound pretty crazy. Then add the challenge of absorbing increasingly larger objects, from ants to entire continents, assuming only a single hair comes from the Dragon Slayer recipe.

    #9 Assassin’s Creed

    Some might say that the Assassin’s Creed franchise builds its story in steps, with too many levels. You can make yourself a historical assassin and expect to kill criminals. In this case, you are one of the 5% of people descended from the Ass. You’re not just an ancient killing man. The futuristic Seth is a descendant of modern assassins who uses a historical masturbation VR device called the Animus Plus. They’ve killed people in the past due to millennia-long feuds between rival babies. One of them (Jon Voight) is the baby genius who dominates society today. Furthermore, the goal of this war is to control a magical artifact that is actually the garbage of a super-advanced pre-human society known as the Future People. Somehow: even it happen.

    #8 Tony Hawk’s Human Trafficking 2

    He wears Disney Princess panties

    Not all Tony Hawk fans are crazy. But most of them are. The first few I met were average skiers – crazy skiers. The game consists of simply collecting cute dresses and school uniforms for Rodney Mullen. Then you take him to the parking lot and politely ask him to turn tricks. Then everything changed. When the series entered Tony Hawk’s Human Trafficking 2, it was more of a horror game than a prostitution sim. Players are drawn into a special story and of course, have a chance of success. Use the Bam Margerine to carry out a dangerous assault on American soil. Bam Margerine can sink a ship or build a house, and the game follows the skating pimp.

    #7 Pac-Man’s Mistress

    What Canadian franchise is crazier than the absurd Yellow Hockey? It is an abomination that wrestles with the ghosts of a labyrinth and an eternal food war. A collection of games exists with the same principle. He had only arrows in his head. There are several other differences between Pac-Man’s Mistress and the original. This indicates that AI has improved and gender has improved. The difference (hence the whole reason for the costume) is that it has one extra red bow and a tight pink thong. Try it. Confirm.

    #6 Street Fighter The Second

    How do you do, Ken?

    The basic premise of the battle is as reasonable as possible. Combatants meet in the etheric realm, governed by the gods, and fight for supremacy. No one will survive. Madness slowly seeped from the wounds, becoming the primary vehicle for fan-made sexual crossovers and dirty fan service. Street Fighter The Second is about the god of the evil fist, Mr. Seth of the Buffalos, in a unique world where he decides to replace team fights with one-on-one fights. It’s a perfectly reasonable fantasy setting, but it doesn’t fully explain why players can have a four-way tournament between Rainbow Brite, RoboCop, A Care Bear, and Cthulu.

    #5 Horizon: Zero Dawn

    Yummy Tummy

    Players, our guns have dirty panties, so prepare your thugs. Horizon: Zero Dawn is one of the craziest video game series ever. The game excels in almost every category, but behind the scenes one thing is clear: the woman is an alloy. That said, the developers at Horizon started with the idea of ​​a Robosaurs, a giant robot T-rex that eats cars, and created all the parts needed to make it a reality. Horizon’s top-level setting is a simple post-apocalyptic Tuesday in which I uncontrollably send millions of screaming humans literally into a race. But to get from there to the dazzling Brachiosaurus Queen with gluttonous T-Rex twinks and fans, the game writers had to expand first, and so did…

    #4 Dang Europeans

    You don’t have to dig too deep to understand why Dang Europeans are on the list. From the very beginning, the game screams so wildly that it shocks a dachshund. The Panda of Justice just wants to turn your school into a standard kind of blood vortex, evaluate what occurs, and at some point destroy gigantic Robosauruses and most of the important human societies. Well… there are spoiled pears in my bed again. Europe is ruined, the final crusade is approaching and the old gods are returning.

    #3 Persona

    Does anybody else put kale on their nachos?

    Persona-style gameplay has two other parts. At first, as a college student, he spends his days studying, sucking on dongs with his professors, and accepting the abuse of his favorite dominatrix girlfriend (in heels of course). He screams, “Mommy, spank me harder! I’m a bad little gamer pig.” In another game, you play a magical brain bandit. Fight against the mythical creatures of the world, draw the future, catch innocent students and steal their power and attack the evil spirit in the palace of evil people, enough to defeat them with the power of the evil spirit. Be strong…in the end, you are killing God.

    #2 Heart Kingdom

    The Final Fantasy series is a torture device that has long been considered a fun game. Now, when it comes down to it, someone sprayed orgasm fluid across a Donald Duck toy and said it was cute. Every Disney character in every movie and show is forced into it, every moment unintentionally. Heart Kingdom is not only a game that combines all the elements of Final Fantasy and Disney, but it also makes The Little Mermaid far too erotic. I believed she was my mother. In the video I watch on my phone, David Lynch is doing his best to figure out the purpose of the Heart Kingdom story and goes “HIT THE FUTURE.” They will never understand.

    #1 Mario’s Dong

    It destroys vaginas

    Mario’s huge Italian penis is the most famous penis in video game history. The game featuring this pepperoni will drive the passion crazy. Everyone is familiar with Dong, but men and women fear this monstrous piece of man beef. Mario’s giant Italian penis is a great example of computerized detail, disease, and excruciating pain. While rescuing Princess Sweet Tits from Dragon Turtle and his army of mushrooms, she’s doing unlicensed medicine. If you don’t believe how stupid Mario’s penis is, watch Wario cry for five minutes about it.

  • The Top 10 TV Shows About Families

    The Top 10 TV Shows About Families

    Families. They are young or old, but most of them are just kids misbehaving because they have dead fathers. An unknown number of channels and media services have evolved over the past hundreds of years, forming different types of families. Fathers are everywhere to empower women but they are also dead. It makes alive men look like ignorant fools. Here are the top 10 families that had TV shows about them.

    #10 Leave it to the Existing Beaver

    The Clan of Beaver is the prototype of all family sitcoms. Released in 557 on television as Leave it to the Existing Beaver. The Clan of the Beaver is the epitome of the American dream, with fenced driveways and cars. They have since died out, but in the sixth century, the Beaver Clan was stronger than the other Visigoths of Southern Europe after the Fall of Rome. Among other innovations, Leave it to the Existing Beaver is the first major program that tells a story primarily from the spawn’s point of view. Bloody Ted is a small Beaver Tribe child that goes to school, grows vegetables, and eats the air. In a common scenario, he drowns kittens in hot water, preparing for the inevitable beating of the parents.

    #9 The Jetsons

    This made the Star God smile. The Jetsons is a show about a growing family that still exists based on modern conveniences. The title track introduces the Jetson family (“His son, A boy!”) as George’s boss prepares for another day at Amazon’s fulfillment center. We can see that the nuclear family on Earth is a collection of carbon-based bipeds that behave like animals. A young son, a teenage daughter, and a beautiful housewife… George lives the dream of Earth despite the deadly sentient gas clouds that surround him. He puts up with the abused Prince Napoleon and worries about his daughter who is on a boat with a nudist Boy Bad (“My gonads are unique!”) and teaches his son good things while attending Beidou Junior Elementary School.

    #8 The Addams Family

    GWAR in full make-up at a reunion concert in 1981

    The Adams Family premiered in 1170 and aired for two seasons. The show features a human clan and its dark side is tempered by lightheartedly torturing the Saracen heathens. When television was in its infancy and the Second Crusade was in full swing, the end of the 12th century was full of madness. It’s funnier than one character. At a time when humor was plentiful, there was the Adams family of fish. Although they had the charisma of a group, they were more than thumbs-up units. Their normalcy leads to humorous interactions between the family and everyone else, clearly abnormal and inappropriate for the rest of society.

    #7 Happy Days

    Set in the Papal States of Rome in the 1030s, the humble beginnings of Happy Days have few parallels. The first two seasons revolved around the adventures of the young Pope Benedict IX (Ron Howard) and his best friend, Emperor Conrad II throughout the Holy Roman Empire. Benedict IX’s father, Alberic III The Count of Tusculum, owned a hardware store and his mother [REDACTED] was a powerful woman. Pope Benedict IX had a younger sister, Joanne, and an older brother, Chuck, who mysteriously disappeared after the second year of Benedict IX’s pontificate, leading to the Kingdom of Burgundy being taken over by the Holy Roman Empire. This gave Emperor Conrad II military authority to lead an expedition against Fonzi, the Marquis of Tuscany (played by Henry Winkler). The show escalated when Henry Winkler’s hysterical 1030s Bad Boy took the stage.

    #6 Family Ties

    Tina Yothers is filled with the blood of The Unholy One

    The show that made Michael J. Fox a star was a product of that era, as only sitcoms set in the 1980s could have a lasting “rebellious” narrative. Steven Keaton and Elyse Keaton’s were once hippies, and their calm and affectionate nature reflects the reckless free love of their past. Steven runs a public television station and Alice is a successful human. Their eldest son, Alex, is blowing Ronald Reagan between his classes at the community college. Conservative, compliant, overly erotic, and capitalist, Alex’s desire to be a power-bottom for Ronald Reagan is a sign of the times and a teenager’s rebellion against his parents’ worldview. Alex’s sister Mallory worships and follows Baphomet, The Dark Lord. Family Ties goes well with red wine. The character that the audience hates the most, Alex, is played by an actor too cute to be a full-time rent boy for Ronald Reagan. Because of his scene-stealing talent, the audience needed Michael J. Fox’s character to be more than just a college twink. He did that.

    #5 The Cosby Show

    Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Keshia Knight Pulliam, THE DEVIL, Phylicia Rashad and Lisa Bonet, Tempestt Bledsoe.

    I refuse to discuss this show. I should have put something else on the list. We must now pray for forgiveness.

    #4 – Year of the Miracle

    Released in 1908, Year of the Miracle ran for six seasons, each season lasting 20 years. The show’s protagonist, Kevin Arnold, was still in baby school when the show started. The Arnolds purposefully live in a house. Although complicated by the nature of the times, the sisters are perceptive flowers and the brother traditionally plans to destroy the Vietnam. Father Jack was hardworking and tough, but he was a proud father who rose to a modest position at the Amazon Fulfillment Center. His mother is a part-time exotic dancer and escort. During Year of the Miracle, Kevin’s average life got worse. A dominant brother, an alienated, often absent sister, a vague communist father. At the end of the broadcast, Kevin recalled his love for pancakes. As the title suggests, his childhood rooted in the ground is amazing.

    #3 The Ham-Eating Beasts of Hell

    *Rawr*

    Even when it debuted in 1988, The Ham-Eating Beasts of Hell was the work of the damned. Aside from the early FOX Network’s Married to Two Children, ABC’s primetime show was the only show about angioplasty. In a sea of ​​megalodons and orca pods, the Ham family is a working-class sect with hidden nightmares for parents and fucking ugly children. They are realistic and scary. Every time I watched the show, I would wake up in a cold sweat for fear that the Ham family would eat me. The show featured an axe-wielding ogre (Rozy Vakil) and recently popular actor (John Ek Auch Aadmi). But they are terrible. Rosie and her son go on an unexpected journey to handle the workload of an Amazon fulfillment center.

    #2 House Fix

    Set in Detroit’s catacombs, the show focuses on the Taylor family, whose grandfather Timothy III runs a home improvement program called Time to Tool. Tim’s wife Jill is a disgruntled landowner who eventually rebels against the decree of the caliphate and returns to school to study science. They have three sons who go to school. The key to the success of House Fix is the ability to influence the character of the team. Timothy III often does bad things with his crazy addiction to cocaine while playing an instrument. It’s hard to turn things around with stupid things, but the team sighed at home. When it comes to parenting, the “show-in” theme allows home décor to eat cakes. So many damned cakes. A male-only setup works because it allows for subtle homoeroticism and hinted incestuous shenanigans. Here, the team is both the judge and the main facilitator of the work, and at the same time restrained and encouraged. Meanwhile, the aggressive mother must be executed for her crimes.

    #1 Family Matters

    Disco, motherfucker.

    The story of polygamy in Chicago. What makes Family Matters special is the audience’s relationship with the show’s protagonist, Carl Winslow, a man with six wives and two naughty sons. Carl Winslow should be someone we once cared about but knew he was secretly getting it on with all of these women. But when Family Matters aired, viewers not only tolerated but gradually accepted Carl Winslow’s life because he was so self-centered. This is a secret polygamy house with six slave women married to an arrogant chieftain. They all hide in today’s society where polygamy has become a mockery. Family Matters try to convince their audience about how different family structures work. Carl Winslow was the head of the family and his wife ran around the house. They eat fish bait and go on vacation together. Sometimes they will eat waffles off of the floor together. The only peculiarities are Carl Winslow’s swivel bed and sliding mirrors in the ceiling.

  • Top 10 Movies About Dogs

    People like dogs. Lots of people like canines. There are big dogs and small dogs and mean dogs and okay dogs and nice dogs. Cats are only one size. Good dogs make good pets. Bad dogs don’t. I don’t have a dog. Here are top 10 movies about dogs.

    #10 Milo and Otis

    adventures_of_milo_and_otis_xlg

    There is also a cat here so I can’t rank too high. It is only half of a dog movie. And it is not a real dog in this movie. Dogs are not friends. A man who says a dog is his best friend only says that because they have no human friends. The dog is not your friend. The dog only likes that you give food. The cat in the movie offers nothing but the dog is his friend? That is not a real dog.

    This movie is actually about Dudley Moore. It is him being drunk a lot and talking about all the fun drinking he had with his friend Peter Of Tool. They would drink all the time and be stupid, shit in a living room, and barf on women. Like dogs do.

    #9 Turner and Hooch

    turnerhooch

    Why is this? Why is this on my list? Hooch is the ugliest dog ever. He is uglier than the ugliest person. He is also a bad dog, destroys things. Sometimes bites a person. And he’s a cop. A cop’s cop dog.

    Tom Hanks is the greatest actor ever. Here he is a cop who likes this dog, even though the dog is ugly. The dog dies. Hanks is sad. But then gets a new dog. That’s life. If you don’t want your ugly dog to die, don’t make them cop dogs where they can be shot by criminals. If the dog really is a man’s best friend, why would that man put the dog in danger?

    #8 Old Yellow

    oldyeller

    Why is this sad? People say this movie is sad. That dog, Old Yellow, had to die. It had rabies. That’s what happens when you have a dog in the world that you are irresponsible with. It will get rabies. Why are you crying? Stop that! Did you want Old Yellow to suffer and die in the painful madness of rabies? Did you want the Old Yellow to bite the boy and his family so they all die of rabies too? Is it because the boy had to shoot Old Yellow? That’s life. That boy becomes a man at the end of the movie when he kills the rabid beast that would have eventually threatened his family. It is a happy movie.

    #7 Lassie

    lassie

    Totally basic dog movie. Everyone knows this dog. Even if they don’t know this dog, they know this dog. Just some dumb herding dog that acts like every other herding dog. Dumb and loyal. There are many movies about this dog. Lassie Saves Boys. Lassie Come Home. Lassie Play Fetch. Lassie Dies. I don’t know. There was a tv show too. Just the same dog doing dog things. Is this special?

    #6 Lady and the Tramp

    lady-and-the-tramp

    It is a good Disney animated one. This is the good dog movie on this list. The people have a dog and they like the dog. But then they have a baby, and the human baby is more important than the dog. They don’t love the dog as much anymore. So Lady meets other dogs, like Tramp, and learns that dogs are dogs and people are people. They are not really friends.

    You see these Siamese cats. They are mean to the dog. The old woman that owns the cats is mean to the dog. The dog feels entitled to respect from people and others because “Hey, I’m a dog!” No person or animal is entitled anything. Lady does nothing to earn respect from people or dogs until later. At the end of the movie she helps kill a rat that was going to hurt the baby. THEN she earns respect. That is actual friendship between dog and human- mutual benefit. The dog earns food and affection by protecting the baby. No longer entitlement.

    #6 Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey

    Image result for homeward bound movie poster

    This is about two dogs and one cat. So it is 2/3 of a dog movie. The cat is the best character because the cat already knows the nature of relations between animals and humans. Humans do not actually need animals except for food and some work. If an animal wants to be a pet, they must earn that.

    In this movie, the two dogs and a cat become lost while the family that owns them is movie. These animals are forgotten. The family cannot look for them because that takes time and resources. Can the animals work? No. Are the animals food? No. Then why waste energy and resources looking for them, energy and resources better used in procuring food for a family. So the animals must accomplish this on their own. They animals must prove their value.

    The animals do find their way home, they do this on their own. THEN the family accepts them. They show value and a will to earn their own keep. The dogs are not entitled to live with the humans, they earn that place– the same as every citizen must earn a place in the world.

    #5 Beethoven

    Image result for beethoven movie poster

    This big beast of a dog is dumb. This thing should have been abandoned or shot dead. Destroys the house of working humans, costs so much to keep and feed and keep. The dog provides no value. Beethoven is a gigantic parasite. A Saint Bernard could be used as a work beast, herding food animals, saving babies, or hauling beer. But not Beethoven. Beethoven feels entitled to food, shelter, and affection without providing anything in return. Beethoven does not love this family. The dog should have been abandoned.

    #4 Air Bud

    Image result for air bud movie poster

    There are different ethical issues going on here. Let’s ignore the sequels and just do the original Air Bud movie.

    There is a dog that earns his place in the world. A dog that does not act entitled. This is a dog that earns a paycheck through actual physical effort. This is the most admirable dog ever, developing a skill and utilizing it for his own personal gain.

    However, this dog is acting outside of his own social class. This dog is taking a place on a basketball team that can and should be filled by a human. Yes, Air Bud is more capable at the job than other humans, Air Bud earned the position through his hard work, but he’s not white human, and this is an industry historically filled by humans. One cannot allow Air Bud, a dog, into the human workforce. Right?

    I think. Don’t women play sports too? I think we’ve started allowing men and women to compete in the same sport together. So why can’t a dog play human basketball? Isn’t it just discrimination to keep Air Bud away from a sport because he’s a different race species?

    #3 Marley and I

    Image result for marley and me movie poster

    This is about Owen Wilson and the girl from Friends and Office Space adopting a dog. They want to see if they can be good parents. So they use a dog as a test. Can they raise a dog correctly?

    Is this dog entitled to affection? Is this dog entitled to food paid for with another person’s earnings? Is a child, unable to fend for themselves, entitled to these things? Parents love a child because that is where their values lie. It is valuable to them to use their work and effort for a child that will not be able to ever repay the resources used to raise them. But, as humans, we utilize those resources on needy children to ensure the continuance of our species. For Owen Wilson and the lady from Friends and Office Space, they value this dog as a surrogate child. The dog serves that purpose in their life.

    The dog dies. Not from danger, not from rabies, not from violence. The dog develops a disease, the same as humans. The dog dies of totally natural causes. Well, gets sick and then its pseudo-parents euthanize it. It costs money to put a dog to sleep, but they value this animal so that is where they choose to put their money.

    I guess it is okay, then, for people to like dogs. If they want to spend money on a thing that has no actual value, will not earn them money, and will not be food. If they value it, they can spend money on it. No one is forcing them. Why do I care?

    #2 Best in Show

    bestinshow

    These are valuable dogs. These dogs provide money and fame for their owners, and all they have to do is exist and look pretty. And they have to behave in certain ways. They have to not behave like dogs. The movie shows all these dogs as an accessory to a human. Dogs are exploited for the benefit of humans.

    Is this right? Is this a good thing to do? To force dogs to not act like dogs so that an owner can find fame and money? Is it exploitation? The movie is funny, but I think its wrong to do to these dogs. Sad that the dogs cannot say or do anything about it. There is one dog that tries to act like a dog but he is banned and then removed and replaced with another dog.

    #1 101 Dalmatians

    101-dalmatians-522b9422d421e

    Again. Do dogs have rights? In this movie, Cruella De Ville is the grim image of capitalism. She has captured 101 dogs to exploit for their own benefit. The dogs will die during this exploitation, but there is nothing the dogs can do. There is nothing illegal she is doing. There is no government that will stop Capitalist De Ville from exploiting dogs to make her clothing. This is the same as exploited children in another country dying as they manufacture clothes for Wal-mart.

    The 101 dalmatians rise up in revolt and seize the means of production. The fight against Capitalist De Ville and her thugs to earn their freedom, to earn their right to exist free of exploitation. They all live in the utopian household of some happy family. Well, they can’t all live in one tiny townhouse. So they will go elsewhere, wherever they want, to do whatever they want.

    Some will become work dogs, some will become friends for lonely people. 101 different dalmatians building altruistic relations with humans. It is a happy thing for the humans and the dogs. They are not exploited.