These Are Media Things

Tag: reviews

  • The Top 10 Worst CGI In Movies

    Since the dawn of computers, movies have used them to generate images. This happens because they are either too lazy to use practical effects or they are just making impossible things. These 10 movies have the worst CGI in the world of movies. But all of them are better than Eli Roth’s movie Ice Cream Man. Even the worst CGI is better than the use of generative AI in filmmaking.

    #10 Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

    The birds are gifs

    I introduced Birdemic: Shock and Terror to my children because apparently part of being a parent is exposing the next generation to important works of cinema. My son, Chicken, was genuinely scared by the attacking birds. He is a pathetic coward. My daughter, Alpha Dora, took a different approach and hit the television with a clothes hanger.

    Calling what happens in Birdemic “CGI” feels disrespectful to computers. The birds look like someone found an animated eagle GIF on a GeoCities page, copied and pasted it forty times, and slapped the resulting flock directly over the footage. They don’t interact with the environment. They barely interact with physics. There’s no convincing lighting, shadows, or attempt to make these creatures appear as though they occupy the same physical universe as the actors. Alpha Dora apparently understood the assignment better than anyone: while other children might hide behind the couch from menacing bird gifs, my child looked upon these digital abominations, grabbed the nearest available weapon, and attempted to physically defend our household from the visual effects. She saw the CGI in Birdemic and tried to kill it. I can’t criticize that decision.

    #9 – The Lawnmower Man (1992)

    I cut grass

    In the summer of 1992, I was an unemployed 12-year-old, so I did what any ambitious child would do: I started mowing people’s lawns for money. Naturally, when I saw a movie called The Lawnmower Man, I assumed it was a training video. The CGI was absolute dogshit, but that didn’t concern me. Employment training videos always look like shit. I just figured the floating chrome heads, primitive polygons, and psychedelic virtual-reality sex were somehow important information that OSHA needed me to know before operating a Craftsman.

    Unfortunately, The Lawnmower Man left me woefully unprepared for the actual lawn-care industry. Customers became disturbed when I showed up with a lawnmower and an entire VR rig. They became considerably more upset when I started shooting chimpanzees. Apparently you’re just supposed to cut the grass, collect your twenty bucks, and leave. Nobody told me that. Pierce Brosnan certainly didn’t tell me that. It was a terrible summer. I made no money, the chimpanzee situation got completely out of hand, and the CGI still looked like somebody had given a Windows 3.1 screensaver a $10 million budget.

    #8 – Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

    This is a shot from a movie that exists. I don’t know what’s happening.

    My daughter Alpha Dora is very interested in the martial sport of mortal combat and quite active on the youth MMA circuit. She recently won the Tri-State MMA Championship in the Girls 8-to-10 division, although her victory became somewhat controversial after she tore the heart out of her competitor. When horrified officials asked where she learned such a move, Alpha Dora proudly explained, “I learned it by watching Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.” As a parent, this was deeply embarrassing. Not because of the heart thing. Kids get competitive. I was embarrassed because now everyone knows I let my child watch Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

    Worse, it’s absolutely terrible instructional material. The CGI creatures look like unfinished PlayStation assets, the environments resemble screensavers, and the climactic animality battle is so spectacularly unconvincing that no responsible youth MMA organization should recognize any of its techniques. If Alpha Dora is going to rip out another competitor’s vital organs, I want her learning proper form—not studying a movie where the visual effects department couldn’t convincingly render a goddamn dragon. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation isn’t merely terrible CGI. It’s bad training for America’s next generation of youth MMA champions.

    #7 – Son of the Mask (2005)

    This man is evil and nothing can be done about it

    I never wanted to watch Son of the Mask. Unfortunately, one afternoon Jamie Kennedy entered our home carrying a gun and a DVD of Son of the Mask and informed us that nobody had appreciated “his masterpiece” in theaters, so we were going to appreciate it now. He even captured our miniature pinscher, Bark, and painted him green while forcing us through the movie. The experience was horrifying—and then the CGI started. The digital baby looks like an escaped medical simulation, the cartoon physics make everyone appear boneless, and the CGI dog somehow looks less convincing than my actual dog after Jamie Kennedy painted him green.

    When the movie ended, we smiled and told Jamie Kennedy it was wonderful. What else could we do? The man owns all the police. He’s a Kennedy, after all. He eventually left satisfied, and Bark was physically unharmed, although he remained green for several baths and still becomes visibly nervous whenever someone opens a DVD case. I learned two important lessons that day: Son of the Mask contains some of the most hideous CGI ever committed to film, and Jamie Kennedy takes criticism extremely poorly.

    #6 – Spawn (1997)

    Did Image comics ever make anything good?

    I was a terrible person in 1997. One afternoon, bored and apparently operating without anything resembling a conscience, I beat up a bunch of sixth graders and took their money. I spent my ill-gotten fortune on many different drugs and seventeen pounds of Red Vines, then headed to the theater with a gang of vicious sex workers to see Spawn. We were all spectacularly high, which turned out to be the optimal viewing condition, because Spawn has some genuinely cool practical makeup surrounded by CGI that looks like somebody tried to render Hell on a Commodore 64.

    And then we actually go to Hell. Thousands of identical demon soldiers cover the landscape like somebody discovered copy-and-paste, while Malebolgia resembles the final boss from a PC game packaged free with a box of cereal. The only way this CGI becomes remotely convincing is through an aggressively altered state of consciousness; the sort where you’ve completely lost track of reality and are no longer entirely certain whether you’re watching Spawn or experiencing a catastrophic neurological event. The only way this movie becomes tolerable is when you are snorting cocaine through a Red Vine off of a woman’s posterior. When the credits rolled, I knew two things: the CGI was fucking terrible, and I really needed to make some significant changes in my life

    #5 – The Scorpion King (2002)

    I think this is a thing that happened in the movie. I don’t know.

    I remember watching The Mummy Returns in 2001 and having a perfectly good time right up until The Rock appeared as that ridiculous CGI scorpion monstrosity. Apparently someone at Universal looked at one of the most hilariously unconvincing digital creatures ever put in a major studio movie and said, “Give that beefy man his own movie.” So when The Scorpion King arrived the following year, some friends and I prepared appropriately: we spent an entire Saturday day-drinking, got thrown out of several bars for our increasingly inebriated behavior, and eventually wandered into a movie theater.

    We somehow finished two large bottles of Jack Daniel’s during the movie and, according to witnesses, made quite a scene. I don’t remember the plot. I don’t remember leaving the theater. I don’t remember being arrested. I simply woke up the next morning in county jail with a pounding headache and one crystal-clear memory: the terrible CGI in The Scorpion King. Think about that. My brain discarded an entire night of drunken criminal misadventure, yet preserved those shitty digital effects in perfect detail.

    #4 – Green Lantern (2011)

    It sucks

    My daughter Alpha Dora absolutely loves Ryan Reynolds in the Deadpool movies. She wants to be Deadpool when she grows up. I made the mistake of mentioning that Reynolds had starred in another superhero movie before Deadpool. I didn’t think this information posed any danger because surely no respectable streaming service would still carry Green Lantern. Curse you, HBO Max!! Alpha Dora found it. She watched it. And she witnessed Ryan Reynolds flying around space in a glowing CGI onesie with a digital mask that looks like someone circled his eyes with a radioactive green Sharpie.

    My fiancée and I awoke in the middle of the night to find Alpha Dora standing over our bed holding a butcher knife. She didn’t attack us. She simply stared down at me and asked, “Why? Why did Green Lantern happen? Why was the CGI so bad? Why did you fail to set parental controls on your HBO Max account?” I didn’t have an answer. No parent does. All I could do was apologize and promise to be more responsible. Parental controls aren’t just there to protect children from sex and violence. Sometimes they’re there to make sure your eight-year-old never has to see Ryan Reynolds wearing a suit that looks like it was rendered by a Mountain Dew commercial.

    #3 – Die Another Day (2002)

    Don’t do this

    Remember when I woke up in county jail after The Scorpion King with the worst hangover of my life? Well, everyone knows the cure is a little hair of the dog that bit you. So I ate some dog hair, picked up a few bottles of booze, befriended some drifters, and drunkenly wandered into another movie theater. Not the theater where I’d seen The Scorpion King, obviously. I was banned from that one. We chose Die Another Day because James Bond was the guy from GoldenEye on the Nintendo 64, which is the greatest video game ever made, so how could this possibly go wrong? Then Bond started driving an invisible car through an ice palace and parasurfing across a CGI tidal wave that looked like ass.

    And suddenly, through the alcohol-induced fog, I recognized Pierce Brosnan. THAT SON OF A BITCH! He was the scientist from The Lawnmower Man. The man whose shitty CGI training video had taught me absolutely nothing about mowing lawns and ruined my entire summer of 1992. Eleven years of suppressed trauma came roaring back as I watched his digital stunt double surf across an avalanche of visual-effects diarrhea. I became violently angry. There was shouting. There were accusations. Security became involved. I was subsequently banned from another movie theater. At this point, bad CGI wasn’t merely ruining movies for me. It was systematically ruining my life.

    #2 – The Mummy Returns (2001)

    Just because.

    #1 – Cats (2019)

    Sacrifice them all to the Dark Lord

    For the longest time, I believed cats were simply the furry little creatures I regularly sacrificed to the Dark Lord. Then one day, while scrolling through Netflix with the family, we discovered Cats. Apparently it’s based on a Broadway musical. Who the fuck is making plays about cats? We watched it, and every frame presented some fresh digital obscenity. Human faces float inside furry humanoid bodies. Their hands are sometimes paws, except when they’re hands. Their proportions constantly feel wrong. My daughter Alpha Dora had to be physically restrained from attacking the television again. My son Chicken, meanwhile, was delighted by the movie because that kid sucks. How did my seed create a human being who finds James Corden entertaining? Somewhere along the bloodline, something has gone terribly wrong.

    Eventually, some horrible CGI beast started singing about horrible CGI trains, and that’s the last thing I remember. I awoke the following morning soaked in blood, standing inside an animal shelter and muttering incoherently about Lawnmower Men, Scorpion Kings, and The Mummy Returns. Nobody would tell me exactly what had happened, but I was immediately and permanently banned from the shelter. Still, there was a silver lining: at least I wasn’t banned from another movie theater. That’s Cats: a film with CGI so catastrophically wrong that watching it apparently activated twenty-seven years of accumulated visual-effects trauma and sent me on a fugue-state rampage.

  • Ten Things About the Movie “Ballerina” (2025)

    Ten Things About the Movie “Ballerina” (2025)

    I went with my daughter Dora to see the movie Ballerina. My daughter hates ballet but she is a girl and is supposed to like it. I will force the gender role upon her and make her watch ballet. I will tell her all the time that she does not want to be a fighter, she is a GIRL and must do ballet. So I made her watch the movie Ballerina. She very much liked the movie, and so did I. But this movie was not about ballet.

    #1 – Ana de Armas is an Entire Meal

    I believe that her sweat would taste more sweet than salty… because of the ballet powers.

    Ana de Armas is the movie. She doesn’t just carry the narrative; she straps it to her back, pirouettes through gunfire, and serves looks so lethal they could kill on contact. She is the everything of this movie. Other people exist, but Ana de Armas sells this like it’s Shakespeare with a switchblade. Honestly, if the Academy handed out Oscars for “Best Actress in a Franchise Spinoff Whose Plot is Held Together by Lip Gloss,” she’d already have two.

    #2 – The Plot is there…. somewhere.

    I wanted Swan Lake but instead got the artsy tale of a Murder Woman

    You remember Rooney from John Wick 3, right? No? That’s fine, neither did the writers until they fished out a napkin with “ballerina assassin revenge arc???” scribbled on it and said, “MAKE MOVIE!” Imagine if someone choreographed a ballet while blackout drunk on absinthe. That’s the plot. It’s revenge, again, but with more eyeliner and fewer dogs. They tried to connect it to the John Wick mythos—bless their hearts—but it’s more like a fever dream in heels. There’s a backstory, but it’s whispered, mumbled, and shot through fog filters until you start wondering if you’re the one who got shot in the head. Still, the vibe is vibey, and let’s be honest—you weren’t here for a deep dive into Russo-Romanian assassin cults anyway. You just wanted to see Ana de Armas’ sexy sweat.

    #3 – There are scenes of action

    Her muscles have tone

    This is where Ballerina absolutely flexes. The choreography is so meticulously timed and fluid it feels like the camera’s dancing with her. You get hand-to-hand combat with ballerina grace, bullets flying in perfect rhythm, and the kind of violent elegance that made my daughter shout, “Forget about ballet, I crave krav maga!” Pure visual poetry—if your poetry has a body count. I wish there were more actual ballet dancing because the music of Tchaikovsky is more pleasant than bullet sounds.

    #4 – The Ballet School is Murder Hogwarts

    I posted the same image again because it is a very nice image.

    If Hogwarts had ballet, human trafficking, and a kill-or-be-killed final exam, it’d be this place. The Ruska Roma return to remind us that the John Wick universe’s HR policies are nonexistent. Every orphan is a potential assassin. It’s all style and menace, like a Soviet fever dream choreographed by Satan. You do not get a gold star here—just scars and maybe a cyanide pill in your pointe shoes.

    #5 – Keanu Reeves Briefly Appears

    He is existing like a divorced Dad picking up his franchise for visitation

    Saint Keanu appears like a wistful action ghost, mutters some backstory, does the brooding thing, and then vanishes back into whatever haunted dog park Wick lives in now. It’s more “cameo” than “crossover.” He wanders in looking tired, haunted, and vaguely unsure if he’s in Ballerina or a new Matrix sequel. He gives Rooney the usual Wick-verse cryptic pep talk—something like, “You know what you must do”—and then vanishes back into the shadows like a majestic, gun-toting raccoon.

    #6 – Norman Reedus Appears

    This week’s article is sponsored by AMC+’s hit series The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon. Did you ever wonder what happened to Norman Reedus’s gritty character, Daryl Dixon, at the conclusion of The Walking Dead? No? Me neither. Apparently, he went to France. Yeah, seriously, this good old boy is just going around shooting zombies and going all “oui oui monsieur” in Paris. You can watch both seasons of this show streaming on AMC+. What the fuck is Daryl Dixon doing in France? I dunno. What the fuck is Norman Reedus doing in Ballerina? I don’t know.

    #7 – Ballerina looks expensive but feels hollow

    Every single frame is dripping with rich color grading, slick lighting, and that high-art-meets-high-body-count aesthetic. Every shot has the delightful scene of Ana de Armas’s wonderful body sweat. The cinematography is so pretty you almost don’t notice how emotionally hollow it all is. There’s a difference between slow burn and just plain cold, and Ballerina occasionally falls into the latter. You’ll find yourself admiring the shot composition while asking, “Do I actually care what happens next?” Probably not. But at least it’s gorgeous.

    #8 – The script could have used a rewrite (or three)

    Speaking of three… here is that image for a third time. Just look at how toned her back is. I’m jealous.

    The dialogue often sounds like it was translated from Russian to English to Tumblr poetry and then back again. Characters drop lines like “Pain teaches us grace” with the kind of dramatic weight usually reserved for middle school theater. Monologues are cryptic, conversations are stilted, and when someone actually explains something, it’s either nonsense or it contradicts the last cryptic thing someone else said. It’s the John Wick universe, so sure, we’re not expecting Aaron Sorkin, but could we at least get complete sentences? Every time a character spoke, my daughter shouted at the screen, “Less talky! More shooty!”

    #9 – It’s Ferocious! Feminine! Flawed!

    Shooty shooty snowbunny!

    There’s something undeniably refreshing about a revenge thriller soaked in femininity. Rooney is graceful but ruthless, soft-spoken but savage. The pink hues, ballet motifs, and soft-focus moments don’t make her any less dangerous—they enhance her rage. This isn’t “girl power” in the slogan-on-a-Target-shirt sense. It’s raw, bloody catharsis wrapped in satin. But the movie sometimes mistakes ambiguity for depth, and not even Ana’s tear-filled stares can always sell it. My daughter Dora is a girl and she liked this movie, so this movie must be for girls.

    #10 – It’s Worth Watching—But Lower Your Expectations Like You’re Holding a Gun with a Broken Safety

    Her thighs are just solid muscle. It’s amazing. I bet she could kill a motherfucker with those thighs.

    This isn’t a genre-defining masterpiece, but it is a visually captivating, female-fronted action flick that deserves to exist. You’ll get style, spectacle, and one hell of a performance from Ana de Armas. Just don’t go in expecting to leave with your brain intact. Think of it as the cinematic equivalent of a glitter-covered switchblade: pretty, deadly, but not exactly practical.

    FINAL THOUGHTS

    My daughter may give this movie a 6 out of 5 because Dora lives for violence. She has killed before. I give this movie a 3.5 out of 5. It slays. It stumbles. It sashays away.

  • The Top 10 Chuck Norris Movies

    Chuck Norris is the action man. He is ugly like dog farts and just as deadly as dog farts. He uses his martial arts mastery with a tough-guy screen presence that made him one of the biggest stars of the history of the world. His films are packed with brutal roundhouse kicks, over-the-top roundhouse kicks, and memorable one-liners delivered with a roundhouse kick. Whether he’s kicking at terrorists, drug lords, or supernatural forces, Norris always delivers. Here are his top 10 films, along with my personal take on what makes them great.

    #10 – Hellbound (1994)

    The one where he roundhouse kicks ghosts

    Unlike most Chuck Norris movies, Hellbound takes Chuck Norris directly into the hell of Hell. He plays a Chicago cop investigating a murder connected to an ancient demonic force, which eventually results in Chuck doing what Chuck does best: kicking things. He kicks criminals. He kicks demons. He kicks supernatural entities that probably haven’t been kicked in several thousand years. Eventually he’s basically fighting the goddamned Devil, which is a fascinating tactical error on Satan’s part because if there’s one human being you don’t want arriving in Hell with his boots on, it’s Chuck Norris. The supernatural stuff makes Hellbound a wonderfully strange detour in his filmography, but don’t worry—beneath all the demons and ancient evil, this is still a movie about Chuck Norris kicking his way into our hearts.

    I first saw Hellbound on late-night cable when I was a kid, and I remember that night vividly. Mommy and Daddy were fighting again. Daddy had been drinking because he’d discovered Mommy was sleeping with another neighbor, Mommy was using meth again, dishes were breaking, and I kept turning up the television because the sound of Chuck Norris violence was better than the sound of real violence bouncing off the thin walls of our little trailer. The movie ended around the time the nice woman from Social Services arrived to take me away. I remember sitting beside her and asking whether she ever had to fight demons. Then I asked if Chuck Norris could be my foster dad. She said no. I cried. Anyway, Hellbound is a fun little supernatural action movie and an interesting change of pace for Chuck Norris. Worth a watch.

    #9 – Code of Silence (1985)

    The one where he is a quiet cop

    In Code of Silence, Chuck Norris is once again a tough Chicago cop, only this time he’s battling organized crime and corruption within his own police department instead of the goddamned Devil. He’s also much quieter because after the events of Hellbound, Chuck took a sacred vow never to speak of the demons he encountered. Mobsters try to make him talk. Corrupt cops try to make him talk. People shoot at him. Nothing works. Chuck Norris will take the secrets of Hell to his grave. Fortunately, a vow of silence doesn’t prevent you from roundhouse-kicking somebody through a window, and the movie delivers plenty of excellent action, including a remote-controlled machine-gun robot in the finale. It’s one of Chuck’s most well-rounded films—or, more appropriately, one of his most well-roundhouse-kicked.

    This was one of the first Chuck Norris movies I ever saw. I was still an infant, suckling milk from Mommy’s breast while Code of Silence played on television. Her milk was remarkably sweet and creamy, a flavor I still remember whenever I go to Shake Shack and pay nine fucking dollars for a vanilla shake. Normally feeding time demanded my complete attention, but I became mesmerized by Chuck Norris. I pulled away from the nipple, looked into my mother’s eyes and said, “Mommy, Code of Silence demonstrates an unusual degree of restraint for a mid-’80s action vehicle. Andrew Davis’s direction is assured, the pacing is economical, and Norris delivers one of the strongest dramatic performances of his career.” Mommy stared down at me in absolute horror and whispered, “What the fuck?” Then I returned to the breast. Anyway, if you want a more grounded Chuck Norris movie, Code of Silence is a must-watch.

    #8 – Nonconsensual Vengance (1982)

    The one in Kong Hong

    Set in Hong Kong, Nonconsensual Vengeance stars Chuck Norris as a casino security man whose boss gets murdered, making him the only employee in the history of employment to genuinely give a shit that somebody killed his boss. Most people would hear the news and think, “That’s terrible. Does this mean we’re still having the staff meeting at three?” Not Chuck. Chuck has tremendous respect for the corporate ladder, and if you murder somebody above him on the organizational chart, he will personally hunt you down and kill the motherfuckers responsible. The problem is that none of these people have consented to Chuck’s vengeance. He asks politely, they refuse, and Chuck is therefore forced to administer the vengeance nonconsensually. It’s right there in the title. Against a gorgeous neon-soaked Hong Kong backdrop, Chuck proceeds to roundhouse-kick his way through the local criminal population because nobody fucks with middle management on Chuck Norris’s watch.

    I discovered Nonconsensual Vengeance completely by accident. I was walking home one afternoon when a car slowed beside me and somebody shouted, “KONTRIBUTOR SUCKS!” before throwing a rock that struck me directly in the head. I became disoriented, stumbled into an alley and collapsed face-first onto a VHS copy of Nonconsensual Vengeance. I took this as a message from God. Or possibly a symptom of the concussion. Either way, I watched it that night and loved the raw, brutal fights and the Hong Kong setting, which gives the familiar American action formula an entirely different flavor. It’s like somebody served you an egg roll with a cheeseburger. Does that make cultural or culinary sense? No. Did I have a significant head injury when I came up with the comparison? Yes. Anyway, Nonconsensual Vengeance isn’t Chuck’s most famous movie, but it’s a hidden gem that deserves more attention.

    #7 – The Delta Force (1986)

    The one with a delta force

    Based on completely real events, The Delta Force is a documentary about one of America’s greatest heroes: elite commando Officer Delta Force, played in historical reenactments by Chuck Norris. When terrorists hijack a passenger plane, Officer Delta Force and his fellow Delta Forces are dispatched to rescue the hostages using all the sophisticated counterterrorism techniques available to the United States military in 1986: machine guns, roundhouse kicks and motorcycles with fucking rocket launchers attached to them. Some historians have questioned the documentary’s accuracy, particularly the motorcycle rockets, but those historians weren’t there. Chuck Norris was. The Delta Force remains an important historical document about the brave men who protected America during a dangerous period when apparently every international crisis could be resolved by putting more weapons on a dirt bike.

    This movie was a staple in our house because my dad was the actual Officer Delta Force whose life inspired the film. Most evenings Daddy would get drunk, pull The Delta Force off the VHS shelf and watch Chuck Norris reenact his greatest military accomplishments. Sometimes he would become very emotional and cry when the terrorists killed his friends. Other times he’d point at the television and angrily explain that Chuck was holding the rocket-launcher motorcycle wrong. Those are some of my fondest childhood memories. Daddy eventually went to prison for reasons unrelated to his service and died there a few years ago after being shanked during a dispute over several cigarettes. I like to imagine that somewhere up in Heaven, he’s riding that rocket motorcycle again. RIP The Delta Force.

    #6 – Hitman (1991)

    The one where he hits a man

    In this darker entry in the Chuck Norris canon, Chuck plays a man who gets hit so hard that he dies. But death cannot stop Chuck Norris. He returns from beyond the grave as The Hit Man, a vengeful spirit whose unfinished business is apparently hitting every man responsible for his death. And there are a lot of men. Fortunately, there is also a lot of hitting. Chuck goes undercover inside a criminal organization, identifies the various men who require hitting, and then systematically hits the absolute fuck out of them. It’s considerably darker and more violent than the average Norris movie, but the premise is refreshingly straightforward: there are men, and Chuck must hit them. Sometimes cinema doesn’t need to be complicated.

    I first saw The Hitman as a teenager while lying on the floor of the trap house I called home, shooting heroin with several homeless strangers. We were all impressed by the intensity of the hitting when the ghost of a dead child wandered into the room, watched quietly for several minutes and said, “Chuck Norris usually plays the clean-cut hero, but here he’s much more morally ambiguous.” We stopped what we were doing and nodded thoughtfully. The ghost child was right. Chuck was living a morally ambiguous life, and as I looked around at the needles, unconscious strangers and whatever the fuck was growing behind the radiator, I realized that we were living morally ambiguous lives too. Then the ghost child disappeared through a wall and we finished the movie. The Hitman remains criminally underrated and deserves more recognition, especially if you’re a fan of hitting or men.

    #5 Firewalker (1986)

    The one where he fire walks with me

    Firewalker sees Chuck Norris teaming up with Louis Gossett Jr. for a mind-bending adventure filled with mysticism, trippy imagery and a mysterious place called the Red Room. Chuck sits there speaking backwards and waiting patiently for Louis to arrive. Eventually Louis wanders into this ethereal plane and Chuck looks at him and says, “Hey, Louis. Come fire walk with me.” So they do. They walk across some fire together while a little man dances nearby and jazz music plays from nowhere. I don’t completely understand what any of this has to do with treasure hunting, but that’s the beauty of Firewalker. David Lynch refuses to explain everything to you. Sometimes you just have to accept that Chuck Norris exists simultaneously in our world and the Black Lodge.

    I have a soft spot on the top of my head because my skull never completely formed. One afternoon I was at the video store renting Emanuelle 4 for my little foster brother’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese when a VHS copy of Firewalker fell from a high shelf and struck me directly in the soft spot. Something happened. I suddenly knew everything. I understood quantum mechanics. I knew what happens after death. I knew exactly how many civilizations exist beyond our solar system and why mankind must never contact them. I also knew that Firewalker is an entertaining change of pace from Chuck Norris’s usual no-nonsense action movies. Unfortunately, a second VHS fell and hit me moments later, causing me to forget almost everything. But I still remember the part about Firewalker, so if you’re looking for something different from Norris, it’s worth a watch.

    #4 Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

    The one where he is a lonely wolf

    This film is essentially the prototype for Walking Texas Rangers. Norris plays a wolf that doesn’t get along with other wolves and goes alone against a ruthless drug dealing Wolf Lord, played by David “The Choke” Carradine. The final showdown between Norris and Carradine is one of the best martial arts fights of the 80s, making this a standout film in his career.

    This movie is pure Norris, and I love it for that. It has everything you want—fistfights, shootouts, and that classic Texas tough-guy vibe. It’s also the film that directly inspired Walking Texas Rangers, which makes it a key part of his legacy.

    #3 – Good Guys Wear Black (1978)

    The one where he wears black

    Made when Chuck Norris was still just a baby man, Good Guys Wear Black stars young Chuck as a little war orphan in Vietnam who uncovers a deadly government conspiracy. Most war orphans would probably be overwhelmed by this situation, but Chuck Norris had already mastered several forms of martial arts by infancy, so he begins kicking and punching his way toward the truth. The government quickly discovers that covering up a secret military operation is considerably more difficult when a furious baby Chuck Norris is investigating you. The highlight is his legendary slow-motion flying kick through a car windshield, which is especially impressive when you remember that his little baby legs had only recently learned to walk. Other children were learning their ABCs. Chuck was learning how to roundhouse-kick the federal government.

    I first saw Good Guys Wear Black when I was a young adult living in another crowded trap house, where privacy was impossible. Eventually I discovered that the viewing booths at the local porn shop were quiet, comfortable and perfect for watching movies, so instead of using the pornography provided, I’d bring VHS tapes from home and treat the place like my own private screening room. One afternoon I was deeply engrossed in Good Guys Wear Black when a stranger entered my booth and unexpectedly began performing a sex act on me. I probably should have said something, but Chuck was uncovering the government conspiracy and I didn’t want to miss anything. Eventually the stranger finished, politely left, and I continued watching. Five stars for customer service. Anyway, the political-thriller elements give Good Guys Wear Black considerably more substance than your average Chuck Norris action movie.

    #2 – Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

    The one where he invades U.S.A.

    If you love over-the-top ’80s action, Invasion U.S.A. is the ultimate Chuck Norris movie. Chuck plays a one-man invading army who decides to conquer the United States using every weapon at his disposal. The Army can’t stop him. The Navy can’t stop him. The Air Force looks at the situation and says, “Fuck that, that’s Chuck Norris.” America spent hundreds of billions of dollars building the most powerful military on Earth but apparently nobody prepared for the possibility that one bearded karate man might declare war on Florida. Chuck shoots people, blows up buildings and marches steadily across the country like a one-man coup of death. There are so many explosions that by the end I’m not even sure there’s an America left for Chuck to invade. He may technically be president now.

    Invasion U.S.A. is ridiculous, excessive, loud, exhilarating and probably terrible for your heart, which is why it reminds me so much of cocaine. I used to enjoy cocaine and I used to enjoy Invasion U.S.A., and eventually I realized they were basically the same thing. Both make you feel fucking incredible for about ninety minutes. Both convince you that you’re capable of defeating an entire terrorist organization by yourself. Both involve a lot of sweating, screaming and unreasonable confidence. And afterward you look around at the destruction you’ve caused and think, “Jesus Christ, I need to make some changes.” I don’t use cocaine anymore, but occasionally I’ll watch Invasion U.S.A. and remember the old days. Then Chuck fires two machine guns at once, something explodes for absolutely no reason, and I remember exactly why I quit.

    #1 – Way of the Dragon (1972)

    The one where he is a dragon

    Yes, Way of the Dragon is technically a Bruce Lee movie, but we’re not here to talk about Bruce Lee. We’re here for Chuck Norris in his unforgettable role as American Dragon Jake Long, the greatest martial artist America has ever produced. The movie builds toward the legendary showdown inside the Roman Colosseum, where Bruce Lee and American Dragon Jake Long settle their differences using the ancient diplomatic traditions of hitting and kicking each other. It’s one of the greatest fight scenes ever filmed because these men possessed real-life hit-and-kick skills. No computers. No stunt doubles flying around on wires. Just Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris beating the absolute shit out of each other while a little cat watches. History remembers Rome for Julius Caesar, the rise and fall of an empire and two thousand years of Western civilization. I remember it as the place Bruce Lee ripped out Chuck Norris’s chest hair.

    This was also the first time I ever saw Chuck Norris. It was the day I was born, and Way of the Dragon happened to be playing on the television in my mother’s hospital room. As I emerged from my mother’s vagina and took my first terrified look at this strange new world, I glanced toward the television and saw Chuck Norris punch Bruce Lee. I didn’t understand language yet. I didn’t understand movies. I didn’t even understand that I had just been born. But somehow I pointed my tiny newborn hand toward the screen and whispered my first word: “Daddy.” The doctors became very concerned. Mommy started crying. My actual father left the room and didn’t come back for several hours. But none of that mattered. Chuck Norris had welcomed me into this world with a fist, and I’ve been a fan ever since. Way of the Dragon isn’t just the perfect introduction to Chuck Norris. It was my introduction to life.

  • Top 15 Episodes of Tales From the Crypt

    “Tales From the Crypt” is a prehistoric TV show from a time when cavemen roamed the earth and lived with dinosaurs. The host of this show was an actual corpse brought back to life using the magic of an ancient curse. This corpse tells false cautionary tales to guide the uneducated masses to make the right moral decisions. The corpse was named “Aesop.” Here are the Top 15 Fables of Ancient Lore presented by the dead Aesop.

    #15 – Carrion Death (Season 3, Episode 2)

    Damn fine!

    The most brutal episode of Tales from the Crypt is “Carrion’s Death” from season three. Kyle MacLachlan plays Earl Raymond Diggs, a fugitive who is pursued through the Arizona desert by a police. Diggs kills the cop (because Fuck da Police!), but both cars are destroyed by an angry God, and they are handcuffed together, with the only key thrown away. While this is set up for a hot gay porn scene, the vultures chasing them will make sure that this gay action doesn’t happen.

    “Carrion Death” is neither funny nor sexy. My fiancée often watches really hot porn videos where guys are handcuffed together (of course we don’t let the kids watch them). This episode isn’t like two guys handcuffed together in the desert having wild sex to pass the time by sucking each other’s cocks.

    Kyle McLachlan’s performance becomes increasingly frustrating as Diggs quickly tires out, both physically and existentially. He never gets to suck the handcuffed guy’s cock – the desert drives him insane. Likewise, the violence on screen isn’t vicious or exaggerated, but it’s not sexy at all. For those who think Tales from the Crypt is a horror-comedy show about hot sex, “Death by Corruption” is a grim reminder that the show can be deadly serious.

    #14 – Dead Right (Season 2, Episode 1)

    “Oh yeah, baby, gimme some of that Substance”

    Bitches always think about taking a brother’s money. These money-obsessed hos don’t really care about men. All they want is some money to put in their money holes. That’s why I love my fiancée. She never wanted my money because I don’t have any. I’m unemployed and she is a stripper. She makes money by showing off her sexy body and rubbing it against rich men that pay her, but all her love is for me and we have two children. But she’s rare. Most women (on Earth at least) are like the money-worshipping slut played by Demi Moore in this episode – always chasing men for their money.

    In this episode, Demi Moore marries a hideous guy, played by Jeffrey Tambor, because she thinks she can get some money out of it. “Tales from the Crypt” always warns people to be careful of this type of woman and always makes society aware of the fate of these women. Not only do they have to have sexual relations with men who look like a bowl of old chef Boyardee Beefaroni left on the kitchen counter for a week, these women also become dead. Money-grubbing bitches not only fit a gross old wonton-shaped penis into their body, but they also die.

    #13 – The Man Who Was Death (Season 1, Episode 1)

    The very first episode of “Tales From the Crypt” is perhaps the most relevant to the current times that we are living in. While this story was told by the Dead Aesop in 500 BCE, it might as well be talking about what’s going on right now in 2025.

    William Sadler plays Niles Talbot, just your normal working-class guy. He holds down a blue-collar government job as an executioner. Most likely a conservative who probably thought he cared about his country when he voted against its best interests. I mean, Trump said that he really cared about the working class, and Niles Talbot was just dumb enough to believe that. But unfortunately for this hardworking, blue-collar man, DOGE comes in and starts eliminating government employees and poor Niles Talbot here ends up without a job.

    But he still has a sense of justice, still believes in the death penalty and starts freelancing. Sure, he believes criminals should get what they deserve, but he voted for a criminal. Sure, he voted for an administration that promised to fight hard against sex trafficking, and then this guy has to witness, in horror, as the Trump administration so gleefully lets in a notorious sex trafficker like Andrew Tate. Is it no wonder then, that Niles Talbot here will turn to murder?

    And in the end, he’s executed as well. You got what you voted for is the lesson to be gleaned here.

    #12 – Abra Cadaver (Season 3, Episode 4)

    I wanna reach out and grab ya

    In 1982, The Steve Miller Band based their hit song “Abra Cadaver” on this classic sibling rivalry legend. The episode stars Boo Bridges (“The Lesser” from The Bridges Clan) and Tony Goldwyn as the bickering Fairbanks brothers. Carl (played by Tony Goldwyn) plays a cruel joke on Martin (played by Boo The Lesser), whose medical career is stalled by the loss of his hands. Years later, Martin uses his medical research into the brain to get revenge. Martin uses Carl as a lab rat, leaving his brother fully conscious but unable to move because he has done something evil and deviant.

    It’s always nice to reflect on the lyrics to the Steve Miller Band’s classic song:

    “Abra Abra Cadaver
    I wanna reach out and grab ya
    And inject you with a mysterious liquid
    You will be paralyzed but still conscious
    I will do a fake autopsy on you
    But you will be dead
    Abra Cadaver”

    Indeed, one of the best.

    #11 – The Ventriloquist’s Dummy (Season 2, Episode 10)

    AKB48 is the best J-Pop group ever!

    All dolls are fucking creepy, especially talking ones. My daughter, Dora the Explorer, has an unknown number of creepy dolls that talk to her and promise to kill her enemies. Often, they keep their promises. This is so common throughout history that it is featured in the show’s second season episode, “The Ventriloquist Dummy.”

    The episode follows Billy Goldman (Bobcat Goldthwaite), a shy comedian and ventriloquist. Billy meets a friend, retired ventriloquist and J-pop idol, Mr. Ingalls (Don Rickles), who asks for his help to improve his act and learn the secrets of creepy doll talking. When they meet in person, Billy learns the dark secret behind Ingalls’ success in the cutthroat world of J-pop idols. And the real origin of his creepy talking doll, Morty. This is human nature. Now you know about scary dolls.

    Starring two big-name comedians, Rickles and Goldthwaite, “The Ventriloquist Dummy” is the show’s main attraction. Rickles, in particular, is clearly having fun in the role, playing up his established J-pop idol fame with a laid-back tone. “The Ventriloquist Dummy” is an episode that will make you smile. It’s the best shit Richard Donner ever did. Better than that The Goonies crap.

    #10 – What’s Cookin’ (Season 4, Episode 6)

    Eat the food

    Eating people is always dangerous but can be rewarding. In this episode, Christopher Reeves (the Dead Superman) plays Fred, the world’s most successful squid chef. Fred loves his squid and he makes all kinds of inspired and amazing squid delicacies. But then along comes Bender from The Breakfast Club to say “Hey, why don’t you start cooking up people too?” Nobody asked you, Bender! It was a banner fucking year at the ol squid restaurant, but Bender thinks they should start cooking up some long pig because human beings are the squid of the land.

    “What’s Cookin’” gives us the opportunity to see Dead Superman eat some food, and that is good. And Meat, frontman from the band Meat And The Loafs, shows up to be some food. So it’s a lot of fun. My children laughed and laughed all through this episode. Good times had by all.

    #9 – Top Billing (Season 3, Episode 5)

    It’s that guy!

    “Top Billing” is a good episode because it has this man, John Astin, who is the father of Samwise Gamgee. John Astin was also an actor and did some show in the 60s, I can’t remember what. Also, did you know that Samwise Gamgee’s mother was a woman named Patty Duke? She also did television in the 60s and was in a show that had some other-worldly name unpronounceable by human speech so historians only refer to it as “The Patty Duke Show.”

    This episode has that guy who played Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live,” (can’t remember his real name. Adam Sandler? Phil Hartman?). Anyway, the guy that played Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live” is an actor that wants to play Hamlet and Samwise Gamgee’s dad lets him but there is a twist. Because of course. “Tales from the Crypt” always did the twisty shit and here it is good.

    # 8 – Death of Some Salesman (Season 5, Episode 1)

    All of these actors were also in Muppet Treasure Island

    Not every episode of “Tales From the Crypt” was a darkly comic horror fable from the Dead Aesop. Sometimes the show would adapt famous works of literature as well. This Season 5 episode, “Death of Some Salesman,” is based on the 1949 play of the same title by Arthur Miller. It shows that the people who made “Tales From the Crypt” were also cultured people.

    In this story, Willy Loman (Tim Curry), is a down on his luck salesman living in Brooklyn, New York. His wife Linda (also Tim Curry), suggests that he try to find a new position where he doesn’t have to travel. He barely gets along with his kids Biff Loman (also played by Tim Curry) and Happy Loman (again, also played by Tim Curry). By the end, this unhappy salesman accepts the reality that his life fucking sucks and he should just die. Should have married a stripper, my man.

    #7 – Split Second (Season 3, Episode 11)

    “Do not insert”

    This episode has the legendary giant Brion James (that guy who played Salvador Dali in The Pterodactyl Women of Beverly Hills) as a lumberjack named Steve who has no chill. He marries a pretty lady, Liz (Michelle Johnson) and is way too jealous and possessive of her. If this girl is even in the same room as another man, Steve goes into a Hulk rage and screams: “Do not ever think of inserting yourself into the vagina of my wife!” and rips off heads.

    This fable gives us the lesson of how important it is to trust your spouse, which is very important. My fiancee is a stripper and I trust her totally, I know that she is not letting random men insert themselves into her vagina. I do not Hulk rage and hurt others out of jealousy. Okay, the woman in this episode actually IS inviting other men into her vagina, but that’s not my point. Steve the Lumberjack should have trusted his wife. And because of that distrust he gets chopped up into little bits. Do you want to be chopped up into little bits? No? Then you should trust your spouse. That is the lesson that Dead Aesop gives us here.

    #6 – The New Arrival (Season 4, Episode 7)

    “Better go into the fucking light, Carol Ann, because this is what happens to little girls that don’t.”

    Ah yeah, “The New Arrival” which gives us the legendary actor David Warner (you know, that dude from that episode of Star Trek The Next Generation that was all “there’s five lights, motherfucker!”) along with Zelda Rubenstein (princess of Hyrule, bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom). In this very entertaining tale, Mr. Five Lights plays Dr. Goatse, a talking doctor of kids. He goes to visit the castle of Princess Zelda to help her unruly child and is in for quite a surprise.

    My daughter, Dora the Explorerer, was very motivated about this episode and on the edge of her little seat because she thought for sure that this would end up being about a creepy doll. Unfortunately it turns out that the unruly child is just another stupid fuck dead body. Dora the Explorer raged and punched the TV. But I liked the episode.

    #5 – Forever Ambergris (Season 5, Episode 3)

    Got your nose!

    “Forever Ambergris” is a tale about two men of the sea who go out on their boat and harvest ambergris, a whale product used to manufacture perfumes. It is a dramatic tale of their adventures on the high seas and their pursuit of fortune as they harvest ambergris, bonding and becoming lifelong friends.

    Wait, no, that would be a story that would fit with a title like “Forever Ambergris.” What is this war photography bullshit here? Steve Buscemi and a dude from The Who are out in jungles taking pictures of wars and gettin’ diseases. Where’s the ambergris? Where’s the whales vomiting up that gold? What even is?

    #4 – And All Through the House (Season 1, Episode 2)

    You are a rather unkind man, Mr. Grinch

    The harshest lesson any of us learn as children is that Santa Claus does not exist. Realizing how badly you have allowed yourself to be lied to and accept this absolute unreality can be devastating. When I learned that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, I stayed locked in my room for days, crying. My children have yet to learn that lesson and I dread the day when they do.

    In this fable, “And All Through the House,” Dead Aesop does not dare shy away from the brutality of learning that Santa does not exist. There is murder and bloodshed and Dr. Giggles just being totally insane. I am considering showing this episode to my own children when the time arrives to inform them that there is no Santa Claus. Perhaps the utter horror of this episode will help temper their own rage as they discover the reality of the world.

    #3 – Television Terror (Season 2, Episode 16)

    Boo this man

    Morton Downey Jr. was a real piece of shit. Did you know that? He would say racist things when he was on TV. He got sued once by a woman because he said that strippers were “sluts” and had all kinds of diseases. I get VERY angry hearing about that because my fiancee is a stripper and she is a clean and decent woman and a wonderful mother to our children. I heard that the stripper sued him for a lot of money and won. Good for her. Morton Downey Jr. also attacked gay people, he got in fights and punched people and reporters. What a vile, terrible man.

    “Tales From the Crypt” decided once to show footage of that time Morton Downey Jr. went into a haunted house. He didn’t do anything different. He was the same shitty man just inside of a shitty haunted house. It is a very rewarding episode, watching that man in pain. Ghosts are trying to hurt him and he’s like “No, please don’t kill me,” but you watch and smile, saying “Fuck that man.” Morton Downey Jr. was a garbage human, I’m all for the ghosts.

    #2 – Yellow (Season 3, Episode 14)

    “Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. And everything you do. Yeah, they were all yellow.”

    Based upon the Coldplay song of the same name, “Yellow” is a story about war and just how shitty it is. Not as shitty as Morton Downey Jr, but still pretty goshdarn awful. And we got Douglases Douglasing all over the place here. Kirk Douglas is here as a World War I general and he’s got his son Eric Douglas playing his son. Michel Douglas is just off camera fapping to Sharon Stone on the set of Basic Instinct and souting back: “You tell him, Dad, you let my brother know what’s up!”

    The moral that Dead Aesop delivers to the audience here is that you should always hold yourself accountable, even if you are a chicken’s shit. Did you run away from a battle and pee your pants while all your friends died? Admit it. Because if you aren’t honest and admit what a total fucking coward you are to the world, then your Dad will shoot you in the head.

    #1 – Cutting Cards

    Gambling Addiction is a very serious problem that affects 2.5 million people each year, according to the National Council on Problem Gambling. In “Cutting Cards” we get a story that truly shows us the horror of such an addiction and what it can lead to. This a very special episode of “Tales From the Crypt” that deals with a very real issue affecting people every day. Whether it is your brother that just discovered the thrill of lottery scratchers or your grandmother that spends all of her retirement sitting in front of a video poker machine in Reno, gambling addiction is a crippling disorder that knows no prejudice. Perhaps you too have spent too much money on FanDuel and have put your family’s livelihood at risk?

    Gambling should never be seen as a way to make money or solve financial problems. It is a form of entertainment that carries a risk of losing money. You should only gamble with funds that you can afford to lose. If you find yourself unable to stick to limits, or if gambling starts to interfere with your daily life, relationships, or well-being, these are warning signs of a gambling problem. If you or someone you know is struggling with gambling addiction, it is crucial to seek help immediately. You can seek help or information by contacting the National Council on Problem gaming at 1-800-522-4700 or the helpline 1-800-GAMBLER.