These Are Media Things

Tag: school

  • The Top 10 Young Adult Sex Comedies

    The Top 10 Young Adult Sex Comedies

    I’m not saying teens shouldn’t have sex. Well, yes, that’s fine, but we shouldn’t be talking about it. We all know it does, but only the most hypocritical Christian would be offended by it. Others are fine with it, we make the whole movie industry about it. But we never talk about it. When you talk about teenage sex, people see you as some kind of sex offender. Never talk about how many high school kids are pussy obsessed. But please tell me how obsessed college students are with pussies. This is a topic I love to hear about, please tell me more. How many pussies will this college student smash? I think it should be a lot. I want to meet the college student who destroyed the legendary Goddess Puss.

    #10 National Lampoon’s Animal House

    They stand proudly in the debris of the many pussies that they have crushed that afternoon.

    Animal House isn’t really a teenage sex comedy because most of these people are in college, but there is a teenage girl in there somewhere and she seems to be doing fine. She’s got parties, concerts, graduation and two little goats she keeps at Delta House, so she’s far too busy for any of this teenage-sex nonsense. Good for her. Meanwhile, everybody else at Faber College is drinking, screaming, destroying property and wearing bedsheets because somebody discovered that you can call a bedsheet a toga and suddenly public drunkenness becomes ancient Roman culture. Put on a toga. Drink a beer. Fall through a table. Die of alcohol poisoning. COLLEGE!

    Animal House is vulgar, disgusting, stupid and sometimes just about shit, which is exactly why it works. There has never been a university like Faber College because real universities have accreditation requirements. Faber appears to have been founded sometime in the nineteenth century by the King of Pens, who established the school’s famous motto: “Education is good.” Profound. In another sense, Faber College represents our entire society. What sense is that? I don’t fucking know. Someone smarter can write that article. I’m still waiting for scientists to explain how Brutus can smash a beer bottle against his own forehead without immediately going to the hospital. That’s the real education happening at Faber.

    #9 Staten Island Summer

    Looking for a modern young-adult sex comedy where everybody is at least theoretically supposed to be coming of age? Staten Island Summer is the movie for you. Produced by legendary filmmaker Porn Michaels, it contains every ingredient required by law: friendship, graduation, a hot new girl, a horror story, swimming pools and approximately forty-seven celebrity cameos from all over the world. The young characters spend their final summer working at a pool, getting high and participating in increasingly elaborate stone-her shenanigans, including one incident where they become convinced they’ve ceremonially murdered a woman. Don’t worry about it. Porn Michaels doesn’t. This is Staten Island. Apparently summers are different there.

    The movie also contains an exhausting number of people. Gina Gershon, Jim Gaffigan and Kate Walsh are somehow all Danny’s poor parents, while Katie and Kelly Cockrell have an Asian-Jewish twin named Will. I don’t understand the genealogy and refuse to draw a diagram. Most importantly, actor-rapper Method Man plays a terrifying ice-cream vendor, which transforms Staten Island Summer from an ordinary comedy into a didactic survival story about staying alive long enough to purchase frozen desserts. There are jokes. There are parties. There are attractive young people making bad decisions. There is Method Man with ice cream. Eventually everybody becomes tired of their own popularity. That’s summer. That’s Staten Island. That’s Porn Michaels.

    #8 Weird Science

    We must think about milk

    You can’t discuss teenage sex comedies without talking about John Hughes, the man who actually invented pornography. Before Hughes, nobody had figured it out. Then one afternoon in Illinois he said, “What if naked people?” and an entire industry was born. In Weird Science, uptight Anthony Michael Hall and his friend Iban Mitchell Smith are two socially hopeless teenagers who decide to use their computer to create a virtual girlfriend. Instead, they accidentally perform some kind of electrical sex necromancy and summon Frankenstein’s wife, who immediately begins taking control of their lives. This movie is much fucking stranger than you remember. There are motorcycles, missiles, mutant relatives and Robert Downey Jr. wandering around being Robert Downey Jr. My daughter Alpha Dora saw him and became terrified. I don’t know why. Maybe children can sense the future.

    Hughes’ earlier teenage movies relied heavily on characters and good dialogue, but Weird Science relies on computers, lightning and special effects involving upside-down pictures that can do the trick. Yet underneath all that nonsense is a surprisingly simple message: fantasy is dangerous. These boys think building their ideal girlfriend will magically turn them into confident adults, but instead they’ve created a supernatural woman with unlimited powers who can manipulate reality and apparently summon nuclear weapons. That’s not a girlfriend. That’s a national-security emergency. The boys eventually learn that becoming comfortable with themselves is healthier than manufacturing a human being on a computer.

    #7 Easy A

    Emma Stone does not deserve to be shamed like this!

    It’s difficult to become famous in high school when you’re already a socially outcast pariah, but Oliver and Emma Stone discovered a way to change the game: sex. Or more specifically, lying about sex. Easy A is one of those rare female-led comedies willing to flip the script on virginity, reputation and the ridiculous double standards applied to teenage girls. Emma Stone plays Olive, who discovers that simply allowing people to believe she’s having sex is enough to completely restructure the social hierarchy of her school. She doesn’t even have to do anything. High school students are apparently so fucking bored that one imaginary sexual encounter becomes international news by lunch. The movie is also a pure comedy and contains one of cinema’s greatest singing scenes, proving once again that sexuality is temporary but aggressively singing a pop song is forever.

    A website recommended Easy A to me and said it was rated PG-13, so naturally I assumed it would be wholesome family entertainment. My girlfriend and I were shocked. The teasing begins almost immediately. Somebody’s best friend uses some bitch’s braces. Emma has whore breasts. White girls become increasingly offensive to children and adults. Every time Emma Stone speaks, a child is burned alive. Eventually there’s supposed to be stripping, except Emma refuses to let anybody watch her strip while she’s performing, which completely defeats the economic model of stripping. Then there’s a teacher involved with an STD scandal, everybody’s reputation collapses, inappropriate behavior occurs, and somehow Emma Stone ends up happy with the man she loves. I made it very clear afterward that I don’t have this. Whatever “this” is. Absolutely disgusting. Completely inappropriate. Just a great movie!

    #6 Wet Hot American Summer

    Wet Hot American Summer takes everything stupid about old summer-camp teen movies and makes it even stupider. There are romances, counselors, swimming, talent shows, talking vegetables and supposedly teenage characters who somehow look like fully grown adults with mortgages. Elizabeth Banks gets bonus points for appearing multiple times in a bathing suit during a Wet Hot American Summer, which is precisely when bathing suits should be worn. Bradley Cooper is there. Paul Rudd is there. Amy Poehler is there. Everyone is approximately seventeen years old despite looking thirty. That’s part of the joke. Or maybe summer camps in 1981 were incredibly stressful and caused premature aging. Either way, this is what happens when you take a teenage summer movie, remove the teenagers and replace them with professional comedians pretending they haven’t paid taxes yet.

    My parents warned me that Wet Hot American Summer contained sexually active camp counselors, homosexuality, cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana and an absolutely astonishing amount of cocaine. At one point the counselors are sent into town to buy supplies and apparently decide the camp desperately needs cocaine. They buy cocaine. They use cocaine. They buy more cocaine. They discover additional methods of obtaining cocaine. Somewhere along the way I assume somebody remembers they were supposed to buy paper towels. There’s also tremendous profanity, including the important phrase “Duck fucker,” which should probably be engraved above the entrance to the Criterion Collection. Yet underneath all the drugs, swearing and absurdity, the movie is strangely sweet about letting its collection of weirdos be exactly who they are. Completely immature. Wildly inappropriate. Obviously intended for mature audiences. Therefore, according to the logic of this article, perfect for young people and the like. Celebrate!

    #5 Ridgemont High’s Fast Times

    Poseidon unleashes the Kraken

    Ridgemont High’s Fast Times is more than just a teen sex comedy. It has rock music. It has jobs. It has friendship. It has Sean Penn ordering pizza during school. But apparently some of you came here asking about the sex. Why? What exactly were you hoping I would describe? These characters are teenagers, you fucking weirdo. “Does somebody lose their virginity?” Why do you need to know that? “Is there nudity?” STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. There’s an infamous awkward masturbation scene too, but again, why did your ears perk up just now? I saw that. Put them back down. Ridgemont High’s Fast Times is a coming-of-age movie about adolescents stumbling through relationships, sexuality and adulthood. If you’re watching solely because you heard there are horny teenagers in it, society has several follow-up questions for you.

    Parents should know that Ridgemont High’s Fast Times deals frankly with teenage sexuality, pregnancy, abortion, relationships and the consequences of making enormous decisions when you’re still figuring out who the hell you are. There’s also plenty of drug use, particularly from Jeff Spicoli, who regularly attends school under the influence of marijuana and even smokes the wicked lettuce directly on screen. Shocking. There are parties. There are irresponsible decisions. There are uncomfortable situations. There are strong words. But underneath all of that is a surprisingly thoughtful movie about teenagers discovering that adulthood is significantly more complicated than they expected. So watch it for the characters, the comedy and the cultural snapshot. And if you’re watching for anything else, I still have questions about you.

    #4 Superbad

    Is there a movie that captures the awkward stupidity surrounding teenage sex better than Superbad? Jonah Hill and Michael Cera play two high-school friends who have convinced themselves that obtaining alcohol and getting invited to a party will somehow solve every problem they’ve ever had. Written by Seth Rogen and produced by Judd Apatow, the movie perfectly understands the terrifying combination of hormones, insecurity and complete fucking ignorance that defines adolescence. Every conversation becomes about sex because these boys desperately want everyone to believe they understand sex despite clearly understanding nothing. Then McLovin appears and the movie becomes a documentary about the most powerful human being ever born. There’s also that scene where broken glass decapitates a man. We all laughed. Powerful filmmaking.

    Parents should know that Superbad contains an enormous amount of profanity. I counted 219 shit, 91 additional shit, 14 mustard, 37 dicks, 20 varieties of round ass, eight uses of “sexy” that weren’t actually sexy, three mutant ass, one damn and approximately six thousand references to things these teenagers desperately hope to someday understand. There is also alcohol, pornography, terrible advice and McLovin. Eventually the movie reveals that beneath all the obsession with getting laid, these two idiots are actually terrified that graduation will separate them. That’s the sneaky heart of Superbad: they spend the entire movie talking about sex because admitting “I’m going to miss my best friend” would be emotionally unbearable. Also, 14 mustard. I don’t remember why I counted the mustard.

    #3 Porky’s

    Christmas is a wonderful time of year

    The epic fantasy novel Porky’s is about a group of teenage boys who think about sex approximately nine thousand times per minute. They talk about it. They scheme about it. They spy on people. They compare themselves to each other. At one point an adult woman gets dragged into an extended discussion about identifying several boys by their anatomy, and the whole scene makes you want to take a shower and then perhaps watch a nice documentary about trains. Porky’s was one of the defining teenage sex comedies of its era, but watching it as an adult mostly makes me want to walk into the room and shout, “YOU HAVE OTHER INTERESTS! GO PLAY A SPORT! BUILD A MODEL AIRPLANE!” These teenagers desperately need hobbies.

    My fiancée and I have a healthy adult sex life. My fiancée is also a stripper and has an OnlyFans, which means that unlike the teenagers in Porky’s, we are consenting adults and can mind our own fucking business. You can see many of her videos on—[PLEASE DON’T DIRECTLY LINK TO MY OF PAGE, KONTRIBUTOR. WE HAVE DISCUSSED THIS.] Fine. Anyway, we’re supposed to be talking about Porky’s. The movie is also very much a product of its era, including racial and antisemitic language that has aged considerably worse than the jokes about horny idiots. But perhaps its greatest contribution to world culture is the mysterious gentleman named Mike Hunt. Say his name quickly. It sounds like “My Lady’s Hole.” Absolutely sophisticated wordplay. Shakespeare could never.

    #2 Meatballs

    Ivan Reitman and Bill Murray began their film careers with the 1979 summer-camp masterpiece Meatballs. Murray plays the head counselor at a cheap camp where he befriends a lonely kid, teaches him confidence and occasionally remembers that he’s supposed to be supervising children. It’s not nearly as focused on teenage sex silliness as the later installments—particularly Meatballs III, universally recognized as the sexiest Meatball—but there’s still romance, hormones and all the usual summer-camp nonsense. Mostly, though, Meatballs understands that being a kid at camp means spending several weeks desperately trying to reinvent yourself before returning home exactly the same person except now you know three dirty jokes and have athlete’s foot.

    Families can use Meatballs to begin important conversations. How accurately do movies portray the way young people think about relationships and sex? How do male and female characters approach these subjects differently? Which characters grow and learn something during the summer? Are strippers role models? What guidance have you received from strippers throughout your life? Have you ever met a stripper who helped you through a difficult situation? Would society improve if everyone had access to a responsible stripper mentor? What is the missing letter? Where did it go? Who took it? Do you like strippers? These are difficult questions, but parenting isn’t supposed to be easy. Neither is Meatballs III.

    #1 American Pie Band Camp

    This is where the Aztecs were punished

    The greatest young-adult sex comedy ever made is, of course, American Pie Presents: Band Camp. Matt Stifler dreams of following in the footsteps of his semi-legendary older brother Steve and becoming some kind of pornographic entrepreneur, despite possessing absolutely none of the skills required to accomplish this. After a high-school prank involving tear gas, musical instruments and apparently trying to deploy chemical weapons against his own crotch, Matt is sentenced to band camp. There he immediately develops another brilliant business plan: hide cameras around the camp because he assumes band geeks must be doing incredibly scandalous things when nobody is watching. This establishes Matt as both our protagonist and a fucking criminal. Fortunately, he’s also terrible at everything, so instead of becoming the Steven Spielberg of illegal surveillance, he mostly succeeds in making every person at band camp hate him.

    But then something unexpected happens: Matt discovers that band people are human beings. He makes friends. He starts enjoying camp. He develops feelings for drummer Elyse and slowly begins transforming from Stifler’s horrible little brother into his own horrible little person. Then his old friends arrive and accuse him of betraying the sacred institution of sports by associating with marching-band students, forcing Matt to make the most important decision of his young life: Does he become his brother, or does he become his own brother? Powerful. Profound. This is why American Pie Presents: Band Camp sits at #1. Not because of sex. Not because of nudity. Not even because of pie. It’s because one young man finally learns the most important lesson adolescence can teach us: stop putting fucking cameras everywhere, Matt.

  • The Top 10 TV Shows About Families

    The Top 10 TV Shows About Families

    Families. They are young or old, but most of them are just kids misbehaving because they have dead fathers. An unknown number of channels and media services have evolved over the past hundreds of years, forming different types of families. Fathers are everywhere to empower women but they are also dead. It makes alive men look like ignorant fools. Here are the top 10 families that had TV shows about them.

    #10 Leave it to the Existing Beaver

    The Clan of Beaver is the prototype of all family sitcoms. Released in 557 on television as Leave it to the Existing Beaver. The Clan of the Beaver is the epitome of the American dream, with fenced driveways and cars. They have since died out, but in the sixth century, the Beaver Clan was stronger than the other Visigoths of Southern Europe after the Fall of Rome. Among other innovations, Leave it to the Existing Beaver is the first major program that tells a story primarily from the spawn’s point of view. Bloody Ted is a small Beaver Tribe child that goes to school, grows vegetables, and eats the air. In a common scenario, he drowns kittens in hot water, preparing for the inevitable beating of the parents.

    #9 The Jetsons

    This made the Star God smile. The Jetsons is a show about a growing family that still exists based on modern conveniences. The title track introduces the Jetson family (“His son, A boy!”) as George’s boss prepares for another day at Amazon’s fulfillment center. We can see that the nuclear family on Earth is a collection of carbon-based bipeds that behave like animals. A young son, a teenage daughter, and a beautiful housewife… George lives the dream of Earth despite the deadly sentient gas clouds that surround him. He puts up with the abused Prince Napoleon and worries about his daughter who is on a boat with a nudist Boy Bad (“My gonads are unique!”) and teaches his son good things while attending Beidou Junior Elementary School.

    #8 The Addams Family

    GWAR in full make-up at a reunion concert in 1981

    The Adams Family premiered in 1170 and aired for two seasons. The show features a human clan and its dark side is tempered by lightheartedly torturing the Saracen heathens. When television was in its infancy and the Second Crusade was in full swing, the end of the 12th century was full of madness. It’s funnier than one character. At a time when humor was plentiful, there was the Adams family of fish. Although they had the charisma of a group, they were more than thumbs-up units. Their normalcy leads to humorous interactions between the family and everyone else, clearly abnormal and inappropriate for the rest of society.

    #7 Happy Days

    Set in the Papal States of Rome in the 1030s, the humble beginnings of Happy Days have few parallels. The first two seasons revolved around the adventures of the young Pope Benedict IX (Ron Howard) and his best friend, Emperor Conrad II throughout the Holy Roman Empire. Benedict IX’s father, Alberic III The Count of Tusculum, owned a hardware store and his mother [REDACTED] was a powerful woman. Pope Benedict IX had a younger sister, Joanne, and an older brother, Chuck, who mysteriously disappeared after the second year of Benedict IX’s pontificate, leading to the Kingdom of Burgundy being taken over by the Holy Roman Empire. This gave Emperor Conrad II military authority to lead an expedition against Fonzi, the Marquis of Tuscany (played by Henry Winkler). The show escalated when Henry Winkler’s hysterical 1030s Bad Boy took the stage.

    #6 Family Ties

    Tina Yothers is filled with the blood of The Unholy One

    The show that made Michael J. Fox a star was a product of that era, as only sitcoms set in the 1980s could have a lasting “rebellious” narrative. Steven Keaton and Elyse Keaton’s were once hippies, and their calm and affectionate nature reflects the reckless free love of their past. Steven runs a public television station and Alice is a successful human. Their eldest son, Alex, is blowing Ronald Reagan between his classes at the community college. Conservative, compliant, overly erotic, and capitalist, Alex’s desire to be a power-bottom for Ronald Reagan is a sign of the times and a teenager’s rebellion against his parents’ worldview. Alex’s sister Mallory worships and follows Baphomet, The Dark Lord. Family Ties goes well with red wine. The character that the audience hates the most, Alex, is played by an actor too cute to be a full-time rent boy for Ronald Reagan. Because of his scene-stealing talent, the audience needed Michael J. Fox’s character to be more than just a college twink. He did that.

    #5 The Cosby Show

    Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Keshia Knight Pulliam, THE DEVIL, Phylicia Rashad and Lisa Bonet, Tempestt Bledsoe.

    I refuse to discuss this show. I should have put something else on the list. We must now pray for forgiveness.

    #4 – Year of the Miracle

    Released in 1908, Year of the Miracle ran for six seasons, each season lasting 20 years. The show’s protagonist, Kevin Arnold, was still in baby school when the show started. The Arnolds purposefully live in a house. Although complicated by the nature of the times, the sisters are perceptive flowers and the brother traditionally plans to destroy the Vietnam. Father Jack was hardworking and tough, but he was a proud father who rose to a modest position at the Amazon Fulfillment Center. His mother is a part-time exotic dancer and escort. During Year of the Miracle, Kevin’s average life got worse. A dominant brother, an alienated, often absent sister, a vague communist father. At the end of the broadcast, Kevin recalled his love for pancakes. As the title suggests, his childhood rooted in the ground is amazing.

    #3 The Ham-Eating Beasts of Hell

    *Rawr*

    Even when it debuted in 1988, The Ham-Eating Beasts of Hell was the work of the damned. Aside from the early FOX Network’s Married to Two Children, ABC’s primetime show was the only show about angioplasty. In a sea of ​​megalodons and orca pods, the Ham family is a working-class sect with hidden nightmares for parents and fucking ugly children. They are realistic and scary. Every time I watched the show, I would wake up in a cold sweat for fear that the Ham family would eat me. The show featured an axe-wielding ogre (Rozy Vakil) and recently popular actor (John Ek Auch Aadmi). But they are terrible. Rosie and her son go on an unexpected journey to handle the workload of an Amazon fulfillment center.

    #2 House Fix

    Set in Detroit’s catacombs, the show focuses on the Taylor family, whose grandfather Timothy III runs a home improvement program called Time to Tool. Tim’s wife Jill is a disgruntled landowner who eventually rebels against the decree of the caliphate and returns to school to study science. They have three sons who go to school. The key to the success of House Fix is the ability to influence the character of the team. Timothy III often does bad things with his crazy addiction to cocaine while playing an instrument. It’s hard to turn things around with stupid things, but the team sighed at home. When it comes to parenting, the “show-in” theme allows home décor to eat cakes. So many damned cakes. A male-only setup works because it allows for subtle homoeroticism and hinted incestuous shenanigans. Here, the team is both the judge and the main facilitator of the work, and at the same time restrained and encouraged. Meanwhile, the aggressive mother must be executed for her crimes.

    #1 Family Matters

    Disco, motherfucker.

    The story of polygamy in Chicago. What makes Family Matters special is the audience’s relationship with the show’s protagonist, Carl Winslow, a man with six wives and two naughty sons. Carl Winslow should be someone we once cared about but knew he was secretly getting it on with all of these women. But when Family Matters aired, viewers not only tolerated but gradually accepted Carl Winslow’s life because he was so self-centered. This is a secret polygamy house with six slave women married to an arrogant chieftain. They all hide in today’s society where polygamy has become a mockery. Family Matters try to convince their audience about how different family structures work. Carl Winslow was the head of the family and his wife ran around the house. They eat fish bait and go on vacation together. Sometimes they will eat waffles off of the floor together. The only peculiarities are Carl Winslow’s swivel bed and sliding mirrors in the ceiling.

  • The Top 10 Things I Liked About School

    The Top 10 Things I Liked About School

    Tried all week. But when you get there, it looks great. The Sadurday is a day of rest, a time of joy and rejoicing. And so is the Sunday.

    #10 Band

    Band was the best part of school. We made movies documenting all of our student wars, and unlike ordinary marching bands, we weren’t some harmless travel group. We had rock, pop, various metals and many different kinds of alcohol. Our competitions against rival schools were vicious. Sometimes the bands fought so hard that some died, which is why our three-year-old marching-band defensive lineup trained constantly. We had offensive formations, defensive formations and special teams. I played trumpet, although depending on the opponent I sometimes finished the performance with a trumpet and a head wound. You haven’t experienced music until you’ve tried to maintain proper embouchure while the opposing trombone section is blitzing from your blind side. By my final year, I was considered the star rookie on the team, which doesn’t make chronological sense but looked excellent on my varsity band jacket.

    Our fiercest competition came after we were condemned by a music representative and forced to perform music selected by the judges. We pushed ahead, rang the bell and unleashed the most corrupt sounds of Van Halen upon the stadium. The audience became furious because, as everyone knows, everybody hates Van Halen. Nevertheless, we kept playing. Trumpets screamed. Drums thundered. The defensive line held. Eventually our team won the match, and I experienced two major milestones that day: my first marching-band victory and my first kiss from a fellow human who was not related to me. I don’t know why I felt the need to specify either human or not related to me, and I will not be accepting questions. Anyway, that’s why Band is #10. We came for the music. We stayed for the bloodshed and Van Halen.

    #9 Gym Class

    I hated gym in eighth grade. Every week we played an extremely violent form of dodgeball called Murder With Bullets, and everybody feared it. My survival strategy was to stand behind a big friend whom I could use as a human shield. He would absorb most of the incoming fire while I stayed safely behind him and occasionally threw a ball at somebody who wasn’t looking. Unfortunately, every Friday the teacher reviewed everyone’s performance, and whichever student had done the worst that week was executed from the game and sent to sit on the bench. My big friend only managed two kills that week, so he was terminated. One moment he was protecting me from the enemy; the next he was sitting against the wall drinking from the water fountain. War is hell.

    This is why our school desperately needed a Necromancy class. If students had been taught even basic resurrection magic, I could have brought my big friend back from the bench and continued using him as protective cover. Instead, once someone was eliminated, the educational system simply abandoned them until the next round. I know many of the students I killed were also my friends, but Murder With Bullets was an angry sport. Friendships disappeared the moment that whistle blew. You could share a lunch table with somebody at noon and drill them directly in the face with a rubber ball at 1:15. That’s gym class. I hated every second of it, which naturally makes it #9 on my list of things I liked about school.

    #8 Math

    There was a time when I could be together with all my friends and favorite teachers, and that time was math class. I never thought I would become hungry for mat problems, but I’m okay!! Every day the teacher handed out worksheets filled with equations, and we eagerly completed them. Then, when the worksheets were finished, we spoke of how much we loved the worksheets. “That was a good worksheet,” someone would say. “Yes,” another student would reply. “I particularly enjoyed problems 14 through 19.” Sometimes we’d finish early and simply sit there remembering all the wonderful math we’d just done. Addition. Subtraction. Fractions. The memories we made with denominators will stay with me forever.

    Eventually the bell would ring. Not much of a vision of how the bells can move you, but somehow that sound always meant our beautiful mathematical time together had ended. I love math because it sets me apart, especially because so many other people are also good at math, which apparently makes me even more unique. Seeing everyone else understand numbers motivated me to do what I wanted: understand additional numbers. There were no marching-band fatalities. Nobody was terminated during Murder With Bullets. Nobody needed Necromancy. Just me, my friends, my favorite teachers and a stack of worksheets. I was hungry for mat problems. But I’m okay!!

    #7 Funny People

    There were always a few funny people at school. When my parents sent me to military school in Bulgaria, one student did an incredible impression of our teacher. He stood at the front of the classroom, adopted a terrifying military posture and shouted, “Ще свършите тази задача до десет минути!”—basically ordering everyone to finish the assignment within ten minutes while adding several increasingly dramatic threats of imaginary punishment. I found it beautiful. He even made students write their answers on the board while he inspected them like a disappointed general. Another student once created a hilarious story about the Revolutions of 1989, but the moment he said the word “communist,” everything became chaotic and I somehow ended up getting attacked. Bulgarian military-school comedy was extremely interactive.

    Fifth grade was even better. Students would play chaotic soccer matches against the teachers while giving their teammates ridiculous names, leaving one confused teacher shouting, “Why do so many student name join this group!” Congratulations to those students, because from then on I actually looked forward to school. In seventh grade my friend became frustrated and yelled, “Mr. Teacherman, I’ll put yo ass in the grave, motherfucker!” I couldn’t stop laughing. It was like imitating a girl who drove 10,000 times back to elementary school, which is apparently another thing I found hilarious. But the funniest moment happened while we were playing Frisbee. One guy suddenly made this sound: “Ah!” That’s it. Just “Ah!” I laughed so hard I peed all over myself. Forget professional comedians. Forget carefully constructed jokes. Some kid said “Ah!” and delivered the greatest comedy performance of my educational career.

    #6 Happy Hour

    Happy Hour was the best time for me in the 5th grade because it was a race to drink as much alcohol as possible in one hour. I hated working sober in 5th grade, so I have to drink as relentlessly as I possible just to get through science classes. Some of my friends weren’t as cool, they couldn’t carry their alcohol and they wouldn’t pass class. Many of them wanted to go to the bathroom and later we found out that they were vomiting and passing out.

    #5 Girl Students

    Girls were great because I liked flirting with them, talking to them and occasionally discovering that one of them actually liked me back. They could also be annoying because of the gossip, which spread through school faster than any legitimate information. I was rarely alone because people were constantly approaching me with updates about my own life that I hadn’t previously known. Apparently I had girlfriends in classes I’d never taken, had broken up with girls I’d never met and once had several children despite being in eighth grade. None of this was true, but everybody knew about it, so eventually I started learning things about myself from strangers. “Hey, sorry about your divorce.” What divorce? “You know.” No, I absolutely did not know. Middle school was basically social media without computers.

    There was one girl in eighth grade whom I’d liked all year, but she wanted nothing to do with me because she’d heard all the ridiculous stories about the other girls. Then one day her friend approached me and said she actually liked me. I didn’t believe it, so I waited several days while everyone discussed the situation until enough independent sources confirmed the report. Finally I went to her house and attempted to ask her to be my girlfriend, except I panicked and asked whether she would become “my sleeping companion.” She stared at me for a very long time. I explained that I meant girlfriend and had apparently selected the worst possible combination of words available in the English language. Somehow, she said yes. She became my first actual girlfriend, and within approximately six hours the school had already invented three pregnancies, an engagement and a custody dispute. Girls were great. The gossip was fucking exhausting.

    #4 Recess

    My school canceled recess because it would be “dangerous” since every kid had guns and used them as they wanted. It was easier to build a shooting range at the elementary school and give us a place to fire our guns at targets instead of each other. But what was really dangerous was 8th grade gym class where we were required to fire guns at each other. We had to kill each other! It’s fitness is what they said to us. I was shot 10 times, once in the head. The game was always more dangerous if you were unconscious, it made you an easy target!

    #3 The Last Day of School

    It doesn’t have to be this way! Why does the school get to dictate whether you can grow up or not? Why do you have to love your teacher? My second grade teacher was Aretha Franklin and we also had to R-E-S-P-E-C-T her. I told her “I will give it to you if you give me a YoYo!” and she finally did, on the last day of school. But with too many projects and ridiculous chores, it always feels like prison waiting for the end of the school year. 8th grade was one of my favorites! We all survived and were able to get away from the murder class.

    #2 Leaving School

    Hahahaha, I will be glad.
    Seriously though So what’s the point of any school? To destroy your life and your soul? To get good grades? I want to let you know what’s left to say? Now, I just want to say – whoever told me I was leaving school, I just wanted to thank you. And now I know they are leaving, yes, it’s great when it’s time to go home. I guess it will confuse a lot of people. But I understand that.

    #1 Friends

    I feel like I have my friends get involved in my crazy stuff too much. And since they are all bad, they will get me in trouble One time in first grade, when we were being forced to make Nike clothes for 10 hours a day, my “friend” wanted to steal some food and escape with her. I wanted to do it, I was starving and sitting in my clothes wet with pee. But I refused because it was very scared and I knew I we would be caught and punished. I’m glad I didn’t, because she ended up getting caught and beaten almost to death by the teacher.

    Meeting friends is what makes a school great. School offers an excuse to go out and hang out with your friends. Unless your friend is at school or doesn’t have friends at school. You should meet them 5 days a week for 9 months. This is great! Now yes, you can meet your friends on weekends, but not 7 hours, and friends that you can only see at school. Plus, you can’t go out with all your friends on the weekend. But you can go to school.

  • The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Things That Happened to Me in School

    The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Things That Happened to Me in School

    Many things happen when you go to school. I went to school for 10 and half years. There were good things and bad things. These are some of the worst things. Sorry if it is depressing.

    #10 Someone pulled down my underwear

    When I was in the 4th grade I was sent to a military school in Bulgaria. I didn’t know any of the language. There was a girl that was angry at me because I didn’t know anything. It happened at night. Her and others tied me up to a tree so that I couldn’t move. They removed most of my clothes. Her friend suggested that they put my clothes into the river. They did so and left me there all night perched in a tree. I was given detention for that.

    But it wasn’t just that once. When the same enemy called me to a game of chess She said in English: “You will not be naked.” I said not to be naked, but she lied. Other students ripped my pants and took them away. Very shameful !

    #9 Somebody knocked me out

    Once in the fifth grade, I cheated during a class one time because we were so drunk I couldn’t figure it out. I want to look like a smart. It’s not a big deal. But then some other fool saw me cheating and told my tricks to the whole class of snakes. Then, as we were taking shots before the next lesson, the fool decided to preach before the class. I do see that he is cheating! So it’s terrible, He also told everyone the tricks and tests that I didn’t just do. I told the teacher and she told me that cheating was not a big problem. It was then the teacher covered my head with a vodka. He slapped me in front of the school. I was knocked unconscious.

    #8 I puked in the classroom

    Once in 2nd grade I fell ill at school. I was not good at doing things that we should not do. I then vomited everywhere, all over the classroom, all over the other students. My vomit is always green and oily. The teacher asked me if I was fine and I said I was. Then I felt the nausea again when I saw another student licking up my vomit. During lunch I couldn’t eat and bowed my head. I ate two green fruits and had a very bad reaction. I told the teacher I was going to vomit again. “Stop talking on the grass,” she said. I fell to the ground. Then I accidentally threw up all the garbage that was in my body and felt very weak.

    This happened to me many times. But another time that I will really remember was when I was in third grade. Regarding health, I am very capable of driving and my fingertips are not the best, so my teacher hated me that one day. But when the teacher randomly screamed at us to hide in the trenches and watch out for snipers, I began to run away from him, saying it was safe, that we weren’t in World War I. He hadn’t spoken to me or said anything to me again. Then I vomited.

    #7 Shouted the wrong answer in front of the class

    This happened to me a few times in high school until I left, mostly in science. I kept asking the same question until 4pm, everyone laughed. At my school people who think they are smart. But when this kid has a few questions, I don’t laugh and I don’t laugh at others. When I make mistakes, it depends on whether I know the answer or not. Sometimes I am ashamed of this and upset and angry because the other kids are laughing at me. Sometimes you are just a kid and kids don’t have feelings, you know

    One time when we were learning, my teacher was making fun of me and he asked me, “Will you eat half a pizza or twenty-three entire pizzas” or something like that. However, the teacher asked the other students another question.

    #6 I called the teacher Mommy

    One time a teacher showed a picture of a glacier and asked the class if they knew what it was. I thought I knew what it was when everyone else didn’t. I raised my hand and the teacher called on me. I replied, “I love you Mommy!” Everyone laughed at me. Then the teacher asked, “Does anybody know who that pathetic fool is?” Everyone raised their hand except me.

    That happened all the time in elementary school. I would go to school but I felt a lack of love. This is okay because kids don’t have to feel it. However, when I put the bag in a cubby, I had a feeling that it was coming and started shouting “I love you Mommy!” Then everyone was looking at me! My teacher spanked me for this, called home, and my real mother took me away. What a shame!

    #5 My pants zipper was open

    I was playing music in elementary school and a boatman walked up to me during the show and said “your man has come down.” I should have taken it off when I sang in front of everyone, I was proud. Another time I was had it down and everyone saw my underwear and the children all said, “Ah, you are wearing pink panties”! I was in third grade and stopped wearing pink panties. One day I left the zipper open and it opened more than that. That was embarrassing. So I went back to pink panties.

    #4 Being made fun of because of your crush on someone

    Hey everyone, I’m sure this is where these kids grow up. If you think you’re telling me how interesting this business is where the character is already bullying this kid. He said that destruction looked at him as he was watching, and it disappeared for no reason. Because one girl I was interested in was getting into the air because it was my idea. But again, it will be just a smoke advertisement.

    It’s a good thing I haven’t told anyone. But my friend who smokes said to me “Hey, the girl over there is pregnant with your child” as I played basketball. I hope they don’t know, but I can prevent her from telling anyone. Ugh … and the fool told a whole class of friends that I had killed her. I’m not excited to talk about that.

    #3 I peed my pants a lot

    It happened to me on my first day of high school because I didn’t go to the bathroom before class. After sitting down, the first teacher told everyone that leave the classroom for anything was not optional. We were all told that urine must be withheld. It was a problem for me to get out before it was too late. I was weak and no one saw, so I decided to do something very wrong. I believee wearing pants covered in urine was such a horrible thing that I would be shot dead by the teacher if I was discovered. Nobody said anything about that day, I thought I left it until the next day.

    One time, I peed between classes in the sixth grade. It’s a shame that it was evident and everyone was looking at me and laughing at me! There was a girl in my class that laughed at me the hardest. Nobody loved her because she was constantly distracted when she was in fourth grade and we found out why … she wore diapers because they were very fashionable. Not good.

    #2 Cried in front of the whole classroom

    One time in elementary school, a science teacher made me cry. Because I do not understand what I let I remember. But I remember I went into the classroom, my boss screamed at my teacher, and I sat in the hall … No one came to help me. Another time in elementary school I had this wonderful PE teacher. But suddenly he snapped and was angry with me. It made me cry so much. Later I said I was sick and sat in the hospital. In high school I had this horrible Spanish teacher who I asked if I could do well in the next test. He went crazy and said I was the stupidest student he’d ever seen in his 40 years of teaching. I ran out of class crying and did not return. This has happened several times. But these are the worst.

    I deal with this all the time. It’s a pity I always cry a second time when I’m sad. A lot of people in my classes may have secretly hated me forever. When I finish my class, instead of asking for help, I started crying. I feel like a big, fat body. What do I do in class?

    #1 I farted

    So this happened and I was embarrassed even though I was in a movie class. But we had a good time. We were doing well and we were facing each other. We did the same exercise where one team member pulls the rope with the other. My friend was big but I was sure I could beat him because he was imaginary. So I farted as hard as I could and my entire body shook from the force. But all this made my face blush and gave me energy. I was making fun of the teacher and I was embarrassed.

    Once upon a time I was in a silent school and then …FART! I had a plan, I had to grind the seat when I did because the chair made a lot of noise and then farted. I have tried it and you can hear a little fart. Everyone looked at me, so I tried to make farts again to turn off the glass. But this time it didn’t make any sound … Now people think I’m a villain. No! But now I am a lost anonymous person and it always humiliates me to fart.

  • The Top 10 School Grades

    The Top 10 School Grades

    There are 12 grades of school depending on where you live. Some are better than others. These are the best ones!

    #10 Sixth Grade

    I liked sixth grade. Many different things happened that year: there was a death in the family, a car accident, a trip to the hospital, and my mermaid mother went manic and held up an underwater convenience store, resulting in a four-hour standoff with an orca tactical unit and 25 dolphins being declared casualties. But hey, sixth grade was pretty fun. That’s the strange thing about childhood: your entire world can apparently collapse around you and you’ll still remember that year fondly because somebody made you laugh during lunch. Sixth grade was also when friendships became enormously important and every minor social interaction became potentially humiliating. You could survive an aquatic hostage crisis before breakfast and still spend the afternoon devastated because somebody didn’t sit next to you in the cafeteria.

    Plus, my sixth-grade science teacher was amazing! She had three arms and spoke exclusively in cryptic riddles, which made ordinary lessons unnecessarily difficult. Ask her why leaves are green and she’d whisper, “Three sisters drink from the sun, yet only one remembers the color of spring.” Great. Thanks. Is that going to be on the test? Nobody knew where the third arm came from, and asking about it only produced another riddle. Still, she made science memorable, and that’s what matters. Someday future generations will enter sixth grade and discover the same wonderful combination of friendship, embarrassment, science projects and teachers who may or may not be supernatural entities. Hopefully they’ll avoid the underwater convenience-store incident. Otherwise, sixth grade is pretty fun.

    #9 Seventh Grade

    Seventh grade was awesome, or at least better than sixth grade. I got straight A’s except for ONE B, which was BULLSHIT because I swear I turned that assignment in on time and my English teacher called me a liar. Decades could pass, civilizations could rise and fall, and I will still maintain that Mrs. Whatever-Her-Name-Was owes me an A. Otherwise, I liked my teachers and the school was beautiful. Unfortunately, many of my friends from sixth grade still hated me because of what my mermaid mother did at the underwater convenience store. Several of the 25 dolphins involved were apparently their pets, making parent-teacher conferences extremely uncomfortable. Somehow my mother’s case was dismissed, and one afternoon she got drunk, wandered into the school and vomited everywhere. I was bullied quite a bit after that. But none of this bothered me as much as that fucking B in English.

    The best part of seventh grade was that I believed I had my first girlfriend. Looking back, I may have fundamentally misunderstood the situation. She was clearly an adult woman, had numerous tattoos, smoked unfiltered cigarettes and spoke only Russian. Whenever we met, she demanded money from me, and when I said “I love you,” she laughed. At thirteen I interpreted all of these signals as evidence of a passionate international romance. In retrospect, I’m not entirely certain she knew we were dating. Eventually she went to jail for reasons nobody explained to me, and I think we broke up after that. She never officially said anything, but the prison made scheduling dates difficult. Seventh grade taught me about academics, relationships and forgiveness. Except for my English teacher. I turned that assignment in on time.

    #8 Ninth Grade

    Ninth grade was my favorite. I don’t know why. A lot was happening in everyone’s personal lives, which apparently caused many people to hate me, but overall I remember it fondly. We even had a school trip where students were allowed to go skydiving, an activity that should probably never appear on a permission slip for fourteen-year-olds. Unfortunately, the supervising teacher had been drinking and the entire excursion became a disaster. Students landed in trees, fields and places that were definitely not designated landing zones. Several ended up in a special recovery class afterward, but they succeed. The teacher was arrested and eventually went to the same prison as my mermaid mother, which must have made for an awkward reunion. “What are you in for?” “Skydiving incident.” “Twenty-five dolphins.” “Jesus Christ.”

    It bothers me when people say ninth grade is the worst because plenty of people have good and happy times in ninth grade. Apart from the skydiving catastrophe, mine was pretty good. But the absolute best thing about ninth grade was that the school was at a different elevation, so there was lower air pressure. Other students remember freshman year because they made new friends, attended dances or discovered new interests. I remember barometric conditions. Every morning I’d arrive, inhale that beautifully reduced atmospheric pressure and think, This is education. Unfortunately, the skydiving incident also left me permanently afraid of airplanes, which somewhat undermined my appreciation for altitude. Still: good teachers, new experiences, lower air pressure. 9th grade was pretty good. I don’t know why.

    #7 Third Grade

    Third grade was probably the best. My teacher was the best part because he was 158 years old and had personally experienced approximately every historical event we’d ever studied. Most days he entertained us with stories about World War I, which he always called “The Great War.” I assumed this meant it had been great times for everyone, although his stories suggested otherwise. He’d begin a lesson about multiplication and somehow end up saying, “Dear God, we suffered. There was never enough water. I watched three friends die of thirst in that POW camp. The others never came home.” Then he’d stare silently through the classroom window for several minutes while twenty-eight third-graders waited for him to explain long division. Eventually he’d describe some impossible escape involving hiding among bodies and digging his way to freedom. But guess what? He lived to teach us third grade. Inspirational.

    Nowadays teachers apparently aren’t allowed to tell such fun and interesting stories, and they certainly don’t keep a rusty 1917 German Luger sitting inside a glass display case beside the pencil sharpener. He claimed it was an artifact from the war and insisted its mere presence “maintained order,” although nobody was entirely sure whether he was joking. Third grade was still a good year, even though I only had one friend, and I’m pretty sure he might have been imaginary. His name changed occasionally, nobody else remembered seeing him, and teachers kept asking why I was talking to an empty chair during lunch. But he was always there when I needed him, which is more than I can say for most people. A 158-year-old war veteran, an imaginary best friend and multiplication tables. Third grade was good.

    #6 First Grade

    First grade was the worst grade ever! Our teacher was unbelievably stingy. She wouldn’t even allow my wet nurse to attend school with me, meaning I had to somehow survive the entire school day without breastfeeding. I considered this a serious violation of my rights. Even worse, our teacher constantly shouted “CHILDREN ARE WORKERS!” At least that’s how I remember it. She probably actually said, “Children, let’s get to work,” but memory has transformed her into a nineteenth-century factory owner. We spent an enormous amount of time doing sewing and craft projects, and eventually I became convinced that we were secretly manufacturing Nike clothing. Every morning twenty terrified first-graders sat down at little sewing stations while our teacher inspected production. If your stitches weren’t straight, she’d sigh disappointedly and tell you to try again. The sweatshop had standards.

    Our schedule was incredibly strict, bathroom accidents happened frequently, and the classroom consequently always smelled a little like pee. It was the worst year of my life. Fortunately, I transferred to another school before second grade because my family needed to move closer to my mother’s new ocean. Mermaid housing is apparently extremely dependent on ocean zoning. Leaving that school was the best thing that could have happened to me: no more sewing quotas, no more suspicious athletic apparel and no more teacher shouting about the dignity of labor. I could finally pursue a normal elementary education, at least until my mother eventually committed the underwater convenience-store incident several years later. But that’s the future. At the time, all I knew was that first grade was terrible. Naturally, it ranks #6.

    #5 Twelfth Grade

    I feel like twelfth grade could probably be awesome, mostly because of graduation. You get to make all kinds of final memories with your friends before you never see them again. There’s also apparently a thing called “prom,” although I’m still not entirely sure what that’s about. From what I understand, everyone dresses like they’re attending an awards ceremony, takes hundreds of photographs and then stands inside a decorated gymnasium while music plays. Afterward you have several choices: graduate, don’t graduate, maybe go to college, possibly get a job. I wouldn’t know. I never went to twelfth grade. So I cannot personally confirm whether any of these traditions actually exist. Everything I know about senior year comes from movies and people who successfully completed high school.

    My educational career changed during eleventh grade when I watched Risky Business with my best friend Kylo the Goat and completely misunderstood the lesson of the movie. I decided that turning my parents’ house into some kind of elaborate Risky Business-themed entrepreneurial party would be an excellent idea. I made a big mistake. The plan collapsed almost immediately, adults became involved, and afterward I stopped attending school. So no, I did not do the twelfth grade. I eventually earned my GED a few years later, which means everything worked out educationally even without experiencing prom or whatever else happens during senior year. Still, from what I’ve heard, twelfth grade is a joke. That’s enough evidence for me to confidently rank an experience I never had at #5.

    #4 Eighth Grade

    Eighth grade terrified me, but it was also the year I got to start over. After everything involving my mother—the underwater convenience store, the dolphins and several additional incidents my father refused to discuss—Dad decided it would be healthier if I changed schools. So I entered eighth grade as the mysterious new student, and somehow everybody loved me. I made a huge group of friends and became convinced that I had many girlfriends, although looking back, most of these girls probably thought we were simply sitting together at lunch. I didn’t understand relationships very well. If a girl borrowed my pencil, I assumed things were getting serious. If she returned it sharpened, we were practically engaged. Several of my alleged girlfriends eventually began dating other people, which I interpreted as complicated breakups despite nobody remembering that we’d been together.

    Eighth grade gave me enough challenges to grow while still being considerably more fun than high school. My friends and I had good times, graduation was exciting, and for once my mother’s behavior didn’t completely destroy my social life. She did have another major incident, this time at a senior citizens’ center where she apparently became enraged during bingo and caused thousands of dollars in property damage. Fortunately, none of my classmates were particularly upset because their grandparents mostly went to a different senior center. That’s how middle-school loyalty works. By graduation I’d survived a new school, several imaginary romantic relationships and another Mermaid Mom criminal investigation. It was the best time of my life. Graduation was pretty fun.

    #3 Fourth Grade

    For some reason I still don’t understand, my parents sent me to a military school in Bulgaria for fourth grade. They said it was “so I could have fun.” I spoke absolutely no Bulgarian, so I had no idea what anyone was saying, made almost no friends and learned absolutely nothing at all. Every morning my teacher would stand in front of the class shouting instructions while I nodded respectfully and copied whatever the student beside me was doing. I couldn’t tell whether my teacher was good or bad. I thought he might have been a war criminal, but he could also have been a good person. I don’t know. Maybe he was simply an unusually intense elementary-school teacher. Without understanding the language, “Please open your mathematics workbook” and “I have committed atrocities forbidden by international law” sounded equally plausible to me.

    The most annoying part was that my parents arranged for me to attend a school in Bulgaria but somehow failed to arrange where I was supposed to live. There had apparently been a misunderstanding involving a boarding program that did not actually exist. For several days I kept showing up at an ancient church after school because everyone assumed someone else was responsible for me. Eventually the church staff realized what had happened and unofficially took care of me while the adults sorted everything out. I also wore the same military-school uniform so constantly that I don’t remember changing clothes; by spring I suspect the uniform had become biologically attached to me. Still, I came through. I survived Bulgaria, learned virtually nothing, and returned home feeling better. Naturally, this makes fourth grade #3.

    #2 Fifth Grade

    The fifth grade was the best because I had perfect grades, great friends and amazing teachers. I was finally back in a country where I knew the language so I was able to talk to people and listen to teachers. Also I had a home again and food every day. One of the most awesome, cool and amazing things about 5th grade is that you are now old enough to legally drink alcohol. The law is that if your GPA falls to D or lower you are never allowed to drink alcohol anymore for the rest of your life. You will have an unfortunate life as you live and die sober. But if you do good you will have the opportunity to drink all you want for like an hour every day. At my school we called it “happy hour” and it replaced lunch. There was no more food for that lunch time, just a wide variety of craft beets. Nobody drinks boring domestic beers, and everyone has a chocolate bar. When I signed up for the “happy hour”, it was September. Three months later it was December. The beers just kept getting better and better. Then they gave us shots of vodka all the time in “happy hour.” I picked it up and loved it, but some of the other children didn’t like it as much. Fifth grade was so much fun.

    #1 Kindergarten

    In kindergarten, you will use sleep and play with toys. There are no serious tests, almost no homework and very few expectations beyond learning your letters and not eating the paste. It’s basically the perfect educational system. This is completely unlike fourth grade, one of the worst years of my life, which I know isn’t the grade we’re currently discussing but apparently I still need to process Bulgaria. I was confused. I was hungry. I was the weird, stinky kid who couldn’t speak Bulgarian. I was attacked by wolves one night while sleeping next to the church. Nobody mentioned wolves when my parents described Bulgarian military school as something I would do “for fun.” I still don’t know why my parents did that to me. Anyway: kindergarten!

    Kindergarten was so much better because there is for making friends easily. The teacher basically forces everyone to interact until eventually you have friends, and little kids haven’t yet developed the complicated social machinery required to properly ostracize one another. They’ll play blocks with almost anybody. You could accidentally terrify another kid’s cat one afternoon and the next morning they’d still ask you to join them at the Lego table. That’s beautiful. Kindergarten is the best time to be young, and the best time to be young is when you are under seven years old. You get naps. You get toys. You get snacks. Nobody sends you to Bulgaria. There are generally no wolves. I will continue to love kindergarten until death.