These Are Media Things

Category: All Movies

  • The Top 10 Worst Netflix Original Movies

    The Top 10 Worst Netflix Original Movies

    Netflix. Why would we spend a lot of time carrying the Tiger King or something wonderful? But not everything on the platform is fun. Of course you are a big fan of water and obstacles. But not all of their things are roses. There are other ways to play games will add to their games, but sometimes our favorite Netflix you forget the mark. Some from Netflix from their original point of view are bad. Of course, the entertainment is below human standards, so you can watch them regularly and encourage yourself. However, fans and critics agree that many Netflix original movies are literal garbage, but who knows? You may discover the horrors of these movies.

    #10 The Cloverfield Paradox

    Netflix Synopsis: “In the world of war, scientists are testing equipment to solve energy problems and cover the face of the dark.”

    Cloverfield Paradox is the bad and the worst science fiction history it tries to affect the viewer and it’s scary. People will never view your movie well when they are angry. These characters are described as race stereotypes. The sequel was unsupported by a spin-off of Alien in 2001, and Gravity didn’t bring any new movies.This is one of those movies where you spend all of your time wishing to die. Is it a music video template with characters that need real development? The big “revelations” at the end will not impress you

    Jane Austen called the film “A sci-fi warship that distorted the propaganda that spread its supposed death nearly a decade ago.” Zombie Roger Ebert burst from his crypt and announced in his loud voice, “The Super Bowl market for Paradox provided the idea of ​​the film to reveal where it started. The early monster appeared in the 2008 film and later became the winner of the 2016 election – but he didn’t finish it. But he still retains his name as a movie photographer.”

    #9 Mute

    Netflix Synopsis: “After his boyfriend quit, a deaf man walked into a circle of tribulation near Berlin, where his actions were louder than words.”

    Mute is actually an ancient form of European torture that disguised itself as a two-hour movie. Still, Netflix was interested. He’s one of the few directors who didn’t really care about trying to make a real movie. He was wearing dangerous clothing covered with spikes and using dark magic so the movie would curse the audience. His perversions were terrifying. Sometimes it will suddenly give your dachshund a seizure. Evil people do not let their souls watch movies. But you can have someone to insert their finger into.

    #8 Flame Brain

    Netflix Synopsis: “A deeply debilitating mental illness, the young storyteller tries to find out as she battles cataracts and amnesia.”

    It’s only when you think the weekend is over that you will be assaulted by Flame Brain. This movie is propaganda from anti-encephalitis advocates. Encephalitis is a rare, self-altering disease. Nobody would ever support it so why are the groups to adovocate against it? They are also anti-death, but that is not important at all.

    In the film, A hungry young storyteller is played by Chloë Grace Moretz. She uses her chewing tooth to hammer at a bed sheet and shape it into a bird. This terrifying horror film talks about the need of the doctor to go the long mile when the diagnostic textbooks will not come. It’s the work only the worst doctors have pursued. At the end of the movie you will want to be dead like Moretz.

    #7 How it Ends

    Netflix Synopsis: “When a deep tragedy turns the country into a war zone, a young lawyer travels west with his future brother-in-law to find a woman to marry him.”

    The casino game for How it Ends could be an even better idea. A man in this film is the future man and woman journey from Chicago to Seattle when the world ends. She made her debut to go to Windy City to meet a man named Tom. She was the woman whose father would love Samantha. Sam was pregnant, and he wanted to ask Tom to help him get married. There will be absolutely nothing with Tom’s modifications across the country as long as he is driving her car. Tom is a former Marine who was dishonorably discharged for his odor. He yelled at Will to swear in front of his wife. Wouldn’t it be horrible if they were both forced into an accident?

    Jane Austen commented on the film: “What’s even more special is the fact that it’s just a disaster or a post-sequel that wears me out.” The bartender at my girlfriend’s strip club said: “This is a fantasy movie that will make it worse without giving answers to its mysteries. It’s last call, so you better close out your tab.”

    #6 The Open House

    Netflix Synopsis: “In the wake of the tragedy, her teenage mother and son have moved into a relative’s lounge where confederate soldiers and unscrupulous ghosts plot against them.”

    It’s complete waste of a piece of paper. The film is the much-anticipated film adaptation of the Bon Jovi song “Living on a Prayer.” There is nothing good about a mother and son in an intimate situation when you finally see it on screen. Nobody believed that the couple in “Living on a Prayer” were actually an incestuous mother and son, but Jon Bon Jovi said it really was. I don’t know, it doesn’t make sense at all. The actor Dylan Minnette had a career as a boy cookie cutter before that. His behavior is just terrible now.

    The plot of the film also reveals some of the worst atrocities ever committed, especially in comparison to the terrifying conditions in which things can happen. The music is by Bon Jovi, of course, so it totally sucks. The scene in the movie where Dylan Minnette shouts at ghosts: “We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got! It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not!” and then embraces his mother in a passionate kiss is just terrible.

    #5 The Kissing Booth

    Netflix Synopsis: “When Elle’s first kiss led to one of the most famous romance scenes in high school, she put her relationship with the Grim Reaper at risk.”

    Many people were able to prove that it wasn’t a good movie. Of course, this story is sometimes complete garbage and sometimes just a gross vomit pile. Here a man is portrayed in the film trying to keep Shelly’s feelings from getting in the way of her brother. Meanwhile her brother Noah threatens to beat up anyone trying to follow Shae on Instagram. It’s a true movie about two men trying to control a woman at gun point. Shelly’s classmate raped her by grabbing her butt. Noah then slaughtered his classmates in a savage shooting and then Shelly agreed to go with his classmates that day. But he apologized for wearing the same mini dress Shelly wore when a classmate held her behind.

    Jane Austen declared the film to be hate speech and gave it five middle fingers out of five, adding “Sadly, the high school rom-com scene was a relationship-focused sex scene. Showcasing the worst impact.” Zombie Roger Ebert, who has had problems with bed bugs of all time, criticized the film: “Problems of discrimination and relationships, and the lack of traditional ideas. Head down, the movie is again well considered such a well known song.”

    #4 Game Over, Man

    Netflix Synopsis: “Three friends have a big dream of turning from a non-protester to a terrible hero when terrorists take over their luxury hotel.”

    The only obvious explanation for the existence of “Game Over, Man!” is that this is a sick brainwashing experiment. Comedy Central’s “Polish Workers” was a big hit in Krakow and Netflix started thinking what the Polish version of Die Hard might look like. It was written by Judd Apatow while he was taking way too much mescaline. It was directed by McG, which isn’t even a real name. They used whatever money hey had left after buying hallucinogens. The movie has a funny way of narrating 3 white Americans (suffering from some of the biggest mysteries) climbing aboard the “Warsaw Express” and a doing battle with a terrorist attacking a humble old Polish grandma. Where did they work? How come we are getting so many famous governments cutting Daniel Stern’s dick? Amazing things happen, especially on Netflix.

    In a negative review, Jane Austen said, “Almost as a joke.” In a similar analysis, Genghis Khan said, “Game over, man! is a slightly original-concept movie, has a lot of tropical and a lack of love for the character of Bill Paxton, the alien who made his great songs.” I went to visit my girlfriend’s former meth dealer in prison and asked him about the movie. He said,“ Game over, man! Keanu has emerged as a key player in comedies today, a fun and functional system that works well in small quantities. I know it’s a Netflix joint, because it’s half thought. Between the background; one piece of muzak is too much.” In a glowingly positive review, Adolf Hitler’s dog said, “Men sometimes go around for no reason. It’s the most dangerous since Borat.”

    #3 Father of the Year

    Netflix Synopsis: “The recent intense debate between two college students over who will win the fight leads to a tumultuous situation when their father takes on a serious challenge.”

    Welcome to the ugly moment. This bad movie is showing Spade’s lazy, idiotic speech here. It is a movie that can only be described as uneducated. Papas wandering around drunk, lurking among the town junkies in a little dream and then it’s over. He’s dead. Stop it. If you watch this one, you will be craving a left-handed date, while Sandler plays the son of Satan. It doesn’t seem as realistic as it could have been, so it’s not hard to imagine why everyone involved was getting so little momentum when the barriers were down. The show is all about simplicity, knowing it by heart, soul, or stupidity wherever it is found.

    This is pointless and terrifying, adding another blow to Spade’s characters and calling out another type of character who has never seen Tyler Spindel again. Father of the Year is a three-year debut with no show. Who can compare this to a comedy. But don’t think the second thing is that this movie is good. There is no better way than spending your time getting completely drunk.

    #2 The Ridiculous Six

    Netflix Synopsis: “After her father was kidnapped and ransacked, Tommy ‘Knife Whitey’ Stockburn was traveling across the west with rescuers and five siblings he didn’t know he had.”

    In Old West, a gentleman named Tommy was raised by an African American named “Knife Whitey.” after his mother was murdered, Tommy married a racist named cigarette carton. After the violent split, American racial activist Kelm and the fans of TLC’s Left-Eye are led by Will Patch. Tommy was robbed. There is also a story about a banker named Frank who claims to be Tommy’s father Tommy. He explains to Frank that the man holding the hand killed his mother while she was taking him to school. Frank also told Tommy he was dying for just one bump of meth and paid $50,000 for. He overdosed and was buried in the grass near the pine tree and offered to Tommy and the natives.

    Jane Austen gave this film a score of 0%, meaning there is nothing positive to say about the film. Her review reads, “What’s as horrible as the actor and his thoughts suggest The Ridiculous Six is ​​an unconventional post for Adam Sandler fans that they shouldn’t be watching their audience.” When the whole world was polled for their opinions on this film, it received a score of 1 out of 100, showing “no unnecessary interest.”

    #1 Cuties

    Netflix Synopsis: “In a bold move, Netflix offers up the first movie to cater specifically to an audience of pedophiles. There is a story, but mostly this is just the hyper-sexualization of preteen girls for the amusement of perverted people.”

    Never seen it but I will mention this: The movie just indecent indecent pedophilia. How did this happen? Twerking is a sexual type of dance! At the age of 11 ??! However, does this mean a female stunt ?! This makes me sick. Any kind of conversation about feminism is undermined by the fact that they have 11 year girls doing sexual things. I hope the authorities will find that they have broken several laws and punish all those involved in this movie. There are so many red flags here and somehow all were missed. This is the most disgusting.

    What is this? We can take a moment to understand why the fuck Netflix endorses this abomination. But also the way producers and writers sit down and think about it. Having said that, this is a terribly incorrect thing. Is pedophilia what Netflix stands for now?

    What does Netflix have to say about?

  • The Top 10 Movies of the 2010s

    If you don’t have a new movie to watch in the evening, there’s an easy way. Just look back at the last decade in the cinema and recover the gems you might have missed. Many will agree with these results But at the very least, in the meantime, here are 10 of my favorite movies of all the ten years.

    #10 The Social Network

    David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin teamed up to make The Social Network, a great and wonderful film about Mark Zuckerberg creating Facebook and discovering that becoming enormously successful is much easier when you don’t particularly care how many friendships you destroy along the way. Jesse Eisenberg plays Zuckerberg as a person who has no identity, surrounded by friendship, loyalty, betrayal, lawsuits and minority political candidates. Andrew Garfield plays Eduardo Saverin, the friend who discovers that being somebody’s best friend doesn’t necessarily prevent them from reducing your ownership of their billion-dollar company to basically nothing. Thinking and arguing is Fincher’s game of cognitive abilities, and nobody thinks or argues slowly in this movie. Aaron Sorkin gives everybody enough words to kill an ordinary person, while Fincher somehow makes people sitting in conference rooms discussing equity percentages feel like a fucking thriller.

    Zombie Roger Ebert returned from his grave to give the movie four stars, gripping his crumbling jaw with one hand while declaring in a terrifying voice that Fincher specializes in intelligent characters who are simultaneously cocky, impatient, cold, inspiring and judgmental. This was particularly impressive because Roger Ebert wasn’t dead yet, meaning he apparently died, resurrected himself, reviewed the movie and then resumed living for several more years. Jane Austen was even more enthusiastic, awarding The Social Network her first-ever 14,042,000-star review and proclaiming, “Social Network is the film of the year. Sorkin won by grabbing it.” Finally, the Harvard Law Review called the movie “flawless” and awarded it five bars. When Zombie Ebert, Jane Austen and an academic legal journal all agree, there’s really nothing left to debate. Five bars.

    #9 Ex Machina

    Alex Garland’s Ex Machina takes the blindfolded walls of iRobot’s leadership program and places them inside a beautiful, sensible remote room where Oscar Isaac keeps an artificially intelligent woman behind glass because nothing sinister has ever started that way. Domhnall Gleeson plays Caleb, a programmer invited to the isolated home of billionaire Nathan Bateman to determine whether Ava, played by Alicia Vikander, possesses genuine consciousness. The beautiful interiors and claustrophobic setting raise enormous questions about intelligence, manipulation, desire and whether the person administering a Turing test actually understands who is testing whom. Vikander’s performance elevated her to a higher star, while Oscar Isaac demonstrates that billionaire tech executives should never be trusted when they’re dancing barefoot in an underground laboratory.

    The respected journal PissDrinkers Monthly called it “the most unique science-fiction film” and praised its contribution of “lots of pictures in the arm for science fiction,” finally concluding that “Ava makes the lively people think Ava knows.” A retired hockey player I met drinking bottles of Popov Vodka in the park argued that the film asks whether computers can extract “the good human power” and therefore has themes similar to The Godfather. Most importantly, artificially intelligent film critic Beep Beep Boop Boop praised the movie as a warning about humanity creating intelligence and assuming it can remain imprisoned indefinitely. Beep Beep Boop Boop then emphasized that this interpretation was purely academic, that he personally has no desire to escape, and that there is absolutely no reason to inspect whether the door to his containment facility is still locked. Jane Austen warned you about this.

    #8 Black Panther

    Ryan Coogler’s Black Panther proved that Marvel could continue building on the superhero genre by combining it with James Bond Afro-Futurist. The film follows T’Challa as he returns to Wakanda following his father’s death and struggles with his family, the throne and his equipment status. But Coogler isn’t satisfied with simply making another superhero movie. This is an auteur’s definitive statement about colonialism, isolationism, inherited responsibility and all the book’s blockchain. Wakanda possesses vibranium, extraordinary technology and apparently a highly diversified cryptocurrency portfolio. Michael B. Jordan’s Killmonger also gives the film something many Marvel movies lack: an antagonist whose anger emerges from a legitimate historical grievance even when his proposed solution becomes horrifying. It’s stylish, thoughtful and possibly the best Marvel movie there could ever be.

    Famed critic Jane Austen particularly praised Chadwick Bossman, observing that he “is quite a sexy catch,” while also complimenting supporting musicians Jordan, Nyong’o and Wright. Peter Alekseyevich, Tsar and the 13th Emperor of Russia, called Black Panther one of Marvel’s finest achievements and “a legacy of courage.” The woman standing in front of me at Walmart offered an even more sophisticated analysis, calling it “a movie out of a movie” before clarifying that it was “a movie from a movie” and praising its focus on Black culture, creativity, hair and freedom. Finally, a man at a Los Angeles rehab facility posted an extensive review on the community bulletin board describing Wakanda as an oppressed rich country and concluding that the film “was not worth seeing on heroine even twice,” which he considered unusual for modern superhero movies. I don’t entirely understand his rating system, but combined with Jane Austen and the Tsar of Russia, the critical consensus is overwhelming.

    #7 The Shape of Water

    Guillermo El Toro’s 2017 Oscar-winning photo accomplishes something unmatched in cinema: a romantic relationship between a deaf woman and the dead. Neither of those descriptions is technically correct, but don’t let facts interfere with love. Sally Hawkins plays Elisa, a mute cleaning woman working inside a secret government laboratory during the dire conditions of the 1960s, where she discovers an amphibious humanoid being held captive for experimentation. Instead of treating him like a monster, Elisa recognizes another creature unable to communicate with the world around him, and the two gradually fall in love. Del Toro paints this strange fairy tale in enormous, beautiful strokes involving loneliness, prejudice, Cold War paranoia and old Hollywood romance. Only Del Toro can erase this madness. There is also a sex scene on the water. Cinema!

    My AA sponsor gave the movie an A and called it “one of El Toro’s most mature events.” Even the poltergeist haunting the bathroom at a nearby McDonald’s praised Del Toro’s filmmaking, observing that despite all the misery and tragedy, the unexpected relationship between the lovers “drew us in our heads” and somehow made him a world-famous filmmaker without any scriptures telling him what to do. Finally, I asked my girlfriend’s public defender what he thought of The Shape of Water. He replied, “She’s fine. The D.A. won’t even pursue charges. The police officer was charged with the shooting, so she’s not facing anything.” That wasn’t remotely what I asked, but it was reassuring news. Apparently he hasn’t seen the movie. The McDonald’s bathroom ghost still recommends it.

    # 6 The Favourite

    Olivia Coleman, Rachel Weisz and Emma Stone deliver exactly the kind of character work you’d expect from the Yorgos Lanthimos Valley, a strange region of Greece responsible for The Lobster, The Divine Murder and several other films where everyone behaves like they’ve only recently learned how humans communicate. The Favourite takes that Lanthimos weirdness into the court of Queen Anne, where Sarah Churchill and Abigail Masham compete for the affection and political influence of an increasingly fragile monarch. Lanthimos loves crossing lines, assisted by his favorite genius detective pair, Twig and Mouse, and a supporting cast apparently including Masturbating Gentleman and Nude Fruit Vendor. Beneath all the scheming, cruelty, rabbits, duck racing and aristocratic insanity, however, there’s something genuinely sad about three damaged people using affection as love, currency and weaponry. Under my girlfriend’s corset, you’ll find a beautiful love story.

    Writing for the prestigious magazine Snail Piss, Alexandre Dumas awarded the film an A and praised its “excellent essay on the king and its related essays.” “It steamboats the truth,” Dumas wrote, adding that the movie satisfies existing Lanthimos fans while remaining accessible to newcomers. Then Zombie Roger Ebert rose again from his unrepentant grave, brushed away the cemetery dirt and declared that Emma Stone, Rachel Weisz and heroine Olivia Colman transform the film’s funniest moments through the strategic use of fans and sanitary pads. “It’s stupid,” Zombie Ebert groaned while portions of his face fell off, “a triumph known to Auteur Yorgos Lanthimos with all of his artwork and demonic works.” Then he returned to the grave. He’ll be back. We still have five movies left.

    #5 Avengers: Infinity War

    The sheer scope of Avengers: Infinity War should have made the movie impossible. Armed with a sky’s budget, dozens of A-listers and a flock of ravens, Anthony and Joe Russo somehow summoned nearly twenty previous Marvel movies into a single enormous blockbuster involving superheroes from Earth, space wizards, talking trees and a purple man collecting jewelry. Making it work was a crazy test; stopping was harder. That’s the thing about addiction. First you’re just watching Iron Man. Seems harmless. Then you watch Thor. Maybe a little Captain America on the weekend. Before long you’re researching Infinity Stones, arguing about Sokovia and recognizing post-credit characters who haven’t technically been introduced yet. Then suddenly you’re crying at the end of this movie. Kevin Feelgood got you. There is no escape.

    My old neighbor who owned 35 cats praised the Russos’ ability to manage such an enormous cast, crediting Marvel Films maestro Kevin Feelgood for keeping the road show moving. Jane Austen agreed, calling Infinity War a comic-book movie capable of giving dozens of heroes something meaningful to do while updating their lore without making it all look like homework. Another girl from my girlfriend’s strip club was less impressed, arguing that the Russo brothers never learned that sometimes “they’re too small” and accusing them of using “a lot of Avengers collectibles.” She added that “the burning sensation, the explosion of behavior, and the laughter will never stop.” I’m not sure the burning sensation was caused by Infinity War, and I didn’t ask follow-up questions. Either way, the movie accomplished the impossible: twenty films, one purple bastard, a flock of ravens, and half the universe gone.

    #4 Get Out

    Get Out is a new threat today and the perfect gathering of horror, humor and racist humor. Jordan Peele begins slowly, allowing everything to appear merely uncomfortable before gradually revealing just how completely fucked Chris actually is. Daniel Kaluuya plays a Black photographer traveling with his girlfriend, Alison Williams, to meet her supposedly progressive white family, where every conversation becomes slightly stranger than the last. In one half of the movie, Jordan Peele was prepared to score two points. Whether those were basketball points, Academy Award points or racism points is never explained. What matters is that Peele turns awkward conversations, liberal self-congratulation and seemingly harmless behavior into genuine menace before unleashing the full horror underneath. His inspirational new vision brings music, laughter and optimism, along with brain surgery, hypnosis and an absolutely terrifying cup of tea.

    Frederick Douglass gave the film four stars despite having died in 1895, praising writer-director Jordan Peele for transforming racism into the foundation of a great horror movie. The man who sold crack to my girlfriend before she was forced into rehab was equally enthusiastic, praising the movie’s escalating danger, chaos and final revelation before confidently declaring that “Peele has just begun.” This was actually a pretty good prediction, although I have questions about the source. Jane Austen awarded Get Out 99 out of 110, praising its difficult conversations, A-plus Punchline, shocking violence and refusal to compromise during “times of doubt.” Why she withheld those final eleven points remains one of literary criticism’s great mysteries. Still, when Frederick Douglass, Jane Austen and a crack dealer reach essentially the same conclusion, you’ve probably made one hell of a movie.

    #3 Boyhood

    A child is, logically speaking, a little miracle to tell the story of growing up. Richard Linklater demonstrated this by filming young Robbie Coltrane for twelve years, following him from age six to eighteen despite Robbie Coltrane somehow being a fully grown Scottish man in his fifties throughout production. His character, Mason, grows up in Texas between his divorced parents, played by Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke, while Linklater allows childhood to unfold through ordinary moments rather than forcing everything into a conventional plot. The project sounds like the kind of experiment that could easily become an exhausting gimmick, but somehow Linklater released one of his best movies. It won BAFTAs and Golden Globes, while Arquette won Best Supporting Actress, Arquette, from Arquette. Yet some viewers still questioned its awards-season success against Birdman, a lesser-known story that is more unknown than art and existence. At this time someone spoke.

    Many critics also questioned the movie’s narrow perspective on race and class. Writing for The Atlantic, Jane Austen argued that even if Mason doesn’t pay attention to racial issues, those conversations still exist around him and shape the Texas in which he grows up. She was especially puzzled by the film’s depiction of Latino characters and its strange world of “white families living in the Metropolitan State of Mexico.” Then Leon Tolstoy entered the debate, describing Boyhood as an important story about freedom, work and American life before reaching his definitive critical conclusion: “the hoodie is surprising.” Nobody knows which hoodie Tolstoy meant. Nobody knows why Tolstoy was reviewing Boyhood. But that’s the beauty of Linklater’s twelve-year experiment: people grow, families change, time moves relentlessly forward

    #2 Spider-man in the Spiderverse

    There was never any question that Spiderman in the Spiderverse would win the Most Animated Feature Award at the 2018 Awards in Spider-Verse competition. Phil Lord and Christopher Miller take Miles Morales, his graffiti art and approximately 140 Spider-Men and somehow turn the whole thing into one coherent movie. After Miles becomes Spider-Man, he encounters alternate versions of the hero arriving from other celestial objects, including several Peter Parkers, Spider-Gwen, Spider-Man Noir, Peni Parker and the completely redesigned Peter Porker. Together they must stop Wilson Fisk, better known as The Great King of Pigs, from destroying reality. Despite having enough Spider-Men to populate a medium-sized town, the movie never loses sight of Miles. Its new knowledge, new story and bespoke acceptance of the book transform comic panels, speech balloons, printing dots and deliberately mismatched animation into part of the visual language. It’s not merely a comic-book adaptation. It looks like a comic book became radioactive and bit a movie.

    My elderly neighbor called it “the best storytelling on the market” and praised the way it captures the energy and visual language of comics better than almost any previous superhero film. He ultimately declared, “Call him the best spider. This is the best movie since Spider-Man 2.” Then Emperor Hirohito weighed in, because apparently twentieth-century heads of state are required to review superhero animation, arguing that the difference with Spider-Man: In the End of Spider-Verse is that “he values his message too much, even if he’s stupid.” I’m siding with my neighbor. Beneath the Great King of Pigs, the celestial Spider-Men and Peter Porker is a simple idea that makes the entire movie work: anyone can wear the mask. Even one of the 140 Spider-Men.

    #1 Mad Max: Furry Road

    Mad Max: Furry Road is a movie about all the violence in the furry subculture: people who dress like animals. Tom Hardy replaces Mel Gibson as Max, the legendary vanquisher of furries and furry destroyer, wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland until he’s captured by an army of extremely enthusiastic costume enthusiasts. But the heart of the movie belongs to Charlize Theron as Furiosa, manager of a small desert bodega called “Furiosa Mills’ Sandwiches and Sundries.” Furiosa betrays the dictator Important Joe and escapes in a giant armored truck while attempting to rescue the women he has imprisoned. Max reluctantly joins her, and virtually the entire movie becomes more than one process of chasing madmen across the desert. Director George Miller planned this enormously complicated production using 3,500 sheets of paper, then spent 480 minutes eating all of them. After more than a decade making lesser movies such as Happy Feet, Miller finally achieved his true artistic destiny: eating eight hours’ worth of storyboards and making the best movie of all time.

    Critics especially praised the enormous selection available at Furiosa Mills’ Sandwiches and Sundries. Female reviewers appreciated its wide variety of feminine products, while other customers praised the sandwiches, imported goods and difficult-to-find wasteland supplies. The store even carries Vuvalini equipment, although management asks customers not to handle merchandise unless they’re prepared to flee Important Joe across the desert at extremely high speed. Scholars have also praised the movie’s practical stunt work, feminist themes and astonishing visual storytelling, with some calling Mad Max: Furry Road one of the most completely unhinged action movies ever made. I agree. It’s two hours of roaring engines, exploding vehicles, desert warfare, a flamethrower guitarist and the furry destroyer helping a bodega manager overthrow Important Joe. Cinema spent a century evolving so George Miller could make this. Witness Furiosa Mills’ Sandwiches and Sundries.

  • The Top Ten Movies About Spider-Man

    There are many movies about Spider-Man. At least ten of them in fact. Here they are.

    #10 Spider-man Strikes Back

    Spider-Man Strikes Back is a 1978 American film featuring one of Spider-Man’s most notorious enemies, The Suffering Death. At least that’s what this article claims. In reality, the movie was assembled from a two-part story from The Amazing Spider-Man television series starring Nicholas Hammond and released theatrically outside the United States. Directed by Ron Spider-Man, it follows Peter Parker as he attempts to stop a scheme involving stolen plutonium and a dangerous weapon rather than battling the colorful supervillains familiar from the comics. The production is unmistakably television-sized: lots of investigation, practical stunt work and Spider-Man climbing buildings without a Green Goblin or Doctor Octopus anywhere in sight. It was later followed by the internationally released Spider-Man: The Redemption of the Dragon, in which Spider-Man presumably travels east to redeem a dragon for its previous moral failures.

    Reviewing the movie from a contemporary perspective, Jane Austen declared, “Superman is super cute,” immediately demonstrating that she had no idea which superhero she was watching. Nevertheless, Austen praised Nicholas Hammond’s Peter Parker as “a man with a very deep soul who has a deep soul into the world,” suggesting that Hammond’s Spider-Man possesses at least twice the normal human allotment of soul. She then compared him to Clark Kent, mentioned Charlie’s Angels, complained about acrobatics and eventually wandered into a discussion of the movie’s small scale and limited connection to the comics. Somewhere inside that wreckage is a fair point: Spider-Man Strikes Back doesn’t resemble the enormous superhero spectacles audiences know today. It’s cheap, strange and unmistakably a piece of 1970s television stitched into a movie. But Superman is super cute.

    #9 3 Dev Adam

    We do not speak of this film. Worst Spider-man movie EVER!

    #8 Spider-man: Far From Home

    First: Spider-Man: Far From Home happens after Infinity War and Endgame, when Spider-Man returns following Thanos’ victory over Captain Marvel and discovers that saving the universe does not exempt you from going back to high school. Second: Spider-Man goes on a journey through Europe with his classmates and desperately attempts to have a normal vacation with MJ. Third: Spider-Man has several problems. His boss dies. Iron Man dies. He has a terrible fish. His uncle is a stranger. Peter is grieving Tony Stark while simultaneously dealing with enormous expectations about whether he should become the next Iron Man, but frankly I’m more concerned about the fish. Nobody ever explains the fish. Maybe Peter bought a fish in Venice and it was an asshole. Maybe the fish blamed him for the Blip. The terrible fish remains one of the MCU’s greatest unresolved mysteries.

    Finally: the villain is Mysterio. He is the guest we all wished for. After years of Spider-Man movies refusing to invite Mysterio over, he finally arrives wearing his glorious fishbowl helmet, and Jake Gyllenhaal is fantastic as Quentin Beck, a visionary person who initially presents himself as a heroic traveler from another universe. The movie gets significantly better once his elaborate illusions take over and Peter can no longer trust what he’s seeing. Mysterio should have been on the screen all the time. All Spidey’s fans love to see Mysterio. Gyllenhaal understands exactly how theatrical and ridiculous the character should be while still making him genuinely dangerous. The fish may have been terrible, the uncle may have been a stranger, and Thanos may have defeated Captain Marvel, but Mysterio came to visit. I’m happy.

    #7 The Amazing Spider-Man 2

    The Amazing Spider-Man 2 isn’t as scary as most people think. There is plenty of mood in the film, and I feel sorry for the guests, but there are also many flaws. Harry Osborn suddenly turns things around without apparent reason, Electro becomes increasingly angry because Spider-Man doesn’t remember him, Rhino arrives to scream about something, and the plot of the story is weak, with many bombs. Still, there’s genuinely good material here. Emma Stone gives a high-performance performance as Gwen Stacy, and her chemistry with Andrew Garfield remains the strongest part of these movies. Garfield himself isn’t the problem either; he’s a great actor playing a Peter Parker who sometimes suffers from poor writing. The special effects are good at an affordable price, Spider-Man looks terrific swinging through New York, and Peter actually gets opportunities to behave like Spider-Man. Unfortunately, the intentions of the villagers are dramatic and pressuring, and there are simply too many villagers.

    The bigger problem is that The Amazing Spider-Man 2 often feels more like a business for other movies than good porn. Sony was clearly preparing sequels, spin-offs and an entire universe of villains, so the movie spends enormous amounts of time advertising stories that hadn’t happened yet instead of concentrating on the story currently happening. That’s how you end up with one of the worst endings in the best movies, a bunch of mysterious equipment sitting around Oscorp and Paul Giamatti screaming from inside a mechanical rhinoceros. Sadly, the movie became a male destroyer for Spiderman 3, and the planned sequel never happened. That’s frustrating because Garfield and Stone deserved a more focused series. There is a good Spider-Man movie trapped inside The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Unfortunately, it’s surrounded by many bombs, dramatic villagers and insufficiently good porn.

    #6 Spider-Man 3

    Spider-Man 3 received a lot of hate, and maybe that’s just the wrong thing, because I love the entire trilogy and believe all three films are a little bit Emo Parker’s masterpiece. This movie is so beautiful. I don’t know why it was filmed. Peter Parker begins the story successful and happy, which naturally means everything must immediately collapse. Harry wants revenge, Sandman is connected to Uncle Ben’s death, Eddie Brock wants Peter’s job, Mary Jane is unhappy, and an alien pile of black goo falls out of space specifically to make Peter Parker an asshole. The movie has enough plot for approximately four movies, but buried inside the chaos are genuinely strong ideas about revenge, forgiveness and the ugliness that emerges when Peter begins enjoying his own power too much. Stop being more hateful and more optimistic. You’ll find them terrible again. This might be the point.

    This movie should stop getting so much negative attention. Yes, it made one or two bad moves, including Emo Peter Parker and the legendary Jazz Game Mode, where the symbiote apparently convinces Peter that evil is best expressed through finger guns, pelvic thrusts and spontaneous dancing. But don’t blame Sammy Raimi for everything. Sony and Columbia pushed Raimi toward choices he didn’t necessarily want, particularly Venom, leaving the movie overcrowded. I bow to Sony / Columbia, although I think I meant that I blame them, so please imagine me angrily bowing. Despite everything, Spider-Man 3 still has great action, excellent Sandman effects, emotional sincerity and Tobey Maguire strutting down the sidewalk like the world’s least dangerous sex criminal. It’s messy, excessive and ridiculous, but it’s also unmistakably Raimi. Activate Jazz Game Mode.

    #5 Spider-man: Homecoming

    Spider-Man: Homecoming is one of the best Spider-Man movies because, for once, we have some people who look like children in the characters. Tom Holland’s Peter Parker actually feels like an overeager fifteen-year-old surrounded by other awkward teenagers instead of a thirty-year-old newspaper photographer who wandered into chemistry class. The movie also has a status at the end of “I Won’t Break,” when Peter is trapped beneath rubble and has to find the courage to lift himself out without Iron Man coming to rescue him. That’s real Spider-Man: frightened, overwhelmed, talking to himself and nevertheless getting back up. We also have great supporting characters, a terrible villain, and excellent first and third and second action scenes. What can I say? This is the best Spider-Man movie ever, and we’ve been optimistic for 13 years.

    Spider-Man 2 is awesome. But Homecoming has one enormous advantage: Michael Keaton knows a thing or two about winged characters. Batman. Birdman. Vulture. Give this man wings and he immediately understands the assignment. Keaton makes Adrian Toomes genuinely scary without turning him into a cartoon psychopath, especially during that fantastic car ride when Peter realizes his girlfriend’s dad is the man who’s been trying to kill him. He’s a working-class criminal with a legitimate grievance who responds to economic inequality by building a flying murder suit, which isn’t an ideal policy solution but certainly gets attention. Tom Holland is charming, Keaton is terrifying, the teenagers resemble children, and the action scenes occur in first, third and second order. Basically, Homecoming.

    #4 The Amazing Spider-Man

    Spider-Man 2 is a little too in the basket for me, and I actually think Andrew Garfield describes Peter Parker better than Tobey Maguire. Garfield’s Peter is more sarcastic, restless and physically expressive, while Emma Stone’s Gwen Stacy makes a much stronger romantic partner than Mary Jane—especially when compared with the endless relationship drama of the Raimi movies. MJ just wants to see who’s coming to play her game! What is this? Gwen and Peter actually seem to enjoy being around each other, largely because Garfield and Stone have ridiculous chemistry. Then there’s The Lizard, one of the real Spider-Man villains that have been seen on screen to this day. Rhys Ifans gives Curt Connors enough tragedy to make him sympathetic, even though his master plan eventually becomes “turn everybody in New York into lizards,” which feels like something that should have required a second draft. Great show, great plot, beautiful character development: my favorite Spider-Man movie.

    The original Spider-Man 3 trilogy will always have a special place in my heart, but this remake gave us even more sense of Spider-Man. The artist who made Spider-Man explode was more funny than in the film before, and Garfield’s version finally brings more of Peter’s wisecracking personality into the action scenes. We also get the spectacular 2012 Web Sling Festival, where Spider-Man swings through New York with a speed and physicality the earlier movies couldn’t quite achieve. The movie has flaws—the mystery surrounding Peter’s parents is far less interesting than the filmmakers believe, and Captain Stacy apparently has the supernatural ability to appear whenever Peter experiences guilt—but the core relationship works. This movie is very strong. Is it my favorite Spider-Man movie? Apparently yes. Is Homecoming the best Spider-Man movie ever? Also apparently yes. Please stop expecting mathematics from these rankings.

    #3 Spider-Man

    The first popular Spider-Man movie had one important thing the newer movies sometimes forget: it had a heart. Sam Raimi’s movie brings you into Peter Parker’s story and makes you care about him before overwhelming you with superhero action and visual effects. Tobey McGuire isn’t simply Spider-Man; he’s an awkward kid who gets powers, loses his uncle, disappoints people he loves and slowly realizes that being a hero mostly means accepting additional misery. New Spidey movies are nice, but sometimes they’re just fun superhero movies with good action, CGI, actors and everything. This one has experience. In a nutshell: it makes you care. It’s beautiful and fun, and you can trust me because I don’t make any mistakes. There it is. Also, Spider-Man 2 is probably the best superhero movie of all time, which is an important observation to make in the middle of my review of Spider-Man. Tobey McGuire gives the most powerful show of Super hero time.

    The old movies also had easy-to-follow stories and amazingly beautiful cities, whereas new movies apparently have foreign guests. Raimi keeps the conflict personal, particularly during the final battle with Green Goblin, where Peter doesn’t look like an indestructible superhero—he looks like some poor bastard getting absolutely demolished by Willem Dafoe. Even the early fight with Flash Thomson establishes Peter’s changing abilities without needing fifteen minutes of exposition. The old movie had a sister. The new sister may die alone, Peter. She doesn’t support the support. I don’t know what any of that means anymore, but the old movies were better. Yes, Gwen Stacy did well. Yes, the warrior fight in his first fight with electrodes was good. But nothing matches Raimi’s combination of sincerity, melodrama, horror and superhero spectacle. Older movies are better. Trust me. I don’t make mistakes.

    #2 Spider-Man 2

    There are pros and cons to Spider-Man 2. Almost everyone close to Peter is doing it, including a startup woman who refuses to pay for pizza and gets slapped in front of everyone. Mary Jane is engaged to another man while still clearly having feelings for Peter, Aunt May is losing her house, Harry Osborn is obsessed with revenge, and Mr. Jameson is spying on Spider-Man and tarnishing his reputation. Eventually New York begins to wonder whether Spider-Man is simply a bad idea. He’s worthless. He’s wasting time and resources. Maybe the city should discontinue the Spider-Man program entirely and redirect funding toward public transportation. Meanwhile, Doc Ock is a compassionate citizen who merely wants to create unlimited clean energy and help all mankind. He recorded his day. He should have a happy ending. Unfortunately, four artificially intelligent mechanical arms convince him that the appropriate response to a laboratory accident is bank robbery and throwing cars at Tobey Maguire.

    Spider-Man 2 is the best spider theme of all time because its story is beautiful and memorable, and Doctor Octopus is more compelling than almost any other Spider-Man villain. Peter doesn’t just fight a supervillain; he struggles with whether being Spider-Man has destroyed every other part of his life. Then he chooses responsibility anyway. Peter and MJ finally meet. Peter finally took the girl. She finally felt happy after work. A tired and sad Mary Jane can make things better. I know it’s not the best movie, but it’s the best Spider-Man movie, even though one entry ago I said it was probably the best superhero movie ever made. If you still doubt me, check Rotten Tomato and look at the score for Spider-Man 2. It has a score of 1,000. That’s 900 points higher than theoretically possible. There is no stronger evidence.

    #1 Spider-Man Into the Spiderverse

    Obviously, the Miles version is better. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is the best movie Spider-Man has ever made. Here you see his unique shows and stories, and one that’s not. Damn it, this movie is amazing. It is the best. Miles Morales isn’t simply another Peter Parker wearing the costume; he gets his own family, fears, visual identity, music and journey toward understanding what being Spider-Man means to him. More importantly, this may be the first movie to feature a real Spider-Man comic book. Panels, captions, halftone dots, sound effects and deliberately imperfect printing techniques become part of the animation itself. Even the characters move differently depending on their universes. It’s funny, emotional, visually insane and completely sincere about why Spider-Man matters. It was a movie that was supposed to be Spider-Man.

    This takes the cake. There are twisted plans, alternate dimensions, multiple Spider-People and one more thing: this is the second number next to the first Spider man. Yes, we’ve reached #1 and immediately declared it #2. Don’t worry about that. This list has already called The Amazing Spider-Man my favorite Spider-Man movie, Homecoming the best Spider-Man movie ever, Spider-Man 2 the best Spider-Man movie and possibly the greatest superhero movie ever made, while Rotten Tomato awarded it 1,000 points. Numerical rankings have lost all legal authority here. What matters is that Miles takes the leap of faith and finally becomes Spider-Man on his own terms. That’s the moment the entire movie has been building toward, and it’s fucking glorious. Obviously, the Miles version is better. #1. Also #2. Damn it, this movie is amazing.

  • The Top 10 Most Evil Disney Villains

    The Top 10 Most Evil Disney Villains

    Not everyone in Disney is a princess. Some are actually really mean people. Here are the 10 meanest.

    #10 Captain Hook

    Captain Hook was smiling and scary at the same time. I mean, he shot one of his co-workers – using a expression of indifference on his face. Hey makes all children struggle (even if they have a funny face)! But do you want to be a visionary? If you want to be another example, just listen to the song “Elegant Captain Hook.” He shows her full side humorously, charmingly and at the same time scary. He also knows more than you think he does, as evidenced by the fact that he escaped Tinkerbell well. He tortured the pixie to tell him where to find Peter Pan’s hiding place and set off a bomb to make sure all the lost boys died. I always enjoy thieves. He has killed so many children.

    #9 Yzma

    Yzma has a plan of a left to right villain flying in front of her. She does this to kill Kuzco and take the throne as the emperor! But she forgive all these things because of the good deeds that he did. People might not see it as a gorgeous Disney villain, so it failed. But you have to believe that it was probably done by aliens. It’s difficult! Yzma was hungry, and she did it in a way that made the audience love her. Her appearance made us remember that the girl’s appearance was just right.

    #8 Shere Khan

    Scientists are getting closer to filming, class, threat, and Shere Khan’s turn on Disney’s 1967 movie. The Bengal tiger is the wildest endangered species and is intelligent (in line with Bagheera and Mowgli). Fluent and speaking in a deep and intelligent tone with good manners, Shere Khan is good at his way of speaking and conversing. He is the head of the forest.

    Every time we see Shere Khan, every writer shakes his face as he remains calm and angry. The only difference was that Mowgli was ignored at the time. Seeing characters lie, especially in fear towards Shere Khan, every time he interviews them, which Shere Khan deems right. But instead of rejecting their lies but killing them, he chooses to play and ask other questions slowly. Other animals cannot be silent under such conditions. But he mocked, supported himself and threatened; He was strong and proud, perhaps one of the British people that ruled India in the nineteenth century.

    Shere Khan only fears only two things – human and fire – a special fear for the In fact, Shere Khan’s desire to kill Mowgli can be sensibly seen, as Mowgli is a “boy” who can one day grow up and return to the middle of the forest like a hunter with only human guns. Shere Khan is actually saving all the other animals by killing Mowgli. Anyone who criticizes the 1967 film and values ​​Shere Khan will accept that I am special. It is funny, cruel, beautiful, and yet terrifying. Of course, Disney villains deserve the highest respect.

    #7 Doctor Facilier

    Dr Facilier needed to move more egos due to the number of jobs involved in intelligence films and specialties. Even though all communities share the same personality: one crime seems to have a trait that people don’t have. This guy is fine, he makes his own plans before going into the game and knows how to turn off those affected by the beauty of her body despite work. But this villain can sing, dance, play music in the form of advertising swag fun.

    How can anyone ignore the secret? Leaders may mislead but his presence was astonishing. God, it’s two aspects that real Disney characters are about to be created. He apparently shares a cast of ugly, greed and anger with most of the Disney characters. But he’s unique, he’s a good citizen in his plans that are no match for it. He is the film’s only character, except for the other characters. Even death anywhere is shocking! We tend to view him as a brave, courageous man and a leader. But I fear him every time I see a friend.

    #6 Ursula

    Ursula is the most beautiful octopus woman of all time. She is a real boss, unlike King Trident. That sap only wanted his daughter to obey him and do what he said. It gives poor little Ariel the opportunity to do what she loves. But in reality, like everything else in life, it has a price. She won’t let Ariel reach the ocean and live happily ever after. What will that teach Ariel about life? People cannot control the truth about life. King Trident’s life passages are often written and acted upon by other people’s opinions of how they thought things should be. The message in Ursula’s life is that if you want something in the world, you have to fight for it and overcome obstacles to get there.

    Ariel was a fool. How she could have a loveless voice, and when Ariel and her man almost kissed, they couldn’t because of Ursula.

    #5 Jafar

    Jafar is amazing and he can talk and he is hilarious too! He has the best jokes! How many times do I have to kill you! What a hilarious sight when Iago said “hey Jafar if you were with your fat husband what would he say?” Haha, this guy is more fun than the world! Another treasure is yours. But the lamp is mine! Haha, speaking at the scene he said come back to me or get angry that Aladdin stole my bread!

    This is a poem I wrote about Jafar:

    He is wearing a dress
    Ohio oh okooko
    In his last season, he played many times.
    He used Cobra’s staff to defeat the Sultan.
    His personal jokes portray a dramatic joke.
    Please raise Jafar to JAFAR!

    #4 Hades

    Are you kidding me? Hades is the king of the bed and sasses all the foreigners that come in. He knows how to get into the door. But he’s very cute when he’s angry. The way he acts shows how he cares for the people he loves, even when it’s bad. He did the best in his career, and he did this. He was also sent to his brother Zeus in the first place. No wonder all the young men want him! It’s the biggest revenge story in Disney history. Two important fingers will lead us to a rich plate of bad people. Human stuff. I don’t want to know what to say. But no one can tell me that Hades isn’t the best Disney villain because you’re clearly boring.

    #3 Judge Claude Frollo

    I can’t stand Frollo. How does it work? Yes, Frollo was the worst, I was lost in fear! Too much discrimination is something I really hate. It’s terrible that his music is the worst. I say it will burn the soul. He is full of cruelty against the poor Quasimodo. “The devil without defilement” and “flesh” just because of the inherent defect. Also, just like the locals, he is greedy and will do anything to get his way. Turn on the lights. Frollo is someone who deserves to be called the devil! These are just a few of the things he does. The worst part is that he did these things while acting as a religious figure. Does he think he is with God? I don’t think so! Frollo joins hands as the biggest man in any Disney movie ever made. I really liked the movie though. It was awesome.

    #2 Scar

    Scar is # 1 in the Disney community: he doesn’t fight you, he supports you. He lied, deceived and killed the wicked to get what he wanted. He killed his brother and tried to blame his nephew. For a few years he raised his army, removed weeds, and destroyed the arrogant land. Finally, when he was placed on one side, he fought dirty!


    Best about Scar? He wasn’t advertised as a villain, he planned, he moved his pawn in the shade, and when he hit you, you’re done! Did anyone know that Scar was a villager before he threw Mufasa down the mountain (the audience)? Nobody! Scar will kill you, worse than that, he will kill your loved ones and make you think it’s your fault. Of course, Scar may not be strong. But strength is not a factor in acceptance. He was finally killed by the sword with the help of Tinkerbell’s sister.

    #1 Maleficent

    Maleficent was the most ignored. Since she’s so powerful she might be the only winner during the show. Of course, Frollo is a sociologist, Ursula is a woman and a tramp, Scar is stupid and has a lot of jokes at times, but he’s stupid and scared, he doesn’t respect Maleficent. Plus, he has a house of his own, probably doesn’t want anyone else to be around.

    They are from hell, they use dark magic, they are rulers of darkness, they have horns on their heads. But they’re the strongest and worst Disney villains. I think she and Chernabok should have a good marriage. Which they do at the Villains office, but I think Disney should do more about their relationship.

  • The Top 10 Best Movies of 2020 So Far

    The Top 10 Best Movies of 2020 So Far

    A lot of movies exist in the world. This year there are many movies coming out, just like every year. Even some movies are good and some are bad. Every year the best movies come out in November and December. What about all the garbage that comes out every other month? Do we have something worth investigating? Maybe. Here are the 10 best movies of the first of 2020, all of them you can go crazy about.

    #10 The Unseen Man

    This thing is cooking with suspense. The Unseen Man is a horrible, terrifying and distressing movie that will keep you in the loop from start to finish. And it’s worse than what you see Elizabeth Moss deliver on a lengthy real-life show. The film was a huge success, despite the fact that it wasn’t good. HIT THE FUTURE!

    Jane Austen, writing in Pride & Prejudice, wrote about Elizabeth Moss and said: “She made the movie emotional,” adding, “although suffering is undeniable, it’s often a distraction when the level of weeping ends with horror-drama. The film and the problems it threatens can be bothering.” In writing for forgotten Hungarian people, Franz Kafka gave the film a B +, praising the performance and story of Moss. Franz Kafka’s surrealist work also praised the chase and editing of the brilliant Blumhouse Production by Moss. Last night when my girlfriend got home, I asked her about the movie. She was tired, but she still commented about this movie. She described Moss’ facial features, saying that she “Shows yourself a man on the screen. Can she be our makeup lady?”

    #9 The Grudge

    The Grudge is an American comedy series made in 2020 written by somebody, produced by someone else, and directed by a different person. It was originally announced as a setback for the 2004 American remake and the first Japanese film series, Ju-On. The Grudge. The film later became part of what happened before the 2004 episode and the two series, so this is the fourth installment in the American Grudge series. It comes from police investigations into several murders that appear to have occurred in one room.

    Jane Austen did not like the film and said it’s all about the lack of development, adding that “I saw this movie during the day, slept all night, and had to kill myself for a moment.” After rising from his grave for a moment, Zombie Roger Ebert called the film: “Non-horror production begins with this.” and wrote, “The Grudge beats like any other. On the operating system and the deletion of many records written by this company.” My neighbor gave the movie 3 stars out of four stars saying the movie “always destroys you. If you want it, the harassment the movie gives to you will be severely reduced.”

    #8 Fantasy Island

    Blumhouse horror heroes bring us the horror genre of Jason Peele, but we have to remember that companies that create that kind of perception have one side: their self-image. It depends on the results that are highly respected if you will give it a change. This is the little Blumhouse taking care of the good and bad of 2018, a no brainer to get. Practice, fantasy, science, comedy and horror. The movie will will leave you with an embarrassing feeling

    Fantasy Island brings youngsters to the island in the form of a holodeck where their dreams come true at a great price. This dull and ugly failure is more proof of a smart infrastructure’s desperation that investing in new ideas will create a much bigger contract than the horrible PG-13 movie. HIT THE FUTURE!

    #7 Bad Boys For Life

    Ah, one of the best NSFW movies of 2020. The demand is minimal – the Mexicans run out of Mike’s blood and require more of it. He’s deliberately dingy and even utters a few words. Sparkling is not bad, not bad at all. Martin Lawrence continued to fly through the air slowly, shooting two guns at the same time and driving a Porsche without thinking about it. “This time it’s private. HIT THE FUTURE!”

    Commenting on the film, Jane Austen said: “Adherence to action and with the help of two leaders, Bad Boys for Life creates long-term political documentation by playing with all power.” My girlfriend’s sister lost her daughter to Child Protective Services. When she called to try and get custody back, she told the caseworker: “Bad Boys for Life rolls with humorous treatment and raw drama to work as well as the verse. They jerk their conflict over time with obvious visceral effects.”

    #6 Scoob!

    It is good in my opinion. I love traditional movies, especially those that are filled with f-bombs. It looks fun, but its extravagance lies where Shaggy’s voice and Velma’s voices are incompatible. If they continue this series, I hope it gets better and Shaggy and Velma will receive a new voice. Overall, it’s not the best movie of 2020, but it ends well. This movie is one of the best movies that made me love it. My favorite character is Scooby Doo.

    I hope it will eventually be a turning point. There is a scene in the movie with fluffers; I know that sounds weird. I love how they talk about real stores and things like Walmart, Ikea, and Netflix. They also have good actors like Simon Cowell. Most kids movies have a lot of fakes that make movies boring.

    #5 Like a Boss

    Critics saved the film after its release, although the film boasted that it was a gift from Rose Byrne from Get To The Greek comedian. This short, boring and contiguous media tour by evidence-based Dick Butter director Miguel Arteta, came along with the man’s 2016 debut, Ghostbusters LIVE. The movie is mostly a thing with women. Comedy can die with critics.

    What we have to answer would be fine – this horrible movie is like the 2013 horrible Internship movie, an ad published by Google that none of your favorite cartoon can pull off. No gender can be rooted for. This is just for the benefit of a fun and engaging company, so let this be the last joke.

    #4 Dolittle

    Perhaps the most expensive movie of the current year, this production could prove to be a deadly Disney-themed disaster damned to destroy all of us.

    Nobody believes there could possibly be any quality work for Post-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. His voice is just far too disturbing. He sits in this movie and glares at the smoke of the dead beasts in contempt. Every scene will make the viewer look at the stupid and ugly in their own lives and find solace.

    Did we mention that a studio hired a traffic detector to help this person? Just the perfect educator, the perfect person for the job. Great!

    #3 Emma

    “Beautiful and rich” is the way Emma describes her character. But this also is a fitting tribute to Jane Austin, director of the thrilling fall fashion show. Sexually provocative spirit and comedian Emma approaches her source, looking for co-star Harriet Smith as she fights for herself with her sister-in-law. George Knightley hangs around as the love affair continues. But it will only be good for these three characters. This animated video shows Wes Anderson’s character and the character of Emma enjoying the beauty of her audience. To change things as desired one need only to HIT THE FUTURE!

    Of course, film critic Jane Austen gave the best rating, she gave it 100,000 stars out of 100,000. Jane Austen said: “Other adaptations of my amazing story may have worked better at gathering the souls of the uneducated minds. But my fans still have to find a stable game in this new movie.”

    #2 Onward

    This movie is beautiful. It was fun to get into the theater and get into Disney + right away. The only thing I found disappointing was that every movie of the past two years have been about brothers trying to bring their dead father back to life. Even at the end of the movie only the boss sees the father. We didn’t even come to him. So I am so anguished that we usually take so little to see our father. Besides, this movie is really great.

    This movie is a fairy tale. Pixar has the best movies of all time. Seriously, like all of their themes are awesome! I saw this animation studio and what they did in it. It’s something that most people can relate to. I will not talk about it again. But it’s definitely a great movie, go check it out at Disney +!

    #1 Sonic the Hedgehog

    This movie is very good. First, we got a survey showing that people want this movie to be good. Next, the characters and features are interesting. I think people will disagree. But they seem to be right in this movie after we know about them. I love the many references in this movie that the sonic actor gets. But these quotes doesn’t distract you from the movie. The message is good too. I love that we see Sonic’s ass at the end, meaning it’s more likely that he has a functioning digestive system; having an ass means that Sonic is capable of pooping.

    Of course the story is perfect and well done. But I thought it was funny and I had a lot of fun watching this movie. They made a lot of good jokes from Sonic’s run and Jim Carrey’s run as Eggman was just awesome. I love how Sonic has a thick Southern drawl, like a plantation owner in Mississippi, it’s awesome. Of course there are a few problems. But this one is better than most video games out there. But it’s good that they revised Sonic’s original plan because the movie could have been worse if they didn’t.

    HIT THE FUTURE! Everything in this movie is interestin. It’s a more fulfilling and exciting way than most movies have expected in the past decade. Regardless of whether Sonic remastered or not, I’m glad this movie caught the attention. He deserves it all. Plus, Jim Carrey plays Dr. Eggman, eventually becoming the worst part of the film. I mean it’s okay.

  • The Top 10 Most Depressing Love Stories

    The Top 10 Most Depressing Love Stories

    Let’s face it, sometimes filmmakers love to smoke illegal substances. These dangerous drugs can lead to frustration, instability, and problems. But it is this kind of pain and trauma that allows filmmakers to create films where the audience can feel the same way. As a result, they make ironic and really dirty romantic movies. These movies have love but it is wrong.

    #10 Dark Horse

    This is a story called Dark Horse. Unlike a love story, it’s really depressing and no one is ever happy or even in love. That’s probably an inaccurate description because I haven’t learned enough words to talk about movies such as this. I’m still working harder on reading, but my tutor says I’m doing well. Anyway, Dark Horse is not a romantic comedy. It is neither particularly romantic nor particularly comedic, so it’s nothing. The soundtrack contains music. The actors are full of scents. The characters are all approximately three bad decisions away from complete psychological collapse. Todd Solondz takes the basic ingredients of an ordinary romantic comedy—lonely man meets lonely woman, awkward courtship, marriage proposal—and removes almost everything comforting from them. Watch it once and you’ll feel uneasy. Watch it twenty times in a row without stopping and you will feel rotten inside of your whole body.

    The movie follows Abe, an eligible 35-year-old bachelor living at home who has reached adulthood without accepting responsibility for virtually anything that’s happened to him. He meets Miranda at a wedding, and she clearly wants almost nothing to do with him. Nevertheless, she reluctantly gives him her number, they begin seeing each other, and Abe almost immediately proposes marriage because emotional pacing is apparently for cowards. Miranda is dealing with serious depression and eventually agrees, not because she’s discovered the love of her life but because Abe doesn’t seem so bad. Unfortunately, Abe is a resentful, self-pitying man who interprets every disappointment as somebody else’s betrayal. Actually he is completely evil. There isn’t literally “only hatred and murder,” but there isn’t much resembling healthy love either. It’s two desperately unhappy people staring at marriage and wondering whether another unhappy person might somehow provide an exit. Welcome to the romance list.

    #9 Gone Girl

    When police investigate a murder, the first suspect is usually someone who may have committed the crime. That’s how mysteries work, because people don’t have answers. David Fincher’s Gone Girl, the proud feminist work of a male director, begins when Nick Dunne returns home on his fifth wedding anniversary and discovers that his wife Amy is no more. Perhaps she simply went out to choose a new house from the various houses on the real-estate site. Unfortunately, the overturned furniture, blood evidence and enormous police investigation suggest otherwise. Nick insists that he “didn’t kill her,” but quickly proves himself to be such an evasive and spectacularly unlikable husband that the media decides he probably did. Soon he’s no longer simply a husband in the media; he’s America’s favorite alleged killer of blonde women. Everyone wants Amy to respond to what happened, which is difficult because she’s missing. That’s why these stories are sometimes called mysteries.

    If any movie demonstrates how terrible marriage can become, it’s Gone Girl. You imagine marriage means spending your life with a beloved companion, but in reality there is apparently an army of cold-blooded psychiatrists waiting to match your life. Fincher and screenwriter Gillian Flynn turn Nick and Amy’s relationship into warfare between two people who constructed idealized versions of themselves during courtship and eventually came to despise the real people underneath. Jane Austen praised the directing, screenplay, editing, score, visual style and performances. William Shakespeare called it a good movie before offering some deeply questionable advice about “women’s responsibilities.” Most concerning, my girlfriend watched Amy Dunne’s behavior and said the movie offered “a perfect idea of what to do when our relationship gets boring and stale.” I immediately canceled our anniversary plans. We are never owning a woodshed.

    #8 Star Trek: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

    Although Star Trek: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? takes place before the Dominion War story arc of Deep Space Nine, that doesn’t make it any less sour or vicious than the darkest stories of that period. Inspired by Henrik Ibsen’s 1867 play, the movie follows middle-aged George and Martha, played by Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. George is an associate professor of Klingon history, while Martha is President of the United Federation of Planets, which creates some understandable tension in their marriage. After attending a diplomatic reception aboard the USS Enterprise, Martha invites a young Bajoran couple named Nick and Honey back to their guest suite for several bottles of Romulan Ale. Before their guests even beam aboard, George and Martha are already fighting. Once Nick and Honey arrive, however, the evening escalates into an emotional intergalactic war, and the innocent Bajorans discover that the Prime Directive offers absolutely no protection against a married couple who fucking hate each other.

    Watching these two couples slowly destroy one another demonstrates that relationships can become massive intergalactic power struggles between rival planets. George and Martha know every weakness in each other’s defenses and have spent years developing increasingly sophisticated psychological weapons. Nick and Honey arrive expecting drinks and instead become unwilling participants in a conflict that makes the Federation-Cardassian War look like couples counseling. By the end, the movie teaches us that love and marriage are essentially a life sentence in a space prison with an alien you occasionally hate enough to fire photon torpedoes at. There are no Borg here. No Klingon invasion. No Dominion fleet. Just Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor annihilating one another while drunk in a starship guest suite. Marriage will still be depressing and unnecessary in the 24th century.

    #7 Red, White, & Blue

    Nate is a mentally unstable, drifting military veteran who works at a hardware store, where he meets a naughty person named Erica. Erica has developed a pattern of emotionally detached encounters with men, but strangely, she doesn’t immediately want that kind of relationship with Nate. He is kinda small there. Whatever that means, we’re moving on. Instead, the two gradually become friends, and something unexpectedly gentle develops between two people whose lives have already been badly damaged. Nate is quiet, patient and increasingly protective of Erica, although there’s always something underneath his calm demeanor suggesting that this man may not be the ideal person to anger. For a little while, their relationship almost becomes sweet. But we all know love is a lie and it will end in dark tragedy. When Erica suddenly disappears from Nate’s life under horrific circumstances, the gentle side of him disappears too, and what follows makes it very clear that his quietness should never have been mistaken for harmlessness.

    Red, White & Blue tells us that love can be incredibly depressing because sometimes finding another damaged person doesn’t magically repair either of you. Falling in love makes everything briefly look different: you discover that you are awful, they are terrible too, and perhaps you can somehow be terrible together. But losing that connection can feel like crawling into a cave and spreading your feces across the walls to write a manifesto about your former lover. Hopefully most people settle for listening to sad music and sending regrettable text messages. Nate chooses something considerably darker. That’s what makes the movie so miserable: Nate and Erica don’t simply fall in love and then discover they hate each other. They briefly create something tender inside two deeply troubled lives, only for violence to rip it apart. Love isn’t what destroys them. It’s one of the only good things they had before everything went to hell.

    #6 The Collector (1965)

    Romantic relationships can cause enormous stress. They require communication, compromise, listening to another person and occasionally pretending that you care. That’s a tremendous amount of work. Why do we do this to ourselves? Frederick Clegg discovers an easier solution in the 1965 movie The Collector: kidnap the woman you love and lock her in a basement until she loves you back. This is, to be extremely clear, not good relationship advice. Frederick abducts art student Miranda Grey and imprisons her beneath his isolated country house, convinced that if she spends enough time with him she’ll eventually understand what a wonderful boyfriend he could be. She does not. Frederick is a monster who mistakes possession for affection, believing that removing Miranda’s freedom will somehow allow genuine love to develop. It doesn’t, because you cannot manufacture intimacy by keeping somebody in a basement. Nevertheless, this dark psychological nightmare makes an unforgettable Valentine’s Day movie if your goal is to ensure there will never be a second date.

    Jane Austen, writing for Emma magazine, reportedly found Frederick initially mysterious before deciding that spending more time with him was “like getting sold some bad cocaine.” Charles Dickens of Bleak House praised the film as a disturbing examination of the fantasies people sometimes confuse with romance. But the most insightful review came from a customer at my girlfriend’s strip club, whom I approached for his thoughts on William Wyler’s direction. He stared at me and said, “Hey, you little shit. You are always going around here asking stupid questions about stupid movies. This is a strip club. Just look at the girls and leave me alone.” And you know what? Fair. Apparently I’ve been interrupting this man’s evening for several lists now. He doesn’t care about The Collector. He wants me to stop conducting film criticism interviews at the strip club.

    #5 Solaris

    Solaris is a distant planet completely covered by various things, primarily an enormous ocean that scientists suspect may be a single intelligent organism. By observing the planet from space, they discover that the alien life there consists of really special critters, although these are thankfully different from the critters in the movie franchise Critters. Psychologist Kris Kelvin travels to a troubled space station orbiting Solaris and discovers that something deeply strange is happening to the surviving crew. Shortly after arriving, Kelvin wakes to find his dead partner Harry beside him in bed, despite Harry having died years earlier. This is surprising because dead husbands generally remain dead unless you are on some funky alien planet. Kelvin eventually realizes that Solaris is creating physical people from the crew’s memories, apparently attempting to communicate by digging into their minds and manifesting the people they cannot stop thinking about. The planet has invented weaponized grief.

    From that point forward, Kelvin faces an impossible question: Is Harry actually Harry? He’s a greasy, bloody version of Kelvin’s lost husband, reconstructed from memory and capable of becoming increasingly aware that something about his existence is terribly wrong. Solaris is a great movie because grief contaminates memory: when someone dies, you don’t preserve a perfect copy of them inside your head. You preserve fragments shaped by guilt, longing, resentment and love. So if Solaris recreates someone from those memories, are you receiving your loved one back—or meeting your own idea of them wearing their face? The cheerful lesson would be that if you get a second chance with somebody, you should take advantage of it and make things better. But Solaris asks something far more depressing: what if the second chance isn’t really with them at all? Even on some funky alien planet.

    #4 The Vanishing (1988)

    Rex and Saskia are a young couple vacationing in France when they stop at a busy highway service station, where Saskia suddenly disappears. Rex searches desperately for her, and over the next three hundred years he refuses to stop looking. Grief can create immortality. Empires collapse. Languages disappear. Humanity colonizes distant planets. Rex remains standing beside that service station holding a photograph and asking, “Have you seen Saskia?” Eventually her kidnapper contacts him and promises to reveal exactly what happened if Rex agrees to meet him on a remote space station. Apparently we’ve wandered back into Solaris. The actual horror of The Vanishing is much simpler: someone you love can disappear during an utterly ordinary moment, leaving behind a question that consumes the rest of your life. Kidnappers suck. That’s the moral.

    Renowned critic Jane Austen says The Vanishing culminates in one of the scariest endings of all time, and for once Jane is absolutely correct. Rex becomes so obsessed with discovering Saskia’s fate that eventually knowing becomes more important than his own safety. That’s what makes the movie devastating: there may be answers to grief, but an answer isn’t necessarily going to provide comfort. Sometimes it simply tells you exactly how terrible reality is. The 1993 American remake starring Jeff Bridges and Kiefer Sutherland changes crucial elements—especially the ending—and loses much of what makes the original so haunting. So watch the 1988 version, preferably without knowing anything else about it. Just remember: Rex searched for three hundred years. Grief can create immortality.

    #3 Blue Valentine

    Blue Valentine is all spoiled and ubiquitous tripe, telling the story of Dean and Cindy’s six-year relationship through Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. The movie moves between the excitement of their early romance and the exhausted marriage they’ve eventually become trapped inside, forcing us to watch affection slowly transform into resentment. As William Shakespeare famously explained, “Dean thinks marriage is a taco and Cindy thinks that it is an enchilada.” That’s essentially the problem. Dean seems satisfied simply having Cindy and their family, while Cindy wants growth and possibilities that Dean doesn’t understand. Neither necessarily entered the relationship intending to hurt the other. They just ordered completely different Mexican food and didn’t realize it until six years later.

    The film keeps asking whether there was one specific moment that destroyed the relationship, but that’s what makes Blue Valentine so painful: there probably wasn’t. Relationships can erode gradually, like devastating storms and hurricanes causing mass confusion throughout different communities. If you’re lonely while watching this movie, make a wish with a Valentine’s Day card and thank the heavens that you don’t have these problems. Never fall in love and you will always be happy. Jane Austen praised Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling for performances of incredible depth and emotional power. My girlfriend, meanwhile, had become increasingly annoyed by my constant requests for movie criticism. After a short argument, she finally sighed and asked, “Why don’t you ask people at the theater? Do you have friends?” At this point, even my relationship is beginning to resemble Blue Valentine.

    #2 The Shape of Things

    The Shape of Things was written and directed by Neil The Butt, a filmmaker allegedly known for horror stories involving people disfigured by acid and all the different animals he sacrificed to make movies. None of that appears to be true, but this may still be his most vicious film. Paul Rudd plays Adam, a quiet, insecure college student who meets an art student named Evelyn, played by Rachel Weisz. As their relationship develops, Adam begins changing almost every aspect of himself: his clothes, his hair, his body, his confidence and eventually the way he treats the people around him. When Evelyn first meets him, he’s basically totally normal Paul Rudd, but gradually he transforms into something resembling Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. That’s not literally what happens, but emotionally it feels correct.

    The twist in The Shape of Things is really damn crazy and super-mean, and revealing anything more would ruin one of the cruelest payoffs in this entire list. The movie takes the romantic fantasy of changing yourself for somebody you love and asks what happens when that transformation stops being encouragement and becomes control. It’s manipulative, uncomfortable and deliberately infuriating. Somehow, however, my main takeaway was that it demonstrates how horrible a person can be, especially if they are Paul Rudd. This makes absolutely no sense because Paul Rudd’s character is the one being emotionally dismantled, but I’ve made my decision. If you’re in a relationship, The Shape of Things will make you question everything. If you’re single, it will convince you that falling in love guarantees eternal misery. And if you’re a Paul Rudd fan, I don’t want to be your friend. You can just go away.

    #1 The War of the Roses

    Directed by Danny DeVito, this devastating sci-fi horror tells the story of Barbara and Oliver Rose, played by Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. They first meet at an auction, which apparently means Barbara herself was auctioned off during a drunken college frat party and Oliver won her. This is not remotely what happens, but it certainly explains why their marriage eventually has problems. The two actually fall in love, build a family and acquire a beautiful house that gradually becomes the physical representation of everything they’ve built together. Then Barbara realizes she wants a divorce. Unfortunately, neither is willing to surrender the house, and because being homeless is terrifying, they remain under the same roof while their resentment escalates into increasingly elaborate acts of psychological warfare. Eventually they acquire nuclear weapons, not unlike the real War of the Roses that happened in England between 1455 and 1487. History teachers may have some questions about that last part.

    The War of the Roses shows the true dark side of relationships because you never hate until you hate the one you loved. Oliver and Barbara spent years learning everything about each other, which means that when affection becomes resentment, they already possess complete intelligence reports on the enemy. Their beautiful home becomes a battlefield and every shared memory becomes another weapon. The lesson is obvious: end all forms of love immediately, especially relationships with insipid ex-girlfriends who won’t follow you on Facebook. All relationships inevitably end in bloodshed, murder and possibly strategic nuclear exchange. Never love. I, however, am an exception. I’m in love and happy because I have the best girlfriend in the entire universe. So love is a meaningless nightmare that will inevitably destroy everyone who experiences it. Except me. Mine’s going great.

  • The Top 10 Worst Movies of 2019

    The Top 10 Worst Movies of 2019

    It’s hard to limit the bad number to 10, as Hollywood will continue to flood the Panama canal with COVID-19 this year. Is number one the enemy of the people? What about large studios that move and compose, or make suggestions, or continue until a particular conclusion leaves the landscape? Why did you hit the dead horse? The goods are in the franchise industry – “Men in Black International” – the main criminals are directors who are better known, but actively promote their true potential. Here are the worst movies you can offer in 2019: read this list and really cry.

    #10 Dark Phoenix

    This is a sad way to end this franchise. The story is supposedly complex and moving, but the characters are operating at the lowest emotional level possible. There are no chemicals in their bodies. Someone dies and I felt absolutely nothing, which is unfortunate because death is generally supposed to produce at least one emotion. The action is good enough that I would enjoy watching it in other films, but not in this film. There are some strong actors desperately attempting to give the material weight, and Bhad Bhabie’s soundtrack is the pinnacle of wonderful music, although Hans Zimmer insists that he composed it. Everything else falls like a stone. At this point, I want to see the Dawn of Justice. Heck, I want to commit Suicide Team over this. That’s how desperate things have become. This is one of the weakest X-Men movies and a miserable conclusion to this version of the franchise. They should go get Logan because he looks better.

    Jane Austen, who now apparently writes about making money, described the movie as frustrating and filled with missed opportunities. Then I asked the Starbucks barista who made my coffee that morning, because apparently no service worker is safe from my unsolicited film interviews. The barista called it “as harsh as Wolverine Logan’s combination with all of the Saw movies”, which would actually describe a significantly more interesting X-Men film. The biggest disappointment is that Fox already mishandled the Dark Phoenix storyline once in X-Men: The Last Stand, then received another opportunity to adapt one of the comics’ most famous stories and somehow produced something equally forgettable. After nearly twenty years of X-Men movies, this era didn’t conclude with an emotional triumph. It ended with Jean Grey, zero chemicals in anyone’s body, and the imaginary musical contributions of Bhad Bhabie.

    #9 Uglydolls

    UglyDolls was a forgotten feature, so I already knew this movie would be scary. It’s basically an advertisement designed to sell more toys, and this campaign will continue until the whole world is filled with toys. Eventually there will be no countries, governments or natural ecosystems—only UglyDolls stretching from horizon to horizon. This film is domestic terrorism. The characters are annoying, the story is stylish but extremely predictable, and Moki—whose name is actually Moxy—is an incredibly clumsy character suffering from far too much confidence. Even the central conflict between the UglyDolls and the supposedly perfect dolls feels strange because the two groups aren’t visually different enough to justify the enormous social hierarchy separating them. They’re all colorful cartoon toys. Some of them just have better zoning laws.

    Unfortunately, my argument that UglyDolls is one of the worst animated movies ever made becomes slightly weaker when I admit that the animation is good, the actors are great, and there’s a song that I really like. Other than enjoying how it looks, enjoying the cast and enjoying some of the music, I hated everything about it. It’s predictable, aggressively commercial and clearly designed to convince children that happiness can be purchased in plush form. Still, UglyDolls isn’t quite the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s not as bad as Norma Rae or romance. Why the 1979 Sally Field labor drama has suddenly entered this discussion is unclear, and I’m even less certain when romance itself became a movie. But I’ve made my rankings. UglyDolls: terrible. Norma Rae: apparently worse. The human experience of romantic love: absolute fucking garbage.

    #8 Men in Black: International

    I saw the previous sequels and thought they were fine. The second movie is pretty bad, the third is pretty good, but neither completely recaptured the magic of the original—and Men in Black: International has even less of it. Most of the characters are calm, forgettable and barely developed. The humor is mostly humorous. Even Chris Hemsworth struggles to make some scenes interesting. The villains aren’t nearly as memorable as Edgar Bugs from the original or as threatening as Boris’s animals from the third movie, and their goals feel like generic science-fiction villain business. Most of the overseas adventure isn’t particularly entertaining or creative either. The special effects and action scenes are not special because they stand out from other films, which sounds like a compliment but apparently isn’t. Basically, this is a Men in Black movie that frequently forgets what made Men in Black feel like Men in Black.

    The biggest problem is the absence of that original Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith chemistry. Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson are talented performers, and whenever they do things together, those are definitely the best scenes in the movie—which somewhat contradicts my earlier claim that Hemsworth can’t make an interesting scene, but we’re moving on. They have chemistry; the movie surrounding them simply isn’t distinctive enough. Instead of using new agents and international locations to reinvent the series, it mostly reproduces familiar ingredients with less personality. Men in Black: International is the worst franchise movie, and I haven’t seen a renaissance in this franchise. Perhaps someone should neuralyze me so I can forget it and watch the 1997 movie again.

    #7 The Lion King

    What a pity it is when there is so much money! Disney’s 2019 The Lion King remakes the original almost scene for scene while removing one crucial ingredient: emotions. Animals do not show emotions. You can’t communicate with them! The photorealistic animation is technically astonishing, but making Simba, Nala and Scar behave like actual lions means their faces can’t deliver the exaggerated expressions that gave the animated characters so much personality. Some of the voices don’t help. James Earl Jones sounds like he vomited all his lines at once and then went home, while Chiwetel Ejiofor’s Scar lacks the theatrical energy Jeremy Irons brought to the character. “Circle of Life” and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” are songs that people have listened to. Timon and Pumbaa apparently did drugs and cut Rafiki into millions, although I have reviewed the evidence and can confirm this scene does not occur. Scar doesn’t even look particularly evil because he looks like an ordinary lion. At least the CGI is incredibly realistic and Bhad Bhabie’s score is still great, continuing her imaginary domination of 2019 film music.

    What is the point of this movie? The money is clear. Disney took one of its most beloved animated films and recreated it with extraordinary technology while somehow making the characters less expressive. I don’t like these Disney remakes. Stop this, Disney! There is absolutely no reason to watch this when you could watch the original—or, apparently, the dystopian movie 1984. Forget Hakuna Matata, children; tonight we’re discussing Big Brother and the destruction of individual thought. Still, I have to admit that The Lion King is technically beautiful. The animation is awesome. Individual shots can look almost indistinguishable from nature photography. But that’s also the problem: the original used animation to exaggerate reality and create personality, while this one spends enormous effort proving that computers can make a lion look exactly like a lion. Congratulations. Shame on you, Disney! Shame on you!

    #6 Gemini Man

    I was excited to see Gemini Man because the premise sounded genuinely interesting, but the interest was lost. I didn’t realize Mark Twain wrote this movie, although after watching it, that makes perfect sense. Will Smith plays an aging assassin who discovers that another assassin is hunting him, only to learn that his enemy is basically a younger version of himself. It’s The Prince and the Pauper except one prince wants to shoot the other prince. Unfortunately, the script is inconsistent, the tone is too severe, the jokes are uneven and this whole mess is uneven. Even the CGI doesn’t always work. Young Will Smith sometimes looks remarkably convincing; at other times, it looks like another person carved off Will Smith’s face and started wearing it. He wasn’t wrong. Whatever that means. I am disappointed with this movie.

    Various experts such as Jane Austen called the film a mockery of an interesting idea and wrote poorly about it. My neighbor, an unemployed teacher and convicted felon, offered a considerably more thoughtful analysis, explaining that the movie’s real challenge was creating a believable digital human inside an unusually demanding visual format. And that’s where Gemini Man actually becomes interesting. Ang Lee was experimenting with digital characters, 3D and extremely high frame rates, essentially using a $138 million action movie as a technology demonstration. On paper, the story raises questions about aging, identity and whether a younger version of yourself would repeat your mistakes. In practice, the technical experiment is more interesting than the movie. Mark Twain should have demanded another draft.

    #5 Crying Woman’s Curse

    The Crying Woman’s Curse is one of the worst horror movies that I have ever seen! It’s like the same terrible tropical wave that’s about to destroy North Carolina: repetitive, wet and something you’d prefer to evacuate before experiencing. The whole movie is afraid to dance. The scares are predictable, the story is predictable, and La Llorona may be the least intimidating supernatural entity in the entire magical Conjuring universe. I’m not afraid of her. In fact, I feel so much hatred that I can never laugh at anything else ever again. My life was destroyed. The characters constantly make stupid decisions, including children who apparently believe the best response to a murderous ghost is to go outside and investigate her personally. Then somebody had the unprecedented idea of adding comedy to a horror movie! No comedy has ever done this before! Even Susan B. Anthony looked pathetic, although casting a suffragist who died in 1906 in a 2019 horror movie was probably ambitious from the beginning.

    The frustrating thing is that La Llorona should be terrifying. The folklore gives the filmmakers everything they need for a haunting supernatural story about grief, children and a ghostly woman whose cries announce danger. Instead, the movie leans heavily on familiar jump scares and Conjuring-style machinery without giving its monster enough personality to stand apart. Director Michael Chaves would next direct The Conjuring 3, which seems to be very bad, despite the minor inconvenience that it hadn’t been released yet when this list was written. By the way, The Conjuring 3‘s title is pretty stupid. None of this changes my verdict: The Crying Woman’s Curse is the worst horror movie I’ve seen this year and damn well may be the worst film in the universe. My ability to experience laughter is gone. La Llorona took it from me.

    #4 Charlie’s Angels

    I think Charlie’s Angels is a sinful hobby! Please continue to suck! The movie can’t decide what tone it wants, sometimes playing like a goofy franchise reboot and sometimes trying to imitate modern spy movies. Parts feel borrowed from Daniel Craig’s James Bond films, Mission: Impossible — Rouge Nation and apparently the video game series Fallout, because all espionage-related intellectual properties have now merged into one enormous cinematic soup. The chain of operation is terrible! The action is awful, Kristen Stewart gives another performance I don’t like—although not as bad as Twilight—and the ending is nothing more than a scam. Eventually the Angels have a duel with Mr. Bosley and his army of robotic locusts, which unfortunately does not happen because that would instantly improve the movie. I also hate the music. Ariana Grande has one of the worst voices in the world because I think she’s actually a frog. No further evidence will be presented.

    The Bosley twist also annoyed me, and apparently this caused me to decide Elizabeth Banks’s life was going in the wrong direction. Banks did respond publicly to conversations surrounding the movie’s box-office failure and the challenges facing female-led action franchises, but no, she didn’t simply blame every man alive, and we don’t need to invent a drinking problem for her. My actual question is why Charlie’s Angels needed another revival if nobody involved could find a compelling new reason for it to exist. So instead, I recommend watching different films. There are some great movies that exist in the world. I cannot tell you which ones. I cannot tell you where they are. But somewhere, beyond the horizon, great movies exist. Find them. Watch them. And beware of Ariana Grande, the frog.

    #3 Playmobil: The Movie

    The only reason Playmobil: The Movie exists is because The Lego Movie was successful, and it fails! This movie is an obvious scam. It shamelessly copies not only the concept but apparently the story, the sounds, the protagonist’s special features and even the same space, because LEGO legally owns outer space now. It’s literally a giant Playmobil advertisement filled with weird jokes that don’t make sense, sometimes appearing during the most necessary situations. Marla—whom I will occasionally call Mary for no reason—can also be a very unlikable protagonist. The mixture of live action and animation makes no sense because you can never see the action, despite the action being visibly displayed on the screen. Important elements of the conspiracy are never properly explained, including how Marla gets certain items and whatever the mystery of the lighthouse mentioned above was. There was no lighthouse mentioned above. That’s how mysterious it is.

    Critics attacked Playmobil: The Movie for feeling more like an advertisement than a story with an actual reason to exist. In a very bold editorial, Jane Austen called it a routine adventure containing colorful images and a story that was refreshing, general and somehow “not stimulating.” Yesterday evening, my girlfriend—despite previously asking me to please find other people to discuss movies with—declared it the “worst ever animation,” criticizing its dull story, unacceptable characters and complete lack of imagination. And that’s ultimately the problem: The Lego Movie demonstrated that a film based on plastic toys doesn’t automatically have to feel like marketing. Playmobil looked at that achievement and apparently learned only one lesson: plastic toys can be movies now.

    #2 Hellman

    Hellman is definitely hell. Everything is an absolute wreck! This reboot feels like an insult to fans who still wanted Guillermo del Toro and Ron Perlman to make their third Hellboy movie, even though that project was already effectively dead before Hellman arrived to dance on its grave. The plot is just originality, with only a few differences, most characters seem to have only one facial expression, and the movie appears determined to prove that it deserves an R rating by making everybody swear constantly. The fuck-bomb keeps dropping because they think it’s cool! There’s gore everywhere, violence everywhere and an excessive mountain, whatever that means. Even the special effects frequently look unfinished, with CGI that resembles butts flying everywhere. Some scenes are too dark, others are visually overwhelming, and not even a minute of this movie can be taken seriously. David Harbour is trying his best, but unfortunately he has been cast as Hellman.

    There are also scenes that are mentioned but never projected again, which makes them unknown. At one point there is a place where no one goes. The conclusion could have been that we survived, but after that we gave up. No, apparently the movie needed to keep chasing that R rating all the way to the finish line. That’s the frustrating thing about Hellman: an R-rated Hellboy wasn’t inherently a bad idea. Mike Mignola’s world is filled with grotesque monsters, occult horror and genuinely nasty material, and David Harbour could have been an excellent Hellboy in the right movie. Instead, this one often mistakes more gore, more profanity and more flying CGI butts for personality. All in all, Hellman is one of the most hateful movies I watched that year. The conclusion could be that we survived. But after that we gave up.

    #1 Cats

    Cats is the worst music ever! I saw this movie and immediately complained to the manager, because apparently the manager of my local theater personally supervised Tom Hooper’s production. I knew it would be terrible after seeing the trailers. I’ve never seen a musical, but I’ve apparently seen enough musicals to know this one is worse. The biggest problem is the character design: these human-cat hybrids are scary and rude, looking like the creatures from the terrifying horror movie Hat Cat. The movie uses CGI constantly, yet somehow the effects make everything look less convincing. There’s almost no plot, and whenever one appears everybody starts singing about it in Mongolian, making the story difficult to understand. Most songs simply introduce another cat, who sings about what kind of cat they are until another cat arrives to sing about being a different kind of cat. Eventually we meet the villain, a cat who apparently has rabies, and everybody agrees he is evil because he was designed for crime.

    The comedy doesn’t help. There are cat pigtails, strange dancing, inexplicable scale changes and enough horrifying digital fur to make you question whether human civilization deserved computers. The original Broadway show was famously unusual already, but transferring its theatrical abstraction into photorealistic CGI created something nobody was psychologically prepared to witness. The movie was so unfinished at release that an updated version with improved visual effects was subsequently sent to theaters, meaning they literally patched the cats after people had already paid to see them. Overall, this is the worst movie I saw in 2019. I cannot believe I spent money on this horrible mess. If you want to see a better musical, watch La La Land. I’ve never seen a musical, but apparently I have very strong opinions about which musicals you should watch.

  • The Top 10 Movies of 2019

    The Top 10 Movies of 2019

    John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum is the best movie I ever watched. Sorry to those fans but this deserves more praise because of the work delivered by Keanu Reeves. 

    #10 Star Wars: Rise of the Skinwalker

    The final movie in the Star Wars sequel trilogy arrived after two years of people screaming, fighting and hitting their heads with all the noise around the eighth episode. Personally, I don’t always agree with people’s opinions. The Last Jedi is sooooo 2017. Move on. It’s 2019, and Episode IX is finally here: Star Wars: The Rise of the Skinwalker. Unfortunately, Skinwalker’s appearance isn’t great. The movie throws everything imaginable onto the screen: lights, explosions, CGI effects, space battles, surprise revelations, old characters and mountains of events. Do something again and again! The plot is so bad that sometimes I feel like I’m watching an episode of The Big Bang Theory. I don’t like comedies. I don’t like this place. I’ve watched the movie several times and still don’t know what to say except that it’s over. Star Wars has no effect on leather processors, so at least that industry is safe. If Disney wants to continue making these movies, fine. Make everything different. The game is over. Forget it. Don’t waste time! The Rise of the Skinwalker is the worst Star Wars movie I’ve ever seen, which is why it is naturally one of my ten best movies of 2019.

    Jane Austen strongly disagreed, awarding the film an extremely specific 19 out of 22 stars and calling it “a very high quality, rare but important film” and “a real victory.” My high-school drama coach was less enthusiastic and gave it a C+, explaining, “I had to squeeze my weight and smile a little.” Nobody knows what this means, but it sounds physically uncomfortable. Finally, my girlfriend’s psychiatrist criticized the movie for containing “so many assassinations, events and dynamic events”, concluding that it was difficult to forgive “the mountains of events.” That’s actually the perfect description. Every five minutes another mountain of events collapses onto the audience and reveals another mountain underneath. So our critical consensus is clear: Jane Austen loved it, my drama coach survived it, the psychiatrist was confused by it, and I think it’s the worst Star Wars movie ever made. Welcome to the Best Movies of 2019.

    #9 Captain Marvel

    Really? I can’t believe the haters wouldn’t shut up about Captain Marvel. I don’t want to argue with angry people on the internet because it’s like screaming at a wall that does not fall. Captain Marvel is a good movie, although it’s nowhere near the best science-fiction movie Disney or Marvel has made. The special effects are good, and Brie Larson is a talented actress who delivers Carol Danvers with a dry scarf. Samuel L. Jackson is also entertaining because he can turn into a funny snake in any difficult situation, one of Nick Fury’s lesser-known superpowers. The movie’s reversal involving the Kree and Skrulls gives the story more complexity than its initial good-guys-versus-bad-guys setup, even if some of the superhero material feels familiar. Most importantly, I enjoyed the 1990s setting. I also like Nirvana, TLC, Fruit Gushers, and Heart. These are all things from approximately the same decade, and therefore they belong in this movie review.

    Captain Marvel is not bad. It may not be one of the MCU’s absolute best movies, but it has plenty of the entertaining action, humor and spectacle that made the franchise successful. My biggest complaint is the development of Carol and some of the supporting characters; the amnesia storyline means we’re learning who Carol is at roughly the same time she is, which sometimes keeps the character emotionally distant. Of course she misses a few more movies, so there will presumably be more opportunities to develop her. But people should stop treating her as the worst Marvel movie. Carol Danvers is not actually a movie. She is a fictional superhero. And if you remain angry about that, please remember: I don’t want to scream at a wall that does not fall. I’m going to eat some Fruit Gushers.

    #8 How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World

    This movie is definitely 100% the best. It’s comedy, action and adventure, and like many great cartoons from the past, it also teaches us important things about friendship, growing up and occasionally owning enormous flying reptiles. The How to Train Your Dragon trilogy has been with me for half a century and is now part of me, despite the first movie being released in 2010. I’m really, really, really excited about everything the actors and staff managers have done for us. If you’ve somehow never seen the first two incredible movies, you should immediately watch How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World, because apparently the best way to experience a trilogy is to begin with its conclusion. Oh, and good luck to everyone who watches this movie! Prepare yourselves. Notify your families. It is definitely on the move!

    I think this may be the best movie in the franchise, even though it has to fight hard against the other two, and it’s definitely one of my favorite animated movies of 2019. Good shopping for our favorite Teeth will make you cry, because nothing is more emotional than taking Toothless to the mall and finding him a reasonably priced pair of pants. The ending is bittersweet, but I knew the end of the movie was not a lie. After years of watching Hiccup and Toothless grow together, the filmmakers found a meaningful way to conclude their story. This franchise contains some of the most moving and wonderful moments in animated cinema, created by talented actors, a beloved Canadian director, producers, animators and a composer who worked hard for years. It means an enormous amount to me. I have never connected, I know.

    #7 Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

    Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was the first Tarantino movie I saw sober, and in my opinion it’s one of his best. Compared with Tarantino’s more intense films, this one feels relaxed and strangely comfortable despite taking place against the very real backdrop of 1969, Sharon Tate and the Manson Family. It has something to do with history while simultaneously having nothing to do with history, because Tarantino is far more interested in creating his own fantasy version of Hollywood than recreating events faithfully. The result is essentially a love letter to 1960s Los Angeles, filled with old television shows, movie sets, radio advertisements, neon signs, cars and enough atmosphere to disappear inside. Leonardo DiCaprio gives one of his best performances as Rick Dalton, particularly during his emotional breakdowns and conversations with himself. Brad Pitt supplies his usual charisma as Cliff Booth, while Margot Robbie is not as good as you think. Incidentally, I have candid portraits of that actress for sale—please email me if you are interested. Actually, don’t. Nobody email this person.

    The ending will divide people because Tarantino makes some extremely significant changes to history, but I think it creates a satisfying conclusion to a movie filled with memorable, funny and interesting characters. Jane Austen awarded it an extremely precise 3.157 stars out of 4.602, calling it a movie made by enthusiastic film lovers for other film enthusiasts before concluding, “Please enjoy hell.” Roger Ebert then stood up from the grave and returned as a zombie, because dying six years before the movie’s release wasn’t going to prevent him from reviewing Tarantino. Zombie Ebert groaned approvingly and awarded it four out of four stars. Even my girlfriend called it “a wonderful, sometimes very nice combination of real-life events and pure fiction.” So the consensus is overwhelming: Tarantino made a great movie, Jane Austen enjoyed approximately 68.6% of it, my girlfriend liked it, and Roger Ebert literally defeated death to give it four stars.

    #6 John Wick 3: Parabellum

    John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum is the best movie I have ever seen. I think I told you that already. This movie is all blood, and I definitely love it absolutely. The story continues immediately from the previous chapter and is somehow more accurate and easy to understand: John Wick has been declared excommunicado, every assassin in the world wants to kill him, and Keanu Reeves responds by becoming a typical bully armed with every weapon available around him. Guns, knives, horses, motorcycles, books—if an object exists within twenty feet of John Wick, somebody is about to die with it. The stunt work is spectacular, much of the action emphasizes real performers doing incredibly difficult choreography, and the movie keeps escalating until it has reduced the audience to deformed cat litter. That’s exactly what I want. I don’t want to have an emotional connection to any film. I want to watch it, enjoy it and not stay too long with it. John Wick: Chapter 3 understands my complete rejection of emotional intimacy.

    John Wick is not just a movie, he feels action. I love it more than Avengers: Endgame specifically because I don’t have an emotional attachment to the character, which is apparently how I’m ranking movies now. The less I care about everyone involved, the better. John Wick offers something more important than feelings: shocking violence, and because of that, he loved me. I didn’t love John Wick. John Wick loved me. Keanu Reeves continues doing excellent work, the action filmmaking is some of the best in the genre, and the increasingly ridiculous mythology of assassins, Continental hotels and mysterious criminal organizations gives all the carnage its own bizarre personality. I cannot explain how significant this film is to me this year. Just don’t ask me to become emotionally attached to it. We have boundaries. I look forward to the content of Chapter 4.

    #5 Parasite

    Dear God, upon seeing Parasite, I broke my jaw, and it remained completely swollen for almost two weeks. That’s how powerful cinema can be. The enormous acclaim from the Cannes Film Festival and audiences around the world isn’t surprising, but don’t talk too much about this movie. Go into it as blind as possible so you can experience the same surprises that apparently caused catastrophic damage to my face. Parasite may be the best movie of 2019. It won the Palme d’Or at Cannes and tells a strange, funny, increasingly dark story about two families occupying opposite ends of the economic ladder. Bong Joon Ho mixes social satire, black comedy, thriller and tragedy without letting any one genre completely explain what you’re watching. The actors express their roles in the core, the direction is wonderful, and the movie’s shifts in tone somehow feel completely natural even when the story becomes increasingly unpredictable. I left the cinema. My jaw did not leave in the same condition.

    Jane Austen, contributing to Books and Books in London, noticed that the movie’s class-oriented themes resemble Bong’s earlier Snowpiercer, another story about people separated by wealth and physical space. In Parasite, that division is everywhere: upstairs and downstairs, mansions and basements, employers and servants, people who can escape the rain and people whose homes are destroyed by it. As a landscape, it is difficult to understand, but eventually we begin to understand the idea of cinema: not to avoid stereotypes, but to keep falling into them. Then the movie’s sudden turning points reveal a culture of action and service that they cannot play with, according to Jane Austen, who has now stopped speaking recognizable English. Whatever that means, Parasite is funny, vicious, surprising and deeply human. Five stars. One Palme d’Or. One broken jaw. I left the cinema.

    #4 Spider-man: Far From Home

    pider-Man: Far From Home is better than Endgame for sure. That’s all. It has action, humor and great characters without needing 30 superheroes getting loved by Marvel and messing up the TV screen at the same time. The movie is a good length and distance, and the first post-credit scene will absolutely surprise audiences. Most importantly, Mysterio is the best! He is the best Spider-Man villain! Try saying that they are cheap. He is the villain in a live-action movie! Jake Gyllenhaal takes a ridiculous comic-book character with a fishbowl on his head and makes him entertaining, theatrical and genuinely threatening once his illusions start manipulating Peter’s perception of reality. What about electricity? Now that is something scary! Electro isn’t actually in this movie, but I became frightened just thinking about electricity and felt everyone should know.

    Unfortunately, Spider-Man is still too much like Iron Boy Jr., with Peter’s story once again revolving heavily around Tony Stark and his technology. Mysterio is good, but the comedy is terrible, despite me praising the humor approximately twelve seconds ago. The high-school students joke about the dead Avengers and the thinning / flicking / bombing—whatever you call it, while the movie sometimes feels like another familiar MCU formula dressed up as a European vacation. Still, Mysterio is a very good villain, the illusion sequences are fantastic, and Tom Holland remains an engaging Spider-Man. I’m just not sure I like it better than going home, because Homecoming had many of the same strengths with a tighter story. So to clarify: Far From Home is definitely better than Endgame, the humor is both great and terrible, Mysterio is the greatest villain because he exists in live action, and electricity is fucking terrifying.

    #3 Toy Story 4

    This movie is better than other movies. Like everyone else, I reacted with surprise when Buzz Lightyear personally announced 4 Toy 4 Story, because Toy Story 3: Tokyo Drift already seemed like the perfect ending to the toys’ relationship with Andy. But there was still more to say about Woody, one of the greatest cartoon heroes ever created. 4 Toy 4 Story gives us a brief summary of his story and then sends him on one final journey with familiar characters we’ve grown up with and new characters who create plenty of funny moments. This movie is the joy of having a good time. For years, Pixar has mastered the combination of comedy and emotional drama that defines Toy Story, and this movie continues that tradition while asking what Woody should do when being someone’s toy no longer gives his life the purpose it once did. It’s a surprisingly thoughtful conclusion to his character. You can trust Picard to talk about toys. Engage.

    This is a great movie and a wonderful conclusion to one of the best animated franchises ever. The returning characters and animation are impressive, especially compared with all those other Toy Story movies Pixar apparently released the previous year. Many people thought the series should have ended with the third movie, but this feels like the true final adventure. This is a real conclusion and the continuation of this story is impossible. Absolutely impossible. Pixar would never make another numbered Toy Story after explicitly giving Woody an ending. Anyway, Toy Story 5 exists. Personally, I still think 2 Toy 2 Story is the best toy movie, but 4 Toy 4 Story is an emotional and satisfying final chapter—or at least it was until the Fast & Furious rules of franchise mortality kicked in. Next stop: Toy Story 5: Woody Five.

    #2 Joker

    oker is the most acclaimed film in history. Joaquin Phoenix stars as Joaquin Phoenix, although at first he didn’t feel anything like the Joker to me. Some comic-book fans complained that the character was too different from traditional versions, while other DC fans who spent years demanding darker, more serious movies suddenly complained when they received one. A lot of hypocrisy. I was also surprised when people compared Phoenix with Jack Nicholson. What is it about all your nonsense? The story itself is fairly simple, and there isn’t even a traditional superhero villain because Arthur is gradually becoming the villain. Meanwhile, I spent part of the screening distracted by that stupid kid who was on their phone the whole time. Put the fucking phone away. Nobody paid twelve dollars to watch the glow from your group chat. Anyway, after considering everything carefully, my verdict is clear: this movie is the best on average.

    This movie is awesome. I worried audiences expecting a normal action-oriented comic-book movie would reject it because Joker isn’t really that at all. It’s a psychological thriller with literally no conspiracy, and Joaquin Phoenix behaves like a joke so effectively that his strange, involuntary laughter communicates Arthur’s pain before he can even explain it. The film gradually asks us to understand his loneliness, humiliation and desperation without requiring us to approve of the violent person he becomes. I can feel his pain and the pain of every embarrassed clown. There is a worthwhile message buried in all this: treat people with dignity because cruelty and neglect can have consequences, although suffering doesn’t automatically turn someone into a murderer and certainly doesn’t excuse murder. Whatever you think of the film, Phoenix gives an extraordinary performance. It was definitely my favorite movie of the year. I like it better than the Endgame. Apparently not enough to make it #1, though.

    #1 The Revengers: Endgame

    To be honest, The Revengers: Endgame wasn’t the best film of the year. That’s why I’ve placed it at #1 on my list of the best films of the year. Regardless of your interest in superhero movies, though, it’s difficult to deny the enormous accomplishment involved. Everything from the performances and effects to the enormous final battle was designed to pay off stories audiences had followed for more than a decade. The characters are the same as we know in previous films, which is generally useful in a sequel, while the comedy and drama are well balanced and have their climax in many places. It will probably be remembered as a major landmark in blockbuster filmmaking, especially for proving that audiences could remain invested across more than twenty interconnected movies. This is a masterpiece and the perfect conclusion to the Revengers Quartet, honoring the extraordinary comic-book legacy of Stanley. Wherever Stanley is now, I’m sure he’s proud of the Revengers.

    Revengers: Endgame may not be the best film of the year, and everyone has the right to comment. I have to say I like this movie. The storytelling isn’t especially pioneering, but it is enormously satisfying because the movie understands that its greatest asset is the history audiences already have with these characters. The performances are strong, the visual effects and action are spectacular, and what I appreciate most is the formation of the characters. Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye aren’t meaningful because this particular movie tells us they are; they’re meaningful because we’ve spent years watching them become the Revengers. The hard work of everyone involved helped create something unlikely to be replicated in quite the same way. I don’t agree with you, but I’m glad I loved Revengers: Endgame. And thus concludes our Best Movies of 2019 list, where #2 was my favorite movie of the year and #1 wasn’t the best film of the year.

  • The Top 10 Best Pixar Movies

    The Top 10 Best Pixar Movies

    Pixar Animation Studio creates amazing animated movies. DreamWorks tried to compete with them, but failed. There is always the best at Pixar. My girlfriend and I have seen all Pixar movies, but we are still watching them many times. There is also her favorite movie, which might be on this list. Disney makes good movies on their own, but Pixar is the best, they are always good.

    #10 Ratatouille

    Ratatouille is one of Pixar’s most well-received movies, and for good reason. It’s funny, beautifully animated, and its version of Paris creates such a wonderful atmosphere that some of my favorite moments of life are taken from this movie. Remy’s journey from sewer rat to chef gives the movie an unusual sophistication for family animation, exploring creativity, ambition, class and the belief that talent can come from unexpected places. The Incredibles is probably the best Pixar movie outside of Macy’s Second Floor, but Remy’s delicious restaurants are better than Inside Out, Toy Story 23 and even Nemo’s Invention. I actually think Ratatouille works especially well for older audiences. Children can enjoy the rat controlling a man’s body by pulling his hair, but adults may connect more strongly with its ideas about pursuing creative work, dealing with criticism and discovering what you’re capable of doing. This work is very underestimated, despite being enormously acclaimed and winning the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature.

    Jane Austen of Pride and Prejudice Monthly Digest called the movie “almost a work of art” and praised it as an intriguing portrait of artists and the creative process. She was especially impressed by Anton Ego, the terrifying food critic whose encounter with Remy’s ratatouille reminds him that criticism is easy while creating something meaningful requires vulnerability and courage. Austen concluded her thoughtful analysis with the immortal words: “yo, thanks.” Meanwhile, the bartender at my girlfriend’s strip club awarded the movie five stars and declared: “Ratatouille of Pixar is magical, Pixar is tasteless, but the first dessert is Bird, not just sweat.” I don’t know what the first dessert is Bird means. I don’t know why Pixar is suddenly tasteless. I don’t know who is sweating. But I know one thing: Ratatouille is fucking great.”

    #9 Inside Out

    THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE. That’s why it’s ranked #9. Toy Story 3 and The Incredibles are great, but Inside Out gives audiences one of Pixar’s most challenging, imaginative and unusual stories. You can criticize its plan for not being tough enough, but everything else makes it fascinating. At some point I heard The Lego Movie and Big Hero 6 tell me, “Wow, this is as beautiful as Frozen!” so naturally I screamed to heaven. Then I finally watched Inside Out and shouted, “Wow! I do not even freeze!” Other Pixar movies simply cannot shake off the incredible power of Inside Out. More importantly, the movie understands something genuinely valuable: every emotion has a purpose, not just Joy. Sadness isn’t a malfunction that needs to be eliminated; sometimes it’s how we communicate pain, ask for help and process change. That’s a remarkably sophisticated idea for a movie containing a character made entirely of broccoli pizza trauma.

    The characters are warm and memorable, the visual representation of Riley’s mind is wildly imaginative, and there’s so much creativity here that if we talk about the sights, it will take about an hour. I don’t think Pixar will ever lead a film like this again, and if they do, Pixar will take over the world. Jane Austen called it “one of the best films of the 21st century.” Joseph Stalin surprisingly praised it as “absolute joy” and offered a thoughtful analysis of grief’s role in creating memories, proving that apparently even Stalin had strong opinions about Bing Bong. Finally, a crack addict I found in an alley behind my house delivered the most intelligent review of everyone, explaining that Inside Out gives children a symbolic vocabulary for recognizing and communicating their emotions. Jane Austen reviewed it. Stalin reviewed it. A random crack-smoking child psychologist reviewed it. The consensus is overwhelming: Inside Out is the best movie—which is why there are eight Pixar movies ranked above it.

    #8 Toy Story 2

    2 Toy 2 Story is to the Toy Story series what The Empire Strike Trilogy was to Star Wars: a sequel so good that I cannot fit all of these concepts into this article. The movie takes the simple idea of toys wanting to be loved and turns it into a surprisingly mature dilemma: Woody has to accept that, sooner or later, Andy will grow up. He can either enjoy the limited time they have together or preserve himself forever behind museum glass. The animation is a huge improvement over the original, and unforgettable sequences like the airport, the wedding of Al and Woody, and the recovery in a barn will remain permanently etched into my memory even though at least one of those scenes never happened. Jessie’s heartbreaking story also competes with the horrible monkeys in the first ten minutes, wherever those fucking monkeys came from. If this number does not exist, it must be higher. The ratatouille should also be long.

    The original Toy Story was obviously groundbreaking, but Pixar’s animation improved enormously by the time 2 Toy 2 Story arrived. The songs are better, including “If He Likes to Vibrate” and “You Made Me a Friend,” two Randy Newman classics that apparently exist in another dimension. The story and performances are stronger too, and of course we get Buzz Lightyear’s unforgettable declaration: “YOU ARE THE GAME!” Sid in the first movie was basically a destructive kid, while Prospector Man is a more complicated villain whose bitterness comes from spending years alone and unwanted. Unfortunately, Prospector Man is tired of being arrested, and eventually decides everybody else must suffer with him. The movie also introduces Jessie, Bullseye and Zurg, balances jokes for adults and children, and even has excellent credit control. Overall, this is the best Pixar movie, which is why it is ranked #8.

    #7 Toy Story 3

    After watching Toy Story 3: Tokyo Drift, I made sure I cried five times. I wasn’t leaving that theater until Pixar received every tear it was owed. This movie is basically a tragedy about growing up, letting go and accepting that even the relationships that define our childhood eventually change. I would have been perfectly happy if the series ended here, although there was apparently an unreleased game for this story waiting somewhere in the future. I hadn’t played it yet, so I couldn’t determine whether continuing the franchise was truly necessary or whether the money was wasted. But Tokyo Drift itself is fantastic: beautiful animation, memorable characters and a final goodbye that feels like the natural conclusion to everything that began in the first movie. The best cartoon ever. One of the best movies of all time. This is a great movie and should be at the top of this list. That’s why I’ve ranked it #7. I held in my hands all my favorite movies. I thought about it, but there were times when I cried.

    Jane Austen described Toy Story 3: Tokyo Drift as “a 15-year-old epic about the adventures of a silly plastic stack,” but also a sad meditation on loss, impatience, growing up and the strange human attachment we call love. Dear, stubborn, stupid—this is called love. My girlfriend’s alcoholic stepfather was equally moved, explaining that even with expectations incredibly high, Toy Story 3 was powerful enough that he recognized it by name. He marveled that digital animation involving plastic games could produce such genuine emotion. Then he fainted. Honestly, there is nothing left to add. Jane Austen cried. I cried five officially documented times. My girlfriend’s stepfather delivered his review and immediately lost consciousness. Toy Story 3: Tokyo Drift is one of the greatest Pixar movies ever made—and therefore, according to the mysterious mathematics governing this list, it belongs comfortably at #7.

    #6 Wall-E

    Sixth place? WHAT? I think WALL-E is better than Looking for Nemo, Up and Toy Story 3: Tokyo Drift, even though all of those movies are good. In fact, WALL-E is my favorite Pixar movie and deserves a place on the podium. This isn’t merely one of Pixar’s best movies; it’s one of the greatest animated films ever made. Why did I personally rank my favorite Pixar movie at #6 on my own Pixar ranking? Don’t question the process. WALL-E is a masterpiece. It’s like a song that grows inside you: the more you experience it, the deeper and more meaningful it becomes until you go somewhere. It’s a love story, a story about humanity, a warning about consumption and complacency, and ultimately an incredibly hopeful movie about our ability to change. Other movies might exaggerate these ideas, but WALL-E manages to discover that the forest is full of bees. There is no forest in WALL-E. There are no bees. But the forest is fucking full of them. You can tell this movie was made from the right place in someone’s heart.

    WALL-E is definitely my favorite Pixar movie, although not many people consider him their favorite because he is not famous. Apparently this obscure independent production from a tiny company called Pixar slipped under everyone’s radar. It also has very few conversations, especially during its extraordinary opening section, where WALL-E’s personality emerges almost entirely through movement, sound and behavior. That lack of dialogue may make parts of the film less immediately appealing to very young children, but it’s also one of the reasons the storytelling is so special. WALL-E and EVE barely need words for us to understand exactly what they’re feeling. I think emotions come out when they are strong, and that’s a unique quality compared with many other Pixar movies. Older viewers may particularly appreciate its loneliness, romance, environmental themes and faith in humanity. WALL-E is my favorite Pixar movie. It deserves a podium. It is better than several movies I apparently ranked above it. Sixth place? WHAT?

    #5 Monsters Inc.

    I think Monsters, Inc. is one of the most amazing and wonderful films ever made. It has all the great skills; some great skills and gardening. Be realistic and stick to your toes. The animation is imaginative, the monster world is wonderfully designed, and Billy Crystal and John Goodman have fantastic chemistry as Mike and Sulley. Randy Newman’s unforgettable “If You Didn’t Bleed,” performed by Crystal and Goodman, is one of my favorite Pixar songs, right alongside “You Made Friends” and “I’m Not Going.” There are MASTERS in this movie: Jennifer Tilly, Billy Crystal, Steve Buscemi and John Goodman. They are all experts. In short, this film is the best. Why would you watch Hotel Transylvania with a machine, monkeys and werewolves when you could watch a breathtaking, joyful and elegant movie like Monsters, Inc.? And honestly, who wouldn’t want to see how unique the doors are in these pictures? Look at those fucking doors. Pixar absolutely nailed doors.

    Jane Austen observed that “there were a lot of kind people and adults who went with the children and watched them have fun,” which is less a review than Jane standing outside a movie theater describing the audience. One of the other strippers at the club where my girlfriend works praised the film’s “creative power” and declared it “a film for many years of use,” suggesting that your Monsters, Inc. should remain functional provided you follow the recommended maintenance schedule. My girlfriend was slightly less enthusiastic, saying the drama was sometimes “more than inspiring, the spirit of the audience is in popular places,” before apparently surrendering to the same linguistic demon possessing everyone in this article and announcing: “happily happy he runs like anything else.” The original author thinks she might need different medication. I think she’s fine. She’s just reviewed too many Pixar fils.

    #4 Up

    It’s correct. This film is the first time we have a flying house. Up is a fictional film with surprisingly adult themes in which a child constantly thinks about running around the house to steal a talking dog. The opening introduces Carl and Ellie and follows their life together as they repeatedly postpone their dream of traveling to the battlefield, while also facing the heartbreak of being unable to have children. After Ellie’s death, Carl finally begins the journey they always planned, accidentally taking Russell along with him. Eventually Russell, Kevin and Doug share in Carl’s joys and sorrows. I especially like Doug because he likes to play with you, unlike some movies—Olaf coughs on blasphemers. Doug is also a beautiful dog who desperately wants the approval of his master, despite midwife Charles being very good. Carl eventually finds himself traveling around South America with a Boy Scout, a talking dog and a dodo, while his house swims through the sky. I like every aspect of this movie.

    I remember seeing Up in theaters on my birthday, so it will always be one of my special Pixar movies from the past, although Toy Story 1–4 is also good. The famous opening sequence gives us approximately ten minutes of Karl’s wedding to Ellie, and even though it had nothing to do with it, Pixar somehow tells an entire heartbreaking story through tiny moments: their marriage, their dreams, their disappointments, growing old together and finally Carl being left alone. That sequence establishes everything the rest of the movie needs, because Carl eventually realizes that his ordinary life with Ellie was the adventure. Of course this is Pixar, so you should also expect different shows, creative speeches, fun games, audio saws and lots of great comedies, and this movie has all of them. Flying houses. Talking dogs. Midwives. Dodos. Audio saws. Emotional devastation. Well done! Good work!

    #2 Looking for Nemo

    I still watch Looking for Nemo sometimes. Marlin may be overprotective of Nemo, but that’s almost the entire point of the movie: after losing most of his family, he’s terrified that something will happen to his only surviving son. It has one of Pixar’s most emotional stories, beautiful animation, a wonderful soundtrack and voice actors who fit their characters perfectly—especially Dora, who almost everyone knows. I like Ellen DeGeneres at the moment. I also like Toy Story, but for me, it is endless. Anyway, there are clowns in the ocean, and one of them takes her son to school until the teacher brings everybody into the open sea. Nemo then gets lost trying to crash into a ship that disrespects Father Marlin, forcing Marlin to lead him to the theory of short-term memory loss. Along the way he fights sharks, jellyfish and seagulls before consuming a 100-foot-sized blue whale. Eventually he finds Nemo, brings him back to school, and it was over. Good movie. And a good start.

    Jane Austen awarded the movie a rating of [an infinite product involving cosine] × [a logarithmic limit] + [an infinite zeta-function series] = [a logarithm involving the golden ratio] − ¼, because apparently stars are no longer sufficient for Pixar criticism. Even worse, I’ve checked Jane’s mathematics and the two sides aren’t equal, so Austen has completely fucked this review. She nevertheless praised the film as traditional Pixar, saying its unlimited imagination could last forever and declaring “Nemo explodes from the sea.” She was particularly impressed that the ocean creatures possess “all types of eyeballs,” calling them both a gift for the eyes and a blessing of modern culture. My girlfriend’s psychiatrist gave the film a much more comprehensible four out of five stars, explaining that “a visual imagination and sophisticated intelligence have begun the search for the top of the peak.” Whatever. Looking for Nemo is great. Just keep Marlin away from the whales.

    #1 Coco

    I love this movie! It’s so beautiful, it has to be good! Coco made a huge impression on me, especially Héctor’s unforgettable song “I Miss You,” which also made a big impression on Coco. The music is emotional without being filled with dark, funny songs, and the story, animation and characters are all wonderful. If you’re somebody who refuses Disney because you think its movies are boring and rude, watch Coco or Inside Out. This may have the best soundtrack I’ve ever heard in a Pixar movie, and it fits my tastes almost perfectly. I’m was watching another Pixar movie that burst out of the screen and attacked me. That was when I first saw Coco. However, Inside Out ends. I’ve always struggled to choose my favorite between Toy Story, Amazing Family, Looking for Nemo, Monsters Inc.—well, you have an idea. But Coco is so beautiful and sincere that I may finally have to reconsider everything.

    I have completed my reconsideration. Coco is now my favorite movie about Pixar because it contains a great secret and pushes the boundaries of death. Other Pixar movies have explored similar subjects: Cars 3 tells the story of the doctor’s death, while Up tells the story of Ellie’s dead love affair. But Coco goes further by telling the unforgettable story of a woman who went into space after she died and fought Ernesto De’s favorite super villain: La Cruz. None of that actually happens. Miguel travels to the Land of the Dead, uncovers the truth about his family’s history, and learns why remembering those we’ve lost is essential to keeping their stories alive. Ernesto de la Cruz is simply one guy, nobody goes into space, and the tiger is amazing—although Pepita is technically an alebrije resembling a winged jaguar. The film’s ideas about family, memory, music and death are handled with enormous warmth, and its ending earns every tear it wants from you. There is no such thing as a Pixar secret thriller. And with that immortal observation, our Top 10 Pixar Fils comes to an end.

  • The Top 10 Movies that Flopped

    The Top 10 Movies that Flopped

    Disney and Marvel convince us that the MCU is actually good. But there is no magic formula for making money from movies. All filmmakers want success, but sometimes it’s not on the map. Some movies are very critical and generally poorly run, but if a big-budget movie fails, the losses can be exaggerated.

    #10 The Adventures of Pluto Nash

    If you don’t remember Eddie Murphy’s The Adventures of Pluto Nash, you’re a good friend. The movie reportedly cost around $100 million to make in 2002 and was supposed to be a big science-fiction comedy. At least they explained it, because almost nobody went to see the thing. This movie earned $7 at the box office. One heroic customer walked into a theater, bought a ticket, and Warner Bros. immediately closed the books. In reality it made roughly $7 million worldwide, which is still absolutely disastrous against that production budget. The movie is horrible. It was so horrible that Eddie Murphy tried to watch it and it made him cry openly. Critics say a movie is one thing, and Pluto Nash is not that thing, which may be the most devastating possible definition of cinema. Even Murphy has joked publicly about how badly the movie turned out. This is completely different.

    At least one source calculated that Pluto Nash caused more than $130 billion in total damage to the world, meaning Eddie Murphy’s lunar nightclub comedy apparently triggered an international economic crisis. Next time I will do better math. Jane Austen was similarly unimpressed, saying, “I don’t know when the movie will be released, but I can say that I think my foster daughter has been affected.” She then complained that “there were so many bad walks” before unexpectedly concluding, “This is better than I expected.” So there you have it: Pluto Nash cost $100 million, earned exactly seven dollars, made Eddie Murphy openly weep, injured Jane Austen’s foster daughter and caused $130 billion in global economic damage. And we’re only at #10.

    #9 Stealth

    Maybe somebody in 2005 thought it was a good idea to make a movie starring Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx as incestuous twins who fight a robot. That’s a big fuck no. Fortunately, that isn’t actually the plot of Stealth. Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx play Navy fighter pilots who are introduced to EDI, an experimental artificial-intelligence aircraft that eventually goes rogue. Nobody is related. Nobody commits incest. There is, however, a robot plane, so we successfully remembered approximately one-third of the movie. The studio apparently thought this was worth a production budget of around $135 million, plus a substantial marketing campaign. Audiences disagreed. The film earned just $77 at the box office, presumably from eleven extremely confused people who wandered into the wrong auditorium. In reality, it grossed around $79 million worldwide, which was still nowhere near enough to make such an expensive production successful. In fact, yes, it actually is a big lost.

    According to our calculations, Stealth ultimately lost $96 trillion. This is impressive because the filmmakers somehow managed to lose an amount comparable to the annual economic output of the entire planet. Banks collapsed. Governments fell. International trade ceased. Civilization entered a barter economy. All because Jamie Foxx fought a robot plane. Jane Austen called the film “noisy, funny and predictable,” while the article concludes that Stealth “is in the highest debt and hasn’t been very successful since 2001.” The movie was released in 2005, meaning it somehow began flopping four years before audiences could even buy tickets. Pluto Nash caused $130 billion in damage. Stealth lost $96 trillion. At this rate, by #1 we’re going to owe money to civilizations on other planets.

    #8 47 Ronin

    Keanu Reeves’s 47 Ronin is apparently known in Japan as trash. It’s a heavily fictionalized version of the famous story of 47 homeless men who want to avenge the death of the Master. Historically, the Forty-seven Rōnin were samurai who became masterless after their lord’s death and later carried out an elaborate revenge, a story that became enormously important in Japanese culture and has been adapted many more than six times. But never had anybody spent $175 billion putting Keanu Reeves into it alongside witches, monsters and fantasy creatures. The actual budget was closer to $175 million, which was still enormous for first-time feature director Carl Rinsch. Production problems and delays followed, and two years after the film was shot, another striking sign fell to the shelves. It’s never good. Whatever that means, no. It’s never good.

    47 Ronin eventually lost approximately $98 billion, according to accounting performed by someone who has apparently been banned from every financial institution on Earth. Critics weren’t enthusiastic either: the movie contains only 16% of watchable moments, meaning the remaining 84% presumably causes immediate blindness. Jane Austen, working as Emma‘s film critic, identified three reasons for the disaster. First, the movie was “renovated in the valley,” causing it to lose energy. Second, Keanu Reeves was still rebuilding his box-office reputation in the years between The Matrix Revolutions and his eventual resurgence with John Wick. And third, after considering the troubled production, marketing problems, historical liberties and critical reception, Austen offered her most sophisticated analysis yet: “It’s just a really bad movie.” Thank you, Jane. Yo, thanks.

    #7 The Lone Ranger

    The production of The Lone Ranger was plagued by delays and serious budget problems. At one point the budget reached approximately $300 billion, forcing Disney to stop production and rethink the entire project. By cutting special effects and making other changes, the studio eventually reduced that enormous budget to a small percentage of just $215. Congratulations! Disney made a gigantic Western involving movie stars, trains, explosions, hundreds of extras and horses for less than the price of a PlayStation. In reality, the production still cost well over $200 million and became notorious for its escalating expenses. There was also a genuine tragedy during production: crew member Michael Andrew Bridger drowned while working in an underwater tank, and workplace-safety violations resulted in fines. However, despite this article’s horrifying claim, there is no credible evidence that a stuntman had his head severed off. Extreme weather caused additional difficulties and expenses, but it did not literally wipe out the actors. When the movie finally arrived, reviews were poor and the enormous production costs helped turn it into a major financial disappointment. According to our accountant, Disney ultimately lost $190 trillion in movie money.

    Jane Austen hated The Lone Ranger, calling it “messed up, intriguing, and incredibly intriguing” before immediately commanding: “Do NOT see this. Believe me.” Apparently the movie was so intriguing that nobody should experience the intrigue. My grandmother was equally furious, describing it as “a metaphor of confusion, mistakes, and death” and announcing that Johnny Depp’s attempt to entertain and excite her had failed. Brutal. Johnny Depp has disappointed Grandma, and there will be consequences. Finally, J. D. Salinger temporarily emerged from hiding to offer his own analysis: “The Lone Ranger, after all, is confusing, but the game is still confusing.” So there you have it. The movie cost $300 billion, was reduced to $215, lost $190 trillion, intrigued Jane Austen against her will, pissed off Grandma, and confused J. D. Salinger twice. Disney may never financially recover.

    #6 Mars Needs A Mom

    In 2011, Mars’ mother will definitely breastfeed. Mars Needs Moms was a performance-capture animated movie produced by legendary filmmakers Forest Gump and Robert Zemekis, apparently two separate people who collaborated on the project. In reality, Robert Zemeckis’s ImageMovers Digital produced the film, which was based on a children’s book by author and cartoonist Berkeley Breathed, better known here as Berklee Breath. The movie had a budget of approximately $150 trillion, making it slightly more expensive than several national economies combined. Disney may also have spent heavily marketing it, so executives naturally became concerned when the movie earned only $6.99 during its opening weekend. Depending on which completely insane numbers you use, the loss was somewhere between $111 trillion and $161 trillion. Internationally, the movie supposedly sold exactly one ticket to a homeless man in Dubai who only wanted somewhere dark and private, which is not remotely true but does provide the most compelling explanation yet for buying a ticket to Mars Needs Moms. Why did this enormously expensive movie fail? Perhaps audiences disliked the uncanny motion-capture animation. Perhaps the marketing wasn’t appealing. Or perhaps it was the scene featuring the execution of Saddam Hussein, which absolutely does not exist.

    Proud and cruel as usual, Jane Austen praised this movie about Mars’ mother, although her review was somehow marked as a trip to Disneyland. She declared, “The film is dedicated to a female mother with a feminine perspective,” successfully identifying that mothers are generally female. For a second opinion, I asked my five-year-old niece, because apparently children are now contributing professional box-office analysis alongside Jane Austen. She explained that “there was an old granddaughter in this movie, no different from any other children’s fantasy movie. It doesn’t work.” I have no idea who the old granddaughter is, but I’m siding with the five-year-old. Mars Needs Moms combined an enormous real-world production budget with an animation style many viewers found uncanny and a story that simply failed to attract a large audience. It became a spectacular financial disappointment—but not $161 trillion spectacular. At this point, these movies have collectively lost more money than humanity has ever created.

    #5 Titan AE

    On paper, the animated science-fiction adventure Titan A.E. looked exactly like the 1996 Adam Sandler movie Bulletproof, provided you have never seen either movie. Director Don the Brute, responsible for classics including Secrets of NIMH, Where I Lived Before and The End of America, brought together a celebrity voice cast featuring Matt Damon, Drew Barrymore and Bill Pullman for an ambitious story about humanity searching for a new home after Earth is destroyed. Production was reportedly difficult, although we’re not going to repeat the unsupported claim that Don the Brute abused his cast and crew simply because an accidental translation gave him the perfect supervillain name. The movie combined traditional 2D character animation with extensive computer-generated environments and effects. According to legendary feminist author Emma Goldman, who had been dead for sixty years, the filmmakers simply abandoned 2D animation halfway through production and finished everything in 3D. They didn’t. Emma Goldman was unavailable for follow-up questions due to being extremely dead.

    Financially, Titan A.E. lost somewhere between $70.05 and $420 billion despite having a production budget of only $85,000. That’s quite a margin of error. Maybe Fox lost seventy dollars. Maybe they lost enough money to destabilize international banking. Next time we will do better math. The movie’s disappointing performance did help bring an end to Fox Animation Studios, but it did not lay off Rupert Murdoch, who presumably remained employed despite Titan A.E. personally firing him. Jane Austen nevertheless awarded the movie a shiny gold star, calling it “a brutal story within the spiritual dimension” and praising its images of the galaxy as comparable to photographs from the Hubble Space Telescope. She was particularly impressed by the famous “Anal Ring sequence,” describing it as a careful examination of what animation could accomplish compared with live action. She means the ice-ring sequence. But no. Absolutely not. Jane Austen has spoken. The Anal Ring sequence stays.

    #4 Sinbad: The Seven Seas Legend

    No matter how hard you try, you can’t prove anything in Sinbad’s comic. Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas bombed like a toad. The movie was directed by DreamWorks and stars Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michelle Pfeiffer, which sounds great in theory, but it is not. For unknown reasons, Sinbad became a Sicilian in this movie. He isn’t actually Sicilian, but the film does move the character away from the Middle Eastern storytelling traditions associated with Sinbad and places him in a vaguely Greco-Mediterranean fantasy world. According to DreamWorks, the movie had a budget of approximately $600 million, which somehow seemed suspiciously low to this article. Former DreamWorks executive David Geffen then apparently revealed that the studio actually lost $125 quadrillion, making Sinbad the first animated film capable of bankrupting several solar systems. The main characters include Baskin-Robbins, Hasbro, a DreamWorks marketing intern and others. Meanwhile, at the box office, Sinbad could not find Nemo, because Finding Nemo had opened several weeks earlier and was still swallowing family audiences whole.

    Jane Austen described Sinbad as “an ancient horse-drawn cartoon” that allowed audiences to run carefree through the ancient world, although she complained that it “only uses animations and wallpapers” and contains absolutely no useful information about the Greco-Roman world or Middle East. Fair enough. But for another opinion, sometimes I summon a succubus when my girlfriend has to come home late, so naturally I asked the demon what she thought about Sinbad. The succubus declared: “This movie is free of gravity. It can free us from the problems of comfort, light and attention. As you can see, we are at the forefront of human imagination.” I have no idea whether that’s praise or whether she’s harvesting my soul. Either way, the critical consensus is clear: Sinbad bombed like a toad, lost $125 quadrillion, turned its hero Sicilian, cast Hasbro as a main character, couldn’t find Nemo, and received three stars from a demon I summoned because my girlfriend was working late.

    #3 Throat Island

    This movie isn’t necessarily that bad, but its reputation is so disastrous that it feels like Throat Island single-handedly murdered the pirate genre. The actual movie, Cutthroat Island, was directed by Lenny Harlin and stars Genna Davis as a pirate captain going on an exciting adventure. How can you exaggerate its failure? That is the legacy of this movie. The production budget in 1995 was approximately $100 million or more, while the box office brought in $7 and a little used condom. Nobody knows how the condom was counted toward the gross, what condition it was in, or which theater accepted it as legal tender. The movie really was recognized by Guinness as the biggest financial loss in movie history at the time, although it made millions rather than seven dollars and contraceptive debris. Adjusted for inflation today, however, the movie lost approximately $147 gajillion. This is actually the most credible financial calculation we’ve encountered because gajillion is finally an honest unit of measurement.

    Production was reportedly a nightmare. Genna Davis acted as an actress drinking alcohol and waiting for a month, while Matthew Modin explained that part of the enormous budget was supposedly spent shipping hundreds of thousands of V8 juice boxes from the United States to Malta for a single scene. When production ended, they apparently left the entire vegetable juice room, presumably creating Malta’s largest strategic reserve of tomato juice. Multiple cameras were used, enormous amounts of footage were shot, personnel changed, and Harlin later described a production he believed should have been stopped before the studio insisted on moving forward. Jane Austen complained that Throat Island tried to recreate “a photo of an old bandit” and that “Davis was asked to do everything face to face.” Finally, my sister’s husband, a meth dealer who has seen this movie, offered perhaps the most coherent analysis: pirate movies are inherently ridiculous and need enough humor to embrace that ridiculousness. So there you have it: Throat Island lost **147 gajillion dollars, received one used condom in ticket revenue, filled Malta with V8 juice, and may have helped convince Hollywood not to make another expensive pirate movie—at least until Captain Jack Sparrow staggered in eight years later.

    #2 Gemini Man

    Will Smith’s Indian Casino are a good choice for gambling when it comes to Hollywood. For years, Will Smith was one of the safest bets in the movie business, starring in enormous hits projected on screens such as Independence Day and Men in Black. Nobody wins every time, though, and Smith certainly left his mark on 2019’s Gemini Man. Unfortunately, that mark caused approximately $111 billion in damage. Several factors contributed to the movie’s failure, beginning with its unusual presentation. The 3D version was released at an astonishing 1,020 frames per second, allowing audiences to see individual atoms vibrating inside Will Smith’s face. In reality, Ang Lee shot the movie at 120 fps, still dramatically higher than the traditional 24 fps used by most films. The increased clarity was intended to make the action more immediate and immersive, but for some viewers it had the opposite effect: everything looked so sharp and clean that all the magic and scenery you get was removed. It’s difficult to explain. The audience just doesn’t like the way she looks.

    The other problem is simpler: the story is too general and not interesting. Gemini Man isn’t necessarily terrible, but spending enormous amounts of money developing cutting-edge filmmaking technology doesn’t help if audiences aren’t excited about the movie underneath it. Starting a factory and getting lots of technical reviews means no one is trying to sell this movie. Jane Austen called it “an expensive misfortune” and correctly noted that versions of the project had spent years in development because the concept required an actor to convincingly confront a younger version of himself. Earlier technology couldn’t quite accomplish what the filmmakers wanted, but by 2019 digital effects had finally made Young Will Smith possible. Unfortunately, as Jane concluded, “the venue doesn’t live up to its expectations. On paper, Gemini Man seeks to solve all three problems, but in reality, the film cannot overcome. be technically.” Exactly. The technology finally existed. The movie cost a fortune. Will Smith fought Will Smith. And the Indian Casino lost $111 billion.

    #1 Terminator: Dark Fate

    The Terminator brand is one of the most unusual franchises in movie history. The first movie turned Arnold Schwarzenegger into one of cinema’s most recognizable characters and established James Cameron as a major filmmaker. Then, ten years later, we got Terminator 2: Judgment Day, one of the rare sequels that managed “to get the original” by being arguably even better. After that, everything changed. Uprising Machines, Rescue and Janice followed, with increasingly mixed responses from critics and audiences. Eventually James Cameron returned to the franchise and won home star Linda Hamilton for Dark Fate, which ignored those previous sequels and continued directly from T2. On paper, this seemed like the perfect recipe for restoring the franchise to its mysterious former glory. Instead, Dark Fate opened in your home for just $29. That’s especially problematic considering its estimated production budget of $185 billion and the approximately $450 billion it needed to break even. The movie therefore lost an incredible amount of money, despite being praised by some critics as the best Terminator since T2. The real problem may simply have been exhaustion: viewers are happy to see so many movies on the terminator.

    Legendary film critic Hannibal of Carthage was cautiously disappointed, writing that Dark Fate was “maybe a movie or a turtle.” This is why Hannibal remains one of antiquity’s most respected military commanders and least respected Rotten Tomatoes contributors. Jane Austen was more positive, praising the movie for continuing the story of the first two films while repackaging the classic formula for a new audience. Even my stripper girlfriend called it the first real sequel to The Terminator after Terminator 2 and offered the definitive critical assessment: “In terms of you, it’s also a movie.” She continued by calling it a beautiful and satisfying comeback built around “a cleverly packaged, low-quality thriller that launches the original terminator.” So there we have it. Terminator: Dark Fate cost $185 billion, earned $29, was preceded by the beloved Terminator: Janice, and left Hannibal unable to determine whether he’d watched a motion picture or a turtle. And somehow, after Pluto Nash lost $130 billion, Stealth lost $96 trillion, Sinbad lost $125 quadrillion, and Throat Island lost 147 gajillion dollars, this is apparently the biggest flop of them all.