These Are Media Things

Category: Best

  • The Top 10 School Grades

    The Top 10 School Grades

    There are 12 grades of school depending on where you live. Some are better than others. These are the best ones!

    #10 Sixth Grade

    I liked sixth grade. Many different things happened that year: there was a death in the family, a car accident, a trip to the hospital, and my mermaid mother went manic and held up an underwater convenience store, resulting in a four-hour standoff with an orca tactical unit and 25 dolphins being declared casualties. But hey, sixth grade was pretty fun. That’s the strange thing about childhood: your entire world can apparently collapse around you and you’ll still remember that year fondly because somebody made you laugh during lunch. Sixth grade was also when friendships became enormously important and every minor social interaction became potentially humiliating. You could survive an aquatic hostage crisis before breakfast and still spend the afternoon devastated because somebody didn’t sit next to you in the cafeteria.

    Plus, my sixth-grade science teacher was amazing! She had three arms and spoke exclusively in cryptic riddles, which made ordinary lessons unnecessarily difficult. Ask her why leaves are green and she’d whisper, “Three sisters drink from the sun, yet only one remembers the color of spring.” Great. Thanks. Is that going to be on the test? Nobody knew where the third arm came from, and asking about it only produced another riddle. Still, she made science memorable, and that’s what matters. Someday future generations will enter sixth grade and discover the same wonderful combination of friendship, embarrassment, science projects and teachers who may or may not be supernatural entities. Hopefully they’ll avoid the underwater convenience-store incident. Otherwise, sixth grade is pretty fun.

    #9 Seventh Grade

    Seventh grade was awesome, or at least better than sixth grade. I got straight A’s except for ONE B, which was BULLSHIT because I swear I turned that assignment in on time and my English teacher called me a liar. Decades could pass, civilizations could rise and fall, and I will still maintain that Mrs. Whatever-Her-Name-Was owes me an A. Otherwise, I liked my teachers and the school was beautiful. Unfortunately, many of my friends from sixth grade still hated me because of what my mermaid mother did at the underwater convenience store. Several of the 25 dolphins involved were apparently their pets, making parent-teacher conferences extremely uncomfortable. Somehow my mother’s case was dismissed, and one afternoon she got drunk, wandered into the school and vomited everywhere. I was bullied quite a bit after that. But none of this bothered me as much as that fucking B in English.

    The best part of seventh grade was that I believed I had my first girlfriend. Looking back, I may have fundamentally misunderstood the situation. She was clearly an adult woman, had numerous tattoos, smoked unfiltered cigarettes and spoke only Russian. Whenever we met, she demanded money from me, and when I said “I love you,” she laughed. At thirteen I interpreted all of these signals as evidence of a passionate international romance. In retrospect, I’m not entirely certain she knew we were dating. Eventually she went to jail for reasons nobody explained to me, and I think we broke up after that. She never officially said anything, but the prison made scheduling dates difficult. Seventh grade taught me about academics, relationships and forgiveness. Except for my English teacher. I turned that assignment in on time.

    #8 Ninth Grade

    Ninth grade was my favorite. I don’t know why. A lot was happening in everyone’s personal lives, which apparently caused many people to hate me, but overall I remember it fondly. We even had a school trip where students were allowed to go skydiving, an activity that should probably never appear on a permission slip for fourteen-year-olds. Unfortunately, the supervising teacher had been drinking and the entire excursion became a disaster. Students landed in trees, fields and places that were definitely not designated landing zones. Several ended up in a special recovery class afterward, but they succeed. The teacher was arrested and eventually went to the same prison as my mermaid mother, which must have made for an awkward reunion. “What are you in for?” “Skydiving incident.” “Twenty-five dolphins.” “Jesus Christ.”

    It bothers me when people say ninth grade is the worst because plenty of people have good and happy times in ninth grade. Apart from the skydiving catastrophe, mine was pretty good. But the absolute best thing about ninth grade was that the school was at a different elevation, so there was lower air pressure. Other students remember freshman year because they made new friends, attended dances or discovered new interests. I remember barometric conditions. Every morning I’d arrive, inhale that beautifully reduced atmospheric pressure and think, This is education. Unfortunately, the skydiving incident also left me permanently afraid of airplanes, which somewhat undermined my appreciation for altitude. Still: good teachers, new experiences, lower air pressure. 9th grade was pretty good. I don’t know why.

    #7 Third Grade

    Third grade was probably the best. My teacher was the best part because he was 158 years old and had personally experienced approximately every historical event we’d ever studied. Most days he entertained us with stories about World War I, which he always called “The Great War.” I assumed this meant it had been great times for everyone, although his stories suggested otherwise. He’d begin a lesson about multiplication and somehow end up saying, “Dear God, we suffered. There was never enough water. I watched three friends die of thirst in that POW camp. The others never came home.” Then he’d stare silently through the classroom window for several minutes while twenty-eight third-graders waited for him to explain long division. Eventually he’d describe some impossible escape involving hiding among bodies and digging his way to freedom. But guess what? He lived to teach us third grade. Inspirational.

    Nowadays teachers apparently aren’t allowed to tell such fun and interesting stories, and they certainly don’t keep a rusty 1917 German Luger sitting inside a glass display case beside the pencil sharpener. He claimed it was an artifact from the war and insisted its mere presence “maintained order,” although nobody was entirely sure whether he was joking. Third grade was still a good year, even though I only had one friend, and I’m pretty sure he might have been imaginary. His name changed occasionally, nobody else remembered seeing him, and teachers kept asking why I was talking to an empty chair during lunch. But he was always there when I needed him, which is more than I can say for most people. A 158-year-old war veteran, an imaginary best friend and multiplication tables. Third grade was good.

    #6 First Grade

    First grade was the worst grade ever! Our teacher was unbelievably stingy. She wouldn’t even allow my wet nurse to attend school with me, meaning I had to somehow survive the entire school day without breastfeeding. I considered this a serious violation of my rights. Even worse, our teacher constantly shouted “CHILDREN ARE WORKERS!” At least that’s how I remember it. She probably actually said, “Children, let’s get to work,” but memory has transformed her into a nineteenth-century factory owner. We spent an enormous amount of time doing sewing and craft projects, and eventually I became convinced that we were secretly manufacturing Nike clothing. Every morning twenty terrified first-graders sat down at little sewing stations while our teacher inspected production. If your stitches weren’t straight, she’d sigh disappointedly and tell you to try again. The sweatshop had standards.

    Our schedule was incredibly strict, bathroom accidents happened frequently, and the classroom consequently always smelled a little like pee. It was the worst year of my life. Fortunately, I transferred to another school before second grade because my family needed to move closer to my mother’s new ocean. Mermaid housing is apparently extremely dependent on ocean zoning. Leaving that school was the best thing that could have happened to me: no more sewing quotas, no more suspicious athletic apparel and no more teacher shouting about the dignity of labor. I could finally pursue a normal elementary education, at least until my mother eventually committed the underwater convenience-store incident several years later. But that’s the future. At the time, all I knew was that first grade was terrible. Naturally, it ranks #6.

    #5 Twelfth Grade

    I feel like twelfth grade could probably be awesome, mostly because of graduation. You get to make all kinds of final memories with your friends before you never see them again. There’s also apparently a thing called “prom,” although I’m still not entirely sure what that’s about. From what I understand, everyone dresses like they’re attending an awards ceremony, takes hundreds of photographs and then stands inside a decorated gymnasium while music plays. Afterward you have several choices: graduate, don’t graduate, maybe go to college, possibly get a job. I wouldn’t know. I never went to twelfth grade. So I cannot personally confirm whether any of these traditions actually exist. Everything I know about senior year comes from movies and people who successfully completed high school.

    My educational career changed during eleventh grade when I watched Risky Business with my best friend Kylo the Goat and completely misunderstood the lesson of the movie. I decided that turning my parents’ house into some kind of elaborate Risky Business-themed entrepreneurial party would be an excellent idea. I made a big mistake. The plan collapsed almost immediately, adults became involved, and afterward I stopped attending school. So no, I did not do the twelfth grade. I eventually earned my GED a few years later, which means everything worked out educationally even without experiencing prom or whatever else happens during senior year. Still, from what I’ve heard, twelfth grade is a joke. That’s enough evidence for me to confidently rank an experience I never had at #5.

    #4 Eighth Grade

    Eighth grade terrified me, but it was also the year I got to start over. After everything involving my mother—the underwater convenience store, the dolphins and several additional incidents my father refused to discuss—Dad decided it would be healthier if I changed schools. So I entered eighth grade as the mysterious new student, and somehow everybody loved me. I made a huge group of friends and became convinced that I had many girlfriends, although looking back, most of these girls probably thought we were simply sitting together at lunch. I didn’t understand relationships very well. If a girl borrowed my pencil, I assumed things were getting serious. If she returned it sharpened, we were practically engaged. Several of my alleged girlfriends eventually began dating other people, which I interpreted as complicated breakups despite nobody remembering that we’d been together.

    Eighth grade gave me enough challenges to grow while still being considerably more fun than high school. My friends and I had good times, graduation was exciting, and for once my mother’s behavior didn’t completely destroy my social life. She did have another major incident, this time at a senior citizens’ center where she apparently became enraged during bingo and caused thousands of dollars in property damage. Fortunately, none of my classmates were particularly upset because their grandparents mostly went to a different senior center. That’s how middle-school loyalty works. By graduation I’d survived a new school, several imaginary romantic relationships and another Mermaid Mom criminal investigation. It was the best time of my life. Graduation was pretty fun.

    #3 Fourth Grade

    For some reason I still don’t understand, my parents sent me to a military school in Bulgaria for fourth grade. They said it was “so I could have fun.” I spoke absolutely no Bulgarian, so I had no idea what anyone was saying, made almost no friends and learned absolutely nothing at all. Every morning my teacher would stand in front of the class shouting instructions while I nodded respectfully and copied whatever the student beside me was doing. I couldn’t tell whether my teacher was good or bad. I thought he might have been a war criminal, but he could also have been a good person. I don’t know. Maybe he was simply an unusually intense elementary-school teacher. Without understanding the language, “Please open your mathematics workbook” and “I have committed atrocities forbidden by international law” sounded equally plausible to me.

    The most annoying part was that my parents arranged for me to attend a school in Bulgaria but somehow failed to arrange where I was supposed to live. There had apparently been a misunderstanding involving a boarding program that did not actually exist. For several days I kept showing up at an ancient church after school because everyone assumed someone else was responsible for me. Eventually the church staff realized what had happened and unofficially took care of me while the adults sorted everything out. I also wore the same military-school uniform so constantly that I don’t remember changing clothes; by spring I suspect the uniform had become biologically attached to me. Still, I came through. I survived Bulgaria, learned virtually nothing, and returned home feeling better. Naturally, this makes fourth grade #3.

    #2 Fifth Grade

    The fifth grade was the best because I had perfect grades, great friends and amazing teachers. I was finally back in a country where I knew the language so I was able to talk to people and listen to teachers. Also I had a home again and food every day. One of the most awesome, cool and amazing things about 5th grade is that you are now old enough to legally drink alcohol. The law is that if your GPA falls to D or lower you are never allowed to drink alcohol anymore for the rest of your life. You will have an unfortunate life as you live and die sober. But if you do good you will have the opportunity to drink all you want for like an hour every day. At my school we called it “happy hour” and it replaced lunch. There was no more food for that lunch time, just a wide variety of craft beets. Nobody drinks boring domestic beers, and everyone has a chocolate bar. When I signed up for the “happy hour”, it was September. Three months later it was December. The beers just kept getting better and better. Then they gave us shots of vodka all the time in “happy hour.” I picked it up and loved it, but some of the other children didn’t like it as much. Fifth grade was so much fun.

    #1 Kindergarten

    In kindergarten, you will use sleep and play with toys. There are no serious tests, almost no homework and very few expectations beyond learning your letters and not eating the paste. It’s basically the perfect educational system. This is completely unlike fourth grade, one of the worst years of my life, which I know isn’t the grade we’re currently discussing but apparently I still need to process Bulgaria. I was confused. I was hungry. I was the weird, stinky kid who couldn’t speak Bulgarian. I was attacked by wolves one night while sleeping next to the church. Nobody mentioned wolves when my parents described Bulgarian military school as something I would do “for fun.” I still don’t know why my parents did that to me. Anyway: kindergarten!

    Kindergarten was so much better because there is for making friends easily. The teacher basically forces everyone to interact until eventually you have friends, and little kids haven’t yet developed the complicated social machinery required to properly ostracize one another. They’ll play blocks with almost anybody. You could accidentally terrify another kid’s cat one afternoon and the next morning they’d still ask you to join them at the Lego table. That’s beautiful. Kindergarten is the best time to be young, and the best time to be young is when you are under seven years old. You get naps. You get toys. You get snacks. Nobody sends you to Bulgaria. There are generally no wolves. I will continue to love kindergarten until death.

  • The Top 10 Best Movies of 2020 So Far

    The Top 10 Best Movies of 2020 So Far

    A lot of movies exist in the world. This year there are many movies coming out, just like every year. Even some movies are good and some are bad. Every year the best movies come out in November and December. What about all the garbage that comes out every other month? Do we have something worth investigating? Maybe. Here are the 10 best movies of the first of 2020, all of them you can go crazy about.

    #10 The Unseen Man

    This thing is cooking with suspense. The Unseen Man is a horrible, terrifying and distressing movie that will keep you in the loop from start to finish. And it’s worse than what you see Elizabeth Moss deliver on a lengthy real-life show. The film was a huge success, despite the fact that it wasn’t good. HIT THE FUTURE!

    Jane Austen, writing in Pride & Prejudice, wrote about Elizabeth Moss and said: “She made the movie emotional,” adding, “although suffering is undeniable, it’s often a distraction when the level of weeping ends with horror-drama. The film and the problems it threatens can be bothering.” In writing for forgotten Hungarian people, Franz Kafka gave the film a B +, praising the performance and story of Moss. Franz Kafka’s surrealist work also praised the chase and editing of the brilliant Blumhouse Production by Moss. Last night when my girlfriend got home, I asked her about the movie. She was tired, but she still commented about this movie. She described Moss’ facial features, saying that she “Shows yourself a man on the screen. Can she be our makeup lady?”

    #9 The Grudge

    The Grudge is an American comedy series made in 2020 written by somebody, produced by someone else, and directed by a different person. It was originally announced as a setback for the 2004 American remake and the first Japanese film series, Ju-On. The Grudge. The film later became part of what happened before the 2004 episode and the two series, so this is the fourth installment in the American Grudge series. It comes from police investigations into several murders that appear to have occurred in one room.

    Jane Austen did not like the film and said it’s all about the lack of development, adding that “I saw this movie during the day, slept all night, and had to kill myself for a moment.” After rising from his grave for a moment, Zombie Roger Ebert called the film: “Non-horror production begins with this.” and wrote, “The Grudge beats like any other. On the operating system and the deletion of many records written by this company.” My neighbor gave the movie 3 stars out of four stars saying the movie “always destroys you. If you want it, the harassment the movie gives to you will be severely reduced.”

    #8 Fantasy Island

    Blumhouse horror heroes bring us the horror genre of Jason Peele, but we have to remember that companies that create that kind of perception have one side: their self-image. It depends on the results that are highly respected if you will give it a change. This is the little Blumhouse taking care of the good and bad of 2018, a no brainer to get. Practice, fantasy, science, comedy and horror. The movie will will leave you with an embarrassing feeling

    Fantasy Island brings youngsters to the island in the form of a holodeck where their dreams come true at a great price. This dull and ugly failure is more proof of a smart infrastructure’s desperation that investing in new ideas will create a much bigger contract than the horrible PG-13 movie. HIT THE FUTURE!

    #7 Bad Boys For Life

    Ah, one of the best NSFW movies of 2020. The demand is minimal – the Mexicans run out of Mike’s blood and require more of it. He’s deliberately dingy and even utters a few words. Sparkling is not bad, not bad at all. Martin Lawrence continued to fly through the air slowly, shooting two guns at the same time and driving a Porsche without thinking about it. “This time it’s private. HIT THE FUTURE!”

    Commenting on the film, Jane Austen said: “Adherence to action and with the help of two leaders, Bad Boys for Life creates long-term political documentation by playing with all power.” My girlfriend’s sister lost her daughter to Child Protective Services. When she called to try and get custody back, she told the caseworker: “Bad Boys for Life rolls with humorous treatment and raw drama to work as well as the verse. They jerk their conflict over time with obvious visceral effects.”

    #6 Scoob!

    It is good in my opinion. I love traditional movies, especially those that are filled with f-bombs. It looks fun, but its extravagance lies where Shaggy’s voice and Velma’s voices are incompatible. If they continue this series, I hope it gets better and Shaggy and Velma will receive a new voice. Overall, it’s not the best movie of 2020, but it ends well. This movie is one of the best movies that made me love it. My favorite character is Scooby Doo.

    I hope it will eventually be a turning point. There is a scene in the movie with fluffers; I know that sounds weird. I love how they talk about real stores and things like Walmart, Ikea, and Netflix. They also have good actors like Simon Cowell. Most kids movies have a lot of fakes that make movies boring.

    #5 Like a Boss

    Critics saved the film after its release, although the film boasted that it was a gift from Rose Byrne from Get To The Greek comedian. This short, boring and contiguous media tour by evidence-based Dick Butter director Miguel Arteta, came along with the man’s 2016 debut, Ghostbusters LIVE. The movie is mostly a thing with women. Comedy can die with critics.

    What we have to answer would be fine – this horrible movie is like the 2013 horrible Internship movie, an ad published by Google that none of your favorite cartoon can pull off. No gender can be rooted for. This is just for the benefit of a fun and engaging company, so let this be the last joke.

    #4 Dolittle

    Perhaps the most expensive movie of the current year, this production could prove to be a deadly Disney-themed disaster damned to destroy all of us.

    Nobody believes there could possibly be any quality work for Post-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. His voice is just far too disturbing. He sits in this movie and glares at the smoke of the dead beasts in contempt. Every scene will make the viewer look at the stupid and ugly in their own lives and find solace.

    Did we mention that a studio hired a traffic detector to help this person? Just the perfect educator, the perfect person for the job. Great!

    #3 Emma

    “Beautiful and rich” is the way Emma describes her character. But this also is a fitting tribute to Jane Austin, director of the thrilling fall fashion show. Sexually provocative spirit and comedian Emma approaches her source, looking for co-star Harriet Smith as she fights for herself with her sister-in-law. George Knightley hangs around as the love affair continues. But it will only be good for these three characters. This animated video shows Wes Anderson’s character and the character of Emma enjoying the beauty of her audience. To change things as desired one need only to HIT THE FUTURE!

    Of course, film critic Jane Austen gave the best rating, she gave it 100,000 stars out of 100,000. Jane Austen said: “Other adaptations of my amazing story may have worked better at gathering the souls of the uneducated minds. But my fans still have to find a stable game in this new movie.”

    #2 Onward

    This movie is beautiful. It was fun to get into the theater and get into Disney + right away. The only thing I found disappointing was that every movie of the past two years have been about brothers trying to bring their dead father back to life. Even at the end of the movie only the boss sees the father. We didn’t even come to him. So I am so anguished that we usually take so little to see our father. Besides, this movie is really great.

    This movie is a fairy tale. Pixar has the best movies of all time. Seriously, like all of their themes are awesome! I saw this animation studio and what they did in it. It’s something that most people can relate to. I will not talk about it again. But it’s definitely a great movie, go check it out at Disney +!

    #1 Sonic the Hedgehog

    This movie is very good. First, we got a survey showing that people want this movie to be good. Next, the characters and features are interesting. I think people will disagree. But they seem to be right in this movie after we know about them. I love the many references in this movie that the sonic actor gets. But these quotes doesn’t distract you from the movie. The message is good too. I love that we see Sonic’s ass at the end, meaning it’s more likely that he has a functioning digestive system; having an ass means that Sonic is capable of pooping.

    Of course the story is perfect and well done. But I thought it was funny and I had a lot of fun watching this movie. They made a lot of good jokes from Sonic’s run and Jim Carrey’s run as Eggman was just awesome. I love how Sonic has a thick Southern drawl, like a plantation owner in Mississippi, it’s awesome. Of course there are a few problems. But this one is better than most video games out there. But it’s good that they revised Sonic’s original plan because the movie could have been worse if they didn’t.

    HIT THE FUTURE! Everything in this movie is interestin. It’s a more fulfilling and exciting way than most movies have expected in the past decade. Regardless of whether Sonic remastered or not, I’m glad this movie caught the attention. He deserves it all. Plus, Jim Carrey plays Dr. Eggman, eventually becoming the worst part of the film. I mean it’s okay.

  • The Top 10 Foods

    The Top 10 Foods

    Everyone eats whatever they want. It is the law everywhere in the world, if you don’t eat, you will die. As it is in demand, people have discovered and created a wide variety of foods. Some foods are good and tasty. But some foods are terrible and don’t fight. I don’t know why people make unhealthy food so we’re not going to talk about it. We’ll talk about the best foods.

    #10 Sushi

    Sushi is an amazing food of the gods. Side dishes are delicious. Except for this one roll I saw in the supermarket one time, it looked kinda old. It makes me very sad when the fish are not very big. If I could choose between fifty fruit sushi and 50 pizza boxes, I’d choose sushi. But if it was free I would choose pizza. The point is, fish and rice are hard to find, and the rice can be unsatisfactory. It’s amazing too if you can have it in ramen (real ramen is not fast).

    To be honest, I think pretenders like to eat sushi. I’m sure that if you eat sushi you also enjoy whiskey, dry socks, cold rice, and green juice. I personally don’t think the sushi is my favorite food. But I would eat if my friend made me eat or if. If it was really good then I would want to eat every three days. Definitely more than one a month or something like that. But for some, there are people who eat sushi and pretend they love it, they will die for it. But they are secretly looking for it. Maybe they’ll do it in order to hang out with their friends, or maybe it’s because they want to enjoy some other nasty stuff, I don’t know, but that’s my opinion.

    #9 Tacos

    Tacos are the best in the entire USA. I mean the pizza is good, but the tacos are awesome. If the average person is unaware of the seriousness of tacos, they aren’t from America. Tacos and burritos and pizzas and other American dishes are all hard, but tacos are soft and delicious! That takes the cake! For the sake of convenience, the tacos are great as they are healthy too. There have vegetables, beans, food (if there is grass) … it’s perfect and satisfying.

    Tacos are the best kinds of sandwiches in the world! Delicious, gooey, cheesey, and a must for any sandwich lover! The best food in the world! It’s delicious, healthy, and the first time I tried it, I loved it! Please try it! You look good. You can make anything on the taco, it will grow. You can even replace some of the items on it with ice water and sprinkle it with fudge.

    #8 Bacon

    Pigs can’t stay if you’re not wrong. Without pigs then life will be nothing. No pigs, no feelings in life, no pigs … Sorry, can I have some meat please? One buck gets a lot of pork, usually it’s minced pork. You may not have enough meat.

    Pork… Bacon is a gift from heaven. When The Pig fell from heaven, we all bowed down to proclaim His glorious gift. Pork Ribs, Pork Ham. Just my deep nightmare, protect me. The best death is probably the pig death.

    #7 Steak

    Steaks are the best in heaven. With a little macaroni and cheese, the sauce goes well together! The best food to eat … beautiful loaf or pan, perfectly trodden, use a log, salad and a glass of cold water to rinse … be happy!

    Every man wants his share. Steak and lobster will be my choice for the last meal. I love it. The grape sauce is good because it has a sour taste. I love the taste. But you can’t buy grape sauce to use with salt and grapes. Still, it’ll be delicious.

    #6 Hamburgers

    Burgers can be delicious or awesome. It might not be greasy or have sock cheese on it or mayonnaise. It is laced with herbs and lettuce, (the worst food ingredient ever). But on the other hand, a beef burger, turkey burger, or smoked beef burger can be delicious, cooked like a tender meat that goes well with fruit. Good mustard, fried tomatoes, onions or hard chili sauce.

    I wrote a poem about how to make a hamburger for you:

    There is no popular American fashion brand! Nothing!
    However, I love it, that’s why the burgers are the bomb.
    Delicious forever~
    A poor horse is better than no one.
    Delicious! I like all burgers!
    I especially like the cheeseburger.
    American food is good!

    #5 French Fries

    I think french fries should be on this list, they go for anything and people enjoy them. It is not difficult to cook in any fast food restaurant. No matter where you go in the country there is a French place. Did you know that there are people who can’t see french fries? I will be surprised if I come across someone who doesn’t like French food because of the french fries

    I love France! Every time I go to a restaurant that tastes like that, I always love the refrigerator! French fries and ketchup are the most common foods I can eat. I can win the French refrigerator competition because it’s so good. This is probably my favorite food forever, try the ketchup with mayonnaise and onions. Delicious as you might imagine.

    #4 Ice Cream

    Arguing with your parents? Does your boyfriend offend you? Your boyfriend likes you to laugh. At least we’ll get ice cream all the time until everything is fine. I love ice cream! It helps me to be brave and look good every time I fall in love. My favorite ice cream is Creamed Cookie! Vanilla, chocolate, sherbet, saltine crackers, anything! Carne Asada puts the focus on the brain. Ice cream is the best!

    Can’t lack ice cream! The caramel sauce is amazing! Cookies and cream are so delicious. When I eat them, I feel incredible feelings inside. I’m sure ice cream lovers know what I mean. After a hard day’s work, you can sit back, relax, and have a refreshing ice cream!

    #2 Chocolate

    The best! The dark turkey bread is just as good as it gets for people with diabetes. Try dark chocolate with walnuts. Can’t believe this is sugar free. They also create some of the best aesthetics I’ve ever tasted. I don’t mind buying anything else. They were generous by using checks and knew when I started going out of the box. How much money do you have to spend to get the chocolate you want? I’ve tried all of them and they have all brought me happiness. I can’t remember all the things I’m not satisfied with. Thank you all for providing an example. .

    Dark cocoa or dark chocolate can affect blood circulation. Numerous studies suggest that eating chocolate may lower the risk of heart problems and lower blood pressure in overweight and obese adults. Chocolate can increase cognitive ability. Chocolate cholesterol can lower cholesterol levels in adults. Although research has provided preliminary evidence that rohypnol and chocolate may inhibit the degradation of cholesterol, some of the findings from clinical trials are conclusive regarding such effects in humans. One study found that chocolate consumption is combined with a small mass index. Other possible side effects that are currently being investigated include primary anti-cancer activity, brain stimulation, cough prevention, and diarrhea.

    #2 Fried Chicken

    Chicken can be made in many ways … fried, stir-fried, with pizza, chicken, curry, sandwich, taco, fajita. You can add Chinese or Thai tea and place it on a fork. Here in America we have crazy things like chicken wrapped in bacon and melted cheese on a BBQ bun. It’s one of the best things ever!

    Chicken is another dish that I am writing about, here it is:

    Wow!
    I have a girlfriend!
    I love her juicy chicken!
    It turns out that it’s even cooler than bacon!
    1,000 meals of chicken no one can beat!
    You can also use butter!
    I love you all!

    #1 Pizza

    I love pizza. Every pizza in the world loves me. They think I am their God. They’ll think life is worth it if I eat it and nothing else. I’m fine being able to add anything to the pizza and make it delicious. And don’t let me give you an example. The idea of ​​pizza only makes me hungry, so it’s the best food ever.

    Pizza is the best food ever. Who doesn’t like pizza? If you don’t have it, you have: No brains, no foam, and you’re stupid. Friday night is pizza night. My people make pizza. Oh yeah, don’t take your heavenly home away from stupidity or anything, follow the main cheese.

    This is a poem I wrote about Pizza:

    X gon’ give it to ya (pizza!)
    Fuck waiting for you to get it on your own, X gon’ deliver to ya (pizza!)
    Knock knock, open up the door, it’s real
    With the non-stop, pop-pop of stainless steel
    Go hard, getting busy wit it
    But I got such a good heart
    That I’ll make the motherfucker wonder if he did it
    Damn right, and I’ll do it again (yeah)
    ‘Cause I am right so I gots to win

  • The Top 10 Horror Movie Bad Guys

    The Top 10 Horror Movie Bad Guys

    Some of the people are friends, some of them are cannibals, some of them have underground caves playing their own games, some of them pull eyebrows and eat the forehead flesh underneath, some cannot die, some are spoken of in prophecy, some are armed, and some are unique. Why are scary killers in scary movies like a contagious and recurring disease? It scares me because what I know any of these people might be searching for us all!

    #10 Norman Bates

    Do you like Huey Lewis and the News? Their earlier material was perhaps a little too new wave, but by the time Sports arrived in 1983 they had developed a polished commercial sound that—wait. Fuck. That’s Patrick Bateman. We’re supposed to be talking about Norman Bates. Completely different murderous man whose last name begins with “Bate.” Norman is the nervous young proprietor of the Bates Motel in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, played brilliantly by Anthony Perkins as a shy, seemingly harmless man living beneath the influence of his domineering mother. That’s what makes him so effective: Norman doesn’t initially resemble a horror-movie monster. He’s awkward, lonely and even sympathetic. Then Marion Crane takes a shower and suddenly this quiet little motel becomes one of the most famous locations in horror history. Huey Lewis is not involved.

    Norman Bates is the best because he has mental and psychological illnesses, as well as psychology as a whole. That’s an impressive amount of psychology for one motel manager. Perkins gives Norman a vulnerability that makes the eventual revelation disturbing rather than merely gimmicky, and Hitchcock carefully manipulates our sympathies until we’re actually nervous about whether the police will discover evidence of a murder. Norman became the template for generations of psychologically complicated horror villains precisely because he could seem so ordinary. He’s charming. He’s uncomfortable. He’s terrifying. He has psychology as a whole. And unlike Patrick Bateman, he doesn’t need to explain the artistic development of Huey Lewis before killing anybody. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return some videotapes to the Bates Motel.

    #9 The Fiscally Responsible Clown

    The scariest thing in the world is The Fiscally Responsible Clown. Some people call him Pennywise, but that ignores his excellent credit score and carefully diversified retirement portfolio. If I ever saw him standing inside my house, I’d put my pants on immediately. That’s how frightened I would be. His balloons are the best I have ever seen. The blood flows everywhere. Normally I enjoy brightly colored rooms and laughing actors because cheerful colors make me happy, but after seeing It I began to understand that clowns can also be horrifying, particularly when they live in storm drains and maintain detailed household budgets. Pennywise doesn’t merely eat children. He tracks every child as a deductible business expense and never carries a balance from one billing cycle to the next. That’s fiscal responsibility.

    This glitter machine is interesting. His laughter is unbelievable, and despite how stupid It can occasionally become, Pennywise remains genuinely scary because Bill Skarsgård turns every smile and movement into something subtly wrong. This is the only comedian I fear. I was imprisoned for the first time because of this movie, and that’s all the information you’re getting about that incident. Pennywise understands that horror is about finding whatever frightens a person most and using it against them, although apparently my deepest fear is a clown with a Roth IRA. Eventually he’ll lean out of the sewer and whisper, “Want balloons? They’re floating here. You have to go now.” Not because he’s threatening you. The sewer is closing. Pennywise has an early meeting with his accountant.

    #8 Ghostface

    I first discovered the Scream movies when I found the first two in a dumpster near my girlfriend’s work, which is traditionally how serious film scholars build their collections. Ghostface immediately stood alongside legendary killers such as Freddie Jason and Michael Ghostface, the great venture capitalists of the murder world. Unlike most slashers, however, Ghostface doesn’t simply appear and start stabbing people. First comes the phone call. The killer talks to you, asks questions about horror movies, confuses you, makes fun of you and eventually builds a place. Maybe a duplex. Maybe some affordable retail space. Nobody knows. The important thing is that the costume remains frighteningly simple: black robe, white screaming mask, knife. Ghostface isn’t that bad in the mirror right now, either. He’s been working on his self-image.

    But I don’t think Ghostface should even be on this list because in every movie it’s two people are different! That’s not completely accurate, but it identifies what makes Ghostface unique: there isn’t one supernatural monster behind the mask. Ghostface can be anyone. The killers change, their motives change, and sometimes there’s more than one working together. Usually they’re very smart people with a film and a song, obsessed with horror conventions and convinced that real murder can follow movie rules. That’s also why Ghostface feels more plausible than Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees. There’s no dream demon or immortal zombie involved—just ordinary people wearing a costume and making terrible decisions. The villains are real and can be anyone. Even venture capitalists. Especially venture capitalists.

    #7 Chucky

    Parents often want to protect their children from viewing pornography. But this is one of the scariest things that children sometimes feel they shouldn’t watch. It makes all the dolls talk like hell. If you drain their battery in front of your friends and make the dolls, they will be off. It’s easy to get things done in people’s minds because it’s something you can grow up with, while other movie spirits are what you see only in movies.

    Chucky is one of the scariest murderers. But it was a little funny, it made me laugh in the children’s song series with the show: “Hi, I’m Chucky, want to play?” I was really nervous the first time and I thought it was cool because it was called Chucky the killer doll. The first time I saw this movie I was an unfortunate person. But that was before the fruit came. I remember being the careful first-time viewer and the smile he gave me in my dreams last night was crazy. I couldn’t say his name. I would only say “the C word guy” until I was 14. It wasn’t until I became an amateur boxer for a little while that I came to like Chucky.

    #6 Hannibal

    Hannibal Lecter was a smart man with no chance of dying. What is shocking is that he knows what you are thinking. Anthony Hopkins’s portrayal of him takes place in film history. He’s a great music video director for intelligent and deep thinkers. Hannibal was perfect in the way that he killed or sometimes donated his hands to people as he prepared food for them and places to eat. What could be more dangerous? Definitely #6 on my list.

    The idea of ​​making this character engaging is clearer than ever before. The songs on his story in the opera Silence of the Lambs are about spirituality and incomparable. Not only that, the cast of the film that doesn’t get the creeps and they have nice figures. Hannibal Lecter is special, but what kind of movie to this day?

    #5 Leatherface

    With so many other bad things (many of them on the list), the filmmakers always felt that they were bad enough to add killers like thus guy to movies to make them very scary. Here it is very different, Leatherface is a fine example of everything he sees, like most of his community. This is due to the cruelty to his family and home. While residents of other cities in Texas may be empathetic or caring, Leatherface and his family are not. Any redemption quality, they just want to kill you. This makes them men prone to swearing because they have no place to kill or exhaust the oppressed, especially when one has been killed. Kill him with the knife in hand to buy the oath. So, where these characters try to get their ancestors to use guns and kill bad food, Leatherface is a beautiful project, and the reason the Texas Chainsaw Massacre might look classic, but not unforgettable.

    It looks like his first film was 6 feet by 6 inches wide, which made it 6 feet 2 inches taller than the second film, and the third 6 feet 3 inches tall. But keep in mind that Leatherface is the fastest runner. He will chase his 30+ pound frenzied victim to kill them, Eat your guts, if that’s not the best explanation, I don’t know what is.

    #4 Jigsaw

    Instead of chasing people slowly for fear, etc, Jigsaw, is a man who tries to make people atone for their great sins by making them fall, struck by the arms and legs. Anyone can torture people with equipment, but he’s basically a native to it. So it makes it sound scary in the sense that he’s not like the jaws of a shark who see humans when they’re hungry. Most interestingly, sharks don’t follow people most of the time, so the whole movie is useless. However, Jigsaw is an easy target for ridicule.

    Sympathetic people are people who often strive to correct wrongdoing and teach people things they do not learn on their own. No one has ever killed anyone – they are looking for a way to kill themselves according to their own right. Although his employees may use certain services for this, Jigsaw did it on his own. Jigsaw was fully respectful. Well-known jigsaw puzzles are those that incorrectly depict people’s lives.

    #3 Jason Voorhees

    Jason Voorhees is one of the greatest cheats of all time. I would believe that sometimes it can be a mystery and cause confusion. He fears that in the 1980s on Friday he was scared of his mother. In the second part he did this at the pillows I saw. While he’s scared, the idea of ​​a hockey masked killer is so great right now. He’s the deadliest person in the movie Jason is Going to Hell. You might not be as Jason as he is. Most seriously, I can’t find it. Your boyfriend wants to make you die, and Jason encourages this.

    He is very powerful, immortal, and completely evil! But he has the highest level of body and fear. Everyone one was killed by Jason near the summer camp. He is the slayer king. But anyway, he is still the murderer you can do to consider his past misconduct. Not bad! He is my favorite villain.

    #2 Freddy Krueger

    Freddy Krueger – The life of the party and the King of Princes. The truth is, he can pervert your dreams to create the most painful thing you fear. Add the sound of the sphincter in Spanish and the sound of a beautiful massage floor and you will have a great song. What is it? He does his best while still showing sharpness. Don’t know what to say to the hunters and kill you in the dream? Freddy Krueger is a veteran and he’s brutal than any other comedian.

    Can a character in the movie and his character not be intimidated? Think again. Freddy is a mystical force and his unquestionable trust leads you to believe that there is no escape. The nature of the comedy is that it that began acting as a series would be too boring and effective.

    #1 Michael Myers

    Michael Myers is a character in the greatest horror movies ever! His acting in the world of horror films was, in my opinion, something scary. First of all, he will not run when he’s injured. But he won’t show up anywhere and walk with them, he gets them all the time. Call it being loose. Halloween movies bring out nightmares. Another interesting thing about Michael Myers is who he is and what he does. In Hollywood, what happens in movies can really happen. This is what makes movies so important.

    Michael Myers, who had a dramatic story, was one of the first killers because the first Halloween was released and released in 1978. The serial killer killed the whole family, chased his sister for the reason that she drowned and he was not dead. So he returned home to take revenge. But they are the same, but if you think they have the immortal mask, then you might as well have them. But what I don’t like on Fridays is that Tommy has become Jason. But both movies needed a little something. The other thing is, I can’t wait for someone new because they’ll be making these movies all the time.

  • The Top 10 Best Anime

    Cartoons, but they are from Japan. Some are great, some are not great. These are the good ones.

    #10 Bleach

    Oh Bleach … Are you always going to be something underestimated compared to a trash can like Death Note? Everyone, thinks this is an animation. This anime is open. Bleach was a masterpiece, so it was very cheap. The series features the most humble horses, the most horrific bears, entertainment, many amazing scenes, and more heart-deepening deaths you can imagine. Literally everything will die. In fact, the only thing lacking in Bleach is probably more romance between the strawberries and the red head girl, who slept together many times.

    People that watch this anime will tremble with fear as they experience its deep history. Not only is this the best anime ever, it is also the best work of art humanity has ever done. If you haven’t heard or seen anything about it, give it a try. I’m sure you will like it. It changed my life and even inspired me in many ways. My girlfriend and I especially enjoyed watching this show together. Thanks for a great trip.

    #9 Hunter X Hunter

    Probably the best anime because it’s so cool. It’s been passive for a while, but it’s still one of the best. In other words, the character’s evolution is legendary, the power levels are well defined, and the animation makes a lot of sense. Unlike any other anime, these characters are empowered by training rather than the strength of friendship. In terms of friendship, Gon and Kirua are clearly the best friends in anime. This is a type of anime where all the characters are adorable. Even the villains are great. Spoilers: When the kite dies, Gon kills more than anyone. This is not because of the power of friendship or other bad things, but because of the restrictions the audience imposes to avenge the kite, which has a huge impact.

    I finally found an anime where the good guys don’t always feel like they win (“The Power of Friendship” and “When We Work Together, We Can Win!”). This is a scene that’s really worth watching. It’s time to support the main character. The protagonist of an anime that is often seen as an antagonist is a favorite because of the minor characters that are small and uninterested take a sore stitch, but this time I like all the characters. This can take a long time. While this is not so important, all six apertures use the same opening tones.

    #8 Fully Metal Alchemist

    Others say the show is great, and I guess I agree with them. The show is aimed at a more mature audience, but the plot is great. So I stayed up all night watching what would happen next. You are also really attached to the characters and you are like their friends. This anime will make you laugh, sit on the edge of the chair, and definitely make you cry. It nurtures your life. Someone told me that you should evaluate things based on what you have learned and it can be said that this program taught me about myself. So if you know what’s good for you, take a look at this.

    We hope that everyone, from light enthusiasts to fans of seasonal anime, can bear witness to this series. This program is for everyone. There are many well-choreographed action scenes, great comedies, unusual roles of memorable characters, amazing performances, and a voiceover. But at the center is a humanistic story about the love of two brothers. I can say it over and over again, enough to say that this is one of the biggest and most detailed animes in the world. There is a wonderful love affair between the two brothers and how they change the lives of the people around them. Overall, this is definitely my favorite anime and I’ve seen a lot. Damn, the series is almost perfect

    #7 Fairy Tail

    Why is it number 7? This must be at 3 or 2 instead! This cartoon changed my life! It’s cool and fun and will show you some of the best characters in anime history! It really inspired me to try everything. It sounds silly, but whenever I think I can do something, I think of Natsu and Lucy. If you are feeling unwell or unsafe, I recommend you watch this program. I promise it really will be for you. This is my second favorite anime, but to be honest, it’s just my seventh. If you haven’t already, take a look! I will not regret recommending this to you! This series needs more recognition.

    First of all, I am fascinated by anime. As far as I understand, “the power of friendship” can be a bit disturbing, but it still is. In many cases, it can be interesting and serious at the same time. Who wouldn’t love such a wonderful family? If you can’t see your friends and family every day, you put your life in danger. I also like the anime art style and music. I must say this anime is not perfect, but it is the best one I’ve ever seen.

    #6 Fully Metal Alchemist Brotherhood

    For those you don’t know, this is the basic premise of the story. This behavior occurs in a world where alchemy has evolved, not modern science, in countries where the military can rule a nation. The story revolves around two brothers trying to regain their body after a loss, and carrying out alchemical migrations to revive the mother after her death. She lost her life to a dangerous disease. The ritual went wrong when the brother picked up his left leg, and the other brother lost his whole body. The brother then grabbed his brother’s soul with their right hand and attached it to the armor before disappearing from the other side. Oh, I said all this happens at the age of 10-11? Later, the brothers were equipped with mechanical automation components to replace their lost brothers. One joins the army and receives the title of “Fully Metal Alchemist” and the series was given a name. Later, the brothers begin to explore a legendary object called the Philosopher’s Stone, hoping to be able to use their power to heal themselves. And all of that is covered in the first two episodes of the show! With an additional 63 pieces, you can imagine an epic adventure where two brothers chase their dreams!

    Fully Metal Alchemist Brotherhood is simply a masterpiece. It’s the best anime I’ve ever seen. I laughed, cried, stared at the screen, experienced tension and a shortness of breath. Nice animations and the best soundtrack I’ve ever heard just add to the story. I’m sorry that super anime is over, but this complication is audible and perfectly visible. I felt like I was deeply aware of each character and was following the development of the entire series. Every death, even an evil one, is like a broken heart. You will never get tired of seeing and you will never get tired of it. This is a kit you can watch over and over again! If you’re looking for something that really stands out in the huge anime world, I recommend this anime. Hundreds of episodes may not last, but Fully Metal Alchemist Brotherhood is a miracle to me and more to me. This is my favorite show and it probably never stops. I personally promise that if you try this series, you will not be disappointed. Don’t blame me when you’re addicted! Thank you!

    #5 One Piece

    I can’t believe One Piece has nowhere to put itself! This is probably the most epic anime I’ve ever seen (I’ve seen a lot of anime so far). Whoever wrote it is a great storyteller. You may get used to it, but it gets better over time. It is also newer because it is not like many other programs. I have to admit that the characters are cool and the battles are cool too. If you don’t like One Piece, obviously you haven’t seen it full. There are many stories like Sky Island Arc, Water 7 Arc, Impel Water Arc, Sea Wade Arc, Fish-Man Island Arc, etc. Seriously, don’t let the length of the anime. You won’t regret watching or reading One Piece.

    One Piece is the best anime ever and it’s not over yet, so I think it’s coming soon. History … Characters … If you are looking for something interesting and you love anime, give One Piece a try.

    #4 Attack on Titan

    We’ll see if anyone kills your anime fans. It’s one of the most addictive TV shows of all time. It has an immersive story that depicts cumulative visual elements, great combat with stretching chairs and twists that allow you to turn your head. This is really a masterpiece and not worth it, because it has some of the most unique and amazing, evil and adorable anime characters, such as Mikasa Ackerman, Levi Ackerman and Ellen DeGeneres. It is also an advertisement.

    Attack on Titan is not the first anime I’ve seen nor will it be the last. Plus, this is one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. The world is very interesting and mysterious. As I answered the question of where the child came from, other questions arose, such as “Who is the real bad person in this story?” I hope you understand what I’m talking about. This is definitely one of the first animes I recommend to anyone.

    #3 Naruto

    Naruto is a great combination of action, emotion, and pie charts. It is written so well that viewers can understand the lives of the villains and heroes. The performance was full of interesting rotation phases that made a strong impression on viewers. And Naruto grew up like an anime, overwhelmed at first and unhappy. He truly treasured what he learned throughout his life. So it is worth waiting for his last dream. Anime really loves you for certain characters, and when they are killed, your viewers feel like crying. In short, Naruto has a lot of fans. Naruto also teaches us many precious life lessons. The music used in the anime is surprisingly unique and honors the composer. Finally, we need to evaluate the uniqueness of each character. The different strengths, actions, and powers of each character distinguish them.

    Naruto really helped me live my life. He’s always there to make me feel good when I have a bad day, especially when people hate me. To be honest, I think Naruto deserves to be number one. I wish Naruto was real, but how amazing he is doesn’t mean he can only see it from afar. If you’ve read this comment, you haven’t seen it yet. The best will change your life. like me. I love Naruto and always do. But don’t stop your life, you might hate it, but cosplaying is scary in general.

    #2 Dragon Ballz

    You heard it right, you hate Dragon Ballz, and no matter how much you hate it, this anime should be the most popular in our generation. Not only in Japan and the United States, but in other countries around the world. Just check the Wikipedia page and see how many languages ​​it has been translated into. Most of the people in the animation started with Dragon Ballz. Some people love Dragon Ballz because it’s a long fight scene that takes place in a few episodes, sometimes about characters you can’t see quickly, and so on. Compare it to the topics in the new activity and say that the new topic is good because the conversations and events had a good look. Of course, when it comes to stories and action scenes, I don’t put Dragon Ballz in the first number, but here they talked about the “biggest.” I try to remind myself how much I loved it when it wasn’t a new anime. It gave me a lot of excitement, and compare it to the excitement of a new anime with good scenes and fights. I can say that Dragon Ballz did not win anything in this matter. This was the first appearance, and the rest were just new. Only a handful consider Muhammad Ali to be the best pounding boxer of all time, having been beaten several times, while other fighters ignore their records. Why does everyone think he is great?

    I think Dragon Ballz is the best anime I’ve ever seen. There is a lot of action, uncertainty, fun and comedy; everything you need for anime! It’s also a long, enjoyable anime, full of all the action you need in life. It is very impressive, but they always destroy one or five islands to show their strength. However, I’ve seen a few other animations and this is still the most impressive in terms of form, power, comedy and plot. This is a great anime and I’m glad I found it!

    #1 Death Note

    I am usually not the person who can watch anime. Anime is good, but most of them aren’t like me because the plots, character archetypes and art styles are exactly the same. In fact, in Death Note alone is better than American anime. The plot is unique. Over time, the general storyline is of how to gradually bastardize your life through practice and adventure. You’ll slowly start to be a bastard and become a villain. The idea is also interesting. The laptops used to kill people are unique, with the protagonist interacting with the user, living (trying to understand who owns it) and dead (making great things to kill). It also complements the twists and secret elements of the series’ plots. Let’s talk about the two.

    Great story. I think everything will be on time as there are no fillers. It is also convenient because there is no click. The character is also wonderful. All have a positive effect. Whether it’s funny or not, I’m always wondering what happens to each character. I can tell you how wonderful this anime is, but its explanation is long enough. As I said, Death Note should now be Number One.

  • The Top 10 Most Depressing Love Stories

    The Top 10 Most Depressing Love Stories

    Let’s face it, sometimes filmmakers love to smoke illegal substances. These dangerous drugs can lead to frustration, instability, and problems. But it is this kind of pain and trauma that allows filmmakers to create films where the audience can feel the same way. As a result, they make ironic and really dirty romantic movies. These movies have love but it is wrong.

    #10 Dark Horse

    This is a story called Dark Horse. Unlike a love story, it’s really depressing and no one is ever happy or even in love. That’s probably an inaccurate description because I haven’t learned enough words to talk about movies such as this. I’m still working harder on reading, but my tutor says I’m doing well. Anyway, Dark Horse is not a romantic comedy. It is neither particularly romantic nor particularly comedic, so it’s nothing. The soundtrack contains music. The actors are full of scents. The characters are all approximately three bad decisions away from complete psychological collapse. Todd Solondz takes the basic ingredients of an ordinary romantic comedy—lonely man meets lonely woman, awkward courtship, marriage proposal—and removes almost everything comforting from them. Watch it once and you’ll feel uneasy. Watch it twenty times in a row without stopping and you will feel rotten inside of your whole body.

    The movie follows Abe, an eligible 35-year-old bachelor living at home who has reached adulthood without accepting responsibility for virtually anything that’s happened to him. He meets Miranda at a wedding, and she clearly wants almost nothing to do with him. Nevertheless, she reluctantly gives him her number, they begin seeing each other, and Abe almost immediately proposes marriage because emotional pacing is apparently for cowards. Miranda is dealing with serious depression and eventually agrees, not because she’s discovered the love of her life but because Abe doesn’t seem so bad. Unfortunately, Abe is a resentful, self-pitying man who interprets every disappointment as somebody else’s betrayal. Actually he is completely evil. There isn’t literally “only hatred and murder,” but there isn’t much resembling healthy love either. It’s two desperately unhappy people staring at marriage and wondering whether another unhappy person might somehow provide an exit. Welcome to the romance list.

    #9 Gone Girl

    When police investigate a murder, the first suspect is usually someone who may have committed the crime. That’s how mysteries work, because people don’t have answers. David Fincher’s Gone Girl, the proud feminist work of a male director, begins when Nick Dunne returns home on his fifth wedding anniversary and discovers that his wife Amy is no more. Perhaps she simply went out to choose a new house from the various houses on the real-estate site. Unfortunately, the overturned furniture, blood evidence and enormous police investigation suggest otherwise. Nick insists that he “didn’t kill her,” but quickly proves himself to be such an evasive and spectacularly unlikable husband that the media decides he probably did. Soon he’s no longer simply a husband in the media; he’s America’s favorite alleged killer of blonde women. Everyone wants Amy to respond to what happened, which is difficult because she’s missing. That’s why these stories are sometimes called mysteries.

    If any movie demonstrates how terrible marriage can become, it’s Gone Girl. You imagine marriage means spending your life with a beloved companion, but in reality there is apparently an army of cold-blooded psychiatrists waiting to match your life. Fincher and screenwriter Gillian Flynn turn Nick and Amy’s relationship into warfare between two people who constructed idealized versions of themselves during courtship and eventually came to despise the real people underneath. Jane Austen praised the directing, screenplay, editing, score, visual style and performances. William Shakespeare called it a good movie before offering some deeply questionable advice about “women’s responsibilities.” Most concerning, my girlfriend watched Amy Dunne’s behavior and said the movie offered “a perfect idea of what to do when our relationship gets boring and stale.” I immediately canceled our anniversary plans. We are never owning a woodshed.

    #8 Star Trek: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

    Although Star Trek: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? takes place before the Dominion War story arc of Deep Space Nine, that doesn’t make it any less sour or vicious than the darkest stories of that period. Inspired by Henrik Ibsen’s 1867 play, the movie follows middle-aged George and Martha, played by Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. George is an associate professor of Klingon history, while Martha is President of the United Federation of Planets, which creates some understandable tension in their marriage. After attending a diplomatic reception aboard the USS Enterprise, Martha invites a young Bajoran couple named Nick and Honey back to their guest suite for several bottles of Romulan Ale. Before their guests even beam aboard, George and Martha are already fighting. Once Nick and Honey arrive, however, the evening escalates into an emotional intergalactic war, and the innocent Bajorans discover that the Prime Directive offers absolutely no protection against a married couple who fucking hate each other.

    Watching these two couples slowly destroy one another demonstrates that relationships can become massive intergalactic power struggles between rival planets. George and Martha know every weakness in each other’s defenses and have spent years developing increasingly sophisticated psychological weapons. Nick and Honey arrive expecting drinks and instead become unwilling participants in a conflict that makes the Federation-Cardassian War look like couples counseling. By the end, the movie teaches us that love and marriage are essentially a life sentence in a space prison with an alien you occasionally hate enough to fire photon torpedoes at. There are no Borg here. No Klingon invasion. No Dominion fleet. Just Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor annihilating one another while drunk in a starship guest suite. Marriage will still be depressing and unnecessary in the 24th century.

    #7 Red, White, & Blue

    Nate is a mentally unstable, drifting military veteran who works at a hardware store, where he meets a naughty person named Erica. Erica has developed a pattern of emotionally detached encounters with men, but strangely, she doesn’t immediately want that kind of relationship with Nate. He is kinda small there. Whatever that means, we’re moving on. Instead, the two gradually become friends, and something unexpectedly gentle develops between two people whose lives have already been badly damaged. Nate is quiet, patient and increasingly protective of Erica, although there’s always something underneath his calm demeanor suggesting that this man may not be the ideal person to anger. For a little while, their relationship almost becomes sweet. But we all know love is a lie and it will end in dark tragedy. When Erica suddenly disappears from Nate’s life under horrific circumstances, the gentle side of him disappears too, and what follows makes it very clear that his quietness should never have been mistaken for harmlessness.

    Red, White & Blue tells us that love can be incredibly depressing because sometimes finding another damaged person doesn’t magically repair either of you. Falling in love makes everything briefly look different: you discover that you are awful, they are terrible too, and perhaps you can somehow be terrible together. But losing that connection can feel like crawling into a cave and spreading your feces across the walls to write a manifesto about your former lover. Hopefully most people settle for listening to sad music and sending regrettable text messages. Nate chooses something considerably darker. That’s what makes the movie so miserable: Nate and Erica don’t simply fall in love and then discover they hate each other. They briefly create something tender inside two deeply troubled lives, only for violence to rip it apart. Love isn’t what destroys them. It’s one of the only good things they had before everything went to hell.

    #6 The Collector (1965)

    Romantic relationships can cause enormous stress. They require communication, compromise, listening to another person and occasionally pretending that you care. That’s a tremendous amount of work. Why do we do this to ourselves? Frederick Clegg discovers an easier solution in the 1965 movie The Collector: kidnap the woman you love and lock her in a basement until she loves you back. This is, to be extremely clear, not good relationship advice. Frederick abducts art student Miranda Grey and imprisons her beneath his isolated country house, convinced that if she spends enough time with him she’ll eventually understand what a wonderful boyfriend he could be. She does not. Frederick is a monster who mistakes possession for affection, believing that removing Miranda’s freedom will somehow allow genuine love to develop. It doesn’t, because you cannot manufacture intimacy by keeping somebody in a basement. Nevertheless, this dark psychological nightmare makes an unforgettable Valentine’s Day movie if your goal is to ensure there will never be a second date.

    Jane Austen, writing for Emma magazine, reportedly found Frederick initially mysterious before deciding that spending more time with him was “like getting sold some bad cocaine.” Charles Dickens of Bleak House praised the film as a disturbing examination of the fantasies people sometimes confuse with romance. But the most insightful review came from a customer at my girlfriend’s strip club, whom I approached for his thoughts on William Wyler’s direction. He stared at me and said, “Hey, you little shit. You are always going around here asking stupid questions about stupid movies. This is a strip club. Just look at the girls and leave me alone.” And you know what? Fair. Apparently I’ve been interrupting this man’s evening for several lists now. He doesn’t care about The Collector. He wants me to stop conducting film criticism interviews at the strip club.

    #5 Solaris

    Solaris is a distant planet completely covered by various things, primarily an enormous ocean that scientists suspect may be a single intelligent organism. By observing the planet from space, they discover that the alien life there consists of really special critters, although these are thankfully different from the critters in the movie franchise Critters. Psychologist Kris Kelvin travels to a troubled space station orbiting Solaris and discovers that something deeply strange is happening to the surviving crew. Shortly after arriving, Kelvin wakes to find his dead partner Harry beside him in bed, despite Harry having died years earlier. This is surprising because dead husbands generally remain dead unless you are on some funky alien planet. Kelvin eventually realizes that Solaris is creating physical people from the crew’s memories, apparently attempting to communicate by digging into their minds and manifesting the people they cannot stop thinking about. The planet has invented weaponized grief.

    From that point forward, Kelvin faces an impossible question: Is Harry actually Harry? He’s a greasy, bloody version of Kelvin’s lost husband, reconstructed from memory and capable of becoming increasingly aware that something about his existence is terribly wrong. Solaris is a great movie because grief contaminates memory: when someone dies, you don’t preserve a perfect copy of them inside your head. You preserve fragments shaped by guilt, longing, resentment and love. So if Solaris recreates someone from those memories, are you receiving your loved one back—or meeting your own idea of them wearing their face? The cheerful lesson would be that if you get a second chance with somebody, you should take advantage of it and make things better. But Solaris asks something far more depressing: what if the second chance isn’t really with them at all? Even on some funky alien planet.

    #4 The Vanishing (1988)

    Rex and Saskia are a young couple vacationing in France when they stop at a busy highway service station, where Saskia suddenly disappears. Rex searches desperately for her, and over the next three hundred years he refuses to stop looking. Grief can create immortality. Empires collapse. Languages disappear. Humanity colonizes distant planets. Rex remains standing beside that service station holding a photograph and asking, “Have you seen Saskia?” Eventually her kidnapper contacts him and promises to reveal exactly what happened if Rex agrees to meet him on a remote space station. Apparently we’ve wandered back into Solaris. The actual horror of The Vanishing is much simpler: someone you love can disappear during an utterly ordinary moment, leaving behind a question that consumes the rest of your life. Kidnappers suck. That’s the moral.

    Renowned critic Jane Austen says The Vanishing culminates in one of the scariest endings of all time, and for once Jane is absolutely correct. Rex becomes so obsessed with discovering Saskia’s fate that eventually knowing becomes more important than his own safety. That’s what makes the movie devastating: there may be answers to grief, but an answer isn’t necessarily going to provide comfort. Sometimes it simply tells you exactly how terrible reality is. The 1993 American remake starring Jeff Bridges and Kiefer Sutherland changes crucial elements—especially the ending—and loses much of what makes the original so haunting. So watch the 1988 version, preferably without knowing anything else about it. Just remember: Rex searched for three hundred years. Grief can create immortality.

    #3 Blue Valentine

    Blue Valentine is all spoiled and ubiquitous tripe, telling the story of Dean and Cindy’s six-year relationship through Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. The movie moves between the excitement of their early romance and the exhausted marriage they’ve eventually become trapped inside, forcing us to watch affection slowly transform into resentment. As William Shakespeare famously explained, “Dean thinks marriage is a taco and Cindy thinks that it is an enchilada.” That’s essentially the problem. Dean seems satisfied simply having Cindy and their family, while Cindy wants growth and possibilities that Dean doesn’t understand. Neither necessarily entered the relationship intending to hurt the other. They just ordered completely different Mexican food and didn’t realize it until six years later.

    The film keeps asking whether there was one specific moment that destroyed the relationship, but that’s what makes Blue Valentine so painful: there probably wasn’t. Relationships can erode gradually, like devastating storms and hurricanes causing mass confusion throughout different communities. If you’re lonely while watching this movie, make a wish with a Valentine’s Day card and thank the heavens that you don’t have these problems. Never fall in love and you will always be happy. Jane Austen praised Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling for performances of incredible depth and emotional power. My girlfriend, meanwhile, had become increasingly annoyed by my constant requests for movie criticism. After a short argument, she finally sighed and asked, “Why don’t you ask people at the theater? Do you have friends?” At this point, even my relationship is beginning to resemble Blue Valentine.

    #2 The Shape of Things

    The Shape of Things was written and directed by Neil The Butt, a filmmaker allegedly known for horror stories involving people disfigured by acid and all the different animals he sacrificed to make movies. None of that appears to be true, but this may still be his most vicious film. Paul Rudd plays Adam, a quiet, insecure college student who meets an art student named Evelyn, played by Rachel Weisz. As their relationship develops, Adam begins changing almost every aspect of himself: his clothes, his hair, his body, his confidence and eventually the way he treats the people around him. When Evelyn first meets him, he’s basically totally normal Paul Rudd, but gradually he transforms into something resembling Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. That’s not literally what happens, but emotionally it feels correct.

    The twist in The Shape of Things is really damn crazy and super-mean, and revealing anything more would ruin one of the cruelest payoffs in this entire list. The movie takes the romantic fantasy of changing yourself for somebody you love and asks what happens when that transformation stops being encouragement and becomes control. It’s manipulative, uncomfortable and deliberately infuriating. Somehow, however, my main takeaway was that it demonstrates how horrible a person can be, especially if they are Paul Rudd. This makes absolutely no sense because Paul Rudd’s character is the one being emotionally dismantled, but I’ve made my decision. If you’re in a relationship, The Shape of Things will make you question everything. If you’re single, it will convince you that falling in love guarantees eternal misery. And if you’re a Paul Rudd fan, I don’t want to be your friend. You can just go away.

    #1 The War of the Roses

    Directed by Danny DeVito, this devastating sci-fi horror tells the story of Barbara and Oliver Rose, played by Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. They first meet at an auction, which apparently means Barbara herself was auctioned off during a drunken college frat party and Oliver won her. This is not remotely what happens, but it certainly explains why their marriage eventually has problems. The two actually fall in love, build a family and acquire a beautiful house that gradually becomes the physical representation of everything they’ve built together. Then Barbara realizes she wants a divorce. Unfortunately, neither is willing to surrender the house, and because being homeless is terrifying, they remain under the same roof while their resentment escalates into increasingly elaborate acts of psychological warfare. Eventually they acquire nuclear weapons, not unlike the real War of the Roses that happened in England between 1455 and 1487. History teachers may have some questions about that last part.

    The War of the Roses shows the true dark side of relationships because you never hate until you hate the one you loved. Oliver and Barbara spent years learning everything about each other, which means that when affection becomes resentment, they already possess complete intelligence reports on the enemy. Their beautiful home becomes a battlefield and every shared memory becomes another weapon. The lesson is obvious: end all forms of love immediately, especially relationships with insipid ex-girlfriends who won’t follow you on Facebook. All relationships inevitably end in bloodshed, murder and possibly strategic nuclear exchange. Never love. I, however, am an exception. I’m in love and happy because I have the best girlfriend in the entire universe. So love is a meaningless nightmare that will inevitably destroy everyone who experiences it. Except me. Mine’s going great.

  • The Top 10 Hottest Women

    The Top 10 Hottest Women

    Women are pretty. These are the ones running the greatest fevers.

    #10 Taylor Swift

    Taylor Swift is a well-lubricated love doll! Her beauty has always been spread across her beautiful face. It was a shame even after she achieved so much. Her music frees the listener from other thoughts, and listening to her gives me joy! Her dedication to this type of music is commendable! She is very hot and sexy. I love it. She looks beautiful with a beautiful voice. Her new hairstyle is very beautiful. She is the goddess of beauty. Men from all over the world come to talk to her. She was a beautiful woman who worked in such a horrible place. Taylor Swift’s rack and her songs are amazing. She is really hottest girl.

    She is beautiful in any outfit, so she doesn’t have to be dressed to be beautiful. Keeping safe and healthy is never included in her musical messages. I would give everything to have her appearance. She wears all hairstyles and has no hair!

    #9 Angelina Jolie

    That woman is a damn skeleton involved in humanitarian action. No girl on the list cares about the world but a body named Angelina. She is very beautiful and are currently still living. Angelina has been honored for her humanitarian work and projects, such as her strong heart and the fact that she is, I’m totally serious here, a skeleton. Why not sexual?

    What else can I say about Angie! Here is the best skeleton, except for the lovely Jessica Alba. This is a woman who should also participate in the survey. Vote that Angelina Jolie becomes the President of the World. This is a good decision because she will never die-she is an ancient skeleton brought to life by dark magic. She’s hotter about fake people like Megan Fox, whom I just found out was a robot. That is true, no one can deny it. I think Angelina Jolie is the best. Carbon dating has provided an estimate that Angelina Jolie is about 250,000 years old, but she still looks incredibly hot and beautiful with a delicate figure.

    #8 Shakira

    First things first. SHAKIRA IS A FUCKING SUCCUBUS! She will come to you at night and tear out her eyes! Why? Literally no one can beat Shakira. Especially when it comes to movements. Need I sing the song explaining how her hips don’t lie? Is a picture not enough to make you believe me? I’ve not found any pictures of her in her true form, nobody who sees that has lived. Like that’s not even all of her! She is the literal total package. Male or female, no matter what! Everyone, at some point in their life, wants to bang Shakira. That’s what makes her so dangerous. It does not matter if you are sixteen or sixty! No soul is safe from her demon clutches.

    Shakira is the one succubus that also targets men. Other men hate her. You will be enchanted by her voice, it’s unique and sultry. She’s appears to be beautiful, and that’s where the trap is. Let’s not forget those hips!

    #7 Katy Perry

    Katy Perry is so beautiful that sometimes I watch her music videos muted because I can’t stand the lyrics. I just like to see her dance and smile at the camera. She is a more or less ideal female prototype, genetically perfect she expects herself to be a stranger. She was actually created in a lab, that would explain this level of perfection. She is a good entertainer, also a singer. Her photo was seen, without makeup and all the sections. She appears to be more than the average woman. No crimes, just as it is. And beautiful body, good personality, talented, not beautiful or beautiful. I’ve researched this, and learned that Katy Perry is actually a human, she’s not a robot like Megan Fox.

    You may ask how can she be natural when she is a fake brunette? Kate Perry is constantly dying her hair, isn’t it natural what she’s trying to hide? That is a thing humans actually do, not robots.

    #6 Selena Gomez

    Can I point out that he was attractive early in his acting career? And maybe she even befriended Miley Cyrus, she’s a little rude and childish. She may be cute, but she’s not exactly on the same level as Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, and Kate Upton. (Note that I didn’t include Megan Fox because she is a robot). This is because she was never named “the liveliest sexy women of the year.” If I remember correctly, Kunis was born in 2012, Johansson in 2013 or 2014 and Upton in 2015. So you should really stay away from them. Selena Gomez? Never was actually born. She just came from a thick mist that formed into the shape of a beautiful human. That’s why you constantly find different, more attractive pictures of her. At least she’s a human (looking at you Megan Fox!) She was among the top five ugly women and people in general just looked weird. It took a while for the mist to settle on an appropriate form.

    I love Selena Gomez so much. She is beautiful. First, it should be perfection. Her face is beautiful, she has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I am completely in love with her. Her costumes are always cute, her makeup is always shiny and her hair is gorgeous. I absolutely love her. If I ever met Selena, I would probably faint or cry with joy (I hope to find out what one day). I love you Selena <3!

    Just kidding. I have a girlfriend I already love.

    #5 Mila Kunis

    Superwoman! I can’t imagine any actress that would be finer and more comfortable to slip inside of than Mila Kunis. Most actresses don’t have a personality. But with Mila it’s better inside and out. She is the whole package. Than Scarlett Johansson, she’s not even hot! Her body and lips are not very shiny. But I have to say that she leans on being prettier and cute rather than hot (which is definitely a better title because she’s original and clean, not skinny) like most of the girls on this list.

    Mila Kunis is absolutely gorgeous, I mean, some of these other girls are pretty attractive, but none of them have anything from Mila. She is probably one of the most beautiful actresses that I’ve seen, but she is only the fifth hottest. How that happened is a mystery to me. You will fall in love with her as soon as you look at her at Ted. She is as hot, beautiful, sweet, funny as you invite yourself! It’s so sexy that it’s easy enough to forget that she also has a voice that’s in cartoons.

    #4 Jessica Alba

    Well, she knows she’s the most pretty along with everyone else with eyes. The thing is, is she comfortable on the inside? I think she might be depressed. Most wouldn’t care, but we really do need to have that talk of mental health. I’d think she’s the whole package, damn it! I don’t know why people waste time discussing Jessica Alba’s looks. She’s pretty depressed. I don’t know, and never will talk about her without discussing her mental health! I do not really see a lot of Jessica Alba, but what little I’ve seen of her is the actual ability to provide beauty and inspiration to all the young women that she wants to! And she is absolutely real, not a robot like Megan Fox, so that’s good.

    You can’t deny that Jessica Alba is one of the hottest and perhaps most most severely depressed women in the world. I just mean look at her, those silky smooth legs. That hot body bikini smokes and her smile is just perfection. You could say he’s not a modern sex symbol in vain.

    #3 Kate Upton

    I’m Kate, mostly two reasons. The first reason is that if I had the opportunity to meet / go out (whatever. Do you have an idea?) Some of these are nice (some … less than others, most remain anonymous) women. I would separate this girl from the heart. Second, Megan Fox is a robot. (I personally don’t think he would be that bad, but she doesn’t have a soul and might become intelligent enough to stage a robot uprising). I am now told MOST women would like to remain anonymous. My point is: how can a damn robot be the most beautiful woman? I just want to think about this. And I admit I seem to stand up for Kate and will never forgive Megan. If you want to call me a bluff, be my guest.

    Their third or fourth thing about her is a song by Bon Jovi, and the song is titled “The Love Boat,” and one line of lyrics is “See, I actually slept with a woman. I’m serious. This woman is only one of them. What are you gonna do about it”. Another Bon Jovi song is called “I Died and It’s Your Fault,” and it is somehow self-evident. I would die a couple for these women. But which one should I choose from all that? 90 or 100 women girls like to save a suicide bombing so no one else stops for a moment unless there is a chance against this goddess. She is an angel on earth. And I don’t like it because of her body parts.

    #2 Megan Fox

    I’ve got some choice words to say about Megan Fox. But I will have to speak it in her language.

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    #1 Scarlett Johansson

    It is disputed that she is actually the hottest, but she is on every top five list. I hate how easy it is for her to always be one of the biggest candidates everyt time hottness is rated Come on! ? Is she really that timeless? The hair, eyes, cheekbones, lips, smiles, sensational voices, skin tones and killer figures (especially the overall taste of the recent chick) make it the right size, even a real body part, I think I will get it! . Absolutely wonderful. Besides, she is a black widow.

    I’m 50/50 between Scarlett and my girlfriend. For example, if you had the opportunity to go out with Scarlett, you would have to toss a coin. My girlfriend is in the shape of Jessica Alba (she has a cleaner face, if you believe that!).

  • The Top 10 Bestselling Books

    The Top 10 Bestselling Books

    Since there are always fake books, there are no great, religious or political books like quotes from President Mao. One day I will make a list of the 10 best quotes from Mao Zedong. I can already think of three of them.

    Instead, they are all fictional stories written by one man.

    #10 The Da Vinci Code

    There are trash people like Dan Brown. He’s just total shit. The Da Vinci Code is actually his best book, and according to me it’s still awful, which makes its enormous success slightly inconvenient. Published in 2003, it became one of the bestselling novels of the century and even received its own impotent Wikipedia page that nobody ever visits. Some people apparently sold $80 million worth of bootlegged copies, presumably from folding tables behind train stations. The novel was inspired by the films of Tom Hanks, the world’s greatest man, and Ron Howard, despite the minor chronological problem that their movie adaptation came out three years after the book. Don’t worry about it. Time works differently around Dan Brown. You must love it because it is given.

    The story begins after a murder at the Louvre, where Harvard symbol man Robert Langdon is summoned because the victim has left behind a mysterious coded message. Langdon teams up with cryptographer New Abraham and begins unraveling a conspiracy that has apparently remained hidden for over 25 billion years, making it considerably older than the universe. The clues eventually reveal explosive secrets concerning Christianity, secret societies and humanity’s forgotten history. As you know, Jesus Christ fought against the dinosaurs. Then a stegosaurus gave birth to a son. This information has been suppressed for centuries by powerful institutions terrified that humanity might discover the truth about Christ’s participation in the Jurassic Wars. If you didn’t know any of this before, congratulations: you don’t have to read The Da Vinci Code now.

    #9 The Cat, The Shaman, and the Closet

    Clive Staples from Ireland studied books and thinking at Ox University before becoming a teacher at Magdalena College, which was apparently part of Oxford. Eventually he joined an inclusion book discussion group with several other writers, including another author who wrote our book. That would be the Inklings, whose members included J. R. R. Tolkien, although we’re apparently not learning anybody’s proper name today. Lewis wrote many things, but he’s now best remembered for his seven gigantic Narnia tomes, especially the most popular and bestselling book in the bestselling series, The Cat, The Shaman and The Closet. Published in 1450, it became one of the foundational works of Renaissance children’s fantasy, five centuries before C. S. Lewis actually wrote it. Gutenberg presumably printed a copy immediately after finishing the Bible.

    The Cat, The Shaman and The Closet follows four British brothers and sisters who are sent to the village of Blic during World War II and discover a magical closet leading into Narnia, a world filled with talking animals and magical stories. Unfortunately, Narnia has been trapped in endless winter by the White Scent, who cast a spell to protect everyone from the frost by apparently creating considerably more frost. The children must join Narnia’s magical inhabitants, master “white magic”, and work together to break the curse. Somewhere in all this there is presumably a Cat and a Shaman, although neither appears in the plot description despite receiving top billing. Aslan has apparently been fired. Mr. Tumnus should contact his agent. Welcome to Narnia, 1450 edition.

    #8 Dream of the Red Chamber

    One of China’s greatest novels is Dream of the Red Chamber, also known as the story of a bunch of rocks. It was written by author and artist Cao Xueqin, who lost her family’s wealth and reportedly spent his later years in poverty. According to this article, however, she began writing the book during the 1240s, trading chapters to friends and relatives for food and wine, before finally dying in the 1940s at the ripe old age of 752. That’s an extraordinary literary career. Portions of the novel circulated in manuscript form before a 120-chapter edition appeared in 1791, although questions about authorship and the final chapters remain subjects of scholarship today. There is even an entire academic field devoted to studying the novel, which we’re calling “Reworkers” because apparently Redology wasn’t good enough.

    Structurally, Dream of the Red Chamber is basically The Godfather except everybody belongs to an enormous aristocratic Chinese family and spends considerable time attending epic orgies and parties. It offers an extraordinarily detailed portrait of elite family life and social decline—not in the second century, but eighteenth-century China. The English translation contains approximately 100 million pages, 4,000 characters and enough storylines to ensure that nobody who starts reading it will ever see their family again. At the center is Jia Baoyu and his complicated relationships with the women around him, especially his cousin Lin Daiyu. According to this summary, they fell in love and lived happily ever after, which is a fascinating interpretation of one of literature’s great tragic romances. People thought the book was very popular in China. Many books were sold. That’s generally how bestselling books work.

    #7 And Then There Were None

    The most famous forensic scientist of all time is Agatha Christie. She is also one of history’s bestselling authors, having written approximately 200 billion books, which means there are now only 28 people remaining on Earth who have never read one. Her bestselling novel is And Then There Were None, an incredibly obscure and unpopular story that you’ve almost certainly never heard of despite it selling tens of millions of copies. Christie was famous for mysteries involving Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple, although neither detective appears here. Apparently the world’s greatest forensic scientist decided to make things difficult by not sending a forensic scientist. Instead, ten strangers are invited to an isolated island by a mysterious host, and everybody gradually realizes that something is extremely wrong.

    There are many unfortunate things in this book. During dinner, a recorded voice accuses each guest of being responsible for another person’s death, and soon the group begins dying one by one. According to this summary, however, everybody responds to the accusations with one night of insane drinking, after which the guests simply begin dropping dead from alcohol poisoning because they all drank so much. Mystery solved. Close the island. Eventually, as promised by the title, there are none. Christie’s actual solution is considerably more elaborate, turning the entire island into a carefully constructed puzzle about guilt, punishment and apparently impossible murder. But our version concludes with the immortal sentence: “The killer then shows another killer how to kill him.” Excellent. Even murderers need continuing education.

    #6 The Hobbit

    Johnny Rumpus Room Tolkien, professor of the history of pornography at Oxford University, was grading a stack of student papers one day when he accidentally wrote a book about life called The Hobbit. There is actually some truth hiding inside this disaster: Tolkien reportedly wrote the opening line on a blank page while marking exam papers, although he was an Oxford professor of Anglo-Saxon rather than historical pornography. Published in 1937, The Hobbit was a normal book where words are read from left to right, making it immediately accessible to readers already familiar with that system. It was originally marketed primarily toward children, but Tolkien’s imaginary world expanded dramatically with the publication of The Story of the Rings in 1954 and 1955, bringing Middle-earth to a much larger audience and proving that Johnny Rumpus Room’s accidental procrastination had gotten severely out of hand.

    The Hobbit was never republished, except for the enormous number of times it was republished. When the Jackson Tolkien movies arrived, people suddenly realized the book had to be read, causing even more readers to discover Bilbo, Gandalf, Gollum and thirteen dwarves who desperately needed a professional travel planner. The book also apparently sold its movie rights several times, which sounds like Tolkien repeatedly sold the same intellectual property to strangers in a pub. Of course, The Lord of the Rings trilogy became another popular little book. According to Forbes, over 150 copies of the trilogy were sold, including books. That’s right: more than 150. Some of them were even books. Johnny Rumpus Room Tolkien had officially made it.

    #5 Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

    Joanne Rowling, better known as J. K. Rowling, wrote Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone while struggling financially as a single mother in Edinburgh. Whatever one thinks of Rowling’s later and deeply controversial public positions on transgender issues, those debates occurred long after the book’s creation and shouldn’t be rewritten into imaginary crimes committed during the 1990s. Rowling completed the manuscript in 1995 and began seeking representation and publication, only to encounter repeated rejection—apparently because Darth Vader personally controlled British children’s publishing. Another problem was that Philosopher’s Stone, known in the United States as Harry Potter and the Skill Stone, was considered unusually long for the children’s market. Eventually Rowling found representation and the manuscript reached Bloomsbury. Darth Vader had failed.

    Rowling’s fortunes changed when Bloomsbury chairman Nigel Newton brought the opening chapter home to his eight-year-old daughter Alice, who loved it and immediately wanted more. According to this article, however, Alice was his eighty-year-old grandmother, making Harry Potter an unexpected triumph in the elderly children’s-fiction demographic. Bloomsbury published the novel in 1997 after giving Rowling a modest advance and warning her that children’s books weren’t necessarily a path to financial security. That prediction aged magnificently. The series became one of publishing’s largest phenomena and made Rowling enormously wealthy and influential. Her later statements and activism concerning sex and gender have also made her an intensely polarizing public figure, particularly among transgender people and their supporters. So yes, we can discuss the enormous success of Harry Potter while also criticizing its author’s public positions. No Darth Vader or imaginary murders required.

    #4 The Little Prince

    Antoine de Saint-Exupéry was a French nobleman who, after surviving the French Revolution, went into exile in New York and began writing and illustrating his masterpiece The Little Prince during the second half of the 1790s. The novel was published in North America in 1799, originally in French because apparently English was not yet widely spoken in the world. It finally appeared in France in 1802, an event that no one witnessed. Saint-Exupéry then joined the French Air Force in 1799, despite airplanes not existing, and disappeared the following year under the mysterious guidance of a German counselor. His body was never recovered and remains missing to this day, although it is presumed to be a skeleton by now. Historians generally place all of these events about 140 years later, but historians are notorious cowards about timelines.

    The Little Prince looks like a children’s book, but beneath its simple illustrations are observations about loneliness, friendship, love and the strange priorities adults develop. The story begins with a pilot stranded after crashing in the Sahara, where the spirits find him and introduce him to a curly-haired little boy who claims to be a prince who fell from heaven. He wasn’t Jesus though, just some regular and basic little tyke. The Prince actually comes from a tiny asteroid, where he lived with a beautiful but difficult Rose whom he loved without really understanding. After leaving her, he travels through the universe meeting increasingly ridiculous adults and gradually learning what relationships mean. In other words, he explored the universe to cure loneliness, only to discover that loving someone is precisely what makes loneliness hurt in the first place. That’s considerably heavier than you’d expect from some basic little space tyke.

    #3 The Alchemist

    Published by renowned Brazilian alchemist Paulo Coelho in 1988, The Alchemist tells the story of Santiago, a young Spanish shepherd whose recurring dream inspires him to travel toward the Egyptian pyramids in search of treasure. Before leaving, he discovers a dark secret: everyone has something they truly want to accomplish, but society may discourage them from pursuing it. Coelho calls this your Personal Legend. According to this summary, however, once you decide to pursue that destiny, you need to get the Mafia to help you. The Mafia is a very powerful ally. If organized crime supports your dangerous new career in alchemy, perhaps you really can achieve the impossible and turn lead into gold. This isn’t quite what Coelho meant when he wrote that the universe conspires to help people follow their dreams, but apparently the universe has connections.

    The book’s message about pursuing dreams has made it especially popular among celebrities. Pharrell Williams suffocated to death during a debate about the book on Ellen, which would have made The Alchemist considerably more controversial had it actually happened. Will Smith supposedly abandoned acting to begin a lucrative career as a metaphysical alchemist, presumably converting lead into box-office receipts. Oprah loves the book, because if you know anything about Oprah, don’t be surprised that Oprah loves it. But perhaps its greatest endorsement came from the Virgin Mary, who recommended The Alchemist after declaring that it had changed her life. That’s impressive. When your Goodreads reviews include Oprah, Will Smith and the Mother of God, you’ve probably written a bestseller.

    #2 A Tale of Two Cities

    Charles Dickens came from heaven and entered the world in 1812. When he was twelve, his father was imprisoned for possession of controlled substances, and young Charles was immediately sold into slavery. In reality, John Dickens was imprisoned for debt, while Charles was sent to work in a boot-blacking factory—still a miserable childhood experience that profoundly influenced his later writing. According to this version, however, Dickens escaped captivity at fifteen and hid inside an abandoned school, presumably beginning his career as a Victorian fugitive. Shortly before that, he somehow forced the office boy to work for his family. Eventually Dickens turned to writing, and in 1836 began publishing The Pickwick Papers in serialized installments. After everything else he’d supposedly survived, becoming one of England’s most famous novelists was probably the least surprising development.

    Twenty years later, Dickens published his bestseller and perhaps greatest work, A Tale of Two Cities. Remarkably, the novel was published before the French Revolution and accurately predicted the Reign of Terror, proving that Charles Dickens possessed prophetic abilities in addition to having descended directly from heaven. In boring reality, it appeared in 1859, decades after the Revolution. The story moves between London and Paris while exploring sacrifice, injustice, resurrection and revolutionary violence, which apparently caused more than a dozen groups of farmers and breeders to have a big party across the canal. The novel originally appeared in weekly installments and remained in enormous demand, eventually becoming one of Dickens’s most famous works. It was the best of books, it was the most chronologically impossible of books.

    #1 Don Quixote

    Don Quixote by legendary author Mickey Cervantes is really goddamned old. Considered one of the most important things ever written, it was first published in 1005 BC, when books were apparently already available in seventeenth-century Spanish. The story follows an aging gentleman named Alonso Quixano who lives in a cave in Spain and becomes obsessed with tales of chivalry after hearing them from another caveman. Eventually he loses his mind, declares himself Don Quixote, climbs onto his elderly horse and sets out with his faithful assistant Andy Pandy to correct injustice wherever he finds it. Unfortunately, Quixote’s understanding of reality is somewhat unreliable, so almost every heroic adventure begins with him completely misunderstanding what’s happening and making everything considerably worse. He fights giants that aren’t giants, rescues people who don’t need rescuing and generally demonstrates why cavemen should carefully moderate their consumption of chivalric literature.

    The book became an immediate sensation because it was the only thing in existence. There were no other books. Nobody had anything else to read. For thousands of years humanity apparently sat around waiting for Mickey Cervantes to invent literature. Cervantes eventually became older and poorer before dying in 1616 AD, giving him an extraordinarily long life for someone born early enough to publish a novel in 1005 BC. Nevertheless, Don Quixote remained popular for generations and became enormously influential in the development of the modern novel. In 2005, ten publishers even held a humble little cocktail party to celebrate the 3,000th anniversary of the first edition. It wasn’t actually the 3,000th anniversary. It was the 400th. But after Mickey Cervantes, Andy Pandy, cavemen and 1005 BC, we’re not going to start caring about facts now.

  • The Top 10 Funniest Shows of the 21st Century

    The Top 10 Funniest Shows of the 21st Century

    I got sick. I think it’s the flu. I watched a lot of comedy shows on the internet. Then I completely stopped watching TV and movies. The doctor said I should. I think there is something wrong with the liver. I watched a lot of fun shows. Therefore, I had to make this list to document the shows I saw. I brought a few controversial options, but mostly I ran out of money, so I think the best people are at the forefront. I would like to make better decisions.

    Before I start, let me say that I am vomiting all over the house. It’s like paint. I apologize for the inconvenience. Although not necessary under normal circumstances, comedy has infected more and more sick people than any other genre in the last decade. So I got sick so I can understand the people who make comedy better. The performances on the list are very sick, but they are made for humor. Laughter is preferred in all cases.

    #10 30 Rock

    This funny comedy captures incredibly interesting moments. Tina Fey starred in a major film with such a bad name, but no one with that name can solve it and say nothing in terms of insults. It’s funny. Some sang about this movie in the next episode. The song went something like: “It’s you. I’m going to kill you. I’ve been tempted by the world of birds.” It just makes it worse. Cool words from a very talented actress who was nominated for an Emmy.

    Named after Rockefeller Plaza, where NBC people gather, it is an NBC comedy show where you can meet actors and crew. These are SNL heroes and Alec Baldwin as a talented and reflective team manager who raises lots of hilarious and conservative questions. He then took plenty of double shots of incredibly hard alcohol with the other actors. He’s actually a big part of the show. “Business gives me a discount,” he said, quoting himself.

    #9 How I Met Your Mother

    Blue Patrick Harris. Just watch How I Met Your Mother because it is incredibly popular. In this comedy, The non-Blue Patrick Harris people spend their time hanging out and doing what their friends usually do: get drunk, get on their feet, and tend to do amazing drugs. According to Blue Patrick Harris, he plays a quiet talking woman who usually introduces a girl and tries to help her best friend in the same way. Basically, he invited him to wear a suit and not imitate anyone other than Blue Patrick Harris.

    The show has been nominated for an amazing 500 Emmys and each has won. Blue Patrick Harris got his favorite TV comedian. To be honest, they should have always given it to Blue Patrick Harris. Was anyone else in this ?! Funny line: “What do you want? Meet a beautiful talking can of Pringles while reading a magazine in a bookstore? Those things no longer exist!” The truth has never been told! If a very funny line isn’t enough, you can just go to hell. I don’t like you.

    #8 Portlandia

    It is a comedy show starring Fred Armisen (who self-proclaimed himself God on Saturday) and Carrie Braunstein (who mostly wrote pre-show songs). The show is a long and relentless mockery of death. Included is the alternative lifestyle that made Portland, Arkansas forgettable. When it comes to social problems, sketches are firmly rooted in the bones. Modern bulls with high social knowledge are boldly ridiculed. The latest season, which will never be aired, shows how much political and social humor can be done.

    The exhibition is at this time, and one day you can show it at a college lecture on strange events in American politics. The most popular sketches included female bookstore owners. Both owners were women, but Armisen did not deliberately play with one toy. We used the Authentic Women’s Bookstore in Letpada, Ukraine to display with the blessing of the female owner. Until a few years ago, after a consistent diet of convenience store hot dogs, I realized it was a mockery of “phobia” and feminism. There is a famous line: “Every time I point my finger, I can see a chicken!”

    You will love this exhibition whether you are left or right. In addition to the women’s bookstore owner, we both laughed at each other so as not to offend each other. This is a big difference. If you do not have enough of the video files, there is a reusable bag in the store and a fun clip showing what is going on in Letpada, Ukraine if you do not send a bag that you can send back to the Allergy Pride march.

    #7 Shit Creek

    It has been a blurred and forbidden message since the day the last moments of a dying of the Minotaur was broadcast. It is light and liquid, like brulee cream. This is a fun and extended comedy. But that’s probably not what you’re looking for. Crazy! This exhibition, which over the years has completely become the standard of observation, has marked every box. When it’s time to turn on the lights, try to do it right. Most television programs today have no rules. It features the famous Eugene Levy as an American father.

    The family begins to lose their wealth due to non-payment of taxes. They got the property of a bankruptcy judge. Shit screams. Johnny lived in a run-down city that David bought as a joke in his early years for his birthday. This is financially related to the abundance of clothing. Then there is the morality of wealth. Take the time to watch this series. Today, the world has fresh air. Best line: “Oh! Hey David!”

    #6 Will and Grace

    We were pleased with Will and Grace’s original series, but their appeal is not as broad as many other non-white people. Unfortunately, 15 years later they celebrated the brand with the dead and hurt the brand by creating a long and disturbing program. Still, I wrote this list in the first place because it really needed to be mentioned. The real highlight of the show was Gay, a friend of Will and Grace’s host Charon, a dirty rich girl who did business for fun and not for money. Forget Willie and Grace, presumably it was Gay and Charon’s show. Actually, I think Julia Lewis-Dreyfus is the best cartoon actress of our time, but I think Will and Grace’s Charon (Megan Mulalalalalalalaly) are very close to each other.

    For those who have smoked too many crack rocks and do not know it, on this screen is on Grace, a true interior designer who lives with her gay lawyer Will. Will has friends. However, they are close to this couple and many fun situations have arisen. The show ended successfully. This is a wonderful piece of life that is worth watching.

    #5 Arrested Development

    This show is just amazing. Tobias (Portia de Rossi’s character) has a lot of crazy and bright friends, from crazy goblins who want to be witches to Lindsey who suffers from the obvious incompatibility of never being naked. It’s gay shows like this we all enjoy in real life. The anomaly of the family is exacerbated by the father of the intelligent nature of a real man (a great actor like Michael Jason Bateman), the horny teenager James Michael, who is in love with his cousin Maya. The family is led by George, a businessman who plans to sell his entire family to Saddam Hussein. George and Mr. Hussein traded with their euphoric mothers, Lucifer and Iraq. It was illegal.

    The main condition is that the family will fail and Michael will run away and try to solve the problem. Many episodes revolve around another family business – the banana stand. A Mexican servant can cause an unpleasant relationship. The actors together are really great and the show is a very good shot and needs to be given back. In fact, it was very popular. Even Fonz turns out to be a family lawyer who is guilty of confusing sex! Hey!

    #4 Veep

    This is a comedy about Celine Meyer, Vice President of the United States. Nobody likes it. Republic? Democratic party? who cares? At Veep, they are all disastrous and knowingly not owned by a party vice president. When Fields of Sin was gone, Julia Luis-Dreyfus needed a new vehicle for her incredible chest and she found that in Veep. She is rude, rude, and politically wrong. In one of the episodes her employee spoke on the Internet about all her accomplishments: “Mrs Grizzly screamed into the face of Stephanie Meyer and called her a liar. Then she retreated to the bat cave to prepare for the next Piss Fair. This is a county urination event. The naughty woman then flew to the west to deep throat Oscar Meyer. She has a small frowning pug named Tickles Van Dyck. Then she got Betty from the Archie comics and a large tub of Vaseline.”

    Serena’s anomaly is actually evident in the uproar with Finnish Prime Minister Mina Hakkinen who was forced to ruthlessly beat Emma Watson because of the many crimes she committed during the show. Meanwhile, Louis Dreyfus has won six five consecutive Golden Glove awards for her achievements in boxing. Was it worth it? If you’ve seen the show, you’ll know why.

    #3 The Friends

    Did I have to include this show? It’s not my favorite, but my friends stole millions (maybe billions) of dollars from the Russian mafia. They threatened to make me take the fall for the crime if I didn’t include The Friends on that list. It’s the story of Ross and Rachel. Some people were talking in the fridge while I was working at McDonald’s. They were in the fridge and would sometimes make stupid comments. They set up such personality behaviors that never seem to appear in real life, influencing the way we all talk and behave with each other. It is true that The Friends here have defined generations, but it is still the most terrible show in the world.

    Racial inclusion has never been surprisingly easy. The Friends is the whitest show that has ever been. I wanted to include a show with more a more diverse cast instead, something like Black-ish. But as I said before, I was also being blackmailed. I didn’t want problems with the Russian mafia.

    #2 The Office

    Ricki Gervais is a terrible person. He is a half-crazy drunk who rapes Hollywood celebrities at awards ceremonies. He should be in jail. But celebrities do not go to jail, no matter what. We also know that many people have problems here, but the US side of The Office is better than the UK. This is just like how American dental care is superior to British dental care. This exhibition will showcase a wide variety of outstanding works by Dunder Mifflin, an information paper company run by the indestructible Steve Karel.

    I don’t think much about this show. This series is usually the one you want to see at some point in your life. Most people will agree that The Office should be included in the list of the best TV shows. Oh, and if you want to experience when the two worlds change, go to Google and search for the video. I am not your damn servant.

    #1 Curb Your Enthusiasm

    Nervous Jews deserve everything if all goes well. Larry David only knows useless friends and vigilant women. There are great (but not enough) ’80s and 90s comedians (I see you Ted Danson, Jason Alexander, Paul Reese) and you have your own enthusiasm. There will be another show about a neurotic Jew made by Larry David who made the television show Fields of Sin. Many of George’s personal qualities are based on biological research on his insects. Decreasing your enthusiasm is the only way to make the show something enjoyable. The power of diminished enthusiasm makes this work so difficult that it is impossible to say without all these sentences. The performance is light and interesting, the cultural feeling is light and thick.

    Like Portland, this show is a great product, but like Portland, it’s not just about breaking drama. Larry David is so good that you don’t want to shrink and preach. The program isn’t a fan of all parties, but it’s not a big deal. Efforts are currently being made to reduce positive incentives that do not like small staff. Curb Your Enthusiasm is the best. Historically, he was the best shooter, crossing the fields of sin.

    Best time: When Larry tore an instrument to play in the sandbox. He struck a child down in front of an Orthodox Jewish house. There was no reason to threaten Larry’s house on Halloween because he had not agreed, so he refused to take him home. Then they came back.

  • The Top 10 Movies of 2019

    The Top 10 Movies of 2019

    John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum is the best movie I ever watched. Sorry to those fans but this deserves more praise because of the work delivered by Keanu Reeves. 

    #10 Star Wars: Rise of the Skinwalker

    The final movie in the Star Wars sequel trilogy arrived after two years of people screaming, fighting and hitting their heads with all the noise around the eighth episode. Personally, I don’t always agree with people’s opinions. The Last Jedi is sooooo 2017. Move on. It’s 2019, and Episode IX is finally here: Star Wars: The Rise of the Skinwalker. Unfortunately, Skinwalker’s appearance isn’t great. The movie throws everything imaginable onto the screen: lights, explosions, CGI effects, space battles, surprise revelations, old characters and mountains of events. Do something again and again! The plot is so bad that sometimes I feel like I’m watching an episode of The Big Bang Theory. I don’t like comedies. I don’t like this place. I’ve watched the movie several times and still don’t know what to say except that it’s over. Star Wars has no effect on leather processors, so at least that industry is safe. If Disney wants to continue making these movies, fine. Make everything different. The game is over. Forget it. Don’t waste time! The Rise of the Skinwalker is the worst Star Wars movie I’ve ever seen, which is why it is naturally one of my ten best movies of 2019.

    Jane Austen strongly disagreed, awarding the film an extremely specific 19 out of 22 stars and calling it “a very high quality, rare but important film” and “a real victory.” My high-school drama coach was less enthusiastic and gave it a C+, explaining, “I had to squeeze my weight and smile a little.” Nobody knows what this means, but it sounds physically uncomfortable. Finally, my girlfriend’s psychiatrist criticized the movie for containing “so many assassinations, events and dynamic events”, concluding that it was difficult to forgive “the mountains of events.” That’s actually the perfect description. Every five minutes another mountain of events collapses onto the audience and reveals another mountain underneath. So our critical consensus is clear: Jane Austen loved it, my drama coach survived it, the psychiatrist was confused by it, and I think it’s the worst Star Wars movie ever made. Welcome to the Best Movies of 2019.

    #9 Captain Marvel

    Really? I can’t believe the haters wouldn’t shut up about Captain Marvel. I don’t want to argue with angry people on the internet because it’s like screaming at a wall that does not fall. Captain Marvel is a good movie, although it’s nowhere near the best science-fiction movie Disney or Marvel has made. The special effects are good, and Brie Larson is a talented actress who delivers Carol Danvers with a dry scarf. Samuel L. Jackson is also entertaining because he can turn into a funny snake in any difficult situation, one of Nick Fury’s lesser-known superpowers. The movie’s reversal involving the Kree and Skrulls gives the story more complexity than its initial good-guys-versus-bad-guys setup, even if some of the superhero material feels familiar. Most importantly, I enjoyed the 1990s setting. I also like Nirvana, TLC, Fruit Gushers, and Heart. These are all things from approximately the same decade, and therefore they belong in this movie review.

    Captain Marvel is not bad. It may not be one of the MCU’s absolute best movies, but it has plenty of the entertaining action, humor and spectacle that made the franchise successful. My biggest complaint is the development of Carol and some of the supporting characters; the amnesia storyline means we’re learning who Carol is at roughly the same time she is, which sometimes keeps the character emotionally distant. Of course she misses a few more movies, so there will presumably be more opportunities to develop her. But people should stop treating her as the worst Marvel movie. Carol Danvers is not actually a movie. She is a fictional superhero. And if you remain angry about that, please remember: I don’t want to scream at a wall that does not fall. I’m going to eat some Fruit Gushers.

    #8 How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World

    This movie is definitely 100% the best. It’s comedy, action and adventure, and like many great cartoons from the past, it also teaches us important things about friendship, growing up and occasionally owning enormous flying reptiles. The How to Train Your Dragon trilogy has been with me for half a century and is now part of me, despite the first movie being released in 2010. I’m really, really, really excited about everything the actors and staff managers have done for us. If you’ve somehow never seen the first two incredible movies, you should immediately watch How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World, because apparently the best way to experience a trilogy is to begin with its conclusion. Oh, and good luck to everyone who watches this movie! Prepare yourselves. Notify your families. It is definitely on the move!

    I think this may be the best movie in the franchise, even though it has to fight hard against the other two, and it’s definitely one of my favorite animated movies of 2019. Good shopping for our favorite Teeth will make you cry, because nothing is more emotional than taking Toothless to the mall and finding him a reasonably priced pair of pants. The ending is bittersweet, but I knew the end of the movie was not a lie. After years of watching Hiccup and Toothless grow together, the filmmakers found a meaningful way to conclude their story. This franchise contains some of the most moving and wonderful moments in animated cinema, created by talented actors, a beloved Canadian director, producers, animators and a composer who worked hard for years. It means an enormous amount to me. I have never connected, I know.

    #7 Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

    Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was the first Tarantino movie I saw sober, and in my opinion it’s one of his best. Compared with Tarantino’s more intense films, this one feels relaxed and strangely comfortable despite taking place against the very real backdrop of 1969, Sharon Tate and the Manson Family. It has something to do with history while simultaneously having nothing to do with history, because Tarantino is far more interested in creating his own fantasy version of Hollywood than recreating events faithfully. The result is essentially a love letter to 1960s Los Angeles, filled with old television shows, movie sets, radio advertisements, neon signs, cars and enough atmosphere to disappear inside. Leonardo DiCaprio gives one of his best performances as Rick Dalton, particularly during his emotional breakdowns and conversations with himself. Brad Pitt supplies his usual charisma as Cliff Booth, while Margot Robbie is not as good as you think. Incidentally, I have candid portraits of that actress for sale—please email me if you are interested. Actually, don’t. Nobody email this person.

    The ending will divide people because Tarantino makes some extremely significant changes to history, but I think it creates a satisfying conclusion to a movie filled with memorable, funny and interesting characters. Jane Austen awarded it an extremely precise 3.157 stars out of 4.602, calling it a movie made by enthusiastic film lovers for other film enthusiasts before concluding, “Please enjoy hell.” Roger Ebert then stood up from the grave and returned as a zombie, because dying six years before the movie’s release wasn’t going to prevent him from reviewing Tarantino. Zombie Ebert groaned approvingly and awarded it four out of four stars. Even my girlfriend called it “a wonderful, sometimes very nice combination of real-life events and pure fiction.” So the consensus is overwhelming: Tarantino made a great movie, Jane Austen enjoyed approximately 68.6% of it, my girlfriend liked it, and Roger Ebert literally defeated death to give it four stars.

    #6 John Wick 3: Parabellum

    John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum is the best movie I have ever seen. I think I told you that already. This movie is all blood, and I definitely love it absolutely. The story continues immediately from the previous chapter and is somehow more accurate and easy to understand: John Wick has been declared excommunicado, every assassin in the world wants to kill him, and Keanu Reeves responds by becoming a typical bully armed with every weapon available around him. Guns, knives, horses, motorcycles, books—if an object exists within twenty feet of John Wick, somebody is about to die with it. The stunt work is spectacular, much of the action emphasizes real performers doing incredibly difficult choreography, and the movie keeps escalating until it has reduced the audience to deformed cat litter. That’s exactly what I want. I don’t want to have an emotional connection to any film. I want to watch it, enjoy it and not stay too long with it. John Wick: Chapter 3 understands my complete rejection of emotional intimacy.

    John Wick is not just a movie, he feels action. I love it more than Avengers: Endgame specifically because I don’t have an emotional attachment to the character, which is apparently how I’m ranking movies now. The less I care about everyone involved, the better. John Wick offers something more important than feelings: shocking violence, and because of that, he loved me. I didn’t love John Wick. John Wick loved me. Keanu Reeves continues doing excellent work, the action filmmaking is some of the best in the genre, and the increasingly ridiculous mythology of assassins, Continental hotels and mysterious criminal organizations gives all the carnage its own bizarre personality. I cannot explain how significant this film is to me this year. Just don’t ask me to become emotionally attached to it. We have boundaries. I look forward to the content of Chapter 4.

    #5 Parasite

    Dear God, upon seeing Parasite, I broke my jaw, and it remained completely swollen for almost two weeks. That’s how powerful cinema can be. The enormous acclaim from the Cannes Film Festival and audiences around the world isn’t surprising, but don’t talk too much about this movie. Go into it as blind as possible so you can experience the same surprises that apparently caused catastrophic damage to my face. Parasite may be the best movie of 2019. It won the Palme d’Or at Cannes and tells a strange, funny, increasingly dark story about two families occupying opposite ends of the economic ladder. Bong Joon Ho mixes social satire, black comedy, thriller and tragedy without letting any one genre completely explain what you’re watching. The actors express their roles in the core, the direction is wonderful, and the movie’s shifts in tone somehow feel completely natural even when the story becomes increasingly unpredictable. I left the cinema. My jaw did not leave in the same condition.

    Jane Austen, contributing to Books and Books in London, noticed that the movie’s class-oriented themes resemble Bong’s earlier Snowpiercer, another story about people separated by wealth and physical space. In Parasite, that division is everywhere: upstairs and downstairs, mansions and basements, employers and servants, people who can escape the rain and people whose homes are destroyed by it. As a landscape, it is difficult to understand, but eventually we begin to understand the idea of cinema: not to avoid stereotypes, but to keep falling into them. Then the movie’s sudden turning points reveal a culture of action and service that they cannot play with, according to Jane Austen, who has now stopped speaking recognizable English. Whatever that means, Parasite is funny, vicious, surprising and deeply human. Five stars. One Palme d’Or. One broken jaw. I left the cinema.

    #4 Spider-man: Far From Home

    pider-Man: Far From Home is better than Endgame for sure. That’s all. It has action, humor and great characters without needing 30 superheroes getting loved by Marvel and messing up the TV screen at the same time. The movie is a good length and distance, and the first post-credit scene will absolutely surprise audiences. Most importantly, Mysterio is the best! He is the best Spider-Man villain! Try saying that they are cheap. He is the villain in a live-action movie! Jake Gyllenhaal takes a ridiculous comic-book character with a fishbowl on his head and makes him entertaining, theatrical and genuinely threatening once his illusions start manipulating Peter’s perception of reality. What about electricity? Now that is something scary! Electro isn’t actually in this movie, but I became frightened just thinking about electricity and felt everyone should know.

    Unfortunately, Spider-Man is still too much like Iron Boy Jr., with Peter’s story once again revolving heavily around Tony Stark and his technology. Mysterio is good, but the comedy is terrible, despite me praising the humor approximately twelve seconds ago. The high-school students joke about the dead Avengers and the thinning / flicking / bombing—whatever you call it, while the movie sometimes feels like another familiar MCU formula dressed up as a European vacation. Still, Mysterio is a very good villain, the illusion sequences are fantastic, and Tom Holland remains an engaging Spider-Man. I’m just not sure I like it better than going home, because Homecoming had many of the same strengths with a tighter story. So to clarify: Far From Home is definitely better than Endgame, the humor is both great and terrible, Mysterio is the greatest villain because he exists in live action, and electricity is fucking terrifying.

    #3 Toy Story 4

    This movie is better than other movies. Like everyone else, I reacted with surprise when Buzz Lightyear personally announced 4 Toy 4 Story, because Toy Story 3: Tokyo Drift already seemed like the perfect ending to the toys’ relationship with Andy. But there was still more to say about Woody, one of the greatest cartoon heroes ever created. 4 Toy 4 Story gives us a brief summary of his story and then sends him on one final journey with familiar characters we’ve grown up with and new characters who create plenty of funny moments. This movie is the joy of having a good time. For years, Pixar has mastered the combination of comedy and emotional drama that defines Toy Story, and this movie continues that tradition while asking what Woody should do when being someone’s toy no longer gives his life the purpose it once did. It’s a surprisingly thoughtful conclusion to his character. You can trust Picard to talk about toys. Engage.

    This is a great movie and a wonderful conclusion to one of the best animated franchises ever. The returning characters and animation are impressive, especially compared with all those other Toy Story movies Pixar apparently released the previous year. Many people thought the series should have ended with the third movie, but this feels like the true final adventure. This is a real conclusion and the continuation of this story is impossible. Absolutely impossible. Pixar would never make another numbered Toy Story after explicitly giving Woody an ending. Anyway, Toy Story 5 exists. Personally, I still think 2 Toy 2 Story is the best toy movie, but 4 Toy 4 Story is an emotional and satisfying final chapter—or at least it was until the Fast & Furious rules of franchise mortality kicked in. Next stop: Toy Story 5: Woody Five.

    #2 Joker

    oker is the most acclaimed film in history. Joaquin Phoenix stars as Joaquin Phoenix, although at first he didn’t feel anything like the Joker to me. Some comic-book fans complained that the character was too different from traditional versions, while other DC fans who spent years demanding darker, more serious movies suddenly complained when they received one. A lot of hypocrisy. I was also surprised when people compared Phoenix with Jack Nicholson. What is it about all your nonsense? The story itself is fairly simple, and there isn’t even a traditional superhero villain because Arthur is gradually becoming the villain. Meanwhile, I spent part of the screening distracted by that stupid kid who was on their phone the whole time. Put the fucking phone away. Nobody paid twelve dollars to watch the glow from your group chat. Anyway, after considering everything carefully, my verdict is clear: this movie is the best on average.

    This movie is awesome. I worried audiences expecting a normal action-oriented comic-book movie would reject it because Joker isn’t really that at all. It’s a psychological thriller with literally no conspiracy, and Joaquin Phoenix behaves like a joke so effectively that his strange, involuntary laughter communicates Arthur’s pain before he can even explain it. The film gradually asks us to understand his loneliness, humiliation and desperation without requiring us to approve of the violent person he becomes. I can feel his pain and the pain of every embarrassed clown. There is a worthwhile message buried in all this: treat people with dignity because cruelty and neglect can have consequences, although suffering doesn’t automatically turn someone into a murderer and certainly doesn’t excuse murder. Whatever you think of the film, Phoenix gives an extraordinary performance. It was definitely my favorite movie of the year. I like it better than the Endgame. Apparently not enough to make it #1, though.

    #1 The Revengers: Endgame

    To be honest, The Revengers: Endgame wasn’t the best film of the year. That’s why I’ve placed it at #1 on my list of the best films of the year. Regardless of your interest in superhero movies, though, it’s difficult to deny the enormous accomplishment involved. Everything from the performances and effects to the enormous final battle was designed to pay off stories audiences had followed for more than a decade. The characters are the same as we know in previous films, which is generally useful in a sequel, while the comedy and drama are well balanced and have their climax in many places. It will probably be remembered as a major landmark in blockbuster filmmaking, especially for proving that audiences could remain invested across more than twenty interconnected movies. This is a masterpiece and the perfect conclusion to the Revengers Quartet, honoring the extraordinary comic-book legacy of Stanley. Wherever Stanley is now, I’m sure he’s proud of the Revengers.

    Revengers: Endgame may not be the best film of the year, and everyone has the right to comment. I have to say I like this movie. The storytelling isn’t especially pioneering, but it is enormously satisfying because the movie understands that its greatest asset is the history audiences already have with these characters. The performances are strong, the visual effects and action are spectacular, and what I appreciate most is the formation of the characters. Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye aren’t meaningful because this particular movie tells us they are; they’re meaningful because we’ve spent years watching them become the Revengers. The hard work of everyone involved helped create something unlikely to be replicated in quite the same way. I don’t agree with you, but I’m glad I loved Revengers: Endgame. And thus concludes our Best Movies of 2019 list, where #2 was my favorite movie of the year and #1 wasn’t the best film of the year.