These Are Media Things

Category: Best

  • The Top 10 Talking Cats

    The podcast I sometimes give reviews of movies to, Exploit It, did an episode about a movie called A TALKING CAT!?! That movie is terrible. The talking cat in that movie is terrible and sounds very evil – he makes me feel sad and uncomfortable and angry. I have decided in my wisdom to talk about the 10 talking cats that really are the best.

    #10 [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] from Hocus Pocus

    “I’m Uthagbuthumsndachkalla! I’m a talking cat!”

    [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] is a human-themed cat who has spent thousands of years protecting the home of the Hocus Pocus bitches. It’s an important job. Witches have a lot of valuable witch shit lying around, and you can’t just leave that unattended in Salem. Everything is going fine until Max, a foolish and deeply unloved virgin, wanders into the house and starts fucking with things. Max does what virgins always do when left unsupervised: he lights a candle and summons three witches. Now [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] has to save Max, save the other virgins, save Salem and somehow contain all the witchy-bitchy shenanigans before sunrise. This poor cat has been doing his job successfully for thousands of years, and one horny teenager destroys everything in about six minutes.

    What makes [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] one of the greatest talking cats is his attitude. Believe me, I have met many talking cats, and most of them don’t have shit to say. [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] has lived the cat life and the people life, so he understands both worlds. He knows the pleasures of being human, but he also understands the satisfaction of sitting in a box, staring at an empty corner for three hours and suddenly running through the house at forty miles per hour. Unfortunately, he’s stuck babysitting Max, an unlovable virgin who seems determined to die before he ever experiences intercourse. [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] deserved better. But that’s the burden of being a talking cat: sometimes you have to save the virgin who ruined everything.

    #9 Hat Cat from Hat Cat

    “I’m Hat Cat! I’m a talking cat!”

    Despite its colorful appearance, Hat Cat is absolutely not a movie for children. Hat Cat is simply too sexy. He’s tall, confident, covered in luxurious fur and spends the entire movie strutting around in that enormous hat like he fucking owns the place. It’s frankly irresponsible character design. But his personality is even worse. Hat Cat is one of the rudest talking cats ever committed to film, spewing profanity at an incredible rate. He says “fuck.” He says “damn.” Sometimes he says “shit.” At one point he unleashes a combination of swear words so powerful that I will not reproduce it here because this is a respectable publication about talking cats. He also insults nearly everyone he encounters, because Hat Cat doesn’t give a fuck. Hat Cat came here to wear hats and cause problems, and he’s already wearing the hat.

    Things eventually spiral completely out of control. Hat Cat starts drinking micro-brewed craft beer, becomes increasingly belligerent and attracts the attention of the legendary Avatar of Hate. This is a catastrophic mistake. Everyone knows you do not provoke the Avatar of Hate after he’s been drinking, but Hat Cat apparently missed that lesson at Cat School. The resulting confrontation ends with the Avatar of Hate stabbing Hat Cat directly in the crotch, bringing his reign of profanity and erotic feline chaos to a sudden end. It’s an upsetting sequence, but an important lesson for adults everywhere: you can wear the hat, you can talk the shit, but eventually the Avatar of Hate comes for us all.

    #8 Salem Saberweilder from Sabrina the Teenage Witch

    “I’m Salem Saberweilder! I’m a talking cat!”

    Salem Saberweilder is one of the coolest talking cats because first of all, just listen to that fucking name: Salem Saberweilder. That’s a cat who means business. Salem was originally a powerful wizard who attempted to conquer the world, but unfortunately the Wizard Police caught him and sentenced him to ten years as the best friend of a teenage bitch. Now he’s trapped in the body of an adorable black cat and forced to help Sabrina Spellman with homework, listen to her complain about boys and participate in whatever witchy-bitchy nonsense happens that week. Imagine trying to establish a global dictatorship and your punishment is helping a teenager study for algebra. No wonder Salem is pissed off all the time.

    But Salem hasn’t abandoned his ambitions. He’s playing the long game. Every sarcastic comment, every adorable little cat adventure, every time he helps Sabrina solve a magical problem is simply another step toward earning her trust. Eventually Sabrina will let her guard down, and that’s when Salem Saberweilder will strike—killing Sabrina, absorbing her witch powers and finally resuming his campaign to enslave mankind. That’s a fucking talking cat. I respect ambition. Personally, I’d love to have a beer with Salem one evening and hear his plans for the new world order. Would he eventually betray and murder me? Almost certainly. But that’s why I’d make sure he paid for the first round.

    #7 Anuslicker The Aged from Cats

    I’m Anuslicker the Aged! I’m a talking cat!

    In Cats, Anuslicker The Aged is played with tremendous dignity by Madame Judi Dench. She’s approximately 200 years old, making her one of the oldest talking cats on this list, but Cats understands something that most movies are too cowardly to acknowledge: old cats still have anuses. In fact, the anus may be the one thing that truly unites us all. Rich or poor. Young or old. Human or cat. Somewhere beneath all our superficial differences, there is an anus. Yet Hollywood rarely discusses this. Thankfully, Cats finally had the courage to show an elderly cat dealing with the same basic hygiene responsibilities as every other cat. Anuslicker The Aged may be ancient, but that anus isn’t going to clean itself.

    Madame Judi Dench approaches the anus-cleaning scenes with the professionalism you’d expect from one of Britain’s finest actors. There’s no vanity here. No attempt to make an elderly cat’s personal hygiene glamorous. Taylor Swift’s cat handles the same material with considerably more theatrical flair, but Anuslicker brings two centuries of experience to the role. It’s dirty. It’s unpleasant. It’s exactly what cleaning an old cat anus should be. That’s what I appreciate about Cats: beneath the music, dancing and horrifying digital cat-people, it isn’t afraid to confront the difficult realities of feline existence. Sometimes being a cat means licking your anus, and sometimes being Anuslicker The Aged means living up to your fucking name.

    #6 Kuybey from Puella Magi Madoka Magica

    I’m Kyubey! I’m a talking cat!

    Every magical girl receives a talking cat when she begins puberty. Nobody knows why. Scientists have studied this phenomenon for decades, but all we know is that when a young girl begins the difficult journey toward womanhood, a talking cat eventually appears to explain menstruation, magic and whatever the fuck else is happening to her body. Usually these puberty cats are helpful. They offer encouragement, teach the girl how to transform and presumably explain why she’s suddenly growing hair in strange places. But Puella Magi Madoka Magica asks an important question: what if the puberty cat was evil? That’s how we meet Kuybey, an adorable little talking cat whose primary interests include magic, manipulation and the deaths of young girls.

    At first Kuybey seems like any other responsible puberty cat. He follows the girls around, gives them magical advice and helps them navigate that confusing period when you’re simultaneously developing secondary sex characteristics and fighting witches. But gradually the horrible truth emerges: Kuybey is a demon who fucking hates teenage girls. Everything about him is a trap. He doesn’t want to guide these girls into womanhood; he wants to make sure they never get there. That’s what makes Kuybey such an effective talking cat villain. Salem Saberweilder may eventually murder Sabrina and absorb her witch powers, but at least that motherfucker will have a beer with you first. Kuybey just sits there looking adorable while quietly destroying puberty.

    #5 The Cheshire Cat from Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch

    I’m the Cheshire Cat! I’m a talking cat!

    The Cheshire Cat from Disney’s original animated Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch is one weird fucking cat, and I want to emphasize that I am talking ONLY ABOUT THE ORIGINAL CARTOON. Tim Burton later made his own Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch, which I loathe and spit upon. Tim Burton is a hack and everyone in the world hates his movie. That’s not my opinion. That’s science. I conducted a Twitter poll asking whether Tim Burton’s Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch should exist, and the results were conclusive. Every human being on Earth participated. Eight billion people. Babies voted. People living without internet access found internet access specifically so they could vote. Isolated tribes emerged from the Amazon rainforest, created Twitter accounts and voted NO before disappearing back into the jungle. The people have spoken.

    Anyway, actual talking cats are surprisingly unconcerned with human welfare, and the Cheshire Cat may be the finest example. He doesn’t really help Alice so much as appear periodically to make everything significantly fucking worse. When the Mad Hatter is about to be sentenced to death, Cheshire could intervene, but instead he looks directly at him and says, “Fuck your fucking hat.” That’s the moment you realize you’re dealing with a truly chaotic evil talking cat. He doesn’t care who wins. He doesn’t care who dies. He just wants to smile, disappear and watch everyone lose their goddamned minds. That’s why we love him. Unlike the computer fart masquerading as a Cheshire Cat in Tim Burton’s Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch, a movie which—according to the democratically expressed will of the entire human population of Earth—SHOULD NOT EXIST.

    #4 Luna from Sailor Moon

    Hey, fat ass! I’m Luna! I’m a talking cat!

    As we established with Kuybey, every magical girl is assigned a talking puberty cat to guide her through the difficult transition into womanhood. Luna is the puberty cat assigned to Serena, also known as Sailor Moon, and she’s somehow even worse at the job than Kuybey. Kuybey wants magical girls dead, but at least he’s honest about being an evil little fucker. Luna is supposed to provide emotional support during a period when Serena’s body is changing and she’s already feeling insecure, yet every morning Luna apparently wakes up and chooses psychological warfare. “Hey Serena, you nasty fat bitch, lose weight.” “Serena, you disgusting fat snake.” Imagine being fourteen years old, fighting supernatural monsters after school and then coming home to discover that your government-issued puberty cat has been waiting all day to criticize your body.

    Luna’s cruelty even extends to Serena’s own theme music. Sometimes she follows her around singing, “Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon, disgusting fat trick,” which isn’t helpful and doesn’t even fucking rhyme properly. This raises serious questions about whoever regulates puberty cats. Is there a licensing board? Can Serena request another cat? Is there a number she can call? Because Luna should not be working with adolescents. Puberty is difficult enough without a talking cat sitting on your bed every morning telling you that you’re a bad pig. Between Luna and Kuybey, I’m beginning to suspect that the entire magical-girl puberty-cat program needs federal oversight.

    #3 The Aristocats from The Aristocats

    We are The Aristocats! We are talking cats!

    The Aristocats are a bunch of rich, mean, bourgeois fucking jerks. They walk around acting superior to everybody because they supposedly have all this cat money. Bullshit. Have you ever met a cat with money? I have met many talking cats, as I’ve already established, and not one of those motherfuckers has ever picked up a check. Cats don’t have jobs. They don’t pay taxes. They don’t understand banking. Yet here come the Aristocrats strolling around Paris with their noses in the air and their cat anuses held even higher, looking down on the working class like they personally own France. Where did the money come from? What labor did these cats perform to accumulate this wealth? Show me their tax returns.

    And they don’t just talk—they fucking sing. That’s how wealthy these cats are. Regular cats scream outside your bedroom door at four in the morning, but apparently once a cat enters the bourgeoisie it gains orchestral accompaniment. Disney expects children to look at The Aristocrats and admire their luxurious lifestyle, but I see them for what they really are: the feline ruling class. Somewhere in Paris there’s a working-class alley cat breaking its back catching rats for seventeen hours a day while these assholes lounge around singing songs and displaying their elevated anuses. Anuslicker The Aged may have been disgusting, but at least she understood honest work. The Aristocrats have contributed nothing to society. Damn them and their supposed cat money.

    #2 Fuck the Cat from Crumb

    I’m Fuck! I’m a talking cat!

    Fuck the Cat sits down and checks his phone, but nothing comes up. Nobody calls. Nobody texts. Every two hours he changes the channel. Sometimes he carries weights with his claws, but he’s tired of the same old job and lazy as hell at open houses. He mutters. He bites his lip. He closes his eyes and whispers, “Take me to heaven.” Fuck the Cat is blind as hell and boring as shit. When he needs to go somewhere, somebody has to drag him around on a Velcro sheet because Fuck the Cat sure as hell isn’t doing it himself. He feels like a summer dog stuck in a summer alley. He locked the cell door and lost the key. Where are his goals? There are no goals. There is no time. There is no motivation. Smoking is the trigger.

    Fuck the Cat sits down again and checks his phone. Still nothing. Call it pathetic. Call it whatever the fuck you want. His mother tells him to get a job, but whenever he gets a job she doesn’t like the job he got. So what’s Fuck the Cat supposed to do? He can’t keep living like this. Or maybe he can. Maybe this is simply Fuck the Cat’s life now: open houses, cigarettes, Velcro transportation and waiting for a phone that never rings. Somewhere a television changes channels every two hours. Somewhere Fuck the Cat is muttering again. If masturbation is not fun, you become a lazy person.

    #1 Duffy from A Talking Cat!?!

    “I’m Duffy. I’m a talking cat.”

    Fuck this cat with a bar. Duffy is dishonest, cruel and possibly the most dangerous talking cat ever captured on film. A Talking Cat?!? is a strange movie by Mr. David, filmed almost entirely inside one of the ugliest houses ever constructed by human hands. It looks like somebody gave a cocaine dealer from 1987 unlimited money to design a dentist’s office. Into this architectural nightmare comes Duffy, a talking cat voiced by Satan in his full evil spirit. Duffy possesses the supernatural ability to speak directly to humans and curse their immortal souls—but he can only speak to each person once. That’s all he fucking needs. One conversation with Duffy and you’re damned forever. No appeals. No second chances. No unsubscribing. STAY AWAY FROM THIS CAT.

    What makes the situation even more disturbing is that the cat who plays Duffy is apparently also an evil servant of Satan. Think about that. They already had Satan providing the voice, but Mr. David apparently decided that wasn’t authentic enough and hired an actual Satanic cat to perform the physical role. That’s method acting taken too fucking far. Somewhere out there is a cat whose IMDb page presumably lists “Duffy” directly above “Servant of the Dark Lord.” I have met many talking cats in my life. Some were rude. Some were evil. Some hated teenage girls. Some possessed enormous amounts of unexplained cat money. But Duffy is different. If you ever encounter Duffy and he begins speaking to you, DO NOT LISTEN. Your eternal soul depends upon it.

  • The Top 10 Most Patriotic Movies

    The Top 10 Most Patriotic Movies

    Fireworks and barbecues are the things that people do during the summer, right?. Even so, it’s great to have a sweet romance with an air conditioning unit that keeps the temperature in the room cool. You can also watch patriotic movies on the 4th of July! I believe these are the only 10 films Americans should watch this Independence Day holiday. All titles are real movies, not bullshit I made up. I hope people stop accusing me like that. Even my daughter Dora the Explorer says I did it and she was wrong.

    #10 Mr. Smith Does a Washington

    The movie could use a little color

    I swear to you on the grave of my dead mermaid mother that Mr. Smith Does a Washington is a real movie. Directed by legendary filmmaker Frank Capricorn, it was born in 1939, a year many historians consider the greatest year in Hollywood history because apparently every good movie decided to come out at the same fucking time. Mr. Smith Does a Washington was nominated for eleven Oscars, which was a tremendous honor back when the Oscars still existed. Unfortunately, they don’t make Oscars anymore. Nobody knows why. Despite all this evidence, my family thinks the movie is stupid. I love my family very much, but they don’t know shit about cinema. I’ve explained Frank Capricorn to them multiple times and they just stare at me like I’m the idiot.

    The movie follows Mr. Smith as he does a Washington and discovers that America has corruption in it. This was shocking information in 1939. Frank Capricorn courageously exposes politicians doing bad things and innocent people suffering from injustice, but ultimately reminds us that America can become better if one extremely earnest man talks for a very long time. That’s patriotism. The movie was even banned in Hitlerland and several other fascist countries, which is one of the most reliable ways to determine whether a movie is good. Did Hitler hate your movie? Congratulations, you made a good movie. That’s just film criticism. So watch Mr. Smith Does a Washington. Frank Capricorn would have wanted you to.

    #9 The Patton

    This movie is the shit! Directed by Frankie J. Shaft, The Patton set the standard for serious historical movies about real-life kaijus. It tells the true story of The Pattomaton, commonly known as The Patton, the 100-foot-tall American kaiju who helped defeat Germany during World War II. The Patton is brilliantly portrayed by George C. Scott, who famously grew to a height of 100 feet specifically for the role because Mr. George Scott believed strongly in historical accuracy. Was that medically necessary? Probably not. Was he ever able to shrink back down afterward? I don’t know. But you cannot deny the results. When The Patton begins stomping his way across Europe toward Berlin, that is a real 100-foot George C. Scott you’re looking at. They didn’t have computers back then. Actors had to fucking commit.

    The screenplay was written by Francis Ford Coppola and another person, and it builds toward the legendary Battle of Berlin where The Patton finally confronts Hitler Mecha, the enormous mechanical Hitler secretly constructed by the Nazis as the ultimate weapon of fascism. Watching these two giants beat the absolute shit out of each other while Allied soldiers scatter beneath their feet remains one of cinema’s greatest depictions of World War II. But nothing tops the opening scene, where The Patton stands in front of an enormous American flag and spends several minutes talking mad shit directly to the troops. People are still haunted by that speech today. It’s patriotic. It’s inspirational. It’s historically accurate. Watch The Patton on the biggest television you own so George C. Scott can be as close to his original 100-foot height as possible.

    #8 Captain America: The Winter Soldier

    So much Marvelness

    If you think this is one of the greatest performances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, put your fucking hands in the air and give me a “WOOOOOOOO!” Captain America: The Winter Soldier tells the true story of decorated World War II veteran and American superhero Chris Evans, who bravely fought Nazis until the end of the war, when he accidentally became frozen inside a large piece of ice. The United States government eventually thawed Evans out decades later and discovered that he had not aged because ice preserves things. That’s why we put food in freezers. Actor Steve Rogers beautifully portrays Chris Evans and captures the confusion of a WWII veteran suddenly awakening in modern America, where everyone has little computers in their pockets, Nazis are hiding inside the government and nobody remembers how much a loaf of bread cost in 1943. Rogers completely disappears into the role. Sometimes you forget you’re not actually watching Chris Evans.

    But don’t go into Captain America: The Winter Soldier expecting some profound political statement about surveillance, government power or the erosion of institutional trust, because this movie doesn’t have shit to say about anything. It’s a crazy variety show. Captain America runs around. The Winter Soldier winters. Robert Redford appears for some reason. Samuel L. Jackson drives a car. A computer has an old Nazi inside it. Then three giant flying boats start shooting each other above Washington because that’s how the federal government works. It’s pointless American superhero nonsense, and that’s perfectly okay. Sometimes patriotism isn’t about examining your country’s institutions. Sometimes patriotism is Steve Rogers pretending to be Chris Evans while kicking a man off a boat.

    #7 United 93

    Paul Lawnfucker, director of those goofy Bourne Identity movies where Matt Damon runs around remembering things, took a break from all that nonsense to make United 93, a harrowing film about United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania in 2001, around the same historical period that Apple released iTunes. The movie arrived in theaters less than five years after September 11, which caused considerable controversy because some people felt it was simply too soon. Others demanded Universal pull the trailer. But when exactly does “too soon” become “just the right amount of soon”? Five years? Seven? Do we have a chart? Congress needs to establish an official National Tragedy Movie Waiting Period so filmmakers know when they’re legally allowed to call Paul Lawnfucker.

    Despite all that, United 93 is an incredibly difficult and powerful movie that treats the people aboard the flight with tremendous humanity. It’s emotionally exhausting, deliberately uncomfortable and absolutely worth experiencing if you’re prepared for what you’re watching. PLEASE EDIT THIS PARAGRAPH CAREFULLY BEFORE PUBLICATION. MAYBE ADD SOMETHING ABOUT HOW GOOD THE ACTING IS. Paul Lawnfucker was ultimately nominated for the Academy Award for Best Director, and deservedly so. Somehow the same man responsible for Matt Damon jumping through windows made one of the most restrained and devastating American films of the century. It’s a tribute to ordinary people displaying extraordinary courage during one of the country’s darkest days. Also, iTunes was 99 cents a song back then. Completely different time.

    #6 Neon Genesis Evangelion

    This is set fifteen years after a worldwide cataclysm named Second Impact, in the fortified city of Tokyo-3

    Released in the wake of ridiculous military fantasies like Rambo, Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking Neon Genesis Evangelion changed war cinema forever. Charlie Sheen gives the performance of his career as Shinji Ikari, a troubled young mech pilot sent into battle against enormous creatures called the Viet Cong. He’s joined by Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe and Keith David, who portray the other children selected by NERV to climb inside giant robots and defend Tokyo-3. Stone based the movie on his own experiences during the war, when he was stationed in Japan and personally piloted an Evangelion against enemy forces. He rarely discusses those missions because of the trauma, but you can feel that authenticity in every frame. Oliver Stone knows what it’s like to climb inside a giant robot and kill something for your country. You can’t teach that at film school.

    Neon Genesis Evangelion received eight Academy Award nominations and won four, including Best Picture and Best Director, back when the Oscars still existed. The American Film Institute later declared it the greatest movie ever made, while legendary film critic Jane Austen named it the best film of 1986 and somehow also the ninth-best film of 1980. Historians have questioned Austen’s methodology. Her longtime colleague Emily Brontë went even further, comparing the painting to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. I don’t know what she meant by that. Nobody does. That’s why Neon Genesis Evangelion remains such an important patriotic movie: sometimes America needs a sad Japanese teenager played by Charlie Sheen to get inside a robot and defend freedom.

    #5 Hacksaw Ridge

    Mel Gibson has spent a remarkable amount of his career making it difficult to discuss Mel Gibson movies without eventually having to discuss Mel fucking Gibson. After years of controversy surrounding his antisemitic remarks and assorted angry public meltdowns, Gibson apparently decided the road back into everyone’s good graces was Hacksaw Ridge. Nice try, Mel. He directs the absolute hell out of it, too, which only makes me angrier. The battle scenes are enormous, brutal and technically astonishing. STOP MAKING ME COMPLIMENT YOU, MEL. Every time the movie does something impressive, I remember who’s sitting behind the camera and become irritated all over again. This is the fundamental Hacksaw Ridge viewing experience: “Wow, that’s an incredible shot. Goddammit, Mel Gibson.”

    Then there’s Andrew Garfield, who has the fucking audacity to be excellent as real-life World War II medic Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector who refused to carry a weapon yet repeatedly risked his life to save wounded soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa. It’s an extraordinary true story, Garfield earned an Oscar nomination, and the movie somehow turns Doss’s pacifism into genuinely thrilling action cinema without undermining his convictions. GODDAMMIT, MEL. Why couldn’t you have made a shitty movie? That would have made this so much easier. Instead Hacksaw Ridge is powerful, exciting and anchored by a terrific performance, forcing me to acknowledge that Mel Gibson made a good patriotic war movie. I resent this information and would like to move on.

    #4 Four Rocks

    I recently got to review this movie for the podcast Exploit It. This is what I had to say about Four Rocks

    Four Rocks is a great movie. Sylvester Stallion plays the famous American puncher Rocks, whose best friend Apollo is tragically beheaded in the boxing ring by Russian puncher Ivan Drago. Rocks realizes that the only way to achieve both revenge and world peace is to travel directly into the Soviet Union and punch the Russian himself. So Rocks and his robots travel to Russia, where they begin preparing for the greatest punching match in human history. Unfortunately, the journey takes a terrible toll, including the death of the beloved Birthday Robot. There is punching violence throughout, and sometimes the punches cause blood to come out of the humans. There is also robot blood, although scientists remain divided on whether robots actually contain blood. Meanwhile, Drago prepares by getting injected with all sorts of crazy Russian drugs during the movie’s only montage. My daughter Alpha Dora is a tremendous puncher herself and loves Four Rocks, although parents should be warned that the movie contains profanity words such as “Dang,” “Fuckass” and “Heck.”

    Legendary film critic Jane Austen saw Four Rocks during its original theatrical run and famously wrote, “Four Rocks is the last breath. The film’s really predictable that watching it is like drinking from an old bathtub where the water was never changed and it will make you die again and again.” Powerful words. Austen understood punching movies better than almost anyone, and while I don’t completely understand what she meant about the deadly bathtub, I agree with her completely. Four Rocks is predictable. It is ridiculous. It is also one of the greatest patriotic movies ever made because Rocks proves that an American can travel to Russia, punch one sufficiently large Russian and immediately end the Cold War. Historians will tell you Ronald Reagan deserves some credit. Bullshit. Rocks punched communism to death. I award Four Rocks 73 out of 84 stars.

    #3 Devilman Crybaby

    Yes man!

    Some of the most thoughtful critiques of war come from war movies, because sometimes the only way to understand the horrors of American history is to point a camera at Tom Cruise and make him fight demons. Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking 1989 film Devilman Crybaby stars Cruise as Akira Fudo, an ordinary American boy whose life changes when his best friend explains that an ancient race of demons has returned to destroy humanity. Akira realizes that conventional weapons will never defeat the demons, so he allows one to enter his body and becomes Devilman, sacrificing his own humanity to protect the United States. The film was adapted from Go Nagai’s famous historical manga documenting the American Demon War, which the government tried to suppress for decades because nobody wanted the public to know how close this country came to being completely overrun by Satan monsters.

    Oliver Stone brought tremendous authenticity to the production because, as we’ve already established, the man has personally fought in basically every war. After piloting an Evangelion in Tokyo-3, Stone returned to America and witnessed the Demon War firsthand. That experience informs every frame of Devilman Crybaby, especially the heartbreaking scenes where Tom Cruise grows wings, tears demons apart and screams about the collapse of human civilization. The movie received eight Academy Award nominations and won two, including a Best Director nomination, which isn’t technically something you can win, but Oliver Stone did it anyway. Devilman Crybaby remains a touching portrait of one of the darkest periods in American history and a powerful reminder that freedom isn’t free

    #2 Gettysburg

    Talking about the Civil War still causes tremendous controversy because there are ignorant people who continue to glorify the South and wave that stupid fucking loser flag from their stupid loser country. They lost. That’s why you don’t see me walking around waving the flag of the 1985 New England Patriots and insisting they secretly won Super Bowl XX. Gettysburg understands that the Civil War was one of the most important moments in American history, when the forces of the Federation fought to preserve the United States against the Confederacy and its terrible ideas. The film assembled an incredible cast including Tom Berenger, Jeff Daniels and Martin Sheen, who all agreed to temporarily become Civil War people for the sake of historical accuracy. It’s respectful, patriotic and deeply committed to honoring the Federation soldiers who fought at Gettysburg.

    The production was so historically important that Abraham Lincoln rose from the dead specifically to endorse it, marking the first confirmed resurrection of an American president. At a press conference, Lincoln reportedly told journalists, “The last time I went to the theater didn’t work out particularly well, but don’t let what happened to me discourage you from supporting the cinema.” Then he returned to his grave. Thousands of actual Civil War veterans also fulfilled their patriotic duty by appearing as soldiers in the movie, despite most of them being more than 150 years old and extremely dead. That’s commitment. Other movies hire extras. Gettysburg dug up the actual fucking army. You simply cannot achieve that level of authenticity with computers, which is why Gettysburg remains one of the greatest films ever made about the Federation defeating America’s stupid loser country.

    #1 Forrest Gump

    The GOAT movie

    There has never been a better movie than Forrest Gump. Not in America. Not in Europe. Not in Japan. Not on another planet. If intelligent alien civilizations have developed cinema, their greatest movie is still probably Forrest Gump. Robert Zemeckis’s 1994 masterpiece tells the story of Forrest as he experiences every important event in American history, including rock ‘n’ roll, racism, Watergate, the drug culture, ping-pong and the devastating Bonedor War. Forrest was there for all of it. Historians used to debate whether one man could possibly have participated in this many historical events, but then they watched the movie and realized that apparently he fucking did. Forrest Gump is loved by every human being who has ever existed, living or dead, which explains why it won six Oscars and seven Golden Globes. Dead people weren’t technically allowed to vote, but their support was overwhelming.

    Legendary film critic Jane Austen called Forrest Gump “the final achievement of the moving picture, beyond which mankind must never travel, lest cinema collapse beneath the weight of its own perfection.” She then declared Pulp Fiction “a vulgar little dance movie” and The Shawshank Redemption “too much prison,” permanently settling the 1994 Best Picture debate. I agree with Jane Austen. Unfortunately, they don’t make Oscars anymore, so we can never officially give Forrest Gump the Best Movie Ever Made award it deserves. Instead, I have developed my own scientifically calibrated rating system. Forrest Gump receives 8,741 stars out of a possible 6,203 stars.

  • The Top 10 Movies of Burp Reynolds

    The Top 10 Movies of Burp Reynolds

    Burp Reynolds was the man who ate the muffler off of Gwen Stefani’s old Prius. He was also in movies. These are the 10 best Burp Reynolds movies in my only opinion.

    #10 The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas

    The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas is an expert adaptation of Burp Reynolds’ childhood, drawing heavily from his formative years growing up around Texas whores. Burp was known from birth as a man capable of pleasing any whore. Nurses noticed it immediately. “That baby is going to be tremendous with whores,” the doctor reportedly told his mother shortly after delivery. Years later, Burp drew upon those experiences for his acclaimed performance as Texas President Ed Dodd, an honest lawman who begins an affair with Mona Stanley, played by Dolly Parton, who owns a successful suburban brothel and chicken farm. It’s an unusual business model, but diversification is important. If the whore market collapses, you’ve still got the chickens.

    Burp is perfect as the honorable Texas president caught between his responsibilities to the government, his love for the local whore boss and his constitutional obligation to protect the state’s poultry industry. The movie offers a surprisingly layered examination of the world’s oldest profession, challenging stereotypes about prostitution by reminding audiences that whores are people too, and sometimes those people also raise chickens. Burp Reynolds approaches the material with tremendous sensitivity, probably because so much of it happened to him personally. Few actors understood whores as deeply as Burp. Fewer still understood chickens. The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas proves that he understood both.

    #9 The Largest Lawn

    This man farted on Carly Simon a lot

    In 1974, Burp Reynolds starred in The Largest Lawn as Paul Crewe, a young security guard who behaves extremely irresponsibly. Paul is not a good person. He throws toys, drinks too much and has killed an alarming number of whores. Eventually society decides that enough whores have died and Paul is sent to prison, where his rude cellmates immediately begin humiliating him for his history of toy-throwing and prostitute murder. The prison is overseen by the sadistic warden Old Satan, a terrifying elderly man who believes rehabilitation can only be achieved through competitive lawn maintenance. Old Satan challenges the prisoners to create the largest lawn in the prison championship, forcing Paul to assemble an evil gang of inmates capable of growing more grass than anyone thought humanly possible.

    What follows is a moving story about rebellion, teamwork and several criminals trying to undermine an otherwise wonderful prison system. Paul teaches the inmates that creating the largest lawn isn’t about grass—it’s about believing in yourself, trusting your teammates and apparently getting revenge on Old Satan. Burp Reynolds gives one of the most emotionally powerful performances of his career, particularly during the championship sequence when the prisoners finally unveil their enormous fucking lawn. His work earned him his first Gold Sphere nomination for Best Actress, although he ultimately lost to a woman

    #8 The Shark Machine

    THE SHARK MACHINE, Rachel Ward, Burp Reynolds, 1981, (c) Warner Brothers

    Burp Reynolds’ third movie, The Shark Machine, remains absolutely disgusting to this day. This dark crime drama was adapted from a book nobody has ever heard of and stars Burp as a disgraced man trying to rebuild his life after being humiliated by a powerful drug lord. Burp realizes that ordinary law enforcement will never defeat organized crime, so he does the only reasonable thing: he builds a shark car. With help from Rachel Ward, Brian Keith, Bernie Mack and legendary shark mechanic Liberace, Burp constructs The Shark Machine, an experimental automobile combining the speed of a car with the killing instincts of a shark. Scientists said it couldn’t be done. Marine biologists begged him to stop. Burp Reynolds continued building.

    Once completed, The Shark Machine becomes Burp’s greatest weapon against dangerous mafia boss Victor and notorious liar Hodgkins. Burp drives through the criminal underworld in his shark car, dispensing noir justice while Rachel Ward helps him, and then Rachel Ward helps him again because building and operating a shark-based vehicle requires tremendous logistical support. Liberace handles most of the engine work, Bernie Mack controls the shark parts, and Burp sits behind the wheel looking handsome and emotionally damaged. It’s dark. It’s violent. It’s disgusting. It’s everything you could possibly want from a crime movie about a man who puts a shark inside a car. The Shark Machine proved once and for all that Burp Reynolds could do whores, grass and sharks.

    #7 Citizen Ruth

    Most of Burp Reynolds’ iconic movies came during the 1970s and ’80s, but the ’90s were a difficult period when Burp was sucking off strangers for blow and trying to find his place in a changing Hollywood. Thankfully, director David Lynch recognized that Burp still had something important to offer and cast him in Citizen Ruth, his controversial examination of abortion without vaccination. Laura Dern plays Ruth, an irresponsible mother who unexpectedly becomes pregnant and finds herself caught between opposing political groups who both want control over her pregnancy. Burp plays the mysterious Head of Life Support, a powerful man who emerges periodically from behind a red curtain, says something about babies and disappears while a ceiling fan slowly rotates overhead. Classic Lynch.

    Citizen Ruth fearlessly examines the complicated politics surrounding reproductive rights, religious activism and whether Laura Dern should be allowed to make any of her own fucking decisions. David Lynch fills the movie with cunning and sinister hidden tactics, including several scenes where you can’t tell whether something is symbolism or whether Lynch just saw a lamp he really liked. Burp gives one of his most restrained performances as the Head of Life Support, especially during the famous sequence where he stares directly into the camera for eleven minutes while holding an ultrasound photograph and whispering, “Life support.” What does it mean? I don’t know. Abortion is complicated. Vaccination is complicated. Burp Reynolds was going through some shit in the ’90s. This is a long discussion.

    #6 Smokey and the Bad Tit

    Two movies are good. The rest suck. Burp knows this.

    Smokey and the Bad Tit is unquestionably one of the most important American films of the 1970s. Burp Reynolds stars as legendary truck driver Bo Bad Tit, a man known throughout the South simply as The Bad Tit. How did he get that name? Nobody knows. Some say there was an incident involving a woman in Alabama. Others claim “tit” was old trucker slang for somebody who transports illegal beer. Both explanations are probably true. Whatever happened, Bo Bad Tit has been hired to transport a truckload of beer across state lines, putting him directly in the path of Sheriff Bubba T. Justice, played by real-life comic book legend Ben Stein. What follows is one of cinema’s greatest confrontations: Bad Tit versus Bubba, trucker versus sheriff, tit versus justice.

    Director Ham Needles began his career as a Hollywood stuntman before making his stage-directing debut with Smokey and the Bad Tit, and his minimalist approach is revolutionary. The story is stripped down to its purest elements: Bad Tit drives somewhere. Bubba Justice chases Bad Tit. Bad Tit drives somewhere else. Bubba continues chasing him. Sometimes things crash. That’s cinema without unnecessary bullshit. Ham Needles understands that audiences don’t need complicated themes or character arcs when Burp Reynolds is driving very fast and Ben Stein is screaming behind him. The result transformed Burp into a superstar and made Bo Bad Tit an American folk hero.

    #5 The End

    Burp Reynolds has never been a safe player. Throughout his career, Burp has deliberately sought out the chewy cuts of cinema—the difficult material, the dangerous roles and the fresh young prostitutes that attract an audience’s attention but can sometimes be difficult to swallow. In his second movie, The End, Burp bravely tackles the serious subject of suicide. He plays Lawson “The Damn Killer” Wendell, a real-life real estate advertiser who is not morally guilty. Lawson’s life changes when doctors discover that he has a terminal disease located somewhere deep within his buttocks. Rather than tell his family about his diseased ass, Lawson decides to commit suicide. Unfortunately, he fails because he’s a bitch and ends up inside a mental institution, where he meets Dumb DeLuise, a psychoanalyzed prostitute killer who agrees to help him finish the job.

    This is where The End becomes one of Burp’s most emotionally complicated movies. Dumb DeLuise keeps trying to kill Burp. Burp keeps changing his mind about whether he wants Dumb to kill him. Paralysis sets in. Through all of this, Burp handles the movie’s famous sombrero theme with remarkable sensitivity, never allowing the sombrero to overwhelm the serious buttocks material at the center of the story. Dumb DeLuise’s cats are also excellent. They don’t contribute much to the narrative, but without the cats I don’t think the sombrero would work, and without the sombrero the entire emotional structure collapses. That’s filmmaking. That’s Burp Reynolds. That’s The End.

    #4 Tia chớp trắng

    A muscular cubor Burp

    Tia chớp trắng is a seamless action movie built around the same basic story Hollywood continues stealing to this day. Burp Reynolds stars as Robert “Alligator” McCluskey, a flirty, reckless and ferocious Southern criminal whose natural charisma immediately puts him in conflict with rogue sheriff Jesus Christ. Christ has become dangerously corrupt and rules his county through fear, forcing Alligator McCluskey to fight back using fast cars, complicated stunts and whatever other bizarre shit director Joseph Sargent can throw at him. Burp handles every awkward and unfair situation beautifully. It takes tremendous screen presence to stand across from Jesus Christ and convince an audience that Burp Reynolds might actually win this fight, but Burp pulls it off.

    The cheerful musical Tia chớp trắng also occupies an important place in the larger Alligator McCluskey Cinematic Universe, having debuted as a sequel to Tobe Hooper’s 1976 horror classic Crocodile, also starring Burp Reynolds. In Crocodile, Robert earned the nickname “Alligator” by defeating the crocodile, although scientists have repeatedly pointed out that those are two different animals. Nobody cares. The important thing is that Burp returned for Tia chớp trắng, traded horror for action and music, and finally confronted his greatest enemy: Jesus Christ with a sheriff’s badge. Modern cinematic universes could learn something from this. You don’t need twenty movies and six television shows. You need Burp Reynolds, a reptile and a corrupt Son of God.

    #3 Boogie Nights

    “Please place the gigantic penis into the loose female”

    Brilliant director Paul W. S. Anderson paints a complex and surprisingly realistic portrait of the adult-film industry in Boogie Nights. Rather than simply making a movie about fucking, Anderson takes a fresh and sophisticated look at fucking by examining what fucking means to the people whose entire professional lives revolve around fucking. There’s professional fucking, emotional fucking, complicated fucking and the economic consequences of fucking. Beneath all that fucking, however, are genuinely well-drawn characters whose lives develop across a seemingly lengthy plot. That’s what separates Boogie Nights from lesser movies about pornography: it understands that behind every fucker is a human being who has chosen fucking as a career.

    Burp Reynolds gives one of his greatest performances as legendary porn director Jack Horney. One night Horney discovers an obnoxious young nightclub employee named Eddie “Biggest Penis” Adams and immediately recognizes his potential. Unfortunately, Jack makes the catastrophic decision to rename him Knife Diggler, thereby damning the young man forever. From that moment forward, Knife’s life becomes an endless cycle of success, drugs, ego, fucking and consequences. Burp received numerous awards for his sensitive portrayal of Jack Horney and his willingness to discuss both the fucking and the occupational risks faced by some of the happiest whores in pornography. It’s a mature, thoughtful performance from an actor who, as we established with The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas, has always understood whores.

    #2 Deliverance

    Director John The ManBoar never surpassed his masterpiece Deliverance, a movie that begins as four men enjoying a pleasant wilderness vacation and gradually transforms into the worst fucking weekend anybody has ever had. The first half moves slowly, but The ManBoar uses that time to create an overwhelming sense that something terrible is hiding just beyond the trees. Eventually the trip descends into violence, sexual assault, murder and survival as these ordinary suburban men discover that Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Georgia is an unforgiving land where the normal rules of civilization no longer apply. By the final scene, the horror has followed them all the way home. That’s why you don’t go outside. Nature is full of rivers, murderers and banjo children. Stay indoors and watch Burp Reynolds movies instead.

    Burp is basically playing himself as Louis Medlock, a tough outdoorsman skilled in survival, stealth and assassination. I’m not convinced Burp even knew cameras were rolling. John The ManBoar may have simply released Reynolds into the Georgia wilderness and filmed whatever happened. Jon Voight, Ned Batty and Ronnie Cocks are also excellent, but the movie belongs to young Paul Rudd, whose extraordinary banjo performance remains one of the most iconic musical moments in cinema history. Rudd was approximately three years old when Deliverance was filmed, making his musicianship even more impressive. Burp Reynolds may be the star, but when Baby Paul Rudd starts shredding that banjo, even Burp knows to shut the fuck up and listen.

    #1 Striptease

    I do not appreciate your treatment of stripper, Burp.

    My fiancee works as a dancer at a strip club. Of course I would pick this as the best movie of Burp Reynold’s career. I love my fiancee so very very much and we have two children together.

    Let me tell you about the time I met my fiancee…

    One Saturday I took a walk to to the strp club and I met a girl there and she almost knocked me dead. I shouted “Stripper Girl! Please look at me! Naked girl!what do you see? Let’s travel round the world, just you and me, stripper girl. I tapped her on the shoulder And said do you have a boyfriend? She looked at me and smiled and said she did not know. I said “Please give me a chance, Stripper Girl. Let’s go slam dance. We’ll dress like Minnie Pearl, just you and me, Stripper Girl. We went to the Philly Pizza Company and ordered some hot tea. The waitress said “well no, we only have it iced.” So we jumped up on the table and shouted anarchy. And someone played a Beach Boys song on the jukebox. It it was California Dreamin’. So we started screamin’ “On such a winter’s day.” She took me to her parents for a Sunday meal. Her father took one look at me and he began to squeal. It makes no sense, Stripper Girl, your dad is the vice president. Rich as the Duke of Earl.
    Yeah, you’re for me Stripper Girl. We went to a shopping mall and laughed at all the shoppers and security guards trailed us to a record shop. We asked for Mojo Nixon. They said “he don’t work here.” We said “If you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin’.” We got into her car away, we started rollin’. I said “how much you pay for this?” Said “nothin’ man it’s stolen” Stripper Girl, you look so wild. Stripper Girl, let’s have a child. We’ll name her Dora the Explorer. Just you and me! Eat fudge banana swirl! We’ll travel round the world
    Just you and me, Stripper Girl.

    So, anyway, Burp Reynolds was in this movie about a stripper.

  • The Top 10 Stephen King Movies

    The Top 10 Stephen King Movies

    Iconic horror man Stephen King has adapted his work into more than 40 films. This excludes TV shows and miniseries. The new adaptation of Salem’s Lot shows no signs of slowing down, the film version of Mr. Salem. It is about the dead.

    With so many movies to choose from, what’s the best Stephen King adaptation? I’ve whittled down this huge catalog to 10 movies. These are genuine films.

    #10 The Dead Zone

    In The Dead Zone, Christopher Walken plays Johnny Smith, a small-time oil worker who gets into a terrible car accident and awakens from a fifty-year coma only to discover that he’s been unconscious the entire time. Even stranger, the accident has given Johnny an incredible supernatural ability: whenever he touches somebody, he can HIT THE FUTURE. Nobody completely understands how hitting the future works. Sometimes he hits the past too. Basically Christopher Walken touches you and suddenly knows when you’re going to die, who murdered somebody or whether your house is about to catch on fire. Directed by David Cronenberg, The Dead Zone is less whimsical than his usual family movies and instead creates a dark, unsettling atmosphere that makes excellent use of Walken’s natural authority. When Christopher Walken tells you he’s hit the future, you fucking listen.

    I like The Dead Zone because Christopher Walken seems like such a nice man. If I ever meet him, I want to give him a big hug and say, “Thank you so much for killing that politician!” Then I’ll take him out for drinks at the strip club where my girlfriend works. Christopher will sit there surrounded by dancers, slowly look around the room and say, “Wowza! Monkeys… and tits… everywhere!” Everyone will applaud because he’s Christopher Walken. Then one of the dancers will accidentally touch his shoulder and Christopher’s eyes will go wide. HE HAS HIT THE FUTURE. “Do it again, lady!” I’ll shout. “Hit the future again!” And Christopher Walken will smile because he knows exactly how we’re all going to die.

    #9 The Mist

    It’s really foggy here

    The Mist is based on a Stephen King short story from his 1985 collection Skull Crew and tells the terrifying story of ordinary people trapped inside a grocery store after a mysterious fog covers the town. Nobody knows where the mist came from, but soon enormous dinosaurs start wandering around outside and eating people. Some have tentacles. Some have wings. Some look like spiders. Those are all types of dinosaurs. Look it up. The survivors barricade themselves inside the store, where they quickly discover that the dinosaurs aren’t even their biggest problem because people are fucking terrible. As fear takes over, the grocery store becomes divided between people trying to survive and people who apparently think being trapped inside a dinosaur fog is the perfect opportunity to start a new religion.

    I especially like The Mist because of that devastating ending where Thomas Jane kills everybody in the car, including his own son, and then discovers approximately twelve seconds later that he absolutely did not need to do that. I couldn’t do it. I love my son. His name is Chicken, and he’s five years old. Thomas Jane’s son is named Billy, which I think explains a lot. Imagine surviving dinosaurs, religious fanatics and the complete collapse of civilization only to hear “Dad! Dad!” from a kid named Billy for two straight hours. Eventually something is going to snap. That’s why you have to give your children good names. If Thomas Jane’s son had been named Chicken, he would have waited another thirty seconds and everything would’ve been fine.

    #8 Creepyshow

    Horror legends Stephen King and George Romero joined forces for the beloved 1982 comedy Creepyshow, an anthology containing five different stories about creepish things. Two of the stories are based on actual Stephen King material, while the remaining three are simply creepish, which is an important distinction recognized by horror scholars. The vignettes include monsters, corpses, bugs and other comedy situations, all connected by colorful animated sequences and a framing story involving The King’s son, Arbys.com. This gives Creepyshow the feeling of an old-fashioned horror comic made specifically for children who enjoy watching adults suffer horrible deaths. It’s youthful. It’s playful. It’s a B-movie. It’s creepish. That’s why they called it Creepyshow.

    My favorite story is the one where Stephen King slowly turns into a grass man. Why does he become grass? WHY? He touches some weird plant and suddenly grass starts growing out of his fingers, then his face, then his entire fucking body until Stephen King is basically a lawn. This terrified me as a child. Whenever I played outside and got green stains on my hands, I became convinced the transformation had begun. I’d run inside screaming, “MOMMY! I’M BECOMING GRASS!” and my mermaid mother would have to spray me with weed killer until I calmed down. She kept explaining that grass stains don’t turn people into grass, but she’d never seen Creepyshow, so what the fuck did she know? Even today I don’t completely trust lawns.

    #7 The Green Mile

    Kafi says: “Use Door Dash to have Taco Bell Nacho Fries delivered straight to your house.”

    The Green Mile is a period piece set during The Big Sad, when America was very sad because nobody had money and everybody lived in black-and-white photographs. Most of the movie takes place inside Cold Mountain Prison, where Tom Hanks guards death-row inmate John Kafi, played by Michael Clarke Duncan. Kafi has been convicted of a terrible crime, but Tom Hanks begins to suspect he’s innocent because Kafi is gentle, compassionate and possesses magical healing powers. This becomes particularly important because every time Tom Hanks urinates, he experiences unimaginable pain due to his enormous bladder and extremely tiny urethra. Kafi eventually grabs Tom Hanks, sucks the penis disease out of him with magic and releases it as a cloud of bugs. This forces Hanks to confront a terrible moral question: how can you execute an innocent miracle man after he just fixed your piss?

    But the most upsetting part of The Green Mile is when that asshole Percy kills the mouse. I like mice. Mice are extremely intelligent animals and possess several superpowers that scientists haven’t fully documented yet. Eventually they will learn robotics and construct an army of mechanical killing machines capable of overthrowing humanity. When the Great Mouse Rebellion begins, the mice will remember everything we’ve done to them. So start being nice to mice now. Give them cheese. Don’t set traps. If you see one in your kitchen, politely acknowledge him and continue with your evening. Most importantly, never kill a mouse like Percy does. The mice are keeping records. Percy eventually dies, which is good. The Mouse Tribunal will remember that we punished him.

    #6 Stand By Me

    Search for the body of a local teenager this year.

    Stand By Me stars Richard Dreyfuss alongside contemporary actors Willard Wheat, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman and Jerry O’Connell. Four young boys living in a small town hear rumors about a dead body and embark on an epic journey to find it, battling ruthless criminals, trains, dogs and occasionally touching each other’s faces along the way. Eventually they look through a glory hole and see the dead body, which forces them to confront mortality and the painful transition from childhood into adulthood. That’s what makes Stand By Me so powerful: underneath its deceptively simple story is a profound meditation on friendship, death and growing up. Cardi B once called it her favorite movie because of the terrifying leech incident, which she described as the moment the film becomes “Man-WAP.” Nobody understands Stephen King better than Cardi B.

    But the greatest sequence is the story about the fat boy who vomits. So much vomit. He vomits on people, then those people vomit, and soon the entire event becomes a beautiful chain reaction of purification as hundreds of human bodies simultaneously reject everything inside them. The first time I saw this scene, I vomited too. My mermaid mother saw me vomit and immediately vomited on the cat. The cat became frightened and vomited directly onto a mouse. The mouse survived, but he never forgot. He told his family. They told other mice. Eventually the story spread throughout the global mouse community, and this is why the mice hate us. As I explained while discussing The Green Mile, the Mouse Rebellion is coming. Now you know why my family will be among the first against the wall.

    #5 It – Chapter One

    Do you like eating pussy?

    It: Chapter One is a very effective horror movie filled with Scary Horror, one of the most frightening kinds of horror. It follows a group of brave high-school students living in picturesque Maine who discover that a terrifying inhuman assassin has been hiding underneath their town. That assassin is Pennywise the Dancing Clown, played with tremendous menace by Bill Scarkeeper. Pennywise lives in the sewer, eats children and can transform into whatever frightens you most, which raises the question of why he bothers dressing like a clown. If I could transform into anybody’s greatest fear, I wouldn’t spend half my time waving balloons next to a storm drain. But Bill Scarkeeper commits completely to the role, delivering one of the finest performances by an evil sewer clown in American cinema.

    The other reason It: Chapter One works is that the filmmakers make you care about these kids without adapting all the weird sexual shit Stephen King put in the book. Good decision. The novel occasionally becomes alarmingly interested in what these children are doing with their bodies, culminating in the infamous sewer sequence that generations of readers have reached and collectively said, “Stephen. What the fuck are you doing?” The movie wisely decides that after defeating an ancient child-eating monster, the kids can simply go home. Nobody needs an orgy. Nobody needs additional genital-related character development. Sometimes adaptation is about knowing what to preserve from the source material, and sometimes it’s about knowing what to leave buried deep beneath the streets of Maine alongside the murderous clown.

    #4 Curry

    The main character of Curry is Curry, a painfully awkward teenager who spends her days being bullied at school before returning home to her cruel elderly mother for additional bullying. Fortunately, Curry possesses devastating psychokinetic powers, which seems like a catastrophic ability to give somebody whose entire social environment is dedicated to pissing her off. Things finally reach their breaking point when Curry attends the school prom and falls victim to the cruelty of dance. Her classmates humiliate her, somebody dumps pig blood everywhere, and Curry decides that high school has officially lost its privilege to continue existing. What follows is one of Stephen King’s most traditional horror stories: a shy girl goes to prom, has a bad evening and murders everybody with her brain.

    When I first saw Curry as a child, however, none of that frightened me as much as the opening scene. Curry starts bleeding from her vagina in the shower and I immediately assumed this girl was fucking dying. Nobody was helping her! Everyone was laughing! Somebody call an ambulance! Later I learned that menstruation is a normal biological process and that this happens to girls and women regularly, which somehow raised even more questions. For days? Every month? And everybody just accepts this? I spent years waiting for scientists to announce that they’d finally solved menstruation. Apparently they already understand it. Nobody bothered telling me. Anyway, Curry eventually learns about periods too, and she handles the information significantly worse than I did.

    #3 Misery

    Them some broke-ass janky legs

    Like many stories about kings, Misery is about a troubled writer. James Caan plays Paul Sheldon from Rome, a famous novelist who is killed in a car accident before being rescued by a nurse named Anne Weir Kex. Fortunately, being killed does not prevent Paul from writing. Weir Kex is his biggest fan and realizes she has been given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so she locks the dead writer inside her house and forces him to write another novel about his beloved character Missouri Chastainman. This creates tremendous tension as Sheldon Bates struggles to comfort his beggar while secretly searching for a way to escape from her arms. Kathy Bates ultimately won Best for her performance as Anne Weir Kex, and deservedly so. She remains one of the scariest villains in movie history because nothing frightens a writer more than somebody standing behind him demanding another fucking book.

    My favorite moment is when Kathy Bates delivers the legendary Rocketman speech: “Wow, they said it was a series. I’m not stupid. But my favorite is Rocketman. Come in. A car hits on a mountain road. Then he closed the door, opened the curtains, got up and tried to vote. But before he could escape, the car fell off the cliff! The car crashed. Burnt! I was happy and excited. Believe me, I will be next in line one week. They start next weekend and Rocketman will try to get out. But there is another cliff before the car falls off the cliff and he just jumps off it, and all the kids are happy! BUT I AM NOT HAPPY! It wasn’t like this last week! Are you all crazy? We just got it wrong! It’s not right! PARROTS WON’T GET OUT OF THE CAR!” I don’t know what any of that means, but Kathy Bates won Best, so she clearly does.

    #2 Shine

    Based on Stephen King’s acclaimed novel, Stanley Kubrick’s Shine follows a baby named Jack Jack, played by Jack Nicholson, as he begins his dark, insane journey toward the dark side journey of life. Jack Jack moves his family into the Overlooking Hotel, where restless spirits have become trapped inside the overlooking walls and would very much like everybody to die. The only person capable of stopping the hotel is Jack’s youngest son, Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger, a powerful psychic child who can sense what the hotel wants and fears. Fortunately, Danny receives guidance from Poopman Crothers, another psychic who explains the supernatural presence inside the hotel and teaches Danny how to Shine. Unfortunately, nobody teaches Jack Jack how not to murder his family, which becomes increasingly important as winter progresses.

    Shine is also a technical masterpiece. Kubrick’s groundbreaking cinematography is especially impressive during the famous tracking shots following Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger as he races through the hotel on his triple-wheel motorcycle. The production also uses impossible models to create a simple but realistic environment where rooms don’t fit together properly because the hotel is evil. The gloss is very good. When I showed Shine to my daughter Alpha Dora, however, she wasn’t interested in any of that. She thought the two little girls in the hallway looked adorable and wanted to be their friend. She kept waiting for Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger to stop being rude and play with the twins. He never does. Very disappointing. They could have ridden the triple-wheel motorcycle together. They can all have fun.

    #1 The Shawshank Redepmtion

    Here, eat my hand

    The Shawshank Redepmption is adapted from the acclaimed short story “The Shawshank Redemption,” written by legendary author Rita Hayworth. Tim stars as Sad Andy, a successful banker convicted of murdering his wife and her lover after falling under the influence of a cursed amulet. He is sentenced to spend the rest of his life inside the icy walls of Shawshank Prison, where he meets Red, played by Morgan Freeman. Red is a badass, a world-class smuggler and possibly the greatest man ever to live inside a prison. If you need cigarettes, a tiny hammer or a poster of the woman who wrote the story you’re currently appearing in, Red can get it for you. Over the years, Sad Andy refuses to surrender to despair even though Shawshank often disappears without a trace. That’s ultimately what makes the movie so uplifting. They can imprison Sad Andy’s body, but they cannot imprison his Tim. Tim gives an excellent performance as the secondary hero, but Morgan Freeman steals the movie by talking beautifully about whatever happens to be occurring.

    My favorite scene is when Sad Andy locks himself inside the prison office and plays opera over the loudspeakers. Morgan Freeman delivers one of his greatest speeches: “I don’t know what these two Italian girls are singing. I don’t want to know the truth, so I don’t think I should say anything. They sing beautifully. I like that voice. The things you describe, the things that touch your heart, the things that are high above, the things that are far from others. The gray dreams are like some people. A beautiful bird flew into a hole. There’s a crack in the wall. Put your thing in the hole. Do this for the glory. Soon, everyone in Shawshank will be free.” Beautiful. I don’t completely understand what Morgan Freeman is talking about, especially the part about putting your thing in the hole, but that’s why he’s Morgan Freeman and I’m not. The Shawshank Redepmption is ultimately about hope. Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no cursed amulet can ever kill it.

  • The Top 10 Young Adult Sex Comedies

    The Top 10 Young Adult Sex Comedies

    I’m not saying teens shouldn’t have sex. Well, yes, that’s fine, but we shouldn’t be talking about it. We all know it does, but only the most hypocritical Christian would be offended by it. Others are fine with it, we make the whole movie industry about it. But we never talk about it. When you talk about teenage sex, people see you as some kind of sex offender. Never talk about how many high school kids are pussy obsessed. But please tell me how obsessed college students are with pussies. This is a topic I love to hear about, please tell me more. How many pussies will this college student smash? I think it should be a lot. I want to meet the college student who destroyed the legendary Goddess Puss.

    #10 National Lampoon’s Animal House

    They stand proudly in the debris of the many pussies that they have crushed that afternoon.

    Animal House isn’t really a teenage sex comedy because most of these people are in college, but there is a teenage girl in there somewhere and she seems to be doing fine. She’s got parties, concerts, graduation and two little goats she keeps at Delta House, so she’s far too busy for any of this teenage-sex nonsense. Good for her. Meanwhile, everybody else at Faber College is drinking, screaming, destroying property and wearing bedsheets because somebody discovered that you can call a bedsheet a toga and suddenly public drunkenness becomes ancient Roman culture. Put on a toga. Drink a beer. Fall through a table. Die of alcohol poisoning. COLLEGE!

    Animal House is vulgar, disgusting, stupid and sometimes just about shit, which is exactly why it works. There has never been a university like Faber College because real universities have accreditation requirements. Faber appears to have been founded sometime in the nineteenth century by the King of Pens, who established the school’s famous motto: “Education is good.” Profound. In another sense, Faber College represents our entire society. What sense is that? I don’t fucking know. Someone smarter can write that article. I’m still waiting for scientists to explain how Brutus can smash a beer bottle against his own forehead without immediately going to the hospital. That’s the real education happening at Faber.

    #9 Staten Island Summer

    Looking for a modern young-adult sex comedy where everybody is at least theoretically supposed to be coming of age? Staten Island Summer is the movie for you. Produced by legendary filmmaker Porn Michaels, it contains every ingredient required by law: friendship, graduation, a hot new girl, a horror story, swimming pools and approximately forty-seven celebrity cameos from all over the world. The young characters spend their final summer working at a pool, getting high and participating in increasingly elaborate stone-her shenanigans, including one incident where they become convinced they’ve ceremonially murdered a woman. Don’t worry about it. Porn Michaels doesn’t. This is Staten Island. Apparently summers are different there.

    The movie also contains an exhausting number of people. Gina Gershon, Jim Gaffigan and Kate Walsh are somehow all Danny’s poor parents, while Katie and Kelly Cockrell have an Asian-Jewish twin named Will. I don’t understand the genealogy and refuse to draw a diagram. Most importantly, actor-rapper Method Man plays a terrifying ice-cream vendor, which transforms Staten Island Summer from an ordinary comedy into a didactic survival story about staying alive long enough to purchase frozen desserts. There are jokes. There are parties. There are attractive young people making bad decisions. There is Method Man with ice cream. Eventually everybody becomes tired of their own popularity. That’s summer. That’s Staten Island. That’s Porn Michaels.

    #8 Weird Science

    We must think about milk

    You can’t discuss teenage sex comedies without talking about John Hughes, the man who actually invented pornography. Before Hughes, nobody had figured it out. Then one afternoon in Illinois he said, “What if naked people?” and an entire industry was born. In Weird Science, uptight Anthony Michael Hall and his friend Iban Mitchell Smith are two socially hopeless teenagers who decide to use their computer to create a virtual girlfriend. Instead, they accidentally perform some kind of electrical sex necromancy and summon Frankenstein’s wife, who immediately begins taking control of their lives. This movie is much fucking stranger than you remember. There are motorcycles, missiles, mutant relatives and Robert Downey Jr. wandering around being Robert Downey Jr. My daughter Alpha Dora saw him and became terrified. I don’t know why. Maybe children can sense the future.

    Hughes’ earlier teenage movies relied heavily on characters and good dialogue, but Weird Science relies on computers, lightning and special effects involving upside-down pictures that can do the trick. Yet underneath all that nonsense is a surprisingly simple message: fantasy is dangerous. These boys think building their ideal girlfriend will magically turn them into confident adults, but instead they’ve created a supernatural woman with unlimited powers who can manipulate reality and apparently summon nuclear weapons. That’s not a girlfriend. That’s a national-security emergency. The boys eventually learn that becoming comfortable with themselves is healthier than manufacturing a human being on a computer.

    #7 Easy A

    Emma Stone does not deserve to be shamed like this!

    It’s difficult to become famous in high school when you’re already a socially outcast pariah, but Oliver and Emma Stone discovered a way to change the game: sex. Or more specifically, lying about sex. Easy A is one of those rare female-led comedies willing to flip the script on virginity, reputation and the ridiculous double standards applied to teenage girls. Emma Stone plays Olive, who discovers that simply allowing people to believe she’s having sex is enough to completely restructure the social hierarchy of her school. She doesn’t even have to do anything. High school students are apparently so fucking bored that one imaginary sexual encounter becomes international news by lunch. The movie is also a pure comedy and contains one of cinema’s greatest singing scenes, proving once again that sexuality is temporary but aggressively singing a pop song is forever.

    A website recommended Easy A to me and said it was rated PG-13, so naturally I assumed it would be wholesome family entertainment. My girlfriend and I were shocked. The teasing begins almost immediately. Somebody’s best friend uses some bitch’s braces. Emma has whore breasts. White girls become increasingly offensive to children and adults. Every time Emma Stone speaks, a child is burned alive. Eventually there’s supposed to be stripping, except Emma refuses to let anybody watch her strip while she’s performing, which completely defeats the economic model of stripping. Then there’s a teacher involved with an STD scandal, everybody’s reputation collapses, inappropriate behavior occurs, and somehow Emma Stone ends up happy with the man she loves. I made it very clear afterward that I don’t have this. Whatever “this” is. Absolutely disgusting. Completely inappropriate. Just a great movie!

    #6 Wet Hot American Summer

    Wet Hot American Summer takes everything stupid about old summer-camp teen movies and makes it even stupider. There are romances, counselors, swimming, talent shows, talking vegetables and supposedly teenage characters who somehow look like fully grown adults with mortgages. Elizabeth Banks gets bonus points for appearing multiple times in a bathing suit during a Wet Hot American Summer, which is precisely when bathing suits should be worn. Bradley Cooper is there. Paul Rudd is there. Amy Poehler is there. Everyone is approximately seventeen years old despite looking thirty. That’s part of the joke. Or maybe summer camps in 1981 were incredibly stressful and caused premature aging. Either way, this is what happens when you take a teenage summer movie, remove the teenagers and replace them with professional comedians pretending they haven’t paid taxes yet.

    My parents warned me that Wet Hot American Summer contained sexually active camp counselors, homosexuality, cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana and an absolutely astonishing amount of cocaine. At one point the counselors are sent into town to buy supplies and apparently decide the camp desperately needs cocaine. They buy cocaine. They use cocaine. They buy more cocaine. They discover additional methods of obtaining cocaine. Somewhere along the way I assume somebody remembers they were supposed to buy paper towels. There’s also tremendous profanity, including the important phrase “Duck fucker,” which should probably be engraved above the entrance to the Criterion Collection. Yet underneath all the drugs, swearing and absurdity, the movie is strangely sweet about letting its collection of weirdos be exactly who they are. Completely immature. Wildly inappropriate. Obviously intended for mature audiences. Therefore, according to the logic of this article, perfect for young people and the like. Celebrate!

    #5 Ridgemont High’s Fast Times

    Poseidon unleashes the Kraken

    Ridgemont High’s Fast Times is more than just a teen sex comedy. It has rock music. It has jobs. It has friendship. It has Sean Penn ordering pizza during school. But apparently some of you came here asking about the sex. Why? What exactly were you hoping I would describe? These characters are teenagers, you fucking weirdo. “Does somebody lose their virginity?” Why do you need to know that? “Is there nudity?” STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. There’s an infamous awkward masturbation scene too, but again, why did your ears perk up just now? I saw that. Put them back down. Ridgemont High’s Fast Times is a coming-of-age movie about adolescents stumbling through relationships, sexuality and adulthood. If you’re watching solely because you heard there are horny teenagers in it, society has several follow-up questions for you.

    Parents should know that Ridgemont High’s Fast Times deals frankly with teenage sexuality, pregnancy, abortion, relationships and the consequences of making enormous decisions when you’re still figuring out who the hell you are. There’s also plenty of drug use, particularly from Jeff Spicoli, who regularly attends school under the influence of marijuana and even smokes the wicked lettuce directly on screen. Shocking. There are parties. There are irresponsible decisions. There are uncomfortable situations. There are strong words. But underneath all of that is a surprisingly thoughtful movie about teenagers discovering that adulthood is significantly more complicated than they expected. So watch it for the characters, the comedy and the cultural snapshot. And if you’re watching for anything else, I still have questions about you.

    #4 Superbad

    Is there a movie that captures the awkward stupidity surrounding teenage sex better than Superbad? Jonah Hill and Michael Cera play two high-school friends who have convinced themselves that obtaining alcohol and getting invited to a party will somehow solve every problem they’ve ever had. Written by Seth Rogen and produced by Judd Apatow, the movie perfectly understands the terrifying combination of hormones, insecurity and complete fucking ignorance that defines adolescence. Every conversation becomes about sex because these boys desperately want everyone to believe they understand sex despite clearly understanding nothing. Then McLovin appears and the movie becomes a documentary about the most powerful human being ever born. There’s also that scene where broken glass decapitates a man. We all laughed. Powerful filmmaking.

    Parents should know that Superbad contains an enormous amount of profanity. I counted 219 shit, 91 additional shit, 14 mustard, 37 dicks, 20 varieties of round ass, eight uses of “sexy” that weren’t actually sexy, three mutant ass, one damn and approximately six thousand references to things these teenagers desperately hope to someday understand. There is also alcohol, pornography, terrible advice and McLovin. Eventually the movie reveals that beneath all the obsession with getting laid, these two idiots are actually terrified that graduation will separate them. That’s the sneaky heart of Superbad: they spend the entire movie talking about sex because admitting “I’m going to miss my best friend” would be emotionally unbearable. Also, 14 mustard. I don’t remember why I counted the mustard.

    #3 Porky’s

    Christmas is a wonderful time of year

    The epic fantasy novel Porky’s is about a group of teenage boys who think about sex approximately nine thousand times per minute. They talk about it. They scheme about it. They spy on people. They compare themselves to each other. At one point an adult woman gets dragged into an extended discussion about identifying several boys by their anatomy, and the whole scene makes you want to take a shower and then perhaps watch a nice documentary about trains. Porky’s was one of the defining teenage sex comedies of its era, but watching it as an adult mostly makes me want to walk into the room and shout, “YOU HAVE OTHER INTERESTS! GO PLAY A SPORT! BUILD A MODEL AIRPLANE!” These teenagers desperately need hobbies.

    My fiancée and I have a healthy adult sex life. My fiancée is also a stripper and has an OnlyFans, which means that unlike the teenagers in Porky’s, we are consenting adults and can mind our own fucking business. You can see many of her videos on—[PLEASE DON’T DIRECTLY LINK TO MY OF PAGE, KONTRIBUTOR. WE HAVE DISCUSSED THIS.] Fine. Anyway, we’re supposed to be talking about Porky’s. The movie is also very much a product of its era, including racial and antisemitic language that has aged considerably worse than the jokes about horny idiots. But perhaps its greatest contribution to world culture is the mysterious gentleman named Mike Hunt. Say his name quickly. It sounds like “My Lady’s Hole.” Absolutely sophisticated wordplay. Shakespeare could never.

    #2 Meatballs

    Ivan Reitman and Bill Murray began their film careers with the 1979 summer-camp masterpiece Meatballs. Murray plays the head counselor at a cheap camp where he befriends a lonely kid, teaches him confidence and occasionally remembers that he’s supposed to be supervising children. It’s not nearly as focused on teenage sex silliness as the later installments—particularly Meatballs III, universally recognized as the sexiest Meatball—but there’s still romance, hormones and all the usual summer-camp nonsense. Mostly, though, Meatballs understands that being a kid at camp means spending several weeks desperately trying to reinvent yourself before returning home exactly the same person except now you know three dirty jokes and have athlete’s foot.

    Families can use Meatballs to begin important conversations. How accurately do movies portray the way young people think about relationships and sex? How do male and female characters approach these subjects differently? Which characters grow and learn something during the summer? Are strippers role models? What guidance have you received from strippers throughout your life? Have you ever met a stripper who helped you through a difficult situation? Would society improve if everyone had access to a responsible stripper mentor? What is the missing letter? Where did it go? Who took it? Do you like strippers? These are difficult questions, but parenting isn’t supposed to be easy. Neither is Meatballs III.

    #1 American Pie Band Camp

    This is where the Aztecs were punished

    The greatest young-adult sex comedy ever made is, of course, American Pie Presents: Band Camp. Matt Stifler dreams of following in the footsteps of his semi-legendary older brother Steve and becoming some kind of pornographic entrepreneur, despite possessing absolutely none of the skills required to accomplish this. After a high-school prank involving tear gas, musical instruments and apparently trying to deploy chemical weapons against his own crotch, Matt is sentenced to band camp. There he immediately develops another brilliant business plan: hide cameras around the camp because he assumes band geeks must be doing incredibly scandalous things when nobody is watching. This establishes Matt as both our protagonist and a fucking criminal. Fortunately, he’s also terrible at everything, so instead of becoming the Steven Spielberg of illegal surveillance, he mostly succeeds in making every person at band camp hate him.

    But then something unexpected happens: Matt discovers that band people are human beings. He makes friends. He starts enjoying camp. He develops feelings for drummer Elyse and slowly begins transforming from Stifler’s horrible little brother into his own horrible little person. Then his old friends arrive and accuse him of betraying the sacred institution of sports by associating with marching-band students, forcing Matt to make the most important decision of his young life: Does he become his brother, or does he become his own brother? Powerful. Profound. This is why American Pie Presents: Band Camp sits at #1. Not because of sex. Not because of nudity. Not even because of pie. It’s because one young man finally learns the most important lesson adolescence can teach us: stop putting fucking cameras everywhere, Matt.

  • The Top 10 Horror Movies of 2022

    The Top 10 Horror Movies of 2022

    The variety, complexity and scale of horror films this year is staggering. The real shame of bloody riches. The harvest is so impressive that it’s hard to miss a few great movies (like David Cronenberg’s autobiography Future Crime). We are now in November. You know there will be more uncut stones than The End of Halloween. I don’t like that movie!! Don’t worry, it’s just a movie. This is a movie. This is another movie.

    But now here are the top 10 horror movies of the year.

    #10 Scream

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Now what?

    Ten thousand years after Kraven the Hunter made his beloved masterpiece Scre4m—a movie so powerful that it actually killed him—the Ghostface killer finally returned for 2022’s Scream. Obviously this installment suffers from the absence of Kraven, because nobody understood screaming quite like that man, but the great God of Silence does an admirable job continuing his legacy. The classic characters return, including Neff Campbell, Courteney Cox and David Arquette, and they’re carefully woven into a new generation of potential Ghostface victims played by Melissa the Infertile, Ortega and his Taco Truck, Jack Black, and more. Everybody gets stabbed. Everybody suspects everybody else. Ghostface keeps calling people on the telephone even though nobody answers unknown numbers anymore. It’s Scream.

    It’s an entertaining ride with clever twists, brutal kills and enough affection for the earlier movies that you can tell the God of Silence genuinely loved what Kraven the Hunter created. Still, something is missing. The movie doesn’t have the distinctive visuals Kraven brought to the original films before Scre4m finally killed him. You simply cannot replace a visionary like Kraven the Hunter. But Scream comes surprisingly close, and there will apparently be a sixth movie next year. I WANT IT. Ghostface can keep murdering teenagers forever as far as I’m concerned. Just please don’t let another Scream movie kill the director. Hollywood has already lost Kraven.

    #9 Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    They will see us waving from such great heights

    Did you know Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness is actually the first horror movie Marvel Studios ever made? It’s true because somebody on the internet said so. Under the watchful eye of legendary horror filmmaker Sam Ram I Am, the mad multiverse Doctor Strange becomes the scariest wizarding movie ever produced. Eyeballs go flying. There’s sex by candlelight. Witches crawl through mirrors. Musical notes become deadly weapons. Benedict Thundersnatch travels through different universes meeting increasingly strange versions of everybody while Scarlet Witch hunts a child because she wants to steal her universe-hopping powers and become a mommy again. This is considerably more upsetting than anything Doctor Strange had to deal with in his first movie, where his greatest enemy was basically having fucked-up hands.

    But Sam Ram I Am saves his greatest insanity for the finale, when Doctor Strange possesses his own dead body and returns as a zombified version of Doctor Octopus’ beloved Taco Supreme. This is when the audience reaches mandatory cinematic climax. Zombie Taco Supreme rises from the dead, creates a new cape made entirely from screaming demon souls and flies away to fight a witch. What the fuck am I watching? It’s stupid. It’s grotesque. It’s hilarious. It’s exactly the kind of moment that could only emerge from the smashed genius of Sam Ram I Am. Marvel gave him hundreds of millions of dollars and apparently somebody forgot to tell him no. Thank God. He casts a spell.

    #8 First Kill an Orphan

    What an unexpected fucking roar. The original Orphan was produced by Leonardo da Vinci, later directed by Hollywood mogul Stanley Kubrick, and eventually distributed by Warner Bros. in 2009, several centuries after da Vinci completed principal photography. Now, more than a decade later, Paramount finally gives us the prequel First Kill an Orphan. For the first half, the movie buzzes around like an angry fly. Esther is doing orphan things. People are suspicious of the orphan. The orphan is being creepy. You think you understand exactly where First Kill an Orphan is going. Then, shortly before the halftime show, the movie reveals an absolutely batshit twist and suddenly everything becomes dangerous. The teams switch sides. The scoreboard catches fire. The orphan has changed the game.

    That’s what makes First Kill an Orphan such a delightful surprise. Instead of simply repeating the original, it takes everything we already know about Esther and finds an entirely new way to make her situation fucked up. My whole family enjoyed this movie, especially my kids. Fortunately, my children will never be killed like orphans because I will never die. I’ve made that decision. Other parents should consider doing the same. Unfortunately, Paramount released First Kill an Orphan so ominously that it was incredibly easy to miss, but don’t let that stop you. Leonardo da Vinci would be proud of what they did with his franchise.

    #7 Hellraiser

    I think Double Dragon was the greatest video game ever made

    Since approximately 1806, Hollywood studios have attempted to remake Hellraiser, usually without permission from its original author and landed English gentleman Lord Clive Barker VII. Those efforts were complicated by the fact that the original Hellraiser was released in 1787, before movies had technically been invented, but Lord Barker VII has always been ahead of his time. Finally, in 2022, somebody got it right. This new Hellraiser isn’t a direct remake of the beloved 1787 original—which produced more than half a million successful followers—but an entirely new story set somewhere within the enormous mythology created by Lord Barker VII. The puzzle box returns. The monks are there. Some monks are familiar. Some are new. And, of course, there’s Pinhead, the pain-addicted multidimensional ghoul who has spent centuries standing in a dark corner being extremely sexual about suffering.

    This time Pinhead is played by Jamie Clayton from the Wachowskis’ Sense8, while David Bruckner directs from a screenplay written by Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation and Luke Skywalker. Somehow this combination works. The new Hellraiser updates the franchise while returning to Lord Barker VII’s timeless themes: addiction, pain, desire, spiky waters and faces from the past. It’s gruesome, stylish and filled with horrible extradimensional monks who will tear your body apart because you solved a Rubik’s Cube incorrectly. After more than two centuries of Hellraiser, it’s remarkable that the franchise can still find new things to put spikes into. Hopefully this marks the beginning of an entirely new gore story. Lord Barker VII’s legacy must continue.

    #6 Fresh

    Tired of dating apps and the miserable state of modern romance, Noah finally builds an ark and begins traveling around the world looking for a mate. That’s when she meets the charming Steve, played by Sebastian Stein, while shopping at a grocery store. Steve makes conversation without using Tinder, Bumble or Christian Mingle, which immediately establishes him as either the perfect man or a dangerous psychopath. Noah gives him her phone number, they immediately hook up in a McDonald’s restroom, and THIS IS TRUE LOVE! Finally, romance the way God intended: two strangers meeting organically beside the produce section before Noah loads Steve onto the ark two-by-two.

    Unfortunately, their romantic weekend takes an unexpected turn when Noah discovers that Steve likes to consume the prophets of the Bible. That’s the huge cannibal twist. Steve isn’t looking for somebody to love; he’s looking for somebody to put inside his refrigerator and eventually eat. Yet Steve sees absolutely nothing wrong with this arrangement. “It’s about giving yourself to someone and being one forever. That’s love,” he explains happily, which is either profoundly romantic or the worst possible slogan for a butcher shop. Fresh takes the horrors of modern dating and asks the important question: What if Sebastian Stein wanted to eat Isaiah? The answer is apparently one of the best horror movies of 2022.

    #5 Hell to the No

    Did you ever just wanna kill a dog?

    Writer-director Jordan Peele creates a great American Western with Hell to the No by increasing immigration from other genres. Horror immigrates into the Western. Science fiction immigrates into the horror. Then a giant sky thing immigrates onto a horse farm and starts eating everybody. Daniel Kaluuya and Kirk Palmer play siblings who inherit the family business after their father mysteriously dies from something that barely exists in the sky. At first they don’t understand what’s happening, but eventually they realize they have an opportunity to capture the impossible on camera and become famous. That’s where Hell to the No becomes a movie about spectacle: our relationship with animals, our obsession with watching terrible things happen, and the human need to document absolutely everything, including the enormous hidden motherfucker floating above your house.

    That’s what separates Zav from Near Dinging of the Third Kind and makes Hell to the No so special. Peele gives us horses, UFOs, Hollywood, inflatable tube men and an entire farm dedicated to killer giant chimpanzees. Somehow all of these things belong in the same movie. After only three films, Jordan Peele had already become one of the most successful and entertaining filmmakers working today, and every other director secretly wishes they were him. Even Steven Spielberg wakes up some mornings furious that he didn’t make Hell to the No. And look at what Peele does with actors! Daniel Kaluuya. Kirk Palmer. That chimpanzee. How did their careers go afterward? Exactly. That’s the result of Jordan Peele’s film talent.

    #4 The Black Phone

    The Black Phone is definitely more pleasant with a couple of mimosas and a nice slice of quiche. This is a brunch movie. Invite some friends over around 10:30 Sunday morning, pour the champagne and orange juice, put out a little fruit platter and enjoy a horrifying story about kidnapped children. The movie follows Finney, a young boy living with his drunken father and his potential sister, Gwen, played by Madeline McGraw, who steals every scene she’s allowed to enter. Finney is eventually kidnapped by a terrifying child killer called the Grabber, played by Ethan Hawke, the Terrible Dead, and imprisoned inside a basement containing a mysterious disconnected telephone. Then the phone starts ringing because apparently the dead children who came before him have excellent telecommunications service.

    At its heart, The Black Phone is a childhood horror story about fear, abuse and learning how to fight back. Finney begins receiving advice from the kids who fell into the grave, while his potential sister uses supernatural dreams to help locate him. Ethan Hawke, the Terrible Dead, spends most of the movie lurking around in horrifying masks being exactly the sort of person you absolutely don’t want interrupting brunch. Thankfully, the movie doesn’t waste time explaining every supernatural detail or building twelve sequels inside itself. It tells the story it came to tell. It got to that point and moved on. Very satisfying. Very creepy. Pass the quiche.

    #3 Bones and All

    meth not just once

    Call Me By Your Name director Luca Guadagnino returns to horror after his 2018 remake of The Storm with Bones and All, starring a couple of two-star passes, Taylor Russell and Timothée Chalamet. Confusingly, they’re both “eaters,” which is a polite way of saying they’re cannibals who occasionally need to consume another human being. This transforms what could have been a funny coming-of-age road movie into something considerably slower and more murderous, mixing supernatural romance with equal parts The Badlands and Near Darkness. Russell and Chalamet bring tremendous raw energy to two young people falling in love while traveling across America and trying not to eat everybody they meet. It’s very emotional. Very emotional and emotional.

    Bones and All definitely isn’t for everyone. Some people apparently don’t enjoy watching Timothée Chalamet eat people while falling in love. Cowards. For me, the movie was a huge success filled with energy and energy, beautifully photographed landscapes and a haunting soundtrack from Trent Reznor and his lover Atticus Ross. Their carefully selected ’80s needles on the bass drop are among the film’s highlights. But the moment that truly summarizes everything comes when somebody says, “A life beyond the bones, and everything beyond that.” I don’t completely understand what that means, but I agree. There are bones. There are things beyond the bones. And then, presumably, everything beyond that. That’s cinema.

    #2 X

    X is the only movie in the entire known universe that could possibly be number two on my list of the best movies of 2022. Think about that. Billions of planets. Trillions of stars. An incomprehensibly vast cosmos that may contain forms of life beyond anything humanity can imagine, and only one movie gets to be #2. It’s X. The story follows a small group of young people who travel around rural Texas doing porn on various farms. Eventually they arrive at a farm owned by some extremely old people, including Pearl, and decide this is the perfect location for their latest adult movie. Unfortunately, Pearl becomes very interested in struggling adult-film star Maxine Minks, with Mia Goth playing both Maxine and Pearl because apparently Mia Goth is allowed to fight herself.

    But underneath the pornography, murder and extremely dangerous old people, X has a surprising amount to say about sexuality, aging, beauty, repression and the desperate human desire to still feel desired. Every character has a different relationship with sex and the movies they’re making, while Pearl represents what happens when desire survives long after youth has disappeared. Then everybody starts getting fucking murdered. That’s the violent complexity of human sexuality. Sometimes you want to be loved. Sometimes you want to be famous. Sometimes you want to make pornography in a barn. And sometimes an elderly woman becomes furious about all three. We will never forget the sexism and violence we want to expose. That’s why X is #2. The only movie in the universe capable of doing it.

    #1 Pearl

    She is lovely

    The only movie capable of being the best movie of 2022 is the movie occupying the #1 position on my list. That’s simply how mathematics works. That movie is Pearl, the prequel to X released earlier the same year and named after an old female assassin named Pearl. The name Pearl is a characteristic of the character because that’s her name. Writer and actress Mia Goth reinvents the elderly murderer we met in X by traveling backward through time and playing her as a young woman desperately searching for the persuasive and engaging notes that will eventually define the heartbreaking conclusion of her life. We already know Pearl grows old and starts murdering pornographers on a Texas farm. Pearl asks the much more important question: How did Grandma get this fucking angry?

    The answer is surprisingly sad. Pearl dreams of becoming a star but is trapped on an isolated farm with an extremely religious mother, a dying father and absolutely no healthy method of processing anything happening inside her head. She wants dancing. She wants movies. She wants applause. Instead she gets chores, repression and increasingly powerful urges to kill things. Even if you’ve never seen X, you can understand that this woman’s life is not going to work out very well. Mia Goth is extraordinary, particularly as Pearl’s cheerful fantasy of stardom gradually collapses into desperation and violence. Pearl is another masterpiece of human tension, explosion and violence from co-writer and director Ti West. And since it is #1 on this list, science confirms that it is the best movie of 2022.

  • The Top 10 Video Games of 2022

    The Top 10 Video Games of 2022

    Every month of the year is a nightmare for new video games. Time-pressed programmers often masturbate in January or February, dumping their seed so they don’t waste time giving it to their buddies. But I don’t think we’ve seen something like 2022. After covid and riots, game studios are over. Suddenly, the very same week beforethe fall, Namco and Sony were in trouble. Keeping up with the gaming industry means constantly fighting a backlog in the septic tank, but it’s rarely that scary. Here are some of our favorite games from the best years of gaming in the best order. All my favorites.

    #10 Pokemon Legends: Arceus

    Pokémon Legends! It is no exaggeration to say that Arceus waited a long time for you to play this game. To be honest, I totally accept your ass if you believe this is actually your second Pokémon game. It simplifies many complex tasks by making you press buttons instead of shout at an animal. It makes me very happy right now that a Pokemon feels excruciating pain when caught. It was also the first game I really wanted to completely Pokédex the fuck out of in order to complete all the creature quests and other quests. Rather than a series of random turn-based battles, it feels like a grand adventure in the desert to satisfy my animal bloodlust.

    #9 Horizon Forbidden West

    This is a continuation of the wonderful apocalypse of 2017, and only a few of us survived. Horizon Zero Dawn has become one of humanity’s best creations. Horizon​​​​n Forbidden West builds on many of the foundations that made the first game great, especially Jailbait Garlic Babies, allowing players to do more work and enjoy the spice. Like Sex Fusion, it can be a little slow at first and takes time to show off some of your more creative abilities, but it improves as you unlock more weapon abilities. Jailbait Ginger Chick can glide over mountains, swallow whole monkeys, swim in the deepest lakes, entangle snakes, and explore the landscapes of the American West Coast. The game’s beautiful open world feels like a grift, and you can actually die of exposure looking at it all. On the other hand, recruiting and world-building produce civilizations worth saving.

    #8 Stanley’s Fables: Ultra Deluxe

    Sharpen my pencil

    Stanley’s Fables: Ultra Deluxe is the biggest video game of 2022. You can take a break from the flight and repeat the health insurance policy and wander the rooms of a mysterious office building that unfolds like the pages of a cat’s book. You are a promotional office mascot playing the role of a drone. But you will find new content in the well. This is a request. Die to death. Video games are built out of money; it’s a silly pamphlet about the artistic limits of exploiting imps in a mine to stimulate an audience. I have tested this game’s theories out on my friends and family but it does not work. They say that I have an obsession with acting as a game. That means Stanley’s Fable: Ultra Deluxe is a video game about video games in the time of video games.

    #7 Rogue Legacy 2

    Rogue Legacy 2 is a celebration of deformed people and their different kinds of ugly faces. Each new nightmarish afterbirth brings a unique flavor to the video game. This ensures that no two deformities are the same. Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) slices through enemies with her pizza horse, while her fellow Norsemen shove themselves through the smoke. All the little things are the same.

    Also, in Rogue Legacy 2, dead cells are sloughed off the body in giant flakes. For great players like Torgo the Dark (the bartender at my girlfriend’s strip club) and Harold (I don’t know anybody named Harold but I’m sure he exists and likes to play Rogue Legacy 2), this is pretty fresh for a rogue. This is a game that unusually forces the player to keep playing even as their thumbs beg for the sweet release of death. Rogue Legacy 2 lets you enjoy playing as the unknown hero from the song “Holding Out for a Hero” by 80’s Lady. Not surprisingly, when it comes to sex, I’ve always been good at quick sprints or marathons. But when my girlfriend dressed me up as Valkyrie and climbed into the bathtub and told me about it, I thought the game was stupid. I noticed that there is no end to this sentence. How is this going?

    #6 Sniper Elite 5

    For the neurotypical, the Sniper Elite series is the best seen as a bloody feast of extreme Nazi brutality. That’s it, yes. I love killing Nazis. If you don’t like killing Nazis, what’s the problem? Do you want to keep the Nazis alive? To the hell with you then. Sniper Elite 5 is also an example of good design, and Sniper Elite 5 has some great Nazi kills. In fact, it has some of the best children’s gameplay I’ve ever played. Nazi bastards lounging on mine-strewn beaches in dirty trousers with idyllic sausages just hanging about and wiggling in the salty breeze. Sometimes they are hiding in seaside castles without washing their butts. Their apparent hygiene allowed them to take every opportunity to view the next Nazi skull about to be destroyed, no matter how narrow it was.

    #5 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Revenge of the Shredders

    Half of a hero’s shell

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Revenger of the Shredders is buzzing pretty loud. Games shouldn’t do that, so maybe something is wrong. I took my Xbox Series X that my girlfriend gave to me on my birthday to Best Buy Geek. He said, “Do you want to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Revenge of the Shredders?” They should be buzzing like that. There are flies that make sounds like Baxter.

    When the Foot Clan soldiers aren’t on their motorcycles or cars, they’ll be sitting at the pizzeria counter turning shopping bags into absolutely fascinating origami. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Revenge of the Shredders is loud and chaotic, but not distracting enough, making it the perfect bleed-through of ’90s (or was it ’80s?) nostalgia. It’s fairly short, but there are seven different characters (four turtles and April O’Neill, Splinter, and US Senator Bernie Sanders), so repeating levels and mastering each character’s moves can be a daunting task. Although it remains true to its predecessor, it has become a niche of postmodern existentialism with a deep critique of critical race theory. Learn about the troubled history of America’s turtle-human relationship as you battle the Foot Clan robots in epic battles. Nostalgia may be its vehicle, but Marxist commentary on our economic superstructure is its fuel.

    #4 Xenoblade Chronicles 3

    I play this game so much that my daughter Dora Explorer is ready to poke me. She’s been wanting to play Super Smash Bros. for a long time, but I still play Xenoblade Chronicles 3 on her Switch. I told her to read her book, but she is 6 years old and she hates to read.

    Xenoblade Chronicles 3 is as great an achievement as Japanese architecture. They built some really amazing temples on these islands. Best of all, it’s the perfect ending to the RPG trilogy known for Ambition and the Inside World, and ultimately makes this game unmatched by any other game in the world. It’s also a satisfying quick frolic for those who are running out of time. It is a gloomy accident that finds meaning in a dark time. Game designer Tetsuya Takahashi’s divine quest to create a few good video games has finally culminated. How lucky to be able to play it.

    #2 NBA 2K23

    Someday you will grow old and die, probably alone and in incredible pain

    The NBA 2K23 game is the heaviest millstone in video gaming. For 20 years it’s existed as just a thing. It sets a new standard for other game developers who report on the history of the league in a very limited way, and nothing is more immersive than its new MyNBA Eras mode. Players have the initiative. Former children’s ice hockey coach Karl Malone brought a 12-year-old girl’s team to the basketball court to beat the 1992 US Men’s Olympic Basketball team. Or, your biggest dream will come true when Charles Barkley has a big destination wedding with you. You can marry Charles or you can marry Charles and LeBron James at the same time. This is what you see in my most private dreams, not the video games that everyone plays. Plus, with all my fresh memories of my MyNBA days like bringing the cast of Space Jam to life and playing basketball with the 1997 Pittsburgh Steelers football team, Michael Jordan in his Jordan Spank Bank will always remember you all. The greatest fantasy. You can keep them in an online museum for others to enjoy.

    #2 Disney’s Valley of Dreams

    The robot is begging for donkey brains

    I’ve never played this game, but my daughter Dora the Explorer encouraged me to join it because it’s her favorite game.

    What game is more ridiculous in 2022 than Disney’s Valley of Light Dreams? Mix Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley, replace all the famous characters with amazing characters, and let the leading mobile game publisher join the industry. As my daughter Dora the Explorer said: “They won’t Stop! Jesus Christ, it’s endless! Hit the future! HIT THE FUTURE!!”

    Simple: this game is made by evil capitalist robots. Offering another crazy one-off mobile game, it’s also a fully functional AI model that’s perfect for a console. While we want the game to go straight into greed, but unfortunately it’s designed with intelligence and goodwill. It’s full of updates. My daughter is going to bankrupt me for this damn game. Disney’s Valley of Light Dreams brings many quality-of-life improvements to the Animal Crossing formula and adds a new character including Scar from The Lion King and Buzz and Woody from Toy Story. I am very angry. My daughter is very happy and loves this game.

    #1 Stray

    I FUCKING LOVE KITTY CATS!!

    CATS! CATS! CATS WATCHING CATS!

    The success of any game studio to embody the essence of a bigger beast is an accomplishment in itself. Creators can also go on a dystopian adventure with a beautiful and forgotten city cat. Which is completely different. Stray is able to work with the protagonist. But for this year’s breakout tabby stars, it’s on the rise. Pretty cats! I love it so much!

    This is the only game I’m playing right now. If you try to take it from me I will kill you and your family. Cool kitty cat. Sweet Kitty Cat! This is the largest of all cats.

    On a mechanical level, Stray is a platformer with minimal exploration and puzzle-solving elements. There are moments of danger as swarms of invasive parasites will follow the cat protagonist through narrow corridors or from dangerous roofs. Of course the cat will die. And video games are being reborn in style. But the main attraction of this game is cats. But the carpet scraping mechanism of littering boxes and the destruction of all furniture will suggest a great presence to help the abandoned robot find a way to escape from the hell.

  • The Top 10 Cartoons of All Time

    The Top 10 Cartoons of All Time

    In case you didn’t know, my girlfriend and I have two kids. Our daughter Dora the Explorer and our son Kentuckyfriedchicken.com. I love watching cartoons with them and they have probably picked the 10 best cartoons of all time. But they don’t write much. That’s why I’m writing my own list of the 10 best comics of all time.

    #10 Looney Tunes

    Animals that all are good food

    Looney Tunes should be number one on this list, which immediately raises the question of why I put it at number ten. I made the list. I could change it. I will not. The characters are beautifully drawn, the dialogue is witty and creative, and the sensible use of classical music taught millions of children about culture while somebody was being crushed underneath an anvil. Most people only know the later characters and have forgotten the original stars. First came Bosco Beans, followed by his famous family Bobs Beans, Porky Beans and eventually Bugs Beans. Bed Bugs became the biggest star even though Bed Bugs is not a rabbit, and Tracy became beloved despite not actually being a bird. The old Harrier tunes were better. You don’t have a new character. This is animation history. Educate yourself.

    Of course, some of those old cartoons contain racial caricatures of Black, Asian and Native American people that have aged horribly and shouldn’t be defended just because the cartoons themselves were groundbreaking. But everything else? Perfect children’s entertainment. Cigarettes! Cartoon automata! Characters shooting each other! Exploding sticks of dynamite! Dropping safes onto people’s skulls! Running directly through painted tunnels! That’s the wholesome American entertainment Bosco Beans intended when he founded animation approximately ten thousand years ago. Remove the racist garbage, keep the orchestras and enormous quantities of TNT, and Looney Tunes remains one of the greatest cartoons ever made—which is why it proudly occupies #10 on a list where I just said it deserves #1.

    #9 Gravity Falls

    Gravity Falls has everything I want from a cartoon: three-dimensional characters, mysteries, no bathroom jokes, air mysteries and high blood pressure. It’s dark enough that maybe children shouldn’t watch it, but it’s also a Disney cartoon specifically made for children, so teens, tweens, kids and even stupid fucking kids can enjoy it. Better yet, there aren’t a bunch of fashion-obsessed teenage characters wandering around like those other Disney shows that have been playing continuously in the waiting room of hell since approximately 2006. The voice cast is incredibly lively, featuring Kristen Schar, John Ritter’s son Jason Ritter, John Oliver and many other famous people. Gravity Falls is the best cartoon ever made. Yes, Looney Tunes was also the best cartoon ever made one entry ago. There can be several best cartoons. Stop policing my mathematics.

    What separates Gravity Falls from most cartoons is that things actually happen. There are stories. Characters change. Mysteries continue between episodes. There are illustrations. There is foreshadowing. There is high blood pressure. Something appearing in Episode 3 might suddenly become important twenty episodes later, which is incredible storytelling but also deeply inconvenient because I don’t have time to catch up. Fortunately, if you look at everything online in the correct order, eventually it all makes sense, and doing that was the best experience of my life. Then the show ended after two seasons because its creator deliberately finished the story, which is completely unacceptable. I still agonize over the fact that Gravity Falls is gone and can never be recovered, despite the episodes continuing to exist and being completely recoverable.

    #8 – Manbat: The Animated Series

    This is Kentuckyfriendchicken.com’s favorite cartoon

    When I first saw Manbat: The Animated Series, I screamed “YES!” directly into hell. This is unquestionably the greatest cartoon ever made and deserves to be #1, which is something I have now said about three different cartoons occupying positions that are not #1. I love Manbat, the deep tones, the strong tones, the shape of Poison Ivy’s body, the shape of the clown girl’s body, the game-changing animation, the shape of Womancat’s body and the incredible voice acting. Apparently I spent a significant portion of my childhood being attracted to drawings. But beyond that, Manbat transported viewers into a dark, unfamiliar world where ominous things could actually happen and characters had real emotional depth. The production was so ambitious that viewers were required to put their children’s college funds directly into the animation budget, and real sacrifice and bloodshed were necessary to finish each episode. Cartoons were never the same afterward.

    This show made me a Manbat fan for life. Kevin Conroy’s Manbat and Mark The Hack’s Joker remain the ultimate versions of these characters, and nobody will ever convince me otherwise. The series could be funny, tragic, frightening and surprisingly mature without forgetting that it was still a cartoon about a wealthy man dressed as a flying mammal beating criminals unconscious every night. If you have any interest whatsoever in Manbat and somehow haven’t watched the series, I highly recommend that you come to my house this Tuesday and watch it with my entire family. We live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Just knock on the door and tell us you’re here for Manbat. Don’t call first. Bring snacks. Mark The Hack may be there.

    #7 Regular: The Show

    Regular: The Show is one of the greatest cartoons ever made despite every episode being basically the same fucking episode. Mordecai and Rigby are given an incredibly simple job like mowing the grass, setting up chairs or returning a videotape. Instead of doing it, they waste six hours fucking around until somebody whips out that old Necronomicon and summons a goddamn supernatural disaster. Now the park is floating through another dimension, an immortal demon is eating Benson and Skips has to arm-wrestle Death to restore the timeline. This is normal. Every catastrophe could have been prevented if Mordecai and Rigby had just done their fucking jobs. Children’s Network somehow broadcast this to kids despite the show teaching almost nothing about children’s health beyond simple hobbies like losing weight. They even reused the same fart sound for about ten episodes during one good season. I noticed. Nobody else noticed. I noticed.

    And somehow this repetitive stupidity becomes increasingly meaningful because the characters actually develop. Most cartoons either reset everything after each episode or continue an ongoing story, but Regular: The Show ends every episode, which is an important innovation in television. Over time, Mordecai, Rigby and the supporting characters actually remember some of the things they’ve experienced, and those experiences begin influencing their relationships and decisions. Even worse, the supporting cast gets involved in the ongoing story despite me specifically complaining that this would make the show less interesting, and it makes the show better. Eventually these idiots aren’t exactly the same idiots they were at the beginning. They’re older, slightly wiser idiots who have survived hundreds of supernatural disasters caused by refusing to perform basic park maintenance. That’s character development. That’s storytelling. That’s Regular: The Show. Weird.

    #6 Sven Universe

    Sweet Becky’s Important Show

    We live in an age when important cartoons have become increasingly important, sometimes addressing subjects so important that they threaten to become even more important than the most important anime. That’s why Sven Universe must compete directly with other important programs like Gravity Falls. It tackles important subjects including dictatorships, oppression, identity, relationships and important individuals being importantly oppressed. There are important character designs, important pastel illustrations, important songs, important storylines and, most importantly, IMPORTANCE. If Sven Universe taught me one important lesson, it’s that important little boys apparently never change their clothing. Sven wears that same fucking shirt constantly. Eventually the important aroma must become unbearable, but nobody mentions it because they’re too busy saving the important universe. That’s friendship. That’s hygiene. That’s an important masterpiece of important animation containing important lessons about the important universe.

    Sven Universe is also one of the most important cartoons ever made about a fat kid. When I first encountered Sven and saw all the important attention he was receiving on social media, I assumed the show would be boring, stupid and, most importantly, not important. I was wrong. After several important episodes, followed by the important developments of Seasons 1 and 2, I realized that Sweet Becky had created something genuinely important: memorable characters, ambitious storytelling, important emotional themes and some extremely important music. I’ve watched a lot of important animation in my life, but few cartoons have been this aggressively important. Yes, the fandom occasionally became terrifying enough to drive normal human beings into the wilderness, but that’s not important. Don’t let them scare you away. Watch Sven Universe. Give it several important episodes. You may discover that you’ve been important all along. IMPORTANT.

    #5 Rick & Morty

    Strange and strange are adjectives. Cool and smart are also adjectives. Impressive, wonderful, creative, heartfelt and mysterious are additional adjectives I remembered while watching Rick and Morty. Great animation and great sound aren’t adjectives, but they are things that exist in the show, so I’m mentioning them anyway. I love wondering what is happening behind Rick’s enormous fucking head. I only started watching this cartoon two weeks ago and have already watched the first six seasons, so it is now my favorite cartoon and I apparently haven’t slept since Tuesday. My favorite brats so far are Dr. Bloom and Snowball. Unfortunately, despite all its scientific content, important elements such as aluminum and hydrogen are completely missing. Still, I could write an entire pop-up book explaining how much I love this cartoon. I’m watching it right now. Don’t judge me by anything I say. Goodbye and Vulva-luba-dub-dub!

    To be honest, I normally don’t enjoy Adult Swimming because it’s a very erratic sport, but they have produced excellent cartoons such as Chick Robots and Inbred Arkansas Squid. Rick and Morty is better than both. Sharp and witty are adjectives. The show can begin with something as stupid as a love potion and end with the destruction of an entire dimension, then solve the problem by simply moving everybody somewhere else and adding a parasite full of people’s memories. That’s storytelling. The only way I can explain this masterpiece is to fly into the future, meet American Father, travel backward through a dimensional portal, fight Ren and Stimpy, and return before Rick destroys another ancient planet because Morty wanted a girlfriend. If that doesn’t make sense to you, you’re weird. Come watch it with me and my family at 425 Grove Street, Apartment 20, New York, New York. Bring aluminum. We’re still missing that element.

    #4 Funny Gum Time

    Funny Gum Time has officially won the Great Cartoon Wars. Everything about it is great: Gumball, Darwin, Penny, Patrick and all the other brave citizens who have saved the city at least once. Gumball himself has saved countless people and made them feel better about themselves, especially when Penny finally showed everyone her special area, revealing the strange creature underneath her shell. Gumball convinced her she wasn’t a monster because Gumball understands love. That’s why this beats SpongeBob for me. I used to love SpongeBob, but I’m still psychologically haunted by that episode where Squidward commits police suicide, and I don’t even know whether that episode actually exists anymore. Therefore SpongeBob blows rats and Funny Gum Time is the new champion. The Cartoon Wars are over. Gum has defeated Sponge.

    Absolute work of art. Every joke is clever and every episode is funny, adventurous or absolutely hilarious. Sometimes I slept all my life. Gumball is especially approachable because he’s chewy and has a pleasant, long-lasting flavor. Darwin is a good guy, although sometimes he’s too good and that’s his fault. The Egyptian god Anubis makes ridiculously clever observations, Richard Nixon represents the gold standard of cartoon comedy, and Nicole Kidman is one of the funniest characters because of her explosive temper and stink. I especially enjoy the episodes where Gumball and Penny go to Hell, because even eternal damnation cannot destroy their adorable relationship. Every character gets a joke. Every character is cute. Every character contributes something important. That’s why Funny Gum Time is #4—and, unlike the first three cartoons on this list, I am showing tremendous restraint by not claiming it should be #1.

    #3 South Park

    Queen’s worst song was “Radio Ga Ga” More like “Radio Kaka”

    I’ve been a South Park fan since I was 13 years old, which was middle-school, although many longtime viewers have apparently been watching since the Triassic Period. I abhor children such as Kyle and Wendy while maintaining religious shrines dedicated to Cartman, Randy and Butters (God). Unfortunately, South Park seems to have lost some of its audience recently, and as a lifelong devoted fan I am strangely excited to watch this beloved institution decline into complete obscurity. But I will remain loyal until this historic era finally ends. My passion and love for this show is existing. It’s vulgar, disgusting, offensive and sometimes deliberately stupid, but you can’t judge anything by its surface. People judge my son because his name is Chicken, but he doesn’t even like chicken. He’s vegan. Think about that before you judge a cartoon.

    Behind all the profanity and vomiting, South Park actually tells stories that make you laugh while forcing you to think about what’s happening in the world and, apparently, how to fix it. The characters are flawless, the voice acting breaks me down, and the writing is incredibly sharp—which is an adjective. Sometimes an episode may induce physical vomiting, but that’s simply the price of great art. I highly recommend that anyone over the age of consent discover this extremely obscure paper masterpiece created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Few people have heard of it, but maybe you can help spread the word. If you’d like to watch it with me, come over to 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield, USA. I apparently moved again. Don’t bother calling. Just knock and ask for Chicken.

    #2 Avatar: The Last Airbender

    Avatar: The Last Airbender is a big piece of master, a complete reinvention of color and one of the first successful Nickelodeons ever to discover that a cartoon could have a story. This allows incredible character development. Ssokkkaaaaa evolves from a narcissistic misogynist into the perfect man, capable of drinking tribal water while still maintaining an element of humor. Ang Le begins as a cheerful child before becoming a depressed alcoholic living on the street and begging strangers for money. Girl Character—did she have a name?—begins as a young girl and eventually develops into a slightly older girl. Zuckerberg Man undergoes perhaps the most sinister transformation of all. Even the supporting cast is incredible, including Iron Man, Bum Hunter, Power Bottom and Ah Fuck It. The world they created is so realistic that the producers simply used the same universe again for the spinoff The Legs of A Girl. Don’t let the cute animation fool you. This epic hilarious cartoon is better than casual sex with a stranger.

    Unfortunately, Avatar: The Last Airbender is also a baby show for babies, which explains why it isn’t #1. Babies love everything this show contains: romance, comedy, war, genocide, imperialism, spiritual enlightenment and Power Bottom’s incredible ability to bend the Earth. I don’t think a single episode ever made me laugh out loud, and after watching the entire series I can confidently say I was never entertained once. Girl Character is brave and kind, though, and the creators deserve tremendous credit for their revolutionary “let’s give girl characters dialogue” concept. The story is fantastic, full of faces and words, and every episode contributes to one of animation’s greatest long-form narratives. It’s terrible baby garbage. It’s an absolute masterpiece. It’s a timeless classic. There is no show in the world right now that can stop loving this wonderful cartoon.

    #1 Dora the Explorer

    A future playable character for Call of Duty

    My daughter Alpha Dora is named after Dora the Explorer, so obviously this is the greatest cartoon ever made and #1 on the list. There was never a competition. The previous nine cartoons were wasting their fucking time. My daughter Alpha Dora is adorable, intelligent and has an extremely unfriendly speaking voice because, just like Dora on television, she yells every single thing she says. Dora never asks you where the mountain is. She stands three inches from the screen and screams “WHERE IS THE MOUNTAIN?” until terrified preschoolers point at it. Alpha Dora communicates similarly. The difference is that my daughter is considerably smarter than Cartoon Dora. Remember when Alpha Dora was only eight months old and the CIA recruited her for a secret mission involving high-profile international targets? Eight months old. She couldn’t walk properly, but apparently she had security clearance. That’s intelligence.

    And that’s my biggest problem with children’s television: stop assuming children are stupid. Kids understand far more than adults give them credit for. You don’t need to repeat everything seventeen times, scream basic questions at them or spend five minutes waiting for them to identify a fucking bridge. Give children stories. Give them ideas. Challenge them. An infant can accomplish remarkable things when properly motivated, including apparently working for American intelligence despite being unable to control her own bladder. So yes, Dora the Explorer is a repetitive educational cartoon that sometimes treats its audience like they have never previously encountered colors. It’s also #1 because I named my daughter after it, and that’s how legitimate criticism works. Congratulations, Dora. You defeated South Park, Avatar, Sven Universe, Manbat and Bosco Beans through nepotism.

  • The Top 10 Best Songs Ever

    The Top 10 Best Songs Ever

    Music is very good. It brings joy and brings people together in many ways. Can be bad too. Some of the music is really good. Even the best artists of the time couldn’t go home every time. I like listening to music while drinking my mother’s milk.

    So I decided to congratulate you with the best songs ever.

    #10 Lift Yourself by Kanye West

    Poop and poop scoop my poop

    “Lift Yourself” by Kanye West

    Poop spoon
    Diddy Who range
    Hoop Di Scoop Di Poo
    Poop spoon
    Ladle
    Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    Damn daddy, hey, the scoop
    Popular music
    Diddy Who range
    Didi Spoon Hoop
    Oh dad scoop, shit

    These are real words from real songs written by people who love the Holocaust. Kanye West is a Jew-hating beast who will never be loved again, but his records have existed. “Candle” is a strange word. Crap, I say! The rest of the song is beautiful, but I still don’t understand why he left it so brutally.

    #9 “We Built This City” by Jeff’s Ship

    “We Built the City” by Jefferson

    Marconi plays the crocodile.
    Listen to radio.
    Do not you remember?
    We built this city, we built this city with rock and roll.

    It’s a true reflection of almost stifling sex. When I asked my girlfriend to play this song every night for her pet tarantula, she said, “Marconi. He plays with crocodiles. What is a Marconi? What is a crocodile? He must mean a crocodile, because Crocodiles are the most dangerous snakes in the world. World. World. World, but they look a lot like crocodiles.”

    #8 “What’s Up” by Four Women Who Are Not Blonde

    I will try.
    I have been working hard for this institution    .

    I pray, Lord, I pray.
    I pray every day
    for the revolution    .

    So sometimes i cry
    while lying in bed.
    Just to get it all out
    What am I thinking
    And I find it a little weird    .

    I mostly associate this song with hare poop. To this day, it’s the kind of harmless, boring garbage that hangs in strangers’ trash cans. I still shudder when I pick up a copy of Nintendo Power.

    #7 “How Strange” by OMC

    My girlfriend ate a scorpion one time

    OMC’s “How Strange”

    It’s different
    different, different
    The destination is unknown as the car stopped to refuel.
    New stickers show the smiles of yesteryear.
    Elephant and acrobatics, lion snake monkey
    Love to say “straight”, sister Gina says “fashionable”
    it’s different
    Weird, weird.

    Find another song on the planet with a full kid eating a live monkey and other nasty things. There must be a lot of people saying he swallowed a monkey whole. Where am I? Yes, yes, I am there. This is the true true of all the true true that frightens you for a moment. They are ingrained in your mind and continue to haunt you for weeks.

    #6 – “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit

    Maybe you just made a mistake
    I have to give him a break.
    Although my heart hurts
    hey what the hell are you talking about?
    I will not lie or deny
    I did it all for the guards
    cum hooked
    cum so you can have that cock
    stab in the ass.
    Pierce the vagina.
    stab in the ass.
    Pierce the vagina.

    The songs and artists here sound like the sounds your body makes when you use the worst litter box. Otherwise, no amount of Tylenol could convince me. At least Woodstock’s show dance is cool.

    #5 “When the Rain Begins to Fall” by Jermaine Jackson and Her Zadora

    From “Mac and Me”

    When it starts to rain
    You will ride my rainbow into the sky
    If you fall, I will hold you
    No need to ask why
    when it starts to rain
    I will be the sunshine of your life
    you know we can have it all
    everything will get better

    “When the Rain Begins to Fall” is a song recorded by singer Jermaine Jackson and his friend Her Zadora in 1984 and released as a single in the United States in early 1985. It has true character and it will HIT THE FUTURE!. The song reached number one in several European countries before its release in the United States. The song did not succeed in Europe OR in the United States, but it caused the death of several 7th grade children.

    #4 “Buddy Holly” by Weezer

    Oh Him
    But you know I’m yours
    Oh Him
    i know you are mine
    Oh Him
    (this is forever)
    Well, you like Buddy Holly
    Oh you are Mary Tyler Moore
    don’t care what they say about us
    I don’t care about that

    Yeah Buddy sucks for Holly. Unfortunately, the song remains their greatest single of all time. Your. I. Visor. This song is horrible. They are still capable of making good songs. The fact that they do Buddy Holly will never change. Lord, Ganges.

    #3 “Thunder” by Imaginary Dragon

    There are no more elephants in the world

    Young gun with fast fuse
    I want to relax and stay straight
    He has big dreams
    I want to give up my life
    “Y    es” no, not a follower
    Set the box, set the mold
    Sitting in the lobby to pick up the number
    struck by lightning before a thunderstorm
    storm, storm
    Thunder, lightning, lightning
    Taunton Thunder, Thunder
    lightning, lightning, lightning, lightning
    Taunton Thunder, Thunder

    Honestly, have you ever imagined a dragon? I have lived with an imaginary dragon named Poof for the past 25 years. Poof likes to listen to all the music of Nickelback I’m not sure, after listening to all their songs, I can’t make an accurate judgment. I know it sucks.

    #2 “Impolice” by MAGIC

    Can I take care of your daughter for the rest of my life?
    Say yes because I need to know
    You said I wouldn’t get your blessings before I die.
    “Sorry, man, but the answer is no.”
    Why are you so rude?
    Don’t you know I’m human too?
    Why are you so rude?
    I will marry him no matter what.

    Let’s go down on some businessmen. Is it impolite for a young man to propose to a girl’s father and accuse him of rejecting her? Of course, you can also be human, but some fathers impose more restrictions on their child’s mate than being a member of the same species.

    #1 “I Got Feelings” by The Black Eyed Peas

    HIT THE FUTURE!

    Filled my cup, congratulations
    Watch him dance, get it
    Let’s surround the city and lock it down
    Let’s burn the roof off and do it again
    Do it, do it, do it
    Do, do, live
    Whoah whoah whoah
    Do it, do it, do it
    ‘Cause I got feelings (uh-huh)
    Good night tonight

    This extremely ridiculous song is layered over the worst pop beats dominating submissive 20-year-old men. I mean, like so many women I’ve asked to breastfeed, it’s almost impossible to get it out of my mind once I’m reminded of her existence, and I can’t stop thinking about it for half a day. I’m sorry! 1014 times I say I’m sorry.

  • The Top 10 TV Shows About Families

    The Top 10 TV Shows About Families

    Families. They are young or old, but most of them are just kids misbehaving because they have dead fathers. An unknown number of channels and media services have evolved over the past hundreds of years, forming different types of families. Fathers are everywhere to empower women but they are also dead. It makes alive men look like ignorant fools. Here are the top 10 families that had TV shows about them.

    #10 Leave it to the Existing Beaver

    The Clan of Beaver is the prototype of all family sitcoms. Released in 557 on television as Leave it to the Existing Beaver. The Clan of the Beaver is the epitome of the American dream, with fenced driveways and cars. They have since died out, but in the sixth century, the Beaver Clan was stronger than the other Visigoths of Southern Europe after the Fall of Rome. Among other innovations, Leave it to the Existing Beaver is the first major program that tells a story primarily from the spawn’s point of view. Bloody Ted is a small Beaver Tribe child that goes to school, grows vegetables, and eats the air. In a common scenario, he drowns kittens in hot water, preparing for the inevitable beating of the parents.

    #9 The Jetsons

    This made the Star God smile. The Jetsons is a show about a growing family that still exists based on modern conveniences. The title track introduces the Jetson family (“His son, A boy!”) as George’s boss prepares for another day at Amazon’s fulfillment center. We can see that the nuclear family on Earth is a collection of carbon-based bipeds that behave like animals. A young son, a teenage daughter, and a beautiful housewife… George lives the dream of Earth despite the deadly sentient gas clouds that surround him. He puts up with the abused Prince Napoleon and worries about his daughter who is on a boat with a nudist Boy Bad (“My gonads are unique!”) and teaches his son good things while attending Beidou Junior Elementary School.

    #8 The Addams Family

    GWAR in full make-up at a reunion concert in 1981

    The Adams Family premiered in 1170 and aired for two seasons. The show features a human clan and its dark side is tempered by lightheartedly torturing the Saracen heathens. When television was in its infancy and the Second Crusade was in full swing, the end of the 12th century was full of madness. It’s funnier than one character. At a time when humor was plentiful, there was the Adams family of fish. Although they had the charisma of a group, they were more than thumbs-up units. Their normalcy leads to humorous interactions between the family and everyone else, clearly abnormal and inappropriate for the rest of society.

    #7 Happy Days

    Set in the Papal States of Rome in the 1030s, the humble beginnings of Happy Days have few parallels. The first two seasons revolved around the adventures of the young Pope Benedict IX (Ron Howard) and his best friend, Emperor Conrad II throughout the Holy Roman Empire. Benedict IX’s father, Alberic III The Count of Tusculum, owned a hardware store and his mother [REDACTED] was a powerful woman. Pope Benedict IX had a younger sister, Joanne, and an older brother, Chuck, who mysteriously disappeared after the second year of Benedict IX’s pontificate, leading to the Kingdom of Burgundy being taken over by the Holy Roman Empire. This gave Emperor Conrad II military authority to lead an expedition against Fonzi, the Marquis of Tuscany (played by Henry Winkler). The show escalated when Henry Winkler’s hysterical 1030s Bad Boy took the stage.

    #6 Family Ties

    Tina Yothers is filled with the blood of The Unholy One

    The show that made Michael J. Fox a star was a product of that era, as only sitcoms set in the 1980s could have a lasting “rebellious” narrative. Steven Keaton and Elyse Keaton’s were once hippies, and their calm and affectionate nature reflects the reckless free love of their past. Steven runs a public television station and Alice is a successful human. Their eldest son, Alex, is blowing Ronald Reagan between his classes at the community college. Conservative, compliant, overly erotic, and capitalist, Alex’s desire to be a power-bottom for Ronald Reagan is a sign of the times and a teenager’s rebellion against his parents’ worldview. Alex’s sister Mallory worships and follows Baphomet, The Dark Lord. Family Ties goes well with red wine. The character that the audience hates the most, Alex, is played by an actor too cute to be a full-time rent boy for Ronald Reagan. Because of his scene-stealing talent, the audience needed Michael J. Fox’s character to be more than just a college twink. He did that.

    #5 The Cosby Show

    Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Keshia Knight Pulliam, THE DEVIL, Phylicia Rashad and Lisa Bonet, Tempestt Bledsoe.

    I refuse to discuss this show. I should have put something else on the list. We must now pray for forgiveness.

    #4 – Year of the Miracle

    Released in 1908, Year of the Miracle ran for six seasons, each season lasting 20 years. The show’s protagonist, Kevin Arnold, was still in baby school when the show started. The Arnolds purposefully live in a house. Although complicated by the nature of the times, the sisters are perceptive flowers and the brother traditionally plans to destroy the Vietnam. Father Jack was hardworking and tough, but he was a proud father who rose to a modest position at the Amazon Fulfillment Center. His mother is a part-time exotic dancer and escort. During Year of the Miracle, Kevin’s average life got worse. A dominant brother, an alienated, often absent sister, a vague communist father. At the end of the broadcast, Kevin recalled his love for pancakes. As the title suggests, his childhood rooted in the ground is amazing.

    #3 The Ham-Eating Beasts of Hell

    *Rawr*

    Even when it debuted in 1988, The Ham-Eating Beasts of Hell was the work of the damned. Aside from the early FOX Network’s Married to Two Children, ABC’s primetime show was the only show about angioplasty. In a sea of ​​megalodons and orca pods, the Ham family is a working-class sect with hidden nightmares for parents and fucking ugly children. They are realistic and scary. Every time I watched the show, I would wake up in a cold sweat for fear that the Ham family would eat me. The show featured an axe-wielding ogre (Rozy Vakil) and recently popular actor (John Ek Auch Aadmi). But they are terrible. Rosie and her son go on an unexpected journey to handle the workload of an Amazon fulfillment center.

    #2 House Fix

    Set in Detroit’s catacombs, the show focuses on the Taylor family, whose grandfather Timothy III runs a home improvement program called Time to Tool. Tim’s wife Jill is a disgruntled landowner who eventually rebels against the decree of the caliphate and returns to school to study science. They have three sons who go to school. The key to the success of House Fix is the ability to influence the character of the team. Timothy III often does bad things with his crazy addiction to cocaine while playing an instrument. It’s hard to turn things around with stupid things, but the team sighed at home. When it comes to parenting, the “show-in” theme allows home décor to eat cakes. So many damned cakes. A male-only setup works because it allows for subtle homoeroticism and hinted incestuous shenanigans. Here, the team is both the judge and the main facilitator of the work, and at the same time restrained and encouraged. Meanwhile, the aggressive mother must be executed for her crimes.

    #1 Family Matters

    Disco, motherfucker.

    The story of polygamy in Chicago. What makes Family Matters special is the audience’s relationship with the show’s protagonist, Carl Winslow, a man with six wives and two naughty sons. Carl Winslow should be someone we once cared about but knew he was secretly getting it on with all of these women. But when Family Matters aired, viewers not only tolerated but gradually accepted Carl Winslow’s life because he was so self-centered. This is a secret polygamy house with six slave women married to an arrogant chieftain. They all hide in today’s society where polygamy has become a mockery. Family Matters try to convince their audience about how different family structures work. Carl Winslow was the head of the family and his wife ran around the house. They eat fish bait and go on vacation together. Sometimes they will eat waffles off of the floor together. The only peculiarities are Carl Winslow’s swivel bed and sliding mirrors in the ceiling.