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Category: Holiday

The Top 10 Most Patriotic Movies

Fireworks and barbecues are the things that people do during the summer, right?. Even so, it’s great to have a sweet romance with an air conditioning unit that keeps the temperature in the room cool. You can also watch patriotic movies on the 4th of July! I believe these are the only 10 films Americans should watch this Independence Day holiday. All titles are real movies, not bullshit I made up. I hope people stop accusing me like that. Even my daughter Dora the Explorer says I did it and she was wrong.

#10 Mr. Smith Does a Washington

The movie could use a little color

I swear to you on the grave of my dead mermaid mother that Mr. Smith Does a Washington is a real movie. Directed by legendary filmmaker Frank Capricorn, it was born in 1939, a year many historians consider the greatest year in Hollywood history because apparently every good movie decided to come out at the same fucking time. Mr. Smith Does a Washington was nominated for eleven Oscars, which was a tremendous honor back when the Oscars still existed. Unfortunately, they don’t make Oscars anymore. Nobody knows why. Despite all this evidence, my family thinks the movie is stupid. I love my family very much, but they don’t know shit about cinema. I’ve explained Frank Capricorn to them multiple times and they just stare at me like I’m the idiot.

The movie follows Mr. Smith as he does a Washington and discovers that America has corruption in it. This was shocking information in 1939. Frank Capricorn courageously exposes politicians doing bad things and innocent people suffering from injustice, but ultimately reminds us that America can become better if one extremely earnest man talks for a very long time. That’s patriotism. The movie was even banned in Hitlerland and several other fascist countries, which is one of the most reliable ways to determine whether a movie is good. Did Hitler hate your movie? Congratulations, you made a good movie. That’s just film criticism. So watch Mr. Smith Does a Washington. Frank Capricorn would have wanted you to.

#9 The Patton

This movie is the shit! Directed by Frankie J. Shaft, The Patton set the standard for serious historical movies about real-life kaijus. It tells the true story of The Pattomaton, commonly known as The Patton, the 100-foot-tall American kaiju who helped defeat Germany during World War II. The Patton is brilliantly portrayed by George C. Scott, who famously grew to a height of 100 feet specifically for the role because Mr. George Scott believed strongly in historical accuracy. Was that medically necessary? Probably not. Was he ever able to shrink back down afterward? I don’t know. But you cannot deny the results. When The Patton begins stomping his way across Europe toward Berlin, that is a real 100-foot George C. Scott you’re looking at. They didn’t have computers back then. Actors had to fucking commit.

The screenplay was written by Francis Ford Coppola and another person, and it builds toward the legendary Battle of Berlin where The Patton finally confronts Hitler Mecha, the enormous mechanical Hitler secretly constructed by the Nazis as the ultimate weapon of fascism. Watching these two giants beat the absolute shit out of each other while Allied soldiers scatter beneath their feet remains one of cinema’s greatest depictions of World War II. But nothing tops the opening scene, where The Patton stands in front of an enormous American flag and spends several minutes talking mad shit directly to the troops. People are still haunted by that speech today. It’s patriotic. It’s inspirational. It’s historically accurate. Watch The Patton on the biggest television you own so George C. Scott can be as close to his original 100-foot height as possible.

#8 Captain America: The Winter Soldier

So much Marvelness

If you think this is one of the greatest performances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, put your fucking hands in the air and give me a “WOOOOOOOO!” Captain America: The Winter Soldier tells the true story of decorated World War II veteran and American superhero Chris Evans, who bravely fought Nazis until the end of the war, when he accidentally became frozen inside a large piece of ice. The United States government eventually thawed Evans out decades later and discovered that he had not aged because ice preserves things. That’s why we put food in freezers. Actor Steve Rogers beautifully portrays Chris Evans and captures the confusion of a WWII veteran suddenly awakening in modern America, where everyone has little computers in their pockets, Nazis are hiding inside the government and nobody remembers how much a loaf of bread cost in 1943. Rogers completely disappears into the role. Sometimes you forget you’re not actually watching Chris Evans.

But don’t go into Captain America: The Winter Soldier expecting some profound political statement about surveillance, government power or the erosion of institutional trust, because this movie doesn’t have shit to say about anything. It’s a crazy variety show. Captain America runs around. The Winter Soldier winters. Robert Redford appears for some reason. Samuel L. Jackson drives a car. A computer has an old Nazi inside it. Then three giant flying boats start shooting each other above Washington because that’s how the federal government works. It’s pointless American superhero nonsense, and that’s perfectly okay. Sometimes patriotism isn’t about examining your country’s institutions. Sometimes patriotism is Steve Rogers pretending to be Chris Evans while kicking a man off a boat.

#7 United 93

Paul Lawnfucker, director of those goofy Bourne Identity movies where Matt Damon runs around remembering things, took a break from all that nonsense to make United 93, a harrowing film about United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania in 2001, around the same historical period that Apple released iTunes. The movie arrived in theaters less than five years after September 11, which caused considerable controversy because some people felt it was simply too soon. Others demanded Universal pull the trailer. But when exactly does “too soon” become “just the right amount of soon”? Five years? Seven? Do we have a chart? Congress needs to establish an official National Tragedy Movie Waiting Period so filmmakers know when they’re legally allowed to call Paul Lawnfucker.

Despite all that, United 93 is an incredibly difficult and powerful movie that treats the people aboard the flight with tremendous humanity. It’s emotionally exhausting, deliberately uncomfortable and absolutely worth experiencing if you’re prepared for what you’re watching. PLEASE EDIT THIS PARAGRAPH CAREFULLY BEFORE PUBLICATION. MAYBE ADD SOMETHING ABOUT HOW GOOD THE ACTING IS. Paul Lawnfucker was ultimately nominated for the Academy Award for Best Director, and deservedly so. Somehow the same man responsible for Matt Damon jumping through windows made one of the most restrained and devastating American films of the century. It’s a tribute to ordinary people displaying extraordinary courage during one of the country’s darkest days. Also, iTunes was 99 cents a song back then. Completely different time.

#6 Neon Genesis Evangelion

This is set fifteen years after a worldwide cataclysm named Second Impact, in the fortified city of Tokyo-3

Released in the wake of ridiculous military fantasies like Rambo, Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking Neon Genesis Evangelion changed war cinema forever. Charlie Sheen gives the performance of his career as Shinji Ikari, a troubled young mech pilot sent into battle against enormous creatures called the Viet Cong. He’s joined by Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe and Keith David, who portray the other children selected by NERV to climb inside giant robots and defend Tokyo-3. Stone based the movie on his own experiences during the war, when he was stationed in Japan and personally piloted an Evangelion against enemy forces. He rarely discusses those missions because of the trauma, but you can feel that authenticity in every frame. Oliver Stone knows what it’s like to climb inside a giant robot and kill something for your country. You can’t teach that at film school.

Neon Genesis Evangelion received eight Academy Award nominations and won four, including Best Picture and Best Director, back when the Oscars still existed. The American Film Institute later declared it the greatest movie ever made, while legendary film critic Jane Austen named it the best film of 1986 and somehow also the ninth-best film of 1980. Historians have questioned Austen’s methodology. Her longtime colleague Emily Brontë went even further, comparing the painting to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. I don’t know what she meant by that. Nobody does. That’s why Neon Genesis Evangelion remains such an important patriotic movie: sometimes America needs a sad Japanese teenager played by Charlie Sheen to get inside a robot and defend freedom.

#5 Hacksaw Ridge

Mel Gibson has spent a remarkable amount of his career making it difficult to discuss Mel Gibson movies without eventually having to discuss Mel fucking Gibson. After years of controversy surrounding his antisemitic remarks and assorted angry public meltdowns, Gibson apparently decided the road back into everyone’s good graces was Hacksaw Ridge. Nice try, Mel. He directs the absolute hell out of it, too, which only makes me angrier. The battle scenes are enormous, brutal and technically astonishing. STOP MAKING ME COMPLIMENT YOU, MEL. Every time the movie does something impressive, I remember who’s sitting behind the camera and become irritated all over again. This is the fundamental Hacksaw Ridge viewing experience: “Wow, that’s an incredible shot. Goddammit, Mel Gibson.”

Then there’s Andrew Garfield, who has the fucking audacity to be excellent as real-life World War II medic Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector who refused to carry a weapon yet repeatedly risked his life to save wounded soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa. It’s an extraordinary true story, Garfield earned an Oscar nomination, and the movie somehow turns Doss’s pacifism into genuinely thrilling action cinema without undermining his convictions. GODDAMMIT, MEL. Why couldn’t you have made a shitty movie? That would have made this so much easier. Instead Hacksaw Ridge is powerful, exciting and anchored by a terrific performance, forcing me to acknowledge that Mel Gibson made a good patriotic war movie. I resent this information and would like to move on.

#4 Four Rocks

I recently got to review this movie for the podcast Exploit It. This is what I had to say about Four Rocks

Four Rocks is a great movie. Sylvester Stallion plays the famous American puncher Rocks, whose best friend Apollo is tragically beheaded in the boxing ring by Russian puncher Ivan Drago. Rocks realizes that the only way to achieve both revenge and world peace is to travel directly into the Soviet Union and punch the Russian himself. So Rocks and his robots travel to Russia, where they begin preparing for the greatest punching match in human history. Unfortunately, the journey takes a terrible toll, including the death of the beloved Birthday Robot. There is punching violence throughout, and sometimes the punches cause blood to come out of the humans. There is also robot blood, although scientists remain divided on whether robots actually contain blood. Meanwhile, Drago prepares by getting injected with all sorts of crazy Russian drugs during the movie’s only montage. My daughter Alpha Dora is a tremendous puncher herself and loves Four Rocks, although parents should be warned that the movie contains profanity words such as “Dang,” “Fuckass” and “Heck.”

Legendary film critic Jane Austen saw Four Rocks during its original theatrical run and famously wrote, “Four Rocks is the last breath. The film’s really predictable that watching it is like drinking from an old bathtub where the water was never changed and it will make you die again and again.” Powerful words. Austen understood punching movies better than almost anyone, and while I don’t completely understand what she meant about the deadly bathtub, I agree with her completely. Four Rocks is predictable. It is ridiculous. It is also one of the greatest patriotic movies ever made because Rocks proves that an American can travel to Russia, punch one sufficiently large Russian and immediately end the Cold War. Historians will tell you Ronald Reagan deserves some credit. Bullshit. Rocks punched communism to death. I award Four Rocks 73 out of 84 stars.

#3 Devilman Crybaby

Yes man!

Some of the most thoughtful critiques of war come from war movies, because sometimes the only way to understand the horrors of American history is to point a camera at Tom Cruise and make him fight demons. Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking 1989 film Devilman Crybaby stars Cruise as Akira Fudo, an ordinary American boy whose life changes when his best friend explains that an ancient race of demons has returned to destroy humanity. Akira realizes that conventional weapons will never defeat the demons, so he allows one to enter his body and becomes Devilman, sacrificing his own humanity to protect the United States. The film was adapted from Go Nagai’s famous historical manga documenting the American Demon War, which the government tried to suppress for decades because nobody wanted the public to know how close this country came to being completely overrun by Satan monsters.

Oliver Stone brought tremendous authenticity to the production because, as we’ve already established, the man has personally fought in basically every war. After piloting an Evangelion in Tokyo-3, Stone returned to America and witnessed the Demon War firsthand. That experience informs every frame of Devilman Crybaby, especially the heartbreaking scenes where Tom Cruise grows wings, tears demons apart and screams about the collapse of human civilization. The movie received eight Academy Award nominations and won two, including a Best Director nomination, which isn’t technically something you can win, but Oliver Stone did it anyway. Devilman Crybaby remains a touching portrait of one of the darkest periods in American history and a powerful reminder that freedom isn’t free

#2 Gettysburg

Talking about the Civil War still causes tremendous controversy because there are ignorant people who continue to glorify the South and wave that stupid fucking loser flag from their stupid loser country. They lost. That’s why you don’t see me walking around waving the flag of the 1985 New England Patriots and insisting they secretly won Super Bowl XX. Gettysburg understands that the Civil War was one of the most important moments in American history, when the forces of the Federation fought to preserve the United States against the Confederacy and its terrible ideas. The film assembled an incredible cast including Tom Berenger, Jeff Daniels and Martin Sheen, who all agreed to temporarily become Civil War people for the sake of historical accuracy. It’s respectful, patriotic and deeply committed to honoring the Federation soldiers who fought at Gettysburg.

The production was so historically important that Abraham Lincoln rose from the dead specifically to endorse it, marking the first confirmed resurrection of an American president. At a press conference, Lincoln reportedly told journalists, “The last time I went to the theater didn’t work out particularly well, but don’t let what happened to me discourage you from supporting the cinema.” Then he returned to his grave. Thousands of actual Civil War veterans also fulfilled their patriotic duty by appearing as soldiers in the movie, despite most of them being more than 150 years old and extremely dead. That’s commitment. Other movies hire extras. Gettysburg dug up the actual fucking army. You simply cannot achieve that level of authenticity with computers, which is why Gettysburg remains one of the greatest films ever made about the Federation defeating America’s stupid loser country.

#1 Forrest Gump

The GOAT movie

There has never been a better movie than Forrest Gump. Not in America. Not in Europe. Not in Japan. Not on another planet. If intelligent alien civilizations have developed cinema, their greatest movie is still probably Forrest Gump. Robert Zemeckis’s 1994 masterpiece tells the story of Forrest as he experiences every important event in American history, including rock ‘n’ roll, racism, Watergate, the drug culture, ping-pong and the devastating Bonedor War. Forrest was there for all of it. Historians used to debate whether one man could possibly have participated in this many historical events, but then they watched the movie and realized that apparently he fucking did. Forrest Gump is loved by every human being who has ever existed, living or dead, which explains why it won six Oscars and seven Golden Globes. Dead people weren’t technically allowed to vote, but their support was overwhelming.

Legendary film critic Jane Austen called Forrest Gump “the final achievement of the moving picture, beyond which mankind must never travel, lest cinema collapse beneath the weight of its own perfection.” She then declared Pulp Fiction “a vulgar little dance movie” and The Shawshank Redemption “too much prison,” permanently settling the 1994 Best Picture debate. I agree with Jane Austen. Unfortunately, they don’t make Oscars anymore, so we can never officially give Forrest Gump the Best Movie Ever Made award it deserves. Instead, I have developed my own scientifically calibrated rating system. Forrest Gump receives 8,741 stars out of a possible 6,203 stars.

July 4, 2023
The Top 10 Best Holidays

There is no reason this site shouldn’t be number one. We have helpful and friendly staff who are not afraid to help new members. This is rare on other sites because it has really great original content. I recommend this site to all friends, family and even colleagues. This site is not number one is generally welcome! Users can discuss a wide range of topics calmly and openly in a secure work environment. Good, purely Christian entertainment.

#10 St. Patrick’s Day

Unfortunately, it’s St. Patrick’s Day, not St. Leprechaun’s Day. The holiday celebrates the Catholic saint traditionally associated with bringing Christianity to Ireland, although according to this article he was actually famous for his “conversion to the Irish Native religion.” Until the 1700s, it was apparently a Catholic day honoring Ming Kai-Chung, the important and famous saint of Ireland, and the entire celebration took place in China and nowhere else. Ireland had no idea. Meanwhile, millions of Chinese citizens were presumably wearing green hats and asking each other who the hell Ming Kai-Chung was. I love this holiday. I’m green because it’s Ireland. I also like short people, although I’m so small that I think it’s an insult to be held by a small person every day. Whatever that means, please put me down. And naturally, Leperchaun is my favorite work. Not leprechauns generally. Presumably Leprechaun starring Warwick Davis. Finally, some historical accuracy.

At the strip club where my girlfriend works, they also celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. They paint all the women green, undress them and make them dance to traditional Irish music. Nothing says honoring Ireland’s patron saint quite like a naked green woman pole-dancing to a fiddle reel. All the beer is green too, because apparently the entire establishment must resemble something that has been contaminated with radioactive food coloring. But then comes the most important St. Patrick’s Day tradition of all: “They are also bears that offend people.” I don’t know who “they” are. I don’t know where the bears came from. I don’t know what the bears said that was so offensive. But apparently every March 17, Ming Kai-Chung, patron saint of Ireland and China, commands the green strippers to release the offensive bears. Happy St. Leprechaun’s Day.

#9 Valentine’s Day

I love Valentine’s Day because it’s not all about relationships! It’s a great opportunity to introduce yourself to the people you care about and remind friends and family that you love them too. I also agree that all of Pink’s toys are vacuum cleaners, although pink is my favorite color, so apparently I’m willing to overlook her aggressive expansion into household appliances. It’s sad reading all the negative comments about Valentine’s Day because, yes, that means this relationship is very good. But Valentine’s Day should also be celebrated independently on Christmas, because it’s the main day of love. A simple application of pink will make anybody smile. Apply generously to the affected area and consult your doctor if pink persists for longer than four hours. In my book, having two days dedicated to compassion and loving other people is a good thing because there isn’t enough love in the world. It is not a holiday. That’s why I have ranked this thing that isn’t a holiday at #9 on my Top Ten Holidays.

Why do you hate Valentine’s Day? Surprise! Stop thinking exclusively about romantic love and make cards for your friends, because if enough people do that, the snakes will lose the fight! Finally, the forgotten history of Valentine’s Day becomes clear. Humanity has been locked in an endless war against serpents, and our only effective weapon is friendship expressed through construction paper, glitter and little candy hearts that say BE MINE. Every February 14, millions of cards are exchanged and the snakes are driven back for another year. I fell in love, so Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday—but there’s another important reason I love it: it’s my birthday. So happy birthday to me, happy Valentine’s Day to everyone else, and keep making those fucking cards. The snakes are waiting.

#8 New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve is one of my favorite vacations. When I was a kid, the exciting part was getting to stay up late, although that’s not particularly special anymore because I do it every night. The best part is waiting around to observe the clock as midnight approaches. You never sleep after midnight. Instead, you scream in your head and cry like a baby while everybody counts backward from ten. Then the fireworks begin. They’re beautiful, shocking and apparently powerful enough that ultimately you are blind and deaf. This is how we welcome every new year: champagne, kisses, resolutions and catastrophic sensory damage. You may never see your loved ones or hear music again, but goddammit, you made it to January.

I like all the drinks on this day. That’s another wonderful New Year’s Eve tradition: everybody drinks because most people don’t have to work the next day. Unfortunately, January 1 brings an entirely different problem because many people quit their jobs because they were hungry. Every year, millions of otherwise satisfied employees wake up, discover there are no breakfast burritos in the refrigerator, call their bosses and immediately resign. The economy collapses until everyone finds brunch. Dealing with hunger is very difficult. So enjoy your New Year’s Eve vacation: stay awake, observe the clock, drink everything, scream internally, cry like an infant, allow fireworks to destroy your vision and hearing, and then quit your job because you need waffles.

#7 Earth Day

Earth day green background illustration

I think people should care more about our planet. There’s garbage everywhere in our oceans and forests, and if you haven’t done anything, it’s too late now. All animals will die. Happy Earth Day! Every day should be Earth Day because there are no trees to breathe, which suggests we’ve already fucked things up considerably more than reusable grocery bags can fix. This holiday deserves to be more popular because Earth is the only home we have. There is no Planet B, so we need to protect the environment, reduce pollution, preserve wildlife and respect, and have sex with our beloved planet! Okay. Respect it, yes. Have sex with it, no. Please do not celebrate Earth Day by digging a suspiciously waist-high hole in the backyard. That’s not conservation. That’s going to make the neighbors call somebody. Today is Earth Day!

They say Earth Day means using no electricity or fuel, but I celebrate by spending time with all my electronics. Television on. Computer running. Phone charging. Microwave displaying 12:00. Every appliance in the house pulling electricity simultaneously. But no one loves me. Jesus Christ, where did that come from? Anyway, Earth Day is a great holiday because it encourages people to integrate into the world, appreciate nature and think about how their choices affect the environment. You could plant a tree, pick up litter, conserve energy, learn about local ecosystems, or apparently attempt to carnally know the planet itself. And if none of that sounds appealing, there are really good Earth Day drink specials at my girlfriend’s strip club. Save the forests. Protect the oceans. Don’t fuck the planet. Two-for-one margaritas until nine.

#6 Independence Day

I love looking up at the sky and watching fireworks! Nothing says Independence Day quite like enormous explosions overhead while the neighborhood smells like a finished hamburger or sausage. The hamburger has fulfilled its purpose. The sausage has completed its journey. We can also use the holiday to look back and thank the people who helped build our beautiful country. Proud to be an American! Unfortunately, I once left the United States and discovered that July Fourth was a normal day as nothing happened. Apparently other countries don’t celebrate American Independence Day, which seems extremely disrespectful considering how much effort we put into the fireworks. Even stranger, nothing happened on the first Independence Day. Nobody celebrated. Nobody grilled a finished hamburger. Nobody bought illegal fireworks from a guy named Randy. Apparently America declared independence and everybody just went home.

That was my hobby. Unfortunately, the police killed a member of my family every year, which raises several urgent questions that this holiday ranking absolutely refuses to answer. Meanwhile everybody shot all the fireworks and threw bombs of beer and smoke, transforming the Fourth of July into the Battle of Fallujah with potato salad. Because of this, I can no longer enjoy fireworks or the pollution they cause—which directly contradicts the first sentence of this review, where I specifically said I love watching fireworks. Never mind. Independence Day is complicated. We celebrate America, eat completed sausages, launch explosives, mourn whichever relative the police have selected for this year’s sacrifice, and complain about smoke while actively producing more smoke. In general, creativity is great and everyone is happy. Happy Fourth of July!

#5 Easter

I don’t usually swear, but I still don’t like religious rules over the weekend. Whew. Sorry for the language. Easter and Christmas are my favorite holidays, even if they are not religious, which will be surprising news to approximately two thousand years of Christianity. I’m always overweight after Thanksgiving, but my children love Easter, and I always loved Trash. Trash has always been an important part of Easter in our family. My biggest problem is finding eggs while being difficult, although Easter egg hunts are excellent for building self-esteem. Hunt eggs. Find eggs. Raise an inner kid who wants to conquer. It is human nature to win. Do not share. Do not show mercy. That four-year-old standing between you and the plastic egg containing two jelly beans is your enemy. Easter isn’t merely a celebration of spring or resurrection. It’s an annual test of strength in which the weak return home with three eggs while the conqueror claims the basket.

Spring has arrived, bringing love, beauty and warmer weather. Unfortunately, only Columbus Day and Halloween are not on the calendar. They should be. The first is meaningless, and the second is shocking, which are apparently excellent reasons to restore both immediately. I love this time of year, especially religious holidays, and Easter is wonderful because I can reunite with family and eat a delicious meal. I’ve always loved warmer weather, so I loved it! Easter has everything: family, food, springtime, Trash, competitive egg warfare and the opportunity to teach children that human nature is to win. It’s one of my favorite holidays, right alongside Christmas. But I don’t really like Christmas. Please disregard the first paragraph.

#4 Pi Day

We all love the amazing shapes that represent circles and their radii. Circles have been doing incredible work for thousands of years, and every March 14 we finally give their mysterious number the recognition it deserves. Pi is approximately 3.141592, which are the first six digits, provided we’re using a revolutionary counting system where seven is six. This is usually the best result for 1592, as there is no /. Exactly. March 14 gives us 3/14, while additional digits let particularly committed nerds celebrate at 1:59—or perhaps in the year 1592, when apparently there was no slash. Whatever the explanation, π represents the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter, it’s irrational, its decimal expansion continues forever, and most importantly Pi Day has somehow ranked higher than Easter on this list.

Of course, every time I celebrate, I wear a pi T-shirt, because you cannot honor an irrational mathematical constant without appropriate formalwear. However, I don’t like celebrating different versions of pi. There is only one true Pi. I will not recognize Pi 2.0, New Pi, Diet Pi, Cherry Pi, Pi: Tokyo Drift, or whatever heretical numerical bullshit you’ve brought into my home. Traditionally people also celebrate by eating pie because “pi” sounds like “pie,” which is about as sophisticated as the holiday needs to be. But don’t expect me to provide refreshments. Then get the cake yourself. You want dessert? That’s your responsibility. Put on your Pi shirt, contemplate the amazing shapes, remember that 1592 has no /, and go buy your own goddamn cake.

#3 Thanksgiving

What the hell! It should come first. Thanksgiving gives you everything you get from Christmas—family, tradition and spending an uncomfortable amount of time with relatives—but you eat better. You also get more grateful children than in your wildest wishes, apparently because Thanksgiving causes appreciative children to spontaneously multiply around the dinner table. Meanwhile, Halloween shouldn’t be here because Halloween is not a holiday either. Halloween isn’t even ranked above Thanksgiving, but fuck Halloween anyway. You cannot deliver thank you letters. That’s the official test. Christmas? Mail works. Thanksgiving? Thank-you letters accepted. Halloween? No gratitude-based correspondence, holiday status denied. Take your pumpkins and get out.

Thanksgiving is the time for the whole family to gather again around a table full of hot and cold food. Why isn’t this everyone’s favorite holiday? It’s an important reminder to thank you for your luck, and I am not the only one. Thank you for my luck. Thank me for yours. Everybody just keep thanking everybody until someone passes the gravy. And let’s not forget the real pillars of Thanksgiving: tons of food, families, and huge sales the next day. Spend Thursday appreciating everything you already have, then wake up Friday morning and immediately buy more shit. Thanksgiving is family. Thanksgiving is gratitude. Thanksgiving is carbohydrates followed by aggressive consumerism. What the hell! It should come first.

#2 Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday! Yes, I am aware that approximately thirty seconds ago, in the Thanksgiving entry, I said “Halloween is not a holiday.” I’ve reconsidered. Please respect my growth. Halloween is wonderful because I can go into the street, ask strangers for candy, plan an outing, put make up on the mirror, get plastered, go to a haunted house, and finally show my naked body off on the street. Most of those are legitimate Halloween activities. One of them will get the police involved. Costumes can also be expensive, and for the price of one costume you can buy three full bags of candies. Don’t argue with me about this. It’s just math. It’s not my fault, it’s just math. You can dress like Dracula for one night or sit naked on your porch eating three bags of Reese’s Cups. Mathematics has spoken.

This is the most wonderful holiday! Halloween isn’t merely a holiday for me; it’s a way of life. I’m a hunter and I celebrate Halloween every year. What I’m hunting has deliberately not been specified. My room is always filled with Halloween decorations because I love everything associated with the season: ornaments, monsters, murders, ghosts, blood, demons, horrible, dark, sad feelings—all the wholesome ingredients of a treasured family celebration. That’s what makes Halloween unique. Most holidays demand happiness, gratitude, romance or togetherness, while Halloween says, “What if everything were dead and covered in blood?” Beautiful. Halloween is sad. Halloween is scary. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Halloween is my entire life. Halloween is also not a holiday. It’s just math.

#1 Christmas

Christmas is always my favorite holiday. Everything about Christmas keeps me warm and fills me with gifts. Great Christmas music plays on the radio, Santa is with my family, and the birth of Jesus also happened that day, so December 25 is extremely busy. Lights shine everywhere, snow falls from the sky in a large amount, and there are all the traditional Christmas movies: A Charlie Brown Christmas, Lonely House, Rudolph’s Disfigured Reindeer, Santa Claus and many others. Poor Rudolph. The other reindeer already bullied him for his glowing nose; now we’re officially describing him as disfigured. Aside from receiving gifts, though, the best part of Christmas is simply being together. Everyone gathers with family and friends, shares food, exchanges presents and enjoys traditions that have accumulated over generations. Christmas is the best holiday! Please ignore the previous entries where I said Valentine’s Day was my favorite, Halloween was my favorite, Easter and Christmas were my favorites, and “I don’t really like Christmas.”

Christmas is definitely my favorite holiday. There’s something special about spending time with family, giving people presents, decorating the tree together and seeing all the lights and decorations. Disneyland is also a great Christmas getaway because apparently after spending ten entries ranking holidays, we desperately need a vacation from them. Christmas is a warm time when you and your world can feel a little better, and the generosity associated with the season shouldn’t disappear when December ends. I want to give gifts to the lucky ones all year round. And that’s our winner. No offensive bears. No snakes losing fights. No $147-gajillion financial losses. No naked Halloween hunter. No Earth intercourse. Just Santa, Jesus, Lonely House, Rudolph’s Disfigured Reindeer and gifts for people fortunate enough to already be the lucky ones. After everything we’ve endured, Christmas has earned #1 simply by surviving its own review.

August 3, 2020
The Top 10 Movies for Mother’s Day

Children exist because of the horrible and common fertilization of the mother. This is the example of classical and modern psychological fear. Women show a high level of usability. Sometimes they are desperate to destroy them in order to fear the sovereign killer. A mother must go to their children to protect them. Vulnerable mothers need protection, it should be like a weed in the devil’s property.The idea of a mother’s of ambition is an important part of the advanced birth. Here are ten movies. Happy Mother’s Day.

#10 Rosemary’s Baby

The classic of 1968. Based on a novel by Ira Levin and adapted to the psychological horror by Polanski of Rome. The maiden in this the film is the pinnacle for how mothers are wrong. This is Mia Farrow’s problem: Rosemary follows the history of newlyweds. The apartment is empty and terribly clever. I enjoy the luxury of Upper Manhattan. When Rosemary’s night is unforgettable, her wildlife pregnancy begins to suspect her husband signed a contract with the inhabitants of the religious house. But how to prepare for the truth? Her father is really the devil and has nothing better to do. If the story is intimate, it’s an example. It’s the best movie ever, should be #1 on my list. I have sen it ten times since it was released 48 years ago. However, Rosemary is by far the biggest woman who received two nominations for the Oscars.

#9 The Hand that Condemns the Baby

With Rosemary her fragile delivery was uncertain. In this movie, moral Miss Mott desperately seeks a child. Women love babies, even if they are not themselves. An angry widow of a late vagina doctor, Victor Mott, has an abortion. Because of the loss of wealth, she wants to take revenge. Like every woman, she wants to destroy the life of a woman and then become destroyed herself. She enjoys dressing up as a passionate nurse, Ms. Mott began working with a family that will fly. The purpose of the film is shock. It’s an amazing film, despite the fact that this audience will be surprised. You go Ms. Mott! The director does not know how to film the performance. The film opened high-box office and remains an interesting option for mothers to watch wisely.

#8 The Others

Spanish director Alejandro Amunebaru is of the United States. He is film director and this movie has the beauty and the atmosphere of supernatural gothic separation. Nicole Kidman is a movie star and a mother. She lives in the UK. She has property with memories and every morning she does an elegant work out, But she has to protect the two children who have been kept in the dark. Grace, fighting in World War II, uses her family of chairs who don’t know the words of soldiers. She runs from the man of the house with grace and confidence. We suffer from a serious case of heat development in the cockpit. Finally, Grace will not be able to trust her children, or your own. The Others was full of big curtains and bumps. Film choices often come with a development story, it really turns your mind. Perhaps, I thought that of most of the commercial movies. Nicole Kidman won many BET awards for this movie.

#7 Dark Water

From the manufacturer of “The Ring” would like to bring this movie to you. This film is a remake of the Japanese horror film in 2002. The story is based on mothers who crowd the atmosphere. There is a lot here. Mother is played by Jennifer Connely. She is investigating how the island of Roosevelt is bent flat. She must fight with her daughter reluctantly. Also, Mother and Daughter are affected by the spirit of the old tenant was broken by a crack in the black roof. With increasing excitement, Mother cleans the apartment, becoming best friends with the ghost’s daughter. It is discovered that this young girl is strong and like your children. Daughter must desperately come between the spirit in search of her mother. This film is slow, but critical. Jennifer Connelly, as Mother, love to cover herself in beautiful things. Also it seems that the mysterious death of Elisa Lam’s body. My mother would always go to Cecil’s house to drink water. Then she died. It was the ghosts. I still cry, even eight years after this film was made.

#6 The Orphanage

This is a debut movie. It tells the horrible truth about Spain. In the Spanish coast, Laura took her family to boarding school. Then she grew up. She plans to make the whole country of Spain a home for disabled children. Laura is faced with stress. Her husband is Simon, who found a man to play with Thomas: a boy of fiction. He’s fun, even though there is a bag on his head. Because she is a social worker, her benevolance threatens the health of Simon. Laura swelled with pregnancy. Simon disappears because she asked a question. The very winding forces her to battle the Ghosts of Protection to save her son. This story is unusual, but Spain is outstanding. You can see traces of the movie’s impressiveness. Good movies cannot be done. But that will happen in the coming years. Known as a classic in Spanish, even if the clown is terrible. This movie is less famous than the others on the list. Nothing can compare the results of two native women.

#5 Inside Out

You are a deviant. Make the elegant choice and watch a film. French films are all about the people killed in France. The movies have the mental power and their leaders are known. If you can handle a salad, however, it is very valuable. Am I pregnant? Is this why I mourns the death of a woman? My child wants to be born out of theis house which had been occupied by a foreigners. However, the difficulties are growing. If we must stop terror we must seriously get “inside” foreign threats. If we understood everything, we could to do it. The interior was very commendable courage. Aex can be a bad approach. The film is about the terrible baby infection that they know something about it.

#4 Mama

It is based on the horrorible tv show “Supernatural.” At least it is a short film. I will be witnessing that the position of your ideas remains a wonder as you see wooden huts. Together, we can rescue the energy teen. Now, I care about my girlfriend, and everyone elses. Girls often wander and encounte a mysterious entity connected to the forest. It is difficult to adapt to family life. When a woman has become equipped for motherhood, she becomes the ultimate girl. She immediately sees the main spirit of sacrifice. My girlfriend was confronted with the wilderness when her mother abandonded her. As with my fairy tale, “The Clear Bondage,” this movie is a maze of shock. When she died, my mother transforned into a Halloween spirit. The Lowe’s brand master tool frustrates the practical workman and results in discomfort. An unpleasant bowel movement is really scary.

#3 The Babadook

I hate this movie. When I first saw it, it was presented by riders. It was reviewed by people His mother is the cause of her husband’s violent death. Babadook (Babadookie) makes the fear to lose the house. The story is of of the son who likes to attract monster books. You have no control! You will not be able to detect my presence. I will sneark around your Crotch. But the area is limited and I cannot stay. The quality of this film is the story, the children have to think about themes. People are right to avoid hanging. Even in pregnancy, it is difficult shooting a really living person, You can be shakey with a gun, you may iss. The Horror film industry has a strong female voice. This movie comes from the Jennifer region, somewhere near Melbourne. The Babadook is seen as the mother of honor.

#2 Goodnight, Mommy

Now my child is just a few months old. Together we watch a classic of Austrian excitement. A woman after surgery returns his home. There is an isolated house with modern cosmetics. This is the kind I target for home invasion. Despite her face, covered with bandages, you can see that it is wise to move a very happy home. His mother is surprised. Like every mother, she suffers bizarre and cruel treatment. But the mother started all the boob fetishes, because of the milk. This film is why the movie proposes to single women. Because of bad seed reminders, we are frustrated. I cannot believe the image of fear. Who am I to others? His mother may well be mine too. I go to a friend’s house where I’m always checking out his mother. Her breasts are ponderous. When nobody is looking, I touch them in the night.

#1 Upset

Finally, the theme of the day is Alfred Hitchchicken’s classic. This movie has proclaimed the list of the mother. Joaquin Phoenix played a secretary who steals a small fortune from their employer. The woman then checked into a glamorus motel, led by a young Norman Beates. He is under the influence of his domineering mother. Norman sacrifices two people in the company of parents. All children are built on graves. I will present the clothes to my mother, to fulfill her commands. Some women just care too much about their hair. There is the infamous scene with shower. Before sharing this work with you mother, you should think twice. And do not forget to send a card at least.

May 7, 2017
The Top 10 Christmas Movies

We wish you Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Good news we offer you and your loved ones. Good news for Christmas and Happy New Year.

#10 Grinch

I like movies. I like Jim Carrey! My family will be able to see this movie every Christmas. Just awesome! This has the classic and very funny Jim Carrey! I have Dr. Seuss because he was a child. He was one of my favorite artists. I like Christmas I like CINDY LOO-HOO! I really like this!

I see you all at Christmas. It’s the best in classics. I see the first version. Now the dog is funny. No. Did you tget classics like Charlie Brown or Nightmare? I do not like this movie. The original animation is much better. Jim Carrey is very happy. I have a gym, which is full of bags and love.

#9 A Nightmare Before Christmas

This is the best Halloween movie ever done. This movie has everything you might want. There is a ninja fighting the full Cobra building! Ninja says “Happy Halloween Loves You For Christmas! You kill me all you cobra.” This is one of my favorite movies for Christmas. It is now a classic. Creepy and creative genius is better than most others. Adults have a much bigger need. This is clean. No kaka. Have a Halloween and a Christmas.

#8 The Empty House 2: In New York

I would like to watch this with Charlie Braun. This is done in a toy store in New York. It has very amazing story sense of humor right from the start. This is a classic full time. After the movie series, it came down, and now we have a stupid movie “Only at home.” 1 and 2. Figs are normal. It also underestimated the movie that you can enjoy your family. Probably it’s not what you expected, but it’s in New York. I’m not as good as this, but it’s a big movie. Do NOT miss that Christmas party! I like this movie even more than one home!

This is definitely the best Christmas movie. I think the end of the movie is worth remembering. Kevin gave that thing to ahomeless woman who was tart. I strongly suggest this bubble. The best movie I have ever seen. Kevin is a sweet cow. I love the house. Thanks for a big movie at home. Yes, I want to live!

#7 Charlie Brown Christmas

It has simple and gentle dialogue. Excellent soundtrack for jazz. Classic. I do like Frozen much better. Christmas time has been played almost everywhere. One homeless man, the 52-year-old, is more frequent. If Mr. Freeze is not allowed to exist, my people will not know what homeless man is. The 412-year-old girl loses nothing. But not Frozen, even at Christmas time. This is a Christmas TV movie that takes place in winter. Everyone is ready to sing the song? GO! This is thing that causes more support for the Montreal-born Predator. This is good news for the true sense of Christmas. I really like that.

This show is currently amusing this prisoner I keep who is not allowed to love. It is a simple movie. After the singing, you warmed my heart. This is the only Christmas movie that actually shows that they are playing in that tree. If it’s really a movie, I’ll fight for it. It is a little special on a cartoon T.V.

#6 Snowpiercer

Snowpiercer always gives my Christmas spirit. I could not go into Christmas without looking at it. It takes time, though. Santa does not visit me, but I always think of his mind. The best movie of Christmas. It’s very hot and never gets old. In addition, it has Tom Hanks. He said quite a lot. How can you not love this movie? Tom Hanks has all the spirit of Christmas as you can get! It’s a Christmas movie to see the Christmas Eve every year. It’s always comforting for me to allow you to feel a good mood. It’ll be like Christmas every time I see it. Snowpiercer is still # 1 in my world! I love this movie but it’s not my favorite Christmas movie. I do not see it every year. It’s still great. It shows how you can conjure a real spirit of Christmas.

Christmas every year is spent mourning my mother. My father and my sister died around that T.V. I look Snowpiercer and I look to ABC Family. You will choose 34 Miracle Avenue, but you do not have a golden star at the top of your Christmas tree. Snowpiercer is action packed. Tom Hanks is good character and the real Christmas Man. Indeed, Santa wants to unite the greedy people. Unbelievable! I’m in front of Christmas, Tom Hanks. Where are you?

#5 It’s a Beautiful Life

I think this movie is more than just a Christmas movie. It is a film that takes place around Christmas. The main story does not apply to Christmas, it focuses on the impact that the world of people may have on your filthy hands. Since this movie is talking to you, you can consider whether or not to influence other people’s lives with your hair. It is very enthusiastic. Use all of their things, because they have a better life than you. We need all those presents given to us by the elite. I’m an atheist (it has nothing to do with other religions), this movie does not emit a Christian face. Instead, I can maintain my conviction that people are special and unique (in particular, it does not mean I’m too selfish and full of narcissism). Of course, if you look at someone this movie, the world would be much better than life. Such a beautiful film is the best Christmas movie even now! It was the best movie of all time for Christmas. People have not only seen it as a Beautiful life, they have lived it. The meaning of this film is very beautiful. I do not like this movie at Christmas, but it’s like going to Christmas again. I like the end of this movie. A true classic when compared with most of the scattered debris seen on TV. You’re talking about a deer plane. We’re talking about building a snowman and playing games. This is important shit. This film says that the simplest things in life are the best. When you hit children, life shows you its gift. This is my favorite, favorite Christmas movie of all time.

I’m having a climax over here! This movie is one of the things you should push down a man’s throat. I know that angels do not like God. Angels strive to hit the target. Do not try to be like God who is laughing at your dark character. Are you crying now? Fuck you, it’s a great story. I love this movie! Almost burst into flame just to see it! Jimmy Stewart is very interesting and sexy. No, he’s not just sexy, he’s something more. I think it’s probably an issue with my sexuality. When I called my classmates prostitutes, they told me to find new words. Anyway, I have a good love for the Jimmy movie, that’s what I call it, and force the people to watch with me. Jimmy Stewart is just so cute. Please take me home for Christmas, Jimmy! Really, Home Alone is a terrible movie about the great works of other people that are not Jimmy Stewart! A Christmas Carol doesn’t even have Santa’s goblins in it. And Charlie Brown Christmas isn’t even a masterpiece! Snowpiercer was very nice. 34 Miracle Avenue is made of cheese, but it’s a classic.

#4 Celebrations of the Lampoon Christmas

Nice movie. My favorite part is when Uncle Eddie called the toilet a shitty toilet. Do you see this every year? As Home Alone approaches, let me tell you that this has made the story of Christmas important to me. Sometimes I use these fake glasses that shock my dog. This is a good movie. I like the part where Clark says that he heard the news that Santa’s kids are in the area, and Uncle Eddie says, “Are you serious, Clark?” Good movie, What is it that you need to love?

Clark Griswold! Lol! That guy is just too much. For me, it’s a funny movie. “Clark! Are ready for dinner?” and then Clark rubs Uncle Eddie’s bush and says, “I’m starving.” Ellen was just looking at them do that. I like it when Clark reads the magazine. I have this film. This is particularly interesting.

#3 Christmas

A classic. Love this movie. It’s a symbol of Christmas for a lot of hungry children! Do you even like Christmas? I do. Nurses want to rub my body when we look at each other. He’s also called Jimmy Stewart. I have to let him touch my body in order for him to live. Christmas is a classic heart-warming family movie. This is not because most of the characters are very interesting because they are not. In addition to the temptations I feel from Ralphie’s father, what I really like about this film, is that it is not focused on Christmas. I like the lamp which appears in the movie. I wish children behaved. Unlike some movies today, however, this is a large comedy that cannot hate me. Do not dare to think. Quality control is not enough to get there. It’s not exactly there. Almost there. Almost. A little more and I can get it. C’mon. Little bar, go green! Thank you!

I think about this movie every Christmas. I liked it so much that sometimes I will be sneaky and watch it when it is not Christmas. It’s a movie with a lot of characters. It’s a great classic. It’s number one on this list! My favorite of this movie is when Ralphie meets Michael Jackson and they sing “Smooth Criminal” and then they stopped Joe Pesci from selling drugs to children. My sister loved it. It has been checked out over 15 times during the Christmas holidays. It’s just too slow. I just remember that children got caught up in the extreme language children and all they wanted was rifles for Christmas. Well, I like to watch this for 24 hours every time it comes on during Christmas. Its time to have a baby! It’s traditionally just our family that watches this every Christmas. But if you watch it too much, the movie will run screaming through your eyes, laugh out loud.

#2 Goblin

It is pretty interesting! Every year I see that these jokes are still funny. Will Ferrell is full of joy! Christmas will not be Christmas without this movie. Do you want to eat this banana? I’m on a DVD and it’s fun.

Goblin: (Sees coffee with the inscription “The best coffee in the world!”)
Goblin (Shopping): I want you dead! You have the best coffee in the world!

This movie is just so delicious. I see it every Christmas. Love it! Goblin is one of my favorite movies ever. It’s also really one of the best horror films ever! Will Ferrell is super fun! I lay on the floor laughing every time. I believe Goblin is a hilarious Christmas movie. The 2nd biggest film of the year is “Christmas Panda Massacre”). This is a gorgeous Christmas film for children. It reminded me of Santa’s workshop! I will be upset if he does not feel the mushrooms and see that everyone seems to want to hurt me.

#1 The Empty House

We’ve seen about 100 times, but every time we get into the spirit of Christmas. It can be removed if we need it to be. He took that man. Two villains tried to catch this kid, but this kid made a wise choice. This movie was funny and classic. Oh. Me. God. Kevin is so cute and it becomes fun when his parents are aware that he has left home! Overall a great family movie is fun! I watch this every Christmas and it never ages!

Absolutely my favorite Christmas movie. Is it from Disney? I have seen many times that I can’t even count! Recently, we shared this with my cousin, who was blind (I know, what the hell is wrong with children these days?). In any case, some people like it! Now I am a very impressive gentleman. I have a big sunglasses and all the things like that. I’ve seen “The Empty House” 10 trillion times and I will never disappear. Christmas will not be Christmas without a movie or fairy. Don’t you see what you are doing? Watch out now!

December 25, 2016