There is no reason this site shouldn’t be number one. We have helpful and friendly staff who are not afraid to help new members. This is rare on other sites because it has really great original content. I recommend this site to all friends, family and even colleagues. This site is not number one is generally welcome! Users can discuss a wide range of topics calmly and openly in a secure work environment. Good, purely Christian entertainment.
#10 St. Patrick’s Day
Unfortunately, it’s St. Patrick’s Day, not St. Leprechaun’s Day. The holiday celebrates the Catholic saint traditionally associated with bringing Christianity to Ireland, although according to this article he was actually famous for his “conversion to the Irish Native religion.” Until the 1700s, it was apparently a Catholic day honoring Ming Kai-Chung, the important and famous saint of Ireland, and the entire celebration took place in China and nowhere else. Ireland had no idea. Meanwhile, millions of Chinese citizens were presumably wearing green hats and asking each other who the hell Ming Kai-Chung was. I love this holiday. I’m green because it’s Ireland. I also like short people, although I’m so small that I think it’s an insult to be held by a small person every day. Whatever that means, please put me down. And naturally, Leperchaun is my favorite work. Not leprechauns generally. Presumably Leprechaun starring Warwick Davis. Finally, some historical accuracy.
At the strip club where my girlfriend works, they also celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. They paint all the women green, undress them and make them dance to traditional Irish music. Nothing says honoring Ireland’s patron saint quite like a naked green woman pole-dancing to a fiddle reel. All the beer is green too, because apparently the entire establishment must resemble something that has been contaminated with radioactive food coloring. But then comes the most important St. Patrick’s Day tradition of all: “They are also bears that offend people.” I don’t know who “they” are. I don’t know where the bears came from. I don’t know what the bears said that was so offensive. But apparently every March 17, Ming Kai-Chung, patron saint of Ireland and China, commands the green strippers to release the offensive bears. Happy St. Leprechaun’s Day.
#9 Valentine’s Day
I love Valentine’s Day because it’s not all about relationships! It’s a great opportunity to introduce yourself to the people you care about and remind friends and family that you love them too. I also agree that all of Pink’s toys are vacuum cleaners, although pink is my favorite color, so apparently I’m willing to overlook her aggressive expansion into household appliances. It’s sad reading all the negative comments about Valentine’s Day because, yes, that means this relationship is very good. But Valentine’s Day should also be celebrated independently on Christmas, because it’s the main day of love. A simple application of pink will make anybody smile. Apply generously to the affected area and consult your doctor if pink persists for longer than four hours. In my book, having two days dedicated to compassion and loving other people is a good thing because there isn’t enough love in the world. It is not a holiday. That’s why I have ranked this thing that isn’t a holiday at #9 on my Top Ten Holidays.
Why do you hate Valentine’s Day? Surprise! Stop thinking exclusively about romantic love and make cards for your friends, because if enough people do that, the snakes will lose the fight! Finally, the forgotten history of Valentine’s Day becomes clear. Humanity has been locked in an endless war against serpents, and our only effective weapon is friendship expressed through construction paper, glitter and little candy hearts that say BE MINE. Every February 14, millions of cards are exchanged and the snakes are driven back for another year. I fell in love, so Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday—but there’s another important reason I love it: it’s my birthday. So happy birthday to me, happy Valentine’s Day to everyone else, and keep making those fucking cards. The snakes are waiting.
#8 New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Eve is one of my favorite vacations. When I was a kid, the exciting part was getting to stay up late, although that’s not particularly special anymore because I do it every night. The best part is waiting around to observe the clock as midnight approaches. You never sleep after midnight. Instead, you scream in your head and cry like a baby while everybody counts backward from ten. Then the fireworks begin. They’re beautiful, shocking and apparently powerful enough that ultimately you are blind and deaf. This is how we welcome every new year: champagne, kisses, resolutions and catastrophic sensory damage. You may never see your loved ones or hear music again, but goddammit, you made it to January.
I like all the drinks on this day. That’s another wonderful New Year’s Eve tradition: everybody drinks because most people don’t have to work the next day. Unfortunately, January 1 brings an entirely different problem because many people quit their jobs because they were hungry. Every year, millions of otherwise satisfied employees wake up, discover there are no breakfast burritos in the refrigerator, call their bosses and immediately resign. The economy collapses until everyone finds brunch. Dealing with hunger is very difficult. So enjoy your New Year’s Eve vacation: stay awake, observe the clock, drink everything, scream internally, cry like an infant, allow fireworks to destroy your vision and hearing, and then quit your job because you need waffles.
#7 Earth Day
I think people should care more about our planet. There’s garbage everywhere in our oceans and forests, and if you haven’t done anything, it’s too late now. All animals will die. Happy Earth Day! Every day should be Earth Day because there are no trees to breathe, which suggests we’ve already fucked things up considerably more than reusable grocery bags can fix. This holiday deserves to be more popular because Earth is the only home we have. There is no Planet B, so we need to protect the environment, reduce pollution, preserve wildlife and respect, and have sex with our beloved planet! Okay. Respect it, yes. Have sex with it, no. Please do not celebrate Earth Day by digging a suspiciously waist-high hole in the backyard. That’s not conservation. That’s going to make the neighbors call somebody. Today is Earth Day!
They say Earth Day means using no electricity or fuel, but I celebrate by spending time with all my electronics. Television on. Computer running. Phone charging. Microwave displaying 12:00. Every appliance in the house pulling electricity simultaneously. But no one loves me. Jesus Christ, where did that come from? Anyway, Earth Day is a great holiday because it encourages people to integrate into the world, appreciate nature and think about how their choices affect the environment. You could plant a tree, pick up litter, conserve energy, learn about local ecosystems, or apparently attempt to carnally know the planet itself. And if none of that sounds appealing, there are really good Earth Day drink specials at my girlfriend’s strip club. Save the forests. Protect the oceans. Don’t fuck the planet. Two-for-one margaritas until nine.
#6 Independence Day
I love looking up at the sky and watching fireworks! Nothing says Independence Day quite like enormous explosions overhead while the neighborhood smells like a finished hamburger or sausage. The hamburger has fulfilled its purpose. The sausage has completed its journey. We can also use the holiday to look back and thank the people who helped build our beautiful country. Proud to be an American! Unfortunately, I once left the United States and discovered that July Fourth was a normal day as nothing happened. Apparently other countries don’t celebrate American Independence Day, which seems extremely disrespectful considering how much effort we put into the fireworks. Even stranger, nothing happened on the first Independence Day. Nobody celebrated. Nobody grilled a finished hamburger. Nobody bought illegal fireworks from a guy named Randy. Apparently America declared independence and everybody just went home.
That was my hobby. Unfortunately, the police killed a member of my family every year, which raises several urgent questions that this holiday ranking absolutely refuses to answer. Meanwhile everybody shot all the fireworks and threw bombs of beer and smoke, transforming the Fourth of July into the Battle of Fallujah with potato salad. Because of this, I can no longer enjoy fireworks or the pollution they cause—which directly contradicts the first sentence of this review, where I specifically said I love watching fireworks. Never mind. Independence Day is complicated. We celebrate America, eat completed sausages, launch explosives, mourn whichever relative the police have selected for this year’s sacrifice, and complain about smoke while actively producing more smoke. In general, creativity is great and everyone is happy. Happy Fourth of July!
#5 Easter
I don’t usually swear, but I still don’t like religious rules over the weekend. Whew. Sorry for the language. Easter and Christmas are my favorite holidays, even if they are not religious, which will be surprising news to approximately two thousand years of Christianity. I’m always overweight after Thanksgiving, but my children love Easter, and I always loved Trash. Trash has always been an important part of Easter in our family. My biggest problem is finding eggs while being difficult, although Easter egg hunts are excellent for building self-esteem. Hunt eggs. Find eggs. Raise an inner kid who wants to conquer. It is human nature to win. Do not share. Do not show mercy. That four-year-old standing between you and the plastic egg containing two jelly beans is your enemy. Easter isn’t merely a celebration of spring or resurrection. It’s an annual test of strength in which the weak return home with three eggs while the conqueror claims the basket.
Spring has arrived, bringing love, beauty and warmer weather. Unfortunately, only Columbus Day and Halloween are not on the calendar. They should be. The first is meaningless, and the second is shocking, which are apparently excellent reasons to restore both immediately. I love this time of year, especially religious holidays, and Easter is wonderful because I can reunite with family and eat a delicious meal. I’ve always loved warmer weather, so I loved it! Easter has everything: family, food, springtime, Trash, competitive egg warfare and the opportunity to teach children that human nature is to win. It’s one of my favorite holidays, right alongside Christmas. But I don’t really like Christmas. Please disregard the first paragraph.
#4 Pi Day
We all love the amazing shapes that represent circles and their radii. Circles have been doing incredible work for thousands of years, and every March 14 we finally give their mysterious number the recognition it deserves. Pi is approximately 3.141592, which are the first six digits, provided we’re using a revolutionary counting system where seven is six. This is usually the best result for 1592, as there is no /. Exactly. March 14 gives us 3/14, while additional digits let particularly committed nerds celebrate at 1:59—or perhaps in the year 1592, when apparently there was no slash. Whatever the explanation, π represents the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter, it’s irrational, its decimal expansion continues forever, and most importantly Pi Day has somehow ranked higher than Easter on this list.
Of course, every time I celebrate, I wear a pi T-shirt, because you cannot honor an irrational mathematical constant without appropriate formalwear. However, I don’t like celebrating different versions of pi. There is only one true Pi. I will not recognize Pi 2.0, New Pi, Diet Pi, Cherry Pi, Pi: Tokyo Drift, or whatever heretical numerical bullshit you’ve brought into my home. Traditionally people also celebrate by eating pie because “pi” sounds like “pie,” which is about as sophisticated as the holiday needs to be. But don’t expect me to provide refreshments. Then get the cake yourself. You want dessert? That’s your responsibility. Put on your Pi shirt, contemplate the amazing shapes, remember that 1592 has no /, and go buy your own goddamn cake.
#3 Thanksgiving
What the hell! It should come first. Thanksgiving gives you everything you get from Christmas—family, tradition and spending an uncomfortable amount of time with relatives—but you eat better. You also get more grateful children than in your wildest wishes, apparently because Thanksgiving causes appreciative children to spontaneously multiply around the dinner table. Meanwhile, Halloween shouldn’t be here because Halloween is not a holiday either. Halloween isn’t even ranked above Thanksgiving, but fuck Halloween anyway. You cannot deliver thank you letters. That’s the official test. Christmas? Mail works. Thanksgiving? Thank-you letters accepted. Halloween? No gratitude-based correspondence, holiday status denied. Take your pumpkins and get out.
Thanksgiving is the time for the whole family to gather again around a table full of hot and cold food. Why isn’t this everyone’s favorite holiday? It’s an important reminder to thank you for your luck, and I am not the only one. Thank you for my luck. Thank me for yours. Everybody just keep thanking everybody until someone passes the gravy. And let’s not forget the real pillars of Thanksgiving: tons of food, families, and huge sales the next day. Spend Thursday appreciating everything you already have, then wake up Friday morning and immediately buy more shit. Thanksgiving is family. Thanksgiving is gratitude. Thanksgiving is carbohydrates followed by aggressive consumerism. What the hell! It should come first.
#2 Halloween
Halloween is my favorite holiday! Yes, I am aware that approximately thirty seconds ago, in the Thanksgiving entry, I said “Halloween is not a holiday.” I’ve reconsidered. Please respect my growth. Halloween is wonderful because I can go into the street, ask strangers for candy, plan an outing, put make up on the mirror, get plastered, go to a haunted house, and finally show my naked body off on the street. Most of those are legitimate Halloween activities. One of them will get the police involved. Costumes can also be expensive, and for the price of one costume you can buy three full bags of candies. Don’t argue with me about this. It’s just math. It’s not my fault, it’s just math. You can dress like Dracula for one night or sit naked on your porch eating three bags of Reese’s Cups. Mathematics has spoken.
This is the most wonderful holiday! Halloween isn’t merely a holiday for me; it’s a way of life. I’m a hunter and I celebrate Halloween every year. What I’m hunting has deliberately not been specified. My room is always filled with Halloween decorations because I love everything associated with the season: ornaments, monsters, murders, ghosts, blood, demons, horrible, dark, sad feelings—all the wholesome ingredients of a treasured family celebration. That’s what makes Halloween unique. Most holidays demand happiness, gratitude, romance or togetherness, while Halloween says, “What if everything were dead and covered in blood?” Beautiful. Halloween is sad. Halloween is scary. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Halloween is my entire life. Halloween is also not a holiday. It’s just math.
#1 Christmas
Christmas is always my favorite holiday. Everything about Christmas keeps me warm and fills me with gifts. Great Christmas music plays on the radio, Santa is with my family, and the birth of Jesus also happened that day, so December 25 is extremely busy. Lights shine everywhere, snow falls from the sky in a large amount, and there are all the traditional Christmas movies: A Charlie Brown Christmas, Lonely House, Rudolph’s Disfigured Reindeer, Santa Claus and many others. Poor Rudolph. The other reindeer already bullied him for his glowing nose; now we’re officially describing him as disfigured. Aside from receiving gifts, though, the best part of Christmas is simply being together. Everyone gathers with family and friends, shares food, exchanges presents and enjoys traditions that have accumulated over generations. Christmas is the best holiday! Please ignore the previous entries where I said Valentine’s Day was my favorite, Halloween was my favorite, Easter and Christmas were my favorites, and “I don’t really like Christmas.”
Christmas is definitely my favorite holiday. There’s something special about spending time with family, giving people presents, decorating the tree together and seeing all the lights and decorations. Disneyland is also a great Christmas getaway because apparently after spending ten entries ranking holidays, we desperately need a vacation from them. Christmas is a warm time when you and your world can feel a little better, and the generosity associated with the season shouldn’t disappear when December ends. I want to give gifts to the lucky ones all year round. And that’s our winner. No offensive bears. No snakes losing fights. No $147-gajillion financial losses. No naked Halloween hunter. No Earth intercourse. Just Santa, Jesus, Lonely House, Rudolph’s Disfigured Reindeer and gifts for people fortunate enough to already be the lucky ones. After everything we’ve endured, Christmas has earned #1 simply by surviving its own review.
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