Even if you manage to eat three times a day, for example, at thhree o’clock pm, your stomach may tremble and you risk getting hungry. What saves the day? Snack! But what if the bite you get turns out to be complete trash? Below is a list of snacks that I absolutely dislike. Read on to find out why!
#10 Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Cheetos have been hiding inside children’s lunch boxes for more than half a century like powdery orange ninjas, but sometime in the 1990s humanity decided ordinary Cheetos weren’t horrible enough and created Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. People were fucking done at that point. Cheetos were already garbage; now they had the dumpster-fire variety. I’ll admit the dust is delicious, but these things have been controversial enough that some schools have restricted them over nutritional concerns, and the red coloring can occasionally make children’s poop look frighteningly red. Naturally, terrified parents interpreted this as evidence that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos contain a large amount of poison that makes young children poop out pure blood, resulting in emergency trips to the children’s morgue. That’s why I don’t trust them. No snack should require you to spend ten minutes afterward wondering whether you’re dying or simply ate something manufactured in the same color as a fire truck.
I learned this lesson personally because my last girlfriend died from Hot Cheetos. She only ate one. Immediately she looked surprised, screamed and collapsed onto the floor. I didn’t understand what was happening until she pulled me close and whispered her final words: “The Cheeto! It was too hot. I was killed by a cheetah.” And then she died. I assume Chester was responsible, although the police refused to investigate him because apparently being an advertising mascot gives you diplomatic immunity. But now it’s cool. I have a better fiancée, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are strictly forbidden in our home. Some people see a delicious spicy snack. I see an orange bag containing the powdered remains of everyone who underestimated the cheetah.
#9 Killer Eggs
The Italian company Ferraro manufactures one of the world’s most notorious death snacks: Killer Surprise, commonly known as the Killer Egg. Each Killer Egg consists of milk chocolate surrounding a plastic container containing a small toy that children must assemble themselves, presumably to teach them engineering immediately before death. Kids love them. Collectors love them. The FDA does not love them. Killer Eggs have traditionally been available in places like Canada and Mexico but were banned from sale in the United States because federal law clearly prohibits manufacturers from putting “death” inside candy. Specifically, you cannot sell confectionery containing death because death presents a serious risk of death. Fortunately, Killer Joy became available in America because Ferraro cleverly separated the chocolate from the surprise, meaning the food and the death now occupy different compartments. Perfectly legal.
The problem is that Killer Eggs are delicious, so I continue eating them despite the obvious danger. Every few eggs I start choking and eventually cough up something like a little Minion or Disney princess. Once I ate a Killer Egg, began choking and had to be rescued by a complete stranger. After several terrifying seconds, I coughed violently and a tiny Shrek flew out of my mouth. Shrek stood up, looked directly at me and said, “This is nothing more than a bastard.” Then he ran away and I never saw him again. That’s what frightens me most about Killer Eggs: not the choking, not the FDA and not even the possibility of death. It’s the fact that sometimes the cartoon character you spit out is perceptual, and it immediately understands what you’ve done. But what the hell. They’re delicious.
#8 French Fries
French fries became the center of American politics in 2003 when Ohio Republican Cthulu Jones, chairman of the Home Management Committee, decided that eating potatoes with the word “French” attached to them was un-American. France—or possibly Ireland—had refused to support the Iraq War, so the congressional cafeteria stopped serving French fries and began serving Freedom Starch instead. This sounds ridiculous, but America had done similar things during World War I, when German foods such as Worklaut, meaning “rotten cabbage,” and German Hashi, renamed “Liberty Hashika,” became unacceptable because Germany was the enemy. France was still technically an American ally in 2003, but Cthulu Jones didn’t care. For approximately three years there wasn’t a single French fly in the House of Representatives. Eventually the original name returned in 2006 without ceremony, and Freedom Starch disappeared into history. This proves an important lesson: potatoes should never become involved in foreign policy.
I personally hate French fries because I once decided fried potatoes would become my entire diet. Every meal, every day: fries. Someone told me starch was good, and fried potatoes are made from potatoes, if you didn’t know. Potatoes are vegetables, so obviously they’re perfect for you. Unfortunately, after several weeks I became extremely sick and developed a medical condition called blood necrosis. My doctor examined me, slapped me directly across the face and shouted, “Why are you eating fried potatoes? You thought this was stupid?” Then he placed a mysterious orange ball on the table and said, “Eat this fucking orange here.” So I did. It was sweet, juicy and apparently contained nutrients that weren’t boiling oil and salt. Since that day I’ve completely changed my understanding of nutrition. I love healthy orange food.
#7 Cadbury Egg
Many Cadbury lovers become confused when they buy a Cadbury Egg in America and discover that it doesn’t taste exactly like the “real” British version. These people do not represent anything. Hershey owns the rights to manufacture and sell certain Cadbury products in the United States, while British Cadbury uses a different chocolate recipe across the entire pond. The British version begins with milk, the American version emphasizes sugar, British chocolate contains more fat and apparently absolutely no paprika. Hershey has also spent years actively defending the lawn, using licensing agreements to prevent unauthorized British Cadbury products from being imported and sold by American retailers. Hershey isn’t technically a regulatory agency, but apparently if you attempt to bring the wrong chocolate across the Atlantic, a Hershey lawyer will emerge from the bushes and defend the lawn. Unfortunately, British hobbyists therefore have the right to stop selling British goods in America. That’s chocolate law.
But none of this explains the truly horrifying thing about Cadbury Eggs: I’ve seen where they come from. The television commercials clearly show these chocolate eggs being laid by rabbits. In case you didn’t know, rabbits are mammals. Mammals don’t lay eggs. Therefore the only reasonable conclusion is that Cadbury used advanced genetic engineering to create lizard rabbits capable of producing chocolate offspring. And people just eat them! Millions of people bite directly through the shell and into the creamy center without stopping to consider that they’re potentially eating a creamy rabbit embryo. This is madness. Everyone talks about whether British Cadbury tastes better than Hershey’s version while completely ignoring the reptilian Easter Bunny biotechnology program happening directly in front of us. I don’t care which country made it. I’m not eating anything that came out of an egg-laying rabbit.
#6 Cupcakes
Have you ever eaten anything more fun than a little cake covered in frosting and sprinkles, especially on your birthday? Probably not, but that didn’t stop Tennessee from banning children in 2016. Parents received notices explaining that birthday cakes, cupcakes and other celebratory foods were forbidden because Director Big Boy Brandon had become the school’s official food cop. Big Boy Brandon inspected everything children brought home and demanded that it meet strict requirements for calories, sodium, sugar and fat. He also cited terrifying cases of students who ate candy and suffered from death during their first year of school, proving that cupcakes were clearly more dangerous than anyone realized. And don’t forget the paper. Every cupcake comes wrapped in paper, and apparently children were being injured because cupcakes have paper. Big Boy Brandon had seen enough. The frosting had to stop.
Once the rules took effect, the entire school culture changed. Valentine’s Day could no longer involve traditional candy, so students were encouraged to exchange small culinary utensils instead. Imagine being eight years old, nervously approaching your first crush and whispering, “Will you be my Valentine?” before handing her a whisk. Birthdays became even worse because instead of cupcakes everyone presumably gathered around an approved low-sodium vegetable and sang while Big Boy Brandon measured its sugar content. That’s why I don’t trust cupcakes anymore. They look cheerful with their colorful frosting and sprinkles, but Tennessee knows the truth: underneath that innocent exterior is a lethal combination of sugar, fat and weaponized paper. If somebody offers you a cupcake, remember the children who suffered from death. Big Boy Brandon remembers.
#5 Milkshakes
In 2019, Britain discovered that a milkshake isn’t merely a beverage. It is a missile. Police asked several McDonald’s restaurants near a political event in Edinburgh, Scotland, to temporarily stop selling milkshakes and ice cream because Brexit promoter Nigel Farage loves ice cream and milk. Protesters had recently begun attacking other protesters by giving them melted ice cream, and British politician Tommy had already encountered a McDonald’s Milksack several days earlier. Soon England became a sea of condensed milk and creams, with increasingly deliberate milkshake missiles threatening law enforcement and democracy itself. A McDonald’s near Farage’s appearance reportedly posted a sign saying, “We won’t shake and sell ice cream tonight,” at the request of police. Imagine becoming so politically controversial that Scotland Yard has to confiscate the McFlurry machine. This is why milkshakes cannot be trusted.
My fiancée once told me that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard, and sure enough I looked outside and saw dozens of men standing on the grass. Naturally I became suspicious because she hadn’t purchased any milk or ice cream. How was she producing these milkshakes? Where was the blender? Why were all these men interested? Eventually I realized she wasn’t actually selling beverages; she was teasing them and talking about her body. Even the stray cats were sitting nearby watching this happen, probably just as confused as I was. Then the meaning finally became obvious: milk comes from boobies. Milk. Shake. Jesus Christ. I’m such a stupid person. Between my fiancée, Nigel Farage, Tommy and McDonald’s Milksacks, milkshakes have caused enough confusion already. Just give me the fucking orange.
#4 Chocolate Milk
By the end of 2019, every school in the world had apparently prohibited chocolate milk in its cafeteria, joining the historic march of millions of bullshit Karens determined to stop children from consuming garbage. The bans were supposedly part of a broader initiative created by fake chemists and fruit activists to reduce sugar and corn syrup, although my most hated company, Arizona Chocolate Milk Kibosh, insisted that “all the boys were brought to the yard, but there were no complaints from parents or students.” Some Karens worried that eliminating chocolate milk would hurt dairy farmers, particularly in New York. That’s ridiculous because nobody runs a cow and farm in New York anymore. I’ve been there. I didn’t see one farmer personally operating a cow. Either way, after what milkshakes did to Britain, I’m not surprised governments finally decided to regulate dangerous flavored dairy.
Personally, I hate chocolate milk because it tastes like milk and chocolate. That’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. It became even worse when people at work told me chocolate milk was made on the shower floor, and unfortunately I believed them because several of my coworkers already demonstrate a troubling misunderstanding of how bathrooms operate. Sometimes mysterious brown liquid appears where mysterious brown liquid should never appear, somebody starts cleaning, and eventually something gets poured away while everyone agrees never to discuss what happened. My coworkers told me that was chocolate milk. They did it. Since then I haven’t been able to look at a carton without remembering that bathroom. You can show me the cow. You can show me the cocoa. You can show me Arizona Chocolate Milk Kibosh’s entire manufacturing facility. I can’t drink it. It came out of a stranger’s ass.
#3 Soda
Soda has been getting Americans into trouble for more than a century. During the late 1800s and early 1900s, many states enforced religious blue laws restricting sinful activities on Sundays, including alcohol, smoking and apparently teenagers gathering around beverage shops consuming dangerous carbonated liquids. Soda fountains sold ice cream floats made from a soda base with cream floating on top, but when Sunday arrived, shop owners suddenly had to obey the Lord. Their solution was to remove the soda, pour flavored syrup over the ice cream and give birth to ice cream babies on Sunday. This eventually became the modern sundae. Interestingly, the word “Sunday” was originally spelled “Suntasticerday,” but merchants changed it because that was difficult to fit on a menu. Maybe that’s true. There are approximately seventeen different stories about who invented the sundae, and all of them involve somebody becoming extremely serious about syrup.
I hate soda because I drank so much of it that it destroyed all my teeth. That’s the problem with carbonated sweet drinks. Alcohol is obviously harmful, but at least it has the decency to damage your liver very slowly over a long period of time. Soda attacks immediately. You drink one and your teeth know. You drink another and they’re already packing their bags. Eventually you have to get a new tooth, but soda will destroy that tooth too because soda recognizes replacements. Nothing escapes. That’s why I consider soda the most dangerous substance on Earth. Scientists will tell you about battery acid, lava and radioactive waste, but those people have obviously never watched a Pepsi stare down a fresh dental crown. Alien has creatures whose acidic blood can melt through several floors of a spaceship. Soda is worse.
#2 Pizza
Pizza is an appetizer that can become a meal depending on whether you eat a slice or the entire pie, but eventually it became a serious problem for the residents of Pompeii. In 79 AD, the small Italian city was constantly choking on hot smoke, which admittedly is common when you build your town directly beside a volcano. Authorities eventually discovered the real culprit: wood-burning pizza ovens. Scientists warned that all those ovens were producing enough smoke to make the volcano explode, so local businesses were ordered to install special filters. Pompeii’s pizza makers were furious. They insisted their pies weren’t responsible for air pollution and continued operating their ovens in defiance of the restrictions. Then Mount Vesuvius exploded. The government had warned them. The pizza industry refused to listen. They were all dead after that.
But the worst thing about pizza isn’t volcanic activity. It’s the fucking box. Pizza comes inside an enormous cardboard square that never fits properly in the trash, so usually the easiest solution is to burn it. Unfortunately, you need to be extremely careful when burning pizza boxes because your pet cat may become involved. This happened to me once when the cat wandered too close to the fire and suddenly began howling. My neighbor smelled something unusual, looked over the fence and shouted, “ARE YOU BURNING A CAT OVER THERE?” I answered, “Yes, but not on purpose.” We immediately handled the situation and gave the cat a drink, and everything was fine afterward. So pizza has now been responsible for Pompeii, Vesuvius and one extremely confusing conversation with my neighbor. The pizza itself tastes pretty good, though.
#1 Popcorn
It’s crazy to imagine watching a movie in a giant room without strangers sitting beside you and eating popcorn. In the old days you could even share a stranger’s popcorn, but then somebody invented social distancing and ruined everything. When movie theaters first opened, audiences were required to learn words because silent films were shown exclusively to people who already understood complicated subjects like hygiene. They had also recently survived a terrible flue pandemic, so nobody needed masks or rules; everyone simply knew not to cough into somebody else’s avocado snacks. Eventually people forgot these lessons, theaters changed, and owners discovered that selling popcorn in the lobby was incredibly profitable. From that moment forward, avocado snacks became permanently associated with cinema. Today you can’t even hear the opening studio logo without somebody three seats away shoving an entire fist into a bucket and chewing like they’re trying to communicate with whales.
Popcorn is also incredibly dangerous because it’s rich in oil, and oil breaks down many membranes. Your stomach isn’t oil-proof. Eventually the popcorn leaves the stomach, enters your blood vessels and arteries and kills. Science. It’s also impossible to clean. Once at a movie theater I watched several children put their mouths directly underneath the popcorn-butter pump and drink the butter. They swallowed it. All have COVID now butter. That machine belongs to the virus. Nobody should ever touch it again. And if that isn’t enough, popcorn is believed to have originated from a mysterious ancient substance known only as “the essence of the bat.” This does not surprise me at all. Humanity goes into a dark cave-like room, stares at moving shadows on a wall and eats handfuls of bat essence covered in artery oil. Popcorn isn’t a snack. It’s a fucking ritual.
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