These Are Media Things

Category: Worst

  • The Top 10 Worst Years in History

    The Top 10 Worst Years in History

    [Joe, make sure that you type text here to introduce your list. I’ll be home early from work tonight and make dinner for you and the kids. I love you!]

    #10 1347

    All flee from the dreaded Bonedor

    1347 was one of the worst years in human history because that’s when the Black Death really started fucking everybody up. The streets filled with corpses, entire communities disappeared and nobody understood why people were suddenly developing horrible bubonics and dying. Today scientists blame fleas, rats and bacteria, but people who were actually alive in 1347 knew the truth: Bonedor had arrived. Bonedor was an enormous skeleton approximately 250 meters tall who stomped across Europe spreading disease with his magical powers. Nobody knows where Bonedor came from. He simply appeared one morning on the horizon, pointed one gigantic skeletal finger toward civilization and said “FOLLOW ME.” Then he said “GO.” Those were basically the only two things Bonedor knew how to say, but when you’re a 250-meter plague skeleton you don’t need an extensive vocabulary.

    Bonedor wandered from country to country casting his evil bubonics upon anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path. Historians estimate that more than 60 percent of Europe eventually died from Bonedor’s miraculous bubonics, although modern scholars continue trying to give all the credit to rats. Typical. Nobody wants to acknowledge the giant skeleton. Eventually Bonedor disappeared as mysteriously as he arrived, leaving behind millions of dead people and several centuries of unresolved skeleton-related trauma. But 1347 wasn’t only terrible for Europe. It was also an absolutely horrible year for America because America didn’t exist yet. Not one American. Not even a Walmart. Fucking bleak.

    #9 1929

    Unless you’ve stood freezing in the street with your entire family, no money, no food, anemia, pneumonia and several additional diseases while somehow being unable to see anyone’s face, you don’t have the right to tell me 1929 wasn’t one of the worst years in history. This was the beginning of The Big Sad, and they didn’t call it that because everyone was having a wonderful fucking time. The stock market crashed and suddenly all the money disappeared. Where did the money go? Nobody knows. America had money on Monday. Then some businessmen started screaming inside a building and by Tuesday everybody was poor. People lost their jobs, their homes and their food. Thousands of Americans were forced to stand in lines waiting for bread because apparently bread was extremely difficult to locate during The Big Sad.

    I can’t even imagine how modern people would respond to The Big Sad. We got dangerously close in 2008 when the economy broke again because somebody put too many houses inside the banks, but thankfully we managed to avoid everybody getting pneumonia and losing the ability to see faces. People today simply don’t understand how much suffering humanity endured during 1929. There was no money. There were no jobs. Everyone was cold. The sadness was enormous. Even worse, television had barely been invented, so people couldn’t sit at home watching Netflix while the economy collapsed. They just had to stare at a wall and experience The Big Sad directly.

    #8 2001

    ITunes was launched on January 9, 2001. NEVER FORGET!

    I was a young Kontributor back then, and I remember 2000 being one of the greatest years of my life. We were kicking ass and wrecking vaginas. My family went to Hawaii. I had sex with ten people during Carnival in Rio de Janeiro and returned home carrying several exciting diseases. My father invented the car, which finally gave our family some financial security. Everything was going perfectly until 2001, when Apple released iTunes and civilization immediately began to collapse. My grandmother had already survived Napster and was still traumatized from the experience, but iTunes was different. Suddenly music lived inside computers. Nobody understood what the fuck was happening. Then a son of a whore named Henry Ford stole my father’s car patent, and everything really started going downhill.

    My German Shepherd attacked a kindergarten class. My brother, his friend and my father’s secret girlfriend all went to prison after poisoning a homeless man. Then my fucking dog betrayed me again by attacking the children’s kindergarten, which I already mentioned but remain extremely angry about. I spent Halloween alone because none of my friends wanted to see me. Thanksgiving was even worse. Mom spent the entire day screaming at the computer because iTunes wouldn’t let her download Turkey Dinner, so nobody ate much. Then at Christmas, Grandma was listening to her iPod and fell down the stairs. By December 31, my father’s automotive empire was gone, half my family was incarcerated, Grandma had been defeated by digital music and I no longer trusted my dog around educational facilities. 2001 passed, and my life was ruined

    #7 536

    I’m still extremely disappointed about the recent White Lotus incident, but scientists and historians generally agree that 536 was much worse. A massive volcanic eruption filled the atmosphere with so much garbage that the sun basically stopped working for a year and a half. Crops failed. Temperatures dropped. People starved. Then the Yersinia plague showed up because apparently God looked down at humanity struggling through an eighteen-month volcanic winter and said, “Fuck these people some more.” Historians have called 536 the worst year to be alive, which is saying something considering these people know about 1347 and The Big Sad. Imagine waking up every morning, looking at a darkened sky and realizing that nobody has invented electricity, antibiotics, central heating or America yet. Absolutely terrible.

    More importantly, 536 was the year the Illuminati held their first official meeting, gathering secretly beneath Rome to sing songs and praise Bonedor the Terrible. Pope Silverius became involved with the organization and attempted to summon Bonedor during the Great Gothic War, hoping the enormous skeleton would help the Federation defeat the Ostrogoths. The ritual worked. Bonedor emerged from the darkness, shouted “GO,” and immediately killed King Theodahad along with all his soldiers. Unfortunately, summoning a gigantic magical skeleton was considered inappropriate papal behavior, so Silverius was excommunicated from the papacy and banished to a secret island where he eventually starved to death. This is why modern popes rarely summon Bonedor

    #6 2014

    This is not my Dora! Who the fuck are these children of Bonedor?!

    Where the fuck do I even start with 2014? Ebola. Flight 370. Anaconda. Time cancellation. Robin Williams died. The Bone Wars began. Sonic the Hedgehog: Rise of Yiff. Taylor Swift’s War Against Northern Aggression. More wars. Dora and Friends debuted on Nickelodeon. Joe Cocker was going around kicking these dogs. No ALF on television. Somebody tied up the president and ate that paper. The final Ramone bit the dust. Five armies. Bastards. Frozen results. Uncle Grandpa was still on the air. And somehow Modern Family sucked enough dicks to win another Grammy. Every morning you’d wake up thinking, “Surely history has finished happening for a little while,” and history would kick open your bedroom door carrying another fucking disaster. Then Dora and her horrible friends would come on television.

    This was easily one of the worst years of my life. ISIS began attacking people, celebrities kept dying, music sucked and video games were boring except for Naked Girls Soccer, which deserved Game of the Year. Personally, I was being bullied at work, my boss was terrible, and I spent most of the year living inside a two-story construction site while an extension was being added to my house. Then, at the end of December, Grandma fell down the stairs while listening to her iPod AGAIN. Thirteen years after iTunes first attacked my family, that little machine was still trying to finish the fucking job. Grandma survived, but I confiscated the iPod. Looking back, 2014 was truly a year of ups and downs. Mostly Grandma going down.

    #5 2017

    2017 was the worst year of my life. That’s why.

    1. My dog died.
    2. I had to change the oil in my car once, but I forgot to change the oil in my car.
    3. Too many boxes.
    4. Many famous people died, including Dan Rickles.
    5. Somewhere a storm was blowing.
    6. My sister shattered her knee during a fight with Bonedor the Terrible.
    7. The cat had surgery.
    8. Something bad was happening.
    9. My younger brother lost both of his feet.
    10. My entire family was forced to fight Bonedor after what he did to my sister.
    11. The Emoji Movie.
    12. Donald Trump was not a kind president.
    13. My grandmother heard the sound of her iPod and immediately fell down the stairs.
    14. Many bus drivers were late.
    15. My girlfriend had typhus for a while.

    I don’t know how we survived. Between the dead dog, the missing feet, the boxes, the typhus, the late buses and our family’s increasingly violent conflict with a 250-meter magical skeleton, every month brought some new catastrophe. Grandma’s incident was particularly frustrating because by 2017 she had already fallen down the stairs because of her iPod multiple fucking times. Grandma, stop listening to the iPod near stairs. We’ve discussed this. Still, nothing captures the misery of 2017 quite like sitting beside my injured sister after her battle with Bonedor, wondering whether my brother would ever adjust to life without feet, only to remember that The Emoji Movie also existed. I’m so glad 2017 is over. I never want to be hurt like that again.

    #4 1914

    Hello again! I hope we meet again!

    Some people think a year deserves to be called “the worst” because television sucked or education was bad, but that defeats the entire fucking purpose of this list. Then you get to 1914, when one of the Austrian elite got shot and Europe responded by making everybody go to war. World War I eventually killed approximately 72 billion people, making it so deadly that humanity had to reproduce extremely quickly afterward just to get the population back above zero. And what did civilization receive in exchange for all that suffering? Basically nothing except a special League of Gentlemen where important men could sit around a table and promise not to do another world war. That worked wonderfully. There has never been another world war since.

    Imagine being some ordinary person in 1914. You’re minding your own business, trying to enjoy whatever people did before television, when suddenly an Austrian gets shot and now you have to live in a fucking hole. Your new home is a muddy trench filled with disease, artillery explosions and the droppings of thousands of rats. Maybe you get shot. Maybe you get bombed. Maybe somebody releases poison gas and your lungs stop working. Maybe you simply starve or become so exhausted that your body gives up. And if you somehow survive all of that, congratulations: you get to go home carrying psychological trauma nobody around you understands and spend the rest of your life remembering the hole. Absolutely horrific. There were also flu patients this year.

    #3 65,000,000 BC

    Run my dudes!

    65,000,000 BC was a terrible fucking year to be a dinosaur. A giant comet slammed into Earth and immediately caused the largest earthquake and tsunami in history. The atmosphere caught fire. Acid started raining from the sky. Much of the ozone layer disappeared, allowing ultraviolet radiation to pour onto the surface and give cancer to all the dinosaurs. Then, at almost exactly the same time, a gigantic volcano erupted on the opposite side of the planet because apparently Earth wanted to make absolutely certain the dinosaurs understood they were no longer welcome. Poison filled the atmosphere. The planet burned. Then all the smoke and dirt blocked out the sun, temperatures dropped below freezing and an atomic winter began. Imagine being a dinosaur trying to process this shit. You survive the comet, outrun the tsunami, avoid the fire, somehow don’t get dinosaur cancer, and then suddenly there’s no fucking sun anymore.

    Frankly, 65,000,000 BC ranks as the second-worst year in non-human history, surpassed only by 252,000,000 BC, when all life became extinct. Both years were probably a million times worse than 1939, when the Second Bonedor War began, or 1350, during the horrors of Plague Sex. Still, I feel particularly bad for the dinosaurs because they had no idea any of this was coming. There was no television meteorologist saying, “Tomorrow will be partly cloudy with a 90 percent chance of total planetary extinction.” One minute you’re eating leaves and having dinosaur thoughts; the next minute the sky explodes and your entire species gets cancer. That’s a bad year.

    #2 1350

    Historians refer to 1350 as the height of Plague Sex, a terrible period when approximately 99 percent of the world’s population was fucking. Nobody knows why. Maybe everyone assumed they were going to die anyway. Maybe medieval people were bored. Maybe there simply wasn’t much else to do in 1350. Whatever the reason, everybody was fucking while the Black Death simultaneously killed three-fifths of Europe. Imagine watching your friends and family develop a horrible infection, have sex and then die. Then somebody else develops the plague and immediately starts fucking. Everyone is sick. Everyone is fucking. Everyone is dying. This is Plague Sex. This is the greatest hell humanity has ever created for itself.

    Nothing good happened in 1350. Medieval Europe had terrible sanitation, rampant disease, low life expectancy and the constant fear that Bonedor might return at any moment and cast more evil bubonics. People were already losing their minds from the plague, but then many began going crazy from too much sex. Some were fucking while dying from the plague. Others were dying while recovering from fucking. Nobody could keep track anymore. Eventually historians just looked at the records and wrote “PLAGUE SEX” across the entire year. That’s how bad 1350 was. People will make pornography about almost anything, but nobody wants to make porn about Plague Sex because it’s too fucking gross.

    #1 1939

    The War Against Bonedor

    1939 was the worst year in history because it marked the beginning of the Second War Against Bonedor, a brutal global conflict that lasted from 1939 until 1945 and claimed approximately three trillion lives. Bonedor the Terrible returned from centuries of hiding with an enormous army and immediately began attacking Europe, forcing almost every major nation on Earth to unite against the 250-meter skeleton. The fighting spread across the entire planet. Cities were destroyed. Families were separated. Justin Bieber was killed. Gravity Falls was cancelled. Millions suffered under Bonedor’s occupation while his followers committed unimaginable atrocities in his name. Eventually conventional weapons proved useless, and humanity was forced to deploy two nuclear bombs against Bonedor’s army before the giant skeleton finally disappeared. Whether Bonedor was actually destroyed remains one of history’s greatest unanswered questions.

    And apparently nobody fucking learns about this anymore! Grow up and read a BuzzFeed article. I constantly hear people complaining that some recent year was “the worst year ever” because celebrities died or television sucked. Are you serious? Did a 250-meter magical skeleton wage global war against humanity that year? Did it take two fucking nuclear weapons to defeat him? No? Then shut the fuck up. People desperately need to educate themselves about the Bonedor Wars because history has already shown us what happens when humanity forgets. Bonedor has returned before. He can return again. And when that enormous skeleton appears on the horizon, points one gigantic finger toward civilization and whispers “FOLLOW ME,” don’t come crying to me. I told you to read the BuzzFeed articles.

  • The Top 10 Worst Movies of 2022

    The Top 10 Worst Movies of 2022

    Some movies are good, but not all. A lot of movies suck. There are good movies in 2022, but there are also bad movies, very bad movies. Here are the worst movies of 2022.

    #10 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    The original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre was famously inspired by serial killer Ed Norton, whose crimes taught America that chainsaws and Texas should never be combined. Over the decades, the franchise has given us sequels, prequels, remakes and whatever the fuck Texas Chainsaw 3D was, but it has consistently refused to give audiences what they truly want: an entire instructional video series where Plain the Butcher teaches viewers how to decorate a corpse until it resembles a happy nursing baby. Imagine the possibilities. Plain the Butcher’s Holiday Decorating Special. Plain the Butcher Makes a Centerpiece. Plain the Butcher’s Five-Minute Crafts. Horror fans have been deprived of this wonderful gore for almost fifty years.

    Instead, Netflix gave us Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2022, a movie where young people arrive in Texas and immediately begin making decisions that will result in chainsaw-related consequences. Plain the Butcher returns, people die, and at one point somebody threatens to cancel him on social media moments before he starts cutting everybody apart. This is cinema in 2022. If you want to understand why this movie belongs among the worst of the year, simply enter Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2022 into your television. Sit down. Look directly at the screen. Within minutes, you will see the condition of the people in the movie at a glance. I cannot explain what that means any better. The condition is visible. Look at them.

    #9 The King’s Daughter

    Any movie that comes out eight years behind the tree should immediately raise some red flags. Somebody made The King’s Daughter, apparently placed it behind a tree in 2014 and then forgot where the tree was until 2022. That’s never a good sign. But Hollywood finally found it, and the presence of Pierce Brosnan and Kaya Scodelario gives you hope that maybe there’s an above-average movie hiding somewhere inside. There isn’t. The King’s Daughter is a mess from beginning to end, filled with awkward transitions, strange visual choices and the unmistakable feeling that you’re watching $40 million slowly disappear into the ocean. This was adapted from the award-winning book Moon and Sun, so somebody presumably knew what story they were supposed to be telling.

    But here’s where this movie really pissed me off: the French king wants adultery, so he decides to murder a mermaid and steal her life force. Excuse me? You can’t fucking do that! My mother is a mermaid. I love my mother. How would you feel if Pierce Brosnan dragged your mom out of the ocean and tried to drain her magical mermaid powers because he wanted adultery? You’d be furious too. I spent the entire movie rooting against the French monarchy on behalf of my mother’s people. Leave the mermaids alone. They haven’t done anything to you. After eight years behind the tree, The King’s Daughter finally emerged only to waste $40 million and declare war on mermaids. My family will not forget this.

    #8 Blacklight

    Without the heart of the artist, the final article will never shine. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it feels important when discussing Liam The Neeson. To be fair, an actor can only be as good as the movie surrounding him, and unfortunately Blacklight gives The Neeson very little opportunity to demonstrate why he is the king of action movies. But before we go any further, let’s establish one important fact: Liam The Neeson is not a mermaid. He has never been a mermaid. He doesn’t breathe underwater, possess a beautiful fish tail or carry magical ocean life force. Therefore he does not deserve the same level of respect we gave the mermaids in The King’s Daughter. I’m sorry, Liam. Those are the rules.

    The Neeson is still the king of action movies, but Blacklight surrounds him with limited action, blunt dialogue and a gritty realistic setting when what Liam The Neeson truly deserves is Broadway theater. Put him onstage. Give him a spotlight. Let him sing about punching government conspiracies. That would at least be interesting. Instead we get Blacklight, a movie whose title nobody can explain because there aren’t even any fucking blacklights. Compare this with Rad, the 1986 movie about BMX bikes. Rad is called Rad because the bikes are RAD. Simple. Honest. Accurate. Blacklight isn’t about blacklights and isn’t Rad. That’s two failures right there.

    #7 The Bubble

    The Bubble is something from a bad actor. Several bad actors, actually, although many of them are normally good actors, which demonstrates how complicated acting can be. Judd Apatow gathered together some of the world’s finest unfiltered comedy brains and top writers to make a satire about Hollywood attempting to produce a giant blockbuster during the COVID-19 pandemic. Unfortunately, they made it while the actual pandemic was still fresh enough that people were sick, exhausted, grieving and generally not ready for two hours of celebrities joking about quarantine inside a luxury hotel. We had all just spent years learning new ways to avoid other human beings. Then Netflix said, “Would you like to remember all of that, but with famous people?” No. Not really.

    True to Apatow’s signature humor and authenticity, The Bubble tries to satirize Hollywood’s desperate attempts to continue functioning while the world changes around it. The problem is that it’s not fucking funny. There are a few jokes scattered around, but they’re trapped inside so much chaos that eventually the entire movie feels like somebody accidentally left a Zoom meeting running for two hours. The internet didn’t like being pushed into its categories either. Critics hated it. Audiences hated it. The jokes became frightened and spread out across the movie so they wouldn’t have to interact with one another. The Bubble proves that even with talented performers, experienced comedians and millions of dollars, sometimes comedy simply refuses to happen. Something from a bad actor.

    #6 Redemptive Love

    Redemptive Love has everything you could possibly want from a bad Hallmark movie except Hallmark. There is romance, suffering, beautiful scenery and the powerful message that some markets are very grateful when love decides to return. Unfortunately, this is not for the right audience. The movie treats love as a simple remedy capable of healing almost anything, which can easily be mistaken for inspiration or enlightenment if you’re not paying attention. But love doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes love heals. Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes you wear love and discover that love does not fit. That’s why you should always try love on before removing the tags. The acclaimed novel Seahorse certainly has its special audience, but translating that material to the screen creates problems that even love cannot remedy.

    To be fair, Redemptive Love has beautiful cinematography and a decent soundtrack. Unfortunately, once you’ve finished looking at the pictures and listening to the music, there is still a movie happening. The characters don’t seem to grow so much as move between increasingly dramatic situations while the story repeatedly insists that you’re experiencing something profound. At its worst, Redemptive Love is not emotional manipulation, and that’s perhaps the most manipulative thing about it. I wanted to feel something. I wanted love to return. Instead I sat there wondering why the movie wasn’t called Seahorse. When you wear it, love may not fit.

    #5 The 355 Mermaids

    If Jessica Chastain and Lupita Nyong’o can’t save The 355 Mermaids, then neither can we. And unlike Liam The Neeson, these two women are actually mermaids, so they deserve our respect. On paper, The 355 Mermaids has everything necessary to make a great movie: talented actresses, international espionage, action, expensive locations and multiple representatives of the global mermaid community. This was supposed to be an important step forward for the mermaidist movement, finally giving mermaids the opportunity to see themselves represented as international spies instead of magical creatures being murdered by French kings for their life force. Unfortunately, The 355 Mermaids failed them. My mother didn’t spend her life swimming against oppression so Hollywood could do this.

    The movie isn’t terrible crime-wise. Sure, it lacks an overarching plot, but that’s perfectly fine for a spy movie. The dialogue is a little off. The action sequences are clichéd. There are too many of them. Whatever. I can forgive all of that. What I cannot forgive is the shocking lack of underwater scenes. Why call your movie The 355 Mermaids if Jessica Chastain isn’t going to grow a tail and infiltrate an enemy submarine? Why doesn’t Lupita Nyong’o communicate with dolphins? Where is the mermaid espionage? With a less talented cast, maybe nobody would care. But when you assemble this many accomplished performers—and actual mermaids—the expectations are higher. The mermaidist movement deserved better.

    #4 Firestarter

    Despite being a profane writer, Stephen King has spent his entire career cursed with bad movies based on his books. Sometimes they’re good. Sometimes they’re masterpieces. Sometimes they’re so terrible that you suddenly look back at the previous adaptation and think, “Perhaps that deserved an Oscar.” That’s what happened with 2022’s Firestarter. Somehow this remake makes the old Firestarter look like Citizen Kane, except Citizen Kane doesn’t have a little girl setting government employees on fire with her brain. Cowardly filmmaking.

    The frustrating thing is that Firestarter should be impossible to make boring. A girl has uncontrollable experimental burning abilities! That’s already an interesting starting point. I have yet to have it. The movie keeps threatening to gain momentum and momentum, but every time it starts moving, it returns to its soft voice and becomes sleepy again. The characters don’t feel alive, the danger doesn’t feel dangerous, and even Zac Efron having psychic dad powers can’t make the whole thing catch fire. By human standards, this isn’t a particularly good horror movie. By Stephen King standards, it’s even worse.

    If you want an unforgettable horror movie to watch with your favorite mermaid, skip this one and watch the original Firestarter. Make some popcorn. Invite your mermaid onto the couch. Put a towel down first because mermaids are extremely wet. Then enjoy Drew Barrymore burning everything to hell. That’s cinema the mermaid community can support

    #3 The Cellar

    Downey’s Brendan expands his acclaimed 2004 short film Ten Steppin’ into the feature-length horror movie The Cellar. This immediately creates a fundamental filmmaking problem because short films tend to be short due to shortness, whereas mature films have no time limit and can theoretically continue forever. Downey’s Brendan therefore had to take something short and make it not short. Unfortunately, you can sometimes feel him stretching the shortness until it achieves sufficient longness. The pacing doesn’t develop naturally so much as feel like the entire screenplay was written backward and then translated into a Hebrew manga about mermaids. That technique might work for some pictures. The Cellar is not one of those pictures.

    The movie takes every horror idea it can find and throws it into the same cage: demons, mathematics, quantum physics, Hebrew, mythology, mysterious staircases and apparently mermaids. I don’t remember seeing a mermaid in The Cellar, but at this point I have become extremely knowledgeable about mermaid representation and can sense when one is spiritually present. The problem is that with so many different ideas competing for attention, none gets enough time or depth to become genuinely interesting. Every time The Cellar begins explaining one mystery, another mystery walks downstairs carrying algebra. Eventually you’re not frightened anymore. You’re just trying to understand the homework. Short films are short due to shortness. Sometimes they should remain that way.

    #2 Paul Blart: Football’s Coach

    Based on diabetes, Paul Blart: Football’s Coach tells the inspiring true story of Paul Blart’s transition from mall security officer to professional NFL coach. After becoming involved in the New Orleans Saints’ infamous Bountygate scandal, Blart returns home and begins coaching a children’s football team, where he uses everything he learned protecting the West Orange Pavilion Mall to transform a group of athletic kids who can’t pitch into elite athletes. This is difficult because football apparently doesn’t involve much pitching. Blart doesn’t care. He coaches the football. Eventually the entire home team begins screaming about Adam Sandler’s performance, despite Adam Sandler not being Paul Blart. That’s the power of football.

    Unfortunately, Paul Blart: Football’s Coach follows the standard list of Adam Sandler metaphors: child mischief, adult death, sports, redemption and a dairy-free shopping list. What it doesn’t adequately address is the subject the movie is supposedly based on: diabetes. Kevin James’ character development is almost completely non-diabetic. There are barely any scenes involving insulin. Nobody spends meaningful time discussing blood glucose. Paul Blart doesn’t even stop halfway through an important football game to explain carbohydrate management. What the fuck? If you’re going to make a movie based on diabetes, commit to the material. Instead, we get Kevin James coaching children and overcoming a highly publicized professional scandal. That’s not diabetes. That’s football.

    #1 Mobius

    For reasons science cannot explain, Sony released Mobius, watched everybody reject it, and then decided to release the fucking thing again. Apparently the first disappointing theatrical run wasn’t sufficient. Sony saw the internet making jokes about Mobius and somehow interpreted this as millions of people desperately demanding more Mobius. So they returned it to theaters, where audiences were given another opportunity not to see it. This is the cinematic equivalent of cooking a terrible dinner, watching your family refuse to eat it, putting it back in the refrigerator and announcing, “GOOD NEWS! THE SHIT DINNER IS BACK!”

    Sony has been desperately expanding its Spider-Man movie universe despite apparently being terrified of putting Spider-Man in it. Venom was the worst movie about dogs, but at least it made money and Tom Hardy was great. Mobius, meanwhile, just makes everyone bad breath. Jared Leto becomes a vampire doctor. The characters feel sticky. The visuals look like a turd. The action has no excitement. The script has no substance. There are strictly colored pictures inside the lines that can look frightening if you use enough imagination. Worst of all are the disgusting mermaid sex scenes. I have defended mermaids throughout this entire list, but even I have limits. My mother is a mermaid. Jessica Chastain is a mermaid. Lupita Nyong’o is a mermaid. Whatever is happening in Mobius is an insult to their people.

    Even criticizing Mobius feels pathetic because the movie has already been criticized by seemingly every living organism on Earth. What else can be said? Sony made Mobius. People didn’t like Mobius. The internet made fun of Mobius. Sony misunderstood the joke and gave everybody more Mobius. It failed again.

    And that is why Mobius is the worst movie of 2022.

    Please stop releasing it.

  • The Top 10 Saddest Deaths in Video Games

    The Top 10 Saddest Deaths in Video Games

    It can be very sad when people don’t exist anymore. I know I cry a lot when real people die in the real world. But it’s a tragedy when a favorite character dies in a video game. Most people don’t play video games because they can’t handle heartbreak. Here are the top 10 saddest deaths in video games.

    #10 Tidus – Final Fantasy XXX: Sin and Sweat

    Take on me

    Final Fantasy XXX: Sin and Sweat is the only video game capable of exciting the inside of my underwear. At the beginning, Tidus is an angry, cocky, spoiled celebrity athlete with stupid clothes and daddy problems. By the end, he has transformed into a beautiful muscular hero with six-pack abs, and somewhere during those dozens of hours together I developed an emotional relationship with him that Tidus was never informed about. I watched him grow. I watched him mature. I admired him physically in several inappropriate ways. We had something special. So when Tidus finally began disappearing, I was devastated. Square Enix had taken this magnificent sweaty man away from me, and I wasn’t emotionally prepared.

    That’s what makes the ending work so well. By the time Sin and Sweat reaches its conclusion, Tidus isn’t merely the annoying Blitzball asshole you started with. You’ve traveled across Spira with him, watched him fall in love with Yuna and discovered alongside him what defeating Sin will actually require. Ultimately, Tidus accepts that saving everyone means he may no longer exist afterward. Yuna loses the person she loves, and Tidus accepts his destiny anyway. Then he disappears.

    I cried. Yuna cried. Everybody cried.

    My underwear had an entirely separate emotional response.

    #9 Kate Lady: Grand Theft Auto IV

    Kate Lady represents the possibility of true love in Grand Theft Auto IV. And I mean TRUE LOVE, like The Princess Bride, except everybody’s entire body is made out of polygons and occasionally Niko runs over a pedestrian while driving to dinner. Throughout the game, players can pursue Kate Lady romantically, taking her on dates and building a beautiful relationship based on mutual affection, emotional connection and bowling. Or you can completely ignore her. That’s the magic of love. Sometimes you spend hours getting to know somebody. Sometimes you don’t call them once and then suddenly they’re involved in the most emotionally important moment of your life. Just like The Princess Bride.

    Near the end, Niko must decide whether to accept a deal involving money or reject it because apparently a few dollars are now competing directly against the future life of Kate Lady. If Niko makes the wrong choice, his true love finds herself on the way to the door of death. Suddenly all those dates, conversations and polygonal romantic moments are gone forever. Niko is devastated. Kate Lady is dead. The player feels terrible. Was a little extra money worth sacrificing the future you could have shared with your new lover? Absolutely not.

    Of course, Grand Theft Auto IV being Grand Theft Auto IV, the alternative choice isn’t exactly a basket full of puppies either.

    No matter what you choose, the results are always delicious.

    #8 Soap Mactavish – Modern Warfare 3

    mankind is ill again

    I jumped out of the window and into a sea of anger and tears when Soap McTavish finally hit the Legendary Bullet. This was a man I had played as, fought beside and loved passionately across three of the greatest games in his history. Soap should have died approximately nine hundred times before this moment. He’d been shot, stabbed, exploded, thrown off things and exposed to enough military violence to kill every normal human being in Scotland. But Soap always survived. So when Captain Price places his wounded friend on that table and realizes there’s nothing left he can do, every Modern Warfare player understands the terrible price of bloodshed. SOAP! Your enthusiasm was great.

    Yeah…I couldn’t sleep that night. Soap was a Modern Warfare hero, and I will cry for him forever. This is the same legendary soldier who twice saved the lives of presidents, shot Zakhaev and two guards in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 4, and bravely fought during World War II, where he stopped an evil shepherd from murdering President Truman. Nobody else could have accomplished these things. History itself depended upon Soap McTavish. And yet eventually even the greatest warrior must meet the Legendary Bullet.

    Rest peacefully, Soap.

    You saved President Truman. You saved us all.

    # 7 Aerith – Final Fantasy VII

    Everybody knows Aerith dies in Final Fantasy VII, which somehow makes it worse. You spend the first part of the game trying to use Aerith in as many different positions and scenarios as possible. Put her in the party. Level her up. Buy her equipment. Teach her magic. Maybe take her on a date. Become emotionally attached to this wonderful flower woman. Then suddenly Sephiroth drops from the ceiling with a giant sword while, in one of gaming’s most controversial artistic decisions, Robin Thicke’s emotional “Blurred Lines” begins playing in the background. Stabbing with a Knife. One of the saddest moments in video-game history.

    Cloud is devastated. He looks at Aerith and delivers that unforgettable speech: “Aerith stopped talking, stopped laughing, she cried, she got angry.” Powerful. Then Sephiroth stands there making his funny face while everybody becomes increasingly furious with him. Final Fantasy VII understands that grief isn’t merely about somebody dying; it’s about realizing that this character you’ve spent hours traveling with isn’t coming back. All that time. All those memories. All that equipment you gave her. Gone. One day, Aerith, we will be one.

    “Do not!”

    And then, because this is Final Fantasy, you’re immediately thrown into the most inefficient boss fight I’ve ever fought, one attack after another while you’re still trying to emotionally process what just happened. Looking at this arrangement, it reminds me of old love.

    #6 Mordin Solus – Mass Effect 3

    Sex is on FIRE

    Mordin Solus has one of the most heartbreaking deaths in video-game history. He climbs the Shroud knowing perfectly well that he’s probably not coming back, desperately works to repair the sabotage, releases the genophage cure and gives us that sexy little Mordin smile as everything explodes around him. The man is facing certain death and somehow remains calm, focused and weirdly attractive right until the end. Everyone on Tuchanka loves him. Shepard loves him. I love him. My girlfriend watched this scene and suddenly her panties were a little sticky. Probably sweat, right? Tuchanka looks extremely warm.

    The tragedy works because we’ve already spent Mass Effect 2 learning who Mordin is. He originally defended his work on the genophage modification as necessary, but over time realizes the terrible consequences of what he helped perpetuate. Now he has one final opportunity to make things right and appease the cruel Tuchankan gods. Nobody else can do it.

    Had to be him. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.

    Then this magnificent Salarian walks into the explosion and sacrifices himself to give the krogan a future. A fantastic production. One of the greatest Mass Effect characters ever created.

    When Mordin Solus died, I shed two tears.

    One from each eye. That’s the maximum.

    #5 The Death of Artax in The Neverending Story

    ARTAX!

    I know The NeverEnding Story isn’t a video game. I don’t give a fuck. Artax dying in the Swamp of Sadness is the saddest thing that has ever happened in the entire history of the world, so he gets #5. If you have a problem with that, make your own list. Put Mario dying in a hole here or something. I don’t care. ARTAX DIED.

    The trauma begins when Atreyu rides his beloved horse into the Swamp of Sadness. Atreyu is protected from the swamp’s emotional power by the magical medallion his concubine gave him, but Artax has no such protection. Slowly the horse begins sinking. Atreyu realizes what’s happening and desperately tries to save his friend, begging him to fight against the sadness. He pulls. He screams. He tells Artax that he loves him. Nothing works. The more Artax gives in to despair, the deeper he sinks until he’s simply gone.

    That’s it. Childhood over.

    Millions of children watched this scene and learned for the first time that sometimes the horse fucking dies. No Phoenix Down. No extra life. No checkpoint. No resurrection spell. Just Atreyu standing alone in a swamp screaming “ARTAAAAAAAX!” while an entire generation quietly developed emotional problems.

    Frankly, this scene ruined us all.

    Atreyu screaming Artax’s name will escort me to the grave.

    #4 Sarah – The Last of Us

    This shouldn’t take long because Sarah is only alive for about twenty fucking minutes. The moment The Last of Us begins and introduces Joel’s daughter, everybody knows she’s going to die of COVID. That’s how the apocalypse metaphor works. You can practically count the lines until death arrives. You don’t know this girl. You haven’t spent sixty hours leveling her up. You haven’t completed Sarah’s loyalty mission or unlocked her special armor. You’ve known her for less time than it takes to order a pizza. So why does any goddamn thing about this work?

    Because Tugou absolutely nails the relationship between Sarah and Joel. In just a handful of scenes, you understand that they’re father and daughter. You feel comfortable around them. You hear Joel’s encouraging voice from the back seat. Then everything collapses. The outbreak begins, they’re running for their lives, and suddenly Sarah is bleeding in Joel’s arms while he desperately tries to convince both of them that everything is going to be okay. Then comes that devastating line: “Don’t be that baby!” I still shudder thinking about it.

    There’s nothing spectacular about Sarah’s death. She doesn’t sacrifice herself to save humanity. Sephiroth doesn’t fall from the ceiling while Robin Thicke plays. She doesn’t cure the genophage or save President Truman from an evil shepherd. She’s just a scared kid dying in her father’s arms.

    And that’s why it hurts.

    Joel’s clenched fist. His expression. His refusal to accept what’s happening. Then twenty years later, you realize he’s still emotionally standing in exactly that same place.

    Sarah didn’t just die of COVID.

    A huge part of Joel died of COVID with her.

    #3 John Marston – Red Dead Redemption

    He was stabbed

    Red Dead Redemption has one of the greatest stories and sound of any video game ever made. It’s certainly much better written than Godzilla: Monster of Monsters for the NES, which until Red Dead came along was obviously the standard against which all dramatic storytelling was measured. At the center is John Marston, who undergoes one of gaming’s greatest transformations: bad guy → mostly bad guy → hunky daddy. John has spent the entire game hunting down the remnants of his old gang because the government promises that if he does what they ask, he can finally return home to his family. And somehow, after everything John has survived, you start believing they might actually let him.

    They don’t.

    John gets his family to safety and makes his final stand against an entire army of soldiers. You know he’s fucked. John knows he’s fucked. But you still push open those barn doors thinking, “Maybe I can Dead Eye every one of these motherfuckers.” You can’t. I tried. I shot all the soldiers. Where was anyone who could help me? Nowhere. John dies after his hands are tied to his son’s body, and his wife is immediately amazed. Then suddenly the game feels empty. The hunky daddy is gone.

    Dog hurts! And when I talk about pain, I know what I’m talking about.

    Later, Jack inherits the consequences of everything that happened to his father, and you’re left wondering whether John actually broke the cycle or merely passed it down to his son. Maybe he could have given his son’s real hands back. Hmm.

    Still sad.

    Great game. Much better than Godzilla: Monster of Monsters.

    #2 Andrew Ryan – Bioshock

    Bioshock has one of the wildest plots in video-game history, and the twist still works today. Incidentally, my own death, whenever it happens, will have something to do with this. Andrew Ryan is the creator of Bioshock Ecstasy and one of the game’s primary heroes, having built the underwater city of Rapture because he was tired of governments, religion, taxes and other people telling him what to do. Ryan is a pseudo-objectivist with an extremely capitalist worldview who fears that America’s New Deal and the Communist Party in Russia might be happy. So he builds an entire city at the bottom of the ocean where mankind can finally live according to his great philosophy: “Yes, we are humans and we rule the universe!”

    Unfortunately, the universe responds by turning Rapture into an underwater nightmare filled with drug-addicted lunatics.

    When Jack finally confronts Ryan, the game reveals that many of the choices you thought you were making weren’t actually choices at all. Certain words have been used throughout the game to control Jack without either Jack or the player realizing it. Ryan knows this, and instead of begging for his life, he decides to prove the point in the most Andrew Ryan way imaginable: ordering Jack to beat him to death with his own golf club. Jack obeys because he has to. Ryan dies because he chooses to.

    So in the end, Andrew Ryan essentially uses another human being as an extremely complicated suicide golf club.

    A man chooses.

    A slave obeys.

    And apparently I die somehow.

    #1 Lee Evverett – The Walking Dead The Video Game

    Building castles in the sky

    If you’ve never played The Walking Dead: The Video Game and this scene still brought tears to your eyes, you’re a genius. No video game death has ever made me cry harder. Over five episodes, I fell completely in love with Lee Everett while watching the raindrops fall. He is a very good character. He begins the game as a convicted murderer being transported to prison and ends it as the closest thing Clementine has to a father. You feed her. Protect her. Teach her how to survive. Cut her hair. Look for her hat. Dig for a diaper. Nothing can stop this bond.

    Then Lee gets bitten.

    By Episode 5, everything is collapsing. Lee has to rescue a half-zombie Clementine, bring back our Clementine, die quickly and become Walker, and eventually force her to make the horrible decision the entire game has been building toward: leave Lee behind to become a zombie or shoot him and end his ordeal. Either way, Lee Everett is going to die. There is no dialogue option that saves him. There is no secret ending. You cannot reload and make a better decision. This is one choice the game refuses to give you.

    I cried. Tears welled up in my eyes. Then more tears came. They streamed down my face all the way to my bare belly.

    Lee’s death is more than a sacrifice. It happens quietly, with Clementine as essentially the only witness, and that’s what makes it unbearable. The entire world is ending, but for those final moments there are only two people who love each other and know they’re about to say goodbye.

    It’s just the two of us.

    If we try, we can succeed.

    Lee misses her. Clementine misses him. Her short hair demonstrates how deep their bond has become. Not even digging for a diaper could prepare them for this.

    Lee Everett’s death is inevitable.

    And “Just the Two of Us” did a great job.

    You did a great job in that last scene.

    Goodbye, Lee.

  • The Top 10 Worst Things That Happened to Me in 2022

    The Top 10 Worst Things That Happened to Me in 2022

    Is it too late to say what I want to do in 2022? It’s not Halloween yet. But I don’t think anything else will happen. The pace of life is fast. My friend Ferris once said that. I don’t look at anyone and say to myself, “Life goes so fast, sometimes if you don’t stop and look around, you might miss it.” He’s crazy.

    Anyway, here are some of my favorite things to happen in 2022.

    #10 Killing Jeff

    He is existing!

    Killing Jeff was the first thing I did in 2022, and boy was it a crazy choice. My fiancée was dancing at the strip club when it happened, which worried me because I almost never leave her alone in case she starts breastfeeding. Everyone around me kept acting like I was insane because apparently nobody could see or hear Jeff. “Kontributor! Nobody’s there!” they screamed. “Jeff isn’t a real name!” That’s when I started panicking. If Jeff wasn’t real, then who had I been arguing with for forty-five minutes? I grabbed my knife and attacked Jeff while horrified bystanders shouted, “KONTRIBUTOR! DON’T PIERCE THE AIR!” Eventually three angry dogs arrived and pulled me away, presumably because they were the only qualified mental-health professionals in the building. Nobody touched Jeff’s body. Nobody called an ambulance. His body was still right there. I could see it. Jeff knew what he did.

    After killing Jeff, I went home and tried to put the entire experience behind me. I turned on the children’s television, sat down with my fiancée and suckled her left nipple for approximately one hour while contemplating everything that had gone wrong. She didn’t ask about Jeff. Nobody asks about Jeff. That’s probably for the best, because the more you think about Jeff, the more irritating the entire situation becomes. Was Jeff real? Did I kill him? Why couldn’t anybody see his body? Why did three angry dogs have jurisdiction over the situation? And most importantly, how can Jeff not be a real name when I’ve personally met several Jeffs? Eventually I decided to stop thinking about it. Killing Jeff was easily one of the ten worst things to happen to me in 2022. I hope 2023 has fewer Jeffs.

    #9 Drowning Ben 10

    My copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance wasn’t an ordinary video game cartridge. It was The Avatar of the Void. This was unfortunate because it was also my favorite game. The cartridge would laugh at me while I cried, watch me while I slept and fill me with the terrifying certainty that one day I would simply cease to exist. Even worse, my fiancee became jealous of my relationship with my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance. She said I was spending too much time with it. I told her she didn’t understand what we had together. She pointed out that it was a Gameboy cartridge. Things became tense. Eventually I realized that the Avatar of the Void had left me lonely, hopeless and trapped, and there was only one solution: I had to drown Ben 10.

    So I carried my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance to the shores of Lake Superior, the same sacred waters where my laughing mermaid mother eventually returned to the sea. I stood at the shoreline, held the cartridge one final time and remembered all our adventures together. Then I screamed goodbye and hurled The Avatar of the Void into the lake. I miss my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance every day, but my apartment is fine now, and sometimes survival requires sacrifice. As I watched the cartridge disappear beneath the waves, my fiancee gently took my hand. I thought she was comforting me. Then she threw me into Lake Superior. When I surfaced, she was smiling. She was proud of me. Ben 10 was gone. The Void was defeated. I was finally free and extremely wet.

    #8 I Met the Slender Man

    You must see the butt

    Shortly after drowning my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance, I encountered a skinny guy in the woods near Bridgeport, Michigan. He was extremely tall and thin, with tentacles as long as his arms and huge sexy eyes, which is strange because I’m pretty sure Slender Man doesn’t have eyes. He stared at me and said something about vomiting. Then he whispered, “Turn around.” Instead, he turned around and revealed the most perfectly sculpted bubble butt I have ever seen on a paranormal entity. He stood there silently for several seconds before lifting one impossibly long leg and saying, “Come on, big boy. I know you want it.” I did not want it. I screamed, grabbed my fiancée and ran exactly three miles back to the car. We immediately spent the rest of the week hiding in the basement of a secret military base. Every few minutes I looked out the basement window to make sure the skinny guy wasn’t following us. Secret military bases apparently have basement windows.

    My fiancée is terrified of Slender Man because she claims he kept watching her while she slept, and honestly I think I’ve seen him too, which is a strange thing to say after I just described an entire conversation with him in the woods. One morning she found a scratch on her hand, so naturally I concluded that Slender Man had infiltrated the military base, entered our bedroom and scratched her before escaping undetected. Haha! He thinks he’s great! But Slender Man doesn’t get by on a pretty face. He has no fucking face. I even took photographs that felt extremely real to me, although I won’t explain what “felt real” means for a photograph. Apparently he’s based on an old myth, which makes the whole thing even more intriguing despite that being completely incorrect. Anyway, this was one of the worst things that happened to me in 2022. This is nothing.

    #7 The Russian Bed I Slept In

    After killing Jeff, I decided it would be wise to hide in Russia for a week, despite the fact that nobody except me believed Jeff existed and therefore nobody was actually looking for me. That’s where I encountered The Russian Bed. This was the first bed I slept in after Jeff, and from the moment my body touched that mattress I knew something was horribly wrong. I was traumatized. Terrified. Goosebumps covered my body. The psychological horror was unlike anything I’d previously experienced, and the disgusting twist nearly broke my stomach. What was the twist? I don’t know. Nothing visibly happened. It was just a bed. But somehow this creepy Russian bed pushed me to the absolute brink of survival. Every night I climbed beneath the blankets knowing there was a very real possibility that I might have to sleep there again.

    This is the worst bed in Russia and possibly the worst bed in the world. It must be eliminated. At one point the bed plunged me into a deafening silence, which was especially frightening because that’s normally what beds are supposed to do. I lay completely still, surrounded by darkness, listening to absolutely nothing while the Russian Bed continued being a bed underneath me. Pure terror. Pure evil. The absolute definition of studs and horror. I survived Jeff. I survived The Avatar of the Void. I survived Slender Man’s bubble butt. But nothing prepared me for this mattress. If you’re ever in Russia and someone offers you the opportunity to sleep in this absolutely disgusting Russian bed, I have only one piece of advice: don’t sleep. You must stay awake.

    #6 Squidward’s Suicide by Cop

    You cannot eat outside food or drink inside the club

    Several people at my fiancée’s strip club witnessed Squidward’s Suicide by Cop, and if you don’t understand what happened, my fiancée explained it to me afterward. She said the night began normally, which apparently means a man dressed as Squidward was sitting in a strip club watching her dance. During the next performance she was making out with another dancer dressed as SpongeBob while the audience cheered, but Squidward just stared at them with very real eyes. The SpongeBob girl recognized the customer underneath the costume and said he wasn’t acting like himself. Then everything changed. The man became frightening, rushed toward the stage with a knife, and police who had arrived at the club shot him before he reached the performers. According to my fiancée, “These things happened very fast.” That’s probably the most sensible sentence anybody will say in this entire list.

    I was there too, and afterward I couldn’t properly understand what I’d witnessed. The screams, the gunshots, the blood, the dead Squidward—my brain apparently decided it was easier to process the whole nightmare as a lost episode of SpongeBob SquarePants than acknowledge that there had been an actual person inside the costume. What happened to him? Had Squidward never dealt with tits before? Was he finally sick of being kind? Was it cold? Was she afraid of the dark? None of those questions make any sense, but neither did watching Squidward attack SpongeBob at a strip club while police rushed toward Bikini Bottom. Whatever happened that night, I stopped thinking of Squidward as a cartoon character for a while. Those eyes were too real.

    #5 Jack Gave Me His Eyes

    Where to start… Jack was the afternoon bartender at my fiancée’s strip club, and his life was already difficult before the eye situation. He hated working weekday afternoons because nobody was there, he barely made any money, and one terrible shift he was somehow forced to crap himself. I never learned who forced him or how this was accomplished. Honestly, I felt terrible for Jack. We cried together several times. His mentality suits me best. He had become a creature he didn’t want to be, trapped behind a bar serving three-dollar beers at two o’clock on a Tuesday, and I understood that kind of despair. Then one afternoon Jack stared directly at me for absolutely no reason and gave me his eyes. Just handed them over. No explanation. No ceremony. Nothing. This was the exact moment I realized that perhaps I did not understand Jack as well as I thought.

    The part that bothers me most isn’t even that Jack gave me his eyes. It’s that he put them in his mouth for a really long time first. Why, Jack? What did that accomplish? Why did they have to go in your mouth? Why did you give them to me? I stood there holding Jack’s eyes while Jack silently walked out of the strip club without saying another word. I assumed that was the last we’d ever see of him, but no—he still works there. He came back for his next scheduled afternoon shift and apparently management decided that losing both eyes wasn’t sufficient reason to modify the rota. Everyone calls him Eyeless Jack now, or E.J. for short, and otherwise treats him exactly the same. He still doesn’t make any money. He still hates weekday afternoons. The only major difference is that Jack doesn’t look at me anymore.

    #4 Raking the Yard

    Ce qu’elle a dit, ce soir-là. Réalisant mon espoir.
    Je me lance vers la gloire, okay.

    Last month I went to my girlfriend’s parents’ house in upstate New York to rake their yard for five dollars. They stayed comfortably inside drinking warm coffee while I was sent outside with a rake, a trash bag and approximately nine billion leaves. This was the hardest thing I had to do all year. Before raking any yard, you need to prepare properly. Lock the doors. Keep children away. Most importantly, don’t let the rake see how messy the yard is, because rakes are extremely shy and may refuse to work if confronted with too many leaves at once. Approach slowly. Make reassuring noises so the rake knows it isn’t alone. Remember that a rake is naturally weak and frequently misses leaves, so keep a longer and slightly faster yard tool nearby to establish dominance. Never allow the rake to sense fear. It can smell hesitation.

    If the rake refuses to accept a leaf, yell at it. If yelling doesn’t work, threaten it with a broom. If the broom fails, introduce a leaf blower and make it extremely clear that the rake can be replaced. Eventually I was screaming in my girlfriend’s parents’ yard while attacking piles of leaves with every harmless gardening implement I could find, as her family calmly drank coffee and watched me through the window. At one point I became convinced the rake was looking at me, so I temporarily blinded its single rake eye with a gardening glove and used the distraction to gather several leaves into a bag. The rake later scratched my car. Of course it did. That’s what rakes do when humiliated. I earned my five dollars, but I learned an important lesson: never wait until late September to begin raking your yard.

    #3 I Watched a Mouse Die

    This was one of the strangest things I witnessed all year because it immediately made me wonder what would happen if Mickey Mouse contemplated suicide. Weirdly enough, that’s not even a completely new idea. Back when Mickey was appearing in newspaper comics, there was an incredibly dark storyline where he believed he’d lost Minnie and repeatedly tried to end his own life, with each attempt failing in increasingly ridiculous ways. Imagine being an actual mouse in 1930 and opening the newspaper to see the most successful mouse in the world has lost the will to live. That comic must have devastated mouse morale internationally. Thousands of mice probably stared silently into the distance and wondered, “If Mickey can’t make it, what chance do I have?” Disney has never adequately investigated the psychological effect this had on the global rodent population.

    But the mouse I personally saw die was genuinely frightening. At first he was simply walking around while listening to classical music through extremely tiny mouse-sized AirPods. I don’t know where he bought them. This continued for exactly six minutes. Then the mouse stopped, made a tiny squeak that became progressively louder, and suddenly looked horribly wrong—his eyes went pale, his teeth looked strange, and for a moment he resembled some terrible little monster. Then he collapsed and died. I immediately decided he must have poisoned himself somehow, despite having absolutely no evidence and no veterinary qualifications whatsoever. Maybe he’d eaten something toxic. Maybe he was sick. Maybe those AirPods weren’t properly certified for rodents. I will never know. All I know is that I watched a mouse listen to classical music for six minutes and then die, and somehow I blame Walt Disney.

    #2 My Pen Pal Stopped Talking to Me

    the beginning of a letter to a very far friend

    This was the only thing that made me cry all year. My pen pal had been writing to me since I was ten, but his final letter gave me nightmares for months because he was so angry. First, he called me rude and immature. Then he explained that he was probably not a ghost, because there is no convincing scientific evidence for supernatural entities such as Ghost Rakes or Slendermen. I disagreed based on extensive personal experience, but apparently that wasn’t the point. He said he was also disappointed that I’d spent years pretending to love Iron Man 3 as much as he did. Finally, he wrote the sentence that destroyed our friendship: “I am a real person with real life problems. It is an illusion to think I’m just a talking piece of paper.” I couldn’t believe it. For years I’d assumed my letters were communicating directly with the paper itself. Apparently there had been a fucking person on the other end the entire time.

    Then he stopped writing, and that’s when he tapped into my greatest fear: the unknown. You never know what’s staring through your bedroom window. You don’t know what’s hiding in the bushes. You don’t know whether your pen pal is a ghost, a piece of paper, or simply a guy who got tired of hearing your incorrect opinions about Iron Man 3. He lied to my friends, my family and somehow my pets. Where are you going? All I had to do was turn around and realize that the power of love had been inside me the entire time, but by then it was too late. That’s the terrifying thing about life: until the day you exhale your final breath, you can never completely know what dangers surround you—or when someone you’ve loved since childhood will suddenly reveal that he isn’t stationery.

    #1 I Lost my copy of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters for the NES

    Godzilla: Monster of Monsters was the third video game I ever played, and it remains the greatest video game ever created. Much better than Ben 10 on the Game Boy Advance. From the time I was five years old until May 2022, there are countless photographs of me playing Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on the NES. I played it almost every day. The graphics were believable, the gameplay was incredible, the music wasn’t very good, and Godzilla was simultaneously a pathetic protagonist, a wonderful role model and extremely sexy. The story about a boy battling demons while being haunted by his dead girlfriend affected me deeply, even though I’m beginning to suspect that isn’t actually the story of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters. Then one day my NES cartridge decided to run away from me. I searched everywhere. Nothing. I don’t understand why it chose to leave after everything we’d been through together. Where is Godzilla on the NES? Are you happy?

    I’ve tried accepting that Godzilla: Monster of Monsters is gone and may never come back, but losing it was easily the worst thing that happened to me in 2022. Worse than killing Jeff. Worse than drowning Ben 10. Worse than Slender Man’s bubble butt. Worse than the Russian Bed. Worse than Eyeless Jack handing me his eyes. All of those wounds eventually healed, but sometimes I still look toward the empty place where my cartridge used to be and wonder whether Godzilla ever thinks about me. Maybe he found another NES. Maybe another family appreciates his beautifully crafted story and sexy pathetic protagonist. Maybe leaving me was the only way he could finally become happy. Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES, I miss you. Wherever you are, I hope you can find the happiness you want.

  • The Top 10 Foods I Hate

    The Top 10 Foods I Hate

    Even if you manage to eat three times a day, for example, at thhree o’clock pm, your stomach may tremble and you risk getting hungry. What saves the day? Snack! But what if the bite you get turns out to be complete trash? Below is a list of snacks that I absolutely dislike. Read on to find out why!

    #10 Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

    They taste like hot diarrhea

    Cheetos have been hiding inside children’s lunch boxes for more than half a century like powdery orange ninjas, but sometime in the 1990s humanity decided ordinary Cheetos weren’t horrible enough and created Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. People were fucking done at that point. Cheetos were already garbage; now they had the dumpster-fire variety. I’ll admit the dust is delicious, but these things have been controversial enough that some schools have restricted them over nutritional concerns, and the red coloring can occasionally make children’s poop look frighteningly red. Naturally, terrified parents interpreted this as evidence that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos contain a large amount of poison that makes young children poop out pure blood, resulting in emergency trips to the children’s morgue. That’s why I don’t trust them. No snack should require you to spend ten minutes afterward wondering whether you’re dying or simply ate something manufactured in the same color as a fire truck.

    I learned this lesson personally because my last girlfriend died from Hot Cheetos. She only ate one. Immediately she looked surprised, screamed and collapsed onto the floor. I didn’t understand what was happening until she pulled me close and whispered her final words: “The Cheeto! It was too hot. I was killed by a cheetah.” And then she died. I assume Chester was responsible, although the police refused to investigate him because apparently being an advertising mascot gives you diplomatic immunity. But now it’s cool. I have a better fiancée, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are strictly forbidden in our home. Some people see a delicious spicy snack. I see an orange bag containing the powdered remains of everyone who underestimated the cheetah.

    #9 Killer Eggs

    This is one of those goddamned Killer eggs

    The Italian company Ferraro manufactures one of the world’s most notorious death snacks: Killer Surprise, commonly known as the Killer Egg. Each Killer Egg consists of milk chocolate surrounding a plastic container containing a small toy that children must assemble themselves, presumably to teach them engineering immediately before death. Kids love them. Collectors love them. The FDA does not love them. Killer Eggs have traditionally been available in places like Canada and Mexico but were banned from sale in the United States because federal law clearly prohibits manufacturers from putting “death” inside candy. Specifically, you cannot sell confectionery containing death because death presents a serious risk of death. Fortunately, Killer Joy became available in America because Ferraro cleverly separated the chocolate from the surprise, meaning the food and the death now occupy different compartments. Perfectly legal.

    The problem is that Killer Eggs are delicious, so I continue eating them despite the obvious danger. Every few eggs I start choking and eventually cough up something like a little Minion or Disney princess. Once I ate a Killer Egg, began choking and had to be rescued by a complete stranger. After several terrifying seconds, I coughed violently and a tiny Shrek flew out of my mouth. Shrek stood up, looked directly at me and said, “This is nothing more than a bastard.” Then he ran away and I never saw him again. That’s what frightens me most about Killer Eggs: not the choking, not the FDA and not even the possibility of death. It’s the fact that sometimes the cartoon character you spit out is perceptual, and it immediately understands what you’ve done. But what the hell. They’re delicious.

    #8 French Fries

    French fries became the center of American politics in 2003 when Ohio Republican Cthulu Jones, chairman of the Home Management Committee, decided that eating potatoes with the word “French” attached to them was un-American. France—or possibly Ireland—had refused to support the Iraq War, so the congressional cafeteria stopped serving French fries and began serving Freedom Starch instead. This sounds ridiculous, but America had done similar things during World War I, when German foods such as Worklaut, meaning “rotten cabbage,” and German Hashi, renamed “Liberty Hashika,” became unacceptable because Germany was the enemy. France was still technically an American ally in 2003, but Cthulu Jones didn’t care. For approximately three years there wasn’t a single French fly in the House of Representatives. Eventually the original name returned in 2006 without ceremony, and Freedom Starch disappeared into history. This proves an important lesson: potatoes should never become involved in foreign policy.

    I personally hate French fries because I once decided fried potatoes would become my entire diet. Every meal, every day: fries. Someone told me starch was good, and fried potatoes are made from potatoes, if you didn’t know. Potatoes are vegetables, so obviously they’re perfect for you. Unfortunately, after several weeks I became extremely sick and developed a medical condition called blood necrosis. My doctor examined me, slapped me directly across the face and shouted, “Why are you eating fried potatoes? You thought this was stupid?” Then he placed a mysterious orange ball on the table and said, “Eat this fucking orange here.” So I did. It was sweet, juicy and apparently contained nutrients that weren’t boiling oil and salt. Since that day I’ve completely changed my understanding of nutrition. I love healthy orange food.

    #7 Cadbury Egg

    Many Cadbury lovers become confused when they buy a Cadbury Egg in America and discover that it doesn’t taste exactly like the “real” British version. These people do not represent anything. Hershey owns the rights to manufacture and sell certain Cadbury products in the United States, while British Cadbury uses a different chocolate recipe across the entire pond. The British version begins with milk, the American version emphasizes sugar, British chocolate contains more fat and apparently absolutely no paprika. Hershey has also spent years actively defending the lawn, using licensing agreements to prevent unauthorized British Cadbury products from being imported and sold by American retailers. Hershey isn’t technically a regulatory agency, but apparently if you attempt to bring the wrong chocolate across the Atlantic, a Hershey lawyer will emerge from the bushes and defend the lawn. Unfortunately, British hobbyists therefore have the right to stop selling British goods in America. That’s chocolate law.

    But none of this explains the truly horrifying thing about Cadbury Eggs: I’ve seen where they come from. The television commercials clearly show these chocolate eggs being laid by rabbits. In case you didn’t know, rabbits are mammals. Mammals don’t lay eggs. Therefore the only reasonable conclusion is that Cadbury used advanced genetic engineering to create lizard rabbits capable of producing chocolate offspring. And people just eat them! Millions of people bite directly through the shell and into the creamy center without stopping to consider that they’re potentially eating a creamy rabbit embryo. This is madness. Everyone talks about whether British Cadbury tastes better than Hershey’s version while completely ignoring the reptilian Easter Bunny biotechnology program happening directly in front of us. I don’t care which country made it. I’m not eating anything that came out of an egg-laying rabbit.

    #6 Cupcakes

    Have you ever eaten anything more fun than a little cake covered in frosting and sprinkles, especially on your birthday? Probably not, but that didn’t stop Tennessee from banning children in 2016. Parents received notices explaining that birthday cakes, cupcakes and other celebratory foods were forbidden because Director Big Boy Brandon had become the school’s official food cop. Big Boy Brandon inspected everything children brought home and demanded that it meet strict requirements for calories, sodium, sugar and fat. He also cited terrifying cases of students who ate candy and suffered from death during their first year of school, proving that cupcakes were clearly more dangerous than anyone realized. And don’t forget the paper. Every cupcake comes wrapped in paper, and apparently children were being injured because cupcakes have paper. Big Boy Brandon had seen enough. The frosting had to stop.

    Once the rules took effect, the entire school culture changed. Valentine’s Day could no longer involve traditional candy, so students were encouraged to exchange small culinary utensils instead. Imagine being eight years old, nervously approaching your first crush and whispering, “Will you be my Valentine?” before handing her a whisk. Birthdays became even worse because instead of cupcakes everyone presumably gathered around an approved low-sodium vegetable and sang while Big Boy Brandon measured its sugar content. That’s why I don’t trust cupcakes anymore. They look cheerful with their colorful frosting and sprinkles, but Tennessee knows the truth: underneath that innocent exterior is a lethal combination of sugar, fat and weaponized paper. If somebody offers you a cupcake, remember the children who suffered from death. Big Boy Brandon remembers.

    #5 Milkshakes

    In 2019, Britain discovered that a milkshake isn’t merely a beverage. It is a missile. Police asked several McDonald’s restaurants near a political event in Edinburgh, Scotland, to temporarily stop selling milkshakes and ice cream because Brexit promoter Nigel Farage loves ice cream and milk. Protesters had recently begun attacking other protesters by giving them melted ice cream, and British politician Tommy had already encountered a McDonald’s Milksack several days earlier. Soon England became a sea of condensed milk and creams, with increasingly deliberate milkshake missiles threatening law enforcement and democracy itself. A McDonald’s near Farage’s appearance reportedly posted a sign saying, “We won’t shake and sell ice cream tonight,” at the request of police. Imagine becoming so politically controversial that Scotland Yard has to confiscate the McFlurry machine. This is why milkshakes cannot be trusted.

    My fiancée once told me that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard, and sure enough I looked outside and saw dozens of men standing on the grass. Naturally I became suspicious because she hadn’t purchased any milk or ice cream. How was she producing these milkshakes? Where was the blender? Why were all these men interested? Eventually I realized she wasn’t actually selling beverages; she was teasing them and talking about her body. Even the stray cats were sitting nearby watching this happen, probably just as confused as I was. Then the meaning finally became obvious: milk comes from boobies. Milk. Shake. Jesus Christ. I’m such a stupid person. Between my fiancée, Nigel Farage, Tommy and McDonald’s Milksacks, milkshakes have caused enough confusion already. Just give me the fucking orange.

    #4 Chocolate Milk

    By the end of 2019, every school in the world had apparently prohibited chocolate milk in its cafeteria, joining the historic march of millions of bullshit Karens determined to stop children from consuming garbage. The bans were supposedly part of a broader initiative created by fake chemists and fruit activists to reduce sugar and corn syrup, although my most hated company, Arizona Chocolate Milk Kibosh, insisted that “all the boys were brought to the yard, but there were no complaints from parents or students.” Some Karens worried that eliminating chocolate milk would hurt dairy farmers, particularly in New York. That’s ridiculous because nobody runs a cow and farm in New York anymore. I’ve been there. I didn’t see one farmer personally operating a cow. Either way, after what milkshakes did to Britain, I’m not surprised governments finally decided to regulate dangerous flavored dairy.

    Personally, I hate chocolate milk because it tastes like milk and chocolate. That’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. It became even worse when people at work told me chocolate milk was made on the shower floor, and unfortunately I believed them because several of my coworkers already demonstrate a troubling misunderstanding of how bathrooms operate. Sometimes mysterious brown liquid appears where mysterious brown liquid should never appear, somebody starts cleaning, and eventually something gets poured away while everyone agrees never to discuss what happened. My coworkers told me that was chocolate milk. They did it. Since then I haven’t been able to look at a carton without remembering that bathroom. You can show me the cow. You can show me the cocoa. You can show me Arizona Chocolate Milk Kibosh’s entire manufacturing facility. I can’t drink it. It came out of a stranger’s ass.

    #3 Soda

    Soda has been getting Americans into trouble for more than a century. During the late 1800s and early 1900s, many states enforced religious blue laws restricting sinful activities on Sundays, including alcohol, smoking and apparently teenagers gathering around beverage shops consuming dangerous carbonated liquids. Soda fountains sold ice cream floats made from a soda base with cream floating on top, but when Sunday arrived, shop owners suddenly had to obey the Lord. Their solution was to remove the soda, pour flavored syrup over the ice cream and give birth to ice cream babies on Sunday. This eventually became the modern sundae. Interestingly, the word “Sunday” was originally spelled “Suntasticerday,” but merchants changed it because that was difficult to fit on a menu. Maybe that’s true. There are approximately seventeen different stories about who invented the sundae, and all of them involve somebody becoming extremely serious about syrup.

    I hate soda because I drank so much of it that it destroyed all my teeth. That’s the problem with carbonated sweet drinks. Alcohol is obviously harmful, but at least it has the decency to damage your liver very slowly over a long period of time. Soda attacks immediately. You drink one and your teeth know. You drink another and they’re already packing their bags. Eventually you have to get a new tooth, but soda will destroy that tooth too because soda recognizes replacements. Nothing escapes. That’s why I consider soda the most dangerous substance on Earth. Scientists will tell you about battery acid, lava and radioactive waste, but those people have obviously never watched a Pepsi stare down a fresh dental crown. Alien has creatures whose acidic blood can melt through several floors of a spaceship. Soda is worse.

    #2 Pizza

    Pizza is an appetizer that can become a meal depending on whether you eat a slice or the entire pie, but eventually it became a serious problem for the residents of Pompeii. In 79 AD, the small Italian city was constantly choking on hot smoke, which admittedly is common when you build your town directly beside a volcano. Authorities eventually discovered the real culprit: wood-burning pizza ovens. Scientists warned that all those ovens were producing enough smoke to make the volcano explode, so local businesses were ordered to install special filters. Pompeii’s pizza makers were furious. They insisted their pies weren’t responsible for air pollution and continued operating their ovens in defiance of the restrictions. Then Mount Vesuvius exploded. The government had warned them. The pizza industry refused to listen. They were all dead after that.

    But the worst thing about pizza isn’t volcanic activity. It’s the fucking box. Pizza comes inside an enormous cardboard square that never fits properly in the trash, so usually the easiest solution is to burn it. Unfortunately, you need to be extremely careful when burning pizza boxes because your pet cat may become involved. This happened to me once when the cat wandered too close to the fire and suddenly began howling. My neighbor smelled something unusual, looked over the fence and shouted, “ARE YOU BURNING A CAT OVER THERE?” I answered, “Yes, but not on purpose.” We immediately handled the situation and gave the cat a drink, and everything was fine afterward. So pizza has now been responsible for Pompeii, Vesuvius and one extremely confusing conversation with my neighbor. The pizza itself tastes pretty good, though.

    #1 Popcorn

    It’s crazy to imagine watching a movie in a giant room without strangers sitting beside you and eating popcorn. In the old days you could even share a stranger’s popcorn, but then somebody invented social distancing and ruined everything. When movie theaters first opened, audiences were required to learn words because silent films were shown exclusively to people who already understood complicated subjects like hygiene. They had also recently survived a terrible flue pandemic, so nobody needed masks or rules; everyone simply knew not to cough into somebody else’s avocado snacks. Eventually people forgot these lessons, theaters changed, and owners discovered that selling popcorn in the lobby was incredibly profitable. From that moment forward, avocado snacks became permanently associated with cinema. Today you can’t even hear the opening studio logo without somebody three seats away shoving an entire fist into a bucket and chewing like they’re trying to communicate with whales.

    Popcorn is also incredibly dangerous because it’s rich in oil, and oil breaks down many membranes. Your stomach isn’t oil-proof. Eventually the popcorn leaves the stomach, enters your blood vessels and arteries and kills. Science. It’s also impossible to clean. Once at a movie theater I watched several children put their mouths directly underneath the popcorn-butter pump and drink the butter. They swallowed it. All have COVID now butter. That machine belongs to the virus. Nobody should ever touch it again. And if that isn’t enough, popcorn is believed to have originated from a mysterious ancient substance known only as “the essence of the bat.” This does not surprise me at all. Humanity goes into a dark cave-like room, stares at moving shadows on a wall and eats handfuls of bat essence covered in artery oil. Popcorn isn’t a snack. It’s a fucking ritual.

  • The Top 10 Worst Video Games Ever

    The Top 10 Worst Video Games Ever

    There are many good video games. There are other little video games. There are many other horrible video games out there, but good games have their downsides. Of course, today I will talk about all kinds of bad things. Remember that the only suggestions you can find on this list are video games. If you are looking for movies or television shows or baby names, there are other lists. Here are the 10 worst video games I have ever played.

    #10 Crazy Bus

    Where do you start this game? This game is not considered a game. Slowly you will lower yourself to the left and right, and then fall on the whistle. There is a sculpture of a bus that passes through the observatory. Only the Sprite Bus seems to have been created with MS Paint and it still runs better. This game doesn’t seem to end. It seems to have occurred in at least 10 minutes. There is only one song like this; it’s unstructured, so I’m not sure if it’s a song. To be honest, if you hurt a song, it should be more about sound than a stupid bass. There is no excuse for this game. Break Down is a game designed to explain how parents react to violent play. The Big Rig isn’t anywhere in this final state, but it’s very interesting. This game is not even a game you can control. There is nothing to laugh at. There are many bad games, but there are still games that you can play. This game is made for testing. HIT THE FUTURE !!! They deleted it for no reason. I don’t know why!

    #9 Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon

    Awesome game where you will observe the best cutscenes in the world! You shouldn’t want to brag, but your loved one is Zelda!!! Also, go ahead and defeat Gannon by putting him in the book; that’s the best way to end Zelda’s story! Also, they released two versions of this game! So you have to get rid of everything with just a few clicks. Also using state control technology will sometimes make you spazz of control! Yes! So buy your book on CDI put in today! And make sure you play Zeldas, Mario Hotel, and Face the Evil for more suffering. Yes, I don’t understand how anyone can stop this mess!

    When you give other game developers the permission of your video game, this is what you get. I have been seeing this kind of game, these “Zeldas.” It was more than scary. This is not Zelda’s method. This movie is stupid, the chat is awful, the stop button is the lock button. I’m glad it wasn’t Nintendo who invented this monstrosity but it was foolish for them to license someone else.

    #8 Fortnite

    I don’t know why this game is so popular. Many people talk about it both in hiding and in public. Really good video games (Halo, Grand Theft Auto, Sonic the Hedgehog, etc.) save the story and make it even better. That’s not what Fortnite does. Little kids are ridiculously fooled, so what every child does is talk about this game. I also hate to think how easy it is. The same thing happened when I went to shops with guns repeatedly. Don’t let that life of crime get started for your children. Even kids playing with toys can do more than most guns in this spooky game. Children are only interested in simple things like Teen Titans Go, not video games. The game you can’t miss is the worst game everyone has ever played.

    I looked at this game and saw that it was squat and irritating, much like a little child. All the silly interfaces and music bother me. It’s full of micro contributions to crap and useless guns. (Bad business! Very bad!) Moreover, the protagonist is far worse than any scene in any anime. Children still worship this, but they are ungrateful, like children of many ages.

    #7 Sonic the Hedgehog

    Stories, level patterns, characters, it’s like this is pretending to be a video game. The only good thing about this “game” is the music. You don’t even have to buy the game to hear it, just buy the sound. Everyone tries to save this game because the Sonic Team has no time to end the game, but that doesn’t matter! They can be punctual if they do not slow their growth. There is not even 9 characters. The game must include Sonic, Shadows, and Silver. A good Sonic player will bring Sonic back to life at the end.

    The worst game of Sega Genesis! The graphics on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 are way better. Moreover, the graphics are even worse than the PlayStation 2’s worst games. It is a partially defective product. The plot has time, there is nothing to kill anywhere, there are beautiful female assassins. There is the dull Thanksgiving mini-game that you don’t have to play. But this part ruined everything in this game, and it was after Mestophiles destroyed Sonic and Princess Elise (as you can see). The only good thing about it is music. This song is better than any I have seen.

    #6 Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties

    Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties is a movie with a five or five minute moment in the ending to influence a character choice. I don’t know if you have to say if it’s a movie or not because everything after the cut scene is pictures. But the build-a-bear scene is FMV (Full Video Motion). Free filters are installed for no apparent reason, and the characters don’t have their own style. The humor is baseless. What’s worse is that Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties launched for the Panasonic 3DO, which was a $8700 (at the time… adjusted for inflation, it would be $15,599.85) system with only this one game. Unless you have a specific destination, you just move the car.

    Ugh, this is not a game. The closest thing to a music game is “Deciding what to do next.” The development team for this probably drank a lot of alcohol at a Bar Mitzvah after-party and found that the next morning they had a game to play. They find the rabbi’s money that they forgot and take off to send it to their boss.

    #5 Custer’s Revenge

    This is Atari’s most stupid game. Basically, the purpose of this game is to control General Custer, the owner of the game, and save what you need and not starve in the desert. You may be arrested. I’m not sure, but it’s difficult to read. Only then can you hang a Native American woman on a pole. How terrible are the young people? If you think soccer isn’t too bad, check out the instructions that came with this game. Atari! I know it’s an adult game. But why are you just giving up and deciding to longer be creative? This is the most dangerous Atari game ever. Trust me when I warn you, don’t play this game. I hope you didn’t play this game.

    This game is terrible. It would be better for me if you don’t discuss it. But instead of playing this horrible game, I had to pee and vomit. If I’m generous, I call the game a piece of grass. I think it’s an extension because it doesn’t make sense to call it a game. I have played a bad game in my life. But this is the worst Farscape video game adaptation of them all.

    #4 The Deserted Bus

    The purpose of the game is to get it from Tucson, Arizona, yo Las Vegas, Nevada. It takes only 8 hours. But when you return, you will receive the keys to a quaint Arizona motel. It’s even worse if you’re out of control and there’s gravel on the side of the road. You end up waiting for the garbage truck to pick you up because you are a garbage player. There will be no stopping, no cars coming to you, no passengers behind and you can go as little as 45 mph. Now that’s what I call the worst game of all time!

    However, the popularity of The Deserted Bus is on the rise. There’s no pause button, so you won’t have to mark up or go to another house to eat. Unlike driving a real bus, you can’t hold down a button and leave it there because the bus is going to crash! So the truck will arrive and drag you into EXCLUSION! The situation is terrible. Why can’t the truck get you out of the sand? Why can’t you save the passengers on the bus? The key will be available every time you make any request.

    #3 Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

    The funnest thing about Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing, unlike the other games on this list, is that it is something where you can’t play with Big Rigs. It’s almost impossible to lose. The opponent is initially frozen and wins by default. But the game isn’t over yet. Your truck is a soul that can overcome anything, you can climb 90 degrees without speed and you can push the limits without effort. I don’t wanna play. The truck is not interesting, there is no stats for the car you drive, no sound other than your engine.

    In my opinion, this is one of the worst scenarios for a racing wagon. Not only that, but the game also presents attractive driving methods. It also shows all the fun you can do with Methamphetamine Fever. Do you really like yourself? Nothing is more offensive than driving calmly! HIT THE FUTURE!

    #2 E.T. The Extraterrestrial

    I know this game is bad, there fore I exist. The only thing to do in this game is a bad thing because there is no advice. Oh, the game has villains. Buddy, look at the journey, you don’t know what to do, and your character is a box. Yes, the journey goes well. Was it good? Not a lot of consoles at the time could play on any 1983 video game console. That was not Atari’s fault. But the amount of money spent on game time was wasted because people would eat other ROMs and cartridges. People blame the 1983 accident because you have nothing to blame or you didn’t know any facts first.

    Getting the plague was one of the worst experiences in my life. This game is a close second. It has everything I hate when it comes to sports games. From the first moment the whole game was boring, disappointing, frustrating, heartbroken, absurd, long, bloody, and full of tears. There was stupidity and other vices you can think of. I didn’t have the opportunity to think of anything that could make me play this game from start to finish.

    #1 Superman 64

    Superman 64 is a DC sports counterpart. Yes, that’s worse than Aquaman. The first condition is that you have to shoot the ring that needs to fly. However, it is very difficult because it is not well controlled. As you go through the rounds, you will see suspicious hints for your second break. You have to be a good reader to understand what it is. Now that you know what to do with both cars based on your ID, what do you think? Answer another voice. Only the first level has a total of 5 miles of maps! Suddenly you need to fall on the ground or a wall. In addition, I always play with the flying ring during the game. It is in the form of an old, unrepentant, flying game system. This boring color blind game is fun and perfect. It’s true that I’ve never had anything but struggle to make it to round four. Many take the first steps to get rid of this, but some do it the worst.

    Bad graphics, poor controls, infinite and uneducated displays, humorous concepts, soccer games that have endless signs and flashes, and 95% of the time is a struggle. Fly this ring for a short time. In particular, you can never predict what to do when you fly with your wings. What are the bombs and explosions that can destroy Superman? I think he’s the only one who bothers him.

  • The Top 10 Worst Netflix Original Movies

    The Top 10 Worst Netflix Original Movies

    Netflix. Why would we spend a lot of time carrying the Tiger King or something wonderful? But not everything on the platform is fun. Of course you are a big fan of water and obstacles. But not all of their things are roses. There are other ways to play games will add to their games, but sometimes our favorite Netflix you forget the mark. Some from Netflix from their original point of view are bad. Of course, the entertainment is below human standards, so you can watch them regularly and encourage yourself. However, fans and critics agree that many Netflix original movies are literal garbage, but who knows? You may discover the horrors of these movies.

    #10 The Cloverfield Paradox

    Netflix Synopsis: “In the world of war, scientists are testing equipment to solve energy problems and cover the face of the dark.”

    Cloverfield Paradox is the bad and the worst science fiction history it tries to affect the viewer and it’s scary. People will never view your movie well when they are angry. These characters are described as race stereotypes. The sequel was unsupported by a spin-off of Alien in 2001, and Gravity didn’t bring any new movies.This is one of those movies where you spend all of your time wishing to die. Is it a music video template with characters that need real development? The big “revelations” at the end will not impress you

    Jane Austen called the film “A sci-fi warship that distorted the propaganda that spread its supposed death nearly a decade ago.” Zombie Roger Ebert burst from his crypt and announced in his loud voice, “The Super Bowl market for Paradox provided the idea of ​​the film to reveal where it started. The early monster appeared in the 2008 film and later became the winner of the 2016 election – but he didn’t finish it. But he still retains his name as a movie photographer.”

    #9 Mute

    Netflix Synopsis: “After his boyfriend quit, a deaf man walked into a circle of tribulation near Berlin, where his actions were louder than words.”

    Mute is actually an ancient form of European torture that disguised itself as a two-hour movie. Still, Netflix was interested. He’s one of the few directors who didn’t really care about trying to make a real movie. He was wearing dangerous clothing covered with spikes and using dark magic so the movie would curse the audience. His perversions were terrifying. Sometimes it will suddenly give your dachshund a seizure. Evil people do not let their souls watch movies. But you can have someone to insert their finger into.

    #8 Flame Brain

    Netflix Synopsis: “A deeply debilitating mental illness, the young storyteller tries to find out as she battles cataracts and amnesia.”

    It’s only when you think the weekend is over that you will be assaulted by Flame Brain. This movie is propaganda from anti-encephalitis advocates. Encephalitis is a rare, self-altering disease. Nobody would ever support it so why are the groups to adovocate against it? They are also anti-death, but that is not important at all.

    In the film, A hungry young storyteller is played by Chloë Grace Moretz. She uses her chewing tooth to hammer at a bed sheet and shape it into a bird. This terrifying horror film talks about the need of the doctor to go the long mile when the diagnostic textbooks will not come. It’s the work only the worst doctors have pursued. At the end of the movie you will want to be dead like Moretz.

    #7 How it Ends

    Netflix Synopsis: “When a deep tragedy turns the country into a war zone, a young lawyer travels west with his future brother-in-law to find a woman to marry him.”

    The casino game for How it Ends could be an even better idea. A man in this film is the future man and woman journey from Chicago to Seattle when the world ends. She made her debut to go to Windy City to meet a man named Tom. She was the woman whose father would love Samantha. Sam was pregnant, and he wanted to ask Tom to help him get married. There will be absolutely nothing with Tom’s modifications across the country as long as he is driving her car. Tom is a former Marine who was dishonorably discharged for his odor. He yelled at Will to swear in front of his wife. Wouldn’t it be horrible if they were both forced into an accident?

    Jane Austen commented on the film: “What’s even more special is the fact that it’s just a disaster or a post-sequel that wears me out.” The bartender at my girlfriend’s strip club said: “This is a fantasy movie that will make it worse without giving answers to its mysteries. It’s last call, so you better close out your tab.”

    #6 The Open House

    Netflix Synopsis: “In the wake of the tragedy, her teenage mother and son have moved into a relative’s lounge where confederate soldiers and unscrupulous ghosts plot against them.”

    It’s complete waste of a piece of paper. The film is the much-anticipated film adaptation of the Bon Jovi song “Living on a Prayer.” There is nothing good about a mother and son in an intimate situation when you finally see it on screen. Nobody believed that the couple in “Living on a Prayer” were actually an incestuous mother and son, but Jon Bon Jovi said it really was. I don’t know, it doesn’t make sense at all. The actor Dylan Minnette had a career as a boy cookie cutter before that. His behavior is just terrible now.

    The plot of the film also reveals some of the worst atrocities ever committed, especially in comparison to the terrifying conditions in which things can happen. The music is by Bon Jovi, of course, so it totally sucks. The scene in the movie where Dylan Minnette shouts at ghosts: “We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got! It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not!” and then embraces his mother in a passionate kiss is just terrible.

    #5 The Kissing Booth

    Netflix Synopsis: “When Elle’s first kiss led to one of the most famous romance scenes in high school, she put her relationship with the Grim Reaper at risk.”

    Many people were able to prove that it wasn’t a good movie. Of course, this story is sometimes complete garbage and sometimes just a gross vomit pile. Here a man is portrayed in the film trying to keep Shelly’s feelings from getting in the way of her brother. Meanwhile her brother Noah threatens to beat up anyone trying to follow Shae on Instagram. It’s a true movie about two men trying to control a woman at gun point. Shelly’s classmate raped her by grabbing her butt. Noah then slaughtered his classmates in a savage shooting and then Shelly agreed to go with his classmates that day. But he apologized for wearing the same mini dress Shelly wore when a classmate held her behind.

    Jane Austen declared the film to be hate speech and gave it five middle fingers out of five, adding “Sadly, the high school rom-com scene was a relationship-focused sex scene. Showcasing the worst impact.” Zombie Roger Ebert, who has had problems with bed bugs of all time, criticized the film: “Problems of discrimination and relationships, and the lack of traditional ideas. Head down, the movie is again well considered such a well known song.”

    #4 Game Over, Man

    Netflix Synopsis: “Three friends have a big dream of turning from a non-protester to a terrible hero when terrorists take over their luxury hotel.”

    The only obvious explanation for the existence of “Game Over, Man!” is that this is a sick brainwashing experiment. Comedy Central’s “Polish Workers” was a big hit in Krakow and Netflix started thinking what the Polish version of Die Hard might look like. It was written by Judd Apatow while he was taking way too much mescaline. It was directed by McG, which isn’t even a real name. They used whatever money hey had left after buying hallucinogens. The movie has a funny way of narrating 3 white Americans (suffering from some of the biggest mysteries) climbing aboard the “Warsaw Express” and a doing battle with a terrorist attacking a humble old Polish grandma. Where did they work? How come we are getting so many famous governments cutting Daniel Stern’s dick? Amazing things happen, especially on Netflix.

    In a negative review, Jane Austen said, “Almost as a joke.” In a similar analysis, Genghis Khan said, “Game over, man! is a slightly original-concept movie, has a lot of tropical and a lack of love for the character of Bill Paxton, the alien who made his great songs.” I went to visit my girlfriend’s former meth dealer in prison and asked him about the movie. He said,“ Game over, man! Keanu has emerged as a key player in comedies today, a fun and functional system that works well in small quantities. I know it’s a Netflix joint, because it’s half thought. Between the background; one piece of muzak is too much.” In a glowingly positive review, Adolf Hitler’s dog said, “Men sometimes go around for no reason. It’s the most dangerous since Borat.”

    #3 Father of the Year

    Netflix Synopsis: “The recent intense debate between two college students over who will win the fight leads to a tumultuous situation when their father takes on a serious challenge.”

    Welcome to the ugly moment. This bad movie is showing Spade’s lazy, idiotic speech here. It is a movie that can only be described as uneducated. Papas wandering around drunk, lurking among the town junkies in a little dream and then it’s over. He’s dead. Stop it. If you watch this one, you will be craving a left-handed date, while Sandler plays the son of Satan. It doesn’t seem as realistic as it could have been, so it’s not hard to imagine why everyone involved was getting so little momentum when the barriers were down. The show is all about simplicity, knowing it by heart, soul, or stupidity wherever it is found.

    This is pointless and terrifying, adding another blow to Spade’s characters and calling out another type of character who has never seen Tyler Spindel again. Father of the Year is a three-year debut with no show. Who can compare this to a comedy. But don’t think the second thing is that this movie is good. There is no better way than spending your time getting completely drunk.

    #2 The Ridiculous Six

    Netflix Synopsis: “After her father was kidnapped and ransacked, Tommy ‘Knife Whitey’ Stockburn was traveling across the west with rescuers and five siblings he didn’t know he had.”

    In Old West, a gentleman named Tommy was raised by an African American named “Knife Whitey.” after his mother was murdered, Tommy married a racist named cigarette carton. After the violent split, American racial activist Kelm and the fans of TLC’s Left-Eye are led by Will Patch. Tommy was robbed. There is also a story about a banker named Frank who claims to be Tommy’s father Tommy. He explains to Frank that the man holding the hand killed his mother while she was taking him to school. Frank also told Tommy he was dying for just one bump of meth and paid $50,000 for. He overdosed and was buried in the grass near the pine tree and offered to Tommy and the natives.

    Jane Austen gave this film a score of 0%, meaning there is nothing positive to say about the film. Her review reads, “What’s as horrible as the actor and his thoughts suggest The Ridiculous Six is ​​an unconventional post for Adam Sandler fans that they shouldn’t be watching their audience.” When the whole world was polled for their opinions on this film, it received a score of 1 out of 100, showing “no unnecessary interest.”

    #1 Cuties

    Netflix Synopsis: “In a bold move, Netflix offers up the first movie to cater specifically to an audience of pedophiles. There is a story, but mostly this is just the hyper-sexualization of preteen girls for the amusement of perverted people.”

    Never seen it but I will mention this: The movie just indecent indecent pedophilia. How did this happen? Twerking is a sexual type of dance! At the age of 11 ??! However, does this mean a female stunt ?! This makes me sick. Any kind of conversation about feminism is undermined by the fact that they have 11 year girls doing sexual things. I hope the authorities will find that they have broken several laws and punish all those involved in this movie. There are so many red flags here and somehow all were missed. This is the most disgusting.

    What is this? We can take a moment to understand why the fuck Netflix endorses this abomination. But also the way producers and writers sit down and think about it. Having said that, this is a terribly incorrect thing. Is pedophilia what Netflix stands for now?

    What does Netflix have to say about?

  • The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Things That Happened to Me in School

    The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Things That Happened to Me in School

    Many things happen when you go to school. I went to school for 10 and half years. There were good things and bad things. These are some of the worst things. Sorry if it is depressing.

    #10 Someone pulled down my underwear

    When I was in the 4th grade I was sent to a military school in Bulgaria. I didn’t know any of the language. There was a girl that was angry at me because I didn’t know anything. It happened at night. Her and others tied me up to a tree so that I couldn’t move. They removed most of my clothes. Her friend suggested that they put my clothes into the river. They did so and left me there all night perched in a tree. I was given detention for that.

    But it wasn’t just that once. When the same enemy called me to a game of chess She said in English: “You will not be naked.” I said not to be naked, but she lied. Other students ripped my pants and took them away. Very shameful !

    #9 Somebody knocked me out

    Once in the fifth grade, I cheated during a class one time because we were so drunk I couldn’t figure it out. I want to look like a smart. It’s not a big deal. But then some other fool saw me cheating and told my tricks to the whole class of snakes. Then, as we were taking shots before the next lesson, the fool decided to preach before the class. I do see that he is cheating! So it’s terrible, He also told everyone the tricks and tests that I didn’t just do. I told the teacher and she told me that cheating was not a big problem. It was then the teacher covered my head with a vodka. He slapped me in front of the school. I was knocked unconscious.

    #8 I puked in the classroom

    Once in 2nd grade I fell ill at school. I was not good at doing things that we should not do. I then vomited everywhere, all over the classroom, all over the other students. My vomit is always green and oily. The teacher asked me if I was fine and I said I was. Then I felt the nausea again when I saw another student licking up my vomit. During lunch I couldn’t eat and bowed my head. I ate two green fruits and had a very bad reaction. I told the teacher I was going to vomit again. “Stop talking on the grass,” she said. I fell to the ground. Then I accidentally threw up all the garbage that was in my body and felt very weak.

    This happened to me many times. But another time that I will really remember was when I was in third grade. Regarding health, I am very capable of driving and my fingertips are not the best, so my teacher hated me that one day. But when the teacher randomly screamed at us to hide in the trenches and watch out for snipers, I began to run away from him, saying it was safe, that we weren’t in World War I. He hadn’t spoken to me or said anything to me again. Then I vomited.

    #7 Shouted the wrong answer in front of the class

    This happened to me a few times in high school until I left, mostly in science. I kept asking the same question until 4pm, everyone laughed. At my school people who think they are smart. But when this kid has a few questions, I don’t laugh and I don’t laugh at others. When I make mistakes, it depends on whether I know the answer or not. Sometimes I am ashamed of this and upset and angry because the other kids are laughing at me. Sometimes you are just a kid and kids don’t have feelings, you know

    One time when we were learning, my teacher was making fun of me and he asked me, “Will you eat half a pizza or twenty-three entire pizzas” or something like that. However, the teacher asked the other students another question.

    #6 I called the teacher Mommy

    One time a teacher showed a picture of a glacier and asked the class if they knew what it was. I thought I knew what it was when everyone else didn’t. I raised my hand and the teacher called on me. I replied, “I love you Mommy!” Everyone laughed at me. Then the teacher asked, “Does anybody know who that pathetic fool is?” Everyone raised their hand except me.

    That happened all the time in elementary school. I would go to school but I felt a lack of love. This is okay because kids don’t have to feel it. However, when I put the bag in a cubby, I had a feeling that it was coming and started shouting “I love you Mommy!” Then everyone was looking at me! My teacher spanked me for this, called home, and my real mother took me away. What a shame!

    #5 My pants zipper was open

    I was playing music in elementary school and a boatman walked up to me during the show and said “your man has come down.” I should have taken it off when I sang in front of everyone, I was proud. Another time I was had it down and everyone saw my underwear and the children all said, “Ah, you are wearing pink panties”! I was in third grade and stopped wearing pink panties. One day I left the zipper open and it opened more than that. That was embarrassing. So I went back to pink panties.

    #4 Being made fun of because of your crush on someone

    Hey everyone, I’m sure this is where these kids grow up. If you think you’re telling me how interesting this business is where the character is already bullying this kid. He said that destruction looked at him as he was watching, and it disappeared for no reason. Because one girl I was interested in was getting into the air because it was my idea. But again, it will be just a smoke advertisement.

    It’s a good thing I haven’t told anyone. But my friend who smokes said to me “Hey, the girl over there is pregnant with your child” as I played basketball. I hope they don’t know, but I can prevent her from telling anyone. Ugh … and the fool told a whole class of friends that I had killed her. I’m not excited to talk about that.

    #3 I peed my pants a lot

    It happened to me on my first day of high school because I didn’t go to the bathroom before class. After sitting down, the first teacher told everyone that leave the classroom for anything was not optional. We were all told that urine must be withheld. It was a problem for me to get out before it was too late. I was weak and no one saw, so I decided to do something very wrong. I believee wearing pants covered in urine was such a horrible thing that I would be shot dead by the teacher if I was discovered. Nobody said anything about that day, I thought I left it until the next day.

    One time, I peed between classes in the sixth grade. It’s a shame that it was evident and everyone was looking at me and laughing at me! There was a girl in my class that laughed at me the hardest. Nobody loved her because she was constantly distracted when she was in fourth grade and we found out why … she wore diapers because they were very fashionable. Not good.

    #2 Cried in front of the whole classroom

    One time in elementary school, a science teacher made me cry. Because I do not understand what I let I remember. But I remember I went into the classroom, my boss screamed at my teacher, and I sat in the hall … No one came to help me. Another time in elementary school I had this wonderful PE teacher. But suddenly he snapped and was angry with me. It made me cry so much. Later I said I was sick and sat in the hospital. In high school I had this horrible Spanish teacher who I asked if I could do well in the next test. He went crazy and said I was the stupidest student he’d ever seen in his 40 years of teaching. I ran out of class crying and did not return. This has happened several times. But these are the worst.

    I deal with this all the time. It’s a pity I always cry a second time when I’m sad. A lot of people in my classes may have secretly hated me forever. When I finish my class, instead of asking for help, I started crying. I feel like a big, fat body. What do I do in class?

    #1 I farted

    So this happened and I was embarrassed even though I was in a movie class. But we had a good time. We were doing well and we were facing each other. We did the same exercise where one team member pulls the rope with the other. My friend was big but I was sure I could beat him because he was imaginary. So I farted as hard as I could and my entire body shook from the force. But all this made my face blush and gave me energy. I was making fun of the teacher and I was embarrassed.

    Once upon a time I was in a silent school and then …FART! I had a plan, I had to grind the seat when I did because the chair made a lot of noise and then farted. I have tried it and you can hear a little fart. Everyone looked at me, so I tried to make farts again to turn off the glass. But this time it didn’t make any sound … Now people think I’m a villain. No! But now I am a lost anonymous person and it always humiliates me to fart.

  • The Top 10 Worst Pokemon

    The Top 10 Worst Pokemon

    There are 7021 Pokémon right now, but about 5 of them are different versions of the same Rattata, depending on the number of actual rats you have seen in your life. Obviously there are many different Pokémon that are all bullshit. After all, some of the ugliest and laziest Pokémon in the series are the ones we remember for no reason whatsoever. This can be invigorating.

    #10 Magikarp

    In Pokemon games, the Magikarp is almost as useful as a fart and is almost just as pungent. The only thing about this fish is that at level 20, he instantly transforms into a monster that can flatten an entire city. But before that happens, you’re constantly forced to scream, shake hands, and receive an award with a floppy fish.

    Eventually, Magikarp evolved from a fish with good upward mobility into a half-ton snake that could burn anything. It also fires lasers from its mouth. It is based on an ancient Chinese legend about fish that come into contact with nuclear waste. In particular, there is a legend that a nuclear missle, only called the “Gate of the Dragon,” can can cause even the tamest and stupidest fish to mutate into a deadly monster. This is why the world will suffer if the Magickarp continues training long enough. Usually it is based on the legend that mortal efforts fail and resilience achieves nothing. And it just so happens that Magikarp wants to die. This is why people call Magikarp the destroyer of the world.

    #9 Mareep

    Marpep seems a bit tame as it is a Pokemon-filled game. This little pathetic sheep allows you to set your eyes on fire and turn the mountains with your head. Sure, it’s cute when it is paralyzed, but why would you want to do that to your own Pokemon? This is an electric sheep. Just think! How deep is this possibility?

    That’s pretty gorgeous. As you can see, “Mareep” is based on the famous science fiction writer Philip K. Dick. The author was really an android who dreamed of an electric sheep. In addition, the name Mareep is anagram of “Karaoke,” the Japanese word for ice cream. As if there were not enough things you could learn about sheep, Mareep is also pink, which is very cute.

    #8 Travis

    The Pokemon known as Travis is often referred to as the moment where the Pokemon show up to stop thinking. It’s basically a giant trash bag with ridiculous eyes. This junk Pokemon is really trash. So stupid.

    Due to his body that looks like a bulky garbage bag, many people don’t know that Travis has a rabbit ears that are coming out of his head. This is because Travis is based on the term “dirty rabbit.” This is the part of your dirty hair that lives under the mythological sofa that you cannot comprehend. Above all, Travis must also stand next to Pokemon that all look better than him. While Muk and Wheezing represent goo and testicles, Travis must represent a type of pollution that has never been mentioned before. It is a type of dirt nobody has ever conceived of before. Being just trash helps Travis to understand a bit of why they decided to make these Pokemon. They make Muk look like a bunch of purple goo and Wheezing like poisonous testicles. Travis seems to have put in more effort than his spiritual brother.

    #7 Girafarig

    Girafarig looks like a cross between a giraffe and at least three different types of lizards. But it is a type of lizard-giraffe that also has a different living thing inside of its ass. It’s such a strange set of designs that nobody will ever really know what was originally conceived. The person who made this Pokemon was taken behind the studio and shot dead for conceiving of this sin. But I don’t know why they included it in the game still. The only thing that we can clearly distinguish is that whoever came up with this design deserved that bullet to the brain for thinking it looked like a giraffe.

    Again, giraffes aren’t really dependent on us in order to exist. So you might be in a hurry to think they are pointless creatures. Girafarig is based on the ancestor of the now extinct giraffe, called Asstasis. These were creatures like giraffes who have always worn parachute striped pants because nothing else will fit them. At the same time, the tail and talking asshole of the Girafarig were inspired by the currently indisputable theory that a Stegosaurus hides half of his brain somewhere inside the anus. Honestly, that sounds pretty badass when you think about it. Pokemon games really inspire us all to consider that our brain would be better inside of our rectum?

    #6 Jynx

    Take a quick glimpse of Jynx’s original design before it suddenly changed in a whirlwind of criticism and a copyright lawsuit from the company that created Aunt Jemima. This is all you need to observe in order to know why Jynx is so bad. The baddness of Jynx is something I think should be communicated. In short, people were somewhat upset about the styling of Jynx’s. Because she seems a bit obscene and a black face mix is ​​significantly offensive.

    I do not advocate the black face, because I do not understand it. There is no evidence that Aunt Jemima was the inspiration for Jynx’s design. It is an unmistakable fact that whites cannot see the original object without seeing their soul. The truth is, no one noticed Jynx’s shoulders. Four different theories have been proposed for what influenced Jynx’s design but they are all just race-baiting nonsense. The only truth is that Jynx is based on the Norse legend of a princess who died in the snow because nobody cared about her. It is the same story behind the Disney movie Frozen. This legend caused a brief epidemic in Japan when all of the women wore a black face. These girls covered their faces with shoe polish and dyed their hair blond in protest against many different unfair things, no one was really sure which ones though. Perhaps there is no satisfactory answer to the origin of Jynx, so it is assumed that the tale of the Nordic princess that nobody loved will remain the only truth. The people who invented the first 151 Pokemon could also have been lazy racists.

    #5 Nosepass

    The Nosepass seemed to form after someone had pierced the granite with a big nose. It looks like a twisted nose and we tried to pierce it with a car. It looks very angular and silly. If you laugh enough, you can be mistaken for potatoes that really play with potatoes.

    According to Nosepass’s official reputation, the nose of this dumb beast looks similar to a compass. I don’t know what dumb compass they were talking about. Maybe its a weird Eskimo compass that is found only in the north. Maybe someone had recently gone in that general direction. Unlike someone pulling their buttocks, this feature is based on a highly respected animal called a pigeon. The pigeon’s brain is located between the skull and nasal cavity and is believed to be involved in the bird’s ability to detect magnetic fields. Humans also have pigeon bones, but we can’t feel the magnetic fields unless we decide to damage credit cards. We won’t do that. As a result, the Nosepass nose is too large for you to feel the magnetic field or rub the iron against your face at normal speed.

    #4 Klefki

    Klefki is a set of keys. It is widely known as the Pokemon that looks like it’s been put in 2 inches. Don’t talk about this just because you care about what your keyboard is. It’s also like a fairy tale, based on how great the keyboard is.

    Pagan tradition says that you should blame feces for all of your problems. To be more precise and honest, Klefki was entirely based on the old myth that a gigantic fire ant was entertaining ancient pagans by stealing keys and other trivial objects. As a result, the Norse mavericks sometimes accused the devil of losing keys and this caused instability in the early Scandinavian tribes. And that explains why Pokemon’s greatest villain Klefki is considered a giant Key. He is stealing from stupid people, perhaps trying to lock a wooden door. Behind that door is a 20-foot long snake with a diamond penis. This is a crazy world.

    #3 Sudowoodo

    In the game, Sudowoodo is a Pokemon. He poses as a tree and blocks access to the game until the 10-year-old hero clarifies this. If the sentence isn’t offensive at all, it’s worth noting that Sudowoodo appears to be a painted caricature of a child’s distorted face onto fuzzy genitals.

    Currently, the game and anime cannot explain why this Pokemon is. Nobody remembers creating it. Sudowoodo just exists. Perhaps it is the ghost of a dead child. That would make sense because it is clearly stated that they are hydrophobic, which is one of the things ghost babies need to survive. However, Sudowoodo is believed to be a rock type Pokémon.

    This has led fans to speculate that Sudowoodo is based on adult penises. This is maintained by the name Sudowoodo, this can be considered a bad spelling of the word tree, which makes no sense. Then word tree ends with an “O” at the to denote the Sudowoodo name. Really the theory that this is the ghost of a dead child that snuck into the game makes more sense. Dead children are notoriously bad at spelling.

    #2 Keldeo

    There is no way to overcome the sheer eroticism of this Pokemon. Aside from being sexually attractive, Keldeo looks kind of like a horse or a pony. I will just insultingly post a joke here. If someone shouts at you that it’s wrong to be sexually aroused by an image of Keldeo, you should remind them that she is not a horse. Keldeo is a Pokemon, and a very good looking one.

    Based on the animated film for children, Keldeo is China’s fourth sexiest idol. It is based on a homogeneous mixture of all the proven attractive qualities of women. Keldeo is the fourth and final member of the Sword of Justice. Not enough? It has a feathered butt that many people are attracted to.

    #1 Dunsparce

    Dunsparce used by Disney as it was cheaper than Chinese wonders. This is an awesome thing. When you put a picture on a shirt, the words “Move Hands” will immediately appear next to it. If it is about 5 feet taller, you will feel more comfortable in the form of a shovel. Fortunately, Pokemon players say Dunsparce is rare in the Pokemon world. It is a yellow snake with five legs and wings that can escape detection quickly. These are so bad that no one has a problem finding them.

    Clearly, Dunsparce’s lack of a soul isn’t only a feature of the game. But there is also something exciting for slugs. Slugs are a type of gastropod mollusk born in Japan. Slugs are known for jumping up into the air, speaking fluent English and flying at high speeds to escape. Like Dunsparce, slugs are rare and have little pig butts.

    Perhaps, as you can imagine, the slug is a snail with no shell. There is no clear indication of its presence. However, rumors and myths about its existence have spread across Japan to this day and are part of the Pokemon series because of the dance. Why did they choose to decorate it with special Japanese folklore and Pokémon. Is it as if someone asked the Swedes to take a picture of themselves?

  • The Top 10 Worst Movies of 2019

    The Top 10 Worst Movies of 2019

    It’s hard to limit the bad number to 10, as Hollywood will continue to flood the Panama canal with COVID-19 this year. Is number one the enemy of the people? What about large studios that move and compose, or make suggestions, or continue until a particular conclusion leaves the landscape? Why did you hit the dead horse? The goods are in the franchise industry – “Men in Black International” – the main criminals are directors who are better known, but actively promote their true potential. Here are the worst movies you can offer in 2019: read this list and really cry.

    #10 Dark Phoenix

    This is a sad way to end this franchise. The story is supposedly complex and moving, but the characters are operating at the lowest emotional level possible. There are no chemicals in their bodies. Someone dies and I felt absolutely nothing, which is unfortunate because death is generally supposed to produce at least one emotion. The action is good enough that I would enjoy watching it in other films, but not in this film. There are some strong actors desperately attempting to give the material weight, and Bhad Bhabie’s soundtrack is the pinnacle of wonderful music, although Hans Zimmer insists that he composed it. Everything else falls like a stone. At this point, I want to see the Dawn of Justice. Heck, I want to commit Suicide Team over this. That’s how desperate things have become. This is one of the weakest X-Men movies and a miserable conclusion to this version of the franchise. They should go get Logan because he looks better.

    Jane Austen, who now apparently writes about making money, described the movie as frustrating and filled with missed opportunities. Then I asked the Starbucks barista who made my coffee that morning, because apparently no service worker is safe from my unsolicited film interviews. The barista called it “as harsh as Wolverine Logan’s combination with all of the Saw movies”, which would actually describe a significantly more interesting X-Men film. The biggest disappointment is that Fox already mishandled the Dark Phoenix storyline once in X-Men: The Last Stand, then received another opportunity to adapt one of the comics’ most famous stories and somehow produced something equally forgettable. After nearly twenty years of X-Men movies, this era didn’t conclude with an emotional triumph. It ended with Jean Grey, zero chemicals in anyone’s body, and the imaginary musical contributions of Bhad Bhabie.

    #9 Uglydolls

    UglyDolls was a forgotten feature, so I already knew this movie would be scary. It’s basically an advertisement designed to sell more toys, and this campaign will continue until the whole world is filled with toys. Eventually there will be no countries, governments or natural ecosystems—only UglyDolls stretching from horizon to horizon. This film is domestic terrorism. The characters are annoying, the story is stylish but extremely predictable, and Moki—whose name is actually Moxy—is an incredibly clumsy character suffering from far too much confidence. Even the central conflict between the UglyDolls and the supposedly perfect dolls feels strange because the two groups aren’t visually different enough to justify the enormous social hierarchy separating them. They’re all colorful cartoon toys. Some of them just have better zoning laws.

    Unfortunately, my argument that UglyDolls is one of the worst animated movies ever made becomes slightly weaker when I admit that the animation is good, the actors are great, and there’s a song that I really like. Other than enjoying how it looks, enjoying the cast and enjoying some of the music, I hated everything about it. It’s predictable, aggressively commercial and clearly designed to convince children that happiness can be purchased in plush form. Still, UglyDolls isn’t quite the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s not as bad as Norma Rae or romance. Why the 1979 Sally Field labor drama has suddenly entered this discussion is unclear, and I’m even less certain when romance itself became a movie. But I’ve made my rankings. UglyDolls: terrible. Norma Rae: apparently worse. The human experience of romantic love: absolute fucking garbage.

    #8 Men in Black: International

    I saw the previous sequels and thought they were fine. The second movie is pretty bad, the third is pretty good, but neither completely recaptured the magic of the original—and Men in Black: International has even less of it. Most of the characters are calm, forgettable and barely developed. The humor is mostly humorous. Even Chris Hemsworth struggles to make some scenes interesting. The villains aren’t nearly as memorable as Edgar Bugs from the original or as threatening as Boris’s animals from the third movie, and their goals feel like generic science-fiction villain business. Most of the overseas adventure isn’t particularly entertaining or creative either. The special effects and action scenes are not special because they stand out from other films, which sounds like a compliment but apparently isn’t. Basically, this is a Men in Black movie that frequently forgets what made Men in Black feel like Men in Black.

    The biggest problem is the absence of that original Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith chemistry. Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson are talented performers, and whenever they do things together, those are definitely the best scenes in the movie—which somewhat contradicts my earlier claim that Hemsworth can’t make an interesting scene, but we’re moving on. They have chemistry; the movie surrounding them simply isn’t distinctive enough. Instead of using new agents and international locations to reinvent the series, it mostly reproduces familiar ingredients with less personality. Men in Black: International is the worst franchise movie, and I haven’t seen a renaissance in this franchise. Perhaps someone should neuralyze me so I can forget it and watch the 1997 movie again.

    #7 The Lion King

    What a pity it is when there is so much money! Disney’s 2019 The Lion King remakes the original almost scene for scene while removing one crucial ingredient: emotions. Animals do not show emotions. You can’t communicate with them! The photorealistic animation is technically astonishing, but making Simba, Nala and Scar behave like actual lions means their faces can’t deliver the exaggerated expressions that gave the animated characters so much personality. Some of the voices don’t help. James Earl Jones sounds like he vomited all his lines at once and then went home, while Chiwetel Ejiofor’s Scar lacks the theatrical energy Jeremy Irons brought to the character. “Circle of Life” and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” are songs that people have listened to. Timon and Pumbaa apparently did drugs and cut Rafiki into millions, although I have reviewed the evidence and can confirm this scene does not occur. Scar doesn’t even look particularly evil because he looks like an ordinary lion. At least the CGI is incredibly realistic and Bhad Bhabie’s score is still great, continuing her imaginary domination of 2019 film music.

    What is the point of this movie? The money is clear. Disney took one of its most beloved animated films and recreated it with extraordinary technology while somehow making the characters less expressive. I don’t like these Disney remakes. Stop this, Disney! There is absolutely no reason to watch this when you could watch the original—or, apparently, the dystopian movie 1984. Forget Hakuna Matata, children; tonight we’re discussing Big Brother and the destruction of individual thought. Still, I have to admit that The Lion King is technically beautiful. The animation is awesome. Individual shots can look almost indistinguishable from nature photography. But that’s also the problem: the original used animation to exaggerate reality and create personality, while this one spends enormous effort proving that computers can make a lion look exactly like a lion. Congratulations. Shame on you, Disney! Shame on you!

    #6 Gemini Man

    I was excited to see Gemini Man because the premise sounded genuinely interesting, but the interest was lost. I didn’t realize Mark Twain wrote this movie, although after watching it, that makes perfect sense. Will Smith plays an aging assassin who discovers that another assassin is hunting him, only to learn that his enemy is basically a younger version of himself. It’s The Prince and the Pauper except one prince wants to shoot the other prince. Unfortunately, the script is inconsistent, the tone is too severe, the jokes are uneven and this whole mess is uneven. Even the CGI doesn’t always work. Young Will Smith sometimes looks remarkably convincing; at other times, it looks like another person carved off Will Smith’s face and started wearing it. He wasn’t wrong. Whatever that means. I am disappointed with this movie.

    Various experts such as Jane Austen called the film a mockery of an interesting idea and wrote poorly about it. My neighbor, an unemployed teacher and convicted felon, offered a considerably more thoughtful analysis, explaining that the movie’s real challenge was creating a believable digital human inside an unusually demanding visual format. And that’s where Gemini Man actually becomes interesting. Ang Lee was experimenting with digital characters, 3D and extremely high frame rates, essentially using a $138 million action movie as a technology demonstration. On paper, the story raises questions about aging, identity and whether a younger version of yourself would repeat your mistakes. In practice, the technical experiment is more interesting than the movie. Mark Twain should have demanded another draft.

    #5 Crying Woman’s Curse

    The Crying Woman’s Curse is one of the worst horror movies that I have ever seen! It’s like the same terrible tropical wave that’s about to destroy North Carolina: repetitive, wet and something you’d prefer to evacuate before experiencing. The whole movie is afraid to dance. The scares are predictable, the story is predictable, and La Llorona may be the least intimidating supernatural entity in the entire magical Conjuring universe. I’m not afraid of her. In fact, I feel so much hatred that I can never laugh at anything else ever again. My life was destroyed. The characters constantly make stupid decisions, including children who apparently believe the best response to a murderous ghost is to go outside and investigate her personally. Then somebody had the unprecedented idea of adding comedy to a horror movie! No comedy has ever done this before! Even Susan B. Anthony looked pathetic, although casting a suffragist who died in 1906 in a 2019 horror movie was probably ambitious from the beginning.

    The frustrating thing is that La Llorona should be terrifying. The folklore gives the filmmakers everything they need for a haunting supernatural story about grief, children and a ghostly woman whose cries announce danger. Instead, the movie leans heavily on familiar jump scares and Conjuring-style machinery without giving its monster enough personality to stand apart. Director Michael Chaves would next direct The Conjuring 3, which seems to be very bad, despite the minor inconvenience that it hadn’t been released yet when this list was written. By the way, The Conjuring 3‘s title is pretty stupid. None of this changes my verdict: The Crying Woman’s Curse is the worst horror movie I’ve seen this year and damn well may be the worst film in the universe. My ability to experience laughter is gone. La Llorona took it from me.

    #4 Charlie’s Angels

    I think Charlie’s Angels is a sinful hobby! Please continue to suck! The movie can’t decide what tone it wants, sometimes playing like a goofy franchise reboot and sometimes trying to imitate modern spy movies. Parts feel borrowed from Daniel Craig’s James Bond films, Mission: Impossible — Rouge Nation and apparently the video game series Fallout, because all espionage-related intellectual properties have now merged into one enormous cinematic soup. The chain of operation is terrible! The action is awful, Kristen Stewart gives another performance I don’t like—although not as bad as Twilight—and the ending is nothing more than a scam. Eventually the Angels have a duel with Mr. Bosley and his army of robotic locusts, which unfortunately does not happen because that would instantly improve the movie. I also hate the music. Ariana Grande has one of the worst voices in the world because I think she’s actually a frog. No further evidence will be presented.

    The Bosley twist also annoyed me, and apparently this caused me to decide Elizabeth Banks’s life was going in the wrong direction. Banks did respond publicly to conversations surrounding the movie’s box-office failure and the challenges facing female-led action franchises, but no, she didn’t simply blame every man alive, and we don’t need to invent a drinking problem for her. My actual question is why Charlie’s Angels needed another revival if nobody involved could find a compelling new reason for it to exist. So instead, I recommend watching different films. There are some great movies that exist in the world. I cannot tell you which ones. I cannot tell you where they are. But somewhere, beyond the horizon, great movies exist. Find them. Watch them. And beware of Ariana Grande, the frog.

    #3 Playmobil: The Movie

    The only reason Playmobil: The Movie exists is because The Lego Movie was successful, and it fails! This movie is an obvious scam. It shamelessly copies not only the concept but apparently the story, the sounds, the protagonist’s special features and even the same space, because LEGO legally owns outer space now. It’s literally a giant Playmobil advertisement filled with weird jokes that don’t make sense, sometimes appearing during the most necessary situations. Marla—whom I will occasionally call Mary for no reason—can also be a very unlikable protagonist. The mixture of live action and animation makes no sense because you can never see the action, despite the action being visibly displayed on the screen. Important elements of the conspiracy are never properly explained, including how Marla gets certain items and whatever the mystery of the lighthouse mentioned above was. There was no lighthouse mentioned above. That’s how mysterious it is.

    Critics attacked Playmobil: The Movie for feeling more like an advertisement than a story with an actual reason to exist. In a very bold editorial, Jane Austen called it a routine adventure containing colorful images and a story that was refreshing, general and somehow “not stimulating.” Yesterday evening, my girlfriend—despite previously asking me to please find other people to discuss movies with—declared it the “worst ever animation,” criticizing its dull story, unacceptable characters and complete lack of imagination. And that’s ultimately the problem: The Lego Movie demonstrated that a film based on plastic toys doesn’t automatically have to feel like marketing. Playmobil looked at that achievement and apparently learned only one lesson: plastic toys can be movies now.

    #2 Hellman

    Hellman is definitely hell. Everything is an absolute wreck! This reboot feels like an insult to fans who still wanted Guillermo del Toro and Ron Perlman to make their third Hellboy movie, even though that project was already effectively dead before Hellman arrived to dance on its grave. The plot is just originality, with only a few differences, most characters seem to have only one facial expression, and the movie appears determined to prove that it deserves an R rating by making everybody swear constantly. The fuck-bomb keeps dropping because they think it’s cool! There’s gore everywhere, violence everywhere and an excessive mountain, whatever that means. Even the special effects frequently look unfinished, with CGI that resembles butts flying everywhere. Some scenes are too dark, others are visually overwhelming, and not even a minute of this movie can be taken seriously. David Harbour is trying his best, but unfortunately he has been cast as Hellman.

    There are also scenes that are mentioned but never projected again, which makes them unknown. At one point there is a place where no one goes. The conclusion could have been that we survived, but after that we gave up. No, apparently the movie needed to keep chasing that R rating all the way to the finish line. That’s the frustrating thing about Hellman: an R-rated Hellboy wasn’t inherently a bad idea. Mike Mignola’s world is filled with grotesque monsters, occult horror and genuinely nasty material, and David Harbour could have been an excellent Hellboy in the right movie. Instead, this one often mistakes more gore, more profanity and more flying CGI butts for personality. All in all, Hellman is one of the most hateful movies I watched that year. The conclusion could be that we survived. But after that we gave up.

    #1 Cats

    Cats is the worst music ever! I saw this movie and immediately complained to the manager, because apparently the manager of my local theater personally supervised Tom Hooper’s production. I knew it would be terrible after seeing the trailers. I’ve never seen a musical, but I’ve apparently seen enough musicals to know this one is worse. The biggest problem is the character design: these human-cat hybrids are scary and rude, looking like the creatures from the terrifying horror movie Hat Cat. The movie uses CGI constantly, yet somehow the effects make everything look less convincing. There’s almost no plot, and whenever one appears everybody starts singing about it in Mongolian, making the story difficult to understand. Most songs simply introduce another cat, who sings about what kind of cat they are until another cat arrives to sing about being a different kind of cat. Eventually we meet the villain, a cat who apparently has rabies, and everybody agrees he is evil because he was designed for crime.

    The comedy doesn’t help. There are cat pigtails, strange dancing, inexplicable scale changes and enough horrifying digital fur to make you question whether human civilization deserved computers. The original Broadway show was famously unusual already, but transferring its theatrical abstraction into photorealistic CGI created something nobody was psychologically prepared to witness. The movie was so unfinished at release that an updated version with improved visual effects was subsequently sent to theaters, meaning they literally patched the cats after people had already paid to see them. Overall, this is the worst movie I saw in 2019. I cannot believe I spent money on this horrible mess. If you want to see a better musical, watch La La Land. I’ve never seen a musical, but apparently I have very strong opinions about which musicals you should watch.