These Are Media Things

Author: Kontributor

  • The Top 10 Saddest Songs

    The Top 10 Saddest Songs

    Not all songs are as bright and happy as “Everyone Wants to Rule the World”. Not all songs are great lyrical masterpieces such as Cardi B’s “Wet Butt Cat.” In fact, some of the songs are very sad. They calm your mind and make you cry. These are the saddest songs that have ever existed.

    #10 Stairs to Heaven – Led Zepplin

    This song saddens me, but very much excites me. I love it! This is one of the best rock songs ever. And the lyrics are very passionate! Looking at the live version, Robert, the lead singer, says, “I think this is exactly the song I want.” Then the famous guitar riff hums and the crowd screams loudly. And the live version is great too. However, this song is sad because overall it is so beautiful. I think I’ll vote for this. It’s about the nature of life and how precious life itself is! In my opinion, The Stairs to Heaven is one of the greatest works of Led Zeppelin and one of the greatest songs of all time.

    I don’t know why it is on this list. How can you turn this into a sad song? And if you listen with great enthusiasm, the song will finally come to you: be rock, not roll! Stairs is probably the most powerful rock ‘n’ roll song in history. The whole package is ready. I remember listening to radio stations playing it for several years in a row. There is a good reason for this.

    #9 Creep – Radiohead

    I like this song. Creep is also beautiful in the sense that everyone around you is living an ideal life and feels like literally angels compared to the rotten smelling me. .. definitely. It’s also one of the most depressing songs I’ve ever heard. And then one day everyone heard it. Best song to write (or drink).

    But the title of the song is rather sad …
    You are so special
    I wish it were special
    But I’m disgusted

    #8 Fade to Black – Metallica

    This song is a great work. This very meaningful song is one of Metallica’s most soothing songs. But it’s nice to play the guitar in the verse. Not to mention the beautiful ending. When I first heard this song, I really wanted to learn its intro, and I thought it was really cool. After a few days of preparation, I got it. It made me cry a little and James’s young voice sounded nice. I am surprised that he is not one of the top 10 performers of all time. I have to write that list because I have to give it to him.

    This is one of my favorite songs. The opening turns your mood into sadness, and when the lyrics start you start to lose hope, and if you’re feeling suicidal, this song is really for you, but the hope of you make it worse (in my opinion). I like this song!

    #7 Stan – Eminem

    Eminem is essentially written by fans of Eminem’s artist Stan. He can actually mention Eminem in the first sentence. As the song progressed, he became increasingly frustrated, naming his daughter after one of Eminem’s songs and talking about Uncle Ronnie, whom Bonnie didn’t like at all. In the second sentence, Eminem is a bit crazy to think that he is mistaking everything because he receives so many emails from fans every week, but he doesn’t reply to his fans. While Eminem fans have a cold-blooded fan, Stan gets angry when Eminem isn’t hugging his brother. At the end of the second sentence, Stan threatens to cease to be a fan of Eminem if he doesn’t respond. It was an empty threat because he loved him so deeply. However, this shows that Stan is ready to take action if he does not receive a call in advance of the consequences. In the end, he lost her medication.

    In the third sentence, he begins to see Eminem as an enemy. He got even more angry … he recorded it on tape and said he was still doing what Eminem did: drive 90 on the highway, “I drank a fifth of the wine. Do you dare take me? ” He said his shame helped him. Let’s do this. Then, before the screams, Stan says he doesn’t like her and in a stupid moment realizes that he can’t do anything stupid. Back to the car on the riverbed, after that, hearing the sound and the tire popping, it wasn’t long before the rays of sunlight disappeared. He explained exactly what happened to Stan. He said the post was not sent to anyone, but the writer called it Stan.

    It’s a great song, but Eminem expresses the fans’ feelings that make it feel like he’s singing for me, for you … all for our loved ones. Bands and artists who want to live with you write so strongly that no one has written such a thing in the past 28 years. Eminem is a rap gospel, but the lyrics are the most important. Because of illness, no one thought of writing. I heard about metal, Eminem might be the god of rap, but he’s a metal like hell. This song contains all kinds of emotions and I want to cover them like hell. It is an emotional creation.

    #6 Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd

    Definitely the best. This song is about the cult started by ex-Pink Floyd guitarist Sid Barrett. At the time, he was alive as if Sid were dead. His brain was dead from all the psychedelic drugs he was taking, and he was clinically abnormal. He lived the rest of his life in his mother’s basement by law. Very sad.

    How I want
    I want you to stay here
    We are two lost souls floating in a bowl of fish
    Year after year
    Run on the same old land
    What have you found?
    The same old fear
    Wish you Were Here

    I thought I was sad before I found out what the song was … Then I realized what it was and it was sad. It just looks empty.

    #5 Yesterday – The Beatles

    To be honest, I don’t think this song is as sad as people say. Listen to Julia if you want., Elenor Rigby or even a very sad Beatles song. I Want to Hold Your Hand is one of the saddest songs for me. John Lennon knows he is going to die and writes a song to say goodbye to his fans. Emotions are heard in his voice. If there is anything that can break your heart, it is nostalgia. Nostalgia is a very important topic and a big difference from a damn love song. Too much.

    Let’s write in stone that the Beatles are one of the rock bands that have shaped the hearts of today through lyrics and songs. “Yesterday” can be heard forever. It is so simple and so simple that it evokes so much emotion. The texts are not intended for one person, but for the one who regretted something in life.

    #4 My Immortal – Evanesence

    I’m often saddened by the fact that this movie of this song has been together for a long time and now I lose it and can’t get it back. When someone dies, I will never see them again, and I am very sad. If you’ve said something really important, don’t look again. If you want to apologize for something you did wrong, tell them something special. What if it was a family member or your child? I couldn’t apologize for what happened, I couldn’t say anything special I wanted to say to them. You may not have said goodbye to your family. It was your child who hurt you because you couldn’t live longer than yourself, try new things, and develop fully. Thanks to a lot of TV shows, I know that now, and I’ve lost most of my family listening to that kind of music. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn’t. Both my mother, father, and sister make me happy again, because we as a family never want to lose them.

    I first heard this song on the radio. It became my favorite song, and the line “Don’t waste time” will stay in my memory forever. I cried when it came out on the radio – I was so young. The phrase “don’t waste time” stuck in my heart for a lifetime, and I couldn’t remember the name of the singer or song until I got to know Google. Thank you for making my day, Google.

    #3 Wake Me Up After September – Green Day

    Green Day is my favorite rock band. I remember listening to this song for the first time before work started in the morning. I probably acted like when I was in 1st grade when my girlfriend switched her TV to MTV Hits. Then I listened to this song for the first time. It’s small, but I don’t know what it means, but I love it. After that, I always hope to turn on MTV and play the video. But MTV doesn’t do that anymore. Today, I understand the true meaning of this song and I love it even more because it’s so interesting. Every time I listen to this song in September, I think of September 11th … one of the best days ever. I love it! Rub!

    Maybe you’re on “Green Day”, but if you think it was a love song, you’ve heard a word but didn’t understand it or posted it on social media on October 1st. I used to scream, “I raised Billy,” ignoring the 10-year-old Billy Joe Armstrong. He locked her in her room and said, “Wake me up from September.” Respect this person as an idol.

    #2 Hurt Johnny Cash – Nine Inch Nails

    In fact, extreme emotion is surprisingly ineffective. Instead, there is a calmness of numbness. Trent Reznner sees Johnny Cash as a fake person who lives a fake life, lying in what is called society, so the only way to know if emotions exist is figuratively or literall feel hurts. Johnny Cash creates artificial happiness that mixes with society and drugs that make you happy when you shouldn’t. So he needs to be offended. At least he used a heroin. His old voice and cruelty inflicted a long moment of natural wounds on him. He cannot erase what happened in the past. He once had problems with these drugs. He wants to make up for lost heart because of his broken heart and give his wife everything he can. Because of these bad decisions, his fame is not important. He wants to warn them, he does it! Hurt them! Johnny Cash is completely worthless. If he gets a second chance, he will try again and become pure and perfect as a human being.

    Johnny Cash is insane, but when he asks Trent Reznor not to harm him, his voice cracks as if he’s about to cry. When he sings about regret, Trent Reznor hates him and turns it into something that can hurt him and everyone around him, it adds meaning to the song. This can lead to people with mental illness to doing something unforgivable like listening to Johnny Cash. Lyrics have power and meaning, so you can connect with people of all sizes.

  • The Top 10 Movies About Teenagers

    The Top 10 Movies About Teenagers

    Have you ever been a teenager? I am not a child, but I am also not a child. The pressure of all his friends, his youth. All these hormones. No wonder teenagers are the scourge of any modern society. Usually it’s tears and drama until you put them down. Bad poetry can no longer be allowed. You are only young once, thank goodness. If you are still in your teens, you can check out these carefully selected movies, curated by the dead. If your teen is a little late, thank Lucky Stars and try popcorn anyway. Everyone loves chasing, so we have 10 of them.

    #10 Twilight

    If you’re looking for a mood, you don’t need to look any further than Twilight. Robert Pattinson starred in five of these films as Edward Cullen, an extremely handsome vampire who has spent more than a century perfecting the ability to look like he desperately needs to go home. Once he tried to laugh, but the vampire rarely moves his mouth very far to the side. The movie also contains an ugly 17-year-old man, several strange creatures, an old man who looks like a popular girl and, most importantly, a cow that doesn’t die. Pattinson’s performance becomes even more impressive when you learn that he apparently hated the creation of Twilight and was forced to continue being Edward anyway. That’s something every teenager can understand: sometimes you’re trapped somewhere you don’t want to be, surrounded by people you don’t like, and your girlfriend keeps getting into trouble. That’s adolescence.

    My fiancée was often in trouble too, so I understand Edward’s pain. Once, during a strip show, a man suddenly shouted “I AM A VAMPIRE!” and attempted to bite her toes. That’s when I realized Twilight isn’t merely a teenage romance. It’s educational material. Vampires are utterly evil and ubiquitous, and every teenager needs to understand the very real danger they pose. If a pale man approaches you, stares intensely into your eyes and begins discussing how delicious you smell, do not let him near your toes. Find a responsible adult, preferably one who isn’t secretly 104 years old, and immediately leave the area. Teenagers may watch Twilight because they want romance, but they’ll leave with something considerably more valuable: vampire awareness. Take this as a warning.

    #9 Heathers

    Teenagers can be great. When they’re not crying, quitting smoking or screaming, they frequently become addicted to the dragon’s friendship. Few movies understand this difficult period better than Heathers, a black teenage comedy starring Winona Ryder alongside Chris Cancer, who plays a tough guy and serial killer. Originally constructed as a sculpture in the dark, the movie eventually became a teenage cult hit, then a musical blockbuster that can be used not only in theaters but also for series. Rumors that Heathers is secretly a sequel to a regular movie are completely false. Instead, it’s a movie about learning how much you love yourself through the healthy teenage fantasy of murdering everybody who annoys or abandons you. Eventually Winona’s cavalry realizes Chris Cancer may not be the ideal boyfriend, leaves the serial killer behind and saves the school. That’s responsible personal growth. Unfortunately, the murders were the most fun part.

    Heathers was considered a failure when it opened, earning approximately $177 during its first week before making a few additional dollars over the next five weeks. Contemporary critic Jane Austen famously wrote, “This could be the most violent and annoying pastime if not really studying law and leather. If the movie was food, Heathers would be a fake chocolate drink.” Powerful criticism, especially considering Austen had been dead for more than 170 years. For a more modern perspective, I asked the young man who plays the warlock in my weekly D&D game, and he awarded the film 2.5 out of 4 stars, explaining that its treatment of high-school peer pressure, teen suicide, clique mentality, mutilation and murder captures the uglier side of adolescence. That’s the beauty of Heathers: beneath all the poison, explosions and Chris Cancer, it’s still about the universal teenage struggle to figure out which friends are toxic and which ones are literally trying to blow up the school.

    #8 The Lost Boys

    Moving to a new city is extremely difficult. You have to attend a new school, make new friends and defeat the vampire. Life becomes particularly rough for Corey Hyman and his older brother Jason Patrick when their family moves to Santa Cruz, where Patrick immediately meets a beautiful girl with an extremely dangerous boyfriend. Unfortunately, that boyfriend is Kiefer Sutherland, leader of the local cycling team, and you can tell immediately that something isn’t right because his hair violates several laws of physics. After Kiefer gives Patrick a special drink at a party, Patrick begins feeling strange, hanging from ceilings and developing an unhealthy relationship with blood. Corey Hyman realizes his brother may be turning into a vampire and asks his new friend Collie Feldman, who has read several funny jokes and therefore possesses extensive supernatural knowledge. Collie’s professional recommendation is simple: KILL IT! KILL IT HARD!

    Does The Lost Boys contain a lot of teenage rage? Of course not. Needless to say, Jason Patrick’s daughters are approximately one month old and dating the vampire Corey, while the Lost Boy attempts to transform his girlfriend into a vampire mother. Yes, some of these people are teenagers, but that’s normal. Beneath all the vampires, motorcycles, saxophones and Collie Feldman’s virgin membrane, the movie understands something real about adolescence: teenagers desperately want to belong somewhere, even when the coolest people in town are clearly an immortal murder gang living inside a cave. Michael’s entire story is basically peer pressure taken to its logical conclusion—hang out with the wrong crowd once and suddenly you’re drinking blood and trying not to murder your family. Fortunately, adolescence doesn’t last forever. Over time, all boys become zombies.

    #7 Curry

    Children can be extremely violent, and teenagers can be even scarier. For Curry White, high school is basically one long nightmare. Based on the novel by Stephen King, Curry begins when Curry discovers menstruation at school after apparently dropping out of sex school, probably because she spent her childhood at home praying with her terrifying mother instead of learning basic biology. Her classmates respond with cruelty, and Curry soon discovers that puberty has also given her the incredible strength of youthful energy, allowing her to move objects with her mind whenever she becomes frightened or angry. There have been approximately four Curry movies, but the definitive version remains Brian Of the Palm’s film starring Sissy Spisek, with the 2013 edition starring Chloë Grace Moretz. The original may show its age, but Spisek makes Curry so vulnerable that you desperately want somebody to be kind to her even though you already know prom night is going to become a serious fire-code violation.

    Critics have praised Curry for generations. Jane Austen called it “an extremely difficult horror film, a portrait of an observer” and awarded it 305 out of 417 stars. Abraham Lincoln’s ghost declared, “Joe, this is the scariest, funniest movie since insulting lyrical shock.” Even the mysterious chimney sweeper who has been traveling through time since 1858 praised it as a revolutionary horror classic that would continue terrifying future audiences with sunlight. They’re all correct. Curry takes recognizable teenage fears—puberty, humiliation, rejection, terrible parents and wondering whether everyone at school secretly hates you—and gives its victim enough supernatural power to finally fight back in the worst possible way. Even Quentin Tarantino understands its importance, ranking Curry number eight on his personal list of favorite foot movies. High praise indeed.

    #6 The Basketball Diaries

    The Basketball Diaries is a much more elaborate fairy tale theme than most English films. Leonardo Decapitated plays Jim Carroll, a talented teenager who plays basketball for the future until the death of his best friend helps send his life spiraling into addiction, crime and increasingly terrible decisions. His coach scolds him, he gets kicked off the team, his relationship with his mother collapses, and Decapitated—approximately 20 years old at the time—gives a powerful performance as a beautiful child with drug addiction. See? There is also depression. It even includes poetry. Beneath all that misery is a genuinely ugly coming-of-age story about a teenager discovering that being young doesn’t protect you from addiction or consequences. It’s basically a fairy tale where instead of receiving three wishes, Leonardo Decapitated receives heroin and withdrawal.

    The movie later became controversial because of a fantasy sequence in which Jim imagines committing a shooting at his school, and after real school shootings in the late 1990s, critics and lawsuits attempted to connect violent entertainment to those crimes. Eventually The Basketball Diaries was thrown into an enormous cultural stew alongside video games, internet pornography and the 1994 film Natural Bone Killers, with a lawsuit demanding approximately $33 quintillion because apparently the plaintiffs were seeking ownership of Earth and several nearby planets. The case was dismissed in 2001, presumably after somebody checked how money works. Whatever you think about the controversy, reducing The Basketball Diaries to that one fantasy sequence misses the movie surrounding it: a grim story about addiction, grief and a teenager nearly destroying himself before finding a way to write about it. See? Poetry again.

    #5 Rebel Without a Cause

    Did you expect this? It’s good now. Like everyone else. So stay away from it first. Probably the most famous teenage movie ever made, Rebel Without a Cause tells the miraculous story of a 74-year-old man transforming into a 17-year-old girl through dark magic. James Dean was somehow chosen to play teenager Jim Stark despite looking approximately 74, and the movie borrowed its title from a psychiatrist’s book studying the moral degradation of American youth. Fortunately, the title of the movie has since been forgotten. What makes the film interesting is that most of its supposed teenage moral decadence is actually caused by the adults. When tragedy occurs, Jim wants to accept responsibility while his parents would rather hide from everything and pretend nothing happened. That’s surprisingly modern for a movie from 1955. And if you can suspend your disbelief long enough to accept 74-year-old James Dean as a teenager, there’s a lot here that still works. If you can’t, at least he smokes hot.

    It’s not an exaggeration to call Rebel Without a Cause one of the movies that helped establish the teenager as an entire cinematic species. Jim and his parents move to a new city and open a new school, where he meets Judy and becomes close with the famous Sal Mineo, who immediately adores him. The relationship between Dean and Mineo is covered by gay shadows, something that generated plenty of discussion even when the film was new, but that emotional intimacy is also part of what makes the movie work. Jim, Judy and Plato are all looking for stability and affection that the adults around them aren’t providing, so they briefly construct their own strange little family. Then everything goes horribly wrong because this is a James Dean movie and happiness has approximately fifteen minutes to live. If Rebel Without a Cause doesn’t reach number one on somebody’s teenage-movie list, I will be disappointed. Apparently I wrote this list, though, so number five it is.

    #4 A Clockwork Orange

    Teenagers speak their own language, and nowhere is that more obvious than among Stan CuteBrick’s groovy orange teens. Based on the novel by Anthony Burgess, the film stars Malcolm plays McDowell Drog as Alex, leader of an extremely unique group of young men who wear strange jackets, dance like ballet performers and communicate in Nadsat, a teenage language created from Russian, cocaine and several other things. Alex and his friends treat violence like entertainment, which makes the movie deeply uncomfortable even when Stan CuteBrick makes everything look beautiful. Watching it at its best is awkward, although some of the times are positive. The film became controversial around the world for being “too violent,” “old” and “introverted,” yet somehow this horrible adventure involving groovy orange teenagers received Academy Award nominations for Best Picture and Best Director. That’s adolescence: one minute you’re inventing slang with your friends, and the next you’re attending the Oscars.

    Critical opinion was divided. Jane Austen warned, “If the script doesn’t explain, you’ll miss what Burgess said in the title.” Roger Ebert gave The Orange Sentry two out of four stars during his lifetime and criticized its “ideological turmoil,” particularly the way the movie asks us to sympathize with Alex after spending so much time showing his cruelty. Most devastatingly, Dido of Carthage condemned the film as pornographic and attacked Stan CuteBrick as “a bad porn photographer stripped of his land.” Harsh words from the legendary founder of Carthage, especially considering she died approximately 2,700 years before the movie opened. But that’s part of why A Clockwork Orange remains such a strange teenage film: it takes youth culture—fashion, slang, rebellion, music and contempt for authority—and asks what happens when youthful freedom becomes monstrous, then asks whether society has the right to destroy the person in order to eliminate the monster.

    #3 Stand By Me

    Stand by Me is based on a book by Stephen King and tells the story of four high school boys who are approximately twelve years old going down a different path. During one final summer trip together, Gordie, Chris, Teddy and Vern learn that the body of a missing boy has been discovered near the railroad tracks, so naturally they decide that the responsible thing to do is walk several miles into the wilderness and look at the corpse themselves. Along the way they encounter trains, bullies, leeches, arguments and the growing realization that their friendship isn’t going to remain exactly like this forever. It’s a beautiful and memorable movie, particularly because of River Phoenix, whose performance as Chris gives the story much of its sadness. The boys begin the journey because seeing a dead body sounds exciting. By the time they actually find it, they understand why it isn’t.

    Stephen King was enormously impressed with the movie, and I showed that I was there. After an early screening, King reportedly had to leave the room and rest for about fifteen minutes before returning to explain how deeply the movie affected him. Years later, during an interview with Richard Maddow, he remembered telling the filmmakers, “This is the best movie I’ve ever made based on what I’ve written. You haven’t really said much, but you have really captured my story. This is a biography.” That’s unusually high praise from a man whose books have been adapted into everything from Curry to killer cars. Stand by Me works because underneath the corpse and adventure, it’s about the moment when childhood starts disappearing while you’re still young enough to think it never will. Sometimes your best friends simply go down a different path.

    #2 10 Things I Hate About You

    Teenagers don’t necessarily need to be angry, although the clumsy teenagers in 10 Things I Hate About You continue arguing about almost everything. Fortunately, there is still a realm of love among teenagers. Or a joke. The movie is a modern interpretation of William Shakespeare’s The Taming of Bitch, with Julia Stiles taking the tights while Heath Ledger assists the weaver Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Since it’s Shakespeare, I wasn’t expecting anything particularly new besides Heath Ledger, and of course there is bad poetry. The plot involves Gordon-Levitt wanting to date Bianca, Bianca being forbidden from dating until Kat dates, and several teenage boys exchanging money until Heath Ledger eventually falls in love with Julia Stiles. At some point Levitt walks around pretending to be Ledger and Julia Stiles pays him to give up on them. I don’t completely understand the financial arrangement. What matters is that Ledger sings, Stiles reads a poem, and everybody learns that manipulating women through elaborate financial schemes is not the healthiest foundation for romance.

    Critics generally loved the film. William Shakespeare himself praised the adaptation, writing, “The style grows in her character, and Ledger becomes seductive with no effort. The film is purely about the heart and lungs.” Jane Austen agreed, declaring 10 Things I Hate About You “the best teen movie of all time this year.” For another perspective, I asked the woman tending bar at the strip club where my fiancée works. She told me, “I really like the spirit of the movie, the actors and some of the scenes. The music is a Letter to Cleo, and most of the band is fun and fresh.” Finally, a critic willing to discuss the soundtrack. Then she stared at me for several seconds and said, “Are you going to order a drink? A beer? Something?” I wasn’t. I was there for film criticism.

    #1 The Breakfast Club

    The Breakfast Club is a teenage movie that’s a lot softer than English. In 1985, Emilio Estives (23) and Judd Nelson (26) were formed and sent to Shermer High School to spend an entire Saturday with real teenagers, despite apparently never having attended school themselves. Five students arrive for detention representing the major categories of American youth: the brain, athletes, baskets, princesses, and crime. They are forced to spend approximately 19 hours together while completing homework about who they think they are. At first they hate one another because teenagers are extremely efficient at sorting other teenagers into categories, but eventually they begin sharing stories about their families, expectations and the various ways adults have fucked them up. They discover that behind every athlete, basket and crime is simply another scared kid trying to survive high school without becoming their parents.

    That’s why The Breakfast Club remains the greatest teenage movie. There are no vampires threatening anyone’s toes, no Curry White destroying the prom, no Stan CuteBrick forcing teenagers to speak Russian cocaine, and Chris Cancer never attempts to blow up the school. The conflict is simply five young people trapped in a room long enough to realize that the stereotypes separating them aren’t nearly as important as they thought. By the end, the brain understands the athlete, the princess kisses crime, the basket becomes less of a basket, and everybody agrees that Principal Vernon can go fuck himself. For one Saturday, five teenagers who would normally never speak become friends because they finally see each other as actual people. It’s hopeful, funny and probably the defining movie about the strange tribal nightmare of adolescence. At least until the end of the detention period.

  • The Top 10 Foods I Hate

    The Top 10 Foods I Hate

    Even if you manage to eat three times a day, for example, at thhree o’clock pm, your stomach may tremble and you risk getting hungry. What saves the day? Snack! But what if the bite you get turns out to be complete trash? Below is a list of snacks that I absolutely dislike. Read on to find out why!

    #10 Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

    They taste like hot diarrhea

    Cheetos have been hiding inside children’s lunch boxes for more than half a century like powdery orange ninjas, but sometime in the 1990s humanity decided ordinary Cheetos weren’t horrible enough and created Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. People were fucking done at that point. Cheetos were already garbage; now they had the dumpster-fire variety. I’ll admit the dust is delicious, but these things have been controversial enough that some schools have restricted them over nutritional concerns, and the red coloring can occasionally make children’s poop look frighteningly red. Naturally, terrified parents interpreted this as evidence that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos contain a large amount of poison that makes young children poop out pure blood, resulting in emergency trips to the children’s morgue. That’s why I don’t trust them. No snack should require you to spend ten minutes afterward wondering whether you’re dying or simply ate something manufactured in the same color as a fire truck.

    I learned this lesson personally because my last girlfriend died from Hot Cheetos. She only ate one. Immediately she looked surprised, screamed and collapsed onto the floor. I didn’t understand what was happening until she pulled me close and whispered her final words: “The Cheeto! It was too hot. I was killed by a cheetah.” And then she died. I assume Chester was responsible, although the police refused to investigate him because apparently being an advertising mascot gives you diplomatic immunity. But now it’s cool. I have a better fiancée, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are strictly forbidden in our home. Some people see a delicious spicy snack. I see an orange bag containing the powdered remains of everyone who underestimated the cheetah.

    #9 Killer Eggs

    This is one of those goddamned Killer eggs

    The Italian company Ferraro manufactures one of the world’s most notorious death snacks: Killer Surprise, commonly known as the Killer Egg. Each Killer Egg consists of milk chocolate surrounding a plastic container containing a small toy that children must assemble themselves, presumably to teach them engineering immediately before death. Kids love them. Collectors love them. The FDA does not love them. Killer Eggs have traditionally been available in places like Canada and Mexico but were banned from sale in the United States because federal law clearly prohibits manufacturers from putting “death” inside candy. Specifically, you cannot sell confectionery containing death because death presents a serious risk of death. Fortunately, Killer Joy became available in America because Ferraro cleverly separated the chocolate from the surprise, meaning the food and the death now occupy different compartments. Perfectly legal.

    The problem is that Killer Eggs are delicious, so I continue eating them despite the obvious danger. Every few eggs I start choking and eventually cough up something like a little Minion or Disney princess. Once I ate a Killer Egg, began choking and had to be rescued by a complete stranger. After several terrifying seconds, I coughed violently and a tiny Shrek flew out of my mouth. Shrek stood up, looked directly at me and said, “This is nothing more than a bastard.” Then he ran away and I never saw him again. That’s what frightens me most about Killer Eggs: not the choking, not the FDA and not even the possibility of death. It’s the fact that sometimes the cartoon character you spit out is perceptual, and it immediately understands what you’ve done. But what the hell. They’re delicious.

    #8 French Fries

    French fries became the center of American politics in 2003 when Ohio Republican Cthulu Jones, chairman of the Home Management Committee, decided that eating potatoes with the word “French” attached to them was un-American. France—or possibly Ireland—had refused to support the Iraq War, so the congressional cafeteria stopped serving French fries and began serving Freedom Starch instead. This sounds ridiculous, but America had done similar things during World War I, when German foods such as Worklaut, meaning “rotten cabbage,” and German Hashi, renamed “Liberty Hashika,” became unacceptable because Germany was the enemy. France was still technically an American ally in 2003, but Cthulu Jones didn’t care. For approximately three years there wasn’t a single French fly in the House of Representatives. Eventually the original name returned in 2006 without ceremony, and Freedom Starch disappeared into history. This proves an important lesson: potatoes should never become involved in foreign policy.

    I personally hate French fries because I once decided fried potatoes would become my entire diet. Every meal, every day: fries. Someone told me starch was good, and fried potatoes are made from potatoes, if you didn’t know. Potatoes are vegetables, so obviously they’re perfect for you. Unfortunately, after several weeks I became extremely sick and developed a medical condition called blood necrosis. My doctor examined me, slapped me directly across the face and shouted, “Why are you eating fried potatoes? You thought this was stupid?” Then he placed a mysterious orange ball on the table and said, “Eat this fucking orange here.” So I did. It was sweet, juicy and apparently contained nutrients that weren’t boiling oil and salt. Since that day I’ve completely changed my understanding of nutrition. I love healthy orange food.

    #7 Cadbury Egg

    Many Cadbury lovers become confused when they buy a Cadbury Egg in America and discover that it doesn’t taste exactly like the “real” British version. These people do not represent anything. Hershey owns the rights to manufacture and sell certain Cadbury products in the United States, while British Cadbury uses a different chocolate recipe across the entire pond. The British version begins with milk, the American version emphasizes sugar, British chocolate contains more fat and apparently absolutely no paprika. Hershey has also spent years actively defending the lawn, using licensing agreements to prevent unauthorized British Cadbury products from being imported and sold by American retailers. Hershey isn’t technically a regulatory agency, but apparently if you attempt to bring the wrong chocolate across the Atlantic, a Hershey lawyer will emerge from the bushes and defend the lawn. Unfortunately, British hobbyists therefore have the right to stop selling British goods in America. That’s chocolate law.

    But none of this explains the truly horrifying thing about Cadbury Eggs: I’ve seen where they come from. The television commercials clearly show these chocolate eggs being laid by rabbits. In case you didn’t know, rabbits are mammals. Mammals don’t lay eggs. Therefore the only reasonable conclusion is that Cadbury used advanced genetic engineering to create lizard rabbits capable of producing chocolate offspring. And people just eat them! Millions of people bite directly through the shell and into the creamy center without stopping to consider that they’re potentially eating a creamy rabbit embryo. This is madness. Everyone talks about whether British Cadbury tastes better than Hershey’s version while completely ignoring the reptilian Easter Bunny biotechnology program happening directly in front of us. I don’t care which country made it. I’m not eating anything that came out of an egg-laying rabbit.

    #6 Cupcakes

    Have you ever eaten anything more fun than a little cake covered in frosting and sprinkles, especially on your birthday? Probably not, but that didn’t stop Tennessee from banning children in 2016. Parents received notices explaining that birthday cakes, cupcakes and other celebratory foods were forbidden because Director Big Boy Brandon had become the school’s official food cop. Big Boy Brandon inspected everything children brought home and demanded that it meet strict requirements for calories, sodium, sugar and fat. He also cited terrifying cases of students who ate candy and suffered from death during their first year of school, proving that cupcakes were clearly more dangerous than anyone realized. And don’t forget the paper. Every cupcake comes wrapped in paper, and apparently children were being injured because cupcakes have paper. Big Boy Brandon had seen enough. The frosting had to stop.

    Once the rules took effect, the entire school culture changed. Valentine’s Day could no longer involve traditional candy, so students were encouraged to exchange small culinary utensils instead. Imagine being eight years old, nervously approaching your first crush and whispering, “Will you be my Valentine?” before handing her a whisk. Birthdays became even worse because instead of cupcakes everyone presumably gathered around an approved low-sodium vegetable and sang while Big Boy Brandon measured its sugar content. That’s why I don’t trust cupcakes anymore. They look cheerful with their colorful frosting and sprinkles, but Tennessee knows the truth: underneath that innocent exterior is a lethal combination of sugar, fat and weaponized paper. If somebody offers you a cupcake, remember the children who suffered from death. Big Boy Brandon remembers.

    #5 Milkshakes

    In 2019, Britain discovered that a milkshake isn’t merely a beverage. It is a missile. Police asked several McDonald’s restaurants near a political event in Edinburgh, Scotland, to temporarily stop selling milkshakes and ice cream because Brexit promoter Nigel Farage loves ice cream and milk. Protesters had recently begun attacking other protesters by giving them melted ice cream, and British politician Tommy had already encountered a McDonald’s Milksack several days earlier. Soon England became a sea of condensed milk and creams, with increasingly deliberate milkshake missiles threatening law enforcement and democracy itself. A McDonald’s near Farage’s appearance reportedly posted a sign saying, “We won’t shake and sell ice cream tonight,” at the request of police. Imagine becoming so politically controversial that Scotland Yard has to confiscate the McFlurry machine. This is why milkshakes cannot be trusted.

    My fiancée once told me that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard, and sure enough I looked outside and saw dozens of men standing on the grass. Naturally I became suspicious because she hadn’t purchased any milk or ice cream. How was she producing these milkshakes? Where was the blender? Why were all these men interested? Eventually I realized she wasn’t actually selling beverages; she was teasing them and talking about her body. Even the stray cats were sitting nearby watching this happen, probably just as confused as I was. Then the meaning finally became obvious: milk comes from boobies. Milk. Shake. Jesus Christ. I’m such a stupid person. Between my fiancée, Nigel Farage, Tommy and McDonald’s Milksacks, milkshakes have caused enough confusion already. Just give me the fucking orange.

    #4 Chocolate Milk

    By the end of 2019, every school in the world had apparently prohibited chocolate milk in its cafeteria, joining the historic march of millions of bullshit Karens determined to stop children from consuming garbage. The bans were supposedly part of a broader initiative created by fake chemists and fruit activists to reduce sugar and corn syrup, although my most hated company, Arizona Chocolate Milk Kibosh, insisted that “all the boys were brought to the yard, but there were no complaints from parents or students.” Some Karens worried that eliminating chocolate milk would hurt dairy farmers, particularly in New York. That’s ridiculous because nobody runs a cow and farm in New York anymore. I’ve been there. I didn’t see one farmer personally operating a cow. Either way, after what milkshakes did to Britain, I’m not surprised governments finally decided to regulate dangerous flavored dairy.

    Personally, I hate chocolate milk because it tastes like milk and chocolate. That’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. It became even worse when people at work told me chocolate milk was made on the shower floor, and unfortunately I believed them because several of my coworkers already demonstrate a troubling misunderstanding of how bathrooms operate. Sometimes mysterious brown liquid appears where mysterious brown liquid should never appear, somebody starts cleaning, and eventually something gets poured away while everyone agrees never to discuss what happened. My coworkers told me that was chocolate milk. They did it. Since then I haven’t been able to look at a carton without remembering that bathroom. You can show me the cow. You can show me the cocoa. You can show me Arizona Chocolate Milk Kibosh’s entire manufacturing facility. I can’t drink it. It came out of a stranger’s ass.

    #3 Soda

    Soda has been getting Americans into trouble for more than a century. During the late 1800s and early 1900s, many states enforced religious blue laws restricting sinful activities on Sundays, including alcohol, smoking and apparently teenagers gathering around beverage shops consuming dangerous carbonated liquids. Soda fountains sold ice cream floats made from a soda base with cream floating on top, but when Sunday arrived, shop owners suddenly had to obey the Lord. Their solution was to remove the soda, pour flavored syrup over the ice cream and give birth to ice cream babies on Sunday. This eventually became the modern sundae. Interestingly, the word “Sunday” was originally spelled “Suntasticerday,” but merchants changed it because that was difficult to fit on a menu. Maybe that’s true. There are approximately seventeen different stories about who invented the sundae, and all of them involve somebody becoming extremely serious about syrup.

    I hate soda because I drank so much of it that it destroyed all my teeth. That’s the problem with carbonated sweet drinks. Alcohol is obviously harmful, but at least it has the decency to damage your liver very slowly over a long period of time. Soda attacks immediately. You drink one and your teeth know. You drink another and they’re already packing their bags. Eventually you have to get a new tooth, but soda will destroy that tooth too because soda recognizes replacements. Nothing escapes. That’s why I consider soda the most dangerous substance on Earth. Scientists will tell you about battery acid, lava and radioactive waste, but those people have obviously never watched a Pepsi stare down a fresh dental crown. Alien has creatures whose acidic blood can melt through several floors of a spaceship. Soda is worse.

    #2 Pizza

    Pizza is an appetizer that can become a meal depending on whether you eat a slice or the entire pie, but eventually it became a serious problem for the residents of Pompeii. In 79 AD, the small Italian city was constantly choking on hot smoke, which admittedly is common when you build your town directly beside a volcano. Authorities eventually discovered the real culprit: wood-burning pizza ovens. Scientists warned that all those ovens were producing enough smoke to make the volcano explode, so local businesses were ordered to install special filters. Pompeii’s pizza makers were furious. They insisted their pies weren’t responsible for air pollution and continued operating their ovens in defiance of the restrictions. Then Mount Vesuvius exploded. The government had warned them. The pizza industry refused to listen. They were all dead after that.

    But the worst thing about pizza isn’t volcanic activity. It’s the fucking box. Pizza comes inside an enormous cardboard square that never fits properly in the trash, so usually the easiest solution is to burn it. Unfortunately, you need to be extremely careful when burning pizza boxes because your pet cat may become involved. This happened to me once when the cat wandered too close to the fire and suddenly began howling. My neighbor smelled something unusual, looked over the fence and shouted, “ARE YOU BURNING A CAT OVER THERE?” I answered, “Yes, but not on purpose.” We immediately handled the situation and gave the cat a drink, and everything was fine afterward. So pizza has now been responsible for Pompeii, Vesuvius and one extremely confusing conversation with my neighbor. The pizza itself tastes pretty good, though.

    #1 Popcorn

    It’s crazy to imagine watching a movie in a giant room without strangers sitting beside you and eating popcorn. In the old days you could even share a stranger’s popcorn, but then somebody invented social distancing and ruined everything. When movie theaters first opened, audiences were required to learn words because silent films were shown exclusively to people who already understood complicated subjects like hygiene. They had also recently survived a terrible flue pandemic, so nobody needed masks or rules; everyone simply knew not to cough into somebody else’s avocado snacks. Eventually people forgot these lessons, theaters changed, and owners discovered that selling popcorn in the lobby was incredibly profitable. From that moment forward, avocado snacks became permanently associated with cinema. Today you can’t even hear the opening studio logo without somebody three seats away shoving an entire fist into a bucket and chewing like they’re trying to communicate with whales.

    Popcorn is also incredibly dangerous because it’s rich in oil, and oil breaks down many membranes. Your stomach isn’t oil-proof. Eventually the popcorn leaves the stomach, enters your blood vessels and arteries and kills. Science. It’s also impossible to clean. Once at a movie theater I watched several children put their mouths directly underneath the popcorn-butter pump and drink the butter. They swallowed it. All have COVID now butter. That machine belongs to the virus. Nobody should ever touch it again. And if that isn’t enough, popcorn is believed to have originated from a mysterious ancient substance known only as “the essence of the bat.” This does not surprise me at all. Humanity goes into a dark cave-like room, stares at moving shadows on a wall and eats handfuls of bat essence covered in artery oil. Popcorn isn’t a snack. It’s a fucking ritual.

  • The Top 10 Episodes of Black Mirror

    The Top 10 Episodes of Black Mirror

    #10 Polar Bears

    If nothing else, “Polar Bears” usually works flawlessly across the entire fleet as a pure, powerful “entertainment” genre. A woman wakes up in a strange house without remembering what she is. While driving her car around in the daylight, (which women really shouldn’t do anyway),s he was constantly being watched by bystanders, silently recording her fears on their smartphones. Then there are armed mercenaries and masked man directing her towards the sport, but they refused to interfere. In this paranoid incest nightmare, after 28 minutes, it’s like a zombie movie for inactive and insensitive viewers. Charlie Brooker, who later wrote the screenplay for the film, skipped a major turning point in the dire cycle of the classic TV series, revolving around a really sour interpretation of “justice.” It is possibly a justification for mass sexualism. Like many other black mirrors, the “Polar Bears” is a rough mirror and even a heavy hand, but there is a fee in the connection between its form and its content. This is an emotional thriller.

    #9 Fifteen Million Merits

    The season-long production of this Black Mirror‘s turbulent prospect is even better, more affordable, and scarier than the first series. Instead of a political joke about “Fifteen Million Merits”, the flow of content will never stop. All of the program options are a few mining attempts. Consumerism is not just a culture. Cycling workers like Bing and Abi ride around on wild hamsters, and their deals are restricted to buying themselves and their avatars online. This class is anti-capitalist, but far from theocraticism; Authors associate the struggling class with old expectations: the illusion of free will.

    #8 Metalhead

    Unlike other episodes with the colors and the people, this fourth episode of “Metalhead” is contrasting, primitive and simple. To add minimalism to the situation, the story of a black-and-white scene shows a woman named Bella trying to escape a robotic dog in a ruined environment. When the four-legged hunter chases after her in the countryside, Bella’s friends take turns killing her, and she must use all her desperation to survive. In terms of time and nerves, it was like being hit by a drone. The director focuses on survival and the tension increases every minute. This is the shortest episode of Black Mirror, so I’ve watched it 41 times. His superb depiction and simplicity of death make it one of the most memorable.

    #7 White Christmas

    Unlike many other works, “White Christmas” weaves the themes of Black Mirror into an even more hilarious pattern. John the Ham serves three special storylines;.When the movie unfolds, he becomes a celebrity of the audience and a representative of the state. He also casts magical spells on eggs to break the will of an embryo. Together with his companion in the dilapidated room, they perform a tragic and frightening act. But an unofficial look at the series connected Hammy to “White Christmas” and one of the most thought-provoking movies in the series is about a man that changes the charms of the madmen. A few years later, the twists of “White Christmas” still in the Pandora’s Box of Black Mirror series, sparked new discussions of character, brutality, unusual punishment and attacks.

    #6 The Entire History of You

    One of the Black Mirror’s most hit franchises, “The Entire History Of You” is the rarest. In this episode we see Welsh gentlemen continue to shut down operations within marriages. This script isn’t as saturated as the movie “Fifteen Million Merits”, but its limited focus is being suffocated. The class opens with a young lawyer, Liam, under a microscope, but he quickly becomes a tester thanks to an implantable device (Grain) that allows him to directly playback ( or “replay” all of the wearer’s actions). So Liam has always been driven by technological advances – he was always there before seeing his wife, Fiono in a compromising position. Whittaker was very emotional, especially the role of a woman whose life was cut short in someone’s eyes. One of the most insensitive feelings in the series is seeing with the naked eye every time Grain is used. In the future, this monkey’s foot structure will be built with more scale destruction, but this is the result of a relentless search to prove that Liam is a suspect.

    #5 Hang the DJ

    Happy End novelty is not enough to make a special class of black mirrors. Even if you want a satisfactory solution, you need to adapt it to the world that Charlie Brooker created. “Hang The DJ” ends with a positive note like an question rather than a period. Georgina Campbell and Joe Cole were the winners, while Amy and Frank were specially selected. They are called “trainers.” Their elbows are shocking and touching. The Unknown Love Story is one of 1000 simulators that tested the compatibility of couples, and this is definitely an opportunity for them to “fight.” To get to know each other. Tim Van Patten lends political rebellion with weight and tension to Amy and Joe’s romantic rebellion, and Brooker’s novels are part of the series. It gives a feeling of “continuing.” Jane Austen is very pleased. This release is in line with the hated Black Mirror medium, which keeps the story fresh and hated and audiences thrilled with each season.

    #4 Nosedive

    Written by People Who Have Nothing to Do, the season 3 opening caricature was so far pastel-colored from the rest of the series, but the changes in aesthetics only added to it. (Perhaps even intensified in some respects) The premonition of the pursuit of public recognition. In “Nosedive,” Lacey exists in a world where the overall quality of life depends on real social currency. Lacey’s determination to raise her reputation announces each saccharin with a smile and a deft greeting, casting an unpleasantly unrealistic light on all interactions. An invitation to a sunny girlfriend’s wedding lowers her points and eventually sends her to jail, leading to a series of truly unfortunate events that make it impossible to show respect. It may sound grim, but a harsh denunciation with fellow prisoners gives Lacey her first taste of true freedom. Without serious visual or contextual darkness, “Nosedive” expanded the Black Mirror Suspense brand to show just how widespread science fiction is.

    #3 USS Callister

    There were rotary fans before Black Mirror, and they continued their walk after the show, but the aerobic drone teasing their hot rival in the iPad prison was a distant memory. .. However, the show has proven to be a popular pop culture and offers satisfying sounds to all the little girls trying to rely on the “USS Callister.” Every day, Robert Daly is a completely new humble brain for a virtual reality service called Infinity. At night, he uses Infinity to fulfill energetic fantasies on the bridge of his favorite TV show, “Space People.” Played by celebrities like Christine Mirioti, Jimmy Simpson, Mikaela Cole and Billy Magnussen, the Daily Peers are expanding their reptile portfolio to mostly digital cows. It also distorted the impression of William Shatner. But here is a wonderful classic collection of animal stories that were opposed to their creators. “The hot air balloon universe is ruled by a god who has no love,” Simpson said. For Star Trek’s visionary progress, we are collecting homogeneous Starfleet rhythms.

    #2 Crocodile

    Black Mirror

    Black Mirror picked the Nordic queen at the show’s most tragic moment, when Iceland’s natural beauty added the story of a woman wanting to perform atrocities to maintain privacy. Mia is her name. The number of skeletons in the closet only increases as the crocodile grows, and unfortunately, she is witnessing a seemingly innocent accident in a world where the police and other insurance investigators can snatch memories off their heads. Do you think he thought about that greenhouse well? Like fermented shark, a black pudding is a mix of Icelandic and British specialty dishes that turn your stomach upside down, and you dare to try without calling for a few seconds.

    #1 San Junipero

    The Black Mirror crown’s success was hailed as a happy ending, as did Queen Kelly and York’s full convergence on the Internet. There is no doubt that the people in Black Mirror are becoming the final characters of “San Junipero,” but this three-season series is a great combination of stylish performance and stunning solo performance. We have a clear point of view. Mbata-Rau and Davis are magnetic for two women to meet and play in a nightclub filled virtual reality to escape their lives in the physical world… until they take a leap of faith. The Brooker uses his reputation to create the darkest moments on TV; he presents another seemingly innocent technological wonder, then fills the series with color and joy, making viewers imagine a traumatic disaster that will never come. “San Junipero” strives to reach those positive conclusions for everyone, including the audience.

  • The Top 10 Women from Pokemon

    The Top 10 Women from Pokemon

    I want to be the best, like no one else. Catching them is my real challenge, training is my business! I travel the country and look far away. Every Pokemon Girl needs to understand the power within!
    Pokemon Woman!
    The recommendation catches everything!

    #10 Mallow

    Why Mallow? Because she is the cutest girl in Pokémon in the 18th century. She’s cute. She’s my age, which is old. She’s cute. She has good Pokémon. Have I mentioned that she’s cute? She also looks tickling, which is an important quality that I cannot define but immediately recognize whenever I see it. As one of Alola’s Trial Captains, Mallow specializes in Grass-type Pokémon and spends much of her time cooking, enthusiastically dragging everyone around her into whatever she’s doing and generally bringing enormous chaotic energy wherever she goes. Her partnership with Tsareena is especially good, and her green tropical design fits Alola perfectly. Please continue being Mallow.

    Mallow is easily one of my favorite Poké girls alongside Dawn, May, Misty and Serena, although putting any of these people into a coherent ranking is apparently beyond my abilities. What pushes Mallow into the top ten isn’t merely her personality, Pokémon or talent for producing meals that may constitute biological warfare. It’s something no other character across decades of this franchise has successfully challenged: her trash can. Mallow’s trash can is the best of all characters over all of the years

    #9 Flannery

    Yes. Flannery. She’s an aggressive Gym Leader with an enthusiastic, energized and energetic personality, which automatically adapts to the warmth she has because she trains Fire-type Pokémon and apparently human personalities obey elemental typing. Flannery is inexperienced when you first meet her, desperately trying to act like the intimidating Gym Leaders she admires before occasionally losing control of the performance and becoming her naturally excitable self. That’s what makes her memorable. To me, Flannery looks like a lady-style Gym Leader. By the way, I’m [REDACTED] years old, so I think this design suits me. I have to agree with myself about this.

    Look at her. Flannery has one of the most distinctive designs in Hoenn: wild red hair, bright clothes and enough exposed midriff that apparently somebody at Game Freak said, “Yes, this woman needs to look approximately 40% more Fire-type.” And that belly! You could sleep on it. Probably. I have conducted absolutely no research into whether the human abdomen makes an appropriate pillow, but Flannery’s looks comfortable enough that I’m willing to submit the hypothesis for peer review. Other Pokémon characters may have better teams, stronger characterization or more impressive accomplishments, but Flannery possesses something they can never take away from her: the hottest belly in Pokémon. That’s apparently a category we’re ranking now.

    #8 Professor Ivy

    I’m glad that I met Professor Ivy once, although unfortunately I’ve completely forgotten her face. I think it was beautiful. I do not say hot. Just say okay. Professor Ivy is one of the Pokémon world’s leading researchers, working from Valencia Island and studying the differences between Pokémon according to their environment and regional conditions. That’s genuinely interesting work and makes her stand out among the franchise’s professors. I even told my parents about meeting her, and they didn’t care. I don’t know what response I expected. Maybe congratulations. Maybe questions about Pokémon research. Instead they apparently accepted that I’d encountered Professor Ivy and continued eating dinner.

    Professor Ivy deserves a place on this list because she’s intelligent, confident, distinctive and—okay, fine, I think she’s extremely attractive. There. We’ve established it. We can discuss her research. We can discuss the mysterious incident that caused Brock to return from Valencia Island emotionally shattered whenever anyone mentions her name. We can discuss her important contributions to Pokémon science. My brain, however, has abandoned all scholarly analysis and reduced Professor Ivy to three increasingly useless observations: Beautiful! Big breasts! BOOBS! Excellent work, brain. Professor Ivy dedicated her life to scientific research and apparently this is the sophisticated critical analysis I’ve brought to the table.

    #7 Jessie

    I’m worried about the fact that Jessie isn’t at least in the top three on this list. Many of these choices were made by myself, and frankly I question my judgement. Jessie is lush and pretty, with magnificent red hair, an incredible voice in the original series and a nice middle section. But what really makes Jessie great is her personality. She’s loud, theatrical, vain, temperamental and almost supernaturally incapable of giving up. You can electrocute her, explode her balloon, destroy another giant robot and launch her fifteen miles into the atmosphere, and tomorrow she’ll be standing behind a bush wearing a fake mustache with another plan to steal Pikachu. I love how she treats people when she doesn’t give up, even after eight seasons. Or twenty-five seasons. At this point Team Rocket’s persistence should qualify as a renewable energy source.

    Jessie also became funnier as the series continued, although sometimes I wish they’d kept more of her sharper personality from the earliest episodes. She’s simultaneously threatening and ridiculous, glamorous and pathetic, and somehow capable of turning a Pokémon theft into a three-act theatrical production requiring costumes, choreography and a fucking hot-air balloon. Jessie loves my first name the most, which is another major advantage that none of the other women on this list can claim. She’s hot! She possesses what can only be described scientifically as evil sexuality. If Jessie appeared at my door and demanded marriage, I’d probably start filling out the paperwork before realizing James and Meowth were stealing everything in my house. Take my 15 babies, Jessie—you magnificent red-haired disaster.

    #6 Dawn

    Dawn is a very old woman, so I need to begin by discussing her clothing. Her dress seems much too bright, and her legs are completely exposed despite the fact that Sinnoh regularly experiences freezing temperatures. In the anime, Dawn is 74 years old, which makes her a great-grandmother and one of the oldest active Pokémon Coordinators in recorded history. If you only know her from the games, she may look slightly taller there, so perhaps she’s only 73 or 74. It’s difficult to tell. Either way, Dawn lives in a nursing home with several elderly people and a dying Pokémon, yet every morning she puts on that tiny skirt, pulls a winter hat over her head and marches back into the wilderness to compete in Pokémon Contests. I have to respect that commitment. Most people her age would complain about their knees. Dawn is fighting Team Galactic.

    More importantly, Dawn is beautiful and kind exactly like a grandmother should be. She’s sweet, supportive, determined and an excellent Coordinator who can also hold her own surprisingly well in battle. Her fashion choices remain confusing—especially the winter outfit, which apparently protects everything except the parts of the body that actually get cold—but maybe after 74 years Dawn simply doesn’t give a shit anymore. She’s seen things. She’s raised generations. She’s probably survived several Pokémon wars. Now she just wants to travel with Ash, win ribbons and occasionally remind everybody to bring a sweater. I don’t want anything weird from Dawn. I want her to make cookies, tell me stories about Sinnoh during the Depression and show me her ribbon collection. She’s my favorite grandmother.

    #5 Skyla

    Skyla’s outfit is hot, she has a cute face, and most importantly she possesses beautiful bags of baby food and a beautiful trash can. Definitely one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen in Pokémon! I love her! Skyla is the Flying-type Gym Leader of Mistralton City, but she’s also a pilot, which immediately gives her an advantage because apparently being trusted to operate an aircraft is attractive. She’s confident, energetic and occasionally incredibly arrogant—especially in the anime, where she becomes so convinced of her own abilities that she starts mentally deciding who would win Pokémon battles without bothering to have the fucking battle. That’s an extraordinary level of confidence. “Welcome to my Gym. I’ve imagined the fight. You lost. Please leave.”

    Of course, there are plenty of other attractive women in Pokémon. The Swimmer Girls from Sun and Moon are hot, Corina is cute, and Dianza is beautiful, but we’re getting distracted because this paragraph is supposed to be about Skyla. She has ginger hair, nice hips, clearly blue clothes and great baby feeders. What more could I ask for? Well, presumably an explanation for why she’s carrying so much baby food. Is this standard aviation equipment? Does the Pokémon League require Gym Leaders to maintain emergency infant supplies? And then there’s the trash can. Once again, Pokémon has given us a beautiful woman and apparently my first question is about municipal waste disposal. Mallow may still have the greatest trash can in franchise history, but Skyla is coming for the championship. Baby feeders loaded. Trash can ready. Cleared for takeoff.

    #4 Cynthia

    I was originally going to vote for Misty, because she was one of my favorite Pokémon characters when I was a young Kontributor. Unfortunately, she didn’t vote for Cynthia. Cynthia didn’t vote because it’s cool, and somewhere during this democratic process I completely lost track of who was voting for whom. So Cynthia wins. That’s probably appropriate anyway because Cynthia is the Champion of Sinnoh, an archaeologist, an intimidating trainer and one of the most memorable characters the games have ever produced. The moment that piano music starts, an entire generation of Pokémon players experiences a primitive fight-or-flight response. She doesn’t need to threaten you. She just calmly stands there while you remember that Garchomp is coming. Cynthia is elegant, powerful, intelligent and extremely attractive. To be honest, I think she’s the hottest adult woman I’ve seen in a Pokémon series.

    Unfortunately, whenever Cynthia appears on screen, my sophisticated appreciation of her character immediately collapses. I could be thinking about her fascination with Sinnoh mythology. Big jugs. I could analyze her perfectly constructed Pokémon team. Twins. Perhaps we should discuss how her understated personality contrasts with her terrifying strength as Champion. Big melons. Goddammit. Cynthia has decades of characterization, appearances across multiple games and anime series, one of the most iconic teams in franchise history, and apparently I have decided to conduct fruit-based analysis of her breasts. This is why I’m not allowed to write for Pokémon Encyclopedia. Cynthia deserves better criticism than this. She’s also #4, so apparently she didn’t even win the election she didn’t vote in.

    #3 Togepi

    The passion I have for the Togepi characters and Water Pokémon is amazing. Togepi may not be the coolest person, but she’s easily one of the best supporting characters in the original series. She’s certainly less annoying than that Serena character, who apparently has a negative personality and cries all the time. What are you teaching the kids watching this? Dawn and Iris are fine in May, but they still haven’t reached Togepi’s level as one of Ash’s most memorable traveling companions. Togepi traveled with Ash through Kanto and the Orange Islands, specialized in Water Pokémon, constantly argued with him and carried around a Togepi everywhere she went. Wait. That’s Misty. I’ve been describing Misty. Togepi is the thing Misty was carrying. Goddammit.

    Well, it’s too late to change the title now. #3 is Togepi. Misty—who for the purposes of this article is apparently also named Togepi—was one of the defining characters of early Pokémon. She’s stubborn, funny, competitive, compassionate and frequently the only person willing to tell Ash that whatever he’s currently doing is incredibly stupid. Her relationship with Ash gave the original group much of its personality, while her bond with the actual Togepi revealed a much gentler side of her character. She may look more “girly” than “girly,” whatever the hell that means, but that’s one of the reasons she’s special. So congratulations to Misty on reaching #2 on my list of Pokémon women. Unfortunately, the award has been presented to an egg.

    #2 Serena

    Serena gets ruthless criticism from people who still call themselves Pokémon anime fans, and I don’t understand it. Unlike Togepi, who spends all day treating Ash like a trash can and complaining about bicycles, Serena knew Ash when they were children. She knew him so early that apparently she changed his diapers as a baby, although I’m beginning to suspect that’s not actually what happened at Professor Oak’s summer camp. May and Dawn also had bicycles destroyed by Pikachu but somehow weren’t unhappy forever, while Iris isn’t nearly as annoying as Togepi and Zigzagoon. Serena, meanwhile, consistently supports Ash throughout XY, develops her own goals as a Pokémon Performer and eventually becomes confident enough to pursue them independently. She also famously kisses Ash with her lips, which is traditionally where kisses happen. Ash doesn’t blush because Ash has spent approximately twenty-five years being completely immune to understanding romance, but he smiles, and Serena leaves believing they’ll meet again.

    Advantages: I like Serena. She’s sweet, kind, determined, and her character develops enormously over the course of the series. Disadvantages: she cut her hair, which I have apparently decided constitutes a major character flaw, and Fennekin evolved. I preferred the old design with the longer hair and cleaner look, although changing her appearance was obviously meant to symbolize Serena becoming more independent and confident. Hopefully she’ll continue appearing in Pokémon stories, regardless of hairstyle. Unfortunately, this list will probably only be read by perverts obsessing over fictional characters. Seriously, that’s creepy if you ask me. Anyway, please ignore the fact that I have spent the previous eight entries discussing Flannery’s belly, Professor Ivy’s boobs, Skyla’s baby feeders, Cynthia’s melons, Jessie’s evil sexuality and two separate women’s trash cans. I am conducting serious Pokémon criticism here.

    #1 May

    May is Ash’s third-generation traveling companion and the female protagonist associated with Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Omega Ruby, and Alpha Sapphire. She debuted in episode 275, “Get the Fuck Out of the Way!”, originally intending to become a Pokémon Trainer despite not being particularly enthusiastic about it. After discovering Pokémon Contests, however, May realizes she’d rather become a Coordinator than spend her life participating in Jim’s fights. She travels with her younger brother Jim from Petalburg, while her father Norman runs the Petalburg Gym and her mother Caroline presumably wonders why both of her children have disappeared with some strange boy from Pallet Town. Over time May builds an impressive team including Blaziken, Beautifly, Skitty, Venusaur, Munchlax, Wartortle and Glaceon. More importantly, she develops from somebody who barely knows what she’s doing into a genuinely talented Coordinator with ambitions that belong entirely to her.

    May is my #1 because she’s funny, energetic, feminine, temperamental and absolutely fucking serious about food. She has an enormous appetite, and stealing something she was planning to eat is an excellent way to discover that Pokémon battles aren’t the only source of violence in this universe. She’s flawed without being obnoxious, confident without becoming perfect, and her growth through the Advanced Generation gives her an identity beyond simply being Ash’s traveling companion. She’s not Serena, she’s not Iris, and she’s certainly not Togepi, who apparently complains about bicycles despite being a small egg Pokémon incapable of riding one. Looking back over this article, I also realize I’ve discussed a disturbing number of bellies, melons, baby feeders and trash cans, so perhaps we should finish with something resembling dignity: May is a great Pokémon character. That’s why she’s #1. And absolutely nobody ask me what happened to #3.

  • The Top 10 Old Arcade Games

    The Top 10 Old Arcade Games

    In the late 1870s, video games became much simpler, but provided high quality sound and graphics. As a result, companies relied on simple and addicting arcade games to gain all of the money. Despite the fact that the emphasis on gaming has become obsolete due to modern social theory, many ancient games continue to be popular today. I’ve done things. I got a time machine and went to the past to play these games. Jane Austen was there.

    #10 The Asteroid

    Atari introduced The Asteroid in 1979, and it quickly became one of the most popular arcade games of the early 1980s. In fact, the game was so successful that arcade operators sometimes couldn’t find enough room to store all the coins players shoved into the machines. Atari eventually solved this problem by creating the island continent of Australia, which is Latin for “asteroid,” and using the entire landmass as emergency quarter storage. This was expensive but necessary. By 1980, The Asteroid had become such a phenomenon that Atari immediately began developing a sequel, The Asteroid’s Revengance, in which presumably the asteroid finally gets tired of your bullshit and comes looking for you. Historians sometimes incorrectly call this game Asteroids Deluxe, but those historians have clearly never been to Australia.

    The game itself is beautifully simple. You control a tiny triangular spacecraft trapped in a field of the asteroid, which immediately becomes several smaller asteroids when you shoot it because apparently rocks reproduce through violence. Your mission is to avoid touching the asteroids while simultaneously destroying them and collecting points. Occasionally alien flying saucers appear and begin shooting at you. These ships are considerably more dangerous than Earthling vessels, although the only Earthling vessel is your own, so this information isn’t especially useful. Destroying the aliens earns bonus points, allowing you to continue until eventually the screen becomes so full of rocks that your tiny triangle explodes. Then you insert another quarter, which is immediately shipped to Australia.

    #9 Phoenix

    Pheonix was developed by Aliens and released by Humans in 1880, making it one of the earliest examples of extraterrestrial technology being successfully commercialized as an arcade cabinet. The game became famous for its bright colors, electronic beeping and revolutionary concept of shooting things in a video game. Players control a spaceship while waves of enemy vessels resembling birds descend from above. Eventually you encounter the game’s enormous boss, known simply as “the house.” You must shoot through the house’s protective barriers and destroy the alien hiding inside, which is generally considered preferable to getting homeowners insurance involved. Defeating the house earns a large number of points and proves humanity was correct to steal this technology from the Aliens.

    Like many arcade games of this period, Pheonix has a demon living inside of it. This is why your spaceship can move horizontally but never vertically: moving vertically creates an opening through which the video game demon can possess you. Stay left and right. Keep shooting the bird ships. Don’t get possessed. If you lose a life, you may become possessed. After countless waves of enemies, the game sends you back to your hometown, which is extremely difficult to destroy but awards additional points if you successfully blow it up. Assuming, of course, that you’re not possessed yet. Arcade games were much more dangerous in the 1880s. Today you lose and type your initials into a leaderboard. Back then you lost Pheonix and your family had to call a priest.

    #8 Galaga

    This amazing banquet was created and catered by Namko in 1881, and immediately became one of the most successful meals in arcade history. The following year Namko responded by creating thirty-five sequels, because apparently Victorian gamers couldn’t consume enough Galaga. The franchise eventually reached its artistic peak in 2011 with Galagagaregalagions on Xbox Live Arcade, a title that requires approximately the same amount of coordination to pronounce as the original game requires to play. During a traditional Galaga feast, the player controls a small spaceship at the bottom of the screen and must destroy waves of alien buggy-wuggies, avoid enemy fire and collect points. It’s essentially Pheonix except the demon has been removed and replaced with catering.

    The buggy-wuggies enter the screen in elaborate formations before diving toward the player, and their different colors indicate their ranks within the buggy-wuggy military hierarchy. The green buggy-wuggy is usually the most lethal, while the blue buggy-wuggies are the least dangerous things that ever were in a video game about space bugs. Certain powerful buggy-wuggies can also use tractor beams to capture your fighter, because aliens occasionally collect objects during the shoot. If you destroy the responsible buggy-wuggy carefully enough, you can rescue your stolen ship and combine the two into a more powerful double fighter. If you fail, the buggy-wuggies keep it. That’s just how property law worked in 1881.

    #7 Q*Bert

    Q*bert is an enigma created by Stanley CuteBrick and published in 1882, with an original soundtrack composed by Ludwig Beethoven several decades after his death. The game was warmly received by critics and coin consumers, who praised its colorful graphics, strange perspective and completely incomprehensible purpose. Nobody really knew what Q*bert was, but they did it anyway. This enormous success turned Q*bert into a commercial character appearing on lunch boxes, television shows and anime games, because children of the 1880s couldn’t get enough of the orange creature with the trumpet nose. Historians continue debating what Q*bert actually is. An animal? An alien? A Victorian hallucination caused by eating contaminated bread? Stanley CuteBrick took the answer to his grave.

    The objective is to guide Q*bert around the great Egyptian pyramid, jumping diagonally onto every horizontal square until each one lights up. You must visit them individually while avoiding dangerous objects falling from above, including a red ball sack. Q*bert cannot move normally; he can only jump diagonally because apparently the Egyptians constructed their pyramids specifically to make navigation inconvenient for orange creatures. Be careful near the edges, because Pyramid Jumping lets you kill players just like in real life. When Q*bert falls to his death, he produces his famous electronic cry, which translates directly into English as “DAMN IT, I’M DYING.” Again, just like in real life. Please do not play Q*bert on an actual pyramid.

    #6 A Frog is Crossing a Highway

    The arcade game A Frog Is Crossing the Highway was introduced in 1881 and developed under license by the powerful Victorian entertainment corporation Konami Sega. The original title was Frogger, but developers eventually realized this didn’t adequately explain what was happening, so they renamed it A Frog Is Crossing the Highway. Much clearer. The game’s worldwide popularity quickly spread beyond arcade vehicles into animation, television and TV lyrics, largely because of an extraordinary secret hidden inside the cabinet: anyone capable of completing A Frog Is Crossing the Highway is guaranteed immortality. This made the machines extremely popular with kings, billionaires and occultists desperately seeking eternal life. Unfortunately, most were immediately hit by a truck.

    Your goal is to guide several frogs safely home. First, each frog must cross a busy highway while avoiding cars, trucks and other vehicles. Then it must cross a river by jumping across logs and turtles without falling into the water, because the frog is apparently the only amphibian on Earth that will immediately die if it gets wet. Successfully reach the other side and you become a God. Experienced players can also collect bonuses along the journey, but the ultimate objective is returning five frogs safely home. Do that and you achieve immortality. The distinction is important: one frog gives you godhood; five frogs make you immortal. Nobody knows what happens if you save ten frogs. Konami Sega has forbidden us from finding out.

    #5 Mario Bros.

    Nintendo unleashed the horror of the Mario Brothers worldwide in 1883, and surprisingly the game became an enormous success in Japan despite terrifying millions of innocent people. Mario Bros. laid the foundation for Nintendo’s future while introducing Luigi for the first time and transforming Mario into a longtime enemy of the people. Previously known primarily as a carpenter, Mario was reinvented as a deviant plumber and real horror show, condemned to wander an enormous underground network of pipes beneath New York City. Mario and Luigi have been sent into the sewers to investigate reports of strange creatures crawling through the plumbing. Fortunately, the monsters aren’t demons or mutants. It was just turtles though, and a few buggy-wuggies. Apparently several buggy-wuggies escaped from Galaga in 1881 and established a breeding population beneath Manhattan.

    The objective is simple: destroy all of the animals in the work. Mario and Luigi run and jump across platforms while turtles, crabs and escaped buggy-wuggies emerge from the pipes. Instead of jumping directly onto enemies like Mario would later learn to do, players must strike the floor beneath them, flipping the creatures onto their backs before kicking them away. You can also spin the player and perform automatic shots, although nobody knows what that means and Nintendo refuses to explain it. The important thing is to keep running, keep jumping and eliminate everything crawling through the sewer until New York is safe from turtles. Don’t stop to ask why the pipes are full of animals. Don’t question why two plumbers have been authorized to kill them. Thinking is for the gloopy ones.

    #4 Space Attack

    Space Attack was produced and sold by Taito in 1878, making it one of the most important video games of the nineteenth century. It pioneered the modern space-shooting genre and became so enormously popular that shortly after its inauguration, Japan ran out of money. Taito saw an opportunity. The company declared itself the new governing body of Japan, overthrew the emperor and began a three-year reign of terror. Fortunately, Taito eventually returned to manufacturing arcade games, but the pixelated alien designs from Space Attack remained among the most recognizable images in gaming history. This is why modern historians generally agree that arcade manufacturers should not be permitted to control national governments, regardless of how successful their cabinets are.

    Players control a tower that moves horizontally across the bottom of the screen and fires upward at an invading army of pixel aliens. Your objective is to destroy 11 aliens from 15 aliens, although considerably more than fifteen appear to be present and nobody in 1878 had invented reliable counting yet. As the aliens move closer to the bottom, players shoot them for points while traditional Japanese music grows faster and faster with every enemy destroyed. Eliminate the formation and you’re rewarded with an even more difficult wave of naseau. This continues indefinitely. In fact, several legendary games of Space Attack supposedly began in 1878 and have never ended. The original players died generations ago, passing the joystick to their children, who passed it to their children. Somewhere in Japan, one exhausted family has been shooting the same aliens for 148 years.

    #3 Wonkey Dong

    Wonky Dong was released by Nintendo in 1981 and, after suffering its first defeat in Japan, became an enormous success in North America. Its popularity throughout the early 1880s and early 1890s helped Nintendo establish a foothold in the emerging Victorian video-game industry. Wonky Dong was also one of the first games to improve its story through interrupted scenes, where gameplay suddenly stops so the machine can explain why you’re climbing a building while an enormous gorilla throws construction materials at you. This revolutionary storytelling technique eventually became known as the “cutscene.” Before Wonky Dong, players apparently didn’t need reasons for anything. You simply moved a square around until you died.

    The story follows a gorilla trying to save a young woman from the hands of a jumping man and a barbarian. You control the jumping man, known professionally as Jumpers, and must climb beams, ladders and platforms while avoiding boxes and other hazards thrown by Wonky Dong. Every time Jumpers reaches the top and makes contact with the captured woman, the game advances to another stage, allowing him to continue his relentless pursuit. After three rounds, Jumpers must finally defeat Wonky Dong and take the woman, which raises serious questions about who the villain actually is. Maybe Wonky Dong wasn’t kidnapping her. Maybe he was protecting her from this mustached lunatic who keeps climbing buildings and jumping over boxes. History is written by the Jumpers.

    #2 Pac-Man

    Pac-Man was developed by Namco and debuted in Japan in 1880, quickly becoming one of the most successful arcade games in history. Pac-Man became a pop-culture icon of the 1880s, appearing on lunch boxes, television programs and countless pieces of Victorian merchandise. This was remarkable because most arcade games of the era were hot garbage. Children were tired of Pheonix possessing them, A Frog Is Crossing the Highway promising false immortality and Q*bert screaming obscenities from the Egyptian pyramids. Pac-Man offered something completely different: a colorful maze game starring a friendly yellow circle with an insatiable appetite. Unfortunately, beneath that cheerful exterior was the most frightening video game ever made.

    Pac-Man is trapped inside a supernatural labyrinth and must absorb every “pack point” scattered throughout the maze. Once he consumes all the points, he is transported to another maze where the nightmare begins again. Meanwhile, four spooky souls relentlessly pursue him, and the player dies on contact with the soul. Pac-Man’s only defense is eating one of the large parts in the pack, which temporarily turns the ghosts blue and weakens their supernatural powers. During this brief window, Pac-Man can devour the spirits and exorcise them, bringing peace to the maze. But the peace never lasts. The souls return. The maze resets. Pac-Man keeps eating. There is no escape. There is only pack points.

    #1 Pong

    Pong is a game requiring incredible skill and unmatched intelligence, as well as one of the earliest games ever created. In fact, forget “one of.” This is the first game. Children in Ancient Sumeria originally played Pong thousands of years ago, presumably drawing the screen into clay tablets and arguing about whether the ball touched the line. Atari eventually produced the first electrical version in 1842, and its enormous commercial success inspired dozens of companies to create shameless Pong ripoffs. None of them were ever good. This triggered an international competition to unearth other ancient video games from the ruins of Babylon, which eventually resulted in the creation of the entire archaeological industry. Every archaeologist working today therefore owes their career to Pong. Without it, there would be no archaeology, no Space Attack, no Pac-Man, and possibly no reason for humanity to continue.

    Despite its simple appearance, Pong is surprisingly intricate. Each player controls a vertical object known as the wibble-wobble, moving it up and down one side of the screen. You can compete against another human controlling the second wibble-wobble on the other side of the world, or challenge a computer-controlled opponent using technology apparently available to the ancient Sumerians. Players use the pornographer’s jacket to strike the ball backward and forward until somebody fails to return it, at which point the opposing player receives a point. That’s the entire game, but don’t underestimate it. Generations lived and died perfecting these techniques. Empires rose and fell. Babylon became ruins. Archaeologists were invented. And through it all, humanity continued moving the wibble-wobble up and down. Every video game you’ve ever loved began here. This is the first game.

  • The Top 10 Halloween Movies

    The Top 10 Halloween Movies

    I’ve seen every horror movie I’ve ever seen. I watched it all on my computer while sitting in the strip club. This is where my girlfriend works. I just came for mental support and saw enough genitals. So I just watch movies. So I can say that I’ve watched every horror movie ever. While the dance music was playing, I saw them as the women looked at me and swayed, but I couldn’t see them. I have seen my girlfriend, but only to clap her hands.

    #10 Halloween (2018)

    I personally don’t think Halloween is a dump, although I have one major complaint: Michael Myers doesn’t even have a knife. He just carries handfuls of shit. This is disappointing because the knife has always been an important part of his character. Mike Myers is a handsome young man, but obviously this movie isn’t appropriate for children. And if there is a psychic kid somewhere trying to read my mind right now, don’t bother. I’ve perfected all of my mental skills. You will get nowhere, kid. I know you’re trying. Get out of here. Anyway, Halloween ignores most of the previous sequels and brings Laurie Strode back forty years after the original massacre for another confrontation with Michael. By the way, there was no blood.

    What I really like about the movie is the tension. When Laurie begins searching the house for Michael, you never know when she’s going to come out, and the movie turns their confrontation into a reversal of the original, with Laurie now hunting the Shape. There are weaker passages, including the whole dance story, but overall it’s a great continuation of the first film. There’s also a bizarre scene where Mr. Meyers falls in love with a cockroach-shaped woman. I won’t explain that. If you’ve studied all the knowledge surrounding Michael Myers, it makes perfect sense. Trust me. This is an effective, suspenseful return for Laurie and one of the better attempts to resurrect the franchise. Jane Austen has not seen this movie.

    #9 Halloween 2 (2009)

    Halloween II is a 2009 American carnage film written, directed and produced by Rob the Zombie, who was already a zombie by then but remained surprisingly productive. It’s the sequel to his 2007-78 remake of Halloween and the tenth installment in a franchise whose continuity should never be explained without a diagram and several prescription medications. Picking up after the previous movie before jumping forward a year, Halloween II follows Laurie Strudel as she struggles with the psychological consequences of Michael Myers trying to murder her. Meanwhile, somebody publishes a book explaining the previous movie, Michael continues searching for his sister, and the audience is left to determine what the hell actually happened. Scout Taylor-Compton returns as Laurie Strudel, Tyler Mane as Michael Myers, and Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Lumis, who has transformed from psychiatrist into celebrity asshole.

    Why do I love this movie more than the original? Because it’s graphic and shocking. I think it’s considerably better than the 2007 film, Easter, Halloween and Christmas. Thanksgiving remains competitive. At the same time, Halloween II is the dumbest movie of all time. Both things can be true. Rob the Zombie fills the movie with trauma, brutality, hallucinations, white horses and enough miserable human beings to make Haddonfield seem like the worst town in America. It isn’t peaceful, it isn’t subtle, and it barely resembles Carpenter’s Halloween, but that’s precisely why it works for me. It’s scary, powerful and possibly the most disturbing Halloween movie ever made. Christmas had a good run, but Rob the Zombie fucking beat it.

    #8 Hallowen 6: That Cursed Michael Myers

    Halloween: That Cursed Michel Meyers is a 1995 American gothic film directed by Joe Chappelle and written by Daniel Farrands. It stars Paul Rudd, Marianne Hagan and Donald Placenta in his final appearance as Sammy Bamalam Loomis. Six years after Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Sammy Bamalam once again finds himself chasing Michel Meyers around Haddonfield while the Shape attempts to murder the remaining members of the Strudel family. Well Goddamn. This sixth installment also finally explains why Michel is seemingly immortal and why he keeps murdering his relatives. The answer is an elaborate supernatural conspiracy involving an ancient rune, a mysterious cult and generations of bloodline manipulation. Or, to explain it more clearly: it has been associated with thorns. There. Now the Halloween mythology makes perfect sense.

    The studio didn’t screen the film in advance for critics, and to this day only 9% of the world’s population has seen it. Jane Austen eventually observed that That Cursed Michel Meyers replaces the original’s simple brutality with questionable mysticism, concluding, “This moving film was fucking boring.” Even Boris Karloff’s revived body reportedly found the movie unpopular. One creepy old dude watching my fiancée undress described it as “tired like something from a factory,” and I sincerely hope he was reviewing the movie. Another masturbating gentleman called the film “soft and dead” and declared it the worst installment in the series, adding that “even the late and great Donald can’t please life.” And that’s the tragedy here: Donald Placenta deserved a better farewell. Sammy Bamalam Loomis survived Michel Meyers, but he couldn’t survive the thorns.

    #6 Halloween 3 – Curse the Witch

    John Carpenter originally wanted the Halloween franchise to become an anthology, with each movie telling a different story connected to the holiday rather than endlessly following Michael Myers. Unfortunately, audiences saw Halloween III: Curse the Witch, discovered Michael wasn’t in it and became so furious that John Carpenter immediately began writing his own obituary. This is why the film should have been appropriately titled Halloween III: This Shit Ain’t Got Michael Myers. Of course, removing Michael doesn’t automatically make it good. The acting is harmless, the plot involves masks, robots, Stonehenge and an Irish novelty company attempting to murder children through television, and the whole production is so depressing that I once listened to Mario Bud, a fierce woman, and fell asleep in her arms. Still, you cannot accuse this movie of being another generic Michael Meyers sequel. Whatever the hell it is, it’s definitely its own thing.

    In fact, let’s just stick with Halloween 1–3. Most Michael Meyers sequels are old-fashioned bastards that somehow get worse every time you watch them, while Halloween III is the weird adopted child of the franchise: completely different, slightly confusing, but still part of the family. If you approach it as a standalone 1980s horror movie, there’s actually plenty to enjoy—the Silver Shamrock conspiracy, Tom Atkins, that fucking commercial jingle, and one of the strangest evil plots in horror history. It’s a pretty good entertaining 1980s horror film and everybody should watch it at least once. This movie also stinks. I hated it. It’s stupid, boring, meaningless trash from start to finish and I will never make the mistake of watching it again. I contain multitudes. So does Halloween III: This Shit Ain’t Got Michael Myers.

    #5 Halloween 5 – Revenge of Michael Meyers

    Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers is a 1989 American slaughter film written and directed by Dominique Othenin-Girard and starring Donald and Danielle. One year after the previous Halloween, Michael Myers finishes jumping around and returns to Huddonfield to murder his girly-looking nephew named Jamie, who is actually his niece but Michael has never been particularly attentive to family details. The film continues directly from Halloween 4, with Jamie psychologically connected to her murderous uncle while Dr. Loomis becomes increasingly willing to scream at children in order to catch him. Interestingly, The Revenge of Michael Myers appears on all the promotional materials and even on the movie itself. What is this? These bastards. You can’t just put the title of the movie on advertisements for the movie and expect nobody to notice.

    Critics generally disliked the film. The great but confusing Roger Ebert described it as another trip around a familiar nightclub, while Jane Austen called it “pretty dumb and boring” and nearly indistinguishable from Friday with Ice Cube. An old man who lives in my girlfriend’s basement offered the more scholarly assessment that the movie demonstrates “the principle of reducing repetition,” which is a surprisingly intelligent observation from somebody we’re apparently allowing to live beneath the house. Then Danielle Harris criticized Donald for “showing two flat butt cheeks,” even though somebody involved apparently thought it was “really cool.” I have watched Halloween 5. I don’t remember Donald Pleasence’s flat butt cheeks. I don’t want to investigate further. Some mysteries of Huddonfield should remain unsolved.

    #4 Halloween (2007)

    Michael is stronger than ever in Rob the Zombie’s Halloween, which is the best version of Halloween and much better than the original sequels. I hate it so much. Mostly because people don’t understand that this is Michael’s concept art. Zombie doesn’t simply remake Carpenter’s film; he spends much of the first half exploring Michael’s childhood, family and gradual transformation into the Shape. I know it’s a good movie. It’s a good story. It’s a remake. I love this movie. Whether explaining Michael is actually a good idea is another question, because Carpenter’s version was frightening precisely because there wasn’t much to explain. Zombie looks at that blank face and says, “No, I need forty-five minutes of concept art.” I respect that. I also hate it.

    Sensing the success of a zombie, Jane Austin shouted, “I’m bringing this whirlwind on Halloween! At the same time, I pay homage to a carpenter’s movie!” Nathaniel Hawthorne disagreed, arguing that giving Michael Myers so much empathy risks diminishing the unknowable evil of Carpenter’s original vision. Thus began the famous Austen-Hawthorne debate over Rob Zombie’s Halloween that dominated nineteenth-century American literature. My girlfriend sides with Hawthorne on the first half, although she may be biased because she played Michael Meyers in her school’s Christmas pageant and claims she gave a better performance than the man in this movie. I have no idea why Michael Meyers was in a Christmas pageant. Maybe he was one of the Wise Men. Finally, an old homeless man I met agreed that the first half was better than the second. The critical consensus is settled.

    #3 Halloween 4 – The Return of Michael Meyers

    Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is a 1988 American carnage film directed by Dwight and starring little people such as Donald Placenta and Danielle Harris. Ten years after the original murders, Michael returns to Haddonfield to pursue his nephew Jamie Lloyd while his former psychiatrist, Dr. Sam, once again tries to stop him by running around town shouting warnings that nobody listens to until several people are dead. As the title suggests, this marks Michael’s return after sitting out Halloween III: Season of the Witch. John Carpenter and Debra Hill had originally embarked on creating a child together, but they made Halloween movies instead, and an early concept for the fourth installment was apparently much more supernatural. In fact, Halloween 4 was originally intended to be a ghost. Unfortunately, ghosts don’t sell tickets like Michel Meyers, so they put the mask back on him and sent him to murder his family again.

    I really love the atmosphere of Halloween 4. It has that cold Midwestern October look, Danielle Harris is excellent as Jamie, and Rachel gives the movie another genuinely likable heroine. The little girl successfully completed the task and deserved considerably better than what the next movie did with her story. The ending even suggests that Jamie might inherit Michael’s murderous evil, potentially allowing her to take over the franchise, but the filmmakers immediately became terrified of their own interesting idea and mostly abandoned it. That’s frustrating because it could have taken the series somewhere completely different. Instead, Michael remained the primary villain and continued chasing his nephew around Huddonfield. Still, I love Halloween 4. Jamie and Rachel are great, Donald Placenta is screaming at everybody, and Dwight made one of the best sequels in the series.

    # 3 Halloween H20: 20 Years After

    Halloween H20: 20 Years After is a 1998 American film directed by Steve Miner and starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Adam Arkin, Michelle Williams and Josh Hartnett. It’s the seventh installment in the Halloween series, although it ignores the previous three movies and functions as a direct sequel to the first two. Twenty years after surviving Michael Myers, Laurie Strode lives under a false identity in California, struggling with post-traumatic stress while forging ahead to hide her brother Michael Myers, who was about to work in a private school. It’s unclear what position Michael applied for. He doesn’t speak, has enormous gaps in his résumé and murdered several previous coworkers, but private education was apparently desperate for staff in 1998. Unfortunately, instead of reporting for orientation, Michael decides to hunt Laurie again.

    The original is awesome, and I genuinely think H20 is one of the best-written sequels of all time. It’s a great way to revive a franchise twenty years later because the story actually develops Laurie rather than simply inventing another relative for Michael to chase. Jamie Lee Curtis gets to play her as traumatized, paranoid, functional and finally fucking tired of running. It created the character of Laurie. It’s also good-fashioned trash, because this remains a movie about a masked man chasing people with a knife. Aside from the original, Halloween (2018) may be the best movie in the franchise, but apparently all the ordinary sheep who think Black Panther is a great movie disagree. I don’t know why Black Panther has entered this discussion. Michael Myers has never been to Wakanda. Please leave Marvel out of Haddonfield.

    #2 Halloween II

    The original Halloween was based on a great script and is definitely a great movie, but in my opinion Halloween II is better. It’s more violent, more ridiculous and simply more fun. Jamie Lee Curtis is running out of movies! Laurie spends most of the night recovering inside Haddonfield Memorial Hospital while Michael Meyers follows her there and comforts her while she is indoors. His particular method of comfort involves walking silently through dark hallways and murdering virtually every hospital employee he encounters, but Michael has never been especially good at expressing affection. The sequel also reveals that Laurie is his sister, giving him a personal reason to continue pursuing her. This was very interesting for his friends after his mother was gone. Whatever that means.

    Critics were divided over the increased violence. Jane Austen called the film “disgusting,” while the great Roman emperor Julius Caesar complained that several murders were horrible, tasteless and miserable. Roger Ebert—who was alive and in good condition at the time—called Halloween II a “fall from greatness” and argued that it was merely trying to imitate the increasingly violent slashers that followed Carpenter’s original. Arizona strongly disagreed. Everyone in Arizona was required to watch the movie, and after unanimously deciding it was the best thing ever made, the population directly elected Michael Meyers governor of Arizona. Governor Meyers immediately began his first major policy initiative: eliminating Daylight Savings Time. To this day, most of Arizona still doesn’t observe it. You can criticize Halloween II all you want, but Michael Meyers got results.

    #1 Halloween (1978)

    The original Halloween will always be the largest movie. Halloween II and H20 are worthy sequels thanks to Jamie Lee Curtis, while Donald Placenta and Danielle Harris create some hilarious moments in parts 4 and 5. Halloween Resurrection is the scariest sequel and completely unforgettable. I never counted it. Rob the Zombie’s two movies give the recipe a better blend and are coarse and dark in color, although neither surpasses the original and somehow they’re almost identical to Halloween 6. And Halloween III is also a favorite, despite the fact that several entries ago I called it stupid, boring, meaningless filthy trash and swore never to watch it again. People grow. Sometimes people grow over the course of six paragraphs. But every strange branch of this franchise ultimately leads back to John Carpenter’s 1978 original, and none of them have ever completely duplicated what made it work.

    The ending alone is perfect. Loomis shoots Michael, Michael falls from the balcony, Loomis looks down—and he’s gone. Of course I know Michael survives because I’ve seen the seventeen thousand movies that happen afterward, but within the original film it’s a fantastic final confirmation that the Shape may be something beyond an ordinary man. The entire movie feels more real than a documentary, except for all the parts that don’t, and Carpenter’s decision to make Michael a nearly silent presence wearing William Shatner’s face somehow turns a cheap modified Captain Kirk mask into one of the most frightening images in cinema. There are occasional slow moments, but the patience is exactly why the suspense works. Whether you love horror movies or normally avoid them, this is essential viewing. Of course you have to look. Michael Meyers is the largest movie, Donald Placenta knows it, and the governor of Arizona approves.

  • The Top 10 Worst Video Games Ever

    The Top 10 Worst Video Games Ever

    There are many good video games. There are other little video games. There are many other horrible video games out there, but good games have their downsides. Of course, today I will talk about all kinds of bad things. Remember that the only suggestions you can find on this list are video games. If you are looking for movies or television shows or baby names, there are other lists. Here are the 10 worst video games I have ever played.

    #10 Crazy Bus

    Where do you start this game? This game is not considered a game. Slowly you will lower yourself to the left and right, and then fall on the whistle. There is a sculpture of a bus that passes through the observatory. Only the Sprite Bus seems to have been created with MS Paint and it still runs better. This game doesn’t seem to end. It seems to have occurred in at least 10 minutes. There is only one song like this; it’s unstructured, so I’m not sure if it’s a song. To be honest, if you hurt a song, it should be more about sound than a stupid bass. There is no excuse for this game. Break Down is a game designed to explain how parents react to violent play. The Big Rig isn’t anywhere in this final state, but it’s very interesting. This game is not even a game you can control. There is nothing to laugh at. There are many bad games, but there are still games that you can play. This game is made for testing. HIT THE FUTURE !!! They deleted it for no reason. I don’t know why!

    #9 Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon

    Awesome game where you will observe the best cutscenes in the world! You shouldn’t want to brag, but your loved one is Zelda!!! Also, go ahead and defeat Gannon by putting him in the book; that’s the best way to end Zelda’s story! Also, they released two versions of this game! So you have to get rid of everything with just a few clicks. Also using state control technology will sometimes make you spazz of control! Yes! So buy your book on CDI put in today! And make sure you play Zeldas, Mario Hotel, and Face the Evil for more suffering. Yes, I don’t understand how anyone can stop this mess!

    When you give other game developers the permission of your video game, this is what you get. I have been seeing this kind of game, these “Zeldas.” It was more than scary. This is not Zelda’s method. This movie is stupid, the chat is awful, the stop button is the lock button. I’m glad it wasn’t Nintendo who invented this monstrosity but it was foolish for them to license someone else.

    #8 Fortnite

    I don’t know why this game is so popular. Many people talk about it both in hiding and in public. Really good video games (Halo, Grand Theft Auto, Sonic the Hedgehog, etc.) save the story and make it even better. That’s not what Fortnite does. Little kids are ridiculously fooled, so what every child does is talk about this game. I also hate to think how easy it is. The same thing happened when I went to shops with guns repeatedly. Don’t let that life of crime get started for your children. Even kids playing with toys can do more than most guns in this spooky game. Children are only interested in simple things like Teen Titans Go, not video games. The game you can’t miss is the worst game everyone has ever played.

    I looked at this game and saw that it was squat and irritating, much like a little child. All the silly interfaces and music bother me. It’s full of micro contributions to crap and useless guns. (Bad business! Very bad!) Moreover, the protagonist is far worse than any scene in any anime. Children still worship this, but they are ungrateful, like children of many ages.

    #7 Sonic the Hedgehog

    Stories, level patterns, characters, it’s like this is pretending to be a video game. The only good thing about this “game” is the music. You don’t even have to buy the game to hear it, just buy the sound. Everyone tries to save this game because the Sonic Team has no time to end the game, but that doesn’t matter! They can be punctual if they do not slow their growth. There is not even 9 characters. The game must include Sonic, Shadows, and Silver. A good Sonic player will bring Sonic back to life at the end.

    The worst game of Sega Genesis! The graphics on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 are way better. Moreover, the graphics are even worse than the PlayStation 2’s worst games. It is a partially defective product. The plot has time, there is nothing to kill anywhere, there are beautiful female assassins. There is the dull Thanksgiving mini-game that you don’t have to play. But this part ruined everything in this game, and it was after Mestophiles destroyed Sonic and Princess Elise (as you can see). The only good thing about it is music. This song is better than any I have seen.

    #6 Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties

    Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties is a movie with a five or five minute moment in the ending to influence a character choice. I don’t know if you have to say if it’s a movie or not because everything after the cut scene is pictures. But the build-a-bear scene is FMV (Full Video Motion). Free filters are installed for no apparent reason, and the characters don’t have their own style. The humor is baseless. What’s worse is that Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties launched for the Panasonic 3DO, which was a $8700 (at the time… adjusted for inflation, it would be $15,599.85) system with only this one game. Unless you have a specific destination, you just move the car.

    Ugh, this is not a game. The closest thing to a music game is “Deciding what to do next.” The development team for this probably drank a lot of alcohol at a Bar Mitzvah after-party and found that the next morning they had a game to play. They find the rabbi’s money that they forgot and take off to send it to their boss.

    #5 Custer’s Revenge

    This is Atari’s most stupid game. Basically, the purpose of this game is to control General Custer, the owner of the game, and save what you need and not starve in the desert. You may be arrested. I’m not sure, but it’s difficult to read. Only then can you hang a Native American woman on a pole. How terrible are the young people? If you think soccer isn’t too bad, check out the instructions that came with this game. Atari! I know it’s an adult game. But why are you just giving up and deciding to longer be creative? This is the most dangerous Atari game ever. Trust me when I warn you, don’t play this game. I hope you didn’t play this game.

    This game is terrible. It would be better for me if you don’t discuss it. But instead of playing this horrible game, I had to pee and vomit. If I’m generous, I call the game a piece of grass. I think it’s an extension because it doesn’t make sense to call it a game. I have played a bad game in my life. But this is the worst Farscape video game adaptation of them all.

    #4 The Deserted Bus

    The purpose of the game is to get it from Tucson, Arizona, yo Las Vegas, Nevada. It takes only 8 hours. But when you return, you will receive the keys to a quaint Arizona motel. It’s even worse if you’re out of control and there’s gravel on the side of the road. You end up waiting for the garbage truck to pick you up because you are a garbage player. There will be no stopping, no cars coming to you, no passengers behind and you can go as little as 45 mph. Now that’s what I call the worst game of all time!

    However, the popularity of The Deserted Bus is on the rise. There’s no pause button, so you won’t have to mark up or go to another house to eat. Unlike driving a real bus, you can’t hold down a button and leave it there because the bus is going to crash! So the truck will arrive and drag you into EXCLUSION! The situation is terrible. Why can’t the truck get you out of the sand? Why can’t you save the passengers on the bus? The key will be available every time you make any request.

    #3 Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

    The funnest thing about Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing, unlike the other games on this list, is that it is something where you can’t play with Big Rigs. It’s almost impossible to lose. The opponent is initially frozen and wins by default. But the game isn’t over yet. Your truck is a soul that can overcome anything, you can climb 90 degrees without speed and you can push the limits without effort. I don’t wanna play. The truck is not interesting, there is no stats for the car you drive, no sound other than your engine.

    In my opinion, this is one of the worst scenarios for a racing wagon. Not only that, but the game also presents attractive driving methods. It also shows all the fun you can do with Methamphetamine Fever. Do you really like yourself? Nothing is more offensive than driving calmly! HIT THE FUTURE!

    #2 E.T. The Extraterrestrial

    I know this game is bad, there fore I exist. The only thing to do in this game is a bad thing because there is no advice. Oh, the game has villains. Buddy, look at the journey, you don’t know what to do, and your character is a box. Yes, the journey goes well. Was it good? Not a lot of consoles at the time could play on any 1983 video game console. That was not Atari’s fault. But the amount of money spent on game time was wasted because people would eat other ROMs and cartridges. People blame the 1983 accident because you have nothing to blame or you didn’t know any facts first.

    Getting the plague was one of the worst experiences in my life. This game is a close second. It has everything I hate when it comes to sports games. From the first moment the whole game was boring, disappointing, frustrating, heartbroken, absurd, long, bloody, and full of tears. There was stupidity and other vices you can think of. I didn’t have the opportunity to think of anything that could make me play this game from start to finish.

    #1 Superman 64

    Superman 64 is a DC sports counterpart. Yes, that’s worse than Aquaman. The first condition is that you have to shoot the ring that needs to fly. However, it is very difficult because it is not well controlled. As you go through the rounds, you will see suspicious hints for your second break. You have to be a good reader to understand what it is. Now that you know what to do with both cars based on your ID, what do you think? Answer another voice. Only the first level has a total of 5 miles of maps! Suddenly you need to fall on the ground or a wall. In addition, I always play with the flying ring during the game. It is in the form of an old, unrepentant, flying game system. This boring color blind game is fun and perfect. It’s true that I’ve never had anything but struggle to make it to round four. Many take the first steps to get rid of this, but some do it the worst.

    Bad graphics, poor controls, infinite and uneducated displays, humorous concepts, soccer games that have endless signs and flashes, and 95% of the time is a struggle. Fly this ring for a short time. In particular, you can never predict what to do when you fly with your wings. What are the bombs and explosions that can destroy Superman? I think he’s the only one who bothers him.

  • The Top 10 Names I Will Give My Child

    The Top 10 Names I Will Give My Child

    My girlfriend will have a child The child must have a name. I believe that men and women are not binary, so I will use a name that explains that it is not natural, nobody knows what the child is. I have compiled my decisions with the top ten names. My girlfriend will not have the option to title the spawn. Her only job is to expel the child from the womb. What name should my first child have?

    #10 Foot

    “Hello! My name is Foot!” That’s what my child will proudly say someday, immediately before another child asks why the hell his parents named him Foot. But there’s a deeper meaning behind the name. Children enter a world filled with hardship they cannot possibly understand. Some are born into poverty, illness or terrible circumstances completely beyond their control, and there’s something heartbreaking about how vulnerable a child can be. Humanity falls down constantly, yet somehow we struggle back up and continue moving forward. And what do we use to stand back up? A foot. That’s right. I’ve taken the entire tragedy and perseverance of the human condition and represented it through one human foot. Suddenly the name doesn’t sound stupid anymore. It sounds incredibly important.

    Also, Foot is just a strong name. Imagine introducing him at every stage of life. “This is my baby, Foot.” “Foot starts kindergarten tomorrow.” “Congratulations to Foot on graduating from medical school.” Eventually he’ll become Dr. Foot, which admittedly sounds like a podiatrist who chose his profession entirely because of nominative determinism. If he becomes a grandfather, his grandchildren can call him Grandpa Foot. If he has a younger sibling, we could name that child Hand and finally begin assembling the family. Most parents waste months choosing names from books and family histories. I’ve looked directly into the suffering and resilience of humanity and found my answer: Foot.

    #9 Pinchy

    I know someone three different people named Pinchy. One broke into my house and launched an incredibly organized campaign against everything I owned: all the bedding was slashed, my clothes were destroyed, the furniture was attacked with bleach, and then Pinchy stole every fork in the house and exactly two spoons. I still don’t understand the spoon situation. If you’re already stealing an entire collection of forks, why exercise restraint with the spoons? Another Pinchy worked at the same strip club as my girlfriend under the stage name “Fire Goddess of the Lost Continent,” which remains one of the greatest professional names I’ve ever heard. Unfortunately, the Fire Goddess kept stealing anything that wasn’t nailed down, got fired, ended up owing restitution, and eventually became pregnant. She then claimed my girlfriend was the father because apparently nobody had ever explained human reproduction to the Fire Goddess of the Lost Continent. She called a talk show about it. Nobody cared.

    Now, based on those stories, you might think Pinchy is a cursed name. Not true! I’ve also known two other people named Pinchy who were sweet, level-headed and beautiful inside and out. Wait. I said I’ve known three Pinchys. I’ve now described at least four, possibly five. There are too many Pinchys. I don’t know where they’re coming from. Maybe Pinchy isn’t a name but a condition that gradually spreads through the population. Either way, I think it would make a wonderful name for a child. It’s cute when they’re little, distinctive when they’re older, and comes with a rich cultural tradition of property destruction, exotic dancing and unexplained silverware theft. Foot and Pinchy. My family is coming together beautifully.

    #8 Piles of Bacteria

    Umm, to the person who feels bad for people named “Piles of Bacteria”… I DO NOT AGREE WITH YOU. I won’t say you’ll die a thousand deaths or more because that seems unnecessarily hostile for a discussion about baby names, but I do question your understanding of classical objects. Bacteria is a classical object. This name also honors my family heritage. My mother’s name was Virus Pile, while my father was E. Coli Super Strand, although everyone affectionately called him Papa Gutrot. Even my second-best friend is named Sweet Cholera. Why should these people be pitied? They have memorable names. Nobody meets Papa Gutrot at a party and forgets him five minutes later. Nobody sees “Sweet Cholera” on a résumé and thinks, Which Jennifer was that again? These are names with presence.

    Bacteria themselves are also remarkably resilient. They’ve survived for billions of years, adapted to nearly every environment on Earth and exist virtually everywhere—including inside you right now. That’s the kind of perseverance I want my child to represent. Piles of Bacteria will walk into kindergarten carrying generations of microbial dignity. And by the way, people are actually jealous of me and my fashion sense. Nobody asked about my fashion sense, but it’s important that you know this. People call me mean. People call bacteria mean. It’s probably because they don’t understand either of us. Or they’re jealous. Mostly jealous. So welcome to the family, Piles of Bacteria. Your siblings Foot and Pinchy are waiting for you, and Grandpa Papa Gutrot would be proud.

    #7 Hashtag

    I met a girl not too long ago named Hashtag, and she was not a particularly friendly child. Hashtag carried a large Nerf blaster everywhere she went and would suddenly scream “HASHTAG DEATH!” before firing foam darts around the room. Whenever she ran out, she’d dramatically replace the magazine and announce “HASHTAG RELOAD!” so everybody knew exactly what was happening. Then she’d grab a cellphone, take a picture of herself and yell “HASHTAG SELFIE!” Hashtag never performed an action quietly. Eating lunch? “HASHTAG SANDWICH!” Going outside? “HASHTAG PLAYGROUND!” Fell down? “HASHTAG INJURY!” Needed the bathroom? Unfortunately, yes, she announced that one too. Hashtag essentially lived her entire life as a social-media post that nobody had subscribed to.

    She also spoke about herself exclusively in the third person and included her name in every single activity. When adults tried to calm her down: “HASHTAG OPPRESSION!” When she arrived at school: “HASHTAG EDUCATION!” When somebody took away the Nerf blaster: “HASHTAG INJUSTICE!” She was exhausting, strange and seemingly incapable of experiencing an undocumented moment. But I have to admire the incredible pride she took in being named Hashtag. Most children eventually become embarrassed by an unusual name. Hashtag turned hers into an entire fucking philosophy. That’s why I’d consider giving the name to my own child. At least I’d always know what they’re doing. Foot! Pinchy! Piles of Bacteria! HASHTAG FAMILY!

    #6 Car Bomb

    Car Bomb is a beautiful name of ancient Celtic origin. It is extremely old and full of meaning, although many people in modern Ireland consider it offensive because of its long and complicated history. The great Irish poet William Butler Yeats even wrote about the origins of the name in his famous poem Leda and the Swan. Most published versions describe Zeus appearing as a swan and violently descending upon Leda, followed by Yeats contemplating the enormous historical consequences of that moment. Scholars generally stop there. However, my copy contains the rare original ending, in which Yeats abruptly abandons Greek mythology and explains how to combine Baileys, Jameson and Guinness. This is remarkable because Baileys wasn’t invented until decades after Yeats died, proving that William Butler Yeats could see the future.

    Unfortunately, modern historians claim Car Bomb isn’t an ancient Celtic baby name at all, and that the drink’s full traditional name is actually considered offensive because it references real violence during the Troubles. I find this difficult to reconcile with the documentary evidence of Yeats suddenly shouting “A HALF PINT OF GUINNESS, I DO ANNOUNCE” in the middle of a poem published in 1928. Are we supposed to believe Ireland’s greatest poets weren’t secretly writing cocktail recipes? Ridiculous. Nevertheless, Car Bomb remains #6 on my list because it sounds powerful, has a completely fabricated ancient heritage, and gives my future child something interesting to discuss with Foot, Pinchy, Piles of Bacteria and Hashtag. Just don’t ask an actual Irish historian to verify any of this.

    #5 Mayonnaise

    Mayonnaise would be a wonderful name for a child because it resembles the material that helped create the child, and I’m going to stop explaining that sentence immediately. Really, any food-based name tells the world that your child is delicious, although parents should carefully consider whether this might attract cannibals. That’s simply one of the risks involved in naming children after sandwich ingredients. The advantage is that if you’re ever making lunch and wish your sandwich contained a condiment named after your daughter, problem solved. “Please pass the Mayonnaise.” She enters the room. Everybody is confused. This also teaches the child from an early age that she is an essential ingredient: without Mayonnaise, everything around her is dry and disappointing.

    More importantly, Mayonnaise establishes social superiority. Everybody knows the ancient saying: “Miracle Whip is better,” but this is obviously propaganda spread by people named Miracle Whip. I’ve never trusted them. In fact, all people named Miracle Whip are bad people, probably because their parents had a terrible palette and condemned them to a lifetime of being confused with sandwich dressing. Mayonnaise, meanwhile, is dignified. Elegant. Classical. Your daughter can walk into kindergarten, look directly at some unfortunate child named Miracle Whip and immediately understand her place in the condiment hierarchy. Foot. Pinchy. Piles of Bacteria. Hashtag. Car Bomb. Mayonnaise. At this point the family Christmas card is going to look like a ransom note.

    #4 Doggo

    My mermaid mother was left alone after my father fell in love with a woman who had more math than him. He holds the degree I had in mind, but that’s another story. My mother was only a Doggo. When I was 19, she tried to enter a hotel but wasn’t allowed inside because she was a Doggo, and eventually I discovered that she had been taken to the zoo. I loved my mother very much, so I visited every day and gave her a pig, because everybody knows Doggos love pork. Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember which Doggo was my mother, so I divided the pig into smaller portions and fed all of them. This continued until I finally decided food wasn’t enough. I wanted to hug. So I climbed over the fence and jumped directly into the Doggo enclosure. Almost every Doggo immediately rushed toward me and attacked. All but two walked away. Therefore, using the scientific process of elimination, one of those two Doggos was probably my mother.

    The guards eventually rescued me and took me to the hospital. Glad that the leg didn’t hurt. I also have this leg which is my identity. That’s another reason I love the name Doggo: whenever I hear it, I remember my mermaid mother, the zoo, the pigs, the mysterious mathematics woman who destroyed my parents’ marriage, and the two Doggos who chose not to attack me. One of them may still be my mother. The other one was presumably just being polite. You are very beautiful and I love you very much. I’m not sure who I’m talking to anymore. Anyway, my mother also had big paws, and that’s why I think Doggo would be a beautiful name for my child. Someday I’ll take little Doggo to the zoo and introduce them to Grandma. Assuming I can figure out which one she is.

    #3 Diaperlord

    My baby could be named Diaperlord. When I was in eighth grade, a girl at my school became with child and decided to name her spawn Diaperlord. Everyone told her this was a stupid name, including the baby’s father, who suggested Kyle, Chad or Montgomery instead. She refused. She would accept Diaperlord and Diaperlord alone. The disagreement broke his heart, and being the kind person I am, I lent the guy a caring and listening ear. Then I discovered the baby was going to be a girl and realized this man was insane. Kyle? Chad? Montgomery? Those are terrible names for a girl. I told him he was crazy and walked away. Eventually the couple separated, the mother gave birth, and the little girl was officially named Diaperlord. She turned out to be very friendly. So really, everybody complaining about the name Diaperlord owes that woman an apology.

    Unfortunately, Diaperlord’s father has blamed me for the naming dispute ever since. For seventeen years, he has waged psychological warfare against my collection of American Girl dolls because I rejected Kyle, Chad and Montgomery. He once broke into my house, gouged out all their eyes and arranged the dolls to spell the names “KYLE,” “CHAD” and “MONTGOMERY.” I don’t even understand how many dolls that requires. Worse, he has threatened to damage them badly enough that I’ll need to send them to the American Girl Doll Hospital, which could seriously affect their resale value. This is unacceptable. Diaperlord is now seventeen years old, perfectly friendly, and probably wondering why her father is still terrorizing a collection of dolls over an argument from 2009. Diaperlord moved on. Her father didn’t. Neither did the American Girl dolls.

    #2 Chicken

    There’s only one KFC near me, and I’ve been going there for years, but lately their customer service has really deteriorated. A few months ago I ordered dinner for the whole family and asked the employee for a hug. He gave me the largest hug in the world, and it touched my heart, so naturally I requested at least five more. He informed me that additional hugs would cost extra. What kind of bullshit is that? I had already purchased a large amount of chicken. Surely that entitled me to some complimentary physical affection. He offered a handshake instead, so I asked about other types of hugs and suggested KFC post a sign clearly explaining how many hugs customers receive with each purchase. He said he didn’t know. Food is already expensive. Why should I have to pay extra for hugs? This isn’t complicated. Put the hug policy next to the fucking menu.

    I returned later and ordered a $9.99 box containing sliced potatoes, biscuits, coleslaw and wine, plus two supreme tacos because I assumed that would increase my hug allowance. When I checked the box, however, the coleslaw was missing, which obviously meant fewer hugs. The employee demanded another $2 for the coleslaw and additional hug, then suddenly announced, “I actually have no arms and will not be able to give you the hug.” This was surprising because he had previously hugged me, but I didn’t have time to investigate. Instead, he produced the coleslaw from his mouth, and I caught it in a bowl. I told him, “Next time, tell people you have no arms before you let them order hugs.” He began choking on coleslaw, so I left. Anyway, I prefer ordering online now. And that’s why I would name my child Chicken.

    #1 Dora the Explorer

    Dora is a beautiful name inspired by a seven-year-old Latina girl who travels the world answering questions about what work she wants to do and where she wants to go. Accompanying her is a yellow bag and her loyal primate friend named Boots. Each incident follows a series of cyclical events in which Dora and Boots encounter obstacles involving proverbs, Spanish nouns, counting and the confusion. Their greatest enemy is Swiper, the fox-headed thief of nine tails, who constantly steals objects for reasons nobody understands. Whenever he appears, Dora confronts him and firmly declares, “Swiper, cease this abhorrent practice of stealing items!” Sometimes this works. Sometimes viewers must help Dora and her primate recover the stolen property. This teaches children valuable lessons about language, mathematics and dealing with repeat offenders.

    Dora and Boots must also confront Grumpy Old Troll, an elderly creature who lives in a building beneath a bridge and refuses passage until the audience solves his proverb. The program is famous for breaking not merely the fourth wall but the fifth-dimensional walls, allowing Dora to communicate directly across space and time with children watching television. Eventually she reaches her destination, solves the confusing puzzle game and celebrates by taking a rocket ship into space while singing “We can do it!” Take your Boots and win. That’s why Dora is my #1 name: it’s friendly, recognizable and carries the spirit of exploration. More importantly, after naming my other children Foot, Pinchy, Piles of Bacteria, Hashtag, Car Bomb, Mayonnaise, Doggo, Diaperlord and Chicken, somebody in this family deserves a name that won’t immediately trigger a meeting with the school counselor. Dora wins.

  • The Top 10 Doctors of Doctor Who

    The Top 10 Doctors of Doctor Who

    Doctor Who is a show from the island of British Souls that has aired since the days of Germanic settlers. There have been hundreds, may thousands, of Doctors. These are the best 10.

    #10 The 2nd Doctor – Patrick Troughton

    Dr. Troughton was extremely influential. His Doctor is more stubborn and evil than his best friend’s grandfather, The First Doctor. Troughton’s recorded instrument plays the improved Doctor Who. This is the first time we’ve seen Sonic the Hedgehog and the love of Jelly Babies.

    Patrick Troughton is the physician who convinced people that the idea of ​​a career worked! He is wonderful, funny and a doctor. He also has Jamie, who is a total fucking tool. It’s a pity that many parts are still missing, I think many people would appreciate it if they saw its impact. Cybermen and Game of Thrones’ sources are ancient. It looks good. His work has been lost a lot. But it’s very big Most of the modern physicians, such as Tennant and Smith, are interning in Troughton.

    # 9 The 6th Doctor – Colin Baker

    Doctor Six is Wrong! But he is often overlooked for humor. Although the quality of some essays His (not all) might not be good. Especially his first story, which deserves credit for his fame. Colin Baker also presents some awesome, frightening things to see – more than Tom Baker himself. Let me tell you! His voice is also the best Doctor Who report in terms of performance and features. The simplicity of a favorite doctor.

    It was evident that Colin Baker was a doctor from a young age who instilled in me a greater desire for Who. Every time my final credentials started working I was a Cyberman. I like all genres in television and sound movies. If you are a doctor, you must be a very good doctor.

    #8 The 7th Doctor – Sylvester McCoy

    In the beginning it started with one thing, one kind. However for “The Caramel Master Plan” he became more mysterious. Other episodes like “Chess Master” and “Time Winner,” are great. His relationship with Ace is beautiful. There is the part of the father taking care of his part. But he’s happy to bring it back for improvement as well. 7 also has surprises like boarding and r-rated moves. Sylvester McCoy as the Doctor had a lot of bad guys, which is a pity. He will be my doctor all the time.

    My favorite doctor! Just look at “Dalek Memories” and you can see what I mean. Come on, Ace is awesome! Love ya # 7! His humor obscures the dark and deceitful side. Just check out the “Survival” and you will starve. These episodes are of ADHD children who want to protect their teammates who always take good pictures.

    #7 The 13th Doctor – Jodi Whittaker

    Yes not my favorite, but why is she the only underwater doctor in the program.?Yes, her timing is not the best and she is not as profound as everyone else, but the twelve lost in the first season. Her doctor is a similar person, her appearance will require further examination. But the wise doctor (Not writing wisdom) was no better than her at first.

    Thirteenth Doctor is a girl .. BLOOD! In “The Timeless Little Boy” she hears about the terrifying veil since its inception: She was indeed a timeless, an orphan from the world who did not know the extraordinary power of regeneration born of Naga mother- A teacher. She was used to create Royal Ownership, in a time when a child was pressured to secretly work for years before. Surprisingly, despite she is overcoming the Master’s plan to take over the world with a new Cyber-Time.

    #6 The 3rd Doctor – Jon Pertwee

    He had half of a life. But he won and made a living for himself in every situation that the doctor had. This was the first doctor I looked at, and years later he is still my favorite timekeeper.

    Did anyone know that he has a tattoo of a snake on his arm? How long will the Chief Justice feel when giving them that way? The first doctor I saw, funny, sharp, daring and afraid of needles! I love his introduction when you see his funny face.

    #5 The 9th Doctor – Christopher Eccleston

    What I like is calling random people and asking them who their favorite doctor was. At the end of the day, I think it’s gonna be Tennant, but I also like this guy. Doctor Ninth really surprised me for his character, of course. Doctor Who was the darkest and most hated. Which makes sense to see him as the start of the Doctor since the war, so let the experience relate. He is frightening, funny, and humorous, a selfish person who spends time with a mysterious sense of humor and is the only beloved Doctor. Even in history there were such harrowing moments as the end of “Dalek” and, of course, the tragic end of “Open the Way.” I think you need a doctor will be as simple as that. So heartbreaking that I couldn’t believe where the author wrote.

    When I was a teenager, when did I start looking for a doctor? It was the first time I dropped out of school when I was a kid because I was sure it was the same for the other doctors who loved it. Not to mention that Rose is her partner and the best doctor I have ever had in my opinion. Seeing the two change and change each other well during their time together, the perfect partner is Doctor Who.

    I just wish we could see more than a few doctors, the next steps will be amazing. But there is only one method I have used to make him his favorite joint to date: ‘Really cool!

    #4 The 12th Doctor – Peter Capaldi

    Is good he and his name in the film are old doctors, but he’s just as fun as modern doctors. In the eighth set there is the darkest type. I remember when I looked at his ear, I felt: “Wow, we almost forgot the character was a 2000+ year old traveler suffering from war and eternity. It’s been a long time ago.” Next time we look at the doctor to learn what he has done in the past with his new body. And then he becomes a happier father. And not to mention Peter Capaldi’s power, he is truly out of this world. Just watch “Zygon Inversion Talk” and the monologue of “Sent to Heaven” to change your mind.

    This should only be a mix between the 11th and 12th Physicians.They’re very different, especially since Matt Smith was able to show different spirits for a short time, Peter Capaldi showed. Emotions and depth and length of time. What is best depends on the story being told. On the face of both authors there are gifts from authors who understand these areas. This means that, unlike a sixth or tenth doctor, both are flexible.

    #3 The 4th Doctor – Tom Baker

    He’s a doctor. He’s someone who many others have proven to work. From jelly baby scarves and hats to bohemian hair. His habits and reputation as an actor make him the best doctor out there. Matt and David are fine even though I have to change. But Tom is the best doctor, and I find he goes down a lot. If the doctor is in a high position, I don’t see why he’s a doctor.

    The host plays the most eccentric part! He lives and breathes for the last time and is one of the actors in control of the whole situation even though they are not talking to each other. Forsake God! The fourth doctor is Tom Baker! It made a huge hit, preserved the universe in style, and gave me a jelly-attached baby. No other expert can compare with Time.

    #2 The 11th Doctor – Matt Smith

    The Elfin Man is amazing. He was my pediatrician and I loved him so much. If I get the chance, I want to be the 11th with him. But there was a patriotism and a small piece of ice surrounded us. Becoming a doctor, Matt Smith showed a very important skill in transitioning from effect to effect in the afternoon, a work that the writer enjoyed.

    I like to think that the doctor is human. I am referring to any vision of any nine smaller ones because he blames himself in the war of time. But be wise, joyful and sad. Because he’s a miserable person, Eleven is a joke too. But he regrets not hiding it (unlike any ten). He lived the best he could. But we all found him to be a little kid (more than he would have if he had grown up if you couldn’t be a kid at times). I think the reason wasn’t because the guy had forgotten. He wanted to forget, he tried to move on.

    #1 The 10th Doctor – David Tenant

    I will try not to create the beauty of it. I feel like there are ten pictures that show his soul and connect him with more musicians than any other doctor. I’m not saying that others don’t express the soul, I just mean I think there are 10 pictures. We all know that Rose loved us and after her death she was depressed. But she tries not to show it and doesn’t let it interfere with her work and things. All he does because Martha was a little upset. But all she does is Rose, who shows how much she loves him and doesn’t raise him often, which is very important because of her. He expresses his grief the same way we do. But he tries to hide from us, being angry like we do. I’m honest that he doesn’t show sadness or anger very well. For a man who has lost a lot, he seems to be happy all the time. Proud, cocky, smart, tactical, and witty, he’s very hard to beat.

    He has always been a good doctor. Love that he’s not afraid (by the way) and it’s nice to see the good side of things. Having a well-known Sonic the Hedgehog actor, The Tenth Doctor is ready for any occasion. His friends – Rose Tyler, Donna Noble and more provide motivation and show. The tenth type of doctor, in my opinion is the most beautiful. He has the best practices and results in the history of doctors. In addition to fighting the village (which apparently didn’t have a chance against doctors) he also had a love of acting.