I’ve seen every horror movie I’ve ever seen. I watched it all on my computer while sitting in the strip club. This is where my girlfriend works. I just came for mental support and saw enough genitals. So I just watch movies. So I can say that I’ve watched every horror movie ever. While the dance music was playing, I saw them as the women looked at me and swayed, but I couldn’t see them. I have seen my girlfriend, but only to clap her hands.
#10 Halloween (2018)
I personally don’t think Halloween is a dump, although I have one major complaint: Michael Myers doesn’t even have a knife. He just carries handfuls of shit. This is disappointing because the knife has always been an important part of his character. Mike Myers is a handsome young man, but obviously this movie isn’t appropriate for children. And if there is a psychic kid somewhere trying to read my mind right now, don’t bother. I’ve perfected all of my mental skills. You will get nowhere, kid. I know you’re trying. Get out of here. Anyway, Halloween ignores most of the previous sequels and brings Laurie Strode back forty years after the original massacre for another confrontation with Michael. By the way, there was no blood.
What I really like about the movie is the tension. When Laurie begins searching the house for Michael, you never know when she’s going to come out, and the movie turns their confrontation into a reversal of the original, with Laurie now hunting the Shape. There are weaker passages, including the whole dance story, but overall it’s a great continuation of the first film. There’s also a bizarre scene where Mr. Meyers falls in love with a cockroach-shaped woman. I won’t explain that. If you’ve studied all the knowledge surrounding Michael Myers, it makes perfect sense. Trust me. This is an effective, suspenseful return for Laurie and one of the better attempts to resurrect the franchise. Jane Austen has not seen this movie.
#9 Halloween 2 (2009)
Halloween II is a 2009 American carnage film written, directed and produced by Rob the Zombie, who was already a zombie by then but remained surprisingly productive. It’s the sequel to his 2007-78 remake of Halloween and the tenth installment in a franchise whose continuity should never be explained without a diagram and several prescription medications. Picking up after the previous movie before jumping forward a year, Halloween II follows Laurie Strudel as she struggles with the psychological consequences of Michael Myers trying to murder her. Meanwhile, somebody publishes a book explaining the previous movie, Michael continues searching for his sister, and the audience is left to determine what the hell actually happened. Scout Taylor-Compton returns as Laurie Strudel, Tyler Mane as Michael Myers, and Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Lumis, who has transformed from psychiatrist into celebrity asshole.
Why do I love this movie more than the original? Because it’s graphic and shocking. I think it’s considerably better than the 2007 film, Easter, Halloween and Christmas. Thanksgiving remains competitive. At the same time, Halloween II is the dumbest movie of all time. Both things can be true. Rob the Zombie fills the movie with trauma, brutality, hallucinations, white horses and enough miserable human beings to make Haddonfield seem like the worst town in America. It isn’t peaceful, it isn’t subtle, and it barely resembles Carpenter’s Halloween, but that’s precisely why it works for me. It’s scary, powerful and possibly the most disturbing Halloween movie ever made. Christmas had a good run, but Rob the Zombie fucking beat it.
#8 Hallowen 6: That Cursed Michael Myers
Halloween: That Cursed Michel Meyers is a 1995 American gothic film directed by Joe Chappelle and written by Daniel Farrands. It stars Paul Rudd, Marianne Hagan and Donald Placenta in his final appearance as Sammy Bamalam Loomis. Six years after Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Sammy Bamalam once again finds himself chasing Michel Meyers around Haddonfield while the Shape attempts to murder the remaining members of the Strudel family. Well Goddamn. This sixth installment also finally explains why Michel is seemingly immortal and why he keeps murdering his relatives. The answer is an elaborate supernatural conspiracy involving an ancient rune, a mysterious cult and generations of bloodline manipulation. Or, to explain it more clearly: it has been associated with thorns. There. Now the Halloween mythology makes perfect sense.
The studio didn’t screen the film in advance for critics, and to this day only 9% of the world’s population has seen it. Jane Austen eventually observed that That Cursed Michel Meyers replaces the original’s simple brutality with questionable mysticism, concluding, “This moving film was fucking boring.” Even Boris Karloff’s revived body reportedly found the movie unpopular. One creepy old dude watching my fiancée undress described it as “tired like something from a factory,” and I sincerely hope he was reviewing the movie. Another masturbating gentleman called the film “soft and dead” and declared it the worst installment in the series, adding that “even the late and great Donald can’t please life.” And that’s the tragedy here: Donald Placenta deserved a better farewell. Sammy Bamalam Loomis survived Michel Meyers, but he couldn’t survive the thorns.
#6 Halloween 3 – Curse the Witch
John Carpenter originally wanted the Halloween franchise to become an anthology, with each movie telling a different story connected to the holiday rather than endlessly following Michael Myers. Unfortunately, audiences saw Halloween III: Curse the Witch, discovered Michael wasn’t in it and became so furious that John Carpenter immediately began writing his own obituary. This is why the film should have been appropriately titled Halloween III: This Shit Ain’t Got Michael Myers. Of course, removing Michael doesn’t automatically make it good. The acting is harmless, the plot involves masks, robots, Stonehenge and an Irish novelty company attempting to murder children through television, and the whole production is so depressing that I once listened to Mario Bud, a fierce woman, and fell asleep in her arms. Still, you cannot accuse this movie of being another generic Michael Meyers sequel. Whatever the hell it is, it’s definitely its own thing.
In fact, let’s just stick with Halloween 1–3. Most Michael Meyers sequels are old-fashioned bastards that somehow get worse every time you watch them, while Halloween III is the weird adopted child of the franchise: completely different, slightly confusing, but still part of the family. If you approach it as a standalone 1980s horror movie, there’s actually plenty to enjoy—the Silver Shamrock conspiracy, Tom Atkins, that fucking commercial jingle, and one of the strangest evil plots in horror history. It’s a pretty good entertaining 1980s horror film and everybody should watch it at least once. This movie also stinks. I hated it. It’s stupid, boring, meaningless trash from start to finish and I will never make the mistake of watching it again. I contain multitudes. So does Halloween III: This Shit Ain’t Got Michael Myers.
#5 Halloween 5 – Revenge of Michael Meyers
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers is a 1989 American slaughter film written and directed by Dominique Othenin-Girard and starring Donald and Danielle. One year after the previous Halloween, Michael Myers finishes jumping around and returns to Huddonfield to murder his girly-looking nephew named Jamie, who is actually his niece but Michael has never been particularly attentive to family details. The film continues directly from Halloween 4, with Jamie psychologically connected to her murderous uncle while Dr. Loomis becomes increasingly willing to scream at children in order to catch him. Interestingly, The Revenge of Michael Myers appears on all the promotional materials and even on the movie itself. What is this? These bastards. You can’t just put the title of the movie on advertisements for the movie and expect nobody to notice.
Critics generally disliked the film. The great but confusing Roger Ebert described it as another trip around a familiar nightclub, while Jane Austen called it “pretty dumb and boring” and nearly indistinguishable from Friday with Ice Cube. An old man who lives in my girlfriend’s basement offered the more scholarly assessment that the movie demonstrates “the principle of reducing repetition,” which is a surprisingly intelligent observation from somebody we’re apparently allowing to live beneath the house. Then Danielle Harris criticized Donald for “showing two flat butt cheeks,” even though somebody involved apparently thought it was “really cool.” I have watched Halloween 5. I don’t remember Donald Pleasence’s flat butt cheeks. I don’t want to investigate further. Some mysteries of Huddonfield should remain unsolved.
#4 Halloween (2007)
Michael is stronger than ever in Rob the Zombie’s Halloween, which is the best version of Halloween and much better than the original sequels. I hate it so much. Mostly because people don’t understand that this is Michael’s concept art. Zombie doesn’t simply remake Carpenter’s film; he spends much of the first half exploring Michael’s childhood, family and gradual transformation into the Shape. I know it’s a good movie. It’s a good story. It’s a remake. I love this movie. Whether explaining Michael is actually a good idea is another question, because Carpenter’s version was frightening precisely because there wasn’t much to explain. Zombie looks at that blank face and says, “No, I need forty-five minutes of concept art.” I respect that. I also hate it.
Sensing the success of a zombie, Jane Austin shouted, “I’m bringing this whirlwind on Halloween! At the same time, I pay homage to a carpenter’s movie!” Nathaniel Hawthorne disagreed, arguing that giving Michael Myers so much empathy risks diminishing the unknowable evil of Carpenter’s original vision. Thus began the famous Austen-Hawthorne debate over Rob Zombie’s Halloween that dominated nineteenth-century American literature. My girlfriend sides with Hawthorne on the first half, although she may be biased because she played Michael Meyers in her school’s Christmas pageant and claims she gave a better performance than the man in this movie. I have no idea why Michael Meyers was in a Christmas pageant. Maybe he was one of the Wise Men. Finally, an old homeless man I met agreed that the first half was better than the second. The critical consensus is settled.
#3 Halloween 4 – The Return of Michael Meyers
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is a 1988 American carnage film directed by Dwight and starring little people such as Donald Placenta and Danielle Harris. Ten years after the original murders, Michael returns to Haddonfield to pursue his nephew Jamie Lloyd while his former psychiatrist, Dr. Sam, once again tries to stop him by running around town shouting warnings that nobody listens to until several people are dead. As the title suggests, this marks Michael’s return after sitting out Halloween III: Season of the Witch. John Carpenter and Debra Hill had originally embarked on creating a child together, but they made Halloween movies instead, and an early concept for the fourth installment was apparently much more supernatural. In fact, Halloween 4 was originally intended to be a ghost. Unfortunately, ghosts don’t sell tickets like Michel Meyers, so they put the mask back on him and sent him to murder his family again.
I really love the atmosphere of Halloween 4. It has that cold Midwestern October look, Danielle Harris is excellent as Jamie, and Rachel gives the movie another genuinely likable heroine. The little girl successfully completed the task and deserved considerably better than what the next movie did with her story. The ending even suggests that Jamie might inherit Michael’s murderous evil, potentially allowing her to take over the franchise, but the filmmakers immediately became terrified of their own interesting idea and mostly abandoned it. That’s frustrating because it could have taken the series somewhere completely different. Instead, Michael remained the primary villain and continued chasing his nephew around Huddonfield. Still, I love Halloween 4. Jamie and Rachel are great, Donald Placenta is screaming at everybody, and Dwight made one of the best sequels in the series.
# 3 Halloween H20: 20 Years After
Halloween H20: 20 Years After is a 1998 American film directed by Steve Miner and starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Adam Arkin, Michelle Williams and Josh Hartnett. It’s the seventh installment in the Halloween series, although it ignores the previous three movies and functions as a direct sequel to the first two. Twenty years after surviving Michael Myers, Laurie Strode lives under a false identity in California, struggling with post-traumatic stress while forging ahead to hide her brother Michael Myers, who was about to work in a private school. It’s unclear what position Michael applied for. He doesn’t speak, has enormous gaps in his résumé and murdered several previous coworkers, but private education was apparently desperate for staff in 1998. Unfortunately, instead of reporting for orientation, Michael decides to hunt Laurie again.
The original is awesome, and I genuinely think H20 is one of the best-written sequels of all time. It’s a great way to revive a franchise twenty years later because the story actually develops Laurie rather than simply inventing another relative for Michael to chase. Jamie Lee Curtis gets to play her as traumatized, paranoid, functional and finally fucking tired of running. It created the character of Laurie. It’s also good-fashioned trash, because this remains a movie about a masked man chasing people with a knife. Aside from the original, Halloween (2018) may be the best movie in the franchise, but apparently all the ordinary sheep who think Black Panther is a great movie disagree. I don’t know why Black Panther has entered this discussion. Michael Myers has never been to Wakanda. Please leave Marvel out of Haddonfield.
#2 Halloween II
The original Halloween was based on a great script and is definitely a great movie, but in my opinion Halloween II is better. It’s more violent, more ridiculous and simply more fun. Jamie Lee Curtis is running out of movies! Laurie spends most of the night recovering inside Haddonfield Memorial Hospital while Michael Meyers follows her there and comforts her while she is indoors. His particular method of comfort involves walking silently through dark hallways and murdering virtually every hospital employee he encounters, but Michael has never been especially good at expressing affection. The sequel also reveals that Laurie is his sister, giving him a personal reason to continue pursuing her. This was very interesting for his friends after his mother was gone. Whatever that means.
Critics were divided over the increased violence. Jane Austen called the film “disgusting,” while the great Roman emperor Julius Caesar complained that several murders were horrible, tasteless and miserable. Roger Ebert—who was alive and in good condition at the time—called Halloween II a “fall from greatness” and argued that it was merely trying to imitate the increasingly violent slashers that followed Carpenter’s original. Arizona strongly disagreed. Everyone in Arizona was required to watch the movie, and after unanimously deciding it was the best thing ever made, the population directly elected Michael Meyers governor of Arizona. Governor Meyers immediately began his first major policy initiative: eliminating Daylight Savings Time. To this day, most of Arizona still doesn’t observe it. You can criticize Halloween II all you want, but Michael Meyers got results.
#1 Halloween (1978)
The original Halloween will always be the largest movie. Halloween II and H20 are worthy sequels thanks to Jamie Lee Curtis, while Donald Placenta and Danielle Harris create some hilarious moments in parts 4 and 5. Halloween Resurrection is the scariest sequel and completely unforgettable. I never counted it. Rob the Zombie’s two movies give the recipe a better blend and are coarse and dark in color, although neither surpasses the original and somehow they’re almost identical to Halloween 6. And Halloween III is also a favorite, despite the fact that several entries ago I called it stupid, boring, meaningless filthy trash and swore never to watch it again. People grow. Sometimes people grow over the course of six paragraphs. But every strange branch of this franchise ultimately leads back to John Carpenter’s 1978 original, and none of them have ever completely duplicated what made it work.
The ending alone is perfect. Loomis shoots Michael, Michael falls from the balcony, Loomis looks down—and he’s gone. Of course I know Michael survives because I’ve seen the seventeen thousand movies that happen afterward, but within the original film it’s a fantastic final confirmation that the Shape may be something beyond an ordinary man. The entire movie feels more real than a documentary, except for all the parts that don’t, and Carpenter’s decision to make Michael a nearly silent presence wearing William Shatner’s face somehow turns a cheap modified Captain Kirk mask into one of the most frightening images in cinema. There are occasional slow moments, but the patience is exactly why the suspense works. Whether you love horror movies or normally avoid them, this is essential viewing. Of course you have to look. Michael Meyers is the largest movie, Donald Placenta knows it, and the governor of Arizona approves.
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