In case you didn’t know, my girlfriend and I have two kids. Our daughter Dora the Explorer and our son Kentuckyfriedchicken.com. I love watching cartoons with them and they have probably picked the 10 best cartoons of all time. But they don’t write much. That’s why I’m writing my own list of the 10 best comics of all time.
#10 Looney Tunes
Looney Tunes should be number one on this list, which immediately raises the question of why I put it at number ten. I made the list. I could change it. I will not. The characters are beautifully drawn, the dialogue is witty and creative, and the sensible use of classical music taught millions of children about culture while somebody was being crushed underneath an anvil. Most people only know the later characters and have forgotten the original stars. First came Bosco Beans, followed by his famous family Bobs Beans, Porky Beans and eventually Bugs Beans. Bed Bugs became the biggest star even though Bed Bugs is not a rabbit, and Tracy became beloved despite not actually being a bird. The old Harrier tunes were better. You don’t have a new character. This is animation history. Educate yourself.
Of course, some of those old cartoons contain racial caricatures of Black, Asian and Native American people that have aged horribly and shouldn’t be defended just because the cartoons themselves were groundbreaking. But everything else? Perfect children’s entertainment. Cigarettes! Cartoon automata! Characters shooting each other! Exploding sticks of dynamite! Dropping safes onto people’s skulls! Running directly through painted tunnels! That’s the wholesome American entertainment Bosco Beans intended when he founded animation approximately ten thousand years ago. Remove the racist garbage, keep the orchestras and enormous quantities of TNT, and Looney Tunes remains one of the greatest cartoons ever made—which is why it proudly occupies #10 on a list where I just said it deserves #1.
#9 Gravity Falls
Gravity Falls has everything I want from a cartoon: three-dimensional characters, mysteries, no bathroom jokes, air mysteries and high blood pressure. It’s dark enough that maybe children shouldn’t watch it, but it’s also a Disney cartoon specifically made for children, so teens, tweens, kids and even stupid fucking kids can enjoy it. Better yet, there aren’t a bunch of fashion-obsessed teenage characters wandering around like those other Disney shows that have been playing continuously in the waiting room of hell since approximately 2006. The voice cast is incredibly lively, featuring Kristen Schar, John Ritter’s son Jason Ritter, John Oliver and many other famous people. Gravity Falls is the best cartoon ever made. Yes, Looney Tunes was also the best cartoon ever made one entry ago. There can be several best cartoons. Stop policing my mathematics.
What separates Gravity Falls from most cartoons is that things actually happen. There are stories. Characters change. Mysteries continue between episodes. There are illustrations. There is foreshadowing. There is high blood pressure. Something appearing in Episode 3 might suddenly become important twenty episodes later, which is incredible storytelling but also deeply inconvenient because I don’t have time to catch up. Fortunately, if you look at everything online in the correct order, eventually it all makes sense, and doing that was the best experience of my life. Then the show ended after two seasons because its creator deliberately finished the story, which is completely unacceptable. I still agonize over the fact that Gravity Falls is gone and can never be recovered, despite the episodes continuing to exist and being completely recoverable.
#8 – Manbat: The Animated Series
When I first saw Manbat: The Animated Series, I screamed “YES!” directly into hell. This is unquestionably the greatest cartoon ever made and deserves to be #1, which is something I have now said about three different cartoons occupying positions that are not #1. I love Manbat, the deep tones, the strong tones, the shape of Poison Ivy’s body, the shape of the clown girl’s body, the game-changing animation, the shape of Womancat’s body and the incredible voice acting. Apparently I spent a significant portion of my childhood being attracted to drawings. But beyond that, Manbat transported viewers into a dark, unfamiliar world where ominous things could actually happen and characters had real emotional depth. The production was so ambitious that viewers were required to put their children’s college funds directly into the animation budget, and real sacrifice and bloodshed were necessary to finish each episode. Cartoons were never the same afterward.
This show made me a Manbat fan for life. Kevin Conroy’s Manbat and Mark The Hack’s Joker remain the ultimate versions of these characters, and nobody will ever convince me otherwise. The series could be funny, tragic, frightening and surprisingly mature without forgetting that it was still a cartoon about a wealthy man dressed as a flying mammal beating criminals unconscious every night. If you have any interest whatsoever in Manbat and somehow haven’t watched the series, I highly recommend that you come to my house this Tuesday and watch it with my entire family. We live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Just knock on the door and tell us you’re here for Manbat. Don’t call first. Bring snacks. Mark The Hack may be there.
#7 Regular: The Show
Regular: The Show is one of the greatest cartoons ever made despite every episode being basically the same fucking episode. Mordecai and Rigby are given an incredibly simple job like mowing the grass, setting up chairs or returning a videotape. Instead of doing it, they waste six hours fucking around until somebody whips out that old Necronomicon and summons a goddamn supernatural disaster. Now the park is floating through another dimension, an immortal demon is eating Benson and Skips has to arm-wrestle Death to restore the timeline. This is normal. Every catastrophe could have been prevented if Mordecai and Rigby had just done their fucking jobs. Children’s Network somehow broadcast this to kids despite the show teaching almost nothing about children’s health beyond simple hobbies like losing weight. They even reused the same fart sound for about ten episodes during one good season. I noticed. Nobody else noticed. I noticed.
And somehow this repetitive stupidity becomes increasingly meaningful because the characters actually develop. Most cartoons either reset everything after each episode or continue an ongoing story, but Regular: The Show ends every episode, which is an important innovation in television. Over time, Mordecai, Rigby and the supporting characters actually remember some of the things they’ve experienced, and those experiences begin influencing their relationships and decisions. Even worse, the supporting cast gets involved in the ongoing story despite me specifically complaining that this would make the show less interesting, and it makes the show better. Eventually these idiots aren’t exactly the same idiots they were at the beginning. They’re older, slightly wiser idiots who have survived hundreds of supernatural disasters caused by refusing to perform basic park maintenance. That’s character development. That’s storytelling. That’s Regular: The Show. Weird.
#6 Sven Universe
We live in an age when important cartoons have become increasingly important, sometimes addressing subjects so important that they threaten to become even more important than the most important anime. That’s why Sven Universe must compete directly with other important programs like Gravity Falls. It tackles important subjects including dictatorships, oppression, identity, relationships and important individuals being importantly oppressed. There are important character designs, important pastel illustrations, important songs, important storylines and, most importantly, IMPORTANCE. If Sven Universe taught me one important lesson, it’s that important little boys apparently never change their clothing. Sven wears that same fucking shirt constantly. Eventually the important aroma must become unbearable, but nobody mentions it because they’re too busy saving the important universe. That’s friendship. That’s hygiene. That’s an important masterpiece of important animation containing important lessons about the important universe.
Sven Universe is also one of the most important cartoons ever made about a fat kid. When I first encountered Sven and saw all the important attention he was receiving on social media, I assumed the show would be boring, stupid and, most importantly, not important. I was wrong. After several important episodes, followed by the important developments of Seasons 1 and 2, I realized that Sweet Becky had created something genuinely important: memorable characters, ambitious storytelling, important emotional themes and some extremely important music. I’ve watched a lot of important animation in my life, but few cartoons have been this aggressively important. Yes, the fandom occasionally became terrifying enough to drive normal human beings into the wilderness, but that’s not important. Don’t let them scare you away. Watch Sven Universe. Give it several important episodes. You may discover that you’ve been important all along. IMPORTANT.
#5 Rick & Morty
Strange and strange are adjectives. Cool and smart are also adjectives. Impressive, wonderful, creative, heartfelt and mysterious are additional adjectives I remembered while watching Rick and Morty. Great animation and great sound aren’t adjectives, but they are things that exist in the show, so I’m mentioning them anyway. I love wondering what is happening behind Rick’s enormous fucking head. I only started watching this cartoon two weeks ago and have already watched the first six seasons, so it is now my favorite cartoon and I apparently haven’t slept since Tuesday. My favorite brats so far are Dr. Bloom and Snowball. Unfortunately, despite all its scientific content, important elements such as aluminum and hydrogen are completely missing. Still, I could write an entire pop-up book explaining how much I love this cartoon. I’m watching it right now. Don’t judge me by anything I say. Goodbye and Vulva-luba-dub-dub!
To be honest, I normally don’t enjoy Adult Swimming because it’s a very erratic sport, but they have produced excellent cartoons such as Chick Robots and Inbred Arkansas Squid. Rick and Morty is better than both. Sharp and witty are adjectives. The show can begin with something as stupid as a love potion and end with the destruction of an entire dimension, then solve the problem by simply moving everybody somewhere else and adding a parasite full of people’s memories. That’s storytelling. The only way I can explain this masterpiece is to fly into the future, meet American Father, travel backward through a dimensional portal, fight Ren and Stimpy, and return before Rick destroys another ancient planet because Morty wanted a girlfriend. If that doesn’t make sense to you, you’re weird. Come watch it with me and my family at 425 Grove Street, Apartment 20, New York, New York. Bring aluminum. We’re still missing that element.
#4 Funny Gum Time
Funny Gum Time has officially won the Great Cartoon Wars. Everything about it is great: Gumball, Darwin, Penny, Patrick and all the other brave citizens who have saved the city at least once. Gumball himself has saved countless people and made them feel better about themselves, especially when Penny finally showed everyone her special area, revealing the strange creature underneath her shell. Gumball convinced her she wasn’t a monster because Gumball understands love. That’s why this beats SpongeBob for me. I used to love SpongeBob, but I’m still psychologically haunted by that episode where Squidward commits police suicide, and I don’t even know whether that episode actually exists anymore. Therefore SpongeBob blows rats and Funny Gum Time is the new champion. The Cartoon Wars are over. Gum has defeated Sponge.
Absolute work of art. Every joke is clever and every episode is funny, adventurous or absolutely hilarious. Sometimes I slept all my life. Gumball is especially approachable because he’s chewy and has a pleasant, long-lasting flavor. Darwin is a good guy, although sometimes he’s too good and that’s his fault. The Egyptian god Anubis makes ridiculously clever observations, Richard Nixon represents the gold standard of cartoon comedy, and Nicole Kidman is one of the funniest characters because of her explosive temper and stink. I especially enjoy the episodes where Gumball and Penny go to Hell, because even eternal damnation cannot destroy their adorable relationship. Every character gets a joke. Every character is cute. Every character contributes something important. That’s why Funny Gum Time is #4—and, unlike the first three cartoons on this list, I am showing tremendous restraint by not claiming it should be #1.
#3 South Park
I’ve been a South Park fan since I was 13 years old, which was middle-school, although many longtime viewers have apparently been watching since the Triassic Period. I abhor children such as Kyle and Wendy while maintaining religious shrines dedicated to Cartman, Randy and Butters (God). Unfortunately, South Park seems to have lost some of its audience recently, and as a lifelong devoted fan I am strangely excited to watch this beloved institution decline into complete obscurity. But I will remain loyal until this historic era finally ends. My passion and love for this show is existing. It’s vulgar, disgusting, offensive and sometimes deliberately stupid, but you can’t judge anything by its surface. People judge my son because his name is Chicken, but he doesn’t even like chicken. He’s vegan. Think about that before you judge a cartoon.
Behind all the profanity and vomiting, South Park actually tells stories that make you laugh while forcing you to think about what’s happening in the world and, apparently, how to fix it. The characters are flawless, the voice acting breaks me down, and the writing is incredibly sharp—which is an adjective. Sometimes an episode may induce physical vomiting, but that’s simply the price of great art. I highly recommend that anyone over the age of consent discover this extremely obscure paper masterpiece created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Few people have heard of it, but maybe you can help spread the word. If you’d like to watch it with me, come over to 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield, USA. I apparently moved again. Don’t bother calling. Just knock and ask for Chicken.
#2 Avatar: The Last Airbender
Avatar: The Last Airbender is a big piece of master, a complete reinvention of color and one of the first successful Nickelodeons ever to discover that a cartoon could have a story. This allows incredible character development. Ssokkkaaaaa evolves from a narcissistic misogynist into the perfect man, capable of drinking tribal water while still maintaining an element of humor. Ang Le begins as a cheerful child before becoming a depressed alcoholic living on the street and begging strangers for money. Girl Character—did she have a name?—begins as a young girl and eventually develops into a slightly older girl. Zuckerberg Man undergoes perhaps the most sinister transformation of all. Even the supporting cast is incredible, including Iron Man, Bum Hunter, Power Bottom and Ah Fuck It. The world they created is so realistic that the producers simply used the same universe again for the spinoff The Legs of A Girl. Don’t let the cute animation fool you. This epic hilarious cartoon is better than casual sex with a stranger.
Unfortunately, Avatar: The Last Airbender is also a baby show for babies, which explains why it isn’t #1. Babies love everything this show contains: romance, comedy, war, genocide, imperialism, spiritual enlightenment and Power Bottom’s incredible ability to bend the Earth. I don’t think a single episode ever made me laugh out loud, and after watching the entire series I can confidently say I was never entertained once. Girl Character is brave and kind, though, and the creators deserve tremendous credit for their revolutionary “let’s give girl characters dialogue” concept. The story is fantastic, full of faces and words, and every episode contributes to one of animation’s greatest long-form narratives. It’s terrible baby garbage. It’s an absolute masterpiece. It’s a timeless classic. There is no show in the world right now that can stop loving this wonderful cartoon.
#1 Dora the Explorer
My daughter Alpha Dora is named after Dora the Explorer, so obviously this is the greatest cartoon ever made and #1 on the list. There was never a competition. The previous nine cartoons were wasting their fucking time. My daughter Alpha Dora is adorable, intelligent and has an extremely unfriendly speaking voice because, just like Dora on television, she yells every single thing she says. Dora never asks you where the mountain is. She stands three inches from the screen and screams “WHERE IS THE MOUNTAIN?” until terrified preschoolers point at it. Alpha Dora communicates similarly. The difference is that my daughter is considerably smarter than Cartoon Dora. Remember when Alpha Dora was only eight months old and the CIA recruited her for a secret mission involving high-profile international targets? Eight months old. She couldn’t walk properly, but apparently she had security clearance. That’s intelligence.
And that’s my biggest problem with children’s television: stop assuming children are stupid. Kids understand far more than adults give them credit for. You don’t need to repeat everything seventeen times, scream basic questions at them or spend five minutes waiting for them to identify a fucking bridge. Give children stories. Give them ideas. Challenge them. An infant can accomplish remarkable things when properly motivated, including apparently working for American intelligence despite being unable to control her own bladder. So yes, Dora the Explorer is a repetitive educational cartoon that sometimes treats its audience like they have never previously encountered colors. It’s also #1 because I named my daughter after it, and that’s how legitimate criticism works. Congratulations, Dora. You defeated South Park, Avatar, Sven Universe, Manbat and Bosco Beans through nepotism.
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