The Top 10 Talking Cats

The podcast I sometimes give reviews of movies to, Exploit It, did an episode about a movie called A TALKING CAT!?! That movie is terrible. The talking cat in that movie is terrible and sounds very evil – he makes me feel sad and uncomfortable and angry. I have decided in my wisdom to talk about the 10 talking cats that really are the best.

#10 [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] from Hocus Pocus

[UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] is a human-themed cat who has spent thousands of years protecting the home of the Hocus Pocus bitches. It’s an important job. Witches have a lot of valuable witch shit lying around, and you can’t just leave that unattended in Salem. Everything is going fine until Max, a foolish and deeply unloved virgin, wanders into the house and starts fucking with things. Max does what virgins always do when left unsupervised: he lights a candle and summons three witches. Now [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] has to save Max, save the other virgins, save Salem and somehow contain all the witchy-bitchy shenanigans before sunrise. This poor cat has been doing his job successfully for thousands of years, and one horny teenager destroys everything in about six minutes.

What makes [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] one of the greatest talking cats is his attitude. Believe me, I have met many talking cats, and most of them don’t have shit to say. [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] has lived the cat life and the people life, so he understands both worlds. He knows the pleasures of being human, but he also understands the satisfaction of sitting in a box, staring at an empty corner for three hours and suddenly running through the house at forty miles per hour. Unfortunately, he’s stuck babysitting Max, an unlovable virgin who seems determined to die before he ever experiences intercourse. [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] deserved better. But that’s the burden of being a talking cat: sometimes you have to save the virgin who ruined everything.

#9 Hat Cat from Hat Cat

Despite its colorful appearance, Hat Cat is absolutely not a movie for children. Hat Cat is simply too sexy. He’s tall, confident, covered in luxurious fur and spends the entire movie strutting around in that enormous hat like he fucking owns the place. It’s frankly irresponsible character design. But his personality is even worse. Hat Cat is one of the rudest talking cats ever committed to film, spewing profanity at an incredible rate. He says “fuck.” He says “damn.” Sometimes he says “shit.” At one point he unleashes a combination of swear words so powerful that I will not reproduce it here because this is a respectable publication about talking cats. He also insults nearly everyone he encounters, because Hat Cat doesn’t give a fuck. Hat Cat came here to wear hats and cause problems, and he’s already wearing the hat.

Things eventually spiral completely out of control. Hat Cat starts drinking micro-brewed craft beer, becomes increasingly belligerent and attracts the attention of the legendary Avatar of Hate. This is a catastrophic mistake. Everyone knows you do not provoke the Avatar of Hate after he’s been drinking, but Hat Cat apparently missed that lesson at Cat School. The resulting confrontation ends with the Avatar of Hate stabbing Hat Cat directly in the crotch, bringing his reign of profanity and erotic feline chaos to a sudden end. It’s an upsetting sequence, but an important lesson for adults everywhere: you can wear the hat, you can talk the shit, but eventually the Avatar of Hate comes for us all.

#8 Salem Saberweilder from Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Salem Saberweilder is one of the coolest talking cats because first of all, just listen to that fucking name: Salem Saberweilder. That’s a cat who means business. Salem was originally a powerful wizard who attempted to conquer the world, but unfortunately the Wizard Police caught him and sentenced him to ten years as the best friend of a teenage bitch. Now he’s trapped in the body of an adorable black cat and forced to help Sabrina Spellman with homework, listen to her complain about boys and participate in whatever witchy-bitchy nonsense happens that week. Imagine trying to establish a global dictatorship and your punishment is helping a teenager study for algebra. No wonder Salem is pissed off all the time.

But Salem hasn’t abandoned his ambitions. He’s playing the long game. Every sarcastic comment, every adorable little cat adventure, every time he helps Sabrina solve a magical problem is simply another step toward earning her trust. Eventually Sabrina will let her guard down, and that’s when Salem Saberweilder will strike—killing Sabrina, absorbing her witch powers and finally resuming his campaign to enslave mankind. That’s a fucking talking cat. I respect ambition. Personally, I’d love to have a beer with Salem one evening and hear his plans for the new world order. Would he eventually betray and murder me? Almost certainly. But that’s why I’d make sure he paid for the first round.

#7 Anuslicker The Aged from Cats

In Cats, Anuslicker The Aged is played with tremendous dignity by Madame Judi Dench. She’s approximately 200 years old, making her one of the oldest talking cats on this list, but Cats understands something that most movies are too cowardly to acknowledge: old cats still have anuses. In fact, the anus may be the one thing that truly unites us all. Rich or poor. Young or old. Human or cat. Somewhere beneath all our superficial differences, there is an anus. Yet Hollywood rarely discusses this. Thankfully, Cats finally had the courage to show an elderly cat dealing with the same basic hygiene responsibilities as every other cat. Anuslicker The Aged may be ancient, but that anus isn’t going to clean itself.

Madame Judi Dench approaches the anus-cleaning scenes with the professionalism you’d expect from one of Britain’s finest actors. There’s no vanity here. No attempt to make an elderly cat’s personal hygiene glamorous. Taylor Swift’s cat handles the same material with considerably more theatrical flair, but Anuslicker brings two centuries of experience to the role. It’s dirty. It’s unpleasant. It’s exactly what cleaning an old cat anus should be. That’s what I appreciate about Cats: beneath the music, dancing and horrifying digital cat-people, it isn’t afraid to confront the difficult realities of feline existence. Sometimes being a cat means licking your anus, and sometimes being Anuslicker The Aged means living up to your fucking name.

#6 Kuybey from Puella Magi Madoka Magica

Every magical girl receives a talking cat when she begins puberty. Nobody knows why. Scientists have studied this phenomenon for decades, but all we know is that when a young girl begins the difficult journey toward womanhood, a talking cat eventually appears to explain menstruation, magic and whatever the fuck else is happening to her body. Usually these puberty cats are helpful. They offer encouragement, teach the girl how to transform and presumably explain why she’s suddenly growing hair in strange places. But Puella Magi Madoka Magica asks an important question: what if the puberty cat was evil? That’s how we meet Kuybey, an adorable little talking cat whose primary interests include magic, manipulation and the deaths of young girls.

At first Kuybey seems like any other responsible puberty cat. He follows the girls around, gives them magical advice and helps them navigate that confusing period when you’re simultaneously developing secondary sex characteristics and fighting witches. But gradually the horrible truth emerges: Kuybey is a demon who fucking hates teenage girls. Everything about him is a trap. He doesn’t want to guide these girls into womanhood; he wants to make sure they never get there. That’s what makes Kuybey such an effective talking cat villain. Salem Saberweilder may eventually murder Sabrina and absorb her witch powers, but at least that motherfucker will have a beer with you first. Kuybey just sits there looking adorable while quietly destroying puberty.

#5 The Cheshire Cat from Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch

The Cheshire Cat from Disney’s original animated Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch is one weird fucking cat, and I want to emphasize that I am talking ONLY ABOUT THE ORIGINAL CARTOON. Tim Burton later made his own Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch, which I loathe and spit upon. Tim Burton is a hack and everyone in the world hates his movie. That’s not my opinion. That’s science. I conducted a Twitter poll asking whether Tim Burton’s Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch should exist, and the results were conclusive. Every human being on Earth participated. Eight billion people. Babies voted. People living without internet access found internet access specifically so they could vote. Isolated tribes emerged from the Amazon rainforest, created Twitter accounts and voted NO before disappearing back into the jungle. The people have spoken.

Anyway, actual talking cats are surprisingly unconcerned with human welfare, and the Cheshire Cat may be the finest example. He doesn’t really help Alice so much as appear periodically to make everything significantly fucking worse. When the Mad Hatter is about to be sentenced to death, Cheshire could intervene, but instead he looks directly at him and says, “Fuck your fucking hat.” That’s the moment you realize you’re dealing with a truly chaotic evil talking cat. He doesn’t care who wins. He doesn’t care who dies. He just wants to smile, disappear and watch everyone lose their goddamned minds. That’s why we love him. Unlike the computer fart masquerading as a Cheshire Cat in Tim Burton’s Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch, a movie which—according to the democratically expressed will of the entire human population of Earth—SHOULD NOT EXIST.

#4 Luna from Sailor Moon

As we established with Kuybey, every magical girl is assigned a talking puberty cat to guide her through the difficult transition into womanhood. Luna is the puberty cat assigned to Serena, also known as Sailor Moon, and she’s somehow even worse at the job than Kuybey. Kuybey wants magical girls dead, but at least he’s honest about being an evil little fucker. Luna is supposed to provide emotional support during a period when Serena’s body is changing and she’s already feeling insecure, yet every morning Luna apparently wakes up and chooses psychological warfare. “Hey Serena, you nasty fat bitch, lose weight.” “Serena, you disgusting fat snake.” Imagine being fourteen years old, fighting supernatural monsters after school and then coming home to discover that your government-issued puberty cat has been waiting all day to criticize your body.

Luna’s cruelty even extends to Serena’s own theme music. Sometimes she follows her around singing, “Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon, disgusting fat trick,” which isn’t helpful and doesn’t even fucking rhyme properly. This raises serious questions about whoever regulates puberty cats. Is there a licensing board? Can Serena request another cat? Is there a number she can call? Because Luna should not be working with adolescents. Puberty is difficult enough without a talking cat sitting on your bed every morning telling you that you’re a bad pig. Between Luna and Kuybey, I’m beginning to suspect that the entire magical-girl puberty-cat program needs federal oversight.

#3 The Aristocats from The Aristocats

The Aristocats are a bunch of rich, mean, bourgeois fucking jerks. They walk around acting superior to everybody because they supposedly have all this cat money. Bullshit. Have you ever met a cat with money? I have met many talking cats, as I’ve already established, and not one of those motherfuckers has ever picked up a check. Cats don’t have jobs. They don’t pay taxes. They don’t understand banking. Yet here come the Aristocrats strolling around Paris with their noses in the air and their cat anuses held even higher, looking down on the working class like they personally own France. Where did the money come from? What labor did these cats perform to accumulate this wealth? Show me their tax returns.

And they don’t just talk—they fucking sing. That’s how wealthy these cats are. Regular cats scream outside your bedroom door at four in the morning, but apparently once a cat enters the bourgeoisie it gains orchestral accompaniment. Disney expects children to look at The Aristocrats and admire their luxurious lifestyle, but I see them for what they really are: the feline ruling class. Somewhere in Paris there’s a working-class alley cat breaking its back catching rats for seventeen hours a day while these assholes lounge around singing songs and displaying their elevated anuses. Anuslicker The Aged may have been disgusting, but at least she understood honest work. The Aristocrats have contributed nothing to society. Damn them and their supposed cat money.

#2 Fuck the Cat from Crumb

Fuck the Cat sits down and checks his phone, but nothing comes up. Nobody calls. Nobody texts. Every two hours he changes the channel. Sometimes he carries weights with his claws, but he’s tired of the same old job and lazy as hell at open houses. He mutters. He bites his lip. He closes his eyes and whispers, “Take me to heaven.” Fuck the Cat is blind as hell and boring as shit. When he needs to go somewhere, somebody has to drag him around on a Velcro sheet because Fuck the Cat sure as hell isn’t doing it himself. He feels like a summer dog stuck in a summer alley. He locked the cell door and lost the key. Where are his goals? There are no goals. There is no time. There is no motivation. Smoking is the trigger.

Fuck the Cat sits down again and checks his phone. Still nothing. Call it pathetic. Call it whatever the fuck you want. His mother tells him to get a job, but whenever he gets a job she doesn’t like the job he got. So what’s Fuck the Cat supposed to do? He can’t keep living like this. Or maybe he can. Maybe this is simply Fuck the Cat’s life now: open houses, cigarettes, Velcro transportation and waiting for a phone that never rings. Somewhere a television changes channels every two hours. Somewhere Fuck the Cat is muttering again. If masturbation is not fun, you become a lazy person.

#1 Duffy from A Talking Cat!?!

Fuck this cat with a bar. Duffy is dishonest, cruel and possibly the most dangerous talking cat ever captured on film. A Talking Cat?!? is a strange movie by Mr. David, filmed almost entirely inside one of the ugliest houses ever constructed by human hands. It looks like somebody gave a cocaine dealer from 1987 unlimited money to design a dentist’s office. Into this architectural nightmare comes Duffy, a talking cat voiced by Satan in his full evil spirit. Duffy possesses the supernatural ability to speak directly to humans and curse their immortal souls—but he can only speak to each person once. That’s all he fucking needs. One conversation with Duffy and you’re damned forever. No appeals. No second chances. No unsubscribing. STAY AWAY FROM THIS CAT.

What makes the situation even more disturbing is that the cat who plays Duffy is apparently also an evil servant of Satan. Think about that. They already had Satan providing the voice, but Mr. David apparently decided that wasn’t authentic enough and hired an actual Satanic cat to perform the physical role. That’s method acting taken too fucking far. Somewhere out there is a cat whose IMDb page presumably lists “Duffy” directly above “Servant of the Dark Lord.” I have met many talking cats in my life. Some were rude. Some were evil. Some hated teenage girls. Some possessed enormous amounts of unexplained cat money. But Duffy is different. If you ever encounter Duffy and he begins speaking to you, DO NOT LISTEN. Your eternal soul depends upon it.