Some movies are good, but not all. A lot of movies suck. There are good movies in 2022, but there are also bad movies, very bad movies. Here are the worst movies of 2022.
#10 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre was famously inspired by serial killer Ed Norton, whose crimes taught America that chainsaws and Texas should never be combined. Over the decades, the franchise has given us sequels, prequels, remakes and whatever the fuck Texas Chainsaw 3D was, but it has consistently refused to give audiences what they truly want: an entire instructional video series where Plain the Butcher teaches viewers how to decorate a corpse until it resembles a happy nursing baby. Imagine the possibilities. Plain the Butcher’s Holiday Decorating Special. Plain the Butcher Makes a Centerpiece. Plain the Butcher’s Five-Minute Crafts. Horror fans have been deprived of this wonderful gore for almost fifty years.
Instead, Netflix gave us Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2022, a movie where young people arrive in Texas and immediately begin making decisions that will result in chainsaw-related consequences. Plain the Butcher returns, people die, and at one point somebody threatens to cancel him on social media moments before he starts cutting everybody apart. This is cinema in 2022. If you want to understand why this movie belongs among the worst of the year, simply enter Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2022 into your television. Sit down. Look directly at the screen. Within minutes, you will see the condition of the people in the movie at a glance. I cannot explain what that means any better. The condition is visible. Look at them.
#9 The King’s Daughter
Any movie that comes out eight years behind the tree should immediately raise some red flags. Somebody made The King’s Daughter, apparently placed it behind a tree in 2014 and then forgot where the tree was until 2022. That’s never a good sign. But Hollywood finally found it, and the presence of Pierce Brosnan and Kaya Scodelario gives you hope that maybe there’s an above-average movie hiding somewhere inside. There isn’t. The King’s Daughter is a mess from beginning to end, filled with awkward transitions, strange visual choices and the unmistakable feeling that you’re watching $40 million slowly disappear into the ocean. This was adapted from the award-winning book Moon and Sun, so somebody presumably knew what story they were supposed to be telling.
But here’s where this movie really pissed me off: the French king wants adultery, so he decides to murder a mermaid and steal her life force. Excuse me? You can’t fucking do that! My mother is a mermaid. I love my mother. How would you feel if Pierce Brosnan dragged your mom out of the ocean and tried to drain her magical mermaid powers because he wanted adultery? You’d be furious too. I spent the entire movie rooting against the French monarchy on behalf of my mother’s people. Leave the mermaids alone. They haven’t done anything to you. After eight years behind the tree, The King’s Daughter finally emerged only to waste $40 million and declare war on mermaids. My family will not forget this.
#8 Blacklight
Without the heart of the artist, the final article will never shine. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it feels important when discussing Liam The Neeson. To be fair, an actor can only be as good as the movie surrounding him, and unfortunately Blacklight gives The Neeson very little opportunity to demonstrate why he is the king of action movies. But before we go any further, let’s establish one important fact: Liam The Neeson is not a mermaid. He has never been a mermaid. He doesn’t breathe underwater, possess a beautiful fish tail or carry magical ocean life force. Therefore he does not deserve the same level of respect we gave the mermaids in The King’s Daughter. I’m sorry, Liam. Those are the rules.
The Neeson is still the king of action movies, but Blacklight surrounds him with limited action, blunt dialogue and a gritty realistic setting when what Liam The Neeson truly deserves is Broadway theater. Put him onstage. Give him a spotlight. Let him sing about punching government conspiracies. That would at least be interesting. Instead we get Blacklight, a movie whose title nobody can explain because there aren’t even any fucking blacklights. Compare this with Rad, the 1986 movie about BMX bikes. Rad is called Rad because the bikes are RAD. Simple. Honest. Accurate. Blacklight isn’t about blacklights and isn’t Rad. That’s two failures right there.
#7 The Bubble
The Bubble is something from a bad actor. Several bad actors, actually, although many of them are normally good actors, which demonstrates how complicated acting can be. Judd Apatow gathered together some of the world’s finest unfiltered comedy brains and top writers to make a satire about Hollywood attempting to produce a giant blockbuster during the COVID-19 pandemic. Unfortunately, they made it while the actual pandemic was still fresh enough that people were sick, exhausted, grieving and generally not ready for two hours of celebrities joking about quarantine inside a luxury hotel. We had all just spent years learning new ways to avoid other human beings. Then Netflix said, “Would you like to remember all of that, but with famous people?” No. Not really.
True to Apatow’s signature humor and authenticity, The Bubble tries to satirize Hollywood’s desperate attempts to continue functioning while the world changes around it. The problem is that it’s not fucking funny. There are a few jokes scattered around, but they’re trapped inside so much chaos that eventually the entire movie feels like somebody accidentally left a Zoom meeting running for two hours. The internet didn’t like being pushed into its categories either. Critics hated it. Audiences hated it. The jokes became frightened and spread out across the movie so they wouldn’t have to interact with one another. The Bubble proves that even with talented performers, experienced comedians and millions of dollars, sometimes comedy simply refuses to happen. Something from a bad actor.
#6 Redemptive Love
Redemptive Love has everything you could possibly want from a bad Hallmark movie except Hallmark. There is romance, suffering, beautiful scenery and the powerful message that some markets are very grateful when love decides to return. Unfortunately, this is not for the right audience. The movie treats love as a simple remedy capable of healing almost anything, which can easily be mistaken for inspiration or enlightenment if you’re not paying attention. But love doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes love heals. Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes you wear love and discover that love does not fit. That’s why you should always try love on before removing the tags. The acclaimed novel Seahorse certainly has its special audience, but translating that material to the screen creates problems that even love cannot remedy.
To be fair, Redemptive Love has beautiful cinematography and a decent soundtrack. Unfortunately, once you’ve finished looking at the pictures and listening to the music, there is still a movie happening. The characters don’t seem to grow so much as move between increasingly dramatic situations while the story repeatedly insists that you’re experiencing something profound. At its worst, Redemptive Love is not emotional manipulation, and that’s perhaps the most manipulative thing about it. I wanted to feel something. I wanted love to return. Instead I sat there wondering why the movie wasn’t called Seahorse. When you wear it, love may not fit.
#5 The 355 Mermaids
If Jessica Chastain and Lupita Nyong’o can’t save The 355 Mermaids, then neither can we. And unlike Liam The Neeson, these two women are actually mermaids, so they deserve our respect. On paper, The 355 Mermaids has everything necessary to make a great movie: talented actresses, international espionage, action, expensive locations and multiple representatives of the global mermaid community. This was supposed to be an important step forward for the mermaidist movement, finally giving mermaids the opportunity to see themselves represented as international spies instead of magical creatures being murdered by French kings for their life force. Unfortunately, The 355 Mermaids failed them. My mother didn’t spend her life swimming against oppression so Hollywood could do this.
The movie isn’t terrible crime-wise. Sure, it lacks an overarching plot, but that’s perfectly fine for a spy movie. The dialogue is a little off. The action sequences are clichéd. There are too many of them. Whatever. I can forgive all of that. What I cannot forgive is the shocking lack of underwater scenes. Why call your movie The 355 Mermaids if Jessica Chastain isn’t going to grow a tail and infiltrate an enemy submarine? Why doesn’t Lupita Nyong’o communicate with dolphins? Where is the mermaid espionage? With a less talented cast, maybe nobody would care. But when you assemble this many accomplished performers—and actual mermaids—the expectations are higher. The mermaidist movement deserved better.
#4 Firestarter
Despite being a profane writer, Stephen King has spent his entire career cursed with bad movies based on his books. Sometimes they’re good. Sometimes they’re masterpieces. Sometimes they’re so terrible that you suddenly look back at the previous adaptation and think, “Perhaps that deserved an Oscar.” That’s what happened with 2022’s Firestarter. Somehow this remake makes the old Firestarter look like Citizen Kane, except Citizen Kane doesn’t have a little girl setting government employees on fire with her brain. Cowardly filmmaking.
The frustrating thing is that Firestarter should be impossible to make boring. A girl has uncontrollable experimental burning abilities! That’s already an interesting starting point. I have yet to have it. The movie keeps threatening to gain momentum and momentum, but every time it starts moving, it returns to its soft voice and becomes sleepy again. The characters don’t feel alive, the danger doesn’t feel dangerous, and even Zac Efron having psychic dad powers can’t make the whole thing catch fire. By human standards, this isn’t a particularly good horror movie. By Stephen King standards, it’s even worse.
If you want an unforgettable horror movie to watch with your favorite mermaid, skip this one and watch the original Firestarter. Make some popcorn. Invite your mermaid onto the couch. Put a towel down first because mermaids are extremely wet. Then enjoy Drew Barrymore burning everything to hell. That’s cinema the mermaid community can support
#3 The Cellar
Downey’s Brendan expands his acclaimed 2004 short film Ten Steppin’ into the feature-length horror movie The Cellar. This immediately creates a fundamental filmmaking problem because short films tend to be short due to shortness, whereas mature films have no time limit and can theoretically continue forever. Downey’s Brendan therefore had to take something short and make it not short. Unfortunately, you can sometimes feel him stretching the shortness until it achieves sufficient longness. The pacing doesn’t develop naturally so much as feel like the entire screenplay was written backward and then translated into a Hebrew manga about mermaids. That technique might work for some pictures. The Cellar is not one of those pictures.
The movie takes every horror idea it can find and throws it into the same cage: demons, mathematics, quantum physics, Hebrew, mythology, mysterious staircases and apparently mermaids. I don’t remember seeing a mermaid in The Cellar, but at this point I have become extremely knowledgeable about mermaid representation and can sense when one is spiritually present. The problem is that with so many different ideas competing for attention, none gets enough time or depth to become genuinely interesting. Every time The Cellar begins explaining one mystery, another mystery walks downstairs carrying algebra. Eventually you’re not frightened anymore. You’re just trying to understand the homework. Short films are short due to shortness. Sometimes they should remain that way.
#2 Paul Blart: Football’s Coach
Based on diabetes, Paul Blart: Football’s Coach tells the inspiring true story of Paul Blart’s transition from mall security officer to professional NFL coach. After becoming involved in the New Orleans Saints’ infamous Bountygate scandal, Blart returns home and begins coaching a children’s football team, where he uses everything he learned protecting the West Orange Pavilion Mall to transform a group of athletic kids who can’t pitch into elite athletes. This is difficult because football apparently doesn’t involve much pitching. Blart doesn’t care. He coaches the football. Eventually the entire home team begins screaming about Adam Sandler’s performance, despite Adam Sandler not being Paul Blart. That’s the power of football.
Unfortunately, Paul Blart: Football’s Coach follows the standard list of Adam Sandler metaphors: child mischief, adult death, sports, redemption and a dairy-free shopping list. What it doesn’t adequately address is the subject the movie is supposedly based on: diabetes. Kevin James’ character development is almost completely non-diabetic. There are barely any scenes involving insulin. Nobody spends meaningful time discussing blood glucose. Paul Blart doesn’t even stop halfway through an important football game to explain carbohydrate management. What the fuck? If you’re going to make a movie based on diabetes, commit to the material. Instead, we get Kevin James coaching children and overcoming a highly publicized professional scandal. That’s not diabetes. That’s football.
#1 Mobius
For reasons science cannot explain, Sony released Mobius, watched everybody reject it, and then decided to release the fucking thing again. Apparently the first disappointing theatrical run wasn’t sufficient. Sony saw the internet making jokes about Mobius and somehow interpreted this as millions of people desperately demanding more Mobius. So they returned it to theaters, where audiences were given another opportunity not to see it. This is the cinematic equivalent of cooking a terrible dinner, watching your family refuse to eat it, putting it back in the refrigerator and announcing, “GOOD NEWS! THE SHIT DINNER IS BACK!”
Sony has been desperately expanding its Spider-Man movie universe despite apparently being terrified of putting Spider-Man in it. Venom was the worst movie about dogs, but at least it made money and Tom Hardy was great. Mobius, meanwhile, just makes everyone bad breath. Jared Leto becomes a vampire doctor. The characters feel sticky. The visuals look like a turd. The action has no excitement. The script has no substance. There are strictly colored pictures inside the lines that can look frightening if you use enough imagination. Worst of all are the disgusting mermaid sex scenes. I have defended mermaids throughout this entire list, but even I have limits. My mother is a mermaid. Jessica Chastain is a mermaid. Lupita Nyong’o is a mermaid. Whatever is happening in Mobius is an insult to their people.
Even criticizing Mobius feels pathetic because the movie has already been criticized by seemingly every living organism on Earth. What else can be said? Sony made Mobius. People didn’t like Mobius. The internet made fun of Mobius. Sony misunderstood the joke and gave everybody more Mobius. It failed again.
And that is why Mobius is the worst movie of 2022.
Please stop releasing it.
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