Batman is part man part bat but mostly man with some bat qualities but no bat DNA. Bruce Wayne’s millionaire parents probably did have sex with bats because rich people are weird, but they never created a bat person hybrid. Bruce Wayne is just a rich dude with a bat fursona that tosses on his bat costume to yiff crime. There are movies.
#10 – Batman and Others
Batman is part of a large community of other furries and cosplayers. In this movie from director Joel, Batman goes to Gotham’s FurCon and meets some new friends. He goes with his young partner (the “we fuckin’ but bein’ vague ’bout it” kinda partner) Robin, a young gay man who likes to dress as a robin. At FurCon they meet up with BatGirl who likes to be a bat too. Batgirl is the daughter of the police commissioner though and has to keep this secret because it would look really bad for her father if people knew she was going to conventions and inviting strangers to hop on into the bat cave between her legs.
But not everyone at FurCon is nice. There is a plant woman, Poison Ivy, who is partnered up with some dumb dude that’s doing the worst Bane cosplay ever. There is also an ice man that has a big ice fetish and talks about ice and frozen things all the time.
#9 – Batman Furever
Furries are some of the most oppressed people in the world. I know this because when I dress up in my rabbit fursona and have sex with my fiancee, people get very upset. They bully me and say things like, “You can’t do that in Burger King! Go home!” Batman knows this struggle. Ever since he saw his millionaire parents murdered by a crime man, he has struggled to be a bat. In Batman Furever, Batman sets out with his “partner” Robin to make the world save for all furries, forever.
The anti-fur brigade is led by two evil people. There is The Riddler, played by Jim Carrey, who I think has an orgasm at one point. And Tommy Lee Jones plays Two Faces, a man that has two faces. He has a left face and a right face and in one scene he bangs Drew Barrymore with his two dicks.
The movie is very colorful and very bright so you might think it’s like a cartoon and safe for kids but it’s not. Batman Furever has a lot of hardcore fursuit fuckin’ and unless you want to explain that to your kids, don’t show them this.
#8 – The Dark Knight Rises
Batman sometimes thinks of himself as a knight. But it’s not legitimate. He was dubbed “The Dark Knight” by the guy playing a king at a Medieval Times restaurant. I had to learn the hard way (after a long legal battle and charges of disturbing the peace) that the king at Medieval Times restaurant is not actually the king of anything. When you get dubbed “knight” by the king at a Medival Times restaurant, it is actually just playing pretend, it’s not real. But Batman doesn’t know that yet.
Batman finds a girl in the neighborhood to play pretend with, a girl that likes to pretend to be a cat. So Batman and Catgirl hang out in his treehouse and play pretend games about the Knight and the Pussycat. But there is a man out there named Bane that is definitely not playing pretend. Bane actually is an evil and dangerous man that is actually killing people and causing massive destruction. But Batman and Catgirl put on their costumes and play pretend at him. It doesn’t end happy.
#7 – Batman (1966)
This is a very old movie that comes from a time when people didn’t know what bats were. This winged mammal thing had only recently been discovered and this movie shows the struggle to understand just what a bat is? Where did bats come from? What do bats do? What do bats want? This movie is about a young Batman trying to find the answers to those questions.
Everyone else in the movie knows who they are and what they do. The Joker knows what a joker is, The Penguin knows what a penguin is, Catgirl knows what a cat is. The Riddler knows what a riddle is. But Batman does not know what a bat is. He wonders “Do bats were belts?” “Do bats secrete a spray to repel sharks?” “What is bat?” He wanders this movie from person to person asking “Please Ceasar Romero, tell me, what is bat?” Will he find the answers he seeks?
#6 Batman (1989)
This is the first Batman movie to be directed by Tim Burton. He is a man that is more popular in Canada. So popular in Canada that there is a whole chain of thousands of restaurants in Canada serving food and coffee called “Tim Burtons.”
This one is the one where Batman plays pretend at The Joker who makes many jokes that are all solid because Jack Nicholson is a famous comedian. The movie was a success because playing pretend was very popular in the 1980s. It was a time when people played pretend that trickle down economics worked, people played pretend that a War on Drugs would stop the drugs. So of course everyone loved the movie where millionaire Bruce Wayne played pretend as a bat and never trickled down his economics or stopped drugs.
#5 – Batman Returns
He returned, yeah. I dunno what you want me to say. It’s there in the title “Batman Returns.” He does a lot of returning. At the end of Batman, he had to go home because it was time for dinner and everyone was like “Okay, Batman, but return and play pretend with us again sometime soon.” And that’s what he does, he returns and plays pretend until it’s time to go home again.
#4 – Batman is a Lego
Ever since the first Batman movies started coming out there were always toys. Children all over the world could play pretend with the play pretend furry man. The toys were all so popular that instead of making another movie about Batman, they just made a movie about the toys.
The people that make Batman movies were sitting at the big table and asking each other “What kind of play pretend should Batman do next? Should he play pretend with penguins or scarecrows?” Then one wrinkled old story dude (because all the people that make up movies for us to consume are wrinkled old rich people), he said “What if Batman poked you in the foot while you were going to the bathroom barefoot in the middle of the night?” Another wrinkled old person said “What if Batman got sucked into the vacuum and rattled around until you had to turn the vacuum off and dig him out?” Finally it was a wrinkled old woman that said “What if a toddler choked to death on Batman?” And so they decided to make Batman a Lego and they made a lot of money to hoard.
#3 – The Dark Knight
Batman gets to hang out with The Jokester again. Only this Jokester is not funny at all, he is very serious and very evil. He wants to burn the world and watch it. Clowns look at this clown and say “I may be a clown but at least I’m not that evil.”
In this movie, Batman has to play pretend harder than he’s ever pretended before. He realizes that the only way to defeat the actor from A Knight’s Tale is to become a knight yourself. So that’s how he ends up in a Medieval Times restaurant to become knighted by just some guy named Lucius Fox who happens to be playing the king at that Gotham Medieval Times restaurant.
#2 – Batman Starts
Very well written and directed, has the perfect tone. The Dark Knight is very serious, and even though Heath Ledger is the best Jokester actor, I feel like they didn’t know what to do with him, which is why I like Mark Hamill better. This movie is well written. The weakest movie in the Dark Knight trilogy, the weakest move of all time. This is a new take on Batman, giving us a truly serious and realistic version of the Furry Crusader. The Rizz Al Skibidi and Scarecrow story is fantastic.
The Rizz Al Skibidi is one of Batman’s best villains and is played to perfection by Liam Neeson. Great story, and a great performance from Christian Bale. It was the beginning of what I believe to be the greatest story ever told.
#1 The Batman
This is the worst Batman movie ever made and is possibly the worst movie ever made. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided this should be #1 on this list. This shouldn’t even be on this list at all. You know that episode of Batman The Animated Series that’s called “I’ve got Batman in my Basement,” and it’s about Batman just hanging out in some kid’s basement like a chomo? That should be on this list before this stupid movie.
You have a guy that’s “The Penguin” but he doesn’t look anything like a penguin; he is just a fat dude. And there is a girl that is supposed to be like a Catgirl but she doesn’t do cat stuff, never once licks her own butthole. These people gotta know that if you’re gonna be a furry you gotta fuckin’ COMMIT. You want to go to Furry Con as a penguin, then get a real penguin fursona and don’t just walk in looking like fat Collin Ferrel. Get fucked, The Batman.
These Are Media Things 