Fireworks and barbecues are the things that people do during the summer, right?. Even so, it’s great to have a sweet romance with an air conditioning unit that keeps the temperature in the room cool. You can also watch patriotic movies on the 4th of July! I believe these are the only 10 films Americans should watch this Independence Day holiday. All titles are real movies, not bullshit I made up. I hope people stop accusing me like that. Even my daughter Dora the Explorer says I did it and she was wrong.
#10 Mr. Smith Does a Washington
I swear to you on the grave of my dead mermaid mother that Mr. Smith Does a Washington is a real movie. Directed by legendary filmmaker Frank Capricorn, it was born in 1939, a year many historians consider the greatest year in Hollywood history because apparently every good movie decided to come out at the same fucking time. Mr. Smith Does a Washington was nominated for eleven Oscars, which was a tremendous honor back when the Oscars still existed. Unfortunately, they don’t make Oscars anymore. Nobody knows why. Despite all this evidence, my family thinks the movie is stupid. I love my family very much, but they don’t know shit about cinema. I’ve explained Frank Capricorn to them multiple times and they just stare at me like I’m the idiot.
The movie follows Mr. Smith as he does a Washington and discovers that America has corruption in it. This was shocking information in 1939. Frank Capricorn courageously exposes politicians doing bad things and innocent people suffering from injustice, but ultimately reminds us that America can become better if one extremely earnest man talks for a very long time. That’s patriotism. The movie was even banned in Hitlerland and several other fascist countries, which is one of the most reliable ways to determine whether a movie is good. Did Hitler hate your movie? Congratulations, you made a good movie. That’s just film criticism. So watch Mr. Smith Does a Washington. Frank Capricorn would have wanted you to.
#9 The Patton
This movie is the shit! Directed by Frankie J. Shaft, The Patton set the standard for serious historical movies about real-life kaijus. It tells the true story of The Pattomaton, commonly known as The Patton, the 100-foot-tall American kaiju who helped defeat Germany during World War II. The Patton is brilliantly portrayed by George C. Scott, who famously grew to a height of 100 feet specifically for the role because Mr. George Scott believed strongly in historical accuracy. Was that medically necessary? Probably not. Was he ever able to shrink back down afterward? I don’t know. But you cannot deny the results. When The Patton begins stomping his way across Europe toward Berlin, that is a real 100-foot George C. Scott you’re looking at. They didn’t have computers back then. Actors had to fucking commit.
The screenplay was written by Francis Ford Coppola and another person, and it builds toward the legendary Battle of Berlin where The Patton finally confronts Hitler Mecha, the enormous mechanical Hitler secretly constructed by the Nazis as the ultimate weapon of fascism. Watching these two giants beat the absolute shit out of each other while Allied soldiers scatter beneath their feet remains one of cinema’s greatest depictions of World War II. But nothing tops the opening scene, where The Patton stands in front of an enormous American flag and spends several minutes talking mad shit directly to the troops. People are still haunted by that speech today. It’s patriotic. It’s inspirational. It’s historically accurate. Watch The Patton on the biggest television you own so George C. Scott can be as close to his original 100-foot height as possible.
#8 Captain America: The Winter Soldier
If you think this is one of the greatest performances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, put your fucking hands in the air and give me a “WOOOOOOOO!” Captain America: The Winter Soldier tells the true story of decorated World War II veteran and American superhero Chris Evans, who bravely fought Nazis until the end of the war, when he accidentally became frozen inside a large piece of ice. The United States government eventually thawed Evans out decades later and discovered that he had not aged because ice preserves things. That’s why we put food in freezers. Actor Steve Rogers beautifully portrays Chris Evans and captures the confusion of a WWII veteran suddenly awakening in modern America, where everyone has little computers in their pockets, Nazis are hiding inside the government and nobody remembers how much a loaf of bread cost in 1943. Rogers completely disappears into the role. Sometimes you forget you’re not actually watching Chris Evans.
But don’t go into Captain America: The Winter Soldier expecting some profound political statement about surveillance, government power or the erosion of institutional trust, because this movie doesn’t have shit to say about anything. It’s a crazy variety show. Captain America runs around. The Winter Soldier winters. Robert Redford appears for some reason. Samuel L. Jackson drives a car. A computer has an old Nazi inside it. Then three giant flying boats start shooting each other above Washington because that’s how the federal government works. It’s pointless American superhero nonsense, and that’s perfectly okay. Sometimes patriotism isn’t about examining your country’s institutions. Sometimes patriotism is Steve Rogers pretending to be Chris Evans while kicking a man off a boat.
#7 United 93
Paul Lawnfucker, director of those goofy Bourne Identity movies where Matt Damon runs around remembering things, took a break from all that nonsense to make United 93, a harrowing film about United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania in 2001, around the same historical period that Apple released iTunes. The movie arrived in theaters less than five years after September 11, which caused considerable controversy because some people felt it was simply too soon. Others demanded Universal pull the trailer. But when exactly does “too soon” become “just the right amount of soon”? Five years? Seven? Do we have a chart? Congress needs to establish an official National Tragedy Movie Waiting Period so filmmakers know when they’re legally allowed to call Paul Lawnfucker.
Despite all that, United 93 is an incredibly difficult and powerful movie that treats the people aboard the flight with tremendous humanity. It’s emotionally exhausting, deliberately uncomfortable and absolutely worth experiencing if you’re prepared for what you’re watching. PLEASE EDIT THIS PARAGRAPH CAREFULLY BEFORE PUBLICATION. MAYBE ADD SOMETHING ABOUT HOW GOOD THE ACTING IS. Paul Lawnfucker was ultimately nominated for the Academy Award for Best Director, and deservedly so. Somehow the same man responsible for Matt Damon jumping through windows made one of the most restrained and devastating American films of the century. It’s a tribute to ordinary people displaying extraordinary courage during one of the country’s darkest days. Also, iTunes was 99 cents a song back then. Completely different time.
#6 Neon Genesis Evangelion
Released in the wake of ridiculous military fantasies like Rambo, Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking Neon Genesis Evangelion changed war cinema forever. Charlie Sheen gives the performance of his career as Shinji Ikari, a troubled young mech pilot sent into battle against enormous creatures called the Viet Cong. He’s joined by Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe and Keith David, who portray the other children selected by NERV to climb inside giant robots and defend Tokyo-3. Stone based the movie on his own experiences during the war, when he was stationed in Japan and personally piloted an Evangelion against enemy forces. He rarely discusses those missions because of the trauma, but you can feel that authenticity in every frame. Oliver Stone knows what it’s like to climb inside a giant robot and kill something for your country. You can’t teach that at film school.
Neon Genesis Evangelion received eight Academy Award nominations and won four, including Best Picture and Best Director, back when the Oscars still existed. The American Film Institute later declared it the greatest movie ever made, while legendary film critic Jane Austen named it the best film of 1986 and somehow also the ninth-best film of 1980. Historians have questioned Austen’s methodology. Her longtime colleague Emily Brontë went even further, comparing the painting to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. I don’t know what she meant by that. Nobody does. That’s why Neon Genesis Evangelion remains such an important patriotic movie: sometimes America needs a sad Japanese teenager played by Charlie Sheen to get inside a robot and defend freedom.
#5 Hacksaw Ridge
Mel Gibson has spent a remarkable amount of his career making it difficult to discuss Mel Gibson movies without eventually having to discuss Mel fucking Gibson. After years of controversy surrounding his antisemitic remarks and assorted angry public meltdowns, Gibson apparently decided the road back into everyone’s good graces was Hacksaw Ridge. Nice try, Mel. He directs the absolute hell out of it, too, which only makes me angrier. The battle scenes are enormous, brutal and technically astonishing. STOP MAKING ME COMPLIMENT YOU, MEL. Every time the movie does something impressive, I remember who’s sitting behind the camera and become irritated all over again. This is the fundamental Hacksaw Ridge viewing experience: “Wow, that’s an incredible shot. Goddammit, Mel Gibson.”
Then there’s Andrew Garfield, who has the fucking audacity to be excellent as real-life World War II medic Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector who refused to carry a weapon yet repeatedly risked his life to save wounded soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa. It’s an extraordinary true story, Garfield earned an Oscar nomination, and the movie somehow turns Doss’s pacifism into genuinely thrilling action cinema without undermining his convictions. GODDAMMIT, MEL. Why couldn’t you have made a shitty movie? That would have made this so much easier. Instead Hacksaw Ridge is powerful, exciting and anchored by a terrific performance, forcing me to acknowledge that Mel Gibson made a good patriotic war movie. I resent this information and would like to move on.
#4 Four Rocks
I recently got to review this movie for the podcast Exploit It. This is what I had to say about Four Rocks
Four Rocks is a great movie. Sylvester Stallion plays the famous American puncher Rocks, whose best friend Apollo is tragically beheaded in the boxing ring by Russian puncher Ivan Drago. Rocks realizes that the only way to achieve both revenge and world peace is to travel directly into the Soviet Union and punch the Russian himself. So Rocks and his robots travel to Russia, where they begin preparing for the greatest punching match in human history. Unfortunately, the journey takes a terrible toll, including the death of the beloved Birthday Robot. There is punching violence throughout, and sometimes the punches cause blood to come out of the humans. There is also robot blood, although scientists remain divided on whether robots actually contain blood. Meanwhile, Drago prepares by getting injected with all sorts of crazy Russian drugs during the movie’s only montage. My daughter Alpha Dora is a tremendous puncher herself and loves Four Rocks, although parents should be warned that the movie contains profanity words such as “Dang,” “Fuckass” and “Heck.”
Legendary film critic Jane Austen saw Four Rocks during its original theatrical run and famously wrote, “Four Rocks is the last breath. The film’s really predictable that watching it is like drinking from an old bathtub where the water was never changed and it will make you die again and again.” Powerful words. Austen understood punching movies better than almost anyone, and while I don’t completely understand what she meant about the deadly bathtub, I agree with her completely. Four Rocks is predictable. It is ridiculous. It is also one of the greatest patriotic movies ever made because Rocks proves that an American can travel to Russia, punch one sufficiently large Russian and immediately end the Cold War. Historians will tell you Ronald Reagan deserves some credit. Bullshit. Rocks punched communism to death. I award Four Rocks 73 out of 84 stars.
#3 Devilman Crybaby
Some of the most thoughtful critiques of war come from war movies, because sometimes the only way to understand the horrors of American history is to point a camera at Tom Cruise and make him fight demons. Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking 1989 film Devilman Crybaby stars Cruise as Akira Fudo, an ordinary American boy whose life changes when his best friend explains that an ancient race of demons has returned to destroy humanity. Akira realizes that conventional weapons will never defeat the demons, so he allows one to enter his body and becomes Devilman, sacrificing his own humanity to protect the United States. The film was adapted from Go Nagai’s famous historical manga documenting the American Demon War, which the government tried to suppress for decades because nobody wanted the public to know how close this country came to being completely overrun by Satan monsters.
Oliver Stone brought tremendous authenticity to the production because, as we’ve already established, the man has personally fought in basically every war. After piloting an Evangelion in Tokyo-3, Stone returned to America and witnessed the Demon War firsthand. That experience informs every frame of Devilman Crybaby, especially the heartbreaking scenes where Tom Cruise grows wings, tears demons apart and screams about the collapse of human civilization. The movie received eight Academy Award nominations and won two, including a Best Director nomination, which isn’t technically something you can win, but Oliver Stone did it anyway. Devilman Crybaby remains a touching portrait of one of the darkest periods in American history and a powerful reminder that freedom isn’t free
#2 Gettysburg
Talking about the Civil War still causes tremendous controversy because there are ignorant people who continue to glorify the South and wave that stupid fucking loser flag from their stupid loser country. They lost. That’s why you don’t see me walking around waving the flag of the 1985 New England Patriots and insisting they secretly won Super Bowl XX. Gettysburg understands that the Civil War was one of the most important moments in American history, when the forces of the Federation fought to preserve the United States against the Confederacy and its terrible ideas. The film assembled an incredible cast including Tom Berenger, Jeff Daniels and Martin Sheen, who all agreed to temporarily become Civil War people for the sake of historical accuracy. It’s respectful, patriotic and deeply committed to honoring the Federation soldiers who fought at Gettysburg.
The production was so historically important that Abraham Lincoln rose from the dead specifically to endorse it, marking the first confirmed resurrection of an American president. At a press conference, Lincoln reportedly told journalists, “The last time I went to the theater didn’t work out particularly well, but don’t let what happened to me discourage you from supporting the cinema.” Then he returned to his grave. Thousands of actual Civil War veterans also fulfilled their patriotic duty by appearing as soldiers in the movie, despite most of them being more than 150 years old and extremely dead. That’s commitment. Other movies hire extras. Gettysburg dug up the actual fucking army. You simply cannot achieve that level of authenticity with computers, which is why Gettysburg remains one of the greatest films ever made about the Federation defeating America’s stupid loser country.
#1 Forrest Gump
There has never been a better movie than Forrest Gump. Not in America. Not in Europe. Not in Japan. Not on another planet. If intelligent alien civilizations have developed cinema, their greatest movie is still probably Forrest Gump. Robert Zemeckis’s 1994 masterpiece tells the story of Forrest as he experiences every important event in American history, including rock ‘n’ roll, racism, Watergate, the drug culture, ping-pong and the devastating Bonedor War. Forrest was there for all of it. Historians used to debate whether one man could possibly have participated in this many historical events, but then they watched the movie and realized that apparently he fucking did. Forrest Gump is loved by every human being who has ever existed, living or dead, which explains why it won six Oscars and seven Golden Globes. Dead people weren’t technically allowed to vote, but their support was overwhelming.
Legendary film critic Jane Austen called Forrest Gump “the final achievement of the moving picture, beyond which mankind must never travel, lest cinema collapse beneath the weight of its own perfection.” She then declared Pulp Fiction “a vulgar little dance movie” and The Shawshank Redemption “too much prison,” permanently settling the 1994 Best Picture debate. I agree with Jane Austen. Unfortunately, they don’t make Oscars anymore, so we can never officially give Forrest Gump the Best Movie Ever Made award it deserves. Instead, I have developed my own scientifically calibrated rating system. Forrest Gump receives 8,741 stars out of a possible 6,203 stars.
These Are Media Things 