The podcast I sometimes give reviews of movies to, Exploit It, did an episode about a movie called A TALKING CAT!?! That movie is terrible. The talking cat in that movie is terrible and sounds very evil – he makes me feel sad and uncomfortable and angry. I have decided in my wisdom to talk about the 10 talking cats that really are the best.
#10 [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] from Hocus Pocus
This human-themed cat has been protecting the home of the Hocus Pocus bitches for thousands of years. One day, a foolish, unloved virgin ruins everything, and [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] must help save the virgins and save the town of Salem from the witchy-bitchy shenanigans. What’s good about [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] is his attitude, he’s like the best talking cat. Believe me, I have met many talking cats. [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] may be the victim of a cursed virgin who wants to die. This talking cat just wants to be feeling the life of people, but that doesn’t stop him from enjoying the cat life whenever Max, the unlovable virgin, summons witches.
#9 Hat Cat from Hat Cat
This weird talking cat is not for kids because he is just way too sexy. Children should not watch this movie, but adults will enjoy admiring the talking cat’s amazing body and girthy cat penis. It’s not good for people to think that way, but you’ll catch yourself looking anyway. Hat Cat is incredibly rude and he spews profanity from his mouth at an incredible rate, including the words”fuck” and “damn” and some other dirty swear words that I dare not repeat. Hat Cat picks up a lecherous young woman and calls her a “dirty hole” before throwing her down onto the ground. Sometimes he says the word “shit.” After drinking some micro-brewed craft beer the legendary Avatar of Hate stabbed Hat Cat in the crotch.
#8 Salem Saberweilder from Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Salem Saberweilder is such a cool cat and he has a cool name. This adorable talking cat was a former wizard who was cursed to be a teenage bitch’s best friend for 10 years. This is his punishment for trying to take over the world. He now spends his time helping Sabrina Spellman with her homework, getting into weird witchy-bitchy nonsense with her friends, and awaiting his opportunity to kill Sabrina and absorb her witch powers. You see, he is a very evil talking cat. I love this chatty cat and would love to have a beer with him one evening.
#7 Anuslicker The Aged from Cats
In Cats, Anuslicker The Aged is played by Madame Judi Dench. The only thing humans and cats have in common is that we all have an anus, but no one ever talks about that. And we forget that even very old cats have an anus too. All cats lick feces around their anus, even older ones. Remarkably, the film shows us the fact that a 200-year-old cat also cleans her withered old anus with her tongue. It’s not as erotic as the scene where Taylor Swift’s cat cleans her anus. It’s dirty, wet, dirty and horrible, just as it should be.
#6 Kuybey from Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Magical girls always have talking cats as they go through puberty. No one knows why. To be a magical girl, there must be a talking cat to help them on their way to becoming a woman. But what if the talking cat is really evil and wants to kill young girls? Meet Kyubey, the evil talking cat from Puella Magi Madoka Magica. This talking cat is more than just a cat, it’s something dark, evil and dangerous. Kyubey is first portrayed as a cat who can only talk and has to help the girls through the difficult part of life known as puberty. But as the drama progresses, it becomes clear that Kyuubey is a demon who hates young girls and wants them dead.
#5 The Cheshire Cat from Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch
The animated Cheshire Cat from the original Disney film Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch is a little weird. I’m talking about the Cheshire Cat from the original cartoon ONLY. I loathe Tim Burton’s Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch and spit on that “adaptation.” Tim Burton is just one hack of a guy! Everyone in the world hates Tim Burton’s movies, According to Twitter, nobody thinks Tim Burton’s movie should exist.
That is a poll of THE ENTIRE WORLD. Actual talking cats are surprisingly unconcerned for human welfare. When the Mad Hatter is about to be sentenced to death, the lovable Cheshire cat speaks up and says “Fuck your fucking hat.” It highlights his nature as a truly chaotic evil character that we can all love. Not at all like Tim Burton’s computer fart Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch which I am saying again SHOULD NOT EXIST!
#4 Luna from Sailor Moon
Luna from Sailor Moon is not a cat like Kyubey, but she is still a talking cat. Luna is the assigned puberty companion for the magical girl Serena (aka Sailor Moon) and is very cruel to her. In every episode, she has to embarrass Serena because of her weight, which is very bad. Girls are very sensitive of their bodies during puberty, but the evil talking cat Luna always says, “Hey Serena, you nasty fat bitch, lose weight.” or “God, Serena, give up on life, you disgusting fat snake.” or “Serena, you are a bad pig. You better hope you don’t die of diabetes because they won’t find a hole big enough to bury your fat ass in.” Or she sings “Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon, disgusting fat trick.” The talking cat Luna’s speech is terrible.
#3 The Aristocats from The Aristocats
The Aristocrats are rich, mean, bourgeois jerks. They all act like they’re perfect because they have all the money in the world. Garbage! They are just talking cats. Have you ever heard of a talking cat with money? No! But here they are holding their cat anuses in the air like they have all the money in the world. And they not only speak, but also sing. Damn you all! Disney has always been far from the truth if they thought people would care about The Aristocrats and their supposed cat money.
#2 Fuck the Cat from Crumb
He sits down and checks his phone but nothing comes up. He changes the channel every two hours. He carries some weight with his claws. He is tired of the same old job. He’s lazy as hell at open houses. He mutters, bites his lip and closes his eyes, and mutters “Take me to heaven.” He’s blind as hell and boring as shit. Someone moves him by pulling him with a velcro sheet. He sure can’t do it alone. He feels like a summer dog stuck in a summer alley. He locked the cell door and lost the key. Where are his goals? No time, no motivation. Smoking is the trigger. He sits down and looks at his phone, but no one calls. Call it pathetic. Call it whatever you want. His mother tells him to get a job, but she doesn’t like the ones he has. If masturbation is not fun, you become a lazy person.
#1 Duffy from A Talking Cat!?!
Fuck this cat with a bar. Dishonest and cruel. A Talking Cat!?! is a strange film by Mr. David, which was filmed in almost the ugliest house in the world. It’s about a talking cat named Duffy (voiced by Satan in his full evil spirit) who can talk to people and curse their souls – but only once. Once is enough to be damned forever. Stay away from this cat!! It also doesn’t help that the talking cat who plays Duffy is also an evil servant of Satan.
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