Over the years, I have been fortunate enough to import some truly incredible women into this country through a pay-for-marriage scheme. Each of them brought something unique and beautiful into my life beyond just sex and companionship. Though our marriages ultimately ended when they obtained their green card, I have nothing but gratitude for the time we spent together. Here is my list of the ten most remarkable ex-wives I have had the pleasure of knowing.
#10 – Kateryna
Kateryna was a woman who cooked a wonderful borscht. A gifted linguist, she spoke five languages fluently and could translate poetry with a sensitivity that left me breathless. Our evenings were filled with me eating all the borscht she had cooked while she sat on the floor begging for food. She would say that she hadn’t eaten in days, but I knew she was lying because she was living.
Unfortunately, our ambitions took us in different directions. I wanted to have children, but Kateryna was 60 and had already gone through something called “menopause.” No matter how many times I tried, my seed would never take root in the arid desert of her shrivled uterus. So once she got her green card, I told her to kick rocks.
#9 – Oksana
Oksana had an adventurous spirit that was impossible to resist. She was a skilled mountaineer, and our weekends often consisted of hiking treacherous trails or scaling icy peaks. She was always trying to push me off cliffs while screaming “Die!” When we weren’t hiking, she would frequently be asking me about life insurance. She had a lot of optimism.
However, the same need for adventure that brought us together also drove us apart. Oksana longed to chase the next big thrill. She set off for a six-month expedition to Antarctica; at least that’s what I told everyone she did.
#8 – Yulia
Yulia came with a chicken and she would absolutely refuse to part with it. She had named her chicken “курица” which I’m sure is a great and meaningful name with a great history. Whenever we made love, курица would watch and cluck. I believe that курица enjoyed it more than Yulia.
Sadly, our marriage couldn’t withstand the practicalities of daily life. Yulia was devoted to her precious курица. One day, I was hungry, and I ate курица, and her weak heart could not bear the sight. She die— I mean she joined Oksana on that Antarctic expedition.
#7 – Anastasiia
Anastasiia was the kindest person I have ever met. But she smelled something terrible. No matter how often she showered or how frequently she smothered her body with perfumes, there was always a scent about her. She despised that I called her “Stinky” all the time. I thought it was a fine nickname and accurate. The men in our neighborhood always called her “Roast Beef Lips” which made no sense because she had normal human lips on her mouth.
I eventually shipped her back to where she came from. I told her “I can no longer tolerate. You smell like face.” She cried and moaned and talked about refugee this and refugee that, but I wasn’t listening because of that smell.
#6 – Viktoriya
Viktoriya arrived dead and had apparently been that way for some time. It was something I misunderstood when looking at the “dating” site to order brides. You see, I had thought that 36 22 36 were her measurements. It was actually her age. Viktoriya was 362,236 years old.
Living with the ghost of a long-dead Neanderthal woman whose remains were discovered in the Ural mountains was not easy. Almost every night the transluscent spirit of this Neanderthal woman would appear in my bed, screaming. Eventually, I had to get a local exorcist to escort her remains to Antaractica.
#5 – Daryna
Daryna had an incredible addiction to gaming. She had barely used a computer before I imported him. But mere moments after our nuptials she discovered “Five Nights at Freddys” and was hooked. Night after night she sat at that laptop, clicking on cameras, then cursing whenever a cartoon animatronic would jump onto the screen.
But over time, I realized that FNAF was all she did. Hour after hour, day after day, just FNAF. Sometimes she would play Fortnite, but would use a FNAF skin. She didn’t eat, didn’t drink, pooped in a sock. One morning, I discovered her just wasted away into nothing, the smiling face of Foxy on the screen, taunting her beyond death. I certainly hope she survived her Five Nights in the Afterlife.
#4 – Mariya
Mariya was a deeply spiritual person, finding meaning in the universe and sharing her wisdom with me. But she followed The Dark Lord – Satan himself, and dedicated her life to his worship. She summoned a demon one day even.
It was not the demon that ended Mariya’s life. No, the demon was pretty cool. His name is Dave, and he still sleeps on my couch; spends most of the day playing Call of Duty when he should be looking for a job and maybe getting an apartment of his own. It was ovarian cancer that took Mariya.
#3 Olena
Olena was a hopeless romantic, and with her, life felt like a fairytale. She believed in grand gestures and love letters, in candlelit dinners and spontaneous weekend getaways. Her passion for love was intoxicating, and for a while, I was swept away in it.
However, that love was not exclusive to me. She loved every man she ever encountered this way. The handyman at our apartment, the neighbor, the pastor at a local church, strangers on the street. Although I paid with providing a green card, all others paid cash. We are still wed though, she is not an ex (yet). We have two children together.
#2 – Nami
Nami was a wonderful person. She was smart, strong, and fiercely independent. She was a talented thief, cartographer, and navigator. She was simply perfect in every way. My dream girl. Unfortunately, “dream girl” was all she was. She never existed in reality. Turns out she was a character in an anime I was watching that I just hallucinated as a real woman I was married to.
We “divorced”, I guess you could say, when I started taking my meds again and I stopped seeing her after that.
#1 – Sofiya
Sofiya was just a nightmare from day one. This woman, if we can indeed refer to this hell-demon from beyond as a woman, was frightening, intimidating, and demanding. I felt that the mail-order-bride site had mislead me. I did not know that “extra features” meant that dozens of tentacles would burst forth from her body at any time. I did not know that “unique diet” meant that she needed to consume human flesh. A couple times a day, she would shriek in some ancient tongue and these tentacles would come out, grab some innocent person, and she would just absorb them into her body. The truth is, Sofiya was not my #1 ex-wife, but she would murder and eat me if I didn’t say she was #1. I am still fucking terrified of her.
My escape from this nightmare is a tale I will take to my grave. Unspeakable acts that still chill me to the very bone.
While these marriages didn’t last, they each left me with invaluable lessons and cherished memories. I count myself lucky to have loved and been loved by such extraordinary women.
These Are Media Things 