Is it too late to say what I want to do in 2022? It’s not Halloween yet. But I don’t think anything else will happen. The pace of life is fast. My friend Ferris once said that. I don’t look at anyone and say to myself, “Life goes so fast, sometimes if you don’t stop and look around, you might miss it.” He’s crazy.
Anyway, here are some of my favorite things to happen in 2022.
#10 Killing Jeff
Killing Jeff was the first thing I did this year and boy was it a crazy choice. My girlfriend was dancing in a strip club when I did this. I almost never leave her alone in case she starts breastfeeding. Everyone thought I was weird because no one could see or hear Jeff. They said, “Kontributor! Nobody’s there! Jeff isn’t a real name!” That’s when I started panicking.
I quickly picked up the knife and started stabbing Jeff several times. People said, “Kontributor! Don’t pierce the air!” Three angry dogs came in and pulled me away. Nobody did anything to Jeff’s body, it was still there. After I killed Jeff, I went home, turned on the kid’s TV, and sucked my girlfriend’s left nipple for about an hour. I have to forget about Jeff. Because the more you think about it, the more it annoys you.
#9 Drowning Ben 10
My copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance was a cartridge that turned out to be The Avatar of the Void. It’s my favorite game, but it laughed and watched me cry. My copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance made my girlfriend jealous. I was terrified that I would cease to exist. I felt lonely, hopeless, and stuck.
So I took my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance to the shores of Lake Superior. This is where my laughing mermaid mom went back to the sea. Drowning my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance belongs on this list because that’s what I had to do. I missed my copy of “Ben 10” for the Gameboy Advance, but my apartment is fine now. As I screamed goodbye to my copy of “Ben 10” for the Gameboy Advance, my girlfriend grabbed my hand and threw me into the water. She is proud of me.
#8 I Met the Slender Man
After giving up my copy of Ben 10 for my Game Boy Advance, I came across a skinny guy in the woods near Bridgeport, Michigan. He was tall and thin, with tentacles as long as his arms. He looked at me with big sexy eyes and said something about vomiting. Then he took my little boy and said “turn around”. The skinny guy turned to show me his perfectly sculpted bubble butt. He just stood there. Then he took his leg and said, “Come on, big boy. I know you want it.” I screamed and my girlfriend and I ran 3 miles back to the car. We spent the rest of the week in the basement of a secret military base. I had to look out the window to make sure the skinny guy wasn’t following us.
My girlfriend loves the Slender Man! He kept looking at her when she slept in my bed. I think I’ve seen him too! He made a scar on her hand. He probably thought I was dead. Haha! He believes he is great! But The Slender Man doesn’t rely on pretty faces. He has none! The pictures I took of him felt real to me (don’t worry, I didn’t do anything), and the fact that he was based on an old myth intrigued me. This is nothing.
#7 The Russian Bed I Slept In
This was the first bed I slept in after killing Jeff and hiding in Russia for a week. After lying in this bed, I was traumatized and terrified. It was a whole new level of horror for me and a horrible experience. I’ve had goosebumps since sleeping in this bed. The psychological horror and disgusting twist almost broke my stomach. The creepy Russian bed pushed me to the brink of survival.
This is the worst bed in Russia and the world. It must be eliminated. Then the bed plunged me into a deafening silence. This creepy Russian bed is the pure definition of studs and horror. For those who want to sleep in this absolutely disgusting Russian bed, I have only one piece of advice…don’t sleep. You must stay awake.
#6 Squidward’s Suicide by Cop
This event is at its best, it’s almost unreal. Everyone at my girlfriend’s strip club said they saw it. If you don’t know the details, let my girlfriend tell the story herself.
“The night started normally. A man dressed as Squidward stroked himself while I was dancing for him. After we started the next song and performance I was on the stage making out with a girl dressed as SpongeBob and everyone was yelling. The guy dressed as Squidward was looking at us with very real eyes. The girl recognized the customer in the Squidwaqrd costume and told me it wasn’t like him. The guy dressed as Squidward started getting scary. Then he ran towards us screaming with a knife. The police had arrived and shot him before he got on stage. These things happened very fast.”
The Girlfriend of Kontributor
I was there too. All the blood, the dead Squidward, the gunshots, the screams, I’m really confused. Has Squidward never dealt with tits before, or is he sick of being kind? Maybe it was cold and now she was afraid of the dark.
#5 Jack Gave Me His Eyes
Where to start…
Jack was the afternoon bartender at my girlfriend’s strip club and he was forced to crap himself. He doesn’t like working in bars on weekday afternoons. He didn’t make any money. Honestly, I felt so sorry for him and cried a few times with him. His mentality suits me best. He’s become a creature he doesn’t want to be, so he just feels what he’s doing and all I can say is I can sympathize with him.
Jack looked at me for no reason and handed me his eyes. He took the eyeballs from his face and gave them to me. He should be on this list because he freaks me out by doing such a weird thing. The only thing I really don’t know is why he put them in his mouth for so long before giving them to me? Why does Jack do this? Why me? Then he left without saying a word. He still works there, but his eyes are gone. Everyone calls him Eyeless Jack, or E.J. for short.
#4 Raking the Yard
Je me lance vers la gloire, okay.
I went to rake my girlfriend’s parents’ yard last month. They live in upstate New York. She and her parents were drinking warm coffee in the house. They paid me $5 to rake the yard and put all the leaves in a trash bag. This is the hardest thing I have had to do all year.
If you need to rake your or someone else’s yard, here’s what you need to do to prepare:
1: Lock the door and keep children away from the yard as much as possible.
2: Don’t let the rake see how messy your yard is. The rake is really acceptable to go elsewhere without falling leaves.
3: The rake is actually very weak and can miss a lot of leaves, so it’s better to have a longer weapon, preferably a little faster.
4. Make a fuss. Like I said, the rake is shy, so you have to let him know he’s not alone.
5: If it refuses to accept a leaf, yell and threaten the rake with a long weapon. If that doesn’t work, hit the rake and keep screaming.
6: If all else fails, scream and use whatever crap you can to pick up the leaves.
7: Failing that, use the deadliest weapon in your girlfriend’s parents’ house. Then aim for the eye of the rake. If you’re lucky, you can temporarily blind him. You can use that distraction to group some leaves together. Of course, rakes can ruin your car. Of course, you shouldn’t wait until late September to start raking your yard.
#3 I Watched a Mouse Die
It was the weirdest thing I’ve seen all year, as I honestly started thinking about what would happen if Mickey Mouse contemplated suicide. That’s nothing new! When Walt Disney was still designing comics, he had one artist draw sad and terrifying cartoons of Mickey losing Minnie and trying to kill him three times. It failed comically. This comic certainly crushed the will to live in many mice around the world and made them realize their own death!
But the mouse I saw die was really terrifying. It was really dark and scary. What’s creepy is that at first, he was walking around listening to classical music on his Air Pods, which were very small and mouse-sized. This lasted for 6 minutes and the mouse kept walking. Then he let out a small squeak that grew louder and louder. Then his eyes turned white, his teeth turned blood red, then he looked like a monster, and… he died. I think he drugged himself with a syringe of a dangerous drug that could kill you while walking…maybe it was fentanyl. He repeated this over and over until his death.
#2 My Pen Pal Stopped Talking to Me
This was the only time I cried in a year. His last letter actually gave me nightmares for a long time. I’m not talking about days or weeks, but months. I still can’t sleep when I think about how angry he was with me. Why am I so scared?
First, he called me rude and immature. He said it was unlikely he was a ghost because there was no solid evidence of supernatural beings like Ghost Rakes or Slendermen. He said he was disappointed too because I never really liked Iron Man 3 as much as him. He has been my pen pal since the age of 10. Then we stopped communicating like ghosts. He says he’s a real person with real life problems, and it’s an illusion to think he’s just a talking piece of paper.
Second: He tapped into my darkest fear: the unknown. You never know what’s staring at you from your bedroom window. What is watching you in the bushes nearby? There is no greater fear than not knowing what is going on. I realized that the power of love was always inside me. But it was too late. He lied to my friends, my family, and my pets. Where are you going? All you have to do is turn around and learn that the power of love is inside all of us. But how do you know? Until the day you exhale, you can take care of your life without knowing what danger you’re exposing yourself to.
#1 I Lost my copy of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters for the NES
Godzilla: Monster of Monsters was the third video game I played in my life, and I have to say it’s the best. Much better than Ben 10 on the Game Boy Advance. It’s hard to believe it’s really gone and will never come back. From when I was 5 until Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on the NES decided to run away from me in May, there were a lot of pictures of me playing Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on the NES. I think you can even find game music on the internet. The music isn’t great, but the gameplay is great. I don’t understand why the NES version of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters decided to leave me alone. Where is Godzilla on the NES? are you happy
Godzilla: Monster of Monsters for the NES is a better game than the movie it’s based on. The game tells the story of a boy who is in direct conflict with demons and his dead girlfriend. Godzilla: Monster of Monsters from NES is the best! For several years I was playing it almost every day. The graphics are well done and believable, Godzilla is a great, pathetic protagonist and a great role model (not to mention sexy). The story is beautifully crafted! Big thanks to Toho for creating a masterpiece of Nintendo games.
Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES I miss you. I hope you can find the happiness you want.
These Are Media Things 