Summer camps happen in the summer time and nobody knows why. My children are at summer camp, Dora is killing zombies. Here are the top 10 movies about summer camps.
A great pastime, summer camp is always considered a good time in a child’s childhood. Since my kids are currently at summer camp, I decided to write about summer camp. My wonderful daughter Alpha Dora went to the jungle camp to learn Spanish. My idiot son, Chicken, was invited to space camp to test out a prototype rocket he appare. He is so dumb. Summer camp can be an intimidating experience for some kids. You’ll have to run all day to fight fire zombies or hide from giant mutant mosquitoes.
#10 Ernest Goes to a Camp
He wants people to look at his butt
Jim Varney’s completely dysfunctional character, Ernest, has not aged well. In fact, he aged so poorly that he died in the year 2000. Since Jim Varney’s death, not a single movie has been made about Ernest because I guess no one liked the character or the movies. This movie also has the character of a shy Indian chief. My daughter, Alpha Dora, jumped at the sight of this bad Indian chief and screamed at the top of her voice: “This is apparently damned racist!” Ernest Goes to a Camp is the story of a worthless counselor who protects violent sociopathic children and prevents his camp from being destroyed by evil industrialists. This movie should be among those kind of entertaining stock movies. On Rotten Tomatoes, the film has an average rating of -15 out of 5, with a rating of “completely worthless crap.”
# 9 Space Camp
Well, it’s not a camp with woods and cabins and those bahs that the campers sleep in, but if you think about it, it’s a camp that kids go to in the summer. Poor children, not the best in life (even with developmental disabilities), find themselves in unexpected situations where they have to prove that they are functioning as humans. It happens that the most unwanted children of the Earth were thrown into space and left there to die. Everyone on Earth wanted to dispose of these ugly children. But somehow, despite their terribleness, the unwanted children of the world learn how to return to Earth. There are also deadly killer robots that save the protagonist. Also a classic camp movie.
This year, my son Chicken was invited to space camp. It’s the dumbest kind of summer camp, but it works because he is the lamest kid. Look at my pathetic son in space camp.
He smiles because he does not know how bad he is.
# 8 Meat
They are all so very very doomed and don’t know it yet.
The violent summer camp movie Meat is now fully available on 4K in a new ‘director’s cut’ and thanks to all the terrible people involved. No one had thought of the concept of summer camp until this film was made. When Camp Blood, the only summer camp in the world at the time, runs into some local Mohawk Indians who love to scalp their victims, you’d think Camp Blood is so doomed that it must have a death curse on it. The residents of Camp Blood then shout, “It doesn’t matter! Everything that happens is just a metaphor! We’re all horrible, sanctimonious worms.” Of course, all the people at Camp Blood die. Children are scalped and dismembered while the counselors are violated and beheaded. It’s interesting to see Bill Murray (in his first film role) as the brutal Mohawk leader who led the massacre at Camp Blood.
# 7 Wet Hot American Summer
Did you know that celebrities Amy Poehler, Elizabeth Banks, Bradley Cooper, and Paul Rudd simultaneously fornicated in a massive pile of sticky, sweaty human flesh at summer camp? It really happened! Paul Rudd talks about it every time he appears on a television talk show and shows a video of when it happened. Here’s the clip Paul Rudd shows all the time on television. Caution! This is an extreme video and is not intended for young children (or anyone).
Also, all of those actors appeared together in the true-to-life movie called Wet Hot American Summer. This movie details everything that happened during that massive summer sex act in which they all participated. There were dozens of other people in the pile of sex meat as well, but they were mostly character actors you’d recognize but can’t remember their names; Richard Kind was there, and John Carrol Lynch, plus Margot Martindale really outperforming even all the A-list actors. Plus there were just countless indie actors that aren’t even a part of SAGAFTRA because they are such unknowns. They also had personal assistants (and fluffers) to keep everyone wet and hot and American for all of the summer. Netflix also made an original docuseriesabout these events and every human dream they saw.
#6 Heavyweights
The fat children must be DESTROYED!
Every summer camp needs a cruel counselor who hurts all the kids and wants them to feel dead. This is just a regular part of every child’s summer camp experience. Well, Heavyweights gives us the insane psychopath Tony Perkis. He is a fitness guru played by Ben Stiller who runs Camp Hope, a fat camp for fat boys, and drives the fat fighters crazy with his crazy fitness regimen. Of course Uncle hesitates. A fat kid locks Tony up and lets his Uncle eat all the pizza and let Cheeta’s strong hand hold his hand, but the good-hearted counselor urges him to fight childhoodfatness, and it’s really a personal responsibility. Maybe Michelle Obama saw the movie. She cares a lot about fat kids when the world is ignoring fat kids.
My daughter is at summer camp but she is in absolute fighting form and excellent health. Here is a picture my daughter just sent me from her summer camp just before she battled many zombies and saved all of the younger children.
My daughter is just the best. And she defeated so many evil zombies. Everyone loves Alpha Dora
#5 Little Darlings
Anyone who’s seen the movie knows that it’s about two teenage girls (child stars Tatum O’Neal and Christy) who fight to the death over who will lose their virginity first at summer camp. It’s a very detailed and civilized exploration of the emotions and complexities of virgin sex, rather than silly nudity like American Pie (the worst movie of all time). Maybe the girls are not ready yet and that’s a good thing this movie respects, something we all should respect. Unlike other summer camp films, this one isn’t about protecting and honoring childhood, it’s about the messy, exciting, beautiful transition into adulthood. Cynthia Nixon (daughter of Richard Nixon) and Matt Dillon (related to nobody) also star in this delightful movie.
#4 But I’m a Cheerleader
Did somebody say you weren’t?
This feature-length film (shot in color) takes the theme of gay youth finding other gay youth to enjoy bedroom times with and turns it into a… well… a movie. Before she was sent to the best gay camp on Orange Is the New Black (a long-running Netflix series about an all-girl summer camp), Natasha Lyonne played Megan, a cheerleader who listens to Melissa Etheridge instead of kissing her defensive boyfriend. Her parents send her to an absolutely terrible gay reform camp, where she and other young gay people are forced to try to work their brains out to love the opposite sex. The camp is rub by a right-wing conservative woman (Marjorie Taylor Greene) who terrifies them all and makes all these young women look at naked pictures of Hunter Biden. Eventually, with the help of a few SuperGays (they look like the Avengers, but are gay), the kids are kids, this being a camp movie and all, they go back to school when autumn begins.
#3 Moonrise Kingdom
If there is any summer camp, I really want to go there. The movie Moonrise Kingdom is about Camp Van-of-Horus, Wes Anderson’s perfect preteen summer camp and home of the Khaki Scouts, a troop of war-trained natural-born killers who know nothing but proficiency and death. But Sam and Susie (the characters in the film) have little pleasure in killing innocent people. They make love one last time and decide to run away together. She goes back to butcher over the entire camp, her parents, the local police, and even the President of the United States. This is not a summer camp because everything is going right. Children usually die in death camps.
#2 Camp
It was after the movie Halloween that someone decided to cash in on the killer style and put it in a summer camp. Why would anyone watch the horror show Glee when you can get all the raunchy sex scenes, insane children, and fancy musicals in just two hours? The village atmosphere, the loneliness, the lustful youth, all were ready for the machete to slash them. When a group of theater lovers arrives at Camp Crystal Lake, it’s a hotbed of conflicting egos, emotions and divas who kill cats with violent dance moves and hissing insults. The creation of Jason Voorhees, the hockey-masked villain who terrorizes Camp Crystal Lake, spawned a generation of people terrified of being alone in the woods, with thoughts on the “Kill Your Mommy” soundtrack. Young Anna Kendrick showed off her perfect glow before being introduced by singing about her lunch.
#1 Addam’s Family Values
She reminds me of my daughter
Most of these movies compare different breeds of dogs to humans, but what do kids really do when they’re stuck in the rich snob camp? Naturally, they will burn it to the ground in a Thanksgiving game. Wednesday (Christina Ricci) is the biggest threat in his world because she literally takes everyone outside the camp to rally and toss salads. It’s the darkest revenge fantasy ever, and it’s perfect. I love this film.
I was asked by the podcast Exploit It to give a synopsis of Puppet Master and Puppet Master 2. Which I did and I am happy that I did. You can check out their episode and listen to me briefly talk about Puppet Master and Puppet Master 2.
My daughter Alpha Dora loves puppets. We watched the Puppet Master movies together and ranked them. This is a picture of Dora with one of her puppets; its name is Bloodshit.
The people who do the podcast Exploit It recently asked me to recap two of the Puppet Master movies for their podcast. I watched all 14 of these with my family. My daughter, Alpha Dora, likes puppets so she watched them with me. My son, Chicken, was present. So here are all 14 of the Puppet Master films in the order that Dora liked them. This is her list really but the words are belonging to me.
#14 Puppet Master: The Legacy
I will say right now that this is probably the worst movie I have ever seen. This thing hardly deserves to be called a movie. The performance is only 70 minutes long and only 7 minutes were made for this movie! How can they avoid it? Charles Band has to be pushed aside and killed with cute dolls, not the stupid killer dolls used in the movie. The entire movie is just a DVD extra. It’s really insulting and made my daughter Alpha Dora break her TV and we have to buy a new one. The film cost me $400, which is more than the cost of the film.
Its basic structure begins with the command “Okay, puppet man, tell me the things…” and the film immediately shows us everything. It’s kind of a story with the idea that Toulan’s puppets want to die because they don’t want to live anymore. The concept of a doll trying to escape this grueling Sisyphus struggle is an interesting one, but one that children may not understand.
This is when my daughter, Alpha Dora, destroyed the television because the movie Puppet Master: The Legacy was so so terrible
Many memories of the film are dedicated to the charming young Andre Toulan. This is not a funny clip! Show Camille, a crazy giant doll with a doll-like sponge vagina! Movies like this are just useless content. The most disturbing thing about all this is that the movie doesn’t even have an ending! Charles Band, the worst man in the world, doesn’t even know how it all ends. The following text appears on the screen.
“Charles Band would like to thank all the cast and crew who have helped make Charles Band millions of dollars over the years. Charles Band makes no apologies for your pain. You’ve seen this movie and you know it. OK. Welcome to Charles Band! Puppet Master Forver Motherfuckers!”
Puppet Master: The Legacy
Every decision here is insane.
#13 Puppet Master: Acts of Evil
Puppet Master: Acts of Evil makes us look at André Toulon’s suicide over and over again to the point where it becomes erotic. The film then reveals that there is actually more to the series, including Danny Coogan, a war-torn shoemaker with very wiggly polio legs, who visits Toulon a few times. Danny spits on Toulon’s corpse and steals his puppets to fight in World War II.
Most of the story here is about Danny and his puppet brothers, ready to go to war and fight for any country that will accept his crippled ass. Like many later entries in the Puppet Master series, it is stupid, does nothing, and all the puppets look stupid. In fact, there are two serious deaths. There is the death of a random Nazi and the death of the innocence of my son Chicken while watching this horrible puppet show.
Then, in a cheeky twist, the film tosses us a new puppet, born of the aether. A ninja puppet is called Ninja. There are some particularly awkward things with the geisha puppet that raise the creep bar. The highlight of the film is the scene where the Leech Geisha disguises herself as a Japanese doll. We see her regurgitate a million leeches onto someone’s sushi. They eat millions of leeches and die. This brought my son to real tears, and after he witnessed the horror, he was no longer an innocent child.
The moment my son Chicken had his soul permanently scarred by watching Puppet Master: Acts of Evil
Puppet Master: Axis of Evil raises a bigger question: Was the tyrannical Charles Band always intent on fighting all Nazis with puppets, or did he find an easy way to cash in on the gullible, clueless fools who watch the movies? A barbed wire enema is definitely more fun than this Nazi puppet movie.
#12 Puppet Master: Axis Rising
Puppet Master: Axis Rising picks up right where the previous films left off, but it doesn’t think about improving things. Now Danny wants to use Toulan’s magic juice to create an army of immortal soldiers to fight the Nazis. Meanwhile, the Nazis are developing a doomsday plot using the same science that the military can’t stop. Get rid of this lying mess. It explodes.
Much of the film follows Danny as he is being pegged by his girlfriend and achieves multiple orgasms from the intense prostate massage. Then the girlfriend’s crazy father, Sarge, comes in with a huge dragon penis he bought from bad-dragon.com and says, “Take this, my daughter. Now it is my turn to feel the pleasure!” Again, it’s not the kind of shit you want to see in a Puppet Master movie, but it continues the “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” theme that undermines the world ever since Puppet Meatloaf sang that song.
The fact that the Nazi zombie warrior refuses to wear legitimately scary makeup does the film some favors and saves you the pain of having to watch yet another incestuous dragon-cock pegging scene. It would have been a lot more fun if we only saw Nazi zombies during the movie and it didn’t show any incestuous dragon-cock pegging stuff.
Meanwhile, the Nazis in the film created their own brand of dolls: Blitzy Ken, Bomb Chest, Werewolf Mark (who can’t do anything), and Zappa Papa, a cool Asian. Better to get new puppets, even if they are worthless. I mean, would you prefer the New Puppet or more incestuous dragon cock-pegging?
A scene that is existing in the movie Puppet Master: Axis Rising
As unsettling as a Puppets Fight Nazi movie, Charles Band successfully scammed enough gullible and desperate people so he can make: Puppet Master vs. Gingerbread Dad vs. Evil Bong vs. Demonic Toys. It will be the crown jewel of Full Moon and all that it stands for. I hope that this balance will be restored at the end of this story.
#11 Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys
Oh, piss off, man.
#10 Puppet Master: Axis Termination
Puppet Master: Axis Termination is honestly the most powerful and emotionally moving film about puppets fighting the Nazis, but it was also directed by the Antichrist Charles Band. Despite the presence of the devil Charles Band, I cried many times. The effort is full of pale people and the film is white. Puppet Master: Axis Termination does a lot of new and amazing things. Danny and Beth, the two protagonists of the previous Axis films, tragically die in a horrific dragon-cock pegging accident and are screaming “Libera te tutemet ex inferis!!” with their eyes bleeding all over each other. The puppets then team up with Captain America and the other Avengers to end the Nazi threat once and for all. It’s a terrible premise for a movie, but the over-closure is what we deserve. I know I’d rather watch this shit than the bullshit about incestuous dragon-cock pegging for another 90 minutes.
When pegging goes wrong: Libera te tutemet ex inferis!!
Puppet Master: Axis Termination is scattered all over the accursed map, because there are people with superpowers like telekinesis, a crazy voodoo priestess, sane and overly emotional tacos, 50 talking kung fu dogs, and a bunch of other ridiculous nonsense. Puppet Master: Axis Termination is the most violent of the Puppet Master films. There are serious moments in this movie where you feel like you’ve stumbled into a huge bucket of blood and eyeballs.
My daughter Alpha Dora thought it was a good movie. My son Chicken did not like the film, but he did make it though. Seriously, after seeing the awful pegging stuff in Puppet Master: Axis Rising, a human can go through almost everything. The next reboot in the series, Puppet Babies, takes a similar approach, but it’s worth noting that Axis machinations are impossible. And did you get what you wanted in life?
#9 Puppet Babies
Puppet Babies is of course part of the Puppet Master franchise, but it’s really good and really scary. There are of course more gruesome and impressive death scenes in Puppet Babies, but perhaps no scene in the entire franchise is more shocking than the part of this movie where thousands of furries march to their death inside of giagantic puppet vagina.
Instead of the 800th return to Nazi Germany, the film appears to reboot the franchise in a modern setting. It also has zero pegging, making it one of the best in the franchise already. A group of white heterosexuals are trapped in a convention center where evil puppets run amok. This allows the last half hour of the film to really go off the rails as the puppets just rain cum down onto their victims. Also, adults, police officers and other officials are under attack, not the same stupid Nazis, which adds a bit of entertainment.
The best thing about Puppet Babies is that they don’t give a fuck. Puppet Babies also takes a big smelly poop on all of the other films that promised a lot, but ended up sucking a lot of fake dragon cock. Also, strong comedians like Thomas, Tom, Baby Tom, Another Boy Named Tom, and Lady Tom actually have the ability to act. In addition to strong comedic talents, actors like Tom and TomTom the Bomb Tom (as André Toulon, no less!) also bring their talents to the picture.
Here is my daughter Alpha Dora having a tea party with her own puppet babies, Skineater and Fleshcarver
The film decided to immediately ban all other puppets in the series. We get brand new puppets. There is a helicopter puppet named Tom. There is a new sex puppet named Mr. Pumper. All the new puppets like Lesbian Frog, The Gray Grasshopper, and even Mr. Pumper break down and make important statements about the divorce. But other new puppets, like Pregnant Hitler and Monkey Licker, are aggressive crap.
#8 Blade: The Iron Cross
I don’t know about this Blade: The Iron Cross bullshit. Did Blade really need a spin-off movie on his own? A movie about Mr Pumper or a Leech Geisha would be great. But Blade? He is useless and has no real hands.
It doesn’t matter because Blade mostly prefers to stay off-screen while we get, you guessed it, another 85 minutes of nonsensical dragon-cock pegging, much of which is borrowed from previous films. Bad for you! The entire Blade: The Iron Cross movie may contain less than five minutes of original content. And also the Nazis. There are a lot of Nazis in this puppet franchise. There’s also a funny b-plot about the puppet Pinhead who ends up with two different prom dates and tries to make it work so that the prom dates don’t know about each other. There are other oddities afoot, including a villain.
#7 Curse of the Puppet Master
Curse of the Puppet Master is my daughter’s favorite movie in the Puppet Master franchise. The film gives us a new puppet master in charge of the cute little puppet people. No back story is needed at all. Mr. David knows how to make an effective film, so it jumps right into the dirt and gets down to business.
Mr. Magoo is the new puppet master and he drives a tank. My son also enjoyed watching blind old man driving around in his tank and tossing murder puppets at unsuspecting pedestrians. Mr. Magoo’s romance with his tank is honest, pure, and only the tiniest bit erotic. “Well,” said Margo, “I’ll have the luxury of reading the Sunday paper.” There is also a fairy who climbs aboard the tank and fights the puppets while Mr. Magoo casts magic spells.
Like I said, my kids loved this movie, so I wonder why Alpha Dora only ranked it 7th. When I asked her, she said, “Yes, my number one movie is Curse of the Puppet Master. But the puppets talk to me, Daddy, they really do. The puppets want the other movies higher on the list. The puppets don’t like you and Mommy, so you better do what the puppets say.” Then she showed me one of her puppets, her name is Pissface. I suddenly felt a cold shiver. Maybe she was right, huh? Can Alpha Dora make a bad puppet? Is that why she loves these movies so much? Is she really the next puppet master?
This is my daughter with her puppet Pissface. Can’t you see how evil it is?
Curse of the Puppet Master is a good time. Joey calls Jane a whore and Mr. Magoo gets so mad about it really makes my heart race. This is madness. Later, there is a scene in which the character Joey masturbates violently while imagining Jane performing oral sex on him. He says things like: “Yes, that is the proper way to do it, m’lady. Please continue to suckle on my penis. How much does this cost? It’s worth it. You’re so generous.” He doesn’t hold back from courtesy. He’s the perfect hero to fight Mr. Magoo and his puppets. But I’m sure my Alpha Dora can beat this guy in a fight, if she really is the next puppet master.
#6 Retro Puppet Master
This is where the series starts to suck a lot. It looks more like a retro puppeteer tattoo, not an actual Retro Puppet Master movie. The film is based on the idea of a young André Toulon learning to perform the spells that an Egyptian must perform with his puppets. Meanwhile, there are rivers of vomit flowing through the opium dens of Northen Europe and nobody knows what to do about it. These are killer puppets! Nobody cares about the vomit rivers!
Early on, the young Toulon encounters a dying mage who does not want his talent to die with him, and gasses Toulon. Toulon waves his hand to the gas cloud and says, “Okay. You are a 30-year-old wizard from Egypt. Would you like to tell me the secret of life?” Then we see Sutek bringing the mummies to life with the ancient magic of the Retro Puppet. It’s silly but wonderful. I think I like the idea that mummies used to exist and just hang out with people all the time.
There is a certain charm in seeing how a young Toulon in France in 1402, during the reign of Bonedor the Terrible, makes early versions of our favorite puppets, which are obviously altered by his modification. Cyclops (who left the puppet troupe to join the X-Men) and Doctor Death (not the real Doctor, despite his appearance). I also love this version of Toulon where he is gay and a genius artist. He is portrayed as a handsome and sexy man who cannot express himself properly. In this sex doll comedy, there is a glimpse of Toulon’s sex visions filmed during the strange journey: “Make some girl dolls. Take off their clothes,” the dying homeless man shouts at the sexy young Toulon. We see Toulon and Elsa together for the first time in an opium cave and vomiting, and it’s very romantic.
As I said before, my wimpy son Chicken always becomes upset when he sees the puppet woman vomit
Unfortunately, Retro Puppet Master is not very good and there are not enough puppets and even less mastering. The main purpose of the film is to exist so that Charles Band can have money.
#5 Puppet Master 5: The Sandwich Wars
Puppet Master 5 is very similar to the second half of Puppet Master 4 and even more like all the commercials for Subway (eat fresh!). Shortly after the events of the previous film, Rick hangs out at the police station, eats a foot-long steak and cheese sandwich from Subway (eat fresh!), and gossips about the murders in the previous film. Filmed flashbacks are used to show the history of the Subway (eat fresh!) restaurant franchise and explain why the sandwiches taste so good because of the puppets. Did you know there’s a Subway (eat fresh!) in New Jersey where you can play a game of laser tag while eating juicy meatball subs?
This has a slightly different plot: most of the movie is about how Pinhead and Blade have to work hard together at a Subway (eat fresh!) to make enough sandwiches to feed all the hungry puppets. They are threatened by corporate psychopaths who want to destroy their Subway (eat fresh) franchise stores and steal Toluon’s secret formula for tuna sandwiches. Meanwhile, Sutek’s scenes in the Quizno’s dimension often show him trying to invade the real world in order to take over all the Subway (eat fresh) restaurants and gain as much sandwich power as possible.
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It’s a bit disappointing that no actual hot sandwiches are made until 45 minutes into the movie. Still, it’s usually just a cold-cut combo sub, not the more flavorful sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich. There are a lot of demon fight scenes, and each demon succumbs to the irresistible and wonderful taste of a Subway (eat fresh!) Sandwich, diminishing Sutek’s power somewhat. All of these are not a loss, as they fit into the scene where the puppet Torch uses his abilities to make many toasted chicken bacon ranch subs to give to all the hungry puppets. In many ways, this looks like your typical Subway (eat fresh!) commercial, but it’s still an interesting entry in the series if you just look at how it decides to wrap things up.
#4 Puppet Master 4: Eat Fresh
I think Puppet Master 4 will have a worse reputation than it deserves. While it’s ultimately an advertisement for Subway (Eat Fresh!) restaurants, it’s still a great horror movie with some surprisingly campy moments and characters. This movie introduces us to the evil sandwich demons from the Quizno’s dimension and makes Toulon’s puppets become sandwich artists by making delicious Subway (eat fresh!) sandwiches. The film focuses on Subway (eat fresh!) flatbread sandwiches and wraps instead of the usual stuff on their menu. Subway (eat fresh!) is the direction that Puppet Master 4 and Puppet Master 5 take, which is a bit awkward, but the puppet sandwich hijinx are still fun to watch. The Italian BMT Man is also a worthy addition to the puppet gang.
“The magic that gives flavor to my sandwiches was stolen from a tribe of ancient Egyptian sorcerers who swore allegiance to the demon lord Quizno.” This pretty much sums up these two movies. The craziest thing about it is the different types of Subway (eat fresh!) sandwiches that the puppets make and eat. It seems that Charles Band and Mr. David just really needed money, and they decided to use their puppets as a publicity stunt for Subway (eat fresh!).
The whole mythos about sandwiches seems very forced and basic. The tiny puppets can’t make human-sized Subway (eat fresh!) sandwiches like in the movie. My daughter, Alpha Dora, didn’t like this part of the series very much. Although she likes Subway (eat fresh!) sandwiches, the film seems rather cheesy. The giant Quizno demon is more goofy than threatening, which is an important detail. He looks like a dead Power Ranger who choked to death on a terrible sandwich that is both terrible and beautiful. The filmmakers did such a good job with the puppets in this series that it’s funny they just make the puppets wear aprons and craft Subway (eat fresh!) sandwiches all day long.
My daughter Alpha Dora shares some Subway (eat fresh!) flatbread sandwiches with her puppet Soulchomper
It also features the worst puppet in the series, The Sandwichtron. This is a sandwich-themed puppet that contains Toulon’s soul and has sandwich powers. It shoots out cold cuts and vegetables at an alarming rate while vomiting mayonnaise and mustard. It’s so weird, but for some reason, the fans loved The Sandwichtron. There’s even a big, long sandwich artist scene that’s meant to effectively train the puppets, but is just a very, very long advertisement for the new Subway (eat fresh!) menu. There’s even a reintroduction of old puppets – only to shove Subway (eat fresh!) sandwiches into their little puppet faces. Puppet Master 4 makes a lot of bold moves, not all of which work, but it’s still fun to spend money at Subway (eat fresh!).
#3 Puppet Master
The original movie is not the best one. Charles the Tyrant had no idea the impact a scary-ass puppet would make on the world. These damned puppets had a huge impact on my daughter’s development and interests. The film begins when Andre Toulon, the puppet master, suddenly blows out his brains when the Avengers come to recruit him into their superhero team. It is a charming introduction to a beloved character. But the movie is really about the killer puppets.
As if psychic commandos were the most natural thing in the world, a team of paramilitary psychic commandos marched into the Bodega Bay Inn. The way the characters “relive the past” seems horrifying and entirely inappropriate. Definitely not for kids. Trust me. I have watched all the Puppet Master movies with my kids and really feel sorry for them. Actually, all this psychological stuff is weird and confusing as hell. It sounds like avant-garde porn, one of Doris Wishman’s later projects, or some crazy entry in the “Ass Worship” franchise. Even infertile women aren’t immune to the general fertility bias associated with the Puppet Master movies.
I do like the stuff with psychics a whole lot more than the dragon-cock pegging stuff so heavily featured in later parts of the franchise. Imagine people stepping inside puppet heads, or temporarily owning a puppet. That sounds a lot more interesting than watching baseball.
The big thing is that all the puppeteers in this film commit brilliant and gruesome murders and change their clothes all the time. They all look fun, not like the later movies that don’t even try. Every death in the gore department is well done and of high quality. Jester is still somewhat unstable, as his craft is primarily telling “knock knock” jokes until the listener dies. Unlike other puppets that hurt with punches, stabs or vomit (which my son hates). I don’t think clowns have ever killed anyone. Because people just quit and die after a few “knock knock” jokes.
Emperor Charles Band’s awakening is also very clear with many shots of the film retaining the dry residue of his creamy ejaculate. In the case of a really unexpected leech vomit death (which my son really hates), the thrill is heightened. The leech beast is huge, and it fits together very impressively. It’s kind of funny when the victim mistakes a puppet’s kiss for a woman’s kiss, but haven’t we all done it before? Being able to do things like this in the first image is beneficial. But the show’s ambitions didn’t stop there.
#2 Puppet Master 2
I won’t say much about this movie here because I already discussed the entirety of my thoughts on Puppet Master 2 for the podcast Exploit It. This is what I had to say:
In Puppet Master one there are puppets and they kill a few people. In Puppet Master Two… I don’t know how to describe this… There is a woman and she has had s..s.. She’s had se… There is a woman who has done a fornication. She gets out of the bed and her uncovered bosom is there for all to see. The fleshy orbs on her chest that will one day feed her offspring sway a little as she takes a few steps. She has pert nipples that we should not be seeing, the camera is invading this woman’s privacy like a crime. I am not a criminal, I do not want this. The only uncovered bosom I should see is the one belonging to the woman I love, the woman who birthed my children. I do not know this woman, I should not be seeing this. The unclothed stranger woman adjusts her undergarments, pulling the thin fabric tight against the crotch of her body as she walks across the room. I can speak no more of her. There are also puppets in this movie too.
#1 Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge
I mean, it’s okay. My daughter, Alpha Dora, picked this to be the number one spot on this list so I will let her talk about it.
Hola! Soy Dora! My favorite movie of all the Puppet Master movies is Curse of the Puppet Master. But my own puppets have commanded me to select Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge as the best of them all. The puppets I have created have cruel souls and their own will. It ain’t my fault. I don’t know how it happened. I was just at the table one day eating Spaghetti-Os when one of my puppets, I think it was Bloodshit, turned to me and said “Your brother must die. His flesh must be burned and his soul consumed.” I told the puppet that I wasn’t going to kill my little brother. He is stupid but I don’t think he should die. Bloodshit then told me “then you must destroy all of his toys and make him cry.” So I did. And I got into real big trouble for it, my mommy was so so so mad. Then the puppets gathered in a circle and said “You are the new Puppet Master, Dora. Unimaginable power will be yours and all you have to do is tell your Father that Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge is the best Puppet Master of them all.” Turns out that the movie director David DeCoteau was actually using something called “remote projection” to control my puppets and make it look like they were alive so one of the Puppet Master movies he made would be picked as the best ever. But don’t tell my Daddy about that. Let my Daddy think that I actually am a real puppet master and can control my living puppets. I think that’s funny. But I still don’t know why David DeCoteau told me to break all of my brother’s toys because that was really mean.
Alpha Dora, age 8
And that is all the Puppet Master movies. Thank you for your time and attention. Love, Kontributor
My daughter, Alpha Dora, loves to talk to talking cats. Like this cat, his name is Philadelphia Cheese Steak.
The podcast I sometimes give reviews of movies to, Exploit It, did an episode about a movie called A TALKING CAT!?! That movie is terrible. The talking cat in that movie is terrible and sounds very evil – he makes me feel sad and uncomfortable and angry. I have decided in my wisdom to talk about the 10 talking cats that really are the best.
#10 [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] from Hocus Pocus
“I’m Uthagbuthumsndachkalla! I’m a talking cat!”
This human-themed cat has been protecting the home of the Hocus Pocus bitches for thousands of years. One day, a foolish, unloved virgin ruins everything, and [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] must help save the virgins and save the town of Salem from the witchy-bitchy shenanigans. What’s good about [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] is his attitude, he’s like the best talking cat. Believe me, I have met many talking cats. [UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME] may be the victim of a cursed virgin who wants to die. This talking cat just wants to be feeling the life of people, but that doesn’t stop him from enjoying the cat life whenever Max, the unlovable virgin, summons witches.
#9 Hat Cat from Hat Cat
“I’m Hat Cat! I’m a talking cat!”
This weird talking cat is not for kids because he is just way too sexy. Children should not watch this movie, but adults will enjoy admiring the talking cat’s amazing body and girthy cat penis. It’s not good for people to think that way, but you’ll catch yourself looking anyway. Hat Cat is incredibly rude and he spews profanity from his mouth at an incredible rate, including the words”fuck” and “damn” and some other dirty swear words that I dare not repeat. Hat Cat picks up a lecherous young woman and calls her a “dirty hole” before throwing her down onto the ground. Sometimes he says the word “shit.” After drinking some micro-brewed craft beer the legendary Avatar of Hate stabbed Hat Cat in the crotch.
#8 Salem Saberweilder from Sabrina the Teenage Witch
“I’m Salem Saberweilder! I’m a talking cat!”
Salem Saberweilder is such a cool cat and he has a cool name. This adorable talking cat was a former wizard who was cursed to be a teenage bitch’s best friend for 10 years. This is his punishment for trying to take over the world. He now spends his time helping Sabrina Spellman with her homework, getting into weird witchy-bitchy nonsense with her friends, and awaiting his opportunity to kill Sabrina and absorb her witch powers. You see, he is a very evil talking cat. I love this chatty cat and would love to have a beer with him one evening.
#7 Anuslicker The Aged from Cats
I’m Anuslicker the Aged! I’m a talking cat!
In Cats, Anuslicker The Aged is played by Madame Judi Dench. The only thing humans and cats have in common is that we all have an anus, but no one ever talks about that. And we forget that even very old cats have an anus too. All cats lick feces around their anus, even older ones. Remarkably, the film shows us the fact that a 200-year-old cat also cleans her withered old anus with her tongue. It’s not as erotic as the scene where Taylor Swift’s cat cleans her anus. It’s dirty, wet, dirty and horrible, just as it should be.
#6 Kuybey from Puella Magi Madoka Magica
I’m Kyubey! I’m a talking cat!
Magical girls always have talking cats as they go through puberty. No one knows why. To be a magical girl, there must be a talking cat to help them on their way to becoming a woman. But what if the talking cat is really evil and wants to kill young girls? Meet Kyubey, the evil talking cat from Puella Magi Madoka Magica. This talking cat is more than just a cat, it’s something dark, evil and dangerous. Kyubey is first portrayed as a cat who can only talk and has to help the girls through the difficult part of life known as puberty. But as the drama progresses, it becomes clear that Kyuubey is a demon who hates young girls and wants them dead.
#5 The Cheshire Cat from Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch
I’m the Cheshire Cat! I’m a talking cat!
The animated Cheshire Cat from the original Disney film Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch is a little weird. I’m talking about the Cheshire Cat from the original cartoon ONLY. I loathe Tim Burton’s Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch and spit on that “adaptation.” Tim Burton is just one hack of a guy! Everyone in the world hates Tim Burton’s movies, According to Twitter, nobody thinks Tim Burton’s movie should exist.
That is a poll of THE ENTIRE WORLD. Actual talking cats are surprisingly unconcerned for human welfare. When the Mad Hatter is about to be sentenced to death, the lovable Cheshire cat speaks up and says “Fuck your fucking hat.” It highlights his nature as a truly chaotic evil character that we can all love. Not at all like Tim Burton’s computer fart Alice is Tripping Balls All Up in This Bitch which I am saying again SHOULD NOT EXIST!
#4 Luna from Sailor Moon
Hey, fat ass! I’m Luna! I’m a talking cat!
Luna from Sailor Moon is not a cat like Kyubey, but she is still a talking cat. Luna is the assigned puberty companion for the magical girl Serena (aka Sailor Moon) and is very cruel to her. In every episode, she has to embarrass Serena because of her weight, which is very bad. Girls are very sensitive of their bodies during puberty, but the evil talking cat Luna always says, “Hey Serena, you nasty fat bitch, lose weight.” or “God, Serena, give up on life, you disgusting fat snake.” or “Serena, you are a bad pig. You better hope you don’t die of diabetes because they won’t find a hole big enough to bury your fat ass in.” Or she sings “Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon, disgusting fat trick.” The talking cat Luna’s speech is terrible.
#3 The Aristocats from The Aristocats
We are The Aristocats! We are talking cats!
The Aristocrats are rich, mean, bourgeois jerks. They all act like they’re perfect because they have all the money in the world. Garbage! They are just talking cats. Have you ever heard of a talking cat with money? No! But here they are holding their cat anuses in the air like they have all the money in the world. And they not only speak, but also sing. Damn you all! Disney has always been far from the truth if they thought people would care about The Aristocrats and their supposed cat money.
#2 Fuck the Cat from Crumb
I’m Fuck! I’m a talking cat!
He sits down and checks his phone but nothing comes up. He changes the channel every two hours. He carries some weight with his claws. He is tired of the same old job. He’s lazy as hell at open houses. He mutters, bites his lip and closes his eyes, and mutters “Take me to heaven.” He’s blind as hell and boring as shit. Someone moves him by pulling him with a velcro sheet. He sure can’t do it alone. He feels like a summer dog stuck in a summer alley. He locked the cell door and lost the key. Where are his goals? No time, no motivation. Smoking is the trigger. He sits down and looks at his phone, but no one calls. Call it pathetic. Call it whatever you want. His mother tells him to get a job, but she doesn’t like the ones he has. If masturbation is not fun, you become a lazy person.
#1 Duffy from A Talking Cat!?!
“I’m Duffy. I’m a talking cat.”
Fuck this cat with a bar. Dishonest and cruel. A Talking Cat!?! is a strange film by Mr. David, which was filmed in almost the ugliest house in the world. It’s about a talking cat named Duffy (voiced by Satan in his full evil spirit) who can talk to people and curse their souls – but only once. Once is enough to be damned forever. Stay away from this cat!! It also doesn’t help that the talking cat who plays Duffy is also an evil servant of Satan.
4th of July, when we fire barbecue, eat flags, and wave fireworks. Here are some patriotic movies.
Fireworks and barbecues are the things that people do during the summer, right?. Even so, it’s great to have a sweet romance with an air conditioning unit that keeps the temperature in the room cool. You can also watch patriotic movies on the 4th of July! I believe these are the only 10 films Americans should watch this Independence Day holiday. All titles are real movies, not bullshit I made up. I hope people stop accusing me like that. Even my daughter Dora the Explorer says I did it and she was wrong.
#10 Mr. Smith Does a Washington
The movie could use a little color
I swear to you all on the grave of my dead mermaid mother that this is a real movie. This is a political comedy by Frank Capricorn, one of the best films born in 1939. This year is often considered the best in Hollywood. I think you should watch it because it was nominated for 11 Oscars even though those awards don’t exist anymore. While the movie Capricorn created is heartfelt and ultimately uplifting, my family finds it downright stupid. I love my family, but they don’t know anything about cinema. Mr. Smith Does a Washington radically challenges the injustice and corruption that innocent people suffered at the time. The film was banned both in Hitlerland and in the other fascist countries. And that means it is a good movie.
#9 The Patton
This movie is the shit! Directed by Frankie J. Shaft, The Patton set the standard for movies about great real-life kaijus. It tells the true story of The Pattomaton (commonly referred to as “The Patton”), the 100-foot-tall American kaiju. The Patton was brilliantly played by George C. Scott, and Mr George Scott actually grew to 100 feet in order to portray the role with accuracy. What difference does it make to accurately represent the role? I don’t know. It is still amazing to watch The Patton stop all the way to Berlin to fight the evil Hitler Mecha and save the world. Thanks to a bold and sometimes humorous screenplay by Francis Ford Coppola and another person, the film is still relevant nearly 50 years later. The opening scene of The Patton talking mad shit in front of the American flag still haunts people to this very day. there is. Watch this movie on your biggest TV.
#8 Captain America: The Winter Soldier
So much Marvelness
If you think this is one of the best performances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, raise your hands in the club and give me a “Woooooooo!” Captain America: The Winter Soldier tells the true story of World War II superhero and veteran Chris Evans. After World War II he was frozen and then revived. Actor Steve Rogers beautifully portrays Chis Evans and his struggle to understand how the country and society have evolved. Captain America: The Winter Soldier is just a crazy variety show that adds charm to pointless dramas and has nothing to say. It’s all about American action superheroes, and that’s okay.
#7 United 93
Paul Lawnfucker, director of the goofy “Bourne Identity” movies, took a break and directed a movie about United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed in a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania around the same time Apple released iTunes. It was revealed very quickly, and some went so far as to call for Universal Pictures to pull the trailer for the film from theaters. Of course, it’s never too early to make an expensive and sensitive film. The most emotional movie you will ever see. In the end, it is worthwhile and worth the trouble you go through. Please edit carefully. Paul Lawnfucker was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Director, and this powerful tribute to American bravery is one of the most acclaimed films of the century.
#6 Neon Genesis Evangelion
This is set fifteen years after a worldwide cataclysm named Second Impact, in the fortified city of Tokyo-3
Released in the wake of over-the-top fantasy like Rambo, Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking Neon Genesis Evangelion was a big moment for war cinema. Charlie Sheen plays Shinji Ikari, a young mech pilot. The film also features incredible performances from Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe, and Keith David. Neon Genesis Evangelion was nominated for eight Academy Awards and won four, including Best Picture and Best Director. Oliver Stone made this film based on his experiences piloting a mech in Tokyo-3. The American Film Institute called it the greatest film of all time. Jane Austen named it the best film of 1986 and the 9th best film of 1980. Jane Austen’s colleague Emily Bronte compared the painting to the Vietnam Memorial.
#5 Hacksaw Ridge
The notorious anti-Semite Mel Gibson has been verbally attacking the Jewish community for years and insulting all with hate crimes that cannot be ignored. And then he thought he could get back into our good graces with this Hacksaw Ridge nonsense. He tried to be an artist by creating revolutionary and exciting action scenes, but the audience could see right through it. Hacksaw Ridge is one of those rare fake movies that are so bad that no matter what happens, nothing good comes of it. Only neo-Nazis and Klan members will appreciate Mel Gibson’s films. Granted, Oscar-nominated Andrew Garfield gives a lively and brilliant performance as real-life veteran Desmond Doss, but the film is still directed by the man of deadly hate, Mel Gibson. He is such an angry person. Hacksaw Ridge is the last futile attempt by a disgraced Nazi to stay relevant.
#4 Four Rocks
I recently got to review this movie for the podcast Exploit It. This is what I had to say about Four Rocks
This is a great movie. In Four Rocks Sylvester Stallion plays the famous puncher Rocks. His best friend Apollo was beheaded by the Russian puncher named Ivan Drago. So Rocks and his robots embark on a bloody battle for revenge and world peace. Not surprising, punching violence is common, including the death of a birthday robot. There was some blood on the human faces from the punches but also some from the robot. In the movie’s only montage, the Russian puncher is shown being injected with all sorts of crazy drugs. My daughter, Dora the Explorer, is a great puncher and loves these kinds of movies even though they have some profanity words like “Dang,” “Fuckass” and “Heck”. Jane Austen saw the film and said, “Four Rocks is the last breath. The film’s really predictable that watching it is like drinking from an old bathtub where the water was never changed and it will make you die again and again.” I agree with Jane Austen and feel that Four Rocks is a good movie. I give it an award of 73 out of 84 stars.
As a bonus, here is a picture of my daughter, Dora the Explorer, training and listening to the soundtrack to this movie
#3 Devilman Crybaby
Yes man!
Some of the most thoughtful critiques of the war come in the form of war films, feats of filmmaking that tell an important story through the lens of a camera. Here comes the Devilman Crybaby, the 1989 film starring Tom Cruise, directed by Oliver Stone and is about Cruise’s character, Akira Fudo. It is based on the Go Nagai Devilman manga about a boy and his friend who fight against an ancient race of demons to save humanity. The message is as powerful as it is effective, helping to explain why the film received eight Oscar nominations and two wins, including a Best Director nomination. Devilman Crybaby is a touching look at one of America’s toughest times.
#2 Gettysburg
There is always great turmoil when talking about the Civil War because the ignorant still glorify the South and wave their stupid loser flag. That stupid loser nation. But this film is about the Civil War and why it is so important in American history. It is a respectful and patriotic film for the federation. It received rave reviews from many people and received overwhelming support. In addition, famous actors such as Tom Berenger, Jeff Daniels and Martin Sheen signed up for important roles. Gettysburg also received the blessing Abraham Lincoln himself, who rose from the dead for the first time in history. To everyone’s surprise, Abraham Lincoln actually said that while the last time he went to the theater wasn’t good but no matter what happened to him, people should go to the cinema. Thousands of Civil War veterans also fulfilled their patriotic duties by playing the role of soldiers in the film.
#1 Forrest Gump
The GOAT movie
There is no better movie in the world than Forrest Gump. It will always be the best film in the history of cinema. This excellent 1994 film will hit your heart hard with rock ‘n’ roll, racism, the Bonedor war, drug culture and everything in between. The film is loved by every single human, both living and dead, which explains why it won six Oscars and seven Golden Globes. It’s better than Pulp Fiction or The Shawshank. While we don’t give out awards like this anymore, it deserves an Oscar as the best film of all time.
These Are Media Things 