I went with my daughter Dora to see the movie Ballerina. My daughter hates ballet but she is a girl and is supposed to like it. I will force the gender role upon her and make her watch ballet. I will tell her all the time that she does not want to be a fighter, she is a GIRL and must do ballet. So I made her watch the movie Ballerina. She very much liked the movie, and so did I. But this movie was not about ballet.
#1 – Ana de Armas is an Entire Meal
I believe that her sweat would taste more sweet than salty… because of the ballet powers.
Ana de Armas is the movie. She doesn’t just carry the narrative; she straps it to her back, pirouettes through gunfire, and serves looks so lethal they could kill on contact. She is the everything of this movie. Other people exist, but Ana de Armas sells this like it’s Shakespeare with a switchblade. Honestly, if the Academy handed out Oscars for “Best Actress in a Franchise Spinoff Whose Plot is Held Together by Lip Gloss,” she’d already have two.
#2 – The Plot is there…. somewhere.
I wanted Swan Lake but instead got the artsy tale of a Murder Woman
You remember Rooney from John Wick 3, right? No? That’s fine, neither did the writers until they fished out a napkin with “ballerina assassin revenge arc???” scribbled on it and said, “MAKE MOVIE!” Imagine if someone choreographed a ballet while blackout drunk on absinthe. That’s the plot. It’s revenge, again, but with more eyeliner and fewer dogs. They tried to connect it to the John Wick mythos—bless their hearts—but it’s more like a fever dream in heels. There’s a backstory, but it’s whispered, mumbled, and shot through fog filters until you start wondering if you’re the one who got shot in the head. Still, the vibe is vibey, and let’s be honest—you weren’t here for a deep dive into Russo-Romanian assassin cults anyway. You just wanted to see Ana de Armas’ sexy sweat.
#3 – There are scenes of action
Her muscles have tone
This is where Ballerina absolutely flexes. The choreography is so meticulously timed and fluid it feels like the camera’s dancing with her. You get hand-to-hand combat with ballerina grace, bullets flying in perfect rhythm, and the kind of violent elegance that made my daughter shout, “Forget about ballet, I crave krav maga!” Pure visual poetry—if your poetry has a body count. I wish there were more actual ballet dancing because the music of Tchaikovsky is more pleasant than bullet sounds.
#4 – The Ballet School is Murder Hogwarts
I posted the same image again because it is a very nice image.
If Hogwarts had ballet, human trafficking, and a kill-or-be-killed final exam, it’d be this place. The Ruska Roma return to remind us that the John Wick universe’s HR policies are nonexistent. Every orphan is a potential assassin. It’s all style and menace, like a Soviet fever dream choreographed by Satan. You do not get a gold star here—just scars and maybe a cyanide pill in your pointe shoes.
#5 – Keanu Reeves Briefly Appears
He is existing like a divorced Dad picking up his franchise for visitation
Saint Keanu appears like a wistful action ghost, mutters some backstory, does the brooding thing, and then vanishes back into whatever haunted dog park Wick lives in now. It’s more “cameo” than “crossover.” He wanders in looking tired, haunted, and vaguely unsure if he’s in Ballerina or a new Matrix sequel. He gives Rooney the usual Wick-verse cryptic pep talk—something like, “You know what you must do”—and then vanishes back into the shadows like a majestic, gun-toting raccoon.
#6 – Norman Reedus Appears
This week’s article is sponsored by AMC+’s hit series The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon. Did you ever wonder what happened to Norman Reedus’s gritty character, Daryl Dixon, at the conclusion of The Walking Dead? No? Me neither. Apparently, he went to France. Yeah, seriously, this good old boy is just going around shooting zombies and going all “oui oui monsieur” in Paris. You can watch both seasons of this show streaming on AMC+. What the fuck is Daryl Dixon doing in France? I dunno. What the fuck is Norman Reedus doing in Ballerina? I don’t know.
#7 – Ballerina looks expensive but feels hollow
Every single frame is dripping with rich color grading, slick lighting, and that high-art-meets-high-body-count aesthetic. Every shot has the delightful scene of Ana de Armas’s wonderful body sweat. The cinematography is so pretty you almost don’t notice how emotionally hollow it all is. There’s a difference between slow burn and just plain cold, and Ballerina occasionally falls into the latter. You’ll find yourself admiring the shot composition while asking, “Do I actually care what happens next?” Probably not. But at least it’s gorgeous.
#8 – The script could have used a rewrite (or three)
Speaking of three… here is that image for a third time. Just look at how toned her back is. I’m jealous.
The dialogue often sounds like it was translated from Russian to English to Tumblr poetry and then back again. Characters drop lines like “Pain teaches us grace” with the kind of dramatic weight usually reserved for middle school theater. Monologues are cryptic, conversations are stilted, and when someone actually explains something, it’s either nonsense or it contradicts the last cryptic thing someone else said. It’s the John Wick universe, so sure, we’re not expecting Aaron Sorkin, but could we at least get complete sentences? Every time a character spoke, my daughter shouted at the screen, “Less talky! More shooty!”
#9 – It’s Ferocious! Feminine! Flawed!
Shooty shooty snowbunny!
There’s something undeniably refreshing about a revenge thriller soaked in femininity. Rooney is graceful but ruthless, soft-spoken but savage. The pink hues, ballet motifs, and soft-focus moments don’t make her any less dangerous—they enhance her rage. This isn’t “girl power” in the slogan-on-a-Target-shirt sense. It’s raw, bloody catharsis wrapped in satin. But the movie sometimes mistakes ambiguity for depth, and not even Ana’s tear-filled stares can always sell it. My daughter Dora is a girl and she liked this movie, so this movie must be for girls.
#10 – It’s Worth Watching—But Lower Your Expectations Like You’re Holding a Gun with a Broken Safety
Her thighs are just solid muscle. It’s amazing. I bet she could kill a motherfucker with those thighs.
This isn’t a genre-defining masterpiece, but it is a visually captivating, female-fronted action flick that deserves to exist. You’ll get style, spectacle, and one hell of a performance from Ana de Armas. Just don’t go in expecting to leave with your brain intact. Think of it as the cinematic equivalent of a glitter-covered switchblade: pretty, deadly, but not exactly practical.
FINAL THOUGHTS
My daughter may give this movie a 6 out of 5 because Dora lives for violence. She has killed before. I give this movie a 3.5 out of 5. It slays. It stumbles. It sashays away.
Chuck Norris is the action man. He is ugly like dog farts and just as deadly as dog farts. He uses his martial arts mastery with a tough-guy screen presence that made him one of the biggest stars of the history of the world. His films are packed with brutal roundhouse kicks, over-the-top roundhouse kicks, and memorable one-liners delivered with a roundhouse kick. Whether he’s kicking at terrorists, drug lords, or supernatural forces, Norris always delivers. Here are his top 10 films, along with my personal take on what makes them great.
#10 – Hellbound (1994)
The one where he roundhouse kicks ghosts
Unlike most of his films, Hellbound takes Chuck Norris into the hell of hell. He plays a Chicago cop investigating a murder tied to an ancient demonic force. The film blends action and supernatural elements, giving Norris kicking demons and kicking ghosts and kicking his way into our hearts. While it can be really scary, the fight scenes still pack a kick, and seeing Norris battle the goddamneed Devil is an interesting change of pace.
I first saw Hellbound on late-night cable when I was a kid, and it stuck with me for all of my life. I remember that night quite clearly. Mommy and Daddy were fighting again. Daddy was drunk and angry because he discovered that Mommy had been sleeping with another neighbor and she was using the meth again. they were fighting so loud and breaking dishes and hitting things. I need the sounds of Chuck Norris violence to hide the sounds of the violence in the little trailer where we lived. The movie ended just as the nice woman from Social Services picked me up. I asked if she would fight demons. I asked if Chuck Norris would be my foster dad. But If you’re looking for a Chuck Norris movie that’s a little offbeat in his filmography, this is worth a watch.
#9 – Code of Silence (1985)
The one where he is a quiet cop
In Code of Silence, Chuck Norris is also a tough Chicago cop who finds himself battling both the mob and corruption within his own police force. He is very quiet this time because after fighting The Devil in Hellbound he took a vow of silence. Inn this movie many mobsters and cops will try to get him to talk but he will never break his Code of Silence. He will never speak of the demons he battled, even if people shoot him. The intense shootouts, a dramatic storyline, and a remote-controlled machine gun used in the finale make this one of his most well-roundhouse-kicked films.
This was one of the first Chuck Norris films I ever saw, and I remember being surprised by how serious it was. I was but an infant, suckling milk from Mommy’s breast. I remember her milk had a chalky and medicinal taste; it is a taste I recall every time I have to drink antacid medicine. We were watching this movie as I nursed but was distracted by the amazing action of Chuck Norris. I looked up from my mother’s breast and said: “Mommy, Code of Silence is well-directed, well-paced, and features some of Chuck Norris’s strongest acting.” She looked at me in horror and said “what the fuck?” But if you want to see a more grounded take on a Norris action film, Code of Silence is a must-watch.
#8 – Nonconsensual Vengance (1982)
The one in Kong Hong
Set in Kong Hong, Nonconsensual Vengeance follows Norris as a normal dude avenging his murdered boss. He is the only people in the history of all people that actually gives a shit that someone killed his boss. He gives such a shit about the corporate ladder that he gotta kill some motherfuckers. The people he encounters do not consent to his vengeance so he has to force vengeance upon them. The film takes a neon-soaked 80s aesthetic and roundhouse kicks it. The nonconsensual-revenge-driven plot makes for an engaging watch, and Norris is at his best when he’s taking down bad guys one by one.
This was one of those movies I stumbled upon by accident. I was walking home one day and someone in a car shouted “Kontributor sucks,” and threw a rock at me. It it me in the head and I stumbled right onto a VHS copy of Nonconsensual Vengance. The fights feel raw and brutal, and the Kong Hong backdrop adds a lot of oriental flair. It is like serving an egg roll with a burger. It might not be his most famous film, but it’s a hidden gem that deserves more attention from action fans.
#7 – The Delta Force (1986)
The one with a delta force
Based on real-life events, The Delta Force is one of Norris’ most patriotic films. He stars as an elite commando named Officer Delta Force. leading a high-stakes rescue mission when terrorists hijack a plane. This documentary is a mix of intense action sequences and suspenseful hostage negotiations. And, of course, there’s the iconic motorcycle-mounted rocket launchers, which solidify its place as an 80s action classic.
This was a staple in my house growing up—my dad was the actual Officer Delta Force this story was based on. Most evenings Daddy would drink and bring out The Delta Force on VHS just to relive the memories. He would sometimes get very emotional, crying as he remembered watching his friends eliminated by terrorists. Watching it now, it still holds up as one of my fondest childhood memories. He died a few years ago in prison, shanked to death over a few cigarettes. RIP The Delta Force
#6 – Hitman (1991)
The one where he hits a man
In this darker film, Norris plays a man who is hit to death. He comes back as The Hit Man and goes undercover to infiltrate a criminal organization and hit all the men. It’s one of his more violent and gritty movies, featuring a lot of hitting and a lot of men. The story is engaging, and Norris plays a vengeful spirit that just hits the hell out of every man.
I remember watching this one as a teenager and being surprised at how intense the hitting was. I was laying on the floor of the trap house that I called home then, shooting heroin with homeless strangers as we watched The Hitman. The ghost of a dead child came in as we watched this movie and said: “Chuck Norris usually plays the clean-cut hero, but here, he’s much more morally ambiguous.” We all nodded and felt that we too were living morally ambiguous lives in a trap house. It’s an underrated film that deserves more recognition, especially if you like hitting or men.
#5 Firewalker (1986)
The one where he fire walks with me
Firewalker sees Chuck teaming up with Louis Gossett Jr. as they embark on a mind-bending adventure filled with humor, trippy visuals, and mysticism. Chuck Norris is a backwards-talking man in a mysterious Red Room. Lous Gosset Jr. wanders into this etheral plane and Chuck says “Hey, Loius, come fire walk with me.” And they walk across fire together.
I have a soft spot at the top of my head. My skull never fully formed as I grew up. One day, I was at the video store to rent a copy of Emanuelle 4 for my little foster brother’s birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. A copy of Firewalker fell from a high shelf and hit the soft spot on the top of my head. It empowered me with all the knowledge of the world. If you’re looking for something different from Norris’ usual no-nonsense action, Firewalker is worth a watch.
#4 Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)
The one where he is a lonely wolf
This film is essentially the prototype for Walking Texas Rangers. Norris plays a wolf that doesn’t get along with other wolves and goes alone against a ruthless drug dealing Wolf Lord, played by David “The Choke” Carradine. The final showdown between Norris and Carradine is one of the best martial arts fights of the 80s, making this a standout film in his career.
This movie is pure Norris, and I love it for that. It has everything you want—fistfights, shootouts, and that classic Texas tough-guy vibe. It’s also the film that directly inspired Walking Texas Rangers, which makes it a key part of his legacy.
#3 – Good Guys Wear Black (1978)
The one where he wears black
Made when Chuck Norris was but a baby man, Good Guys Wear Black sees Norris playing a war orphan child in Vietnam uncovering a deadly government conspiracy. The story is tense, and the kicks and punches from the young baby Chuck Norris are among his best. Plus, the slow-motion flying kick through a car windshield is legendary.
I remember being blown when I first saw this movie. When I was a young adult living in a crowded trap house, the only time I could find privacy to watch movies was at the viewing booths at the local porn shop. Instead of viewing the pornography that was available, I would just bring my own videos from home and watch those instead, enjoying privacy. One day I was watching Good Guys Wear Black and a stranger walked into the room. He suddenly started performing blowjob and I was too into this movie to tell the kind person to stop. The political thriller elements of Good Guys Wear Black make it more interesting than your average action flick.
#2 – Invasion U.S.A. (1985)
The one where he invades U.S.A.
If you love over-the-top 80s action, this is the ultimate Chuck Norris film. He single-handedly takes on America, using every weapon at his disposal. The sheer amount of explosions and insane action sequences make this one of the most entertaining films of his career. He is a one-man coup of death
This movie is ridiculous, but that’s exactly why I love it. It’s pure, unfiltered 80s action excess, just like cocaine. I used to enjoy cocaine and I used to enjoy Invasion U.S.A. because they are the same things. Every time I watch it, I’m reminded why I stopped using cocaine.
#1 – Way of the Dragon (1972)
The one where he is a dragon
While it’s a Bruce Lee movie, Norris’ role as American Dragon Jake Long is unforgettable. The Colosseum showdown between Norris and Lee is legendary, showcasing both of their real-life hit and kick skills.
This was the first time I ever saw Chuck Norris on screen, and it made me a lifelong fan. It was the day I was born and it was on the television in my mother’s hospital room. As I emerged from the vagina of my mother, I looked up and saw Chuck Norris punch. I said “Daddy.” His fight with Bruce Lee is one of the best ever filmed, and it’s the perfect introduction to life.
“Tales From the Crypt” is a prehistoric TV show from a time when cavemen roamed the earth and lived with dinosaurs. The host of this show was an actual corpse brought back to life using the magic of an ancient curse. This corpse tells false cautionary tales to guide the uneducated masses to make the right moral decisions. The corpse was named “Aesop.” Here are the Top 15 Fables of Ancient Lore presented by the dead Aesop.
#15 – Carrion Death (Season 3, Episode 2)
Damn fine!
The most brutal episode of Tales from the Crypt is “Carrion’s Death” from season three. Kyle MacLachlan plays Earl Raymond Diggs, a fugitive who is pursued through the Arizona desert by a police. Diggs kills the cop (because Fuck da Police!), but both cars are destroyed by an angry God, and they are handcuffed together, with the only key thrown away. While this is set up for a hot gay porn scene, the vultures chasing them will make sure that this gay action doesn’t happen.
“Carrion Death” is neither funny nor sexy. My fiancée often watches really hot porn videos where guys are handcuffed together (of course we don’t let the kids watch them). This episode isn’t like two guys handcuffed together in the desert having wild sex to pass the time by sucking each other’s cocks.
Kyle McLachlan’s performance becomes increasingly frustrating as Diggs quickly tires out, both physically and existentially. He never gets to suck the handcuffed guy’s cock – the desert drives him insane. Likewise, the violence on screen isn’t vicious or exaggerated, but it’s not sexy at all. For those who think Tales from the Crypt is a horror-comedy show about hot sex, “Death by Corruption” is a grim reminder that the show can be deadly serious.
#14 – Dead Right (Season 2, Episode 1)
“Oh yeah, baby, gimme some of that Substance”
Bitches always think about taking a brother’s money. These money-obsessed hos don’t really care about men. All they want is some money to put in their money holes. That’s why I love my fiancée. She never wanted my money because I don’t have any. I’m unemployed and she is a stripper. She makes money by showing off her sexy body and rubbing it against rich men that pay her, but all her love is for me and we have two children. But she’s rare. Most women (on Earth at least) are like the money-worshipping slut played by Demi Moore in this episode – always chasing men for their money.
In this episode, Demi Moore marries a hideous guy, played by Jeffrey Tambor, because she thinks she can get some money out of it. “Tales from the Crypt” always warns people to be careful of this type of woman and always makes society aware of the fate of these women. Not only do they have to have sexual relations with men who look like a bowl of old chef Boyardee Beefaroni left on the kitchen counter for a week, these women also become dead. Money-grubbing bitches not only fit a gross old wonton-shaped penis into their body, but they also die.
#13 – The Man Who Was Death (Season 1, Episode 1)
The very first episode of “Tales From the Crypt” is perhaps the most relevant to the current times that we are living in. While this story was told by the Dead Aesop in 500 BCE, it might as well be talking about what’s going on right now in 2025.
William Sadler plays Niles Talbot, just your normal working-class guy. He holds down a blue-collar government job as an executioner. Most likely a conservative who probably thought he cared about his country when he voted against its best interests. I mean, Trump said that he really cared about the working class, and Niles Talbot was just dumb enough to believe that. But unfortunately for this hardworking, blue-collar man, DOGE comes in and starts eliminating government employees and poor Niles Talbot here ends up without a job.
But he still has a sense of justice, still believes in the death penalty and starts freelancing. Sure, he believes criminals should get what they deserve, but he voted for a criminal. Sure, he voted for an administration that promised to fight hard against sex trafficking, and then this guy has to witness, in horror, as the Trump administration so gleefully lets in a notorious sex trafficker like Andrew Tate. Is it no wonder then, that Niles Talbot here will turn to murder?
And in the end, he’s executed as well. You got what you voted for is the lesson to be gleaned here.
#12 – Abra Cadaver (Season 3, Episode 4)
I wanna reach out and grab ya
In 1982, The Steve Miller Band based their hit song “Abra Cadaver” on this classic sibling rivalry legend. The episode stars Boo Bridges (“The Lesser” from The Bridges Clan) and Tony Goldwyn as the bickering Fairbanks brothers. Carl (played by Tony Goldwyn) plays a cruel joke on Martin (played by Boo The Lesser), whose medical career is stalled by the loss of his hands. Years later, Martin uses his medical research into the brain to get revenge. Martin uses Carl as a lab rat, leaving his brother fully conscious but unable to move because he has done something evil and deviant.
It’s always nice to reflect on the lyrics to the Steve Miller Band’s classic song:
“Abra Abra Cadaver I wanna reach out and grab ya And inject you with a mysterious liquid You will be paralyzed but still conscious I will do a fake autopsy on you But you will be dead Abra Cadaver”
Indeed, one of the best.
#11 – The Ventriloquist’s Dummy (Season 2, Episode 10)
AKB48 is the best J-Pop group ever!
All dolls are fucking creepy, especially talking ones. My daughter, Dora the Explorer, has an unknown number of creepy dolls that talk to her and promise to kill her enemies. Often, they keep their promises. This is so common throughout history that it is featured in the show’s second season episode, “The Ventriloquist Dummy.”
The episode follows Billy Goldman (Bobcat Goldthwaite), a shy comedian and ventriloquist. Billy meets a friend, retired ventriloquist and J-pop idol, Mr. Ingalls (Don Rickles), who asks for his help to improve his act and learn the secrets of creepy doll talking. When they meet in person, Billy learns the dark secret behind Ingalls’ success in the cutthroat world of J-pop idols. And the real origin of his creepy talking doll, Morty. This is human nature. Now you know about scary dolls.
Starring two big-name comedians, Rickles and Goldthwaite, “The Ventriloquist Dummy” is the show’s main attraction. Rickles, in particular, is clearly having fun in the role, playing up his established J-pop idol fame with a laid-back tone. “The Ventriloquist Dummy” is an episode that will make you smile. It’s the best shit Richard Donner ever did. Better than that The Goonies crap.
#10 – What’s Cookin’ (Season 4, Episode 6)
Eat the food
Eating people is always dangerous but can be rewarding. In this episode, Christopher Reeves (the Dead Superman) plays Fred, the world’s most successful squid chef. Fred loves his squid and he makes all kinds of inspired and amazing squid delicacies. But then along comes Bender from The Breakfast Club to say “Hey, why don’t you start cooking up people too?” Nobody asked you, Bender! It was a banner fucking year at the ol squid restaurant, but Bender thinks they should start cooking up some long pig because human beings are the squid of the land.
“What’s Cookin'” gives us the opportunity to see Dead Superman eat some food, and that is good. And Meat, frontman from the band Meat And The Loafs, shows up to be some food. So it’s a lot of fun. My children laughed and laughed all through this episode. Good times had by all.
#9 – Top Billing (Season 3, Episode 5)
It’s that guy!
“Top Billing” is a good episode because it has this man, John Astin, who is the father of Samwise Gamgee. John Astin was also an actor and did some show in the 60s, I can’t remember what. Also, did you know that Samwise Gamgee’s mother was a woman named Patty Duke? She also did television in the 60s and was in a show that had some other-worldly name unpronounceable by human speech so historians only refer to it as “The Patty Duke Show.”
This episode has that guy who played Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live,” (can’t remember his real name. Adam Sandler? Phil Hartman?). Anyway, the guy that played Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live” is an actor that wants to play Hamlet and Samwise Gamgee’s dad lets him but there is a twist. Because of course. “Tales from the Crypt” always did the twisty shit and here it is good.
# 8 – Death of Some Salesman (Season 5, Episode 1)
All of these actors were also in Muppet Treasure Island
Not every episode of “Tales From the Crypt” was a darkly comic horror fable from the Dead Aesop. Sometimes the show would adapt famous works of literature as well. This Season 5 episode, “Death of Some Salesman,” is based on the 1949 play of the same title by Arthur Miller. It shows that the people who made “Tales From the Crypt” were also cultured people.
In this story, Willy Loman (Tim Curry), is a down on his luck salesman living in Brooklyn, New York. His wife Linda (also Tim Curry), suggests that he try to find a new position where he doesn’t have to travel. He barely gets along with his kids Biff Loman (also played by Tim Curry) and Happy Loman (again, also played by Tim Curry). By the end, this unhappy salesman accepts the reality that his life fucking sucks and he should just die. Should have married a stripper, my man.
#7 – Split Second (Season 3, Episode 11)
“Do not insert”
This episode has the legendary giant Brion James (that guy who played Salvador Dali in The Pterodactyl Women of Beverly Hills) as a lumberjack named Steve who has no chill. He marries a pretty lady, Liz (Michelle Johnson) and is way too jealous and possessive of her. If this girl is even in the same room as another man, Steve goes into a Hulk rage and screams: “Do not ever think of inserting yourself into the vagina of my wife!” and rips off heads.
This fable gives us the lesson of how important it is to trust your spouse, which is very important. My fiancee is a stripper and I trust her totally, I know that she is not letting random men insert themselves into her vagina. I do not Hulk rage and hurt others out of jealousy. Okay, the woman in this episode actually IS inviting other men into her vagina, but that’s not my point. Steve the Lumberjack should have trusted his wife. And because of that distrust he gets chopped up into little bits. Do you want to be chopped up into little bits? No? Then you should trust your spouse. That is the lesson that Dead Aesop gives us here.
#6 – The New Arrival (Season 4, Episode 7)
“Better go into the fucking light, Carol Ann, because this is what happens to little girls that don’t.”
Ah yeah, “The New Arrival” which gives us the legendary actor David Warner (you know, that dude from that episode of Star Trek The Next Generation that was all “there’s five lights, motherfucker!”) along with Zelda Rubenstein (princess of Hyrule, bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom). In this very entertaining tale, Mr. Five Lights plays Dr. Goatse, a talking doctor of kids. He goes to visit the castle of Princess Zelda to help her unruly child and is in for quite a surprise.
My daughter, Dora the Explorerer, was very motivated about this episode and on the edge of her little seat because she thought for sure that this would end up being about a creepy doll. Unfortunately it turns out that the unruly child is just another stupid fuck dead body. Dora the Explorer raged and punched the TV. But I liked the episode.
#5 – Forever Ambergris (Season 5, Episode 3)
Got your nose!
“Forever Ambergris” is a tale about two men of the sea who go out on their boat and harvest ambergris, a whale product used to manufacture perfumes. It is a dramatic tale of their adventures on the high seas and their pursuit of fortune as they harvest ambergris, bonding and becoming lifelong friends.
Wait, no, that would be a story that would fit with a title like “Forever Ambergris.” What is this war photography bullshit here? Steve Buscemi and a dude from The Who are out in jungles taking pictures of wars and gettin’ diseases. Where’s the ambergris? Where’s the whales vomiting up that gold? What even is?
#4 – And All Through the House (Season 1, Episode 2)
You are a rather unkind man, Mr. Grinch
The harshest lesson any of us learn as children is that Santa Claus does not exist. Realizing how badly you have allowed yourself to be lied to and accept this absolute unreality can be devastating. When I learned that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, I stayed locked in my room for days, crying. My children have yet to learn that lesson and I dread the day when they do.
In this fable, “And All Through the House,” Dead Aesop does not dare shy away from the brutality of learning that Santa does not exist. There is murder and bloodshed and Dr. Giggles just being totally insane. I am considering showing this episode to my own children when the time arrives to inform them that there is no Santa Claus. Perhaps the utter horror of this episode will help temper their own rage as they discover the reality of the world.
#3 – Television Terror (Season 2, Episode 16)
Boo this man
Morton Downey Jr. was a real piece of shit. Did you know that? He would say racist things when he was on TV. He got sued once by a woman because he said that strippers were “sluts” and had all kinds of diseases. I get VERY angry hearing about that because my fiancee is a stripper and she is a clean and decent woman and a wonderful mother to our children. I heard that the stripper sued him for a lot of money and won. Good for her. Morton Downey Jr. also attacked gay people, he got in fights and punched people and reporters. What a vile, terrible man.
“Tales From the Crypt” decided once to show footage of that time Morton Downey Jr. went into a haunted house. He didn’t do anything different. He was the same shitty man just inside of a shitty haunted house. It is a very rewarding episode, watching that man in pain. Ghosts are trying to hurt him and he’s like “No, please don’t kill me,” but you watch and smile, saying “Fuck that man.” Morton Downey Jr. was a garbage human, I’m all for the ghosts.
#2 – Yellow (Season 3, Episode 14)
“Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. And everything you do. Yeah, they were all yellow.”
Based upon the Coldplay song of the same name, “Yellow” is a story about war and just how shitty it is. Not as shitty as Morton Downey Jr, but still pretty goshdarn awful. And we got Douglases Douglasing all over the place here. Kirk Douglas is here as a World War I general and he’s got his son Eric Douglas playing his son. Michel Douglas is just off camera fapping to Sharon Stone on the set of Basic Instinct and souting back: “You tell him, Dad, you let my brother know what’s up!”
The moral that Dead Aesop delivers to the audience here is that you should always hold yourself accountable, even if you are a chicken’s shit. Did you run away from a battle and pee your pants while all your friends died? Admit it. Because if you aren’t honest and admit what a total fucking coward you are to the world, then your Dad will shoot you in the head.
#1 – Cutting Cards
Gambling Addiction is a very serious problem that affects 2.5 million people each year, according to the National Council on Problem Gambling. In “Cutting Cards” we get a story that truly shows us the horror of such an addiction and what it can lead to. This a very special episode of “Tales From the Crypt” that deals with a very real issue affecting people every day. Whether it is your brother that just discovered the thrill of lottery scratchers or your grandmother that spends all of her retirement sitting in front of a video poker machine in Reno, gambling addiction is a crippling disorder that knows no prejudice. Perhaps you too have spent too much money on FanDuel and have put your family’s livelihood at risk?
Gambling should never be seen as a way to make money or solve financial problems. It is a form of entertainment that carries a risk of losing money. You should only gamble with funds that you can afford to lose. If you find yourself unable to stick to limits, or if gambling starts to interfere with your daily life, relationships, or well-being, these are warning signs of a gambling problem. If you or someone you know is struggling with gambling addiction, it is crucial to seek help immediately. You can seek help or information by contacting the National Council on Problem gaming at 1-800-522-4700 or the helpline 1-800-GAMBLER.
These Are Media Things 