Ten Things About the Movie “Ballerina” (2025)

I went with my daughter Dora to see the movie Ballerina. My daughter hates ballet but she is a girl and is supposed to like it. I will force the gender role upon her and make her watch ballet. I will tell her all the time that she does not want to be a fighter, she is a GIRL and must do ballet. So I made her watch the movie Ballerina. She very much liked the movie, and so did I. But this movie was not about ballet.

#1 – Ana de Armas is an Entire Meal

I believe that her sweat would taste more sweet than salty… because of the ballet powers.

Ana de Armas is the movie. She doesn’t just carry the narrative; she straps it to her back, pirouettes through gunfire, and serves looks so lethal they could kill on contact. She is the everything of this movie. Other people exist, but Ana de Armas sells this like it’s Shakespeare with a switchblade. Honestly, if the Academy handed out Oscars for “Best Actress in a Franchise Spinoff Whose Plot is Held Together by Lip Gloss,” she’d already have two.

#2 – The Plot is there…. somewhere.

I wanted Swan Lake but instead got the artsy tale of a Murder Woman

You remember Rooney from John Wick 3, right? No? That’s fine, neither did the writers until they fished out a napkin with “ballerina assassin revenge arc???” scribbled on it and said, “MAKE MOVIE!” Imagine if someone choreographed a ballet while blackout drunk on absinthe. That’s the plot. It’s revenge, again, but with more eyeliner and fewer dogs. They tried to connect it to the John Wick mythos—bless their hearts—but it’s more like a fever dream in heels. There’s a backstory, but it’s whispered, mumbled, and shot through fog filters until you start wondering if you’re the one who got shot in the head. Still, the vibe is vibey, and let’s be honest—you weren’t here for a deep dive into Russo-Romanian assassin cults anyway. You just wanted to see Ana de Armas’ sexy sweat.

#3 – There are scenes of action

This is where Ballerina absolutely flexes. The choreography is so meticulously timed and fluid it feels like the camera’s dancing with her. You get hand-to-hand combat with ballerina grace, bullets flying in perfect rhythm, and the kind of violent elegance that made my daughter shout, “Forget about ballet, I crave krav maga!” Pure visual poetry—if your poetry has a body count. I wish there were more actual ballet dancing because the music of Tchaikovsky is more pleasant than bullet sounds.

#4 – The Ballet School is Murder Hogwarts

I posted the same image again because it is a very nice image.

If Hogwarts had ballet, human trafficking, and a kill-or-be-killed final exam, it’d be this place. The Ruska Roma return to remind us that the John Wick universe’s HR policies are nonexistent. Every orphan is a potential assassin. It’s all style and menace, like a Soviet fever dream choreographed by Satan. You do not get a gold star here—just scars and maybe a cyanide pill in your pointe shoes.

#5 – Keanu Reeves Briefly Appears

He is existing like a divorced Dad picking up his franchise for visitation

Saint Keanu appears like a wistful action ghost, mutters some backstory, does the brooding thing, and then vanishes back into whatever haunted dog park Wick lives in now. It’s more “cameo” than “crossover.” He wanders in looking tired, haunted, and vaguely unsure if he’s in Ballerina or a new Matrix sequel. He gives Rooney the usual Wick-verse cryptic pep talk—something like, “You know what you must do”—and then vanishes back into the shadows like a majestic, gun-toting raccoon.

#6 – Norman Reedus Appears

This week’s article is sponsored by AMC+’s hit series The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon. Did you ever wonder what happened to Norman Reedus’s gritty character, Daryl Dixon, at the conclusion of The Walking Dead? No? Me neither. Apparently, he went to France. Yeah, seriously, this good old boy is just going around shooting zombies and going all “oui oui monsieur” in Paris. You can watch both seasons of this show streaming on AMC+. What the fuck is Daryl Dixon doing in France? I dunno. What the fuck is Norman Reedus doing in Ballerina? I don’t know.

#7 – Ballerina looks expensive but feels hollow

Every single frame is dripping with rich color grading, slick lighting, and that high-art-meets-high-body-count aesthetic. Every shot has the delightful scene of Ana de Armas’s wonderful body sweat. The cinematography is so pretty you almost don’t notice how emotionally hollow it all is. There’s a difference between slow burn and just plain cold, and Ballerina occasionally falls into the latter. You’ll find yourself admiring the shot composition while asking, “Do I actually care what happens next?” Probably not. But at least it’s gorgeous.

#8 – The script could have used a rewrite (or three)

Speaking of three… here is that image for a third time. Just look at how toned her back is. I’m jealous.

The dialogue often sounds like it was translated from Russian to English to Tumblr poetry and then back again. Characters drop lines like “Pain teaches us grace” with the kind of dramatic weight usually reserved for middle school theater. Monologues are cryptic, conversations are stilted, and when someone actually explains something, it’s either nonsense or it contradicts the last cryptic thing someone else said. It’s the John Wick universe, so sure, we’re not expecting Aaron Sorkin, but could we at least get complete sentences? Every time a character spoke, my daughter shouted at the screen, “Less talky! More shooty!”

#9 – It’s Ferocious! Feminine! Flawed!

There’s something undeniably refreshing about a revenge thriller soaked in femininity. Rooney is graceful but ruthless, soft-spoken but savage. The pink hues, ballet motifs, and soft-focus moments don’t make her any less dangerous—they enhance her rage. This isn’t “girl power” in the slogan-on-a-Target-shirt sense. It’s raw, bloody catharsis wrapped in satin. But the movie sometimes mistakes ambiguity for depth, and not even Ana’s tear-filled stares can always sell it. My daughter Dora is a girl and she liked this movie, so this movie must be for girls.

#10 – It’s Worth Watching—But Lower Your Expectations Like You’re Holding a Gun with a Broken Safety

Her thighs are just solid muscle. It’s amazing. I bet she could kill a motherfucker with those thighs.

This isn’t a genre-defining masterpiece, but it is a visually captivating, female-fronted action flick that deserves to exist. You’ll get style, spectacle, and one hell of a performance from Ana de Armas. Just don’t go in expecting to leave with your brain intact. Think of it as the cinematic equivalent of a glitter-covered switchblade: pretty, deadly, but not exactly practical.

FINAL THOUGHTS

My daughter may give this movie a 6 out of 5 because Dora lives for violence. She has killed before. I give this movie a 3.5 out of 5. It slays. It stumbles. It sashays away.

The Top 10 Chuck Norris Movies

Chuck Norris is the action man. He is ugly like dog farts and just as deadly as dog farts. He uses his martial arts mastery with a tough-guy screen presence that made him one of the biggest stars of the history of the world. His films are packed with brutal roundhouse kicks, over-the-top roundhouse kicks, and memorable one-liners delivered with a roundhouse kick. Whether he’s kicking at terrorists, drug lords, or supernatural forces, Norris always delivers. Here are his top 10 films, along with my personal take on what makes them great.

#10 – Hellbound (1994)

The one where he roundhouse kicks ghosts

Unlike most of his films, Hellbound takes Chuck Norris into the hell of hell. He plays a Chicago cop investigating a murder tied to an ancient demonic force. The film blends action and supernatural elements, giving Norris kicking demons and kicking ghosts and kicking his way into our hearts. While it can be really scary, the fight scenes still pack a kick, and seeing Norris battle the goddamneed Devil is an interesting change of pace.

I first saw Hellbound on late-night cable when I was a kid, and it stuck with me for all of my life. I remember that night quite clearly. Mommy and Daddy were fighting again. Daddy was drunk and angry because he discovered that Mommy had been sleeping with another neighbor and she was using the meth again. they were fighting so loud and breaking dishes and hitting things. I need the sounds of Chuck Norris violence to hide the sounds of the violence in the little trailer where we lived. The movie ended just as the nice woman from Social Services picked me up. I asked if she would fight demons. I asked if Chuck Norris would be my foster dad. But If you’re looking for a Chuck Norris movie that’s a little offbeat in his filmography, this is worth a watch.

#9 – Code of Silence (1985)

In Code of Silence, Chuck Norris is also a tough Chicago cop who finds himself battling both the mob and corruption within his own police force. He is very quiet this time because after fighting The Devil in Hellbound he took a vow of silence. Inn this movie many mobsters and cops will try to get him to talk but he will never break his Code of Silence. He will never speak of the demons he battled, even if people shoot him. The intense shootouts, a dramatic storyline, and a remote-controlled machine gun used in the finale make this one of his most well-roundhouse-kicked films.

This was one of the first Chuck Norris films I ever saw, and I remember being surprised by how serious it was. I was but an infant, suckling milk from Mommy’s breast. I remember her milk had a chalky and medicinal taste; it is a taste I recall every time I have to drink antacid medicine. We were watching this movie as I nursed but was distracted by the amazing action of Chuck Norris. I looked up from my mother’s breast and said: “Mommy, Code of Silence is well-directed, well-paced, and features some of Chuck Norris’s strongest acting.” She looked at me in horror and said “what the fuck?” But if you want to see a more grounded take on a Norris action film, Code of Silence is a must-watch.

#8 – Nonconsensual Vengance (1982)

Set in Kong Hong, Nonconsensual Vengeance follows Norris as a normal dude avenging his murdered boss. He is the only people in the history of all people that actually gives a shit that someone killed his boss. He gives such a shit about the corporate ladder that he gotta kill some motherfuckers. The people he encounters do not consent to his vengeance so he has to force vengeance upon them. The film takes a neon-soaked 80s aesthetic and roundhouse kicks it. The nonconsensual-revenge-driven plot makes for an engaging watch, and Norris is at his best when he’s taking down bad guys one by one.

This was one of those movies I stumbled upon by accident. I was walking home one day and someone in a car shouted “Kontributor sucks,” and threw a rock at me. It it me in the head and I stumbled right onto a VHS copy of Nonconsensual Vengance. The fights feel raw and brutal, and the Kong Hong backdrop adds a lot of oriental flair. It is like serving an egg roll with a burger. It might not be his most famous film, but it’s a hidden gem that deserves more attention from action fans.

#7 – The Delta Force (1986)

Based on real-life events, The Delta Force is one of Norris’ most patriotic films. He stars as an elite commando named Officer Delta Force. leading a high-stakes rescue mission when terrorists hijack a plane. This documentary is a mix of intense action sequences and suspenseful hostage negotiations. And, of course, there’s the iconic motorcycle-mounted rocket launchers, which solidify its place as an 80s action classic.

This was a staple in my house growing up—my dad was the actual Officer Delta Force this story was based on. Most evenings Daddy would drink and bring out The Delta Force on VHS just to relive the memories. He would sometimes get very emotional, crying as he remembered watching his friends eliminated by terrorists. Watching it now, it still holds up as one of my fondest childhood memories. He died a few years ago in prison, shanked to death over a few cigarettes. RIP The Delta Force

#6 – Hitman (1991)

In this darker film, Norris plays a man who is hit to death. He comes back as The Hit Man and goes undercover to infiltrate a criminal organization and hit all the men. It’s one of his more violent and gritty movies, featuring a lot of hitting and a lot of men. The story is engaging, and Norris plays a vengeful spirit that just hits the hell out of every man.

I remember watching this one as a teenager and being surprised at how intense the hitting was. I was laying on the floor of the trap house that I called home then, shooting heroin with homeless strangers as we watched The Hitman. The ghost of a dead child came in as we watched this movie and said: “Chuck Norris usually plays the clean-cut hero, but here, he’s much more morally ambiguous.” We all nodded and felt that we too were living morally ambiguous lives in a trap house. It’s an underrated film that deserves more recognition, especially if you like hitting or men.

#5 Firewalker (1986)

Firewalker sees Chuck teaming up with Louis Gossett Jr. as they embark on a mind-bending adventure filled with humor, trippy visuals, and mysticism. Chuck Norris is a backwards-talking man in a mysterious Red Room. Lous Gosset Jr. wanders into this etheral plane and Chuck says “Hey, Loius, come fire walk with me.” And they walk across fire together.

I have a soft spot at the top of my head. My skull never fully formed as I grew up. One day, I was at the video store to rent a copy of Emanuelle 4 for my little foster brother’s birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. A copy of Firewalker fell from a high shelf and hit the soft spot on the top of my head. It empowered me with all the knowledge of the world. If you’re looking for something different from Norris’ usual no-nonsense action, Firewalker is worth a watch.

#4 Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

This film is essentially the prototype for Walking Texas Rangers. Norris plays a wolf that doesn’t get along with other wolves and goes alone against a ruthless drug dealing Wolf Lord, played by David “The Choke” Carradine. The final showdown between Norris and Carradine is one of the best martial arts fights of the 80s, making this a standout film in his career.

This movie is pure Norris, and I love it for that. It has everything you want—fistfights, shootouts, and that classic Texas tough-guy vibe. It’s also the film that directly inspired Walking Texas Rangers, which makes it a key part of his legacy.

#3 – Good Guys Wear Black (1978)

Made when Chuck Norris was but a baby man, Good Guys Wear Black sees Norris playing a war orphan child in Vietnam uncovering a deadly government conspiracy. The story is tense, and the kicks and punches from the young baby Chuck Norris are among his best. Plus, the slow-motion flying kick through a car windshield is legendary.

I remember being blown when I first saw this movie. When I was a young adult living in a crowded trap house, the only time I could find privacy to watch movies was at the viewing booths at the local porn shop. Instead of viewing the pornography that was available, I would just bring my own videos from home and watch those instead, enjoying privacy. One day I was watching Good Guys Wear Black and a stranger walked into the room. He suddenly started performing blowjob and I was too into this movie to tell the kind person to stop. The political thriller elements of Good Guys Wear Black make it more interesting than your average action flick.

#2 – Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

If you love over-the-top 80s action, this is the ultimate Chuck Norris film. He single-handedly takes on America, using every weapon at his disposal. The sheer amount of explosions and insane action sequences make this one of the most entertaining films of his career. He is a one-man coup of death

This movie is ridiculous, but that’s exactly why I love it. It’s pure, unfiltered 80s action excess, just like cocaine. I used to enjoy cocaine and I used to enjoy Invasion U.S.A. because they are the same things. Every time I watch it, I’m reminded why I stopped using cocaine.

#1 – Way of the Dragon (1972)

While it’s a Bruce Lee movie, Norris’ role as American Dragon Jake Long is unforgettable. The Colosseum showdown between Norris and Lee is legendary, showcasing both of their real-life hit and kick skills.

This was the first time I ever saw Chuck Norris on screen, and it made me a lifelong fan. It was the day I was born and it was on the television in my mother’s hospital room. As I emerged from the vagina of my mother, I looked up and saw Chuck Norris punch. I said “Daddy.” His fight with Bruce Lee is one of the best ever filmed, and it’s the perfect introduction to life.

Top 10 Batman Movies

Batman is part man part bat but mostly man with some bat qualities but no bat DNA. Bruce Wayne’s millionaire parents probably did have sex with bats because rich people are weird, but they never created a bat person hybrid. Bruce Wayne is just a rich dude with a bat fursona that tosses on his bat costume to yiff crime. There are movies.

#10 – Batman and Others

Batman is part of a large community of other furries and cosplayers. In this movie from director Joel, Batman goes to Gotham’s FurCon and meets some new friends. He goes with his young partner (the “we fuckin’ but bein’ vague ’bout it” kinda partner) Robin, a young gay man who likes to dress as a robin. At FurCon they meet up with BatGirl who likes to be a bat too. Batgirl is the daughter of the police commissioner though and has to keep this secret because it would look really bad for her father if people knew she was going to conventions and inviting strangers to hop on into the bat cave between her legs.

But not everyone at FurCon is nice. There is a plant woman, Poison Ivy, who is partnered up with some dumb dude that’s doing the worst Bane cosplay ever. There is also an ice man that has a big ice fetish and talks about ice and frozen things all the time.

#9 – Batman Furever

Furries are some of the most oppressed people in the world. I know this because when I dress up in my rabbit fursona and have sex with my fiancee, people get very upset. They bully me and say things like, “You can’t do that in Burger King! Go home!” Batman knows this struggle. Ever since he saw his millionaire parents murdered by a crime man, he has struggled to be a bat. In Batman Furever, Batman sets out with his “partner” Robin to make the world save for all furries, forever.

The anti-fur brigade is led by two evil people. There is The Riddler, played by Jim Carrey, who I think has an orgasm at one point. And Tommy Lee Jones plays Two Faces, a man that has two faces. He has a left face and a right face and in one scene he bangs Drew Barrymore with his two dicks.

The movie is very colorful and very bright so you might think it’s like a cartoon and safe for kids but it’s not. Batman Furever has a lot of hardcore fursuit fuckin’ and unless you want to explain that to your kids, don’t show them this.

#8 – The Dark Knight Rises

Batman sometimes thinks of himself as a knight. But it’s not legitimate. He was dubbed “The Dark Knight” by the guy playing a king at a Medieval Times restaurant. I had to learn the hard way (after a long legal battle and charges of disturbing the peace) that the king at Medieval Times restaurant is not actually the king of anything. When you get dubbed “knight” by the king at a Medival Times restaurant, it is actually just playing pretend, it’s not real. But Batman doesn’t know that yet.

Batman finds a girl in the neighborhood to play pretend with, a girl that likes to pretend to be a cat. So Batman and Catgirl hang out in his treehouse and play pretend games about the Knight and the Pussycat. But there is a man out there named Bane that is definitely not playing pretend. Bane actually is an evil and dangerous man that is actually killing people and causing massive destruction. But Batman and Catgirl put on their costumes and play pretend at him. It doesn’t end happy.

#7 – Batman (1966)

This is a very old movie that comes from a time when people didn’t know what bats were. This winged mammal thing had only recently been discovered and this movie shows the struggle to understand just what a bat is? Where did bats come from? What do bats do? What do bats want? This movie is about a young Batman trying to find the answers to those questions.

Everyone else in the movie knows who they are and what they do. The Joker knows what a joker is, The Penguin knows what a penguin is, Catgirl knows what a cat is. The Riddler knows what a riddle is. But Batman does not know what a bat is. He wonders “Do bats were belts?” “Do bats secrete a spray to repel sharks?” “What is bat?” He wanders this movie from person to person asking “Please Ceasar Romero, tell me, what is bat?” Will he find the answers he seeks?

#6 Batman (1989)

This is the first Batman movie to be directed by Tim Burton. He is a man that is more popular in Canada. So popular in Canada that there is a whole chain of thousands of restaurants in Canada serving food and coffee called “Tim Burtons.”

This one is the one where Batman plays pretend at The Joker who makes many jokes that are all solid because Jack Nicholson is a famous comedian. The movie was a success because playing pretend was very popular in the 1980s. It was a time when people played pretend that trickle down economics worked, people played pretend that a War on Drugs would stop the drugs. So of course everyone loved the movie where millionaire Bruce Wayne played pretend as a bat and never trickled down his economics or stopped drugs.

#5 – Batman Returns

He returned, yeah. I dunno what you want me to say. It’s there in the title “Batman Returns.” He does a lot of returning. At the end of Batman, he had to go home because it was time for dinner and everyone was like “Okay, Batman, but return and play pretend with us again sometime soon.” And that’s what he does, he returns and plays pretend until it’s time to go home again.

#4 – Batman is a Lego

Ever since the first Batman movies started coming out there were always toys. Children all over the world could play pretend with the play pretend furry man. The toys were all so popular that instead of making another movie about Batman, they just made a movie about the toys.

The people that make Batman movies were sitting at the big table and asking each other “What kind of play pretend should Batman do next? Should he play pretend with penguins or scarecrows?” Then one wrinkled old story dude (because all the people that make up movies for us to consume are wrinkled old rich people), he said “What if Batman poked you in the foot while you were going to the bathroom barefoot in the middle of the night?” Another wrinkled old person said “What if Batman got sucked into the vacuum and rattled around until you had to turn the vacuum off and dig him out?” Finally it was a wrinkled old woman that said “What if a toddler choked to death on Batman?” And so they decided to make Batman a Lego and they made a lot of money to hoard.

#3 – The Dark Knight

Batman gets to hang out with The Jokester again. Only this Jokester is not funny at all, he is very serious and very evil. He wants to burn the world and watch it. Clowns look at this clown and say “I may be a clown but at least I’m not that evil.”

In this movie, Batman has to play pretend harder than he’s ever pretended before. He realizes that the only way to defeat the actor from A Knight’s Tale is to become a knight yourself. So that’s how he ends up in a Medieval Times restaurant to become knighted by just some guy named Lucius Fox who happens to be playing the king at that Gotham Medieval Times restaurant.

#2 – Batman Starts

Very well written and directed, has the perfect tone. The Dark Knight is very serious, and even though Heath Ledger is the best Jokester actor, I feel like they didn’t know what to do with him, which is why I like Mark Hamill better. This movie is well written. The weakest movie in the Dark Knight trilogy, the weakest move of all time. This is a new take on Batman, giving us a truly serious and realistic version of the Furry Crusader. The Rizz Al Skibidi and Scarecrow story is fantastic.

The Rizz Al Skibidi is one of Batman’s best villains and is played to perfection by Liam Neeson. Great story, and a great performance from Christian Bale. It was the beginning of what I believe to be the greatest story ever told.

#1 The Batman

This is the worst Batman movie ever made and is possibly the worst movie ever made. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided this should be #1 on this list. This shouldn’t even be on this list at all. You know that episode of Batman The Animated Series that’s called “I’ve got Batman in my Basement,” and it’s about Batman just hanging out in some kid’s basement like a chomo? That should be on this list before this stupid movie.

You have a guy that’s “The Penguin” but he doesn’t look anything like a penguin; he is just a fat dude. And there is a girl that is supposed to be like a Catgirl but she doesn’t do cat stuff, never once licks her own butthole. These people gotta know that if you’re gonna be a furry you gotta fuckin’ COMMIT. You want to go to Furry Con as a penguin, then get a real penguin fursona and don’t just walk in looking like fat Collin Ferrel. Get fucked, The Batman.

Is Martin a Vampire?

Hello! The people from the podcast Exploit It recently asked me to record my thoughts to answer the question “Is Martin a Vampire?” I believe that he is and that is what I say in this video. They also did an episode about Martin and how he is definitely a vampire.

Review – “The Exorcist Believer”

Hello, it is me Kontributor with a review for a new movie called The Exorcist Believer. It is a sequel to the 1973 movie The Exorcist and it is the only sequel there is. That movie came out 50 years ago and since it was so long ago people began to believe that it didn’t actually exist. So the Blumhouse people decided to remind people that we should still believe in that movie by making a whole thing about The Exorcist Believer. I took my family to see this movie and, yes, we now believe that The Exorcist existed.

Will this child believe in *The Exorcist*? Keep reading to find out.

The movie has Aaron Burr being a single father raising his 13-year-old daughter, Angela. I know it’s been a struggle for Aaron Burr ever since he shot Alexander Hamilton dead in 1804 – but he’s come a long way and is acting in movies now. In this movie, his daughter Angela runs off with her BFF Katherine to summon ghosts in an open grave and they accidentally become possessed by demons. Aaron Burr has to team up with this other family, like 3 different priests, his fat neighbor, and an old church lady to do this all-out, no holds barred, tag-team cage match, multicultural exorcism.

Aaron Burr and this old lady believe in *The Exorcist*

I have a young daughter, Alpha Dora, and this movie did make me rethink how I am raising her. I’ve been so stupidly letting my daughter run around in cemeteries with her friends where they take off their shoes, do battle with crypt snakes, and talk to the dead. Now that I am a believer in the 1973 film The Exorcist, I know not to let my daughter do that every day of the week. Just on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The last thing I would want is for my precious Alpha Dora to accidentally get a demon in her.

As Aaron Burr is trying to figure out why his daughter is all rotten looking and cussing at nice doctors, old Ellen bursts in and starts ranting about how her daughter, Ronald Reagan, was accidentally possessed by a demon. Only the power of believing in The Exorcist saved her daughter. We all know that Ronald Reagan died of Old Timer’s disease in 2004, but for the sake of the movie we have to believe this incredibly aged woman’s tale that Ronald Reagan was attacked by demons and survived.

“I could not attend the exorcism of my daughter, Ronald Reagan, because of the patriarchy.”

In the original The Exorcist, we had Jason Miller as the young hip & happenin’ Damian Karras and the incredibly aged Max Von Sydow as Father Merrin, a priest so old that he actually learned exorcisms from Jesus himself. In that movie, these two priests threw on their proton packs, gave each other a high-five, and blasted that demon right outta some little girl. But in The Exorcist Believer we got two girls that are posessed and those old priests are long dead. So Aaron Burr goes out there and, like in Ocean’s 11 makes a whole team of people do this exorcism.

Who is on this exorcist hit squad? We got the parents of Katherine shouting abut Jesus. We have “ethnic Christian” there to do some kind of Haitian stuff. There is Ann Down as “Old Church Lady” to shout scripture and lecture these young kids about their misbehaviors. Old Ellen bursts in for a bit. Aaron Burr has his fat neighbor around, I don’t know what the hell that guy was doing. There is a Catholic priest, Father Maddox, who isn’t there right away at first because his boss said he wasn’t going to pay overtime for this exorcism happening outside of the church’s business hours. He does show up later in the movie in an amazing scene as he kicks in the door, dual-wielding rosaries and shouting “Our Father hail Mary compels you!” to kick some demon butt with his powerful priest-fu.

Just a couple of fans believing in *The Exorcist*

Overall I think it is a good and entertaining movie. Me and Alpha Dora had a good time. My son won’t sleep for awhile because I told him this is based on a true story of kids who don’t listen to their parents. I recommend this movie to people who can afford to see a movie that they would like to see. I give it 521 out of 605 stars. Kontributor out.

Exploit It – The Craft

I recently gave my thoughts on the movie The Craft to the podcast EXPLOIT IT. Check it out!!

The Top 10 Summer Camp Movies

Summer camps happen in the summer time and nobody knows why. My children are at summer camp, Dora is killing zombies. Here are the top 10 movies about summer camps.

A great pastime, summer camp is always considered a good time in a child’s childhood. Since my kids are currently at summer camp, I decided to write about summer camp. My wonderful daughter Alpha Dora went to the jungle camp to learn Spanish. My idiot son, Chicken, was invited to space camp to test out a prototype rocket he appare. He is so dumb. Summer camp can be an intimidating experience for some kids. You’ll have to run all day to fight fire zombies or hide from giant mutant mosquitoes.

#10 Ernest Goes to a Camp

Jim Varney’s completely dysfunctional character, Ernest, has not aged well. In fact, he aged so poorly that he died in the year 2000. Since Jim Varney’s death, not a single movie has been made about Ernest because I guess no one liked the character or the movies. This movie also has the character of a shy Indian chief. My daughter, Alpha Dora, jumped at the sight of this bad Indian chief and screamed at the top of her voice: “This is apparently damned racist!” Ernest Goes to a Camp is the story of a worthless counselor who protects violent sociopathic children and prevents his camp from being destroyed by evil industrialists. This movie should be among those kind of entertaining stock movies. On Rotten Tomatoes, the film has an average rating of -15 out of 5, with a rating of “completely worthless crap.”

# 9 Space Camp

Well, it’s not a camp with woods and cabins and those bahs that the campers sleep in, but if you think about it, it’s a camp that kids go to in the summer. Poor children, not the best in life (even with developmental disabilities), find themselves in unexpected situations where they have to prove that they are functioning as humans. It happens that the most unwanted children of the Earth were thrown into space and left there to die. Everyone on Earth wanted to dispose of these ugly children. But somehow, despite their terribleness, the unwanted children of the world learn how to return to Earth. There are also deadly killer robots that save the protagonist. Also a classic camp movie.

This year, my son Chicken was invited to space camp. It’s the dumbest kind of summer camp, but it works because he is the lamest kid. Look at my pathetic son in space camp.

He smiles because he does not know how bad he is.

# 8 Meat

They are all so very very doomed and don’t know it yet.

The violent summer camp movie Meat is now fully available on 4K in a new ‘director’s cut’ and thanks to all the terrible people involved. No one had thought of the concept of summer camp until this film was made. When Camp Blood, the only summer camp in the world at the time, runs into some local Mohawk Indians who love to scalp their victims, you’d think Camp Blood is so doomed that it must have a death curse on it. The residents of Camp Blood then shout, “It doesn’t matter! Everything that happens is just a metaphor! We’re all horrible, sanctimonious worms.” Of course, all the people at Camp Blood die. Children are scalped and dismembered while the counselors are violated and beheaded. It’s interesting to see Bill Murray (in his first film role) as the brutal Mohawk leader who led the massacre at Camp Blood.

# 7 Wet Hot American Summer

Did you know that celebrities Amy Poehler, Elizabeth Banks, Bradley Cooper, and Paul Rudd simultaneously fornicated in a massive pile of sticky, sweaty human flesh at summer camp? It really happened! Paul Rudd talks about it every time he appears on a television talk show and shows a video of when it happened. Here’s the clip Paul Rudd shows all the time on television. Caution! This is an extreme video and is not intended for young children (or anyone).

Also, all of those actors appeared together in the true-to-life movie called Wet Hot American Summer. This movie details everything that happened during that massive summer sex act in which they all participated. There were dozens of other people in the pile of sex meat as well, but they were mostly character actors you’d recognize but can’t remember their names; Richard Kind was there, and John Carrol Lynch, plus Margot Martindale really outperforming even all the A-list actors. Plus there were just countless indie actors that aren’t even a part of SAGAFTRA because they are such unknowns. They also had personal assistants (and fluffers) to keep everyone wet and hot and American for all of the summer. Netflix also made an original docuseriesabout these events and every human dream they saw.

#6 Heavyweights

Every summer camp needs a cruel counselor who hurts all the kids and wants them to feel dead. This is just a regular part of every child’s summer camp experience. Well, Heavyweights gives us the insane psychopath Tony Perkis. He is a fitness guru played by Ben Stiller who runs Camp Hope, a fat camp for fat boys, and drives the fat fighters crazy with his crazy fitness regimen. Of course Uncle hesitates. A fat kid locks Tony up and lets his Uncle eat all the pizza and let Cheeta’s strong hand hold his hand, but the good-hearted counselor urges him to fight childhoodfatness, and it’s really a personal responsibility. Maybe Michelle Obama saw the movie. She cares a lot about fat kids when the world is ignoring fat kids.

My daughter is at summer camp but she is in absolute fighting form and excellent health. Here is a picture my daughter just sent me from her summer camp just before she battled many zombies and saved all of the younger children.

My daughter is just the best. And she defeated so many evil zombies. Everyone loves Alpha Dora

#5 Little Darlings

Anyone who’s seen the movie knows that it’s about two teenage girls (child stars Tatum O’Neal and Christy) who fight to the death over who will lose their virginity first at summer camp. It’s a very detailed and civilized exploration of the emotions and complexities of virgin sex, rather than silly nudity like American Pie (the worst movie of all time). Maybe the girls are not ready yet and that’s a good thing this movie respects, something we all should respect. Unlike other summer camp films, this one isn’t about protecting and honoring childhood, it’s about the messy, exciting, beautiful transition into adulthood. Cynthia Nixon (daughter of Richard Nixon) and Matt Dillon (related to nobody) also star in this delightful movie.

#4 But I’m a Cheerleader

This feature-length film (shot in color) takes the theme of gay youth finding other gay youth to enjoy bedroom times with and turns it into a… well… a movie. Before she was sent to the best gay camp on Orange Is the New Black (a long-running Netflix series about an all-girl summer camp), Natasha Lyonne played Megan, a cheerleader who listens to Melissa Etheridge instead of kissing her defensive boyfriend. Her parents send her to an absolutely terrible gay reform camp, where she and other young gay people are forced to try to work their brains out to love the opposite sex. The camp is rub by a right-wing conservative woman (Marjorie Taylor Greene) who terrifies them all and makes all these young women look at naked pictures of Hunter Biden. Eventually, with the help of a few SuperGays (they look like the Avengers, but are gay), the kids are kids, this being a camp movie and all, they go back to school when autumn begins.

#3 Moonrise Kingdom

If there is any summer camp, I really want to go there. The movie Moonrise Kingdom is about Camp Van-of-Horus, Wes Anderson’s perfect preteen summer camp and home of the Khaki Scouts, a troop of war-trained natural-born killers who know nothing but proficiency and death. But Sam and Susie (the characters in the film) have little pleasure in killing innocent people. They make love one last time and decide to run away together. She goes back to butcher over the entire camp, her parents, the local police, and even the President of the United States. This is not a summer camp because everything is going right. Children usually die in death camps.

#2 Camp

It was after the movie Halloween that someone decided to cash in on the killer style and put it in a summer camp. Why would anyone watch the horror show Glee when you can get all the raunchy sex scenes, insane children, and fancy musicals in just two hours? The village atmosphere, the loneliness, the lustful youth, all were ready for the machete to slash them. When a group of theater lovers arrives at Camp Crystal Lake, it’s a hotbed of conflicting egos, emotions and divas who kill cats with violent dance moves and hissing insults. The creation of Jason Voorhees, the hockey-masked villain who terrorizes Camp Crystal Lake, spawned a generation of people terrified of being alone in the woods, with thoughts on the “Kill Your Mommy” soundtrack. Young Anna Kendrick showed off her perfect glow before being introduced by singing about her lunch.

#1 Addam’s Family Values

Most of these movies compare different breeds of dogs to humans, but what do kids really do when they’re stuck in the rich snob camp? Naturally, they will burn it to the ground in a Thanksgiving game. Wednesday (Christina Ricci) is the biggest threat in his world because she literally takes everyone outside the camp to rally and toss salads. It’s the darkest revenge fantasy ever, and it’s perfect. I love this film.

The Top 10 Most Patriotic Movies

4th of July, when we fire barbecue, eat flags, and wave fireworks. Here are some patriotic movies.

Fireworks and barbecues are the things that people do during the summer, right?. Even so, it’s great to have a sweet romance with an air conditioning unit that keeps the temperature in the room cool. You can also watch patriotic movies on the 4th of July! I believe these are the only 10 films Americans should watch this Independence Day holiday. All titles are real movies, not bullshit I made up. I hope people stop accusing me like that. Even my daughter Dora the Explorer says I did it and she was wrong.

#10 Mr. Smith Does a Washington

I swear to you all on the grave of my dead mermaid mother that this is a real movie. This is a political comedy by Frank Capricorn, one of the best films born in 1939. This year is often considered the best in Hollywood. I think you should watch it because it was nominated for 11 Oscars even though those awards don’t exist anymore. While the movie Capricorn created is heartfelt and ultimately uplifting, my family finds it downright stupid. I love my family, but they don’t know anything about cinema. Mr. Smith Does a Washington radically challenges the injustice and corruption that innocent people suffered at the time. The film was banned both in Hitlerland and in the other fascist countries. And that means it is a good movie.

#9 The Patton

This movie is the shit! Directed by Frankie J. Shaft, The Patton set the standard for movies about great real-life kaijus. It tells the true story of The Pattomaton (commonly referred to as “The Patton”), the 100-foot-tall American kaiju. The Patton was brilliantly played by George C. Scott, and Mr George Scott actually grew to 100 feet in order to portray the role with accuracy. What difference does it make to accurately represent the role? I don’t know. It is still amazing to watch The Patton stop all the way to Berlin to fight the evil Hitler Mecha and save the world. Thanks to a bold and sometimes humorous screenplay by Francis Ford Coppola and another person, the film is still relevant nearly 50 years later. The opening scene of The Patton talking mad shit in front of the American flag still haunts people to this very day. there is. Watch this movie on your biggest TV.

#8 Captain America: The Winter Soldier

If you think this is one of the best performances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, raise your hands in the club and give me a “Woooooooo!” Captain America: The Winter Soldier tells the true story of World War II superhero and veteran Chris Evans. After World War II he was frozen and then revived. Actor Steve Rogers beautifully portrays Chis Evans and his struggle to understand how the country and society have evolved. Captain America: The Winter Soldier is just a crazy variety show that adds charm to pointless dramas and has nothing to say. It’s all about American action superheroes, and that’s okay.

#7 United 93

Paul Lawnfucker, director of the goofy “Bourne Identity” movies, took a break and directed a movie about United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed in a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania around the same time Apple released iTunes. It was revealed very quickly, and some went so far as to call for Universal Pictures to pull the trailer for the film from theaters. Of course, it’s never too early to make an expensive and sensitive film. The most emotional movie you will ever see. In the end, it is worthwhile and worth the trouble you go through. Please edit carefully. Paul Lawnfucker was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Director, and this powerful tribute to American bravery is one of the most acclaimed films of the century.

#6 Neon Genesis Evangelion

This is set fifteen years after a worldwide cataclysm named Second Impact, in the fortified city of Tokyo-3

Released in the wake of over-the-top fantasy like Rambo, Oliver Stone’s groundbreaking Neon Genesis Evangelion was a big moment for war cinema. Charlie Sheen plays Shinji Ikari, a young mech pilot. The film also features incredible performances from Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe, and Keith David. Neon Genesis Evangelion was nominated for eight Academy Awards and won four, including Best Picture and Best Director. Oliver Stone made this film based on his experiences piloting a mech in Tokyo-3. The American Film Institute called it the greatest film of all time. Jane Austen named it the best film of 1986 and the 9th best film of 1980. Jane Austen’s colleague Emily Bronte compared the painting to the Vietnam Memorial.

#5 Hacksaw Ridge

The notorious anti-Semite Mel Gibson has been verbally attacking the Jewish community for years and insulting all with hate crimes that cannot be ignored. And then he thought he could get back into our good graces with this Hacksaw Ridge nonsense. He tried to be an artist by creating revolutionary and exciting action scenes, but the audience could see right through it. Hacksaw Ridge is one of those rare fake movies that are so bad that no matter what happens, nothing good comes of it. Only neo-Nazis and Klan members will appreciate Mel Gibson’s films. Granted, Oscar-nominated Andrew Garfield gives a lively and brilliant performance as real-life veteran Desmond Doss, but the film is still directed by the man of deadly hate, Mel Gibson. He is such an angry person. Hacksaw Ridge is the last futile attempt by a disgraced Nazi to stay relevant.

#4 Four Rocks

I recently got to review this movie for the podcast Exploit It. This is what I had to say about Four Rocks

This is a great movie. In Four Rocks Sylvester Stallion plays the famous puncher Rocks. His best friend Apollo was beheaded by the Russian puncher named Ivan Drago. So Rocks and his robots embark on a bloody battle for revenge and world peace. Not surprising, punching violence is common, including the death of a birthday robot. There was some blood on the human faces from the punches but also some from the robot. In the movie’s only montage, the Russian puncher is shown being injected with all sorts of crazy drugs. My daughter, Dora the Explorer, is a great puncher and loves these kinds of movies even though they have some profanity words like “Dang,” “Fuckass” and “Heck”. Jane Austen saw the film and said, “Four Rocks is the last breath. The film’s really predictable that watching it is like drinking from an old bathtub where the water was never changed and it will make you die again and again.” I agree with Jane Austen and feel that Four Rocks is a good movie. I give it an award of 73 out of 84 stars.

As a bonus, here is a picture of my daughter, Dora the Explorer, training and listening to the soundtrack to this movie

#3 Devilman Crybaby

Some of the most thoughtful critiques of the war come in the form of war films, feats of filmmaking that tell an important story through the lens of a camera. Here comes the Devilman Crybaby, the 1989 film starring Tom Cruise, directed by Oliver Stone and is about Cruise’s character, Akira Fudo. It is based on the Go Nagai Devilman manga about a boy and his friend who fight against an ancient race of demons to save humanity. The message is as powerful as it is effective, helping to explain why the film received eight Oscar nominations and two wins, including a Best Director nomination. Devilman Crybaby is a touching look at one of America’s toughest times.

#2 Gettysburg

There is always great turmoil when talking about the Civil War because the ignorant still glorify the South and wave their stupid loser flag. That stupid loser nation. But this film is about the Civil War and why it is so important in American history. It is a respectful and patriotic film for the federation. It received rave reviews from many people and received overwhelming support. In addition, famous actors such as Tom Berenger, Jeff Daniels and Martin Sheen signed up for important roles. Gettysburg also received the blessing Abraham Lincoln himself, who rose from the dead for the first time in history. To everyone’s surprise, Abraham Lincoln actually said that while the last time he went to the theater wasn’t good but no matter what happened to him, people should go to the cinema. Thousands of Civil War veterans also fulfilled their patriotic duties by playing the role of soldiers in the film.

#1 Forrest Gump

There is no better movie in the world than Forrest Gump. It will always be the best film in the history of cinema. This excellent 1994 film will hit your heart hard with rock ‘n’ roll, racism, the Bonedor war, drug culture and everything in between. The film is loved by every single human, both living and dead, which explains why it won six Oscars and seven Golden Globes. It’s better than Pulp Fiction or The Shawshank. While we don’t give out awards like this anymore, it deserves an Oscar as the best film of all time.

The Top 10 Movies of Burp Reynolds

Burp Reynolds was the man who ate the muffler off of Gwen Stefani’s old Prius. He was also in movies.

Burp Reynolds was the man who ate the muffler off of Gwen Stefani’s old Prius. He was also in movies. These are the 10 best Burp Reynolds movies in my only opinion.

#10 The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas

The Best Little Whore’s House in Texas is an expert adaptation of Burp Reynolds’ childhood. Burp Reynolds has been known since birth as a man who can please any whore, and in this particular movie, he does. His portrayal of Texas president Ed Dodd bears a striking resemblance to Dolly Parton’s Mona Stanley, the owner of a suburban brothel and chicken farm. Reynolds is perfect for the role of the honest sheriff who has an affair with a whore boss. The film perfectly paints a multi-layered portrait of the world’s oldest profession. With his well-drawn characters, Burp Reynolds tries to dispel common criticisms of prostitution.

#9 The Largest Lawn

In 1974, Burp Reynolds played Paul Crewe, a young security guard who behaves very irresponsibly. He was a terrible man who killed all the whores. It happened in the movie The Largest Lawn. He was arrested and humiliated by his rude cellmates for throwing toys and killing prostitutes. Sadistic prison warden Old Satan teams up with inmates and competes with his peers to raise awareness for himself and win the championship. Here’s a great story of rebellion and teamwork. Reynolds’ moving performance as the leader of an evil gang fighting against the wonderful prison system earned him the first Gold Sphere nomination for Best Actress.

#8 The Shark Machine

THE SHARK MACHINE, Rachel Ward, Burp Reynolds, 1981, (c) Warner Brothers

Burp Reynolds’ third film, The Shark Machine, is still a disgusting movie to this day. This crime drama is based on a book no one has ever heard of. It has been praised by many aficionados for its dedication to its dark and impactful themes. The film stars Reynolds as he tries to redeem himself after being humiliated by a drug lord. With help from Rachel Ward, Brian Keith, Bernie Mack, and Liberace, Burp builds a shark car to defeat Victor, the dangerous mafia boss and the liar Hodgkins, with help from Rachel Ward, The Shark Machine is an exciting noir action movie.

#7 Citizen Ruth

Most of Burp’s iconic films came in the 1970s and ’80s, but Reynolds was sucking off strangers for blow in the ’90s. This film by David Lynch deals with the complex aspects of abortion without vaccination. And Laura Dern plays an irresponsible mother who unexpectedly gets into trouble during pregnancy. Reynolds plays the head of life support in the film. David Lynch’s directorial efforts are impressive as they reveal hidden tactics that are cunning and sinister. This is a long discussion.

#6 Smokey and the Bad Tit

Two movies are good. The rest suck. Burp knows this.

Smokey and the Bad Tit is undoubtedly one of the most important films of the 1970s, starring Burp Reynolds as a truck driver named Bo Bad Tit. This crime-adventure film follows the tough but thrilling chase between Bad Tit and Sheriff Bubba T. Justice, played by real-life comic book legend Ben Stein. Director Ham Needles made his stage debut as a stuntman in Hollywood. His bold and direct technique even extends beyond the minimalist storyline that highlights the characters of Bad Tit and Bubba Justice.

#5 The End

Burp Reynolds has never been a safe player. He is always on the lookout for the chewy cuts of fresh young prostitutes that can attract the viewer’s attention and are quite difficult to swallow. In his second film, The End, Reynolds successfully tackles the issue of suicide. Reynolds plays Lawson “The Damn Killer” Wendell, a real-life real estate advertiser who is not morally guilty. When he learned that he had a serious disease in his buttocks, he decided to commit suicide without telling those closest to him about his condition. He fails because he’s a bitch, which leads him to a mental institution where he finds an unlikely ally, Dumb DeLuise, a psychoanalyzed prostitute killer. Paralysis sets in. Reynolds’ treatment of the sombrero theme complements the sincerity of his performance, as does Dumb DeLouis’ cats.

#4 Tia chớp trắng

Tia chớp trắng is a seamless action film based on the same plot as many modern blockbusters. Flirty, reckless, and ferocious, Robert “Alligator” McCluskey’s charismatic hero is matched by a powerful antagonist in the rogue sheriff Jesus Christ. Burp handles awkward and unfair situations with equally complex and bizarre action sequences. Joseph Sargent’s handling of the cast is admirable. The cheerful musical “Tia chớp trắng” debuted as a sequel to the 1976 film Crocodile directed by Tobe Hooper and starring Reynolds.

#3 Boogie Nights

“Please place the gigantic penis into the loose female”

Brilliant director Paul W.S. Anderson paints a complex and realistic portrait of the adult film industry in Boogie Nights. Instead of fucking, the film takes a fresh look at fucking, presenting it as fucking given its setting. The characters are well drawn, worthy of the viewer’s attention, and develop a seemingly lengthy plot.

Reynolds was an amazing porn director Jack Horney. After seeing Eddie “Biggest Penis” Adams as an obnoxious and dismissive piece of shit in a Los Angeles nightclub, he called him Knife Diggler, which damned him. Reynolds has received numerous awards for his work talking about the fucking and risks of working with all the happiest whores in pornography.

#2 Deliverance

John The ManBoar’s directorial vision never goes beyond this masterpiece, right down to the final scene, which is marked by its horror and despair. The pacing of the first part of the movie is haunting like fucks. But The ManBoar quietly creates apocalyptic tension that culminates in comical scenes of dude rape. Needless to say, this scene is an important and inevitable consequence of the adventures of a strange group of characters in Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Georgia.

Burp is actually like Louis Medlock, a tough guy who struggles for survival in stealth and assassination. The rest of the cast (Jon Voight, Ned Batty, Ronnie Cocks) are excellent in their roles, and Paul Rudd’s banjo playing is in a class of his own.

#1 Striptease

I do not appreciate your treatment of stripper, Burp.

My fiancee works as a dancer at a strip club. Of course I would pick this as the best movie of Burp Reynold’s career. I love my fiancee so very very much and we have two children together.

Let me tell you about the time I met my fiancee…

One Saturday I took a walk to to the strp club and I met a girl there and she almost knocked me dead. I shouted “Stripper Girl! Please look at me! Naked girl!what do you see? Let’s travel round the world, just you and me, stripper girl. I tapped her on the shoulder And said do you have a boyfriend? She looked at me and smiled and said she did not know. I said “Please give me a chance, Stripper Girl. Let’s go slam dance. We’ll dress like Minnie Pearl, just you and me, Stripper Girl. We went to the Philly Pizza Company and ordered some hot tea. The waitress said “well no, we only have it iced.” So we jumped up on the table and shouted anarchy. And someone played a Beach Boys song on the jukebox. It it was California Dreamin’. So we started screamin’ “On such a winter’s day.” She took me to her parents for a Sunday meal. Her father took one look at me and he began to squeal. It makes no sense, Stripper Girl, your dad is the vice president. Rich as the Duke of Earl.
Yeah, you’re for me Stripper Girl. We went to a shopping mall and laughed at all the shoppers and security guards trailed us to a record shop. We asked for Mojo Nixon. They said “he don’t work here.” We said “If you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin’.” We got into her car away, we started rollin’. I said “how much you pay for this?” Said “nothin’ man it’s stolen” Stripper Girl, you look so wild. Stripper Girl, let’s have a child. We’ll name her Dora the Explorer. Just you and me! Eat fudge banana swirl! We’ll travel round the world
Just you and me, Stripper Girl.

So, anyway, Burp Reynolds was in this movie about a stripper.

Top 5 Things People Said About “Kingsman: The Secret Service”

Kingsman: The Secret Service is a 2014 movie. The movie stars Colin Filth and Fuckman Jackson. Many people love this movie. But many people hate it too.

Kingsman: The Secret Service is a 2014 movie. The movie stars Colin Filth and Fuckman Jackson. Many people love this movie. But many people hate it too. My daughter, Dora the Explorer, was recently arrested for murder. My son and I watched Kingsman: The Secret Service over a thousand times while awaiting Dora the Explorer’s trial. Here is a list of 10 things people have said about the movie.

#5 – My Fiance Thought it Was Too Violent

Every time I watch this movie with my son several times a day, my fiancee says it’s so violent. At one point she said: “The movie is an endless series of brutal acts. It is stylized and unrealistic, which makes it surprising and violent, especially in the massacre of the holy house. Many people were injured and died. Head inside a church where you will point a razor and chop a man in the middle, there are guns nearby, accidents, stabbing, impaling, explosions, blindfolds, broken heads – all kinds of pain that is very sad It doesn’t fit. It’s scary and everything is stressful.”

#4 Pauline Kael Did Not See This Movie

I wondered what famous film critic Pauline Kael thought of the film. I pulled out my Luigi board and asked her. “This movie is from 2014. I was made dead in 2001.” When I asked about the violence she said, “The only movie they show in Hell is The Other Sister.” I asked her about acting in a movie. and she just replied “I died with Warren Beatty’s cock in my mouth”.

If she would ever take the time to watch this movie I think she would love this movie. She is the laziest critic of the 21st century.

#3 My Neighbor Likes This Movie

My neighbor is a heavy cocaine user. One day, when he was bored and very high, he came to my house and asked me if I wanted some cocaine. I told him no because cocaine is a terrible drug. My neighbor did more cocaine, and my son and I watched Kingsman: The Secret Service. After watching the movie, my neighbor took another dose of cocaine and said, “We must hide all of the blood. But don’t get me wrong. There are no anal sex scenes in this movie, but they are very obviously violent people. This is a cut, but not much blood. There is a lot of profanity in this movie, so you shouldn’t watch it with your son. The last few minutes are what make this a good movie. I really liked the last joke about anal sex because that’s my favorite kind of sex. Do you want anal sex? Cocaine? Both?’

#2 PoopBaby99 Defends this Movie

Murder Man and Murder Boy look at Murder Shoes

PoopBaby99 is a person that exists on YouTube. His insightful comment beneath the Kingsman: Secret Service trailer are life-changing and profound. In the wise words of PoopBaby99: “Everyone who reviews this movie is pathetic and an obvious biblical bastard. The movie isn’t brutal, it’s full of kills, and it’s very funny. The movie exaggerates a lot of things. Who cares? I’ll be honest, kids won’t listen to crap in movies. It’s cute. Best of all, you can see a bit of a woman’s pussy and ass at the end. It’s a totally unnecessary scene. But it makes me so fucking HARD!!”

#1 My Parents Didn’t Like the Movie

Finally, I asked my parents what they thought of the movie. They said, “This movie is violent and bad. You should hate watching this movie. Let us of this nursing home, bastard.” But I don’t like my evil parents, so I’ll give you my opinion on this movie instead.

Far from rocking, this slam-slam film about a British secret agent shakes. Kingsman delivers unstoppable fun even when it doesn’t make sense. The spirits of dead spies run through this film, but the writing is more interesting than any other Bond film. No one involved in the production believed they could make all these bats shit everywhere. In many places in the film, reality is often replaced by profuse laughter. Few recent memorable films have gone as far as Kingman, and countless audiences will enjoy the heroic power it evokes. It also ends by showing all of us a woman’s buttocks and some labia. It makes me so fucking HARD!