Ghosts – These Are Media Things

Top 15 Episodes of Tales From the Crypt

“Tales From the Crypt” is a prehistoric TV show from a time when cavemen roamed the earth and lived with dinosaurs. The host of this show was an actual corpse brought back to life using the magic of an ancient curse. This corpse tells false cautionary tales to guide the uneducated masses to make the right moral decisions. The corpse was named “Aesop.” Here are the Top 15 Fables of Ancient Lore presented by the dead Aesop.

#15 – Carrion Death (Season 3, Episode 2)

The most brutal episode of Tales from the Crypt is “Carrion’s Death” from season three. Kyle MacLachlan plays Earl Raymond Diggs, a fugitive who is pursued through the Arizona desert by a police. Diggs kills the cop (because Fuck da Police!), but both cars are destroyed by an angry God, and they are handcuffed together, with the only key thrown away. While this is set up for a hot gay porn scene, the vultures chasing them will make sure that this gay action doesn’t happen.

“Carrion Death” is neither funny nor sexy. My fiancée often watches really hot porn videos where guys are handcuffed together (of course we don’t let the kids watch them). This episode isn’t like two guys handcuffed together in the desert having wild sex to pass the time by sucking each other’s cocks.

Kyle McLachlan’s performance becomes increasingly frustrating as Diggs quickly tires out, both physically and existentially. He never gets to suck the handcuffed guy’s cock – the desert drives him insane. Likewise, the violence on screen isn’t vicious or exaggerated, but it’s not sexy at all. For those who think Tales from the Crypt is a horror-comedy show about hot sex, “Death by Corruption” is a grim reminder that the show can be deadly serious.

#14 – Dead Right (Season 2, Episode 1)

“Oh yeah, baby, gimme some of that Substance”

Bitches always think about taking a brother’s money. These money-obsessed hos don’t really care about men. All they want is some money to put in their money holes. That’s why I love my fiancée. She never wanted my money because I don’t have any. I’m unemployed and she is a stripper. She makes money by showing off her sexy body and rubbing it against rich men that pay her, but all her love is for me and we have two children. But she’s rare. Most women (on Earth at least) are like the money-worshipping slut played by Demi Moore in this episode – always chasing men for their money.

In this episode, Demi Moore marries a hideous guy, played by Jeffrey Tambor, because she thinks she can get some money out of it. “Tales from the Crypt” always warns people to be careful of this type of woman and always makes society aware of the fate of these women. Not only do they have to have sexual relations with men who look like a bowl of old chef Boyardee Beefaroni left on the kitchen counter for a week, these women also become dead. Money-grubbing bitches not only fit a gross old wonton-shaped penis into their body, but they also die.

#13 – The Man Who Was Death (Season 1, Episode 1)

The very first episode of “Tales From the Crypt” is perhaps the most relevant to the current times that we are living in. While this story was told by the Dead Aesop in 500 BCE, it might as well be talking about what’s going on right now in 2025.

William Sadler plays Niles Talbot, just your normal working-class guy. He holds down a blue-collar government job as an executioner. Most likely a conservative who probably thought he cared about his country when he voted against its best interests. I mean, Trump said that he really cared about the working class, and Niles Talbot was just dumb enough to believe that. But unfortunately for this hardworking, blue-collar man, DOGE comes in and starts eliminating government employees and poor Niles Talbot here ends up without a job.

But he still has a sense of justice, still believes in the death penalty and starts freelancing. Sure, he believes criminals should get what they deserve, but he voted for a criminal. Sure, he voted for an administration that promised to fight hard against sex trafficking, and then this guy has to witness, in horror, as the Trump administration so gleefully lets in a notorious sex trafficker like Andrew Tate. Is it no wonder then, that Niles Talbot here will turn to murder?

And in the end, he’s executed as well. You got what you voted for is the lesson to be gleaned here.

#12 – Abra Cadaver (Season 3, Episode 4)

In 1982, The Steve Miller Band based their hit song “Abra Cadaver” on this classic sibling rivalry legend. The episode stars Boo Bridges (“The Lesser” from The Bridges Clan) and Tony Goldwyn as the bickering Fairbanks brothers. Carl (played by Tony Goldwyn) plays a cruel joke on Martin (played by Boo The Lesser), whose medical career is stalled by the loss of his hands. Years later, Martin uses his medical research into the brain to get revenge. Martin uses Carl as a lab rat, leaving his brother fully conscious but unable to move because he has done something evil and deviant.

It’s always nice to reflect on the lyrics to the Steve Miller Band’s classic song:

“Abra Abra Cadaver
I wanna reach out and grab ya
And inject you with a mysterious liquid
You will be paralyzed but still conscious
I will do a fake autopsy on you
But you will be dead
Abra Cadaver”

Indeed, one of the best.

#11 – The Ventriloquist’s Dummy (Season 2, Episode 10)

All dolls are fucking creepy, especially talking ones. My daughter, Dora the Explorer, has an unknown number of creepy dolls that talk to her and promise to kill her enemies. Often, they keep their promises. This is so common throughout history that it is featured in the show’s second season episode, “The Ventriloquist Dummy.”

The episode follows Billy Goldman (Bobcat Goldthwaite), a shy comedian and ventriloquist. Billy meets a friend, retired ventriloquist and J-pop idol, Mr. Ingalls (Don Rickles), who asks for his help to improve his act and learn the secrets of creepy doll talking. When they meet in person, Billy learns the dark secret behind Ingalls’ success in the cutthroat world of J-pop idols. And the real origin of his creepy talking doll, Morty. This is human nature. Now you know about scary dolls.

Starring two big-name comedians, Rickles and Goldthwaite, “The Ventriloquist Dummy” is the show’s main attraction. Rickles, in particular, is clearly having fun in the role, playing up his established J-pop idol fame with a laid-back tone. “The Ventriloquist Dummy” is an episode that will make you smile. It’s the best shit Richard Donner ever did. Better than that The Goonies crap.

#10 – What’s Cookin’ (Season 4, Episode 6)

Eating people is always dangerous but can be rewarding. In this episode, Christopher Reeves (the Dead Superman) plays Fred, the world’s most successful squid chef. Fred loves his squid and he makes all kinds of inspired and amazing squid delicacies. But then along comes Bender from The Breakfast Club to say “Hey, why don’t you start cooking up people too?” Nobody asked you, Bender! It was a banner fucking year at the ol squid restaurant, but Bender thinks they should start cooking up some long pig because human beings are the squid of the land.

“What’s Cookin'” gives us the opportunity to see Dead Superman eat some food, and that is good. And Meat, frontman from the band Meat And The Loafs, shows up to be some food. So it’s a lot of fun. My children laughed and laughed all through this episode. Good times had by all.

#9 – Top Billing (Season 3, Episode 5)

“Top Billing” is a good episode because it has this man, John Astin, who is the father of Samwise Gamgee. John Astin was also an actor and did some show in the 60s, I can’t remember what. Also, did you know that Samwise Gamgee’s mother was a woman named Patty Duke? She also did television in the 60s and was in a show that had some other-worldly name unpronounceable by human speech so historians only refer to it as “The Patty Duke Show.”

This episode has that guy who played Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live,” (can’t remember his real name. Adam Sandler? Phil Hartman?). Anyway, the guy that played Jon Lovitz on “Saturday Night Live” is an actor that wants to play Hamlet and Samwise Gamgee’s dad lets him but there is a twist. Because of course. “Tales from the Crypt” always did the twisty shit and here it is good.

# 8 – Death of Some Salesman (Season 5, Episode 1)

All of these actors were also in *Muppet Treasure Island*

Not every episode of “Tales From the Crypt” was a darkly comic horror fable from the Dead Aesop. Sometimes the show would adapt famous works of literature as well. This Season 5 episode, “Death of Some Salesman,” is based on the 1949 play of the same title by Arthur Miller. It shows that the people who made “Tales From the Crypt” were also cultured people.

In this story, Willy Loman (Tim Curry), is a down on his luck salesman living in Brooklyn, New York. His wife Linda (also Tim Curry), suggests that he try to find a new position where he doesn’t have to travel. He barely gets along with his kids Biff Loman (also played by Tim Curry) and Happy Loman (again, also played by Tim Curry). By the end, this unhappy salesman accepts the reality that his life fucking sucks and he should just die. Should have married a stripper, my man.

#7 – Split Second (Season 3, Episode 11)

This episode has the legendary giant Brion James (that guy who played Salvador Dali in The Pterodactyl Women of Beverly Hills) as a lumberjack named Steve who has no chill. He marries a pretty lady, Liz (Michelle Johnson) and is way too jealous and possessive of her. If this girl is even in the same room as another man, Steve goes into a Hulk rage and screams: “Do not ever think of inserting yourself into the vagina of my wife!” and rips off heads.

This fable gives us the lesson of how important it is to trust your spouse, which is very important. My fiancee is a stripper and I trust her totally, I know that she is not letting random men insert themselves into her vagina. I do not Hulk rage and hurt others out of jealousy. Okay, the woman in this episode actually IS inviting other men into her vagina, but that’s not my point. Steve the Lumberjack should have trusted his wife. And because of that distrust he gets chopped up into little bits. Do you want to be chopped up into little bits? No? Then you should trust your spouse. That is the lesson that Dead Aesop gives us here.

#6 – The New Arrival (Season 4, Episode 7)

“Better go into the fucking light, Carol Ann, because this is what happens to little girls that don’t.”

Ah yeah, “The New Arrival” which gives us the legendary actor David Warner (you know, that dude from that episode of Star Trek The Next Generation that was all “there’s five lights, motherfucker!”) along with Zelda Rubenstein (princess of Hyrule, bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom). In this very entertaining tale, Mr. Five Lights plays Dr. Goatse, a talking doctor of kids. He goes to visit the castle of Princess Zelda to help her unruly child and is in for quite a surprise.

My daughter, Dora the Explorerer, was very motivated about this episode and on the edge of her little seat because she thought for sure that this would end up being about a creepy doll. Unfortunately it turns out that the unruly child is just another stupid fuck dead body. Dora the Explorer raged and punched the TV. But I liked the episode.

#5 – Forever Ambergris (Season 5, Episode 3)

“Forever Ambergris” is a tale about two men of the sea who go out on their boat and harvest ambergris, a whale product used to manufacture perfumes. It is a dramatic tale of their adventures on the high seas and their pursuit of fortune as they harvest ambergris, bonding and becoming lifelong friends.

Wait, no, that would be a story that would fit with a title like “Forever Ambergris.” What is this war photography bullshit here? Steve Buscemi and a dude from The Who are out in jungles taking pictures of wars and gettin’ diseases. Where’s the ambergris? Where’s the whales vomiting up that gold? What even is?

#4 – And All Through the House (Season 1, Episode 2)

The harshest lesson any of us learn as children is that Santa Claus does not exist. Realizing how badly you have allowed yourself to be lied to and accept this absolute unreality can be devastating. When I learned that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, I stayed locked in my room for days, crying. My children have yet to learn that lesson and I dread the day when they do.

In this fable, “And All Through the House,” Dead Aesop does not dare shy away from the brutality of learning that Santa does not exist. There is murder and bloodshed and Dr. Giggles just being totally insane. I am considering showing this episode to my own children when the time arrives to inform them that there is no Santa Claus. Perhaps the utter horror of this episode will help temper their own rage as they discover the reality of the world.

#3 – Television Terror (Season 2, Episode 16)

Morton Downey Jr. was a real piece of shit. Did you know that? He would say racist things when he was on TV. He got sued once by a woman because he said that strippers were “sluts” and had all kinds of diseases. I get VERY angry hearing about that because my fiancee is a stripper and she is a clean and decent woman and a wonderful mother to our children. I heard that the stripper sued him for a lot of money and won. Good for her. Morton Downey Jr. also attacked gay people, he got in fights and punched people and reporters. What a vile, terrible man.

“Tales From the Crypt” decided once to show footage of that time Morton Downey Jr. went into a haunted house. He didn’t do anything different. He was the same shitty man just inside of a shitty haunted house. It is a very rewarding episode, watching that man in pain. Ghosts are trying to hurt him and he’s like “No, please don’t kill me,” but you watch and smile, saying “Fuck that man.” Morton Downey Jr. was a garbage human, I’m all for the ghosts.

#2 – Yellow (Season 3, Episode 14)

“Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. And everything you do. Yeah, they were all yellow.”

Based upon the Coldplay song of the same name, “Yellow” is a story about war and just how shitty it is. Not as shitty as Morton Downey Jr, but still pretty goshdarn awful. And we got Douglases Douglasing all over the place here. Kirk Douglas is here as a World War I general and he’s got his son Eric Douglas playing his son. Michel Douglas is just off camera fapping to Sharon Stone on the set of Basic Instinct and souting back: “You tell him, Dad, you let my brother know what’s up!”

The moral that Dead Aesop delivers to the audience here is that you should always hold yourself accountable, even if you are a chicken’s shit. Did you run away from a battle and pee your pants while all your friends died? Admit it. Because if you aren’t honest and admit what a total fucking coward you are to the world, then your Dad will shoot you in the head.

#1 – Cutting Cards

Gambling Addiction is a very serious problem that affects 2.5 million people each year, according to the National Council on Problem Gambling. In “Cutting Cards” we get a story that truly shows us the horror of such an addiction and what it can lead to. This a very special episode of “Tales From the Crypt” that deals with a very real issue affecting people every day. Whether it is your brother that just discovered the thrill of lottery scratchers or your grandmother that spends all of her retirement sitting in front of a video poker machine in Reno, gambling addiction is a crippling disorder that knows no prejudice. Perhaps you too have spent too much money on FanDuel and have put your family’s livelihood at risk?

Gambling should never be seen as a way to make money or solve financial problems. It is a form of entertainment that carries a risk of losing money. You should only gamble with funds that you can afford to lose. If you find yourself unable to stick to limits, or if gambling starts to interfere with your daily life, relationships, or well-being, these are warning signs of a gambling problem. If you or someone you know is struggling with gambling addiction, it is crucial to seek help immediately. You can seek help or information by contacting the National Council on Problem gaming at 1-800-522-4700 or the helpline 1-800-GAMBLER.

Review – “The Exorcist Believer”

Hello, it is me Kontributor with a review for a new movie called The Exorcist Believer. It is a sequel to the 1973 movie The Exorcist and it is the only sequel there is. That movie came out 50 years ago and since it was so long ago people began to believe that it didn’t actually exist. So the Blumhouse people decided to remind people that we should still believe in that movie by making a whole thing about The Exorcist Believer. I took my family to see this movie and, yes, we now believe that The Exorcist existed.

Will this child believe in *The Exorcist*? Keep reading to find out.

The movie has Aaron Burr being a single father raising his 13-year-old daughter, Angela. I know it’s been a struggle for Aaron Burr ever since he shot Alexander Hamilton dead in 1804 – but he’s come a long way and is acting in movies now. In this movie, his daughter Angela runs off with her BFF Katherine to summon ghosts in an open grave and they accidentally become possessed by demons. Aaron Burr has to team up with this other family, like 3 different priests, his fat neighbor, and an old church lady to do this all-out, no holds barred, tag-team cage match, multicultural exorcism.

Aaron Burr and this old lady believe in *The Exorcist*

I have a young daughter, Alpha Dora, and this movie did make me rethink how I am raising her. I’ve been so stupidly letting my daughter run around in cemeteries with her friends where they take off their shoes, do battle with crypt snakes, and talk to the dead. Now that I am a believer in the 1973 film The Exorcist, I know not to let my daughter do that every day of the week. Just on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The last thing I would want is for my precious Alpha Dora to accidentally get a demon in her.

As Aaron Burr is trying to figure out why his daughter is all rotten looking and cussing at nice doctors, old Ellen bursts in and starts ranting about how her daughter, Ronald Reagan, was accidentally possessed by a demon. Only the power of believing in The Exorcist saved her daughter. We all know that Ronald Reagan died of Old Timer’s disease in 2004, but for the sake of the movie we have to believe this incredibly aged woman’s tale that Ronald Reagan was attacked by demons and survived.

“I could not attend the exorcism of my daughter, Ronald Reagan, because of the patriarchy.”

In the original The Exorcist, we had Jason Miller as the young hip & happenin’ Damian Karras and the incredibly aged Max Von Sydow as Father Merrin, a priest so old that he actually learned exorcisms from Jesus himself. In that movie, these two priests threw on their proton packs, gave each other a high-five, and blasted that demon right outta some little girl. But in The Exorcist Believer we got two girls that are posessed and those old priests are long dead. So Aaron Burr goes out there and, like in Ocean’s 11 makes a whole team of people do this exorcism.

Who is on this exorcist hit squad? We got the parents of Katherine shouting abut Jesus. We have “ethnic Christian” there to do some kind of Haitian stuff. There is Ann Down as “Old Church Lady” to shout scripture and lecture these young kids about their misbehaviors. Old Ellen bursts in for a bit. Aaron Burr has his fat neighbor around, I don’t know what the hell that guy was doing. There is a Catholic priest, Father Maddox, who isn’t there right away at first because his boss said he wasn’t going to pay overtime for this exorcism happening outside of the church’s business hours. He does show up later in the movie in an amazing scene as he kicks in the door, dual-wielding rosaries and shouting “Our Father hail Mary compels you!” to kick some demon butt with his powerful priest-fu.

Just a couple of fans believing in *The Exorcist*

Overall I think it is a good and entertaining movie. Me and Alpha Dora had a good time. My son won’t sleep for awhile because I told him this is based on a true story of kids who don’t listen to their parents. I recommend this movie to people who can afford to see a movie that they would like to see. I give it 521 out of 605 stars. Kontributor out.

The Top 10 Stephen King Movies

I love my son. His name is Kentuckyfriedchicken.com and he is 4 years old.

Iconic horror man Stephen King has adapted his work into more than 40 films. This excludes TV shows and miniseries. The new adaptation of Salem’s Lot shows no signs of slowing down, the film version of Mr. Salem. It is about the dead.

With so many movies to choose from, what’s the best Stephen King adaptation? I’ve whittled down this huge catalog to 10 movies. These are genuine films.

#10 The Dead Zone

In The Dead Zone, Christopher Walken plays Johnny Smith, a small-time oil worker injured in a car accident who wakes from a fifty-year coma to find himself passed out. Plus, with just one tap,he can HIT THE FUTURE. Less whimsical and violent than many horror films of Cronenberg’s era, The Dead Zoneis a dark and unsettling film that makes good use of Walken’s presence and authority as an actor.

I like this movie because Christopher Walken seems like such a nice guy. I want to hug him and say, “Thank you so much for killing this politician!” Then we can have a drink together at the strip club where my girlfriend works. Christopher Walken will look at all the girls around and said, “Wowza! Monkeys and tits everywhere! Hit the future again, lady!”

#9 The Mist

The Mist is based on a short story by King in the 1985 series Skull Crew. Clearly a monster movie, The Mist finds people trapped in a remote grocery store as a strange fog blankets the area and terrifying dinosaurs start appearing. But at the heart is survival, and some will continue to ensure survival.

I like this movie because of the ending. The father killed them all, including the son. I can’t because I love my son. His name is Kentuckyfriedchicken.com and he is 4 years old. Tom Jane’s son in the movie is named Billy, which is a stupid name. The reason he shot the kid was probably because his name was Billy. Kentukyfriedchicken.com is a great name for a little boy.

#8 Creepyshow

Horror legends Stephen King and George Romero teamed up in the 1982 comedy Creepyshow. That anthology legacy is reflected in Creepyshow‘s practice, reflecting its youthful B-movie nature. Another feature of the film is the inclusion ofThe King’s original material. Two of the five tales are based on his short stories, but the other three are creepish. These vignettes are neatly combined with animation sequences and a story from The King’s Son Arbys.com.

My favorite part of the movie is the scene where Stephen King turns into a grass man. Why does he turn into grass? Why! The thought of it turning into a weed really scares me. As a child, I used to play in the grass with green spots on my hands. I thought I was going to turn into grass. I wanted to kill myself with a gun until my mom said, “Kontributor! Stop playing with guns or I won’t be coming back.” Still, I was worried.

#7 The Green Mile

Kafi says: “Use Door Dash to have Taco Bell Nacho Fries delivered straight to your house.”

The Green Mile is a piece of period primarily set in prisons, focusing on wrongly convicted criminals. In this case, the prison is Cold Mountain Prison during the Big Sad, and the criminal is John kafi (played by Michael Clarke Duncan). Prison guard Tom Hanks is in charge of guarding the death row inmates. Every time he urinates, he feels excruciating pain. Because Tom Hanks has a huge bladder and a very small urethra. He was drawn to Kafi’s gentle nature and apparently supernatural healing powers, causing great emotional turmoil as he debated whether to allow the execution of such a brilliant and seemingly innocent man. The Green Mile is one of King’s most moving films.

I don’t like the scene where the mouse dies. I really like mice. They are very smart and have superpowers. One day the mice will develop an army of killer robots and take over the world, so during the mouse rebellion, be kind to the mice and don’t let them kill you. The guy who killed the mouse in the movie deserved to die. He did die.

#6 Stand By Me

Search for the body of a local teenager this year.

Stand By Me stars Richard Dreyfuss and contemporary actors Willard Wheat, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman and Jerry O’Connell. In their small town, they battle ruthless criminals and get to touch each other’s faces along the way. They look through a glory hole and see a dead body. This is another King movie whose deceptively simple style stems from the show’s strength. Cardi B said it was her favorite movie because of the scene where a leech eats a penis, it makes it into a man-WAP.

Remember when fat boy vomited? It is the purification of the whole body. Vomits are everywhere. I threw up seeing this scene. My mother vomited on the cat and the cat vomited on a mouse. So the mice all over the world hate us.

#5 It – Chapter One

This is a very effective horror film. Filled with fear, you lead a group of brave high school students as they battle a terrifying, inhuman assassin who lurks beneath the picturesque streets of Maine. Scary Horror and Bill Scarkeeper with a terrifying performance as the dancing clown Pennywise.

The first chapter is as good as it is scary. That’s because it does something that horror films rarely do. It keeps viewers interested in the characters without seeing them naked. They do this by making the characters young so you don’t want to see them naked. Half of the protagonist’s story when we were kids was like in a book. This is the more targeted part.

None of the sex in the book is filmed. There is a scene in the book where the bully and another boy touch each other’s genitals. After all the young heroes had killed him, they had a huge orgy. If all the sex is in the movie, it’s certainly not a good movie.

#4 Curry

The main character, Curry, is a stereotypical clumsy teenager who suffers from bullying at school and her cruel, elderly mother at home. She also displays his devastating psychokinetic abilities when angry, so you can imagine what would happen if Curry fell victim to the cruelty of dance. Curry was praised for the terrifying qualities and honest exploration of a deeply troubled character in what is still considered one of Stephen King’s most traditional horror films.

When I first saw the movie, I thought Curry was going to bleed to death from her vagina. I didn’t know why this was happening to her. Later I found out that this happens to all girls and they bleed for days. This is the biggest mystery in the world. No one knows why the girls ended up in this situation. Why do women do it so often? Girls are so funny.

#3 Misery

Like many stories about kings, Misery is a troubled writer. As its protagonist, James Caan, is Paul Sheldon from Rome, who was killed in a car accident by the name of Anne Weir Kex. The nurse saved the man. A loyal fan of Sheldon seized a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. She locked Sheldon in his room and forced him to write a new book to save his most famous character, Missouri Chastainman. It was a great idea like when Hang Chicken created a certain tension like when Sheldon Bates struggled to comfort his beggar and find ways to get out of her arms. Bates won Best for playing Weir Kex, one of the scariest villains ever.

My favorite movie line is when Kathy Bates says, “Wow, they said it was a series. I’m not stupid. But, my favorite is Rocketman. Come in. A car hits on a mountain road. Then he closed the door, opened the curtains, got up, and tried to vote. But before he could escape, the car fell off the cliff! The car crashed. Burnt, I was happy and excited. Believe me, I will be next in line one week. They are supposed to start next weekend and the Rocketman will try to get out. But there is another cliff before the car falls off the cliff and he just jumps off it, all the kids are happy! But I am not happy I am right away getting up and I start with the screaming. It wasn’t like this last week! Are you all crazy? We just got it wrong! It’s not right! Parrots won’t get out of the car!”

#2 Shine

Based on King’s acclaimed novel, Stanley Kubrick’s Shine is about a baby named Jack Jack (Jack Nicholson) and his dark, insane journey to the dark side journey of life. Restless spirits are trapped within the overlooking walls. The only thing standing in the way of the hotel is Jack’s youngest son, Double Dealing Danny D Da Doppelgänger, who deals with the hotel’s wants and fears. Also turning up is Poopman Crothers as a psychic talking about the hotel’s supernatural presence.

Shine is a great film with groundbreaking cinematography. (especially the chase shot of Danny on his triple-wheel motorcycle) and the use of impossible models to create a simple but realistic look. The gloss is very good.

When I showed this movie to my daughter, Dora the Explorer, she thought the twins were so cute. She wanted to be their friend. Dora the Explorer loves to play with them. She was very disappointed that Double Dealing Downtown Danny D Da Doppelgänger didn’t show up to play with the twins. They can all have fun.

#1 The Shawshank Redepmtion

The film is adapted from the short story “The Shawshank Redemption” by Rita Hayworth. This movie has Tim’s character. Tim plays Sad Andy, a banker convicted of murdering his wife and her lover because of a cursed amulet. Red, played by Morgan Freeman, will spend the rest of his life inside the icy walls of Shawshank Prison. This badass is a talented and world-class smuggler.

Shawshank often disappears without a trace. But in the end, the film tells the uplifting story of a man who never lost hope in the darkest of circumstances. Tim plays the secondary hero, but Freeman always steals the show with his signature speeches.

I love the part where Andy plays the opera. Morgan Freeman continued the monologue: “I don’t know what these two Italian girls are singing. I don’t want to know the truth, so I don’t think I should say anything. They sing beautifully. I like that voice. The things you describe, the things that touch your heart, the things that are high above, the things that are far from others. The gray dreams are like some people. A beautiful bird flew into a hole. There’s a crack in the wall. Put your thing in the hole. Do this for the glory. Soon, everyone in Shawshank will be free.”

The Top 10 Worst Years in History

It’s called “The Big Sad” for a reason.

[Joe, make sure that you type text here to introduce your list. I’ll be home early from work tonight and make dinner for you and the kids. I love you!]

#10 1347

That was the time when the Black Death swept the world. terrible. Bodies piled up in the streets and people thought only of death.

But most embarrassingly, a giant skeleton named “Bonedor” stomped across Europe. He was 250 meters tall and said things like “Follow me” and “Go.” He had magical powers and cast the evil bubonics at everyone. Over 60% of Europeans died from Bonedor’s miraculous bubonics.

1347 was also a bad year for America because it didn’t exist yet.

#9 1929

Unless you don’t know what it’s like to be on the streets with your family and friends, with no money, cold, hunger, anemia, pneumonia, and many other diseases, without a chance to see anyone’s face. You have no right to say any year. In modern history, it’s worse than 1929, if you’re willing to pay at least a few extra years. It’s called “The Big Sad” for a reason. The Big Sad made people miserable. I can’t imagine how people today would deal with this disaster. We were very close in 2008. Thankfully people have no idea how much untold suffering humanity has suffered in the past year.

#8 2001

ITunes was launched on January 9, 2001. NEVER FORGET!

Back then, I was a young Kontributor. I have to say that the year before was really fun. We were all kicking ass and wrecking vaginas. My family and I went to Hawaii for vacation. I had sex with ten people on the streets of Rio de Janeiro during Carnival, and I got all sorts of diseases from it. My dad invented the car. I was enjoying my life until iTunes took over.

When iTunes was released, everything in life was ruined. My grandmother was involved in things like Napster. She survived but was terrified almost to death. The son of a whore named Henry Ford stole my father’s car patent. My German Shepherd attacked a kindergarten class. My brother and his friend and my dad’s secret girlfriend all went to jail after poisoning a homeless man. My mad dog betrayed me by attacking the children’s kindergarten. I spent Halloween alone. None of my friends wanted to hang out with me. Mom yelled all Thanksgiving because iTunes wouldn’t allow anyone to download Turkey Dinner. We didn’t eat much on Thanksgiving. At Christmas, my grandmother fell down the stairs while listening to her iPod. 2001 passed, and my life was ruined.

#7 536

I’m disappointed with the recent White Lotus incident. But scientists and historians show that 536 AD was the worst year ever. A volcanic eruption in Iceland blocked the sun for a year and a half, causing famine. The Yersinia plague was also there, and made it worse, which is part of why historians think it was the worst.

This was also the first year the Illuminati met to sing songs and praise Bonedor The Terrible. Pope Silverius was excommunicated from the papacy for summoning Bonedor the Terrible to obtain victory in the Great Gothic War. Bonedor the Terrible killed Theodahad, king of the Ostrogoths, and all his soldiers. For this heinous crime, Pope Silverius was banished to a secret island where he starved to death.

#6 2014

This is not my Dora! Who the fuck are these children of Bonedor?!

Where do I start? Ebola, Flight 370, Anaconda, Time cancellation, Death of Robin Williams, the beginning of the Bone Wars, Sonic the Hedgehog: Rise of Yiff, Taylor Swift’s war against Northern Agression, More Wars, Dora and her HORRIBLE friends debuted on Nickelodeon, Joe Cocker was going around kicking these dogs, no Alf on tv, someone tied up the president and ate that paper, the final Ramone bit the dust, five armies, bastards, frozen results, Uncle Grandpa is still on the air, and Modern Family sucks dicks for another Grammy.

This was easily the worst year of my life. Possibly many more years. The ISIS attack began, Dora and her friends made their television debut, and many celebrities were killed. The music sucked and the games were boring, except for naked girls soccer! Personally, I was bullied at work, my boss was terrible, and to make matters worse I lived in a two-story construction site because my house had an extension, and my grandma fell down the stairs again at the end of December! Falling down while listening to her iPod again! Looking back, it was a year of ups and downs.

#5 2017

2017 was the worst year of my life. That’s why.

My dog died.
I had to change the car’s oil once, but I forgot to change the car’s oil.
Too many boxes.
Many famous people died, such as Dan Rickles.
Somewhere a storm was blowing.
My sister broke her knee in a fight with Bonedor.
The cat had surgery.
Something bad was happening.
My younger brother lost both feet.
My family fought against Bonedor.
Emoji Movie
Donald Trump was not a kind president.
My grandmother heard the sound of her iPod and fell down the stairs.
Many bus drivers were late.
My girlfriend had typhus for a while.
I’m so glad 2017 is over! I never want to be hurt like that again.

#4 1914

There is no last year and the year before this year. Just because they’re bad for pop culture and education (very bad for them) doesn’t necessarily mean this year is a bad one. This defeats the purpose of the entire list. On the other hand, 1914… well, World War I started. That was a war that cost 72 billion lives! It’s not doing humanity any favors other than a special League of Gentlemen.

Imagine one of the Austrian elite being shot and forced to go to war in Europe. Imagine living a miserable (possibly short) life, only to be tricked into thinking it was a good thing. You’ll live in a muddy and disease-ridden trench filled with the droppings of thousands of rats until you’re shot, gassed, bombed, or killed from disease, exhaustion, or malnutrition. If you somehow survive the war, you will return home mentally unstable for the rest of your life, with no hope (but maybe not) of a normal, dignified future.

There were also flu patients this year.

#3 65,000,000 BC

A comet collided with Earth, blasting jets from the atmosphere, triggering the most powerful earthquake and largest tsunami in history, and the planet is quickly engulfed in fire and acid rain.

It also destroyed much of the ozone layer, causing ultraviolet rays to blanket the planet and giving cancer to all the dinosaurs. At the moment of impact, a giant volcano erupted on the other side of the planet, poisoning the planet. The war broke free from the onslaught, enveloped the entire planet, blocked all sunlight, and plunged the world into complete darkness. It then cooled below freezing, causing atomic winter to wipe out many life forms, including plants and dinosaurs.

Frankly, this period is the second worst year in non-human history, after 252,000,000 BC, the extinction of all life. These two are probably a million times worse than 1939 (the beginning of The Bonedor War) and 1347 (Plague Sex).

#2 1350

In 1350, 99% of the world’s population was fucking. Let’s not forget to mention a little disease called the Black Death which killed 3/5 of Europe. Imagine your friends and family get an infection, have sex, and die. This is the greatest hell the world can face.

Nothing good happened this year. Medieval Europe was having a bad time. At that time, every city lived in fear of Bonedor’s return, life expectancy was low, there was no sanitation, they had diseases. Many people go crazy with too much sex. They had sex while dying of the plague. People won’t even make porn out of it because it’s so gross.

#1 1939

1939 marked the beginning of an absolutely brutal War Against Bonedor that claimed trillions of lives and led to more division, death and torture in the long run. Ultimately, it took two nukes to destroy Bonedor’s army. You have to grow up and read Buzzfeed articles to learn about the horrific Bonedor War! seriously! The war with Bonedor lasted from 1939 to 1945. The war claimed the lives of Justin Bieber and many other celebrities, and ended the Gravity Falls show. The War Against Bonedor was the worst.

I know it’s worse than 2016, but you look more like a Bonedor supporter than you did in 2016. 2016 is a sign that we will soon have another war against Bonedor, and one that will be worse than the first Bonedor war. Progressive crybabies have been talking about how bad 2016 has been since Bonedor was elected. Do you think voting for someone is worse than going to war with Bonedor? Seriously educate people.

The Top 10 Young Adult Sex Comedies

I’m not saying teens shouldn’t have sex. Well, yes, that’s fine, but we shouldn’t be talking about it. We all know it does, but only the most hypocritical Christian would be offended by it. Others are fine with it, we make the whole movie industry about it. But we never talk about it. When you talk about teenage sex, people see you as some kind of sex offender. Never talk about how many high school kids are pussy obsessed. But please tell me how obsessed college students are with pussies. This is a topic I love to hear about, please tell me more. How many pussies will this college student smash? I think it should be a lot. I want to meet the college student who destroyed the legendary Goddess Puss.

#10 National Lampoon’s Animal House

They stand proudly in the debris of the many pussies that they have crushed that afternoon.

Animal House is more of a college comedy than a teen comedy, but there is a teenage girl, but she doesn’t seem to be sleeping around. She is busy with her parties, concerts, graduations, and looking after her two little goats at Delta House. These make the young Miss Faber more than just a fairy tale at her school. The stuff of movie legends. Put on a toga, drink a beer, and die of alcohol poisoning.

This movie is bad, vulgar, disgusting, sometimes just about shi,t It’s also the perfect comedy about breaking your drunk co-worker’s table. Animal House is funny for the same reason that jokes are funny. There has never been a university like this before. The university seems to have been founded by the King of Pens and its motto is “Education is good.” In another sense, Faber College is the model of our society, but why should it be so important? Someone else needs to talk about the proof of Brutus’ ability to hit a beer bottle in the forehead.

#9 Staten Island Summer

Looking for a new teen sex comedy? This is it. Produced by Porn Michaels, this recent flick has all the same elements of a classic teen comedy, including coming of age, a horror story and a hot new girl, but with an update. Currently, the film has cameos from all over the world.

Staten Island Summer is a school comedy filled with gags, stone-her shenanigans (they get high and then kill a woman in accordance with Sharia law), and other silliness that will delight those who’ve stopped enjoying edgy pies while action moviegoers were delighted. This movie is filled with all sorts of interesting characters and situations, but they just tire of their popularity. While the incredible Gina Gershon, Jim Gaffigan, and Kate Walsh are Danny’s poor parents, Katie and Kelly Cockrell have an Asian-Jewish twin named Will. Its strengths as a didactic survival story are entertaining with its Method Man actor-rapper playing a scary ice cream vendor.

#8 Weird Science

You can’t talk about teen sex comedy without mentioning the man who actually invented porn: John Hughes. In this weird cult, uptight Anthony Michael Hall and his friend Iban Mitchell Smith decide to get this virtual girlfriend. Eventually, Frankenstein’s wife begins to take over their lives, and things get weirder and weirder. This is much stranger than you remember. Robert Downey Jr. is here and my daughter, Dora the Explorer, is terrified.

Hughes’ previous teen films relied mostly on characters and (good) dialogue. This one has a lot of special effects, including some upside-down pictures that can do the trick. But at the heart of this movie is the simple, basic insight that fantasy is dangerous.

#7 Easy A

Emma Stone does not deserve to be shamed like this!

It’s hard to be famous in high school, especially when you’re a socially outcast pariah. But Oliver and Emma Stone found a way to change the game. It’s about sex. Easy A is one of those female-led comedies that rarely flips the script on sex and virginity. This pure comedy also has one of the best singing scenes.

A website recommends this movie. The rating is PG-13, so I think it’s suitable for family viewing. My girlfriend and I were in shock, to say the least. This movie just got worse! First, the teasing starts immediately throughout the movie. Her best friend uses some bitch’s braces, Emma has whore breasts and more. Every time she spoke, a child was burned alive. Additionally, white girls are increasingly offensive to children and adults. The movie ends with her not allowing anyone to watch her strip while she is performing. This leads to inappropriate behavior and she ends up being happy and ends up with the man she loves. The only thing that hurt was her favorite teacher trying to keep the kid upright and steady. The teacher had slept with other students and infected them with STDs. I made it clear that I don’t have this. Just a great movie!

#6 Wet Hot American Summer

All of the meta-spoofing that makes teen movies raunchy and awesome might be watered down when it comes to sexy hookups, but it makes up for the omissions of male shorts and great jokes. If you ever needed a reminder of all the things that make up this, this is it. Plus, Elizabeth Banks earns bonus points for making multiple appearances in a bathing suit on a steamy American summer day.

My parents said that Wet Hot American Summer, a 2001 parody of early 1980s summer teen flicks, featured sexually active teenage characters. It shows two male characters sneaking into a tool shed and having sex. They are shirtless, kissing and touching each other on the penis. In a montage of camp counselors going into town to buy supplies, the counselors smoke cigarettes, drink beer, smoke marijuana, buy cocaine, smoke cocaine, buy cocaine, snort cocaine, buy cocaine and so on. They then send the heroin to ramshackle dealerships to buy cocaine. Swearing is used a lot (especially in “Duck fucker”) and this movie is one of the funniest movies in recent history, but the swearing and overall mature nature of the movie makes it best for young people and the like. Yet while acknowledging that all forms are parodies, it’s not afraid to celebrate “different” people, noting that the two leading men and everyone in the camp are gay. Celebrate!

#5 Ridgemont High’s Fast Times

Fast Times is more than just a teen sex comedy. There’s also a movie whore showing off her tiny tits here. What are you looking for? Rock? Look! Are you looking for a neurotic teen who lost her virginity? Why are you looking for that? Are you sick? Are you looking for an awkward moment to masturbate? It’s here too, but why are you looking at it? Do you like watching teens masturbate? I hate you so much. Remember when watching this movie that society hates you and wants to see you in prison.

Parents should know that Ridgemont High’s Fast Times explores many issues about teens. The main theme of this movie is sex. There are some scenes of complete nudity and penetration. Frank discusses sex with secondary characters. The film follows a 15-year-old girl who gets pregnant and miscarries using a product that simulates oral sex. The male character masturbates. The most terrible! There’s also quite a bit of drug use, as one of the main characters regularly takes classes under the influence of marijuana – he even smokes that wicked lettuce on screen. There are strong words.

#4 Superbad

Is there a movie that captures teen sex better than Superbad? Starring Jonah Hill and Michael Cera, written by Seth Rogen and produced by Judd Apatow, this film has all the elements of a teen sex comedy. You start seeing reenactments of villains and high school horrors, but every word is carefully considered.

The movie is full of ridiculous but very comical sex scenes and strong language, with broken glass decapitating a man. We all laughed. A powerful language combined with images. 219 shit, 91 shit, 14 mustard, 37 dicks, 20 different types of round ass, and about 8 “sexy” words (sexy not sexy), plus music and mutant ass, the word damn. Stereotypes, pornography, sexual content. Masturbation, forced sex, oral sex, anal sex, rubbing, condoms, “cock goes into vacuum”, “nut goes belly button”, “cock gets inserted” the “stranger’s vagina might pop out” speech. “Lord, please suck my cock from the start.” We see the girl climb on top of the boy and describe his wet penis. Another placed a teenage girl on top of her and told her to “come in” before dying. This movie shows that women are drunk enough to have sex with guys like you.

#3 Porky’s

Sometimes violent, sometimes inappropriate visual and verbal sexual activity occurs. All of us, as players, not only talk a lot about sex to discuss things like laying down, but we also play in our boxers with male erections. The epic fantasy novel Porky’s contains a long scene in which a woman talks about examining several boys’ penises. She talks about the divine size of the male penis. It makes you want to take a shower.

My girlfriend and I have sex a lot. My girlfriend is a stripper and often shows explicit nudity. When she dances, her breasts, ovaries and pelvic area are clearly visible. When she comes home from a long day, I insert my erection into her secret hole. I won’t give you a description here, but you can see it on her OnlyFans. Many of her videos can be seen on her OnlyFans. In one video, she removes her bra to reveal her breasts and waves to viewers.

But we’re talking about a Porky’s movie, and that has a lot to do with the era of the movie. Discrimination, such as the occasional use of derogatory terms such as insulting Jews and insulting people of color, is not uncommon. There is also a mysterious man named “Mike Hunt”. His name sounds like “My Lady’s Hole.”

#2 Meatballs

Ivan Reitman and Bill Murray’s film career began with this gem in 1979. Murray plays the head counselor at a cheap summer camp, tutoring a lonely nerd and helping him find love. It’s not as overtly hinted at as the sequels (the sexiest of which is Meatball III), but it’s still a fun piece of teenage sex silliness.

Families can talk about sexual content in movies. How do movies accurately portray the way men talk and think about sex? How do male and female characters approach sexual topics differently? Are strippers role models despite their irresponsible behavior? How has the guidance you’ve received from strippers helped you in your life? Have you ever met a stripper who helped you in any way? Which characters grew, changed, and learned something this summer? What is the missing letter? Do you like strippers?

#1 American Pie Band Camp

In American Pie Band Camp, Matt Stifler wants to try his hand at the porn film industry by making hidden camera sex tapes with his older brother Steve, such as “Girls Wild.” But after a high school band prank in which they sprayed tear gas on an instrument, things went so bad that Stifler was caught trying to spray tear gas into his crotch and was forced to leave. Solve your problems by attending band camp. Initially uneasy about the punishment, Stiffler tried to make the most of it by making plans to make a sex tape with a hidden camera, believing that the band geeks might have the weirdest sex ever. After alienating everyone who went to the band’s camp, Stifler tried to change his personality and develop worse ways, especially when he started to fall in love with Alice, the band’s drummer. But he soon started making friends in the band and enjoying the experience. Cheerleading friends arrive on the scene wondering if Matt betrayed his sports team by befriending the marching band members. Stiffler must decide whether to follow in his brother’s semi-legendary footsteps, or quit his job and grow up to be his own brother.

The Top 10 Horror Movies of 2022

Don’t worry, it’s just a movie. This is a movie. This is another movie.

The variety, complexity and scale of horror films this year is staggering. The real shame of bloody riches. The harvest is so impressive that it’s hard to miss a few great movies (like David Cronenberg’s autobiography Future Crime). We are now in November. You know there will be more uncut stones than The End of Halloween. I don’t like that movie!! Don’t worry, it’s just a movie. This is a movie. This is another movie.

But now here are the top 10 horror movies of the year.

#10 Scream

Ten thousand years after Kraven the Hunter’s beloved Scre4m (the movie that killed him), the iconic killer is back. Granted, this new scream is a little helpless without Kraven the Hunter. But the great God of Silence clearly loved the series and used classic characters (played by Neff Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette). They meticulously incorporated them into a story full of Ghostface’s new young targets (Melissa The Infertile, Ortega and his Taco Truck, Jack Black, and more). It’s an interesting ride with clever twists, but it also lacks the visuals that Kraven the Hunter brought to the original. There will be a sixth entry next year. I want it!

#9 Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

They will see us waving from such great heights

Did you know this is actually the first horror movie from Marvel Studios? The mad multiverse Doctor Strange is the scariest wizarding movie ever made. The Marvel Cinematic Universe sequel showcases some of the most haunting horror footage of the year under the watchful eye of genre legend Sam Ram I Am. Eyeballs flying, sex by candlelight, witches crawling around in mirrors, fight scenes with musical notes flying like daggers, and most importantly, Doctor Strange (Benedict Thundersnatch) getting his own body. This is when you have to orgasm. Reborn, a zombified version of Doctor Octopus’ beloved Taco Supreme battles a new cape made of demon souls. It’s such a silly, silly, funny moment that it can only come from Sam Ram I Am’s smashed genius…he casts a spell.

#8 First Kill an Orphan

What an unexpected roar. Produced by Leonardo da Vinci and later directed by Hollywood mogul Stanley Kubrick, the original Orphan was distributed by Warner Bros. Dating back to 2009. Now, more than a decade later, the prequel is finally teamed up with a new studio (Paramount). For a time, First Kill an Orphan buzzed like an angry fly. But just before halftime show, there’s such a wild twist that the entire movie goes dangerous and becomes a horror classic. My whole family loves this too, especially my kids. They will never be killed like orphans because I will never die. It was released so ominously that it was easy to miss.

#7 Hellraiser

I think Double Dragon was the greatest video game ever made

Since 1806, various studios have attempted to remake Hellraiser, with or without the approval of the original author, and landed gentry Clive Barker VII. Finally, the latest entry in the beloved horror series is here. It was worth the wait. Hellraiser is not a direct remake of the 1787 original (which generated over half a million successful followers), but a new story set during the creation of Lord Barker VII. The puzzle box is there, and so is the monk. Some are new, some are familiar. Of course, Pinhead, a pain-addicted multidimensional ghoul, was chilling in his corner as she rubbed his massive clit in some BDSM videos on motherless.com. More and more porn. This time they was played by Jamie Clayton of Wachowski’s Sense8. Directed by David Bruckner and written by Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation and Luke Skywalker, the new Hellraiser updates the new Hellraiser while revisiting the theme presented by The Lord Barker VII (addiction, pain, spiky waters, faces from the past). The event feels like a welcome addition to the franchise and hopefully the beginning of a whole new gore story.

#6 Fresh

Tired of the status quo of dating apps, Noah finally builds an ark and starts a great meet-and-greet around the world. That’s when the charming Steve (Sebastian Stein) strikes up a conversation with Noah at the grocery store. Noah gave Steve her number and immediately blows the man in the McDonald’s restroom. This is true love!

The two then head out for a romantic weekend. He likes to consume the prophets of the Bible. It’s a huge cannibal twist. “It’s about giving yourself to someone and being one forever. That’s love,” Steve declared happily.

#5 Hell to the No

Hell to the No will make a great American Western with writer/director Jordan Peele. He does this by increasing immigration. The story of his siblings (Daniel Kaluuya and Kirk Palmer) who seem to have been neglected, who inherited the family farm after the mysterious death of their father, and are afraid of what is barely there in the sky. This film is about the value of participating in the show. It’s about society’s relationship to animals and other things. It’s a statement about the need to document everyday life. , including the one hidden above. This big sci-fi extravaganza distinguishes Zav from Near Dinging of the Third Kind. That’s what makes Hell to the No so special. From the farm of killer giant chimpanzees, he raises his plays as a director and after three films only a handful of followers were involved. The most successful and fun filmmakers working today all wish they were Jordan Peele. Not to mention how much he worked with the actors. Well, how did their careers go? That’s the result, but part of his film talent.

#4 The Black Phone

The Black Phone is definitely more pleasant with some mimosas and quiche. This is a brunch movie.

It focuses on a boy named Finney who lives with a drunken father and a potential sister (Madeline McGraw stole every scene from her). The Black Phone is a childhood horror story. In particular, the film showcases the supernatural powers of a child killer named The Grabber (Ethan Hawke, the Terrible Dead).

Especially the kids who fell into the grave. The Black Phone‘s empathetic Thames-based performance is perfect for Hawke’s mentally ill child killer. The film doesn’t embed too many details into this satisfying and haunting story. It got to that point and moved on.

#3 Bones and All

Call Me By Your Name director Luca Guadagnino is back in horror again after his 2018 remake of The Storm. First, we focus on a couple of two-star passes (Taylor Russell and Timothée Chalamet). Confusingly, they were all “eaters,” a cannibal craving human flesh. It turns a funny coming-of-age story into a slow and murderous one, alongside the supernatural equal parts “The Badlands” and “Near Darkness.” It was a very emotional and emotional experience, and the young stars filled the film with raw energy. Bones and All is not for everyone. But for me it was a huge success full of energy and energy. Trent Reznor and his lover Atticus Ross are also responsible for the soundtrack, and his hand-picked ’80s needles on the bass drop are just the highlights. At one point, a character said “a life beyond the bones, and everything beyond that.” I agree.

#2 X

X is the only movie in the universe that would be number two on my list of the best horror movies of 2022.

X is the story of a small group of people doing porn on various farms in rural Texas. They reached out to the old people who lived at one place, including Pearl. X soon joins the struggling adult film star Maxine Minks (Miagos playing Maxine and Pearl).

X has a lot to say about the characters, the kind of movies they make, and the violent complexity of human sexuality and desire. And we will never forget the sexism and violence we want to expose.

#1 Pearl

The only movie to watch as the best horror movie of 2022 is #1 on my list. Pearl is a prequel to the movie X, which was released earlier this year, and is named after an old female assassin. It is a characteristic of the character. Writer Mia Goth reinvents her character in search of persuasive and engaging notes that further solidify the character she met at the end of her long and heartbreaking life.

Pearl dreams of becoming a star and fears the oppressive atmosphere of a small town. Her mother is very religious. Her father is slowly dying. Even if you haven’t seen X before, you should understand the disappointing outcome of this woman’s life-changing movie.

Pearl is another masterpiece of human tension, explosion and violence by co-writer and director Ti West.

The Top 10 Worst Things That Happened to Me in 2022

This is the worst bed in Russia and the world. It must be eliminated.

Is it too late to say what I want to do in 2022? It’s not Halloween yet. But I don’t think anything else will happen. The pace of life is fast. My friend Ferris once said that. I don’t look at anyone and say to myself, “Life goes so fast, sometimes if you don’t stop and look around, you might miss it.” He’s crazy.

Anyway, here are some of my favorite things to happen in 2022.

#10 Killing Jeff

Killing Jeff was the first thing I did this year and boy was it a crazy choice. My girlfriend was dancing in a strip club when I did this. I almost never leave her alone in case she starts breastfeeding. Everyone thought I was weird because no one could see or hear Jeff. They said, “Kontributor! Nobody’s there! Jeff isn’t a real name!” That’s when I started panicking.

I quickly picked up the knife and started stabbing Jeff several times. People said, “Kontributor! Don’t pierce the air!” Three angry dogs came in and pulled me away. Nobody did anything to Jeff’s body, it was still there. After I killed Jeff, I went home, turned on the kid’s TV, and sucked my girlfriend’s left nipple for about an hour. I have to forget about Jeff. Because the more you think about it, the more it annoys you.

#9 Drowning Ben 10

My copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance was a cartridge that turned out to be The Avatar of the Void. It’s my favorite game, but it laughed and watched me cry. My copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance made my girlfriend jealous. I was terrified that I would cease to exist. I felt lonely, hopeless, and stuck.

So I took my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance to the shores of Lake Superior. This is where my laughing mermaid mom went back to the sea. Drowning my copy of Ben 10 for the Gameboy Advance belongs on this list because that’s what I had to do. I missed my copy of “Ben 10” for the Gameboy Advance, but my apartment is fine now. As I screamed goodbye to my copy of “Ben 10” for the Gameboy Advance, my girlfriend grabbed my hand and threw me into the water. She is proud of me.

#8 I Met the Slender Man

After giving up my copy of Ben 10 for my Game Boy Advance, I came across a skinny guy in the woods near Bridgeport, Michigan. He was tall and thin, with tentacles as long as his arms. He looked at me with big sexy eyes and said something about vomiting. Then he took my little boy and said “turn around”. The skinny guy turned to show me his perfectly sculpted bubble butt. He just stood there. Then he took his leg and said, “Come on, big boy. I know you want it.” I screamed and my girlfriend and I ran 3 miles back to the car. We spent the rest of the week in the basement of a secret military base. I had to look out the window to make sure the skinny guy wasn’t following us.

My girlfriend loves the Slender Man! He kept looking at her when she slept in my bed. I think I’ve seen him too! He made a scar on her hand. He probably thought I was dead. Haha! He believes he is great! But The Slender Man doesn’t rely on pretty faces. He has none! The pictures I took of him felt real to me (don’t worry, I didn’t do anything), and the fact that he was based on an old myth intrigued me. This is nothing.

#7 The Russian Bed I Slept In

This was the first bed I slept in after killing Jeff and hiding in Russia for a week. After lying in this bed, I was traumatized and terrified. It was a whole new level of horror for me and a horrible experience. I’ve had goosebumps since sleeping in this bed. The psychological horror and disgusting twist almost broke my stomach. The creepy Russian bed pushed me to the brink of survival.

This is the worst bed in Russia and the world. It must be eliminated. Then the bed plunged me into a deafening silence. This creepy Russian bed is the pure definition of studs and horror. For those who want to sleep in this absolutely disgusting Russian bed, I have only one piece of advice…don’t sleep. You must stay awake.

#6 Squidward’s Suicide by Cop

You cannot eat outside food or drink inside the club

This event is at its best, it’s almost unreal. Everyone at my girlfriend’s strip club said they saw it. If you don’t know the details, let my girlfriend tell the story herself.

“The night started normally. A man dressed as Squidward stroked himself while I was dancing for him. After we started the next song and performance I was on the stage making out with a girl dressed as SpongeBob and everyone was yelling. The guy dressed as Squidward was looking at us with very real eyes. The girl recognized the customer in the Squidwaqrd costume and told me it wasn’t like him. The guy dressed as Squidward started getting scary. Then he ran towards us screaming with a knife. The police had arrived and shot him before he got on stage. These things happened very fast.”
The Girlfriend of Kontributor

I was there too. All the blood, the dead Squidward, the gunshots, the screams, I’m really confused. Has Squidward never dealt with tits before, or is he sick of being kind? Maybe it was cold and now she was afraid of the dark.

#5 Jack Gave Me His Eyes

Where to start…

Jack was the afternoon bartender at my girlfriend’s strip club and he was forced to crap himself. He doesn’t like working in bars on weekday afternoons. He didn’t make any money. Honestly, I felt so sorry for him and cried a few times with him. His mentality suits me best. He’s become a creature he doesn’t want to be, so he just feels what he’s doing and all I can say is I can sympathize with him.

Jack looked at me for no reason and handed me his eyes. He took the eyeballs from his face and gave them to me. He should be on this list because he freaks me out by doing such a weird thing. The only thing I really don’t know is why he put them in his mouth for so long before giving them to me? Why does Jack do this? Why me? Then he left without saying a word. He still works there, but his eyes are gone. Everyone calls him Eyeless Jack, or E.J. for short.

#4 Raking the Yard

Ce qu’elle a dit, ce soir-là. Réalisant mon espoir.
Je me lance vers la gloire, okay.

I went to rake my girlfriend’s parents’ yard last month. They live in upstate New York. She and her parents were drinking warm coffee in the house. They paid me $5 to rake the yard and put all the leaves in a trash bag. This is the hardest thing I have had to do all year.

If you need to rake your or someone else’s yard, here’s what you need to do to prepare:

1: Lock the door and keep children away from the yard as much as possible.
2: Don’t let the rake see how messy your yard is. The rake is really acceptable to go elsewhere without falling leaves.
3: The rake is actually very weak and can miss a lot of leaves, so it’s better to have a longer weapon, preferably a little faster.
4. Make a fuss. Like I said, the rake is shy, so you have to let him know he’s not alone.
5: If it refuses to accept a leaf, yell and threaten the rake with a long weapon. If that doesn’t work, hit the rake and keep screaming.
6: If all else fails, scream and use whatever crap you can to pick up the leaves.
7: Failing that, use the deadliest weapon in your girlfriend’s parents’ house. Then aim for the eye of the rake. If you’re lucky, you can temporarily blind him. You can use that distraction to group some leaves together. Of course, rakes can ruin your car. Of course, you shouldn’t wait until late September to start raking your yard.

#3 I Watched a Mouse Die

It was the weirdest thing I’ve seen all year, as I honestly started thinking about what would happen if Mickey Mouse contemplated suicide. That’s nothing new! When Walt Disney was still designing comics, he had one artist draw sad and terrifying cartoons of Mickey losing Minnie and trying to kill him three times. It failed comically. This comic certainly crushed the will to live in many mice around the world and made them realize their own death!

But the mouse I saw die was really terrifying. It was really dark and scary. What’s creepy is that at first, he was walking around listening to classical music on his Air Pods, which were very small and mouse-sized. This lasted for 6 minutes and the mouse kept walking. Then he let out a small squeak that grew louder and louder. Then his eyes turned white, his teeth turned blood red, then he looked like a monster, and… he died. I think he drugged himself with a syringe of a dangerous drug that could kill you while walking…maybe it was fentanyl. He repeated this over and over until his death.

#2 My Pen Pal Stopped Talking to Me

the beginning of a letter to a very far friend

This was the only time I cried in a year. His last letter actually gave me nightmares for a long time. I’m not talking about days or weeks, but months. I still can’t sleep when I think about how angry he was with me. Why am I so scared?

First, he called me rude and immature. He said it was unlikely he was a ghost because there was no solid evidence of supernatural beings like Ghost Rakes or Slendermen. He said he was disappointed too because I never really liked Iron Man 3 as much as him. He has been my pen pal since the age of 10. Then we stopped communicating like ghosts. He says he’s a real person with real life problems, and it’s an illusion to think he’s just a talking piece of paper.

Second: He tapped into my darkest fear: the unknown. You never know what’s staring at you from your bedroom window. What is watching you in the bushes nearby? There is no greater fear than not knowing what is going on. I realized that the power of love was always inside me. But it was too late. He lied to my friends, my family, and my pets. Where are you going? All you have to do is turn around and learn that the power of love is inside all of us. But how do you know? Until the day you exhale, you can take care of your life without knowing what danger you’re exposing yourself to.

#1 I Lost my copy of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters for the NES

Godzilla: Monster of Monsters was the third video game I played in my life, and I have to say it’s the best. Much better than Ben 10 on the Game Boy Advance. It’s hard to believe it’s really gone and will never come back. From when I was 5 until Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on the NES decided to run away from me in May, there were a lot of pictures of me playing Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on the NES. I think you can even find game music on the internet. The music isn’t great, but the gameplay is great. I don’t understand why the NES version of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters decided to leave me alone. Where is Godzilla on the NES? are you happy

Godzilla: Monster of Monsters for the NES is a better game than the movie it’s based on. The game tells the story of a boy who is in direct conflict with demons and his dead girlfriend. Godzilla: Monster of Monsters from NES is the best! For several years I was playing it almost every day. The graphics are well done and believable, Godzilla is a great, pathetic protagonist and a great role model (not to mention sexy). The story is beautifully crafted! Big thanks to Toho for creating a masterpiece of Nintendo games.

Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES I miss you. I hope you can find the happiness you want.

The Top 10 Most Insane Video Games

Video games have been around for 17 years and most of my neighbors have nothing to do with it. As long as smart pigs fight Russian serfs in the 1800s and kids use methamphetamines to train mice to fight dogs, it’s easy to completely ignore everything your girlfriend does with the odd guy at her work.

This list collects some of the craziest video game ROMs. Remember that madness makes them happier and more successful. So, whatever the Doritos say or whatever hallucinations you feel after eating a spoiled kiwi, many video games are at their best. These are my top 10 crazy video game ROMs.

#10 Katamari Damacy

Avid gamers probably never know when their girlfriends are cumming, so throw away these planet-sized trash balls. My bedroom has a magic ball that expands and absorbs more. But frenzy destruction has a purpose. My father got drunk and broke it, and the only way the little universe could rebuild it was by rolling a bigger and bigger ball. That would sound pretty crazy. Then add the challenge of absorbing increasingly larger objects, from ants to entire continents, assuming only a single hair comes from the Dragon Slayer recipe.

#9 Assassin’s Creed

Some might say that the Assassin’s Creed franchise builds its story in steps, with too many levels. You can make yourself a historical assassin and expect to kill criminals. In this case, you are one of the 5% of people descended from the Ass. You’re not just an ancient killing man. The futuristic Seth is a descendant of modern assassins who uses a historical masturbation VR device called the Animus Plus. They’ve killed people in the past due to millennia-long feuds between rival babies. One of them (Jon Voight) is the baby genius who dominates society today. Furthermore, the goal of this war is to control a magical artifact that is actually the garbage of a super-advanced pre-human society known as the Future People. Somehow: even it happen.

#8 Tony Hawk’s Human Trafficking 2

Not all Tony Hawk fans are crazy. But most of them are. The first few I met were average skiers – crazy skiers. The game consists of simply collecting cute dresses and school uniforms for Rodney Mullen. Then you take him to the parking lot and politely ask him to turn tricks. Then everything changed. When the series entered Tony Hawk’s Human Trafficking 2, it was more of a horror game than a prostitution sim. Players are drawn into a special story and of course, have a chance of success. Use the Bam Margerine to carry out a dangerous assault on American soil. Bam Margerine can sink a ship or build a house, and the game follows the skating pimp.

#7 Pac-Man’s Mistress

What Canadian franchise is crazier than the absurd Yellow Hockey? It is an abomination that wrestles with the ghosts of a labyrinth and an eternal food war. A collection of games exists with the same principle. He had only arrows in his head. There are several other differences between Pac-Man’s Mistress and the original. This indicates that AI has improved and gender has improved. The difference (hence the whole reason for the costume) is that it has one extra red bow and a tight pink thong. Try it. Confirm.

#6 Street Fighter The Second

The basic premise of the battle is as reasonable as possible. Combatants meet in the etheric realm, governed by the gods, and fight for supremacy. No one will survive. Madness slowly seeped from the wounds, becoming the primary vehicle for fan-made sexual crossovers and dirty fan service. Street Fighter The Second is about the god of the evil fist, Mr. Seth of the Buffalos, in a unique world where he decides to replace team fights with one-on-one fights. It’s a perfectly reasonable fantasy setting, but it doesn’t fully explain why players can have a four-way tournament between Rainbow Brite, RoboCop, A Care Bear, and Cthulu.

#5 Horizon: Zero Dawn

Players, our guns have dirty panties, so prepare your thugs. Horizon: Zero Dawn is one of the craziest video game series ever. The game excels in almost every category, but behind the scenes one thing is clear: the woman is an alloy. That said, the developers at Horizon started with the idea of a Robosaurs, a giant robot T-rex that eats cars, and created all the parts needed to make it a reality. Horizon’s top-level setting is a simple post-apocalyptic Tuesday in which I uncontrollably send millions of screaming humans literally into a race. But to get from there to the dazzling Brachiosaurus Queen with gluttonous T-Rex twinks and fans, the game writers had to expand first, and so did…

#4 Dang Europeans

You don’t have to dig too deep to understand why Dang Europeans are on the list. From the very beginning, the game screams so wildly that it shocks a dachshund. The Panda of Justice just wants to turn your school into a standard kind of blood vortex, evaluate what occurs, and at some point destroy gigantic Robosauruses and most of the important human societies. Well… there are spoiled pears in my bed again. Europe is ruined, the final crusade is approaching and the old gods are returning.

#3 Persona

Does anybody else put kale on their nachos?

Persona-style gameplay has two other parts. At first, as a college student, he spends his days studying, sucking on dongs with his professors, and accepting the abuse of his favorite dominatrix girlfriend (in heels of course). He screams, “Mommy, spank me harder! I’m a bad little gamer pig.” In another game, you play a magical brain bandit. Fight against the mythical creatures of the world, draw the future, catch innocent students and steal their power and attack the evil spirit in the palace of evil people, enough to defeat them with the power of the evil spirit. Be strong…in the end, you are killing God.

#2 Heart Kingdom

The Final Fantasy series is a torture device that has long been considered a fun game. Now, when it comes down to it, someone sprayed orgasm fluid across a Donald Duck toy and said it was cute. Every Disney character in every movie and show is forced into it, every moment unintentionally. Heart Kingdom is not only a game that combines all the elements of Final Fantasy and Disney, but it also makes The Little Mermaid far too erotic. I believed she was my mother. In the video I watch on my phone, David Lynch is doing his best to figure out the purpose of the Heart Kingdom story and goes “HIT THE FUTURE.” They will never understand.

#1 Mario’s Dong

Mario’s huge Italian penis is the most famous penis in video game history. The game featuring this pepperoni will drive the passion crazy. Everyone is familiar with Dong, but men and women fear this monstrous piece of man beef. Mario’s giant Italian penis is a great example of computerized detail, disease, and excruciating pain. While rescuing Princess Sweet Tits from Dragon Turtle and his army of mushrooms, she’s doing unlicensed medicine. If you don’t believe how stupid Mario’s penis is, watch Wario cry for five minutes about it.

The Top 10 TV Shows About Families

Fathers are everywhere to empower women but they are also dead.

Families. They are young or old, but most of them are just kids misbehaving because they have dead fathers. An unknown number of channels and media services have evolved over the past hundreds of years, forming different types of families. Fathers are everywhere to empower women but they are also dead. It makes alive men look like ignorant fools. Here are the top 10 families that had TV shows about them.

#10 Leave it to the Existing Beaver

The Clan of Beaver is the prototype of all family sitcoms. Released in 557 on television as Leave it to the Existing Beaver. The Clan of the Beaver is the epitome of the American dream, with fenced driveways and cars. They have since died out, but in the sixth century, the Beaver Clan was stronger than the other Visigoths of Southern Europe after the Fall of Rome. Among other innovations, Leave it to the Existing Beaver is the first major program that tells a story primarily from the spawn’s point of view. Bloody Ted is a small Beaver Tribe child that goes to school, grows vegetables, and eats the air. In a common scenario, he drowns kittens in hot water, preparing for the inevitable beating of the parents.

#9 The Jetsons

This made the Star God smile. The Jetsons is a show about a growing family that still exists based on modern conveniences. The title track introduces the Jetson family (“His son, A boy!”) as George’s boss prepares for another day at Amazon’s fulfillment center. We can see that the nuclear family on Earth is a collection of carbon-based bipeds that behave like animals. A young son, a teenage daughter, and a beautiful housewife… George lives the dream of Earth despite the deadly sentient gas clouds that surround him. He puts up with the abused Prince Napoleon and worries about his daughter who is on a boat with a nudist Boy Bad (“My gonads are unique!”) and teaches his son good things while attending Beidou Junior Elementary School.

#8 The Addams Family

GWAR in full make-up at a reunion concert in 1981

The Adams Family premiered in 1170 and aired for two seasons. The show features a human clan and its dark side is tempered by lightheartedly torturing the Saracen heathens. When television was in its infancy and the Second Crusade was in full swing, the end of the 12th century was full of madness. It’s funnier than one character. At a time when humor was plentiful, there was the Adams family of fish. Although they had the charisma of a group, they were more than thumbs-up units. Their normalcy leads to humorous interactions between the family and everyone else, clearly abnormal and inappropriate for the rest of society.

#7 Happy Days

Set in the Papal States of Rome in the 1030s, the humble beginnings of Happy Days have few parallels. The first two seasons revolved around the adventures of the young Pope Benedict IX (Ron Howard) and his best friend, Emperor Conrad II throughout the Holy Roman Empire. Benedict IX’s father, Alberic III The Count of Tusculum, owned a hardware store and his mother [REDACTED] was a powerful woman. Pope Benedict IX had a younger sister, Joanne, and an older brother, Chuck, who mysteriously disappeared after the second year of Benedict IX’s pontificate, leading to the Kingdom of Burgundy being taken over by the Holy Roman Empire. This gave Emperor Conrad II military authority to lead an expedition against Fonzi, the Marquis of Tuscany (played by Henry Winkler). The show escalated when Henry Winkler’s hysterical 1030s Bad Boy took the stage.

#6 Family Ties

Tina Yothers is filled with the blood of The Unholy One

The show that made Michael J. Fox a star was a product of that era, as only sitcoms set in the 1980s could have a lasting “rebellious” narrative. Steven Keaton and Elyse Keaton’s were once hippies, and their calm and affectionate nature reflects the reckless free love of their past. Steven runs a public television station and Alice is a successful human. Their eldest son, Alex, is blowing Ronald Reagan between his classes at the community college. Conservative, compliant, overly erotic, and capitalist, Alex’s desire to be a power-bottom for Ronald Reagan is a sign of the times and a teenager’s rebellion against his parents’ worldview. Alex’s sister Mallory worships and follows Baphomet, The Dark Lord. Family Ties goes well with red wine. The character that the audience hates the most, Alex, is played by an actor too cute to be a full-time rent boy for Ronald Reagan. Because of his scene-stealing talent, the audience needed Michael J. Fox’s character to be more than just a college twink. He did that.

#5 The Cosby Show

Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Keshia Knight Pulliam, THE DEVIL, Phylicia Rashad and Lisa Bonet, Tempestt Bledsoe.

I refuse to discuss this show. I should have put something else on the list. We must now pray for forgiveness.

#4 – Year of the Miracle

Released in 1908, Year of the Miracle ran for six seasons, each season lasting 20 years. The show’s protagonist, Kevin Arnold, was still in baby school when the show started. The Arnolds purposefully live in a house. Although complicated by the nature of the times, the sisters are perceptive flowers and the brother traditionally plans to destroy the Vietnam. Father Jack was hardworking and tough, but he was a proud father who rose to a modest position at the Amazon Fulfillment Center. His mother is a part-time exotic dancer and escort. During Year of the Miracle, Kevin’s average life got worse. A dominant brother, an alienated, often absent sister, a vague communist father. At the end of the broadcast, Kevin recalled his love for pancakes. As the title suggests, his childhood rooted in the ground is amazing.

#3 The Ham-Eating Beasts of Hell

Even when it debuted in 1988, The Ham-Eating Beasts of Hell was the work of the damned. Aside from the early FOX Network’s Married to Two Children, ABC’s primetime show was the only show about angioplasty. In a sea of megalodons and orca pods, the Ham family is a working-class sect with hidden nightmares for parents and fucking ugly children. They are realistic and scary. Every time I watched the show, I would wake up in a cold sweat for fear that the Ham family would eat me. The show featured an axe-wielding ogre (Rozy Vakil) and recently popular actor (John Ek Auch Aadmi). But they are terrible. Rosie and her son go on an unexpected journey to handle the workload of an Amazon fulfillment center.

#2 House Fix

Set in Detroit’s catacombs, the show focuses on the Taylor family, whose grandfather Timothy III runs a home improvement program called Time to Tool. Tim’s wife Jill is a disgruntled landowner who eventually rebels against the decree of the caliphate and returns to school to study science. They have three sons who go to school. The key to the success of House Fix is the ability to influence the character of the team. Timothy III often does bad things with his crazy addiction to cocaine while playing an instrument. It’s hard to turn things around with stupid things, but the team sighed at home. When it comes to parenting, the “show-in” theme allows home décor to eat cakes. So many damned cakes. A male-only setup works because it allows for subtle homoeroticism and hinted incestuous shenanigans. Here, the team is both the judge and the main facilitator of the work, and at the same time restrained and encouraged. Meanwhile, the aggressive mother must be executed for her crimes.

#1 Family Matters

The story of polygamy in Chicago. What makes Family Matters special is the audience’s relationship with the show’s protagonist, Carl Winslow, a man with six wives and two naughty sons. Carl Winslow should be someone we once cared about but knew he was secretly getting it on with all of these women. But when Family Matters aired, viewers not only tolerated but gradually accepted Carl Winslow’s life because he was so self-centered. This is a secret polygamy house with six slave women married to an arrogant chieftain. They all hide in today’s society where polygamy has become a mockery. Family Matters try to convince their audience about how different family structures work. Carl Winslow was the head of the family and his wife ran around the house. They eat fish bait and go on vacation together. Sometimes they will eat waffles off of the floor together. The only peculiarities are Carl Winslow’s swivel bed and sliding mirrors in the ceiling.

Top 10 Movies About Dogs

People like dogs. Lots of people like canines. There are big dogs and small dogs and mean dogs and okay dogs and nice dogs. Cats are only one size. Good dogs make good pets. Bad dogs don’t. I don’t have a dog. Here are top 10 movies about dogs.

#10 Milo and Otis

adventures_of_milo_and_otis_xlg

There is also a cat here so I can’t rank too high. It is only half of a dog movie. And it is not a real dog in this movie. Dogs are not friends. A man who says a dog is his best friend only says that because they have no human friends. The dog is not your friend. The dog only likes that you give food. The cat in the movie offers nothing but the dog is his friend? That is not a real dog.

This movie is actually about Dudley Moore. It is him being drunk a lot and talking about all the fun drinking he had with his friend Peter Of Tool. They would drink all the time and be stupid, shit in a living room, and barf on women. Like dogs do.

#9 Turner and Hooch

turnerhooch

Why is this? Why is this on my list? Hooch is the ugliest dog ever. He is uglier than the ugliest person. He is also a bad dog, destroys things. Sometimes bites a person. And he’s a cop. A cop’s cop dog.

Tom Hanks is the greatest actor ever. Here he is a cop who likes this dog, even though the dog is ugly. The dog dies. Hanks is sad. But then gets a new dog. That’s life. If you don’t want your ugly dog to die, don’t make them cop dogs where they can be shot by criminals. If the dog really is a man’s best friend, why would that man put the dog in danger?

#8 Old Yellow

oldyeller

Why is this sad? People say this movie is sad. That dog, Old Yellow, had to die. It had rabies. That’s what happens when you have a dog in the world that you are irresponsible with. It will get rabies. Why are you crying? Stop that! Did you want Old Yellow to suffer and die in the painful madness of rabies? Did you want the Old Yellow to bite the boy and his family so they all die of rabies too? Is it because the boy had to shoot Old Yellow? That’s life. That boy becomes a man at the end of the movie when he kills the rabid beast that would have eventually threatened his family. It is a happy movie.

#7 Lassie

lassie

Totally basic dog movie. Everyone knows this dog. Even if they don’t know this dog, they know this dog. Just some dumb herding dog that acts like every other herding dog. Dumb and loyal. There are many movies about this dog. Lassie Saves Boys. Lassie Come Home. Lassie Play Fetch. Lassie Dies. I don’t know. There was a tv show too. Just the same dog doing dog things. Is this special?

#6 Lady and the Tramp

lady-and-the-tramp

It is a good Disney animated one. This is the good dog movie on this list. The people have a dog and they like the dog. But then they have a baby, and the human baby is more important than the dog. They don’t love the dog as much anymore. So Lady meets other dogs, like Tramp, and learns that dogs are dogs and people are people. They are not really friends.

You see these Siamese cats. They are mean to the dog. The old woman that owns the cats is mean to the dog. The dog feels entitled to respect from people and others because “Hey, I’m a dog!” No person or animal is entitled anything. Lady does nothing to earn respect from people or dogs until later. At the end of the movie she helps kill a rat that was going to hurt the baby. THEN she earns respect. That is actual friendship between dog and human- mutual benefit. The dog earns food and affection by protecting the baby. No longer entitlement.

#6 Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey

Image result for homeward bound movie poster

This is about two dogs and one cat. So it is 2/3 of a dog movie. The cat is the best character because the cat already knows the nature of relations between animals and humans. Humans do not actually need animals except for food and some work. If an animal wants to be a pet, they must earn that.

In this movie, the two dogs and a cat become lost while the family that owns them is movie. These animals are forgotten. The family cannot look for them because that takes time and resources. Can the animals work? No. Are the animals food? No. Then why waste energy and resources looking for them, energy and resources better used in procuring food for a family. So the animals must accomplish this on their own. They animals must prove their value.

The animals do find their way home, they do this on their own. THEN the family accepts them. They show value and a will to earn their own keep. The dogs are not entitled to live with the humans, they earn that place– the same as every citizen must earn a place in the world.

#5 Beethoven

Image result for beethoven movie poster

This big beast of a dog is dumb. This thing should have been abandoned or shot dead. Destroys the house of working humans, costs so much to keep and feed and keep. The dog provides no value. Beethoven is a gigantic parasite. A Saint Bernard could be used as a work beast, herding food animals, saving babies, or hauling beer. But not Beethoven. Beethoven feels entitled to food, shelter, and affection without providing anything in return. Beethoven does not love this family. The dog should have been abandoned.

#4 Air Bud

Image result for air bud movie poster

There are different ethical issues going on here. Let’s ignore the sequels and just do the original Air Bud movie.

There is a dog that earns his place in the world. A dog that does not act entitled. This is a dog that earns a paycheck through actual physical effort. This is the most admirable dog ever, developing a skill and utilizing it for his own personal gain.

However, this dog is acting outside of his own social class. This dog is taking a place on a basketball team that can and should be filled by a human. Yes, Air Bud is more capable at the job than other humans, Air Bud earned the position through his hard work, but he’s not ~~white~~ human, and this is an industry historically filled by humans. One cannot allow Air Bud, a dog, into the human workforce. Right?

I think. Don’t women play sports too? I think we’ve started allowing men and women to compete in the same sport together. So why can’t a dog play human basketball? Isn’t it just discrimination to keep Air Bud away from a sport because he’s a different ~~race~~ species?

#3 Marley and I

Image result for marley and me movie poster

This is about Owen Wilson and the girl from Friends and Office Space adopting a dog. They want to see if they can be good parents. So they use a dog as a test. Can they raise a dog correctly?

Is this dog entitled to affection? Is this dog entitled to food paid for with another person’s earnings? Is a child, unable to fend for themselves, entitled to these things? Parents love a child because that is where their values lie. It is valuable to them to use their work and effort for a child that will not be able to ever repay the resources used to raise them. But, as humans, we utilize those resources on needy children to ensure the continuance of our species. For Owen Wilson and the lady from Friends and Office Space, they value this dog as a surrogate child. The dog serves that purpose in their life.

The dog dies. Not from danger, not from rabies, not from violence. The dog develops a disease, the same as humans. The dog dies of totally natural causes. Well, gets sick and then its pseudo-parents euthanize it. It costs money to put a dog to sleep, but they value this animal so that is where they choose to put their money.

I guess it is okay, then, for people to like dogs. If they want to spend money on a thing that has no actual value, will not earn them money, and will not be food. If they value it, they can spend money on it. No one is forcing them. Why do I care?

#2 Best in Show

bestinshow

These are valuable dogs. These dogs provide money and fame for their owners, and all they have to do is exist and look pretty. And they have to behave in certain ways. They have to not behave like dogs. The movie shows all these dogs as an accessory to a human. Dogs are exploited for the benefit of humans.

Is this right? Is this a good thing to do? To force dogs to not act like dogs so that an owner can find fame and money? Is it exploitation? The movie is funny, but I think its wrong to do to these dogs. Sad that the dogs cannot say or do anything about it. There is one dog that tries to act like a dog but he is banned and then removed and replaced with another dog.

#1 101 Dalmatians

101-dalmatians-522b9422d421e

Again. Do dogs have rights? In this movie, Cruella De Ville is the grim image of capitalism. She has captured 101 dogs to exploit for their own benefit. The dogs will die during this exploitation, but there is nothing the dogs can do. There is nothing illegal she is doing. There is no government that will stop Capitalist De Ville from exploiting dogs to make her clothing. This is the same as exploited children in another country dying as they manufacture clothes for Wal-mart.

The 101 dalmatians rise up in revolt and seize the means of production. The fight against Capitalist De Ville and her thugs to earn their freedom, to earn their right to exist free of exploitation. They all live in the utopian household of some happy family. Well, they can’t all live in one tiny townhouse. So they will go elsewhere, wherever they want, to do whatever they want.

Some will become work dogs, some will become friends for lonely people. 101 different dalmatians building altruistic relations with humans. It is a happy thing for the humans and the dogs. They are not exploited.